I guess I should explain, post-emo mood, how I operate and whatnot, because I think I owe it to some amazing people who were magically able to deal with me throughout it.
First of all, if I am feeling emo, I normally do not just offer up why I am feeling emo unless asked. That is because I am afraid of boring people (and, ok, so, as an ENFJ I used to always listen to other people's problems and then basically carry burdens for them and feel like it was my responsibility to fix the problem, so when anyone confided in me I would get REALLY over-emotionally-involved in their problems and then I would be emo about things that weren't even my things to be emo about. SO THUS I hesitate to share my problems with people because I don't want them to feel the way I used to)... BUT, if someone does say 'HEY WHAT'S WRONG?!' THEN I will probably at least try to explain what's going on, or perhaps I will just express that I am in a bad mood and I don't want to talk about it. In either case, it means a lot to me when people ask me what's wrong and show they care rather than just wondering it or pretending nothing is wrong.
However, as I am a stupid mofo a lot of the time, sometimes I just need to be left in a bad mood for a while before I can escape from it.
ANYWAY, what I am trying to get at here are the reasons behind why I go emo at times. Basically, to give you the back story (which I respect anyone who has the patience to read), I have had several friends in my life who I have been REALLY close to and told everything to who have basically just disappeared from my life with no explanation, thus temporarily ruining my ability to trust people... so NOW no matter who you are, if you are my friend, I will at at least one point in our friendship, be terrified that you will abandon me. Its just how I operate now, unfortunately.
So at the slightest things I can immediately start feeling left out or ignored, or like I might soon be abandoned.. because it HAS happened before. SO ANYWAY, when whatever happens that triggers these feelings, I immediately go into this mode where I put walls up around myself so that nothing affects me and I don't let anyone in. And then I just keep imagining all these scenarios that I believe are true where I am being hatefully scorned by people I dearly love and it hurts like hell, and the reason it hurts so much (even if it is not true at all, which in the most recent case it clearly was irrational on my part) is because it has happened to me before, and
now thanks to those instances it feels like my greatest fear (losing people I love) is being realized.
Basically, what I am trying to say here is- sometimes I get really irrational, paranoid feelings about my friends because I am a ridiculous mofo, and your choice is to either let me get over it, ask me about it, or distract me with wonderful things like my 2 favorite doctors- DR PEPPER AND DOCTOR WHO- and thereby cheer me up.
On that note, I would like to extend a MAJOR thank you to Sarai and Erin Ruth Maness, who are ridiculously awesome and were able to distract me and thereby cheer me up with JUST THOSE THINGS!! :D
I owe them big for putting up with me in my stupid state.
As a matter of fact, I would say that I owe them participation in an activity I discovered when I googled "things to do when you're bored", which is to write out 20 things you love about a friend and then share it with them. :D
I SHALL BEGIN THAT NOW.
And, as a general motto, I tell my friends that if I cannot deal with them at their worst then I do not deserve them at their best, so I welcome any emo rants from them that may need to happen in the future.
(PS SARAI WITH AN I YOU ARE GORGEOUS SO GET OVER IT AND ENJOY YOUR BEAUTY. PEOPLE ENVY YOUR BODY TYPE AND HAIR COLOR AND EYE COLOR AND FACE. NEVER DENY YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW AND LOVE YOUR OWN TRUE BEAUTY.)
*contented sigh*
To close,
I love everyone.
And I apologize for not always showing it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
i was just wondering if you had a second. to talk about anything at all.
I miss everyone.
I feel so isolated, and I have so much I need to vent about
but no one to talk to..
I just wish people would start at least acting like they care
because I am so over this.
I have no support system.
This sucks.
And I don't care if you think this is emo.
Walk away;
it won't be the first time.
I feel so isolated, and I have so much I need to vent about
but no one to talk to..
I just wish people would start at least acting like they care
because I am so over this.
I have no support system.
This sucks.
And I don't care if you think this is emo.
Walk away;
it won't be the first time.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
I would drown if I knew that meant you'd soar;
"I am nervous. I'm afraid. But I will stand here in the white hot heat of you. I will play Russian roulette with your playlists. I will tell jokes I'm not sure you'll find funny. I will hold on until there is no more reason to. And in the end, I will break the stars and resurrect the sun."
Friday, July 23, 2010
we will not grow old;
Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
This is a photo from Sarai's birthday party.. in the midst of our flour/water balloon fight. :)
1. I hate surprises because I hate being the center of attention. Thus, I have never been enthusiastic about celebrating my birthday.
2. I watched the movie 'Whip It' about a week ago, and have since really bought into the catch phrase "Be your own hero." I am more determined than ever to create the best possible life for myself. And I intend for it to work out fabulously.
3. I like Buzz Lightyear a lot because he conveys a message of radical hope. And he believes in himself, that he is stronger and bigger than he actually is, and because of this, he is able to achieve great things in the end.
4. My grandma always used to pat me under my chin on my neck and because of that I hate it when people touch my neck now.
5. I am on the internet way too often, so I guess I'm basically addicted.
6. I have a major phobia of getting pink eye, so if you have it, I will NOT be going within 30 feet of you. This all started because I had a cat with pink eye once.
7. As much as I love David Tennant, there is nothing I wouldn't give for a night of passion with 90s John Stamos. He is WELL sexy. And Mr. Tennant belongs to Erin anyway. :P
8. When I look back on my high school life, it all seems really surreal, and I can't believe I did all the things I did then.
9. It is very obvious to me that God has guided my life's choices... He has led me exactly where I need to be, and it blesses me that I can see that. :)
10. My dream role in a musical is Clara in 'The Light in the Piazza' but I am basically TOTALLY NOT talented enough for it.
11. I get to know people really quickly, almost as quickly as I memorize song lyrics. :)
12. I absolutely despise going to the doctor or the dentist.
13. It gives me great fulfillment when my friends who are completely different and would never otherwise have met can meet; I feel like it makes them understand me better. Is that weird?
14. I don't want to get married.
15. I consider myself basically the most boring person ever so I doubt any of these facts were interesting.
Day 02 - The meaning behind your LiveJournal name
My my, how did you know I have a livejournal?! Well, lemme tell ya. I created that account in like 8th grade when I was first obsessed with Bernadette Peters and the musical Gypsy, that she was in at the time. My lj name, 'whenisitmyturn' comes from the lyrics to the song "Rose's Turn".. she sings, "Well someone tell me when is it my turn? Don't I get a dream for myself? Starting now its gonna be my turn, gang way world get off'a my runway..." etc. It doesn't really apply to my life at all.. but it is a great song and a great musical. So yay. Also, at the time, Jamie was very active on lj and made me a moving Bernadette Peters icon that went swimmingly with my username. It was quite the cool thing at the time. :P
Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends
FRIENDS?!
I had to use two because I can't pick just one. My friends are incredible.
Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Picking at my cuticles. Being awkward.. (is that a habit?). Procrastinating. Being annoying.. (again, is that a habit?).
Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
I've been to NYC. That is a place.
Day 06 - Favorite superhero and why
I have never really been that enthused about super heroes. I am however, a huge fan of time lords, and therefore will say that the DOCTOR is basically a super hero and definitely the best one. :)
Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
There are SO many different things I could use for this.. but in this case I am choosing this photo:
..to represent the whole theatre experience I had in middle school & high school, and how it has shaped me into the person you know me as today. When I was a little kid, I was an extremely shy tomboy who loved to play imaginary games outside with the neighborhood kids.. but I was very romantically minded and was always waiting for something epic to happen. Doing theatre, through the shows I participated in and the people I met, I learned about love and how POINTLESS it is to judge others.. I developed independence and a strong work ethic. I made amazing friends who made me happy and brought me the beautiful tragedies that life is all about. And I became myself.
Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why
Hm.. Let's see. In the next 30 days I will finish media law and hopefully do okay in it.. I need to sign up for bartending school, and I will start work soon at my part-time job and move out of this house and into my apartment and get ready for the mofo semester to start and ... lots of things. For obvious reasons. lol
Day 09 - Something you’re proud of in the past few days
uh.. I don't know. Nothing in particular.
Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, and mad
I have playlists that I go to for different moods. When I study I listen to Pandora. When I am hyped I usually go to my playlists entitled "Partayyy!" and "Allons-y!" (which have dance type music and popular songs).. when I am mad or sad I usually listen to my girly playlist (with stuff like Sara Bareilles, Kate Voegele, David Archuleta, Adele, Brendan James, Ingrid Michaelson).. when I am just normal happy I listen to my Erin-ish playlist (which contains Mozart l'Opera Rock and Take That and The Ark and other delightful things) or my Allons-y playlist or the one I originally made for car ride purposes called 'Rollin' (with stuff like Imogen Heap).
Day 11 - Another picture of you and your friends
I like this photo a lot. :)
Day 12 - How you found out about LiveJournal and why you made one
It was middle school. Everyone was doing it. lol. Jamie got me into it.
Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
I don't feel like doing this. I'm not harboring any pain at the moment. lol
Day 14 - A picture of you and your family
From last summer when I went to Emerald Isle with my parents. :)
Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
1. Silly Boy- Rihanna ft. Lady Gaga
2. He Shall Feed His Flock..- Handel's Messiah
3. Fall into me- Emerson Drive
4. Stranger to the Rain- Children of Eden the musical
5. Yellow- Coldplay
6. Strong enough- Cher
7. Chai Tea Latte- Angel Taylor
8. Dancing Through Life- Wicked the musical
9. I'm Alive- Next to Normal the musical
10. Brave Enough for Love- Jane Eyre the musical
Day 16 - Another picture of yourself
This thing wants me to post a lot of photos. SO GET A LOAD OF THIS RIDIC ONE! :P
Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Bernadette Peters. To see what it feels like to be on Broadway.
Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have
Move to NYC with Erin, get our cats and fulfill all the insane things we've talked about. Be happy. Love.
Day 19 - Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Kellephant Anderbear- Yeah... coined by Katherine I believe, and now she and Erin and Sarai call me this.
Kellery- Erin Miller calls me this.
Kellephant- Erin Miller started calling me this long before the Joynerites began doing so.
Kellster- What Nicki and Linda call me, and now my screen name on many sites.
Kel- What my mother calls me.
Kewwey- What Sarai calls me.
Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Erin and I are going to have a common law/platonic marriage. And we are going to be happy as clams.
Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy
These people make me happy. :)
Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else
I am extremely genuine and sincere, and and I believe that everyone is good until proven otherwise. But occasionally that comes back to bite me in the ass, if you will.
Day 23 - Something you crave a lot
Lately, quesadillas. And frappuccino. AND COOKIES & DR PEPPER.
Day 24 - A letter to your parents
Dear parents,
Take care of each other. And try not to worry too much about me.
Love, Kelley
Day 25 - What I would find in your bag
phone, wallet, pen, ipod, particulate matter, ketchup packets, change, camera perhaps, sunglasses, keys..
Day 26 - What you think about your friends
I adore them! Duh.
Day 27 - Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN BUT IT TOOK FOREVER GAH
Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
IM NOT DOING THIS I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH THIS STUPID BLOG POST
but lemme tell ya, the past year has been incredible, and in it I have met/gotten to know some of my best friends ever.
Day 29 - In this past month, what have you learned
That media law isn't as horrible as they say.
Day 30 - Who are you
I am too many flavors for one spoon.
This is a photo from Sarai's birthday party.. in the midst of our flour/water balloon fight. :)
1. I hate surprises because I hate being the center of attention. Thus, I have never been enthusiastic about celebrating my birthday.
2. I watched the movie 'Whip It' about a week ago, and have since really bought into the catch phrase "Be your own hero." I am more determined than ever to create the best possible life for myself. And I intend for it to work out fabulously.
3. I like Buzz Lightyear a lot because he conveys a message of radical hope. And he believes in himself, that he is stronger and bigger than he actually is, and because of this, he is able to achieve great things in the end.
4. My grandma always used to pat me under my chin on my neck and because of that I hate it when people touch my neck now.
5. I am on the internet way too often, so I guess I'm basically addicted.
6. I have a major phobia of getting pink eye, so if you have it, I will NOT be going within 30 feet of you. This all started because I had a cat with pink eye once.
7. As much as I love David Tennant, there is nothing I wouldn't give for a night of passion with 90s John Stamos. He is WELL sexy. And Mr. Tennant belongs to Erin anyway. :P
8. When I look back on my high school life, it all seems really surreal, and I can't believe I did all the things I did then.
9. It is very obvious to me that God has guided my life's choices... He has led me exactly where I need to be, and it blesses me that I can see that. :)
10. My dream role in a musical is Clara in 'The Light in the Piazza' but I am basically TOTALLY NOT talented enough for it.
11. I get to know people really quickly, almost as quickly as I memorize song lyrics. :)
12. I absolutely despise going to the doctor or the dentist.
13. It gives me great fulfillment when my friends who are completely different and would never otherwise have met can meet; I feel like it makes them understand me better. Is that weird?
14. I don't want to get married.
15. I consider myself basically the most boring person ever so I doubt any of these facts were interesting.
Day 02 - The meaning behind your LiveJournal name
My my, how did you know I have a livejournal?! Well, lemme tell ya. I created that account in like 8th grade when I was first obsessed with Bernadette Peters and the musical Gypsy, that she was in at the time. My lj name, 'whenisitmyturn' comes from the lyrics to the song "Rose's Turn".. she sings, "Well someone tell me when is it my turn? Don't I get a dream for myself? Starting now its gonna be my turn, gang way world get off'a my runway..." etc. It doesn't really apply to my life at all.. but it is a great song and a great musical. So yay. Also, at the time, Jamie was very active on lj and made me a moving Bernadette Peters icon that went swimmingly with my username. It was quite the cool thing at the time. :P
Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends
FRIENDS?!
I had to use two because I can't pick just one. My friends are incredible.
Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Picking at my cuticles. Being awkward.. (is that a habit?). Procrastinating. Being annoying.. (again, is that a habit?).
Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
I've been to NYC. That is a place.
Day 06 - Favorite superhero and why
I have never really been that enthused about super heroes. I am however, a huge fan of time lords, and therefore will say that the DOCTOR is basically a super hero and definitely the best one. :)
Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
There are SO many different things I could use for this.. but in this case I am choosing this photo:
..to represent the whole theatre experience I had in middle school & high school, and how it has shaped me into the person you know me as today. When I was a little kid, I was an extremely shy tomboy who loved to play imaginary games outside with the neighborhood kids.. but I was very romantically minded and was always waiting for something epic to happen. Doing theatre, through the shows I participated in and the people I met, I learned about love and how POINTLESS it is to judge others.. I developed independence and a strong work ethic. I made amazing friends who made me happy and brought me the beautiful tragedies that life is all about. And I became myself.
Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why
Hm.. Let's see. In the next 30 days I will finish media law and hopefully do okay in it.. I need to sign up for bartending school, and I will start work soon at my part-time job and move out of this house and into my apartment and get ready for the mofo semester to start and ... lots of things. For obvious reasons. lol
Day 09 - Something you’re proud of in the past few days
uh.. I don't know. Nothing in particular.
Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, and mad
I have playlists that I go to for different moods. When I study I listen to Pandora. When I am hyped I usually go to my playlists entitled "Partayyy!" and "Allons-y!" (which have dance type music and popular songs).. when I am mad or sad I usually listen to my girly playlist (with stuff like Sara Bareilles, Kate Voegele, David Archuleta, Adele, Brendan James, Ingrid Michaelson).. when I am just normal happy I listen to my Erin-ish playlist (which contains Mozart l'Opera Rock and Take That and The Ark and other delightful things) or my Allons-y playlist or the one I originally made for car ride purposes called 'Rollin' (with stuff like Imogen Heap).
Day 11 - Another picture of you and your friends
I like this photo a lot. :)
Day 12 - How you found out about LiveJournal and why you made one
It was middle school. Everyone was doing it. lol. Jamie got me into it.
Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
I don't feel like doing this. I'm not harboring any pain at the moment. lol
Day 14 - A picture of you and your family
From last summer when I went to Emerald Isle with my parents. :)
Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
1. Silly Boy- Rihanna ft. Lady Gaga
2. He Shall Feed His Flock..- Handel's Messiah
3. Fall into me- Emerson Drive
4. Stranger to the Rain- Children of Eden the musical
5. Yellow- Coldplay
6. Strong enough- Cher
7. Chai Tea Latte- Angel Taylor
8. Dancing Through Life- Wicked the musical
9. I'm Alive- Next to Normal the musical
10. Brave Enough for Love- Jane Eyre the musical
Day 16 - Another picture of yourself
This thing wants me to post a lot of photos. SO GET A LOAD OF THIS RIDIC ONE! :P
Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Bernadette Peters. To see what it feels like to be on Broadway.
Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have
Move to NYC with Erin, get our cats and fulfill all the insane things we've talked about. Be happy. Love.
Day 19 - Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Kellephant Anderbear- Yeah... coined by Katherine I believe, and now she and Erin and Sarai call me this.
Kellery- Erin Miller calls me this.
Kellephant- Erin Miller started calling me this long before the Joynerites began doing so.
Kellster- What Nicki and Linda call me, and now my screen name on many sites.
Kel- What my mother calls me.
Kewwey- What Sarai calls me.
Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Erin and I are going to have a common law/platonic marriage. And we are going to be happy as clams.
Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy
These people make me happy. :)
Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else
I am extremely genuine and sincere, and and I believe that everyone is good until proven otherwise. But occasionally that comes back to bite me in the ass, if you will.
Day 23 - Something you crave a lot
Lately, quesadillas. And frappuccino. AND COOKIES & DR PEPPER.
Day 24 - A letter to your parents
Dear parents,
Take care of each other. And try not to worry too much about me.
Love, Kelley
Day 25 - What I would find in your bag
phone, wallet, pen, ipod, particulate matter, ketchup packets, change, camera perhaps, sunglasses, keys..
Day 26 - What you think about your friends
I adore them! Duh.
Day 27 - Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN BUT IT TOOK FOREVER GAH
Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
IM NOT DOING THIS I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH THIS STUPID BLOG POST
but lemme tell ya, the past year has been incredible, and in it I have met/gotten to know some of my best friends ever.
Day 29 - In this past month, what have you learned
That media law isn't as horrible as they say.
Day 30 - Who are you
I am too many flavors for one spoon.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
pressure;
OH MY GOD I AM SO STRESSED.
The coming school year might just actually kill me.
Before the semester starts, I have to find a time to take bar tending classes, sign up for them and get that DONE (and then get a hopefully VERY part-time job), create my portfolio to become a personal stylist (and then put ads on craigslist and create business cards so that I can hopefully get some clients and make some extra money), get my car inspected and my oil changed, go visit my parents, go to Carowinds with my amazing friends, move out of this house and into my apartment, talk to my boss about my work schedule for the fall, and I really want to go ahead and start looking at NYC apartments and that sort of thing so that I can worry a bit LESS about it during the school year. I ALSO need to find out when Sarai and I can go to Europe to visit Erin next year and all that stuff. BAHHH.
Then, DURING the semester, I will be producing a musical, taking a class that requires me to spend time working in the shop for the on campus professional theatre company, working backstage for said theatre company for several weeks (because of another class), working a part-time job, hopefully being a personal stylist on weekends, and perhaps hopefully also being a bar tender sometimes, oh and choir as well. I will also be preparing to visit Erin in Paris and continuing preparations to move to NYC.
I am so so stressed. I don't even know how this is all going to get done.
Edit: Another thing I want to do during the school year- create a NEW blog in which I discuss theatre at my university and write reviews of shows. Thus, create writing samples so that I can attempt to perhaps become a theatre critic in NYC.
The coming school year might just actually kill me.
Before the semester starts, I have to find a time to take bar tending classes, sign up for them and get that DONE (and then get a hopefully VERY part-time job), create my portfolio to become a personal stylist (and then put ads on craigslist and create business cards so that I can hopefully get some clients and make some extra money), get my car inspected and my oil changed, go visit my parents, go to Carowinds with my amazing friends, move out of this house and into my apartment, talk to my boss about my work schedule for the fall, and I really want to go ahead and start looking at NYC apartments and that sort of thing so that I can worry a bit LESS about it during the school year. I ALSO need to find out when Sarai and I can go to Europe to visit Erin next year and all that stuff. BAHHH.
Then, DURING the semester, I will be producing a musical, taking a class that requires me to spend time working in the shop for the on campus professional theatre company, working backstage for said theatre company for several weeks (because of another class), working a part-time job, hopefully being a personal stylist on weekends, and perhaps hopefully also being a bar tender sometimes, oh and choir as well. I will also be preparing to visit Erin in Paris and continuing preparations to move to NYC.
I am so so stressed. I don't even know how this is all going to get done.
Edit: Another thing I want to do during the school year- create a NEW blog in which I discuss theatre at my university and write reviews of shows. Thus, create writing samples so that I can attempt to perhaps become a theatre critic in NYC.
Monday, July 12, 2010
before you, my life was a moonless night;
I have been feeling really alone lately.
I don't know what this stemmed from.. okay actually that's a lie. I totally do. But it doesn't matter anymore. It was stupid and emo.
And I wrote some stupid/emo blogs over the past couple days that I will not be posting because I am well aware that they are stupid & emo!
However, I am feeling a lot better now, a lot more whole, a lot more needed and loved and important.
Today was a fantastic day.
Anyway, Sarai, my adorable little summer roommate and amazing friend, wrote this blog post recently, and it PERFECTLY EXPLAINS the EXACT same insecurities that I have. Here it is:
"Sometimes I worry that I'll never be good enough or funny enough or awesome enough for some people and I wonder if people are bored with me or that I'm too emotional for them or that I'm not emotional enough or that I'm not interesting enough or that I don't care enough and sometimes I wish people would say these things to me because if there's one thing I hate more than anything it's not being told people's true feelings. And sometimes I wonder why I never seem to be the one that's loved the most or if it's all in my head or if all this really is real and I wonder why I'm never the first in anyone's life and why I'm never good enough and if it's just a mood swing or if it's me but then I worry I'll never know cause they'll never tell me because they don't care enough to tell me the truth and just want to keep me happy."
(I have bolded the parts that I most relate to.)
And she and I have the same personality type (ENFJ, but Sarai is actually borderline between ENFJ and ENTJ), so that explains why our inner workings are so similar.
ANYWAY, that is exactly how I've been feeling the past few days.
And I think part of it is due to my dad's health and me being worried about that.
(Speaking of which, my dad has an appointment at the fancy, out of town hospital for the beginning of August. Apparently that is the soonest they can get him in, but my mom is worried and wants to try and move up the appointment. Your continued prayers for that are immensely appreciated.)
And part of it is that most of my friends are geographically far away at the moment, and the ones who aren't are on completely different schedules than me and don't live near me so its difficult to find time to play.
I just miss everyone constantly.
