if i were magellan;

WELL. I am pretty glad that I didn't pay for bartending school yet. I got a call today about having an interview early next week HOLLER so in a matter of about 5 minutes my life went from bleak and hopeless to a bag of insanity. Tomorrow I am spending the day in Wilmington. Saturday is Catherine's wedding reception. Sunday I have to get up before dawn, drive to Carrboro, drop off my car, then get dropped off by Samantha at the bus station.. Bus will get to Manhattan like around 10pm. Monday my interview is scheduled. Interview will happen Tuesday or Wednesday, and I am also going to attempt to get one or 2 more interviews (even if they're just for part time jobs). I return to NC probably Friday evening, someone yet to be determined will pick me up and take me to get my car, and then I will drive back here. Then next Saturday is Jamie's bridal shower. GOOD LORD people. CRAZY WEEK AHEAD. LET'S GET THIS ROLLING. :D

stuck on this same song;

My life has morphed from an awesome traveling adventure into a sad, pathetic game of sitting around in my parents' house checking my email every 5 minutes hoping beyond hope to hear back about a job.. ANY JOB. This is no longer cute. I am strongly considering doing bartending school next week, but just my luck I'll pay the money to do it and then like one day of it will happen and THEN someone will want me to come in for an interview. Idk yo. I might just do it and be like WELL I AM STUCK IN NC. I was originally considering just going up to NYC for a week to do bartending school there, just so I'd be there if indeed an interview were to present itself... but its a LOT more expensive up there, and I cannot afford it so. Yeah. I guess if I miss a day or 2 of it I could make it up.. I don't see why that would be an issue.. But in either case. I am not sure what to do. I just really need some sort of activity to take up the time in between my incessant email checking ... I am working on a crafty project and trying to make myself play the ukulele but I just get so preoccupied/overwhelmed and feel like I HAVE TO BE DOING SOMETHING THAT IS LEGITIMATELY PRODUCTIVE TO MY FUTURE AT ALL TIMES and yeah. I am going mad. Ever since I got back from Europe I am unable to sit still. I did get very generously recommended to this non-profit which I would LOVE to work at, but it turned out that they have no openings, which is a bit disappointing but understandable of course. So then my name was passed along to this other organization which I would be THRILLED to work at.. and since this is pretty much my only full time option left on the table, I am very anxious to hear from them and see what happens. And this may have been uncouth of me but I emailed them yesterday just to be like heyyyyy so I think you guys received my name & resume and uhh I was just wondering what was up with that and wanted to express my enthusiasm for your organization and the possibility of working here. It was in better words than that of course.. (Was that uncouth of me??) I mean, I was told several days ago that they'd be contacting me.. and frankly I am just ANXIOUS and need to know what is happening. I wasn't even sure where to send the email though so like, who knows if the correct person is going to get it. Maybe I'll try to buy pants today. I do need some nice pants and a pencil skirt or 2. "Dress for the job you want," as Stacy would say. I have gone ahead and applied for lots of part time jobs like waitressing and retail and the like. And I have 2 potential interviews.. one is on STATEN ISLAND though and that is just ridiculous. The other is a retail store in Manhattan... but of course the job is part time. I have done lots of math to try & figure out if I could survive on something like that at 40 hours a week with bartending like 10 hours a week.. and I cannot. I would need to bartend like 20 hours a week and be like some sort of junior manager or shift supervisor or something in order to have enough money to live. Or I suppose I could just bartend like 40 hours a week. That might work out. BUT HONESTLY I just want this thing I was recommended for to work out because I WANT IT and I have PASSION and it would be KICKASS even if all I do is answer phones and file papers all day. So basically, my life is a jumble of ridiculum right now. I hope this phase is over soon. =/ I just want a job, an apartment, a stable life, and a scruffy dog. Why are these things so hard to get?

gotta get out of here;

(Yesterday was my 500th blog post holler.)

These are the things that need to happen:
1. I need to get a job
2. I need to get a place to live in NYC
3. I need to get myself and all my belongings to NYC somehow, and I need to find someone to help me move in
4. apparently I have to buy a mattress and bed frame and have it delivered to my apartment, wherever that may be
5. I want to get a scruffy little dog

I am going crazy with nothing to do.. I've been applying for jobs and organizing my belongings and looking at apartments and mattresses and bed frames and dogs online and I JUST REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE and get my life started.
I am losing it.
Its like there is so much I have to do and figure out but I can't really do anything concrete without HAVING A JOB.

I cannot deal with this.

dwell in possibility;

I am at the point now where I just need to dive in and make this New York thing happen no matter what job I get. Today, I've applied to LOTS of different retail & waitressing jobs, and hopefully those are things I might hear back about faster and be more easily able to get based on my experience in both food service & retail.. I don't care if I have to get 2 jobs. I just need this to happen.

I don't know if I'll be living alone or with people or what is happening with that, but if they beat me there or if I beat them there then I guess I will live alone and that will be fine with me. I just want to BE THERE.

I also found this ADORABLE studio which I could potentially afford in Brooklyn (as well as other options) so again, if I live alone at least I know of the type of things I could get.

