& I'm caught in between;

My life continues to be an endless roller coaster of ridiculum.

The apartment we THOUGHT we were going to definitely get is not done being renovated... and APPARENTLY it is not going to be done by Oct 1.. So I called some management dude about it who has yet to get back to me, and then today we went to look at yet another apartment, under the same management company. The location is not great.. still going to be an hour commute to where I work now.. but the apartment itself is very nice on the inside and cheaper.. but there is a broker fee.

BUT I guess we are just going to pay it.

I certainly hope that this is the last frazzled apartment related blog entry I write.

As a sidenote, I really appreciate the fact that Rachel & Kurt on Glee got a loft in Bushwick off the J train.. one giant room for $1800 a month. BECAUSE IT IS REALISTIC. I am so glad that one tv show (ironically the LEAST realistic tv show ever) is showing the fact that living in a place in NYC is really really difficult. Thank you, Ryan Murphy.

My job is pretty much good though! haha. Its super chill and kind of boring right now because all it really is is phone calls..  but its cool to be a part of it. And I am actually really excited for Making Strides! Its definitely going to be a ton of work, overtime ALL week before it, then work all weekend and back to work Monday.. but I think it'll be worth it. And its only one weekend.

AND ERIN COMES ON THE 22ND.

ONLY FOR A NIGHT THOUGH.

BUT SHE IS GOING TO BE AMERICAN AGAIN.

..

I was thinking today about how much easier it would have been to sign a lease on that Sugar Hill apartment I looked at with Heather & Tyler back in May.. but my life here would be so much different if I had done that! Job wise- I would be the same I think.. but like.. if I had never taken this sublet, I never would have been searching for another one.. and I never would have met Jenn!! And life would just be different.
She is such an amazing person and I am so grateful to know her. I love it when I just click with people immediately and she is definitely one of them.
I just feel bad that I have no one else to hang out with so I always bother her when I get bored and need a buddy.. 

I am hungry and it is nearing 2am and I have to clean this room and go to sleep.

& back to your life;

WELL WELL WELL. Something good finally happened. The dumbass management company for the apartment (which is technically in 'Central Harlem', not Hamilton Heights as I had originally labeled it) has FINALLY APPROVED US. This is the building that we originally wanted, where we all have a bedroom with a closet, and there is an elevator, and we are right off the 3 train and just a few blocks from the A train!! HOLLER.

This is going to be good news bears. Saturday we get to go look at the actual unit we will be living in.. the one we applied for got taken before our application went in but.. they really are all pretty much the exact same so its all good. I am just happy that I will have a place to live and will not be homeless.

I am also pretty stoked about my wall decor. I have one wall mentally planned out already. :) AND I maybe want to get Christmas lights to put on my wall that are over my bead, kind of as an alternative to getting a reading lamp. We shall see.

The only downside to this is that we probably won't get to move in until the very end of the month.. but whatever. My current roommates are cool with me hanging here till then, and I guess it'll give me more time to get bedroom related items such as a bed. lol.

Also! Now that this is all set, I will hopefully have more time to focus solely on getting a new job. I honestly don't know how much longer I can deal with this temp job.. I feel like my brain is melting. Its just... GUH. Ridiculous. Sooo yeah.

I really need a new job.

That's really all that's happening. I am pretty pleased that its structured jacket/scarf weather. Going to look for boots this weekend I think. :)

I think I've had enough of this;

Sometimes I really wish Stacy London would just materialize in front of me and give me a hug.

I really need someone here who GETS me. Like.. someone who knows that after an exceptionally shitty day, I might need a hug, or at least someone to ride the train with and vent.. something.

Basically the apartment situation gets worse by the day. I cannot deal with living here much longer.. its just miserable because my roommates are very inconsiderate and I feel SO awkward around them. My room is literally a SAUNA. We NEVER have hot water. The neighborhood is SO trashy.. as in like.. there is literally trash all over the damn place. Why. I just need to get out of here and have my own space, for sanity's sake.

The options are as follows:

A) An apartment in the Upper East Side area which we think is a misrepresentation of what it actually is.. like.. it HAS to be more expensive than they say. Also the landlord I've been dealing with is a huge fool and SUCKS at responding to texts/calls.

