& I feel fine;

It is so weird to me to get on Facebook and find out that KIDS who I used to do theatre with are now married and having babies.
KIDS.

Granted, some are only like a year or two younger than me, but still. I remember when they were small and now they are grownups.

I am also amazed by the fact that 99% of my facebook friends from North Carolina still live in North Carolina, even after college. I know that odds (in the whole nation) are that if you grow up in a state you will likely remain there as an adult. But.. it just baffles me how many people CHOOSE to stay. You can go anywhere and do anything and you've chosen to stay in the place you know. Why.

I mean, I realize that I chose a different life path. I have been making my own life decisions since I was like 10 years old. My mom let me decide to change schools (or not) and what activities I wanted to do and when I wanted to get my drivers license and where I went to college and what I majored in and when I should or shouldn't come home and where I should work and that I would go to Europe and that I would move to NYC.

I am not looking for a relationship, I don't want to get married necessarily ever, and I don't want to have kids.
I am not like the majority of people in that way, and I am fine with that. I honestly enjoy being on the outside of those things, supporting the people who are doing them. I'll hang out with Jenn's kids on the weekends and buy them cotton candy at Coney Island, I'll hang out with Jamie's kids when I visit NC (or wherever she ends up) and take them on an adventure, I will support my friends through their relationships and be there for them for late night phone calls and facebook chats, I will be the maid of honor and do the heavy lifting to set up a lovely reception room. I will do all of those things because I really really love being there for people and have literally zero desire to get any of those things for myself.

Instead, I want to have a job that I can live off comfortably and when I am in my 40s, I want to become a foster parent. I want to adopt a dog and a cat. I want to travel the world and never slow down.
I am going to succeed because I have to keep believing that. I have to keep pushing myself and never go backwards. I will never work at the same job twice. (Hence why I decided to not get a job at Panera when I moved to NYC.)

I love to be doing things, I hate being idle. And as much as I hate living my life by an alarm clock, I HATE it when I am unemployed. Like now.

I have no idea where this blog post is going.
I just wanted to express the differences between myself and the 90% of the population who wants the traditional life experience.. haha.

In other news, here's what I am doing about my current unemployment situation:
applying to many administrative assistant jobs
applying to stage managing jobs
applying to nanny jobs
emailed the temp agency and will do so again when I get back to NYC
researching the possibility of going to grad school for a masters in social work with the goal of becoming a life coach

I am just mostly trying to remain calm, keep a positive attitude and not get burnt out. I can do this. I will succeed because, if nothing else, I refuse to fail.


Oh hey also happy 12/21/12! We survived, y'all.

awake my soul;

I am so over it with being directionless.

My temp job in the non-profit world ended today. We all knew this was going to happen, of course, hence the fact that it was a temp job.. but now I am unemployed again and about to start panicking AGAIN about what the hell to do with my life.

Theatre is the thing everyone thinks I should do, and truth be told, if I could make a living off JUST that, I would be thrilled.
But that's not how it works.
I'd have to be working full time PLUS doing shows all the time.. which I have already discovered is really difficult schedule-wise, and utterly exhausting because I'd be working 9am-10pm roughly five days a week.. and it pays next to nothing. So basically the cost kind of outweighs the benefit in a lot of cases. I still want to try & make it work though somehow.

I dunno man.

I partially feel like I am in denial or something for being so "meh" about this situation.. because I am literally unemployed right now. And instead of applying for jobs constantly, I am sitting on my ass and looking at a cat sweater on forever21.com.

But on the other hand, I feel like I kind of do need some time to decompress from the whirlwind of insanity that has been my life since.. uh.. LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME. Yes, I was in Europe for the first 3.5 months of 2012, but the part of that time that wasn't spent being an au pair was spent applying for jobs and finalizing travel plans. Then from the moment my plane landed at LaGuardia, its been a flipping crazy roller coaster ride.
I really need to slow down and figure out my shit.
Maybe I can do some nanny-ing or something. Idk. We shall see.

For now, its like 3am. Bedtime.

never let you go;

Have I mentioned lately how much I fucking love living in this city?

Seriously. I cannot imagine being anywhere else at this point in my life. I love those times when I can look behind me and be like.. hey... THAT'S WHY all that bullshit happened! Example being, if I had gotten to au pair in Italy I would have been in Europe until the end of July, and thus would never have been looking to sign a lease when I was, and Jenn and I would never have met.

One huge debacle, leading to one incredibly wonderful payoff.

That's how life tends to work out.

I really do believe no matter what that God is there and he has an eye on me.. things do happen for a reason, you just have to work through the rough times. I don't believe that anyone is given more than they can handle in life. Yeah, you may have to reach out and ask for help, but that's just how it goes sometimes.

This is what I keep trying to remember as I go through my constant worry about employment... blargh.
It never ends.

But hey, I know what its like to work somewhere shitty, and I know I can handle it.

Here are the good things:
-I have the most incredible bff in the universe.
-I live in the most kickass city in the world.
-My bedroom looks really cute.
-Christmas.
-And lots more things but those are my main ones at this present moment.



As a random note, I have been doing WAYY TOO MUCH online shopping lately. Like. Whadda hell bro. Why is this happening. None of it is a good idea. Especially with my impending unemployment and subsequent financial doom. My current hope is that my parents will bestow some funds upon me for Christmas, which will hold me over until I get back to the city and hopefully get another effing temp job..
Annnnd we all know how much I love that.

-___-

BUT OK LIKE I SAID LET'S BE POSITIVE, YES?

Yes.

Life is good.

this might be fun.

• 1: What eye color do you find sexiest?
  
  depends on the person I guess.. anything can work

• 2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
  
  never milk.. but between dark or white, depends on my mood
• 3: If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?
  