And I haven't gotten to have a heart-to-heart conversation with anyone in a really long time about my life. I am really bad at those, and Taylor (God bless her)is one of the only people I will subject my venting fits to, because she is just that patient and I never worry that I'll bore her. So yeah. That has been missing from my life and causing me to take in all my feelings and inevitably over-analyze everything and its just basically a disaster when I can't talk to people about things like that.
So if you've been around me and I've seemed unstable or grumpy or quiet.. that's probably the reason.
See, the thing is, I am completely in love with my friends. COMPLETELY IN LOVE. You people have no idea how much I adore you.
Like little Sarai here. Basically everything she does is adorable just because its her. And she has become a staple in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
And my love Erin, who's (rough draft) novel I have just recently gotten around to reading, and it is EPIC MOFO GOOD. I am immensely proud of her (for that, and for many other reasons). And she is going to be the next J.K. Rowling/Stephanie Meyer/John Green. And children are going to write fanfic about her stories. And we are going to sit on our fire escape balcony and read it to our cats.
And Jamie, who is spending the summer where she goes to school, and is just having fun and hanging out with her boyfriend. I am really happy for her. He is a great guy and a great fit for her in terms of personality and such. They are a cute couple. :)
I could go on, but I'll spare you.
But because I love everyone so much, I get weird whenever I feel like my feelings are not reciprocated. Because each of my close friends leads me to places I cannot see on my own. They bring me joy and light and freedom. And they make me want to journey into the Great Perhaps and leave behind my minor life of monotonous certainty in search of grander maybes, and assure me that it will be okay.
You all have made me irretrievably different.
But then when no one is around, and its just me, I feel perhapsless. Purposeless. Like I have been left in the labyrinth of life with no one to hold on to..
So, when you go
if you go
(please don't go)
I'll be stuck in the labyrinth
and I'll never know if you took the straight & fast way out..
if you left me on purpose..
People have a tendency to come into my life and make me irretrievably different and change my moonless night into a sky brimming with stars,
and then they disappear
with no explanation.
And the stars fade (just like that episode of Doctor Who).
So, now, I am constantly worried that it will happen again.
That is why I am so terrified that I am too boring for people.
Because I'm afraid they'll just walk away.
...
But I am happier now.
Today I decided to be happier
because it is not worth it to be anything other than happy and grateful.
And there is no way I'm going to be ready for my midterm on Tuesday, but whatever. Today has been fantastic.
Also, this was really long. So, you're amazing if you've made it through.
(& I hope SOMEONE recognized my 'Looking for Alaska' references ;D )
And I hope that if you read this, you are assured that A) I love you, B) I am a ridiculous mofo and C) I ramble a lot.
I don't know what this stemmed from.. okay actually that's a lie. I totally do. But it doesn't matter anymore. It was stupid and emo.
And I wrote some stupid/emo blogs over the past couple days that I will not be posting because I am well aware that they are stupid & emo!
However, I am feeling a lot better now, a lot more whole, a lot more needed and loved and important.
Today was a fantastic day.
Anyway, Sarai, my adorable little summer roommate and amazing friend, wrote this blog post recently, and it PERFECTLY EXPLAINS the EXACT same insecurities that I have. Here it is:
"Sometimes I worry that I'll never be good enough or funny enough or awesome enough for some people and I wonder if people are bored with me or that I'm too emotional for them or that I'm not emotional enough or that I'm not interesting enough or that I don't care enough and sometimes I wish people would say these things to me because if there's one thing I hate more than anything it's not being told people's true feelings. And sometimes I wonder why I never seem to be the one that's loved the most or if it's all in my head or if all this really is real and I wonder why I'm never the first in anyone's life and why I'm never good enough and if it's just a mood swing or if it's me but then I worry I'll never know cause they'll never tell me because they don't care enough to tell me the truth and just want to keep me happy."
(I have bolded the parts that I most relate to.)
And she and I have the same personality type (ENFJ, but Sarai is actually borderline between ENFJ and ENTJ), so that explains why our inner workings are so similar.
ANYWAY, that is exactly how I've been feeling the past few days.
And I think part of it is due to my dad's health and me being worried about that.
(Speaking of which, my dad has an appointment at the fancy, out of town hospital for the beginning of August. Apparently that is the soonest they can get him in, but my mom is worried and wants to try and move up the appointment. Your continued prayers for that are immensely appreciated.)
And part of it is that most of my friends are geographically far away at the moment, and the ones who aren't are on completely different schedules than me and don't live near me so its difficult to find time to play.
I just miss everyone constantly.
And I haven't gotten to have a heart-to-heart conversation with anyone in a really long time about my life. I am really bad at those, and Taylor (God bless her)is one of the only people I will subject my venting fits to, because she is just that patient and I never worry that I'll bore her. So yeah. That has been missing from my life and causing me to take in all my feelings and inevitably over-analyze everything and its just basically a disaster when I can't talk to people about things like that.
So if you've been around me and I've seemed unstable or grumpy or quiet.. that's probably the reason.
See, the thing is, I am completely in love with my friends. COMPLETELY IN LOVE. You people have no idea how much I adore you.
Like little Sarai here. Basically everything she does is adorable just because its her. And she has become a staple in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
And my love Erin, who's (rough draft) novel I have just recently gotten around to reading, and it is EPIC MOFO GOOD. I am immensely proud of her (for that, and for many other reasons). And she is going to be the next J.K. Rowling/Stephanie Meyer/John Green. And children are going to write fanfic about her stories. And we are going to sit on our fire escape balcony and read it to our cats.
And Jamie, who is spending the summer where she goes to school, and is just having fun and hanging out with her boyfriend. I am really happy for her. He is a great guy and a great fit for her in terms of personality and such. They are a cute couple. :)
I could go on, but I'll spare you.
But because I love everyone so much, I get weird whenever I feel like my feelings are not reciprocated. Because each of my close friends leads me to places I cannot see on my own. They bring me joy and light and freedom. And they make me want to journey into the Great Perhaps and leave behind my minor life of monotonous certainty in search of grander maybes, and assure me that it will be okay.
You all have made me irretrievably different.
But then when no one is around, and its just me, I feel perhapsless. Purposeless. Like I have been left in the labyrinth of life with no one to hold on to..
So, when you go
if you go
(please don't go)
I'll be stuck in the labyrinth
and I'll never know if you took the straight & fast way out..
if you left me on purpose..
People have a tendency to come into my life and make me irretrievably different and change my moonless night into a sky brimming with stars,
and then they disappear
with no explanation.
And the stars fade (just like that episode of Doctor Who).
So, now, I am constantly worried that it will happen again.
That is why I am so terrified that I am too boring for people.
Because I'm afraid they'll just walk away.
...
But I am happier now.
Today I decided to be happier
because it is not worth it to be anything other than happy and grateful.
And there is no way I'm going to be ready for my midterm on Tuesday, but whatever. Today has been fantastic.
Also, this was really long. So, you're amazing if you've made it through.
(& I hope SOMEONE recognized my 'Looking for Alaska' references ;D )
And I hope that if you read this, you are assured that A) I love you, B) I am a ridiculous mofo and C) I ramble a lot.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
hold on tight;
"It feels like you or the world will never change. But I've seen you change. Both of you."
"For she had embodied the Great Perhaps- she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. I could call everything the Colonel said & did 'fine.' I could try to pretend that I didn't care anymore, but it could never be true again. You can't just make yourself matter and then die, Alaska, because now I am irretrievably different, and I'm sorry I let you go, yes, but you made the choice. You left me Perhapsless, stuck in your goddamned labyrinth. And now I don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out, if you left me like this on purpose. And so I never knew you, did I? I can't remember, because I never knew." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter
"For she had embodied the Great Perhaps- she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. I could call everything the Colonel said & did 'fine.' I could try to pretend that I didn't care anymore, but it could never be true again. You can't just make yourself matter and then die, Alaska, because now I am irretrievably different, and I'm sorry I let you go, yes, but you made the choice. You left me Perhapsless, stuck in your goddamned labyrinth. And now I don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out, if you left me like this on purpose. And so I never knew you, did I? I can't remember, because I never knew." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter
Thursday, July 8, 2010
every rose has its thorn;
If you had 3 wishes but each took 3 years off your life, what would you wish for?
