so how does freedom feel?

You are free.
I refuse to put myself through this any longer.
You don't own me.. I'm not one of your many toys.
It's over. This is it.
Let go.
Inhale;
exhale.
---
Allow me to plagiarize for a moment and slightly paraphrase this quote by someone named Sarah Logan:

I am letting you go because I have to, because it hurts too much. I need to be able to look at you and still see this great person who was trustworthy and understanding. I need to be able to look at you & see an old friend, not just another person who let me down. I've moved on, yes; but that doesn't mean I've forgotten. And that doesn't mean I won't be here if you ever want to come back.

So that's that.

I'm done... and I guess I feel better.
I mean.
It sucks that friendships can just end like this.. like nothing ever mattered... like I never existed. But that's life, as Mr. Frank Sinatra would say...

I might write more about this later.
But there's really not much to it.

life win!!

I twittered:

i think my temporary goal in life is to get myself to nyc this summer..& get @lisawhelchel to tweet at me. lol. :)

THEN SHE SAID:

@luvthekellster Now, just save your money for NYC and have a great time! Tweet. Tweet. From me.

WIN!!!! AHHHHH!!! Seriously. This is one of my all time favorite moments ever.
It needed to be blogged.

& in case you're unaware of the wonder that is Lisa Whelchel.. she played Blair Warner on 'The Facts of Life' (google it, fools) and now she is an author and speaker and awesome person who loves the Lord and represents His love & unending joy in her life.. even on twitter. :)

one brief shining moment

“I won’t call again, I promise, but I need to see you face to face… because I’m never as good as when you’re there…and I can see myself the way you look at me. And I’m sorry. If we could just get together and find some time to talk. Lets say all the things we never said.”
-Almost Famous

This speaks to my soul...

And I wish we could.. just once more..

Sit and look me in the eyes.
And just try.
Tell me what I did to deserve this.
And then I'll tell you...

Let's say all the things
we will never get to say.

Ever
again.

complacent

I am complacent in my self-loathing.
I spend time on stupid things like this and ignore what's really important.
I worry almost constantly about other people but never worry about my relationship with God.
I resist the things I need to do but indulge in the frivilous.
I tell myself to be healthy, I even exercise on occasion, but then I go back inside and eat ice cream... and then I hate myself for it.
I tell myself I am happy where I am but the truth is I am never content.
The present tense is killing me.

The golden days are over.
There is no more time to flit around without a care.
I miss the days of school where I could goof off with friends and still make 'A's, go to the theatre in the afternoon and rehearse or perform or dance or sing with wonderful friends, I could meet people I admired and had every hope that we would be friends forever, I could spend an entire weekend writing and drawing and listening to music, I only got on the computer twice a week to check email and manipulate photos, I had opportunities to learn and didn't have to worry that it would take away from my study time, I grew every day (on the inside) and even if I had a bad day at school or got into an argument with my parents, there would always be someone at the theatre to cheer me up.
Sure I had my moments of grief, periods of pain and trials with low self esteem.

But it always ended quickly.
Because people were there.
People who I knew I could always depend on... But I made mistakes.
The ones I depended on most are the ones who ultimately let me down the most.
And the ones I underestimated are the ones who have gone on to prove that they have really been there for me all along.
So.. where does that leave me?

Well. Here I am.
Everything is under my control now. I can't depend on anyone else to do things for me, but it also seems like I have no control at all. No power to change my own life.
And the people, some of them of course- not all, who I once reffered to as my best friends are seemingly invisible. I have to worry constantly about doing well in school so that I can get into an NYC grad school so that I don't end up living in a cardboard box in Hope Mills.
My resistance to change and denial to grow up is showing itself more and more now that growing has to happen in order for survival.
I try and try every day to make myself satisfied... I think of different ways to occupy myself, just another distraction from the me I don't want to face.

I keep telling myself that I will scrape out of this rut tomorrow.
And tomorrow never comes.

I'm sure it will end eventually.. but when? How?

When I was younger, I knew exactly who I was. I had hope. The world was my oyster.

But here I am smashed in the clostrophobic closet of reality, and let me tell you, it's almost impossible to escape.

all we can do is keep breathing;

The way you held my hand;
the smile that it seemed only I could give you;
the words of wisdom that meant so much coming from you;
your watchful eye;
your interest and concern....
You told me, "Do good," whenever I had a test.
You told me he wasn't worthy of me,
You told me I was destined for great things,
You told me, "I shall miss you."
You said you were proud of me,
when I fell, you picked me up
and when my spirits were low, I knew you could lift them..

You loved me.
And now you don't.

What are you supposed to do when the person you would go to for advice is the one who has betrayed you?

Tears fall so slowly now...

I'm not ready to let go.
I doubt I will ever be.

We are lost..who we were is gone forever.
You lifted me up and shattered me. After all I ever did was lift you up.

“The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, and never explained."

I hate looking back on all this love and seeing it as a lie. I can't stand thinking of you every day, but it happens.

"Not a day goes by, not a single day, but you're somewhere a part of my life and it looks like you'll stay. As the days go by, I keep thinking 'When does it end? Where's the day I'll have started forgetting?' But I just go on thinking and sweating and cursing and crying and turning and reaching and waking and dying; and no, not a day goes by, not a blessed day, but you're still somehow part of my life, and you won't go away. So, there's hell to pay, and until I die, I'll die day after day after day after day after day after day after day..till the days go by."

Every day a little death.

Oh, and the chronic nature of these types of problems sure doesn't help.

Good night.