how far do I have to go to get to you;

Warning. Whiny things are to follow.
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I am so overwhelmed by the future. I have zero post-college prospects. I don't even know what I want to do as a career. I am so jealous of the people who have grad school plans and/or jobs secured already.
I don't know what I did wrong, or what I might do to fix it at this point. How do I get out of this abyss of uncertainty... ?
I just don't feel like I am qualified for ANY jobs. Every single job ad I've seen is like "3-5 years of ___ experience required." Clearly I have no experience. Except for theatre and the job I have now. And that doesn't even apply to anything.
I am so pissed about this. I wish I had done something differently. I don't know what, but something. Anything that would have prevented me from this... its like I'm coming towards the end of a road. The path just stops.
I have no idea where to go from here.

well God bless her;

This is about to be really random.

But I have decided that I have a lot of admiration for other women who eat whatever the hell they want. Like, ok, that may have come across incorrectly.

Let's rephrase.

I do not admire people who overeat/gorge themselves/have food addiction/etc.
Nor do I admire people who have eating disorders/starve themselves/overly exercise.

I DO admire women who are like okay I guess I should eat a relatively balanced diet so I guess I will but I'm not going to stress out about it.

I don't think its worth stressing out about.
I think that if you eat 3 donuts before noon, WHATEVER. It happens. That doesn't mean you should eat 10 more, but its not worth freaking out over if you've done it.

I don't even know why I have written this but I have so here it is.

365 thoughts (12)

Loving yourself is an extension of loving others.
You have to learn to embrace others and their flaws, perhaps even excuse their flaws altogether before you can accept and love yourself and your own flaws.
I know I have my issues, but I have grown up and I know how to handle them. And I know you have yours. And I am okay with it all.

Be okay.

Nothing is worth the weight you give it.

beyond the rain;

The sky is not the limit.
The limit does not exist.

Those are some words I should live by in the days & weeks to come.
Keeping the faith in times when everything is about to change has always been hard for me, but I am working on it.

365 thoughts (11)

I think all my negative feelings and memories are tied together by a long string that lies in the back of my mind. And whenever something new gets tied onto that string, it pulls all those old feelings and memories forward, allowing them all to circulate through my mind and consume my thoughts. And each time it becomes harder to let those memories fall back into the depths of me.
Sometimes I think about going away or doing something new, but I can't bring myself to do that either.
I don't know what I need, but I need something. At times like this, I'm not even in the mood to be happy.

lists

Things I love about my job:
the people
the opportunity to learn & grow
how I can sing while washing dishes and not care who hears me
mistake bagels
overdue souflees
the support system
the willingness of everyone to help everyone else
the fact that we are a family
the inside jokes
when people play fun music before we open or after we close
how there really are no stupid questions
how chill everyone is, but so awesome at getting things done
how when there is a line out the door, everyone just quietly goes into hyperspeed mode and everyone is served within just a few minutes
getting to help others
feeling happy to go there when I'm not working and hang out

Wishlist:
go to trainer training soon
find a way to reconcile relationships that seem rocky at the moment
get a ukulele case

Things in my bag:
Well, I usually carry my bookbag when I go to class or work, and my purse is inside it, so this is going to include the contents of both of those.
Laptop
Charger
keys
Ipod
Phone
planner
pen
razor
feminine products
random papers
usually a newspaper
wallet
feminine products
a notebook or 2
sunglasses
lotion
chapstick
other random crap that just ends up there..

Simple goals:
start some sort of exercise routine (my arms and legs have gotten even more muscular than they used to be, but my core needs work)
finish eating my way through the Panera menu (I'm almost there! haha)
practice the ukulele every day
continue being intentional with relationships and making an effort to hang out with people one on one

who i wish you were;

Lately I have been making a conscious effort every day to think positive, be in a good mood despite whatever is happening, and to be more open about saying kind things to people and be less inhibited.
It has been a success, if I do say so myself.

