unusual & tragic & alive;

I think I am sort of having a midway-to-mid-life crisis.
Maybe.

I am lime jello and I am STUCK there.
And if people were rain, I'd be drizzle & you'd be a hurricane.
And back up the train because you went too fast and made me leave myself behind.

I think I have given away too much of myself to too many people. But I don't really know if I know for sure what that means or how to fix it.

I need to remember how to be who I want to be and stop giving a shit about what other people think I should do. I guess. I don't even know.

I just kind of want to retire from everything.

all dressed up & no place to go;

I am really frustrated with myself.
I act like I am so confident and so fine without a man in my life
but the truth, suddenly, I'm not.
I'm sick of being single and I'm sick of being that one girl who is NEVER in a relationship, the girl who clearly is not attractive enough or clever enough or socially adroit enough to have such an honor bestowed upon her.

I don't know the first thing about all of it.
I mean, I know how to be IN a relationship,
I think I'd be good at it,
I just don't know how to get there.

I just don't feel good enough.

Cinderella was still just a servant girl at the end of the night
even though she put on her black ankle boots
and her big black flower fascinator
and her black & green dress with the gold shimmers.

Sometimes, I just think that no matter what I do
there are still a lot of places I just won't fit.

Because unlike Cinderella, I won't stand out despite my lack of importance,
and the prince will pass me by.

..one of the crowd.

lying in the gutter, staring at the stars;

I am a hot mess lately. Of epic proportions.
But that's alright.

I always almost miss the bus and I never get enough sleep and my stuff is always strewn about my apartment or backstage or whatever classroom I happen to be in and I take naps and forget what day it is and sometimes I just can't stop laughing.

I never have time for anything.

But its alright.

Because my nails are painted yellow and the word LOVE is written across my knuckles and I am experiencing the magic of theatre and okay with where I am and feeling very free to be who I am around the people I am around.

I have a lot to say though.
A lot of thoughts I'm holding back because I really don't know what I want for my future... doing this show though, has made me realize yet again how much I adore theatre and theatre people, and how I need to make that a way of life somehow.
Its just beautiful.

See look, I don't even have time to write this. I have to get ready and go pick up Rachel and go to the show. :)
Later.
More later.

3.14159...

"Let's make love like pi
irrational
& never ending."

I lied when I told you I forgot;

Its a miracle that we're still standing.

And I think that sometimes,
with everything that's happening
If I really let it sink in,
if I slowed down enough and let that happen,
I might just collapse.


I really try to focus on the things that matter,
but sometimes those things are too real or too scary to deal with.

I just sit here and escape from it all and watch effing Boy Meets World.
I don't even know what to think.

-------------------------------------------

Anyway, if you want to know what this is REALLY about, I am already as stressed as a mofo. And now my dad is in the hospital and they're trying to figure out whether or not to go ahead and do the surgery to replace his aortic valve on Monday. They're looking at his lung functioning and his kidneys and I don't even know what else but that's whats happening.
Thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

one two three four, tell me that you love me more;

1. I talk to myself a LOT when I am home alone for lots of hours. And most of the time, I talk to myself in silly voices. I don't even know.

2. My goal this afternoon was to take a nap for about 2 hours.. 4:50-6:30. Then I was going to be GOOD and get up and make myself some chicken and a salad for dinner. Because I have gotten really inconsistent about cooking lately.. It just seems to take SO LONG and I am really bad at estimating portion size when its just me and it just seems like tis more trouble than its worth for just one person. Anyway, despite that, I was going to do it tonight. SO I SET AN ALARM ON MY PHONE AND EVERYTHING for 6:30pm. (You see, I was napping because I got very little sleep last night because Caroline's birthday shindig was happening. I escaped from it early (at like 11:30) so I could get sleep, and then didn't really end up getting sleep because of the loudness. BUT IT WAS FINE. She TOTES deserved to have her happy Birthday times :D).. Anyway, my alarm went off and I groggily turned it off and then apparently very quickly fell back asleep, and THEN TWO HOURS LATER, I JOLTED awake and freaked out because I had absolutely no idea what time it was or whatever, and then looked at my phone and it was 8:30pm. I was appalled. So then I ended up having chips & dip for dinner, with a side of leftover gummy bears that were soaked in vodka and then frozen (the work of Taylor, the idea of Caroline).. BUT DON'T JUDGE ME. I am of age and I only ate like.. 5. And they were gummy bears. So 5 is not a lot at all. ... And then I watched like 7 episodes of Boy Meets World. And I have to sleep again soon actually because I have to work at mofo o'clock tomorrow.