  I have NO idea. Some snip-it of a quote.
• 4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
  
  Large in population kind of but small in terms of interesting things to see and do. I was not a fan.
• 5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
  
  There were a ton. My next door neighbor, Betsy, was near the top of the list, along with my 5th grade teacher. 
• 6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
  
  Strawberry banana.
• 7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
  
  uhmmm.. idk. Once I had to eat an Oreo in front of my 4th grade class and then guess what it was (I was blindfolded.. I have no idea why the fuck we were doing it but.. whatever) and like sometimes I bite something and then my spit glands or whatever they are activate weirdly and so a tiny Oreo crumb was projected from my mouth via that.. idk. That is hard to explain. 
• 8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
  
  Uhhhhhmmmm.. idk. That time my period leaked through my pants. Not cute. Luckily I had a giant school uniform sweater to tie around my waist and cover it up. Also no one saw it ever so.. yeah I guess it really wasn't a huge deal. 
• 9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
  
  Idk. Maybe the time my clarinet decided to squeak during my solo at the Christmas concert.. 
• 10: Pirates or ninjas? Why?
  
  PIRATES I think because they are cool
• 11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?
  
  Yes
• 12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
  
  YES AND YES
• 13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?
  
  An elephant and a puppy and a bunny and a kitten
• 14: What's your most favorite part of your body?
  
  my collarbones

15. What's your most favorite part of your personality? 

    my sincerity/love for other people

    

• 16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?
  
  Based on music alone, Gaga. Personality-wise I'm pretty over it with both. 
• 17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
  
  Its been on in rooms I have been in but its not like I actually WATCH it
• 18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?
  
  lol I have never been drunk and I hate sports. 
• 19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?
  
  Oh God there are so many. Gofry in Poland, pierogi in Poland, that pizza in Paris, nutella crepes, Chipotle burritos, that omelette from Mercer Kitchen.. 
• 20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
  
  Margarine all the way. Actually I use Smart Balance light now because I am scared of butter. 
• 21: Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)
  
  lactose free
• 22: Which continents have you been on?
  
  Just North America and Europe
• 23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?
  
  Nope and nope
• 24: Backpacks or satchels?
  
  Satchels are more grown up. 
• 25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?
  
  no, yes but that color is not good on me, no
• 26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?
  
  Recess
• 27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?
  
  I'd prefer a horse if we're in the market for a farm animal
• 28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?
  
  NEW FUCKING YORK 
• 29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?
  
  NYC-->Paris. Not even that long really.
• 30: The latest you've ever slept?
  
  2pm
• 31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?
  
  haha no.. and only if I could find a way to make it look snazzy
• 32: Do you pick at scabs?
  
  no
• 33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?
  
  black
• 34: How far can you throw a baseball?
  
  not super far.. idk
• 35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
  
  idk.. I adore so many European countries. England would be the easiest though. haha
• 36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?
  
  no, yes, yes, no. GOOD.
• 37: Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why?
  
  I went to a public ivy and loved it. The big school experience was amazing- so much happening all the time. I recommend it. 
• 38: A relationship with love or one with sex?
  
  Love
• 39: Do you eat enough vegetables?
  
  nope.. 
• 40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?
  
  some, some
• 41: Would you scratch a crotch itch in public?
  
  HAHA. If I could hide it, probably.
• 42: Do you swear in front of your parents?
  
  Yep. They give no shits.
• 43: Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?
  
  a unicorn.. peace (of the duo peace & quiet), big bird, Lucille Ball as Harpo Marx.. I enjoy halloween costumes. :) 
• 44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?
  
  Either auburn or a more unique shade of brown
• 45: Do you want to get married? Have kids?
  
  No, and no.. but I would like to be a foster parent. Just not give birth.
• 46: Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should.
  
  I don't carry water with me so.. yeah
• 47: City or nature person?
  
  CITYYYYY
• 48: Have you ever used something other than "makeup" as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)
  
  uh no.. ??
• 49: Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you're a guy?
  
  Yep. But I am female.
• 50: Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY!
  
  haha! uhm ok.
  1. I can do this: http://youtu.be/SQmr7QDQTas
  2. I am freakishly strong for a girl.
  3. I can memorize song lyrics after hearing a song like twice.
  4. I am really good at understanding other people's body types and helping them pick clothes that work. I am also good at estimating clothing sizes on people.
  5. I am very open in showing people that I love them- I compliment my friends ALL the time, but I have never in my life given anyone a compliment that wasn't 100% sincere.

but i will hold on hope;

Holy shit its December.

Its December and on the 28th that will mean that it will be a year since I left for Europe and in that year my life has changed so much I can't even fully explain where I was before this all happened.

I have learned more about myself in this year than I ever have ever before.. and I have grown into a person I can truly say that I like.

But I have also learned what kind of expectations I have for people.. and like.. being around new people  has shown me that.

Its weird. I've learned that the expectations I had/have of people are effected in both directions by the experiences I've had and the people I've been around. I've learned that I am a steel magnolia, and I am a person who can easily be described as fiercely independent. I've learned that I really really suck at asking for help, and that maybe its possible for people to find me interesting and actually want to know things about my thoughts and my life.

Its really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that any person would want to know a random story from my childhood or who my favorite teacher was in high school or.. anything like that. Its hard for me to understand that some people really do care. People have always found me "easy to talk to" and divulged things to me that they wouldn't always tell anyone, but I have never been that way with much of anyone. I mean, there are a couple things that, prior to knowing Jenn, that no one knew about me at all.
And I am really thankful that I met her and know that she will listen to me and be there for me.. there's something so reassuring about meeting someone so amazing at a hugely transitional point in your life and that person validates you in a way that no one else has been able to before. Not that there aren't other super amazing people in my life.. its just.. there's something to be said for the person who walks in out of nowhere and was able to, without intending it, to be the reason New York really does feel like home to me now.

Over the summer, I was feeling really kind of lost. Pretty depressed most of the time, and like.. considering just escaping to somewhere else and trying to delay becoming at all settled because I didn't feel ready for it. I didn't feel like I had any reason to be anywhere at any time, and then I had someone there who was exactly the person I needed.

I am endlessly grateful for that.