But like, sometimes random things will happen that make me doubt myself.
I don't get why this is the UMPTEENTH TIME that I have been in a state of complete adoration/admiration for someone who I respect a lot and would follow off the edge of a cliff blindfolded if they told me to, who seems to want nothing to do with me.
Why do I always chase the love that alludes me?

Why does it always seem like this one will be different?
Why isn't it different?

Something always happens. Some sort of a setback.
And it leaves me wondering why its happening again and what I could have done to cause it and am I annoying or stupid or a freak or just not good enough?!

What never ceases to baffle me is how each time, I get a new vibe, from the person, showing me that they are different... And then they aren't.

And I just keep loving and adoring and admiring them and hoping I guess that they don't think of me as the most annoying person alive.

when you try your best but you don't succeed;

Maybe I take criticism too personally. I think I get it from my mother.
But when I did theatre, I was very like.. happy to get criticism from my director or whatnot because it made me realize that they were watching me and thought that I was able to improve, so they gave me notes. But the non-theatre kind of criticism tends to hit me pretty hard.
And it is especially bad if it comes from someone I really like. And it really also depends on the way its stated.
Its one thing if someone says, "HEY DO THIS" when I am doing something wrong or .. not doing something I should be or whatever. That's not a problem. But when its said in a way that makes me feel stupid, or like a child, that really hurts. It makes me feel kind of afraid & wary of the person saying it as well, because then I am afraid to be near them because I'm worried that I'll get scolded for something.

It really just bothers me when I try SO HARD to get things right and always have a positive attitude and be helpful and support everyone, and instead of getting any sort of acknowledgement for that, even just a "that's so nice of you" or "thank you", I get random criticism for something that was basically irrelevant at the time.

It makes me feel stupid and incompetent.
I hate being told that I'm doing something wrong.
I try so hard all the time to do everything I'm supposed to do.

I have always been very unsung, in all aspects of my life. Like, there have been many times when people have told me "So & So said you're doing really well at _____" and I think to myself "WHYYY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME THAT!???" I don't get it.
Maybe because I've always been very open about complimenting people when I like something about them or whatever, but it means SOOOO MUCH to me when people tell me I am doing something RIGHT. But I never really get told that.

I actually cannot even remember the last time that has happened in the context which this blog post is based upon. It probably never has.

I think some people hold off on complimenting others because they don't want to give people reason to get cocky.
But I think that if you really know me, you know that it won't go to my head. And even if it did, I would not let it show, at all. And I would still work equally as hard, if not harder because I would be in a GOOD mood and would feel competent and stuff.

Unfortunately for me, it never works out like this.

Also, another thing I just thought of is this.
Some people who are in the position to give criticism to others (like teachers or principals or bosses or whatnot) don't even like.. see the person they're criticizing while its happening. Like, all they see is that something is happening that they don't like (or not happening at all) and they immediately scold and place blame on the person who seems most immediately responsible.
I hate that.

I think that leaders of any kind should ALWAYS take into account who they are talking to.
My personality type lends well to this, but I always consider who I am talking to before I say anything, and I understand people well, so I usually have a sense of how they will react to something before it happens. I would never criticize someone harshly who I knew was sincere and would get their feelings hurt by it. I would say it in a way that they would be okay with! Why don't people do this?!

I don't like insensitivity at all.

And I don't like feeling like an idiot.

I don't like feeling like I've taken one step back.

I want to move forward and feel better about myself & what I'm doing and about us.

..This post has gone on way longer than I expected it too. And has probably made a mountain out of a mole hill, and probably also makes very little sense.

i hope you don't mind if you're still mine when we're older;

I hope you know how much I love you.
I hope you know that I really just want to be in your life. And how much I want to share my life with you. I want to be able to call or text you when I want to share a random fact or get advice or just say hello. I admire you with every ounce of me, and I hope you are as happy as you deserve to be. I hope you realize how incredibly beautiful you are, and that you deserve to feel beautiful every day. I hope you realize that I can make all the excuses I want but I really just hang around because I want to see you and have a moment with you. I hope you realize how much you mean to me, and how much I want to know you. I want to know everything about you. I have so many questions for you, but part of me is afraid that I will never get to ask them. I want you to know that you inspire me more than anyone else, and you are one of my favorite people on the planet and nothing about that is an exaggeration.
I just want to have you in my life always.