3. Annnd life is really really confusing. And the more I try to sort it out in my head the more complicated it feels. I don't want to disappoint anyone. I don't want to feel like a sell out. I don't want to betray anyone's confidences. But I just don't know.

4. Oh and my dad goes back to the hospital early this week (Tuesday I think) to get a cathidorization and to get his aortic valve looked at and to look at the bypass surgery he had done and see whether or not its still holding up.. Depending on what they see, they may decide to keep him there. Thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated.

5. And! Another thing. So, most of you who read this probably already know about my class this semester that requires me to work on a show and spend all my waking hours in the drama building. Well. I found out today that I got the show I want (As You Like It) which starts tech on the 17th I think, AND I am going to be wardrobe crew!! Which means dealing with awesome Shakespearian clothing. Yay. AND my buddy Jordi will be doing it with me, as well as Rachel. Its just the 3 of us on wardrobe. It will be a lot of fun I'm sure, but mostly because I will be in good company. :D

6. I have decided that I really want some boots. And some skinny jeans to wear with said boots. I am itching to go shopping. So, if you want to come. Tell me within the next 14 or so hours, as I would like to go tomorrow or Monday. ;)

the little things you do together;

Last night I played corn-hole in our tiny back yard with Taylor, Caroline, Mark and Adrian, and then me & Taylor sat in a giant box and pretended it was a boat.
Life is good.

the perfection of nothing;

Okay, so I guess I should clarify some things.

A) Life is not as crappy as I made it out to be in my previous post. Love actually IS all around.
B) God has a plan. And my main issue right now is that I don't know what His plan for me is... because
C) I need some things/people to get real with me. Decide where you want me in your life and who you want to be to me and if you want me there or not and then we can work it out. But don't toss me aside the moment something better comes along.
But in all seriousness.
It is okay.
I am okay.
Perhapsless for a while, but okay.
Taking things one at a time.
Floating along on the river of life for a while. Trying not to worry too much.
I love you all for your concern. But I promise I am okay!!

If you need to be convinced otherwise, the most wonderful thing you can do is get in my life. I am always happy to have a dinner/coffee/shopping/cuddle buddy. ;)

the responsibility to not remain silent;

I'm kind of frustrated.

I feel like the place I am in right now, emotionally/mentally, is exactly where I told myself I wasn't going to be at this point in time. Like, I thought it was possible, but I convinced myself it wouldn't be this way. I thought I was stronger.

This time last year, I was living in a dorm where everyone was already bffs with everyone else. I felt completely alone, completely overwhelmed, completely terrified. But at the same time, I was really confident. I knew who I was and I had my own things to do, so I wasn't about to worry about what anyone there thought of me.

But as time went on, not only did I retain my confidence and grow a lot as a person, but I also made some of the best friends I will ever have in that dorm. It was perfect. We were perfect. It was cloud 9 there for a while.

Then something happened.
I don't know what it was or where it started.
But it was like a little fly was buzzing around my head. And I tried to swat it away, but no matter what I did, it would never go away. And it spawned some baby flies that grew bigger than the mother fly could ever have grown. And these flies were infectious. And they buzzed around the ears of the people around me, driving them crazy and making them angry and annoyed and sad and overwhelmed. And the flies grew and grew until they were able to move things and rearrange lives.
And they rearranged my life to the point where I lost my confidence. I did not know who I was anymore; I had lost myself somewhere along the way. The flies had bitten me and each of them had taken a piece of me with them.
Together, somehow, the flies silenced me.
They made me powerless without me even realizing it.

I thought I was okay.
My feigned happiness fooled even myself.

I looked in the mirror and suddenly I was no one.

I was gone.

I left everyone else to fight against the army of flies and I didn't even realize it was happening.

And now, I think they are all gone.
There might be one or two left buzzing about, trying to stir up trouble.
But for the most part the war is over.

And I have been left to sort through the debris and try to find out who I was and where I got lost and try to put myself back together again. Alone.

My confidence is coming back.
But there is still a lot of work that needs to be done.

To anyone who has been emotionally injured in the wake of this infestation of sorts, I take full responsibility and I apologize.

To anyone who is just confused by this post, no need to be so. Disregard it.

The road map is not making much sense anymore, and even looking back I am not sure I know which path I took to get here.
And there are houses on either side of the path, all the way down, with windows with bright yellow light that helps illuminate my way. I want to knock on a door and find rest in someone's living room. But I am too afraid to knock. Because sometimes, when I finally get up the courage to step up to the door and do so, the door opens and I get laughed at or pushed away.

I still don't know what the flies were.