Also, just in general, living in NYC is flipping amazing and I cannot imagine living anywhere else. It is all its cracked up to be for sure.
Its hard not to get wrapped up in the speedy haze that everyone walks around in.. I need to remember to slow down and look up and be present.

This post kind of went in a lot of weird directions but what can I say.. that's what my brain does.

Peace.

but there will be noise;

IT HAS BEEN SO LONG.

Its about to be December for heaven's sake.

Here's the hot jams:

-My day job is almost over.. next Friday, perhaps. Before Christmas definitely, but unemployment is looming in my very near future. (This was a contract job, so I've known this was coming from the beginning and continue to do nothing about it.)

-I am stage managing a show that closes on Sunday!

-I am doing a weird freelance PR/production management gig which starts soon.. I'll be working on getting a show booked and then once it does money will happen. I'll also be SMing the show once it starts performing/touring/whatever.

-Jenn and I haggled with a Christmas tree salesman and lugged a tree to our apartment via the subway. It was incredibly graceful.

-All the roommates stayed around for Thanksgiving so we cooked and I sang songs and laughed and ate SOOO MUCH. It was really fun. We also went to the Macy's Parade where I proceeded to drop my phone on the damn sidewalk and the screen shattered. -___- Not sure how in hell I am going to pay to fix/replace it.

I really have many more things to say but this will have to be all for the moment.

Gotta go do a show.

the long way round;

I really shouldn't allow myself to become so frustrated by situations that are pretty much beyond my control at this point and are just.. fucking ridiculous, to be perfectly honest.

But I am bothered and I want to do something about it but I have no idea what to do.
I am an adult.
Shouldn't I know how to deal with bullshit yet?

I definitely feel like I am swimming in uncharted waters. Everything is a risk.
I don't miss the past but I desperately want the immediate future to be more resolved, so I am a wee bit uneasy in the present.

Whatever.

I am wearing leather skinny pants tomorrow so I guess I will go to bed now.

it sure would be prettier with you;

Life makes me happy lately. There's something about this time of year in the city that makes me want to frolic and love life.

The only problem at present is that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

(Deja vu, anyone?)

Yes, this is clearly something I have been questioning for quite some time now. But..

GUH.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS.

After doing the things I've done since moving here (and working in food, retail, and with kids before moving here)... I have a pretty lengthy list of things I do not want to spend my life doing.
But I have a VERY short list of things I can maybe see myself possibly doing perhaps if I can get into it somehow.

Going to Europe was a dream.
Moving to NYC was a dream.
And there have been dreams that popped up along the way that I didn't even know I had.
And it has been amazing.

But now I need to find out what my next dream is and really work towards pursuing it.

The things I want to do are either things that seem basically impossible to make a living doing or.. are things that seem impossible to break into. Like industries that seem to never be hiring new people such as myself who have no experience. I don't know. I just really don't want to be stuck at a desk my entire life dealing with dumb shit that I don't care about at all...... just.. guh. Like. I CARE about my present job, but the whole office scenario is what has made me feel like I don't want to be there forever (if that were even an option, which it isn't).

So now I am trying to explore the options and figure out what the hell is the best thing to do. The thing is, even if I like a job I can't ever see myself being thrilled to work in an enclosed area all day every day, which is basically what every job is... I need varying days. I need varying tasks. But stable employment would also be pretty awesome.
I am unsure how to reconcile this.

Whatever.
I'm just going to sit here and sip coffee until I can deal with this shit.

I'm so tired, I can't sleep;

Lots of things are happening right now.

Outside of the fact that it is election day, I am in the midst of applying for jobs AGAIN, my roommates and I are having a hair dying fiesta right now (only one of us' hair is being dyed, but its an inclusive process so we are all involved with it.. haha), Jenn and I did some major cleaning and organizing today...


And yesterday I found out that one of my beloved acting teachers, Brad Waters, passed away.

I took his acting class when I was in 9th grade, and was in the productions of BCPE and Good Times Review that he directed that year.
He was the first one to really push me out of my comfort zone as an actor. He was the first one to cast me as a character with a name in BCPE. He made me write a poem to be performed in Good Times (though it was a comedic poem)... and he pushed me WAY out when it came to my monologue in his acting class.
It was from the play Equus, and if you don't know the concept of that play (& happen to care) you can read it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equus_(play)
My monologue was Dora, the mother, and it was definitely the most emotionally raw thing I had ever done.. and I don't think I ever really wrapped my 14-year-old head around it. But the acting lessons I learned in that were some that I will always carry with me.

Brad was definitely a pivotal part of my life as an actor, and as a teenager growing up. I feel horrible that I didn't keep in closer contact with him after he moved on from CFRT... we emailed some until I was about a sophomore in college but after that .. nothing really.

I am truly in shock that he is gone and I will miss him dearly.

------------

That's really all.


Roommates and I are breaking out the champagne.
Obama is president again.
:)

i will wait for you;

I absolutely love living in NYC.

There is nothing more New York to me than walking through a park wearing adorable winter accessories and casually sipping a latte from a holiday Starbucks cup. There's something about the brisk fall air that makes me feel so alive and so happy to be here in the city of my dreams.

I've lived here for 5 and a half months now, and one one hand it seems like it has been forever.. but on the other it seems like that time has gone by in the blink of an eye.

I am trying to start to get my life together.. I am on a lease now which is quite good and I have a job but soon (very soon actually) I will need a new one. And I have some AMAZING people in my life.

I am so much happier here.

My last few months in NC I was pretty down in the dumps.. pretty bored, frankly. I didn't really have anyone to hang out with there outside of work... at least no one who was free on a regular basis. And then Europe was absolutely incredible.. but I was still pretty alone through all that. My Polish family was so kind but there was only so many ways in which they were able to support me and only so many things I could or would tell them.

When I first moved here I was pretty much a hot mess (and still am on many counts), but now I am just so much better. I am better at being a grown up, more mature, more zestful and thankful. Its just a good life. And now my goal is to figure out what the hell my career should really be and work on chasing after it. And just to keep growing, being present, and being thankful.

