before you, my life was a moonless night;

I have been feeling really alone lately.

I don't know what this stemmed from.. okay actually that's a lie. I totally do. But it doesn't matter anymore. It was stupid and emo.
And I wrote some stupid/emo blogs over the past couple days that I will not be posting because I am well aware that they are stupid & emo!

However, I am feeling a lot better now, a lot more whole, a lot more needed and loved and important.
Today was a fantastic day.

Anyway, Sarai, my adorable little summer roommate and amazing friend, wrote this blog post recently, and it PERFECTLY EXPLAINS the EXACT same insecurities that I have. Here it is:

"Sometimes I worry that I'll never be good enough or funny enough or awesome enough for some people and I wonder if people are bored with me or that I'm too emotional for them or that I'm not emotional enough or that I'm not interesting enough or that I don't care enough and sometimes I wish people would say these things to me because if there's one thing I hate more than anything it's not being told people's true feelings. And sometimes I wonder why I never seem to be the one that's loved the most or if it's all in my head or if all this really is real and I wonder why I'm never the first in anyone's life and why I'm never good enough and if it's just a mood swing or if it's me but then I worry I'll never know cause they'll never tell me because they don't care enough to tell me the truth and just want to keep me happy."

(I have bolded the parts that I most relate to.)
And she and I have the same personality type (ENFJ, but Sarai is actually borderline between ENFJ and ENTJ), so that explains why our inner workings are so similar.
ANYWAY, that is exactly how I've been feeling the past few days.

And I think part of it is due to my dad's health and me being worried about that.
(Speaking of which, my dad has an appointment at the fancy, out of town hospital for the beginning of August. Apparently that is the soonest they can get him in, but my mom is worried and wants to try and move up the appointment. Your continued prayers for that are immensely appreciated.)

And part of it is that most of my friends are geographically far away at the moment, and the ones who aren't are on completely different schedules than me and don't live near me so its difficult to find time to play.

I just miss everyone constantly.

And I haven't gotten to have a heart-to-heart conversation with anyone in a really long time about my life. I am really bad at those, and Taylor (God bless her)is one of the only people I will subject my venting fits to, because she is just that patient and I never worry that I'll bore her. So yeah. That has been missing from my life and causing me to take in all my feelings and inevitably over-analyze everything and its just basically a disaster when I can't talk to people about things like that.

So if you've been around me and I've seemed unstable or grumpy or quiet.. that's probably the reason.

See, the thing is, I am completely in love with my friends. COMPLETELY IN LOVE. You people have no idea how much I adore you.

Like little Sarai here. Basically everything she does is adorable just because its her. And she has become a staple in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And my love Erin, who's (rough draft) novel I have just recently gotten around to reading, and it is EPIC MOFO GOOD. I am immensely proud of her (for that, and for many other reasons). And she is going to be the next J.K. Rowling/Stephanie Meyer/John Green. And children are going to write fanfic about her stories. And we are going to sit on our fire escape balcony and read it to our cats.

And Jamie, who is spending the summer where she goes to school, and is just having fun and hanging out with her boyfriend. I am really happy for her. He is a great guy and a great fit for her in terms of personality and such. They are a cute couple. :)

I could go on, but I'll spare you.

But because I love everyone so much, I get weird whenever I feel like my feelings are not reciprocated. Because each of my close friends leads me to places I cannot see on my own. They bring me joy and light and freedom. And they make me want to journey into the Great Perhaps and leave behind my minor life of monotonous certainty in search of grander maybes, and assure me that it will be okay.

You all have made me irretrievably different.

But then when no one is around, and its just me, I feel perhapsless. Purposeless. Like I have been left in the labyrinth of life with no one to hold on to..

So, when you go
if you go
(please don't go)
I'll be stuck in the labyrinth
and I'll never know if you took the straight & fast way out..
if you left me on purpose..

People have a tendency to come into my life and make me irretrievably different and change my moonless night into a sky brimming with stars,
and then they disappear
with no explanation.
And the stars fade (just like that episode of Doctor Who).

So, now, I am constantly worried that it will happen again.
That is why I am so terrified that I am too boring for people.
Because I'm afraid they'll just walk away.

...

But I am happier now.
Today I decided to be happier
because it is not worth it to be anything other than happy and grateful.

And there is no way I'm going to be ready for my midterm on Tuesday, but whatever. Today has been fantastic.

Also, this was really long. So, you're amazing if you've made it through.
(& I hope SOMEONE recognized my 'Looking for Alaska' references ;D )

And I hope that if you read this, you are assured that A) I love you, B) I am a ridiculous mofo and C) I ramble a lot.