Also, if I live alone, I might get a small dog so that I will feel a bit safer.. I get freaked out at the slightest noises when I am by myself. lol.

Anyway, I am determined to get this shit together so I can start my real grown-up life.

As Stacy would say, I am trying to "dwell in possibility."
Even if I ALWAYS have to claw my way out of a wooden crate to make things happen for myself, I can do that. This is going to happen.

...now I just need a job so I can figure out *when* ...

& its been all over you;

I feel pretty good about life right now.
I still don't have a job, obviously. That would just be TOO convenient. BUT despite that I am happy right now and loving existing.
This may have something to do with the fact that I saw Stacy London on Wednesday and might get to meet Mariska Hargitay tomorrow and am LOVING NYC and get to hang out with Jamie & Cherie on Friday and get to see the Panera family on Tuesday...

BUT. Nevertheless, I am pleased and basically in a state of *squee* .. :)

I am sure reality will set in once I am sitting on my ass in Fayetteville with no job but.. yeah. For now, I am riding high and loving it.

This is also because frankly, I am dressing better lately. I ALWAYS feel kickass when I am dressed well. My inner Stacy London has been rejuvenated. :)

Speaking of Stacy the love of my life London.. her birthday is in a little over a month and I really need to think of something cool to do for her. She deserves something kickass.. especially since I haven't ever done anything for her birthday before!
(This is me having a fangirl moment.)

Yeah so I am pretty mentally scattered right now. OH HEY ALSO I am pretty determined to finally dye my hair sometime soon... I really want to go auburn-ish but I am going to have to get it done at a haridresser because something will have to be done about my eyebrows as well..

Hopefully I can get an appointment within the next couple weeks. :) Once its been dyed once, I will probably just do it at home in the future.. I just need professional help since I am a complete chicken when it comes to things like this.

That is really all that's happening.

"Dwell in possibility." -Stacy London
(that's what I am trying to do)
:)

sharpen the pencil;

Applying for jobs makes me feel inferior to the entire human race and I hate it so so much. I hate how hard it is to just get hired somewhere. Because I KNOW that I will work my ass off no matter where I work and I know that I deserve to be employed but I hate how like.. just ridiculous it is trying to find anything.
I am very distraught about it all and I just want to be hired so I can stop worrying for a little while.

And I am also pissed at everyone I know who never has to work for anything and gets everything they want.
Sometimes I wish life were fair.

Despite the fact that this bad mood is constantly looming in the back of my mind, I am really enjoying NYC.. it is good to be back here, even though I am living moment to moment and have no idea how long I'm staying or anything and that in itself is very stressful.

Anyway.

I was going to write about more positive things. I am finding elements of my personality which kind of faded away in the past year or so which are floating back up to the surface of who I am and I like it. One of which being more confident in my appearance and dressing to fit that confidence. I ALWAYS feel better when I dress better, and then I feel more confident. And I like that.

Also side note I went to an event that Stacy London spoke at last night!! :D I literally found out about the event like 5 hours before it was going to happen and OMG I got so stoked when I did because lo and behold I was in Manhattan. It was amazing to see her again- she sat right in front of me and she smelled really good (yes I am a creeper but give me a break the scent was radiating off her JEEZ) and she gave me a hug and asked me about my life and OMG I LOVE HER.
It baffles me how she seems to give more shits about me than the majority of my friends seem to.

ANYWAY. Yeah. I am a bag of mixed emotions. This was going to be a more quality post but.. it isn't.
Also she lightened her hair a bit and I really like it.

you make me sing;

I need to discuss, yet again, how much I love and adore Stacy London. She is incredible, and just when you don't expect it, she is there, and she brightens my day like no one else can.
Yesterday I randomly tweeted that its about time for me to get a new picture with her.. and she responded "Love your new pic and love your quote. Hope you are doing well!" Ok. This means A) she notices my twitter pictures & when they change, B) she WENT to my page before responding and read the quote on there.. and C) she gives a shit.
She is made of magic. And she has shared so much of her wisdom with me- DIRECTLY with me- and it has changed my life for the better. And in turn, I have shared that wisdom with others.

Stacy came to me (through me watching endless hours of What Not to Wear) at a point in my life when I was feeling pretty much like shit. I had just gone through a weird ambiguous yet huge and hurtful thing and I wasn't sure where to turn or who would be able to understand. I didn't know of my self worth or my potential at all, and needless to say, I had no personal style.

And then Stacy London happened. And then I met her that October, right before I turned 21. And she made me feel SO special and amazing and she told me I could change my life, and I believe her. Those words have stuck with me like no other, and that sentence goes through my head ALL the time. I can change my life. And I have tried to live by those words, and because of them I have become more independent, self reliant, bolder, and more willing to go after what I want and stand up for what I believe in. She gave me a newfound confidence, which has gotten me through the struggles I've had since, and somehow just watching something.. anything.. with her in it lifts my spirits so much and helps me realize how worth it I am, and how I should never give up.