------------------------------------------------

"I’d known since I was 5, when my parents forced me to move to California, that I was going to live in New York eventually and that everything in between was just a horrible intermission. I’d spent those sixteen years imagining what New York was going to be like. I thought it was going to be the most exciting, magical, fraught-with-possibility place that you could ever live in; a place where if you really wanted something, you might be able to get it; a place where I’d be surrounded by people I was dying to be with. And I turned out to be right." -Nora Ephron

cause you're everywhere to me;

So a hurricane happened.

Basically all I have done for the past 3 days is sit around on the internet, eat, and talk about how bored I am.
Tomorrow will probably be the exact same because the subways are all closed and so my office is closed.

BLARGH.

I am very grateful that I live uptown on this massive hill so no flooding was able to to me..  ALSO its kickass that we never lost power. Holler.

Anyway. I just wanted to make this general announcement.
Listening to the dance mix of I will Come to You by Hanson.. lol. Loving it.

Happy post-hurricane and pre-halloween day, all!

my heart is a thousand years old;

WELL I AM ON A BUS. This hasn't happened in a while. Jenn and I decided randomly to galavant off to Philly for 1 night, which was last night, and now we are on our way back to NYC just in time for this supposed hurricane. lol.

Its been a lovely journey. Just what I needed really. I have just been so consumed with WORK and stuff.. and this was the exact mini-escape I needed with the exact perfect person to be there with me. I am already feeling more refreshed and ready to tackle this life shit that is happening.

This week I need to really hit the job applications hardcore and start figuring out what the fuck to do with myself.. LAWD.

I really love having a good support system though. Having friends has done WONDERS for me.. I feel so much happier, more secure, everything is just on a higher plane. And thankfully I have been spending a lot less money because its enough to just sit and talk with someone (like you, Jenn) and I don't really have to go and find an *~activity~* because to be perfectly honest the most memorable and important times to me are the ones where I can bond with someone I really adore.

On a similar note, I feel like I am finally growing into my personality.

But let's back up and explain.

I have always been an incredibly complimentary person, with incredible amounts of love to dish out... which to be quite frank is overwhelming to a lot of people. They're like gahhh what the hell is this person and why is she so overwhelming. I've been through a lot of bullshit with bullshitty people.. but I have finally gotten to a place where I am so happy with who I am and comfortable with myself that I don't need any specific validation back.

It is actually more fulfilling for me to be there for someone else than it is to have someone be there for me.

Now, I'm not saying I don't need to vent or talk out my life issues with people, I do.. but I have never been very good at talking about the really serious things, and I can count on less than three fingers the amount of people who know ALL the things that I don't typically share with people. But most of those things.. all of them actually.. are so long gone that I am over them. I think so anyway. And that doesn't mean they don't still haunt me.. I think they always will. But I think that's normal.

ANYWAY. What I am getting at here is- I think I am finally at a place where I am a steel magnolia, if you're catching what I'm throwing. Like, I am not afraid to share my vulnerable side (with the right people) but I am also very strong and I feel like I can handle a lot of things that in the past would have torn me apart. I have a thick skin too, so I don't get offended when people are less receptive to my .. oddities.

It means a lot to me to be able to be there for people, to be that safe person. It makes me feel validated that they trust me that much. It makes me feel validated if I can help comfort someone or just be there for them when they let out these things.

Having people's company has always been my favorite thing. It is always a pleasure.

I am basically really just enjoying life right now.

I have always been able to look back and be like.. yes, things do happen for a reason. No matter what changes, I still believe that there is a God and that he is looking out for me and leading me where I need to go. I don't believe in coincidences generally.

I was not ready to move to NYC in January. But I was ready for an adventure, and that's where Europe came in. Even though it was a HUGE struggle that my Italian host family fell through, I see now that that happened so that I could have the opportunity to go to Poland. And that caused the whole thing to be only about 4 months total, putting me all alone when it was time for me to look for jobs and move to NYC. Then I was going to live with Heather & Tyler. That was the plan... but then it fell through. At the time, I was freaking the hell out but now I am SO glad that happened. It gave me the opportunity to live in Brooklyn which was PERFECT.. and then I was almost homeless.. but then I found that 3 month sublet which I did not enjoy very much at all... but that timing was perfect to meet Jenn and live with her and now life is FUCKING LOVELY. Boo yah.


Now I just have to find another job. BLARGH.

In other news, I AM SO STOKED TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS IN NYC. STOKED AS A MOFO. Its going to be SO PRETTY. :)

I am just in a good place right now, in all ways. Even though I am on a bus.

Personality-wise, I feel like I am exactly who I should be, and that is a really good feeling. I should probably work on being a wee bit more open though. Meh.

That'll be all for now folks. Happy weekend.

gonna take a lot to drag me away from you;

My current job is temporary, and has been the most insane ride I have theoretically been on since my good old theatre days at CFRT.

My coworkers are hilarious though.. I work in a room of the most ridiculous crowd of people ever. They are all obsessed with snacking and celebrating birthdays, and they all have VERY strong opinions.   I am super amused by all these people, and really enjoy observing their antics. Its also fun because I am about 20 years younger than all but 1 of them, who is in her early 30s I would say.

Its been a fun ride, but more than anything it has me wondering what the actual fuck I am going to do when this is over.

Like.. GUH. Just guh. I have been dealing with job application stuff since March... NON-STOP. And I finally had about a month away from it while I've been doing this job and now having to pick it back up is proving to be a real challenge.

We shall see how it goes, but first- I am going to Philly tomorrow. (Just for one night though. Me & Jenn.)
I am pretty stoked. Should be fun times, and will definitely be a good break from reality that I am in great need of.


Other than that, life is progressing as normal.

And I am obsessed with spotify.

And I want an ice cream sundae please and thank you.

& maybe we won't feel so alone;

My work schedule has been ABSOLUTELY INSANE lately. I just got done with an entire week of late nights, followed by work Saturday AND TODAY FOR LIKE 12 HOURS. I am exhausted.