Well, first I would need to know how long I would live without these wishes... Because if I'm going to live to be like 97 then I could potentially afford such a thing, but if I'm going to die young then I would not take this offer. However, 3 wishes...
For my dad's health to get better.
To be financially stable and therefore not have to worry about money.
And to live the dream in NYC with Erin. (even though that's already definitely happening.)
What makes you happy?
my friends, being able to make someone smile, laughter, Doctor Who, David Tennant, accents, cute clothes, road trips, inside jokes, outings with friends... many things!
Living alone with tons of money or living with your soul mate in a shelter?
How about living with my BFF in a cardboard TARDIS under a bridge?! :D
Losing the love of your life, or never finding them at all?
I am inclined to say never finding them at all. But I feel like that's a stupid answer. So.. I have no idea.
Saying something you regret, or saying nothing and regretting it?
I've done both, but its probably better to say nothing and regret it.
Whats the hardest goodbye you've ever had to do?
I hate goodbyes. So, all of them? But one of the hardest was after I was in the musical 'Ragtime' in 10th grade and had to say goodbye to my bff/"mom" Susan.. because I knew that after that our friendship would never be the same. And she changed my life pretty drastically.
Who is the single most amazing person you have known?
There have been a lot. :) Each amazing in a different way.
Where do you want to be in 10 years time?
NYC. Where else?! I also hope that I have a pretty kickin' career... that would be helpful.
If you could go back and relive one year of your life, which would it be?
This past year. Knowing what I know now, there is a lot I would do differently.
Have you ever loved someone only for them not to love you?
Well yeah. Of course.
Do you feel that everyone is capable of feeling love?
I don't think everyone is capable of knowing or understanding the purest form of unconditional love, because I believe that you have to know and understand the love of Christ in order to show and feel that kind of love.
Name 5 things in your life that you are thankful for:
friends
family
love
passion
laughter
What is something in this world you feel is overrated?
Tanning. Fitting in. Overachieving. Marriage.
What can a person do to you that you will not forgive them for?
I forgive pretty easily. But it is hard for me to see someone in the same light I saw them before they did whatever was so upsetting.. if that makes sense. But anyway, so far, all is forgiven.
Pick a quote that you can relate to. Why can you relate with it?
"You are an end product of time. And time will always take its toll. Never regret the price you pay to become who you are." -IWTFY
..I think everyone can relate to that. We all have a story, and we all grow based on the choices we make and the people we meet.
Do you believe that any miracles have happend so far in your life? If so what were they?
I believe that every day is a miracle in itself. :)
And love, friendship, people... all miracles.
Do you think you have succeeded or failed so far in your life?
Succeeded I suppose. But there have of course been some epic fail moments.
If somebody were to look deep into your eyes, what would they feel/see?:
Faith, love, hope, compassion, empathy, curiosity
What personality trait has gotten you into the most trouble?
Hm. Good question. Depends how you define 'trouble' I suppose.. I'm not really sure.
What is the epitome of beauty in your eyes?
people who keep on fighting and smiling and remaining true to themselves despite extremely difficult circumstances.
What has been your greatest struggle?
Its a struggle every time my dad has to go to the hospital...
Do you cry when you get an injury?
haha I suppose it depends on the injury. But usually I suppress the pain and try not to.
If you could ask your partner any question, what would it be?
uhm.. I don't have a "partner"..
What is your most cherished possession? (PEOPLE aren't possessions.)
There are a lot. The pictures on my wall, my photo album, my shark hat, my wardrobe (because it would be quite difficult to replace)... I am probably too protective over material things. But I think that is probably because I know I would never have the money to replace any of it.
Do you fall in love easily or does it take a while?
I am quite intuitive and a really good judge of character. So it is usually a quick process.
When was the last time you talked to God
Yesterday
Live with ______ in your heart.
hope.
If you died tomorrow what would you want to happen today?
I would just want to be with my friends and be happy and laugh a lot.
Who has influenced you the most?
My theatre family, the Muffett family, a few special teachers, and my closest friends.
Whats your longest relationship been?
Well, Jamie and I have been friends since we were 8 months old... That's pretty significant, right?!
Whats one thing you'd never do?
Poop out the window of a moving vehicle.
If you could represent one deadly sin, what would it be?
I have no idea. I just googled them because I couldn't remember what they are.. and I don't know. I would prefer not to represent any of them!
What is the overall personal quality you look for in a potential mate?
Ohhh uh. Hm. Niceness, hottness, David Tennant-ness... haha.
What is the number one problem you have with yourself?
I'm not good at verbalizing my thoughts or feelings.
What are you looking for in life?
Love, happiness... nothing too complicated.
If you could be anywhere right now with one person, who would it be and where?
At Tiny Dog's house with Erin & Sarai. Those mofos. Watching Doctor Who all day and I am stuck here attempting (& failing) to do homework.
Whats the one moment in your life that you think had the biggest impact? Positively? Negatively?
Positive - Too many. I can't pinpoint anything.
Negative - Uh. There have been a few. I don't know.
Have you ever felt like just giving up on everything?
Yeah.
How far would you go to protect the people you care about?
pretty mofo far!
Would you die for another person if it saved their life?
Absolutely.
What is the best way to get rid of an enemy?
I don't know, but the way to avoid acquiring them is to love everyone, but then if they turn out to be a poo face, just walk away before they destroy you.
Have you ever known someone who commited suicide?
no
What can make you smile no matter what?
Erin Ruth Maness!!
And finally is there any last words you wanna say to anyone?
Uh.. ? I don't know! HI! :D
Well, first I would need to know how long I would live without these wishes... Because if I'm going to live to be like 97 then I could potentially afford such a thing, but if I'm going to die young then I would not take this offer. However, 3 wishes...
For my dad's health to get better.
To be financially stable and therefore not have to worry about money.
And to live the dream in NYC with Erin. (even though that's already definitely happening.)
What makes you happy?
my friends, being able to make someone smile, laughter, Doctor Who, David Tennant, accents, cute clothes, road trips, inside jokes, outings with friends... many things!
Living alone with tons of money or living with your soul mate in a shelter?
How about living with my BFF in a cardboard TARDIS under a bridge?! :D
Losing the love of your life, or never finding them at all?
I am inclined to say never finding them at all. But I feel like that's a stupid answer. So.. I have no idea.
Saying something you regret, or saying nothing and regretting it?
I've done both, but its probably better to say nothing and regret it.
Whats the hardest goodbye you've ever had to do?
I hate goodbyes. So, all of them? But one of the hardest was after I was in the musical 'Ragtime' in 10th grade and had to say goodbye to my bff/"mom" Susan.. because I knew that after that our friendship would never be the same. And she changed my life pretty drastically.
Who is the single most amazing person you have known?
There have been a lot. :) Each amazing in a different way.
Where do you want to be in 10 years time?
NYC. Where else?! I also hope that I have a pretty kickin' career... that would be helpful.
If you could go back and relive one year of your life, which would it be?
This past year. Knowing what I know now, there is a lot I would do differently.
Have you ever loved someone only for them not to love you?
Well yeah. Of course.
Do you feel that everyone is capable of feeling love?
I don't think everyone is capable of knowing or understanding the purest form of unconditional love, because I believe that you have to know and understand the love of Christ in order to show and feel that kind of love.