--------------

Random fact I have just discovered about myself: I am not intimidated by people who are seen by most as intimidating, because I see the vulnerable, need to be loved side of them and not the intimidating side of them.

with a dream & my cardigan;

In a couple weeks, I get to learn to open at work... which will mean coming in at 5am.
Its amazing how okay I am with being one of those people who goes to bed early and wakes up at insane o'clock.
So okay with it in fact, that I ASKED if I could learn to open.
What is my life.
What are my choices.

frogs have so much spring within them;

The past few days have been incredibly ridiculous.
Tuesday I worked from 6am-2pm, then was in class till 5, then went home to "study"... and if you saw my previous blog post, you can clearly tell that did not work out so well.
Wednesday morning, I went to campus early to get brunch with Samantha, and of course we ended up at Panera because honestly where else do I ever go. It was tasty and fun and got to have some chatty hang out time with Jackie & Sarai (work Sarai that is) & Jurga... and I tried to study a little while there, and basically just ended up having a nervous mental breakdown. So then I took the exam, and I mean, it was not HORRIBLE, but I was definitely BSing. Whatever. It could've been worse. And then I decided to go work on my take home midterm (that was due today, Thursday) in Davis so I would not be too distracted. Lo and behold, I saw Samantha there. And then I proceeded to chase her down and make her sit with me. :)
So we worked on our crap for like three or four hours and then I bought some 5 hour energy because I was well aware of the fact that I would be needing it, and then I got some chick fil-a food and went to this animal shelter with my group for this PSA project. It was very time consuming, and pretty underwhelming, but definitely not a bad way to spend a couple hours. Then I got home and MY UKULELE HAD ARRIVED which caused about a 1.5 hour distraction. Then I was back to the midterm. Throughout working on this, I was eating a cookie, ketchup straight from the packets, and drinking insane amounts of dr pepper. At about 1:30am I took a break to shower, then worked for some more time... then decided to nap till 5am, woke up at 5, finished the writing part... which just needed to be translated into something intelligible because I was SO TIRED that there were typos worse than anything tiny Suhrye has ever spat out. (<33) And the works cited and footnotes for the last (4th) essay needed to be added. That was do-able, I thought, so I took another tiny nap, and woke back up at 6. Got to work at 7. Worked like a MOFO today because it was .. well, let's just say today was intense. Worked on the midterm like a mad-woman over my break, and then worked till 3. Worked on the midterm at work after clocking out, and submitted it by 3:15.
At this point, it was clearly to late to get to my class, so I decided to just hang out and eat and stuff, which was a good decision because I had not eaten all day, and then Leigh came and hung out with me, and we had some fun times with Olivia...
and then suddenly it was 5:30pm and I decided I clearly wasn't going to make it to my evening class either.

So I went to no classes today.
Going to one tomorrow.

Then it'll be spring break
AT LAST.

I need to sleep now.
I have consumed over 9000% of my daily value of vitamin B today.
That is not an exaggeration.

we've got our love to pay the bills;

Things I have done today:
-watch Oprah's behind the scenes show
-watch ukulele covers on youtube
-check facebook and twitter countless times
-tumblr
-incessantly track packages on amazon to see if my ukulele is MAGICALLY close to my house
-watch Pink music videos
-create a potential guest list to my graduation party
-daydream
-update my google calendar
-contemplate bothering co-workers with texts about nothing that can't wait till Thursday when I work again
-eat a muffin (HOLY MUFFINS)
-make & eat a grilled cheese
-wonder why my back hurts so much
-wonder where my roommates are
-talk to Sarai on skype


...
Things I have not done:
-study for the midterm I have TOMORROW
-work on the midterm I have that's due Thursday


What is air.