I am also really starting to freak out (but not enough to actually DO anything about it) because my time at my current job will come to an end soon, as it is a contract position. I just.. I still really have no clue what I want to do with my life.

I can name a lot of things I DON'T want to do, but I really have no idea what sort of job I would be happy with for several years in a row. I get bored easily and I hate being stuck sitting at a desk all day but I don't have the talent it takes to perform in any respect. There are a lot of things I think I would do well at.. frankly, any job I got I would be determined to do well at because I don't allow myself to fail at things.

Its just hard man.

But I am so much happier in my outside-of-work life that I almost don't give 2 shits about my job. I'm starting to just kind of have faith in myself and my future..

ALMOST.

We shall see how things go.

I am so happy with my emotional state right now though- its completely different from when I first moved here and I know that I have grown up a lot more.

When I moved here I was in a pretty uncertain emotional state. I was like uhhhh should I go back to Europe? Should I run away to California? Should I just give up? Should I just keep chasing pavements? (lol) .. But seriously. It was a rough time.

And to be perfectly honest, the MOST pivotal reason I am so much happier and sure that I am where I belong is Jenn. She is a little sunshiney precious lady of perfection. I really REALLY was in need of someone with stability in my life- someone who I knew I could count on and someone who would need to count on me. I needed a buddy. And she is just what the doctor ordered. Pretty much the most incredible roommate ever and basically one of the most incredible people I have ever met. I am amazed by her.

And not only that, she is SO emotionally supportive, generous, sweet.. just freaking perfect. And she makes me brownies. And that is pretty spectacular.


Oh hey I NEED TO THINK OF A HALLOWEEN COSTUME!!

Also I am really in a point where I am very I-don't-need-no-man if you know what I mean. I am feeling so whole and confident without even worrying about that shit. I don't want to ever get married, I am pretty much positive in saying, and I don't give half a rat's ass about trying to date or whatnot right now. I just don't want to. I don't need that.


Annnd of course I think I need to get a bit more aware of my caloric intake and loose a bit of weight. I am 100% confident in my body, but I feel like I've gained some in the last month or so... GUH. Weight. It sucks man.
I definitely don't want to start weighing myself though... it just makes me get way too hung up on numbers and to be perfectly candid, it is a bit triggering for me to weigh myself or even to try to diet consciously. If you want to know why, ask.

Soooo yeah nothing else is happening.

I get to see Stacy again on November 2!! Pretty thrilled for that.

AND THANKSGIVING IS KIND OF SOON AND IT IS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY GUYS.

my ignorance & bliss;

IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG.

I have been both extremely busy and without internet access lately, thus the lack of posting.

1. I signed a lease.
2. My neighborhood is a bit on the sketchy side, but at lease I have a closet and live off an express train.
3. My job is pretty cool.

4. MY ROOMMATE IS PERFECT.

Like, seriously.

When I first moved here I had a few friends, but didn't/don't see them very often and they all had their own shit going on and stuff.
But then Jenn found me on facebook when she was looking for a roommate.

She is freaking perfect. Having her as a friend makes me like my life SO much better, because I finally have someone here who I can depend on for when I need someone, and I have someone to depend on me as well.

Seriously like the most kind, loving, giving, empathetic, humorous, precious, adorable and stunning person OF ALL. I cannot even deal. PERFECTION.

I need a support system around me, and I need HUMAN INTERACTION. And my lovely bff roommate is the ideal version of that.

5. STACY LONDON'S BOOK IS OUT.

I went to her book launch party on Tuesday, and her Barnes & Noble talk & signing on Wednesday. The book launch was fun. I had 3 glasses of champagne and ate lots of cheese & tootsie rolls & met someone new from twitter & hung out with Heidi. Good times. Stacy scolded my impulse buy and I petted her feathered clutch bag.

The book signing  was ok but CRAZY rushed. Like.. calm down people. But since it was my Stace-aversary she drew me a picture of Al and wrote "3rd!!!" in a heart. That was sweet. :)

I pretty much love her a lot in case you haven't noticed.

6. This weekend is my birthday and Monday I have off work and I am stoked for it all.

7. I am so self-assured lately. So confident and feeling like an awesomepants. All of the above things are contributing factors to this. I know what I bring to the party.

& I'm caught in between;

My life continues to be an endless roller coaster of ridiculum.

The apartment we THOUGHT we were going to definitely get is not done being renovated... and APPARENTLY it is not going to be done by Oct 1.. So I called some management dude about it who has yet to get back to me, and then today we went to look at yet another apartment, under the same management company. The location is not great.. still going to be an hour commute to where I work now.. but the apartment itself is very nice on the inside and cheaper.. but there is a broker fee.

BUT I guess we are just going to pay it.

I certainly hope that this is the last frazzled apartment related blog entry I write.

As a sidenote, I really appreciate the fact that Rachel & Kurt on Glee got a loft in Bushwick off the J train.. one giant room for $1800 a month. BECAUSE IT IS REALISTIC. I am so glad that one tv show (ironically the LEAST realistic tv show ever) is showing the fact that living in a place in NYC is really really difficult. Thank you, Ryan Murphy.

My job is pretty much good though! haha. Its super chill and kind of boring right now because all it really is is phone calls..  but its cool to be a part of it. And I am actually really excited for Making Strides! Its definitely going to be a ton of work, overtime ALL week before it, then work all weekend and back to work Monday.. but I think it'll be worth it. And its only one weekend.

AND ERIN COMES ON THE 22ND.

ONLY FOR A NIGHT THOUGH.

BUT SHE IS GOING TO BE AMERICAN AGAIN.

..

I was thinking today about how much easier it would have been to sign a lease on that Sugar Hill apartment I looked at with Heather & Tyler back in May.. but my life here would be so much different if I had done that! Job wise- I would be the same I think.. but like.. if I had never taken this sublet, I never would have been searching for another one.. and I never would have met Jenn!! And life would just be different.
She is such an amazing person and I am so grateful to know her. I love it when I just click with people immediately and she is definitely one of them.
I just feel bad that I have no one else to hang out with so I always bother her when I get bored and need a buddy.. 