Name 5 things in your life that you are thankful for:
friends
family
love
passion
laughter
What is something in this world you feel is overrated?
Tanning. Fitting in. Overachieving. Marriage.
What can a person do to you that you will not forgive them for?
I forgive pretty easily. But it is hard for me to see someone in the same light I saw them before they did whatever was so upsetting.. if that makes sense. But anyway, so far, all is forgiven.
Pick a quote that you can relate to. Why can you relate with it?
"You are an end product of time. And time will always take its toll. Never regret the price you pay to become who you are." -IWTFY
..I think everyone can relate to that. We all have a story, and we all grow based on the choices we make and the people we meet.
Do you believe that any miracles have happend so far in your life? If so what were they?
I believe that every day is a miracle in itself. :)
And love, friendship, people... all miracles.
Do you think you have succeeded or failed so far in your life?
Succeeded I suppose. But there have of course been some epic fail moments.
If somebody were to look deep into your eyes, what would they feel/see?:
Faith, love, hope, compassion, empathy, curiosity
What personality trait has gotten you into the most trouble?
Hm. Good question. Depends how you define 'trouble' I suppose.. I'm not really sure.
What is the epitome of beauty in your eyes?
people who keep on fighting and smiling and remaining true to themselves despite extremely difficult circumstances.
What has been your greatest struggle?
Its a struggle every time my dad has to go to the hospital...
Do you cry when you get an injury?
haha I suppose it depends on the injury. But usually I suppress the pain and try not to.
If you could ask your partner any question, what would it be?
uhm.. I don't have a "partner"..
What is your most cherished possession? (PEOPLE aren't possessions.)
There are a lot. The pictures on my wall, my photo album, my shark hat, my wardrobe (because it would be quite difficult to replace)... I am probably too protective over material things. But I think that is probably because I know I would never have the money to replace any of it.
Do you fall in love easily or does it take a while?
I am quite intuitive and a really good judge of character. So it is usually a quick process.
When was the last time you talked to God
Yesterday
Live with ______ in your heart.
hope.
If you died tomorrow what would you want to happen today?
I would just want to be with my friends and be happy and laugh a lot.
Who has influenced you the most?
My theatre family, the Muffett family, a few special teachers, and my closest friends.
Whats your longest relationship been?
Well, Jamie and I have been friends since we were 8 months old... That's pretty significant, right?!
Whats one thing you'd never do?
Poop out the window of a moving vehicle.
If you could represent one deadly sin, what would it be?
I have no idea. I just googled them because I couldn't remember what they are.. and I don't know. I would prefer not to represent any of them!
What is the overall personal quality you look for in a potential mate?
Ohhh uh. Hm. Niceness, hottness, David Tennant-ness... haha.
What is the number one problem you have with yourself?
I'm not good at verbalizing my thoughts or feelings.
What are you looking for in life?
Love, happiness... nothing too complicated.
If you could be anywhere right now with one person, who would it be and where?
At Tiny Dog's house with Erin & Sarai. Those mofos. Watching Doctor Who all day and I am stuck here attempting (& failing) to do homework.
Whats the one moment in your life that you think had the biggest impact? Positively? Negatively?
Positive - Too many. I can't pinpoint anything.
Negative - Uh. There have been a few. I don't know.
Have you ever felt like just giving up on everything?
Yeah.
How far would you go to protect the people you care about?
pretty mofo far!
Would you die for another person if it saved their life?
Absolutely.
What is the best way to get rid of an enemy?
I don't know, but the way to avoid acquiring them is to love everyone, but then if they turn out to be a poo face, just walk away before they destroy you.
Have you ever known someone who commited suicide?
no
What can make you smile no matter what?
Erin Ruth Maness!!
And finally is there any last words you wanna say to anyone?
Uh.. ? I don't know! HI! :D
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
paper heart;
I am basically a nervous wreck.
I found out today that my father has congestive heart failure and has to go to a fancier hospital to get it checked out and he also has to get his aortic valve replaced. GAH.
This is scary.
He has been through similar things before... When I was in 3rd grade he had a triple bypass, and then freshman year of college (over Thanksgiving break) he had a stroke, and was then diagnosed with diabetes.
Since then, he has been eating better but not exercising like he should, and now this is happening.
Its just basically really terrifying.
Its really weird.
Because I go home now and my father has no energy and can't do much of anything without shortness of breath.
I'm scared.
And meanwhile, I am dealing with my own stupid life and EFFING MEDIA LAW and not having a job and needing to get my car looked at... And those are all dumb, trivial things.. but they are things that need to be dealt with either way.
And I am a nervous wreck.
As I said.
Prayers are very much appreciated.
<3
I found out today that my father has congestive heart failure and has to go to a fancier hospital to get it checked out and he also has to get his aortic valve replaced. GAH.
This is scary.
He has been through similar things before... When I was in 3rd grade he had a triple bypass, and then freshman year of college (over Thanksgiving break) he had a stroke, and was then diagnosed with diabetes.
Since then, he has been eating better but not exercising like he should, and now this is happening.
Its just basically really terrifying.
Its really weird.
Because I go home now and my father has no energy and can't do much of anything without shortness of breath.
I'm scared.
And meanwhile, I am dealing with my own stupid life and EFFING MEDIA LAW and not having a job and needing to get my car looked at... And those are all dumb, trivial things.. but they are things that need to be dealt with either way.
And I am a nervous wreck.
As I said.
Prayers are very much appreciated.
<3
Sunday, July 4, 2010
you don't get to get me back
"No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms"
-Christina Perri, 'Jar of Hearts'
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms"
-Christina Perri, 'Jar of Hearts'
I did this in an hour. Not 30 days.
I love these... a 30 day meme!!
Day 01 - A fun fact about yourself that no one would ever guess.
I feel like I am really predictable and most of my friends would probably not be surprised by anything about me... uh... I guess, since I just said that, my fact is going to be something kind of contradictory to that- which is, Jamie is basically the only one of my friends who knows anything about my pre-college life. I just never really talk about stuff because A) I think its boring and B) I would really rather hear my friends talk than talk about stuff that won't matter to them at all.
Day 02 - Something that inspires you.
Amazing quotes and song lyrics.. I am basically a quote whore. Namely, pleasefindthis.blogspot.com brings me inspiration 5 days a week! Also, my friends inspire me. :)
Day 03 - The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why.
Is this even possible to answer?!? Gah! Uhm.. at this moment, the 5 I would most like would be:
-King of Anything by Sara Bareilles
-Bulletproof by LaRoux (the dance mix)
-We'll Be a Dream by We the Kings and Demi Lovato
-Hometown Glory by Adele
-Superboy and the Invisible Girl from the musical Next to Normal
...but I love music too much to not have a constant variety.. so.. I'm not sure how well this would work out.
Day 04 - What you imagine paradise to be like.
This may sound stupid, but I kind of think of it somewhat like it was presented in the novel, "The Lovely Bones" where each person has their own perfect little place and sees everything how they would want it to be. Like, I would have a city-ish place... and then someone who really liked the beach would have a beach, and stuff like that. I just think it is completely personal. And stuff. And I really want to believe that you will remember your family and friends and get to see them there.
Day 05 - A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life.
Dear you,
I hope and pray that I bring you as much happiness as you bring me every single day. If I had to describe you in one word and one word only, it would be 'beautiful,' because I believe that you carry your heavy heart with such grace. You exemplify a mature and loving heart when you are able to get through very awkward and rough situations in a manner I just do not have the couth, or the emotional strength, for. I admire you more than you know. I know you have been through some horrible times, and I wish that you would confide in me more, because I consider myself a safe and trustworthy person and I would love to help you if you would let me in. You bring me so much laughter, and it never fails to make me both very pleased and very proud when I can make you laugh too. Your hugs are my favorite and I love how you take life in such stride. Thank you for dealing with me, because I know that its not always easy. Never deny yourself the opportunity to walk tall in the knowledge of your own true beauty. I love you, and I wish you knew how beautiful you are- inside and out.
xo, me
Day 06 - Earliest thing you can remember.