B) Sunset Park, Brooklyn. This is in a brownstone, where we'd be directly above the landlord (& family). Its an odd layout, but good price and available immediately. Neither of my future roommates like it... but I would be fine with it. I have no problem with being a little quieter (or rather, more conscious of the noise I might make) if it gives me somewhere to live.. as opposed to homeless.

C) Hamilton Heights, with the management company from HELL who has now kicked our application back to us three times. I wouldn't trust those people if their tongues came notarized, frankly, and even if they do at some point approve the application, we probably won't be able to move in until Oct. 1.

D) Live on the street.

Not a huge fan of any of those, tbh.

I have no idea what's going to happen with it all but.. I am just literally so incredibly fucking over it I cannot even explain.

If I could do this whole process over again, I would go about it VERY differently.. I'll say no more.

And thennnn there is the constant JOB issue.

Mother of God.

I am SO ready/eager/anxious/fighting tooth & nail to have both a place to live and a job that I at least remotely like. That is all I fucking want and I do not understand why its so hard to get.

I interviewed for this job the other day that I am DYYYINNGGG to get.. but I don't think I did because they literally wanted someone to start Monday and it is currently Sunday at 12:55am and I have heard nothing.

Its just so frustrating to KNOW that you are capable of things but be denied opportunity after opportunity.. I just hate this.

My biggest fear right now is that this is as good as it'll ever get.

--------------------------

White knuckles & sweaty palms from hanging on too tight.

Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight..

Trying to hold, trying to hold, but

There's nothing to grab so I let go..

I think I've finally had enough

I think I maybe think too much

I think this might be it for us.

...

My head is spinning so

blow me one last kiss.

Just when it can't get worse

I've had a shit day

You've had a shit day

We've had a shit day

I think that life's too short for this

want back my ignorance & bliss

I think I've had enough of this

Blow me one last kiss.

-Pink

------------------------------------------------

In other, happier news, I finished reading Stacy London's book 'The Truth About Style' yesterday at 4am. It was SO SO GOOD. So good that I got sad when there were no more pages to read. It was humorous yet very eloquent, and inspiring, but in a legitimately tangible way.

I won't give away too much, but Stacy is so sweetly candid about her own experiences, which all speak volumes about why she is who she is. Each of the 9 women featured has a unique issue with style (and life!) , and Stacy's ability to understand those issues immediately and tackle them head on is something that will never cease to amaze me. She really does see peoples' potential, and is able to bring out the best in them!

The book was wonderful. I highly recommend it. And I am thrilled to have gotten to read it before it comes out!! :)

perfect to me;

SO TONIGHT WAS FNO. It was awesome. Stacy was to be arriving at New York & Company at 6, and when I got there at 5:15 there was already a line around the corner. Luckily though I was in the first 100, so after finally going in at about 5 after 6, I was handed my free copy of Stacy's new book- The Truth About Style.. ONE MONTH before it gets officially released. SO awesome.

At the beginning Stacy was talking to some people in the back of the store, and as she walked towards the front she had her back to me, but I squeezed her arm (in a friendly way) and she turned around and goes "Oh my God Kelley HI!!" and gave me a HUGE hug. She said, "You look great!" (with this hilariously subtle tone of surprise.. I think it was because my makeup was way more prominent than she's ever seen on me.. it was good makeup though) I of course thanked her and then she said, "How are you?" which I know was a bigger question than it seemed, because she said it in a way that was just so.. Stacy..like it was this air of concern.. and I just said, "Good.. really good."

She spent some time kind of mingling around the store and talking about the trends this season and such.. just basically being adorable and telling random people YOU would look great in this, etc. It was basically to just market some of the products there, obvs. It was so fun and entertaining!

Also I should mention that at one point the song F-ck You came on and she started mouthing and dancing and goes, "I wanna be on Glee!" lol. LOVE her.