I am hungry and it is nearing 2am and I have to clean this room and go to sleep.

& back to your life;

WELL WELL WELL. Something good finally happened. The dumbass management company for the apartment (which is technically in 'Central Harlem', not Hamilton Heights as I had originally labeled it) has FINALLY APPROVED US. This is the building that we originally wanted, where we all have a bedroom with a closet, and there is an elevator, and we are right off the 3 train and just a few blocks from the A train!! HOLLER.

This is going to be good news bears. Saturday we get to go look at the actual unit we will be living in.. the one we applied for got taken before our application went in but.. they really are all pretty much the exact same so its all good. I am just happy that I will have a place to live and will not be homeless.

I am also pretty stoked about my wall decor. I have one wall mentally planned out already. :) AND I maybe want to get Christmas lights to put on my wall that are over my bead, kind of as an alternative to getting a reading lamp. We shall see.

The only downside to this is that we probably won't get to move in until the very end of the month.. but whatever. My current roommates are cool with me hanging here till then, and I guess it'll give me more time to get bedroom related items such as a bed. lol.

Also! Now that this is all set, I will hopefully have more time to focus solely on getting a new job. I honestly don't know how much longer I can deal with this temp job.. I feel like my brain is melting. Its just... GUH. Ridiculous. Sooo yeah.

I really need a new job.

That's really all that's happening. I am pretty pleased that its structured jacket/scarf weather. Going to look for boots this weekend I think. :)

I think I've had enough of this;

Sometimes I really wish Stacy London would just materialize in front of me and give me a hug.

I really need someone here who GETS me. Like.. someone who knows that after an exceptionally shitty day, I might need a hug, or at least someone to ride the train with and vent.. something.

Basically the apartment situation gets worse by the day. I cannot deal with living here much longer.. its just miserable because my roommates are very inconsiderate and I feel SO awkward around them. My room is literally a SAUNA. We NEVER have hot water. The neighborhood is SO trashy.. as in like.. there is literally trash all over the damn place. Why. I just need to get out of here and have my own space, for sanity's sake.

The options are as follows:

A) An apartment in the Upper East Side area which we think is a misrepresentation of what it actually is.. like.. it HAS to be more expensive than they say. Also the landlord I've been dealing with is a huge fool and SUCKS at responding to texts/calls.

B) Sunset Park, Brooklyn. This is in a brownstone, where we'd be directly above the landlord (& family). Its an odd layout, but good price and available immediately. Neither of my future roommates like it... but I would be fine with it. I have no problem with being a little quieter (or rather, more conscious of the noise I might make) if it gives me somewhere to live.. as opposed to homeless.

C) Hamilton Heights, with the management company from HELL who has now kicked our application back to us three times. I wouldn't trust those people if their tongues came notarized, frankly, and even if they do at some point approve the application, we probably won't be able to move in until Oct. 1.

D) Live on the street.

Not a huge fan of any of those, tbh.

I have no idea what's going to happen with it all but.. I am just literally so incredibly fucking over it I cannot even explain.

If I could do this whole process over again, I would go about it VERY differently.. I'll say no more.

And thennnn there is the constant JOB issue.

Mother of God.

I am SO ready/eager/anxious/fighting tooth & nail to have both a place to live and a job that I at least remotely like. That is all I fucking want and I do not understand why its so hard to get.

I interviewed for this job the other day that I am DYYYINNGGG to get.. but I don't think I did because they literally wanted someone to start Monday and it is currently Sunday at 12:55am and I have heard nothing.

Its just so frustrating to KNOW that you are capable of things but be denied opportunity after opportunity.. I just hate this.

My biggest fear right now is that this is as good as it'll ever get.

--------------------------

White knuckles & sweaty palms from hanging on too tight.

Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight..

Trying to hold, trying to hold, but

There's nothing to grab so I let go..

I think I've finally had enough

I think I maybe think too much

I think this might be it for us.

...

My head is spinning so

blow me one last kiss.

Just when it can't get worse

I've had a shit day

You've had a shit day

We've had a shit day

I think that life's too short for this

want back my ignorance & bliss

I think I've had enough of this

Blow me one last kiss.

-Pink

------------------------------------------------

In other, happier news, I finished reading Stacy London's book 'The Truth About Style' yesterday at 4am. It was SO SO GOOD. So good that I got sad when there were no more pages to read. It was humorous yet very eloquent, and inspiring, but in a legitimately tangible way.

I won't give away too much, but Stacy is so sweetly candid about her own experiences, which all speak volumes about why she is who she is. Each of the 9 women featured has a unique issue with style (and life!) , and Stacy's ability to understand those issues immediately and tackle them head on is something that will never cease to amaze me. She really does see peoples' potential, and is able to bring out the best in them!

The book was wonderful. I highly recommend it. And I am thrilled to have gotten to read it before it comes out!! :)

perfect to me;

SO TONIGHT WAS FNO. It was awesome. Stacy was to be arriving at New York & Company at 6, and when I got there at 5:15 there was already a line around the corner. Luckily though I was in the first 100, so after finally going in at about 5 after 6, I was handed my free copy of Stacy's new book- The Truth About Style.. ONE MONTH before it gets officially released. SO awesome.

At the beginning Stacy was talking to some people in the back of the store, and as she walked towards the front she had her back to me, but I squeezed her arm (in a friendly way) and she turned around and goes "Oh my God Kelley HI!!" and gave me a HUGE hug. She said, "You look great!" (with this hilariously subtle tone of surprise.. I think it was because my makeup was way more prominent than she's ever seen on me.. it was good makeup though) I of course thanked her and then she said, "How are you?" which I know was a bigger question than it seemed, because she said it in a way that was just so.. Stacy..like it was this air of concern.. and I just said, "Good.. really good."