I never have good answers for this... My 4th birthday? Sometime in pre-school when I was like 3? I have no idea.
Day 07 - Favorite cover of your favorite song.
OH SNAP so I don't have a favorite song per se, but this cover (done by a group at my school) is FLIPPIN FANTASTIC.
Day 08 - Someone you think would make a good president.
I have no idea. Maybe Oprah. haha.
Day 09 - Five things you want to see change.
1. Some of my current friendship dynamics that cause me to have to walk on eggshells. Its annoying and unnecessary.
2. I would like to be less sleepy and thirsty than I am now.
3. I would like it if people would stop being mean to any and all of my friends. Its getting a little bit ridiculous, and there is only so many times we can have the same effing drama over and over.
4. I would like there to be less hate in the world.
5. I would like more people to be sincere & genuine.
Day 10 - A dream you had this past week described in detail.
I described that John Barrowman dream a few posts ago. Go look. :)
Day 11 - Favorite picture ever taken of yourself.
I am not 100% sure that's my fav, but it is definitely one of the best. This is the dress I wore senior year of high school when I was in the ensemble of Cinderella at CFRT. Catherine and I named it my 1983-Belle-Gone-Wrong dress. :)
Day 12 - An inside joke.
CAKES & BABIES.
Day 13 - A memory that never fails to make you laugh.
Uhmm basically all the memories of antics and road trips and improv games and classic times with Jamie Muffett will never ever fail to make me laugh, ever.
Day 14 - Best mashup you’ve ever heard.
I am pretty sure my favorite mashup is the top 25 of 2009, which is this:
HOWEVER, I want the 2010 one to be better.. and I think it will be.
Day 15 - A moment, phrase, or song that has changed your life the most.
There have been way too many. But 2 things that have stuck with me for a really long time are the following:
1. When I was watching some episode of Oprah one day when I was like 14 or 15 and I think it was about some addiction (drugs, alcohol, heck it may have been a food addiction) but Oprah said something about how all sorts of addictions have this commonality, and for example, a shopping addict cannot look at a drug addict and say, "At least I'm not like THOSE people!" because they are exactly the same. Both addictions are harmful, and both people are struggling with coping through it.
This was a big moment for me, and since then I have never referred to any group negatively and separated them from myself like that. We are all a lot more alike than we are different.
2. When I was in 'To Kill a Mockingbird' in 9th grade, the last lines of the play were Scout saying something about how the enigmatic and seemingly creepy Boo Radley was actually really nice, and Atticus says, "Most people are, Scout, once you finally see them."
That play/book is absolutely beautiful, and really helped me become A) extremely interested in African American history, and B) it taught me never to judge others.
Day 16 - Something that you want to do within the next five years.
Move to NYC with my BFF Erin. Fall 2011. Stoked.
Day 17 - What you want to remembered for.
I want to be remembered for the love I showed other people, and the smiles I hopefully put on their faces. I want people to remember the good times they had with me, and to hopefully look at photos of us or notes I have written them and laugh because of some ridiculous inside joke or adventure we had. I want to be remembered as an advocate for radical love and hope.
Day 18 - A picture that makes you feel inspired.
This: http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l3kuhrl13W1qzu9iro1_1280.png?AWSAccessKeyId=0RYTHV9YYQ4W5Q3HQMG2&Expires=1278310664&Signature=uY%2BMiHu6TIjfZzR5ExWEQFVa%2Bi0%3D
Its a photo montage thing of an episode of Doctor Who. I wasn't the biggest fan of the actual episode, but the concept was great, and the fact that Starry Night is my favorite painting of all time made me really empathize with Van Gogh, and it was really inspiring to see that even someone who had no hope that his memory would live on after his passing was going to be remembered as one of the greatest artists of all time. It was a great 'What If' concept, which is something I tend to wonder about a lot.
Day 19 - A passage from a book that has touched you.
This is from Looking for Alaska by John Green. It gives me chills every single time.
"He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth.... If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless. ... But not knowing would not keep me from caring, and I would always love Alaska Young, my crooked neighbor, with all my crooked heart... She deverved better friends. ... she did not need to fold into herself and self-destruct. Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be... We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken... Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations... So I know she forgives me, just as I forgive her. Thomas Edison's last words were, 'Its very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is, but I believe its somewhere, and I hope its beautiful."
Day 20 - A band that you immediately liked and the song that made you like them.
The Avett Brothers. I & Love & You.
Day 21 - Your favorite medium of art.
Photography is great, as are paintings.
Day 22 - Someone you would give your life up for without question.
Any and all of my wonderful friends.
Day 23 - Most awkward first impression you feel you’ve ever given.
hahaha!! WELL today when Erin, Tyler, Cat and I hid under my bed from Sarai and her uncle and grandparents.. That was probably at least a ridiculously awkward first impression!
Day 24 - Something you did as a child that other people remember you for.
My friend Lydia remembers me for teaching her to swim. I had completely forgotten about this, but when I fb friended her a few months ago she reminded me of it. :) She was 2 or 3 years younger than me and I believe I taught her to swim when I was in 3rd grade.
Day 25 - Something you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail.
Star on Broadway. (If by "wouldn't fail" you mean "were talented")
Day 26 - Your definition of love.
No one says it better than Jesus- Greater love hath no man than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends.
Here is a good quote about it:
“Love is a temporary madness; you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”
-Louis de Bernieres
Day 27 - Your definition of the meaning of life.
Life is about finding those people who you cannot ever conceivably part from and being happy and bringing joy and the hope and love of Christ to those around you. Life is about taking a journey through a thick forest where nothing makes sense until you slowly find people with flash lights, and moving closer to each other to see each other in the dark.
Life is about growth and connection, and making a melody out of chaos.
Day 28 - A moment you remember being completely happy.
One night at the beginning of the summer when Erin was over and we were sitting on the floor in Sarai's room and Erin & I had just been wrestling (aka I was being thrown around and sat upon) and I was of course in some sort of pain so I whined about it to Erin and I put my arm around her back, and she did the same and was scratching my back, and she does.
Basically any hug-like situations are bliss for me.
Day 29 - What you live for.
Jesus, friends, family, adventure, joy, experience, emotion, discovery... Lots of things.
Day 30 - Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days.
I have become more independent I think. Slightly less passive. More realistic about my impending transition to adulthood and financial independence. And more in touch with who I am and who my friends are.
Day 01 - A fun fact about yourself that no one would ever guess.
I feel like I am really predictable and most of my friends would probably not be surprised by anything about me... uh... I guess, since I just said that, my fact is going to be something kind of contradictory to that- which is, Jamie is basically the only one of my friends who knows anything about my pre-college life. I just never really talk about stuff because A) I think its boring and B) I would really rather hear my friends talk than talk about stuff that won't matter to them at all.
Day 02 - Something that inspires you.
Amazing quotes and song lyrics.. I am basically a quote whore. Namely, pleasefindthis.blogspot.com brings me inspiration 5 days a week! Also, my friends inspire me. :)
Day 03 - The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why.
Is this even possible to answer?!? Gah! Uhm.. at this moment, the 5 I would most like would be:
-King of Anything by Sara Bareilles
-Bulletproof by LaRoux (the dance mix)
-We'll Be a Dream by We the Kings and Demi Lovato
-Hometown Glory by Adele
-Superboy and the Invisible Girl from the musical Next to Normal
...but I love music too much to not have a constant variety.. so.. I'm not sure how well this would work out.