Then Stacy sat in the little area reserved for picture taking and I waited in another long line, finally got up there and got my book signed and took a couple pictures with Stacy & my new friend Heidi from twitter!! I handed Stacy her incredibly belated birthday gift, which was basically this photo album which I converted into a "Stace-book"(lol) and on like.. the first half of the pages I would highlight one thing Stacy has given/taught me (like style, confidence, etc) and then the second half was one of Stacy's qualities that I admire per page (like sunshine-y.. haha). In the gift bag was also a necklace that I got for her from Poland, as well as a very verbose letter I wrote just the other day. :) She said, "You nut- what are you doing getting me things?!" hahahaa. LUHH HER. I handed the gift off to Kasey- the assistant. I met Kasey in April but I don't think she remembered me.

ANYWAY.

THEN this guy in charge was like telling us that if you try on an outfit then you could show it to Stacy and let her comment/fix/style you basically!! So I grabbed this blue & black color-blocked dress which I did like, but just wanted to be STYLED OMG. After trying it on, Stacy said "I don't like the way it cuts you here" motioning to like right below my shoulders where the black ended and blue began. She walked over and grabbed another dress- a super soft sweater dress that came with a thin black belt. "You're not leaving till it works," Stacy said, and I love that. The one she grabbed (at random) was an extra small (lol) so I of course had to go grab my size.. which is apparently a MEDIUM. (I was kind of amazed because most always I just grab a large at any given store- I just assume I am always 'large.')

So I put that on, showed it to Stacy. She did that thing where she points up and down and said, "Love that!" I said, "Its good?" and then motioned to my midsection, "I feel uncomfortable" .. You see, this dress was kind of loose and blousy at the neck and then SUPER tight from belly button down. My ass and hips and tummy were making me feel QUITE exposed. She said that the solution would be a wider belt, and pointed out the fact that the one the dress came with was actually too big for me! She also suggested an ankle boot, so then I was escorted upstairs by a staff member, tried on kickass black ankle boots, and then escorted back downstairs where another staff member had gotten the perfect belt just for me!! They were all SO sweet and attentive! I felt like such a princess!! :D

So I showed Stacy the final result and she loved it. We took a picture or two and she of course asked, "How do you feel?" and I said of course that I loved it. Then she was like, "There's a pink cocktail dress over there that is SICK that I'd love to see you in" So THEN she had someone get it for me(!) and I was told to go back to the fitting room and wait. So yes. I was delivered the dress.. in a size 10 that I requested, only to discover yet again that something was too big for me(!!!!) so then I was delivered a size 8 by a salesperson. That one fit much better. Oh and I also left on the ankle boots, which Stacy had instructed me to do.

Went out to present it to Stacy and she said, "I think I may like this even better than the blue!" And I agreed. Then she was saying that because I have small shoulders (MY SUSPICION ABOUT HAVING SMALL SHOULDERS HAS FINALLY BEEN CONFIRMED LADIES AND GENTS. I KNEW IT.), I have to take things up in the shoulder, so that the waistline and such will fit higher on me, at my exact natural waist. So then she pinned one shoulder up while the people around me said things like "You look wonderful!" or "I love that dress!" ... It was like wtf holy crap everyone is complimenting me and I FELT SO FREAKING AWESOME YOU GUYS. I honestly have not felt that good about myself/my body in a really long time, so that was seriously incredible. Kasey, Stacy's gorgeous assistant, pinned up the other shoulder.

After that I put back on my actual clothing, bought the pink dress (which.. how could I not have after they pinned it so perfectly?) and then Heidi and I were going to attempt to tell Stacy goodbye, but she was quite busy with other people so we just peaced out.

It was such a wonderful evening. Stacy makes me feel like a fucking princess. Like a fierce hot tamale. Like a human worthy of my dreams. She is just perfect, and I cannot thank her enough for how much she has done for me. :)

----

And of course, a HUGE shoutout to the New York and Company employees, who were ALL incredibly helpful, kind, and courteous.

you go on & I'll be happier;

Well hello. Thanks to some intense searching and meeting with approximately one million realtors (out of which only about 2% were NOT fools), I am pretty sure that I am not going to be homeless.

The roommates and I are down to 2 apartment options, and God-willing, we will know by this weekend which place is the final answer.

There are really pros and cons to both, but I just hope that no matter what, we all enjoy living there.