She spent some time kind of mingling around the store and talking about the trends this season and such.. just basically being adorable and telling random people YOU would look great in this, etc. It was basically to just market some of the products there, obvs. It was so fun and entertaining!

Also I should mention that at one point the song F-ck You came on and she started mouthing and dancing and goes, "I wanna be on Glee!" lol. LOVE her.

Then Stacy sat in the little area reserved for picture taking and I waited in another long line, finally got up there and got my book signed and took a couple pictures with Stacy & my new friend Heidi from twitter!! I handed Stacy her incredibly belated birthday gift, which was basically this photo album which I converted into a "Stace-book"(lol) and on like.. the first half of the pages I would highlight one thing Stacy has given/taught me (like style, confidence, etc) and then the second half was one of Stacy's qualities that I admire per page (like sunshine-y.. haha). In the gift bag was also a necklace that I got for her from Poland, as well as a very verbose letter I wrote just the other day. :) She said, "You nut- what are you doing getting me things?!" hahahaa. LUHH HER. I handed the gift off to Kasey- the assistant. I met Kasey in April but I don't think she remembered me.

ANYWAY.

THEN this guy in charge was like telling us that if you try on an outfit then you could show it to Stacy and let her comment/fix/style you basically!! So I grabbed this blue & black color-blocked dress which I did like, but just wanted to be STYLED OMG. After trying it on, Stacy said "I don't like the way it cuts you here" motioning to like right below my shoulders where the black ended and blue began. She walked over and grabbed another dress- a super soft sweater dress that came with a thin black belt. "You're not leaving till it works," Stacy said, and I love that. The one she grabbed (at random) was an extra small (lol) so I of course had to go grab my size.. which is apparently a MEDIUM. (I was kind of amazed because most always I just grab a large at any given store- I just assume I am always 'large.')

So I put that on, showed it to Stacy. She did that thing where she points up and down and said, "Love that!" I said, "Its good?" and then motioned to my midsection, "I feel uncomfortable" .. You see, this dress was kind of loose and blousy at the neck and then SUPER tight from belly button down. My ass and hips and tummy were making me feel QUITE exposed. She said that the solution would be a wider belt, and pointed out the fact that the one the dress came with was actually too big for me! She also suggested an ankle boot, so then I was escorted upstairs by a staff member, tried on kickass black ankle boots, and then escorted back downstairs where another staff member had gotten the perfect belt just for me!! They were all SO sweet and attentive! I felt like such a princess!! :D

So I showed Stacy the final result and she loved it. We took a picture or two and she of course asked, "How do you feel?" and I said of course that I loved it. Then she was like, "There's a pink cocktail dress over there that is SICK that I'd love to see you in" So THEN she had someone get it for me(!) and I was told to go back to the fitting room and wait. So yes. I was delivered the dress.. in a size 10 that I requested, only to discover yet again that something was too big for me(!!!!) so then I was delivered a size 8 by a salesperson. That one fit much better. Oh and I also left on the ankle boots, which Stacy had instructed me to do.

Went out to present it to Stacy and she said, "I think I may like this even better than the blue!" And I agreed. Then she was saying that because I have small shoulders (MY SUSPICION ABOUT HAVING SMALL SHOULDERS HAS FINALLY BEEN CONFIRMED LADIES AND GENTS. I KNEW IT.), I have to take things up in the shoulder, so that the waistline and such will fit higher on me, at my exact natural waist. So then she pinned one shoulder up while the people around me said things like "You look wonderful!" or "I love that dress!" ... It was like wtf holy crap everyone is complimenting me and I FELT SO FREAKING AWESOME YOU GUYS. I honestly have not felt that good about myself/my body in a really long time, so that was seriously incredible. Kasey, Stacy's gorgeous assistant, pinned up the other shoulder.

After that I put back on my actual clothing, bought the pink dress (which.. how could I not have after they pinned it so perfectly?) and then Heidi and I were going to attempt to tell Stacy goodbye, but she was quite busy with other people so we just peaced out.

It was such a wonderful evening. Stacy makes me feel like a fucking princess. Like a fierce hot tamale. Like a human worthy of my dreams. She is just perfect, and I cannot thank her enough for how much she has done for me. :)

----

And of course, a HUGE shoutout to the New York and Company employees, who were ALL incredibly helpful, kind, and courteous.

you go on & I'll be happier;

Well hello. Thanks to some intense searching and meeting with approximately one million realtors (out of which only about 2% were NOT fools), I am pretty sure that I am not going to be homeless.

The roommates and I are down to 2 apartment options, and God-willing, we will know by this weekend which place is the final answer.

There are really pros and cons to both, but I just hope that no matter what, we all enjoy living there.

I am incredibly stoked to actually get to live with people I LIKE again.. Goodness. It will be wonderful to have my OWN space with my OWN things and be in a situation where I don't feel awkward walking through the kitchen pants-less while another roommate is in there. I mean, good Lord. My roommates will be Jenn and Rachel. Rachel I have only interacted with via facebook messages, but she seems very sweet, open, nice.. creative. Lovely, basically. And Jenn is like omg so precious. She and I clicked incredibly quickly, and she is the perfect thoughtful balance to my chaotic, dive-in-without-thinking personality. I think we will be good at being roommates. ALSO we watch like all the same tv shows and both play the ukulele... yeah dude this is going to kick ass.

I am getting really REALLY burnt out by this job search process. I mean, goodness. I am definitely qualified for more things than what I am doing- for SURE- but like.. the whole process of applying for anything and everything and gh8erhsh[eh[[ho I JUST AM OVER IT. I just want a slightly better job than I presently have. I have been working my ass off for it. Why is it not working.

Other than that, my other whims such as the possibility of returning to Europe and/or the possibility of moving to California and/or the possibility of getting a cat or a small dog are on hold.

I really just want to chill out for a hot second and eat Chinese food in an apartment I like with a roommate I love and wake up every morning and go to a job I don't hate.

Is that really too much to ask?!

Here's a random thing I have been thinking about based on a post my bff Jamie made on her blog.