Day 04 - What you imagine paradise to be like.
This may sound stupid, but I kind of think of it somewhat like it was presented in the novel, "The Lovely Bones" where each person has their own perfect little place and sees everything how they would want it to be. Like, I would have a city-ish place... and then someone who really liked the beach would have a beach, and stuff like that. I just think it is completely personal. And stuff. And I really want to believe that you will remember your family and friends and get to see them there.
Day 05 - A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life.
Dear you,
I hope and pray that I bring you as much happiness as you bring me every single day. If I had to describe you in one word and one word only, it would be 'beautiful,' because I believe that you carry your heavy heart with such grace. You exemplify a mature and loving heart when you are able to get through very awkward and rough situations in a manner I just do not have the couth, or the emotional strength, for. I admire you more than you know. I know you have been through some horrible times, and I wish that you would confide in me more, because I consider myself a safe and trustworthy person and I would love to help you if you would let me in. You bring me so much laughter, and it never fails to make me both very pleased and very proud when I can make you laugh too. Your hugs are my favorite and I love how you take life in such stride. Thank you for dealing with me, because I know that its not always easy. Never deny yourself the opportunity to walk tall in the knowledge of your own true beauty. I love you, and I wish you knew how beautiful you are- inside and out.
xo, me
Day 06 - Earliest thing you can remember.
I never have good answers for this... My 4th birthday? Sometime in pre-school when I was like 3? I have no idea.
Day 07 - Favorite cover of your favorite song.
OH SNAP so I don't have a favorite song per se, but this cover (done by a group at my school) is FLIPPIN FANTASTIC.
Day 08 - Someone you think would make a good president.
I have no idea. Maybe Oprah. haha.
Day 09 - Five things you want to see change.
1. Some of my current friendship dynamics that cause me to have to walk on eggshells. Its annoying and unnecessary.
2. I would like to be less sleepy and thirsty than I am now.
3. I would like it if people would stop being mean to any and all of my friends. Its getting a little bit ridiculous, and there is only so many times we can have the same effing drama over and over.
4. I would like there to be less hate in the world.
5. I would like more people to be sincere & genuine.
Day 10 - A dream you had this past week described in detail.
I described that John Barrowman dream a few posts ago. Go look. :)
Day 11 - Favorite picture ever taken of yourself.
I am not 100% sure that's my fav, but it is definitely one of the best. This is the dress I wore senior year of high school when I was in the ensemble of Cinderella at CFRT. Catherine and I named it my 1983-Belle-Gone-Wrong dress. :)
Day 12 - An inside joke.
CAKES & BABIES.
Day 13 - A memory that never fails to make you laugh.
Uhmm basically all the memories of antics and road trips and improv games and classic times with Jamie Muffett will never ever fail to make me laugh, ever.
Day 14 - Best mashup you’ve ever heard.
I am pretty sure my favorite mashup is the top 25 of 2009, which is this:
HOWEVER, I want the 2010 one to be better.. and I think it will be.
Day 15 - A moment, phrase, or song that has changed your life the most.
There have been way too many. But 2 things that have stuck with me for a really long time are the following:
1. When I was watching some episode of Oprah one day when I was like 14 or 15 and I think it was about some addiction (drugs, alcohol, heck it may have been a food addiction) but Oprah said something about how all sorts of addictions have this commonality, and for example, a shopping addict cannot look at a drug addict and say, "At least I'm not like THOSE people!" because they are exactly the same. Both addictions are harmful, and both people are struggling with coping through it.
This was a big moment for me, and since then I have never referred to any group negatively and separated them from myself like that. We are all a lot more alike than we are different.
2. When I was in 'To Kill a Mockingbird' in 9th grade, the last lines of the play were Scout saying something about how the enigmatic and seemingly creepy Boo Radley was actually really nice, and Atticus says, "Most people are, Scout, once you finally see them."
That play/book is absolutely beautiful, and really helped me become A) extremely interested in African American history, and B) it taught me never to judge others.
Day 16 - Something that you want to do within the next five years.
Move to NYC with my BFF Erin. Fall 2011. Stoked.
Day 17 - What you want to remembered for.
I want to be remembered for the love I showed other people, and the smiles I hopefully put on their faces. I want people to remember the good times they had with me, and to hopefully look at photos of us or notes I have written them and laugh because of some ridiculous inside joke or adventure we had. I want to be remembered as an advocate for radical love and hope.
Day 18 - A picture that makes you feel inspired.
This: http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l3kuhrl13W1qzu9iro1_1280.png?AWSAccessKeyId=0RYTHV9YYQ4W5Q3HQMG2&Expires=1278310664&Signature=uY%2BMiHu6TIjfZzR5ExWEQFVa%2Bi0%3D
Its a photo montage thing of an episode of Doctor Who. I wasn't the biggest fan of the actual episode, but the concept was great, and the fact that Starry Night is my favorite painting of all time made me really empathize with Van Gogh, and it was really inspiring to see that even someone who had no hope that his memory would live on after his passing was going to be remembered as one of the greatest artists of all time. It was a great 'What If' concept, which is something I tend to wonder about a lot.
Day 19 - A passage from a book that has touched you.
This is from Looking for Alaska by John Green. It gives me chills every single time.
"He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth.... If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless. ... But not knowing would not keep me from caring, and I would always love Alaska Young, my crooked neighbor, with all my crooked heart... She deverved better friends. ... she did not need to fold into herself and self-destruct. Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be... We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken... Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations... So I know she forgives me, just as I forgive her. Thomas Edison's last words were, 'Its very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is, but I believe its somewhere, and I hope its beautiful."
Day 20 - A band that you immediately liked and the song that made you like them.
The Avett Brothers. I & Love & You.
Day 21 - Your favorite medium of art.
Photography is great, as are paintings.
Day 22 - Someone you would give your life up for without question.
Any and all of my wonderful friends.
Day 23 - Most awkward first impression you feel you’ve ever given.
hahaha!! WELL today when Erin, Tyler, Cat and I hid under my bed from Sarai and her uncle and grandparents.. That was probably at least a ridiculously awkward first impression!
Day 24 - Something you did as a child that other people remember you for.
My friend Lydia remembers me for teaching her to swim. I had completely forgotten about this, but when I fb friended her a few months ago she reminded me of it. :) She was 2 or 3 years younger than me and I believe I taught her to swim when I was in 3rd grade.
Day 25 - Something you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail.
Star on Broadway. (If by "wouldn't fail" you mean "were talented")
Day 26 - Your definition of love.
No one says it better than Jesus- Greater love hath no man than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends.
Here is a good quote about it:
“Love is a temporary madness; you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”
-Louis de Bernieres
Day 27 - Your definition of the meaning of life.
Life is about finding those people who you cannot ever conceivably part from and being happy and bringing joy and the hope and love of Christ to those around you. Life is about taking a journey through a thick forest where nothing makes sense until you slowly find people with flash lights, and moving closer to each other to see each other in the dark.
Life is about growth and connection, and making a melody out of chaos.
Day 28 - A moment you remember being completely happy.
One night at the beginning of the summer when Erin was over and we were sitting on the floor in Sarai's room and Erin & I had just been wrestling (aka I was being thrown around and sat upon) and I was of course in some sort of pain so I whined about it to Erin and I put my arm around her back, and she did the same and was scratching my back, and she does.
Basically any hug-like situations are bliss for me.
Day 29 - What you live for.
Jesus, friends, family, adventure, joy, experience, emotion, discovery... Lots of things.
Day 30 - Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days.
I have become more independent I think. Slightly less passive. More realistic about my impending transition to adulthood and financial independence. And more in touch with who I am and who my friends are.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)