I am incredibly stoked to actually get to live with people I LIKE again.. Goodness. It will be wonderful to have my OWN space with my OWN things and be in a situation where I don't feel awkward walking through the kitchen pants-less while another roommate is in there. I mean, good Lord. My roommates will be Jenn and Rachel. Rachel I have only interacted with via facebook messages, but she seems very sweet, open, nice.. creative. Lovely, basically. And Jenn is like omg so precious. She and I clicked incredibly quickly, and she is the perfect thoughtful balance to my chaotic, dive-in-without-thinking personality. I think we will be good at being roommates. ALSO we watch like all the same tv shows and both play the ukulele... yeah dude this is going to kick ass.

I am getting really REALLY burnt out by this job search process. I mean, goodness. I am definitely qualified for more things than what I am doing- for SURE- but like.. the whole process of applying for anything and everything and gh8erhsh[eh[[ho I JUST AM OVER IT. I just want a slightly better job than I presently have. I have been working my ass off for it. Why is it not working.

Other than that, my other whims such as the possibility of returning to Europe and/or the possibility of moving to California and/or the possibility of getting a cat or a small dog are on hold.

I really just want to chill out for a hot second and eat Chinese food in an apartment I like with a roommate I love and wake up every morning and go to a job I don't hate.

Is that really too much to ask?!

Here's a random thing I have been thinking about based on a post my bff Jamie made on her blog.

(I hope she doesn't care that I've mentioned her here.) But anyway it was a post about like.. how much cool (and some not cool) stuff that has happened in the past 5 years and the things she has accomplished, etc.

And I think that's fabulous.

I wish I could do that.

I wish I could look back and say, "Hey- look how far I've come. Look at what I've accomplished."

But I cannot do that.

Literally if someone were to ask what accomplishment are you most proud of I would have no answer. I feel like I have done NOTHING with my life. AT ALL.

Like, I realize its silly to say that because I have done THINGS but like.. I don't see ANY of it as great or even above average. Everything I "accomplish" is something that I do because I don't see the other option. Like.. for example: there is no option but to graduate college. Failure was not an option.

There is no option to move back to NC because I would feel like a FAILURE. I have to make my life here in NYC.

Etc.

Basically the motto in my head is always "there is no choice but to press on" and that is basically how I have seen every choice I've ever made and every "accomplishment" I've had.

That's all.

TOMORROW IS FASHION'S NIGHT OUT WHICH I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO ATTEND FOR LIKE THREE YEARS I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE STACY YOU GUYS.

I WILL CERTAINLY MAKE A POST ABOUT IT.

before we turn to stone;

Guess the fuck what.

The management company we are dealing with for this apartment we applied for is a bunch of STRAIGHT UP IDIOTS so they keep sending back the paperwork (its been a huge back & forth thing) and asking us for stuff we have ALREADY SENT.

Sweet Lord.

SO now we don't get to move until like mid-month.

I am so over it.

Luckily though, Tara has offered to let me stay with her & Samantha in Astoria.. and I just found out today that my roommates here are staying for another month so I can stay here if I want to as well!!

Meanwhile, I have been on an online tirade looking for any and all apartments which fit our budget requirements and am trying to make appointments to see ALL of them.

The plan is to go see three or 4 tomorrow, and MY hope is that we love one of them and put some money on it immediately and get it off the market so we can move in next weekend. This is best case scenario however.

Otherwise, we are stuck with the management company from hell and will probably end up in the most shitty apartment they have.

I am also still on this fucking find a new job quest.. Got an interview scheduled for Thursday, internship possibility, and working on finding some babysitting/nanny work that would allow me to do said internship if I get it. GUHHH.

In other news, I am obsessed with makeup lately. I LOVE going to Sephora and trying out random products and such.. and now have some favorite brands/products that I would really like to get... I might do that this weekend actually. And my obsession has been compounded thanks to this adorable girl on youtube: taliajoy18. LOOK HER UP IMMEDIATELY. She is fighting 2 types of cancer and she is only 13, and she is so delightful, wise beyond her years, and a complete PRO when it comes to makeup. Seriously.

I am also super looking forward to this coming Thursday night- Fashion's Night Out!! I GET TO SEE STACY YOU GUYS. Hopefully it will not be insanely crowded. And I have been holding off on buying clothing so I can get a couple things that night. :) JUST A COUPLE though because holy hell bedding and mattresses and bedroom shit is SO expensive.

I am sleeepy. More words later.