Stacy has struggled in her life. She has been through some rough times, and I have struggled in some very similar ways to her. I relate to her on a personal level, and it means a lot to me that she is so completely sincere and genuine in all ways. She is so real, so present. I admire her SO much, and I hope to be as inspirational and bright and free and beautiful as she is.

I know that people who know me will think this is repetitive, because, frankly, I talk about this rather often. But my adoration for Stacy is something that grows every time she tweets at me, every time I read a quote from her or see a picture of her or see an interview with her. She was the person who REALLY made me into who I am today, and represents a lot of what I want to be.

I will always owe her a lot, because she literally was the sunlight that made me blossom, and that is a priceless thing.

:) I have more to say.. about real life and the fact that I am very nervous for the future and I am coming home SO SOON.. but we will get to that later.

starships were meant to fly;

So I am at this hostel in Galway now.. I guess I am glad to be getting the hostel experience. Although, its a lot cooler to stay with real people who live in the places you're visiting while traveling. It just helps me get a better idea of what it is actually like to live in the place, and I have enjoyed that.
Nevertheless, here I am for the weekend. Its a nice hostel though.. I am in a common room and it is SO LOUD in here right now..
Also I like Galway so far. It is smaller and cleaner and much easier to navigate than Dublin, and I like it a lot better. I was not entirely impressed by Dublin, to be honest. I was SO looking forward to it because everyone seems to love it.. but from the get go I was pretty turned off by it for some reason. Don't get me wrong- I LIKED it, I just didn't love it.
I LOVED London, Edinburgh was stunning, Paris was incredible, Warsaw was impressive, Gdansk was like walking through a history book and Sopot was so peaceful... but Dublin to me was just not amazing!! And I am sad to say that, but its how I feel.

Anyway.
On to other things.
STILL for forever and always freaking out about this job search. But I cannot and will not give up until SOMETHING works out. I am also willing at this point to start looking at possible opportunities outside of NYC, no matter how much I want to live in NYC.. NOT NC THOUGH. Maybe California or the Miami area to start.. other places in the northeast.. We shall see.

I am just really looking forward to starting a more stable chapter of my life. I want to live in one place for more than 10 months and get a pet for God's sake and just live a normal life. I am getting really tired of only having myself to rely on. And this is not just about me being in Europe- this was going on long before this even began. This started senior year when I was working my ass off all the time and had no time for a social life. And then over the summer I had Erin living with me which was cool but frankly didn't last too long.. and then I was REALLY alone when I was working every day at crazy o'clock and hung out with no one but the internet in my free time. I miss companionship, and I have missed it for a long time. Maybe (hopefully) if I actually LIVE somewhere and make a life for myself, I can get back to having friends. That would be nice.

I have other things to say but LORD KNOWS I cannot focus right now because I am in this room with lots of people who are insanely loud and singing and STINKY FEET ARE NEAR ME sweet Lord ... oh and I am on my period so this is just totally an ideal scenario for all involved. -__-

set yourself to music;

I was a kickass tourist today. I went ALL over Dublin.. My favorite part was the National Gallery, for sure.
There was a Van Gogh:

Its called Rooftops in Paris..

And a Picasso called "Still Life with a Mandolin":


And my new favorite painting, for reals, Jack Yeats' Grief:

Its SO much more vibrant in person. Like.. you could see the emotion in the brush strokes. It was so cool. The painting is about how much he hates war and you could definitely see that.. it was awesomeeeee.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. :)

but not really silent;

Ok so I have moved on to Ireland! haha. I am apparently in a new country every time I post something lately. Dublin is my current location. And it is the city where I have managed to find a dress for Jamie's wedding AT LONG LAST. Holler. I have been looking for a dress since JANUARY and now I have finally gotten one.
I also went to the Irish Museum of Modern Art today.. I was excited because I thought it was going to be well.. interesting.. (like the MoMA in NYC which I adore) but most of it was under renovation so the only part that was open was the photography part.. and yeah it was super boring. Free admission, which is good. I would be pissed if I had paid to see that stuff. Especially with how far it is from the city center.. it is literally near NOTHING.
I did go to a pretty legit pub though and though I didn't get beer (every beer I have ever had has smelled like stomach acid tasted like ..grossness to me so.. I have no desire to continue my experiences with it) I DID get an enormous burger & fries which was SO tasty. Annnd I went to a milkshake bar and went to a LOT of clothing stores (there are a lot of kickass places to shop here but its pretty expensive) and some monument and a cool church and the Dublin Castle.. basically just all over the city center. I was running rather low on steam today though because out of nowhere it was super cold and rainy and on top of that my stomach was feeling gross so. Yeah. But hopefully I will make up for it tomorrow and go at twice my normal touristing speed.

In other news, I have definitely lost my motivation for these flipping job applications. I mean, there are still well over 200 who I **COULD** still hear back from, but who knows. I just really want something to work out. ANYTHING that pays enough to live off, and from there I will at least have something more on my resume so I can move on.
Right now it just sucks because as of one week from today when I get back to the US, I will have no life. What I want within the next few months is to make a life for myself and become a LEGIT grownup. I just want a normal life, really. And a FULL TIME job.
Buh.

Anyway, I guess I should sleep soon so I can wake up at a decent hour.