(I hope she doesn't care that I've mentioned her here.) But anyway it was a post about like.. how much cool (and some not cool) stuff that has happened in the past 5 years and the things she has accomplished, etc.

And I think that's fabulous.

I wish I could do that.

I wish I could look back and say, "Hey- look how far I've come. Look at what I've accomplished."

But I cannot do that.

Literally if someone were to ask what accomplishment are you most proud of I would have no answer. I feel like I have done NOTHING with my life. AT ALL.

Like, I realize its silly to say that because I have done THINGS but like.. I don't see ANY of it as great or even above average. Everything I "accomplish" is something that I do because I don't see the other option. Like.. for example: there is no option but to graduate college. Failure was not an option.

There is no option to move back to NC because I would feel like a FAILURE. I have to make my life here in NYC.

Etc.

Basically the motto in my head is always "there is no choice but to press on" and that is basically how I have seen every choice I've ever made and every "accomplishment" I've had.

That's all.

TOMORROW IS FASHION'S NIGHT OUT WHICH I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO ATTEND FOR LIKE THREE YEARS I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE STACY YOU GUYS.

I WILL CERTAINLY MAKE A POST ABOUT IT.

before we turn to stone;

Guess the fuck what.

The management company we are dealing with for this apartment we applied for is a bunch of STRAIGHT UP IDIOTS so they keep sending back the paperwork (its been a huge back & forth thing) and asking us for stuff we have ALREADY SENT.

Sweet Lord.

SO now we don't get to move until like mid-month.

I am so over it.

Luckily though, Tara has offered to let me stay with her & Samantha in Astoria.. and I just found out today that my roommates here are staying for another month so I can stay here if I want to as well!!

Meanwhile, I have been on an online tirade looking for any and all apartments which fit our budget requirements and am trying to make appointments to see ALL of them.

The plan is to go see three or 4 tomorrow, and MY hope is that we love one of them and put some money on it immediately and get it off the market so we can move in next weekend. This is best case scenario however.

Otherwise, we are stuck with the management company from hell and will probably end up in the most shitty apartment they have.

I am also still on this fucking find a new job quest.. Got an interview scheduled for Thursday, internship possibility, and working on finding some babysitting/nanny work that would allow me to do said internship if I get it. GUHHH.

In other news, I am obsessed with makeup lately. I LOVE going to Sephora and trying out random products and such.. and now have some favorite brands/products that I would really like to get... I might do that this weekend actually. And my obsession has been compounded thanks to this adorable girl on youtube: taliajoy18. LOOK HER UP IMMEDIATELY. She is fighting 2 types of cancer and she is only 13, and she is so delightful, wise beyond her years, and a complete PRO when it comes to makeup. Seriously.

I am also super looking forward to this coming Thursday night- Fashion's Night Out!! I GET TO SEE STACY YOU GUYS. Hopefully it will not be insanely crowded. And I have been holding off on buying clothing so I can get a couple things that night. :) JUST A COUPLE though because holy hell bedding and mattresses and bedroom shit is SO expensive.

I am sleeepy. More words later.

summer is over;

I have a massive amount of shit staring me in the face this week.. stuff I have been putting off has gotten to the point where it has to happen, and stuff that needs to happen because I HAVE TO MOVE AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

The biggest annoyance here is that I haven't even gotten a chance to apply for any jobs lately because all this moving related crap is in the way.. guh. I want to get out of this job so bad and into something that suits me better (and that I at least remotely enjoy) I cannot even deal anymore, but at present the predominant priority is the move, because it is this weekend no matter what.

So before I move I have to: order bedding and a bed frame and make sure it can be delivered at my new place SATURDAY and no later, buy a mattress to have delivered, do laundry, buy a suitcase in which to move my clothing, buy a dresser, clothes hangers, anything else I'd need for a bedroom.. I also have to get my parents to mail me a bunch of stuff that I haven't had time to get from NC yet.

I definitely do want to make some time to apply for at least a few jobs this week though, and get up with the temp agency about what (if any) other options there are for me. Also fashion week is coming up very soon and I might try to get an internship for that week. A new guy at work said he was an intern last year at fashion week and then got several job offers after. Also, I can (if I scrounge) afford to be an intern for a short time such as that. So that's a plus. I really envy people who somehow have enough money to be an intern or a super low paid job in an industry they enjoy. It opens so many doors and gives so much networking potential.. whereas my job is getting me NOWHERE. Its just an obligation. So anyway maybe I can find something like that.. Another thought I had was to try and find a full time nanny job where I wouldn't work traditional business hours, and would be able to intern or volunteer somewhere during the day. I dunno. This whole job search thing is emotionally and physically exhausting. I really just need it to be DONE. Guh.

Anyway, that was a tangent.

There are a few other random things I need to get done this week (including the final touch ups and updates to a certain Birthday present which I have had since MAY but haven't gotten to give it..)... AND I definitely need to just suck it up and make a hair appointment, and pay for a person to put some sort of color in my hair. I haven't actually gotten a haircut in ... a LONG ass time. Like over a year I think. So I want a trim, some layers, and maybe some ombre-ish blonde highlights?? Not sure. I have posted a facebook status just now asking for opinions, so hopefully that will yield helpful results. :) I definitely want to do something color-related though. I am so bored with my hair color.

The goal on the hair is to have it done by Sept. 6 at the latest.. Fashion's Night Out. :D

That's about it I guess.

Oh wait.

One more thing.

Did I mention that me and Jenn and Rachel HAVE NOT EVEN BEEN APPROVED ON THE APARTMENT YET.

Yeah.

Hot fucking mess.

We sent in the application at the beginning of the week, had to clear up some shit with it and add some things a couple days later, and have heard nothing since. I am highly displeased with this and would really prefer NOT to be homeless in a week.

..WHY is it that every time I move I am on the verge of homelessness?

Being an adult sucks, because I am still a scared little girl inside.

I keep meaning to write a post about the oddities of living in NYC, so perhaps I will remember to do that at some point soon.

Ciao bellas.