although there's pain in my chest I still wish you the best;

BLAAAH I have no idea what to do with myself this spring/summer.

Here's the thing.
I am in this wedding that's happening in earlyish June.
And I am spending early early June in NYC with Erin looking at apartments and applying for jobs and whatnot.
Those are definites.

Now, other than that, here are some options:

A) go to another 92Y event in NYC with Stacy London in March (which would be a quick, 1-2 night trip)
B) go to this gala thing in May to see Stacy London (which would be an equally short trip, but more expensive than the former)
C) do neither of the above and go throughout Europe this summer
D) maybe do option A & visit the UK this summer
E) do neither A or B & visit the UK this summer
F) do none of the above and work at Chapel Hill Panera this summer, while paying rent & living up there in June & July
G) not pay rent, maybe do one trip, live at home this summer & work at Fayetteville Panera

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.
At this moment, I am actually leaning towards doing A or B, and saving Europe for when I am more financially stable, and living at home this summer & working.
PEOPLE, PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR OPINIONS ON ALL THIS. I suck at making decisions.

slip away to a day that'll never come;

Goals for 2011:
-be strong & motivated, and not disappoint myself
-If I make mistakes, don't beat myself up, but don't make excuses either! Get my shit together and make the next day count.
-start working out again.. if I feel like it. lol
-go to Europe
-Move to NYC
-channel the moxie of Rory Gilmore as I throw down with some professors and GET INTO THAT FLIPPIN CLASS I NEED TO GRADUATE
-graduate
-become a trainer at work
-get a real job when I move that I really like
-carry a book everywhere I go in case I get bored
-never let things hold me back- take risks & live to the fullest

UNC to do list:
-go out with Ewin on a semi-regular basis
-go stargazing in Kenan Stadium
-play in the fountain again
-throw a party
-go see Rocky Horror with Sarai
-hang out on campus more often
-go see a career services person
-make the most of every day :)

NYC to do list:
-work in an office type situation and dress fiercely every day
-go ice skating at Rockefeller Center
-watch the ball drop on New Years from a window above Times Square
-never need to go to Starbucks because I can make my own lattes & cappuccinos at home! :)
-make my feet more accustom to wearing heels, and wear them all the time
-start cooking again
-shop at Zabars
-spend an entire day shopping for amazing clothes & shoes
-have a coffee table with giant books on it for guests to pa-rouse
-go see shows ALL the time
-reinstate my 'Will & Grace'-esque relationship with Jacob
-find a really beautiful, old fashioned church to attend REGULARLY
-visit Coney Island
...there are more, but that's all for now :)

i just wanted to see what it would be like;

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

— Neil Gaiman

i dream days away but thats ok;

I never thought I would be feeling like this about something I thought was so unbreakable at one time. I don't know what to say or do anymore. Apparently what we had is gone and broken and it feels so wasted and I have no idea what to do about it.
We are scattered and divided and our collective heart is torn in two.
I have to just face the reality of this and grow up and go it alone. I have a life to lead. I can find others. I am strong and I can deal with this and I don't need you. I can't let myself need you.

no i can't take one more step towards you;

I know this is like.. totally immature of me
but I really want to just scream and yell and cry and curse
until it gets through your thick skull how I actually feel.

You make me feel like crap.
And worse, you make me feel like I never really knew you
and don't want to try.

Next time, the screening process will be more thorough.

i learned to live half a life & now you want me one more time;

My passion for theatre is waning. I mean, not REALLY, but for some reason I feel less enthused about participating in theatrical ventures. I feel like its a job now. An obligation. And I hate things like that, thus the waning passion.
Additionally, my life sucks because all I do is go to class & go to work.. and stuff. And I am DYYYINGGG to go to Europe and actually experience what its like to BE in Europe for real, not just as a tourist. So I am trying to get an internship in London this summer. There are several different programs I could do, but they're all super expensive.. So at this moment the ideal thing would be to find someone I can stay with in London and then get some sort of permit to work overseas..? I know nothing about such procedures, or if that's even possible without being in some internship placement program, but I'll look into it.
SPEAKING OF such things though, I have decided I would love to do fashion PR. This seems like a perfect thing for me since obvs I didn't go to school for fashion, so I'd never be able to get a real fashion job, and I kinda am studying PR. So yeah. Also I love fashion. So some such job like that would be great.

In other news, I am kind of a loner lately, which is fine but weird. And on top of such, I am totally over it with like.. people. Some of them. As I've said before- I will not chase after you and bend my interests to suit you. Come find me if you're interested. Otherwise, its whatevs. I am done dealing with people who can think of nothing but themselves.

ALSO I went to Carrburritos with Taylor today and it was DELISH. About the same price as Qdoba AND the burritos come w/ chips and salsa, ANDDD they have DIET dr pepper. This place might be my new favorite. :) It was also pretty awesome because Taylor & I basically never hang out anymore. So yay bonding time. :D

Anyway. That's really all. Except for my car is like.. dying. And I am going shopping tomorrow. The end.

shut up & let me go;

It really REALLY pisses me off when people don't respect the fact that I have a job. Which pays me. Which I do ON TOP OF SCHOOL and theatre shit.

I am so over it.

I just want this stupid week to be over.