-Something you can’t stop thinking about.
my future, the immediate and the distant.
-What you would do if you had all the money in the world.
travel all the time.. get a really amazing Manhattan apartment and a private jet.. save the world.. haha
-What you think you’re most talented at.
watching shows, daydreaming, memorizing song lyrics
-The list of things you always travel with.
depends what is meant by "travel" but I always carry around my phone, wallet, keys, various pens/sharpies, sticky notes, all in my purse. sometimes my ipod as well.
-Three people you would take to Wonderland.
haha.. hmm. Mariska Hargitay, Ice-T, Chris Meloni. I think that would make for a good adventure.
-The last thing you were scared about.
nothing valid.. watching SVU before I go to sleep makes me a bit paranoid though. haha.
-Favorite eye color on the preferred sex.
eye color is not a big deal to me..
-If you would marry the person you are dating/have a crush on.
there are many people I would marry. But I am single and not really crushing on anyone either. My mind is on other things right now.
-What comes to your mind when you think about happiness.
frolicking in a field, frolicking on a beach, being carefree, having someone to love and someone who loves you
-Describe a person who has hurt you before.
many have.. I dunno. this is a weird question.
-A band that changed you and why.
a band. uhm. I don't think there is such a band. Several celebrities have changed me, none of whom belong to bands though. The closest to that would be Bernadette Peters.
-Your favorite holiday.
Valentine's Day.
-A reason you wouldn’t kill yourself.
I want to make a difference
-Whether you think most things are worth the risk, or if consequences always outweigh risks.
depends on what the risk is. there are situations where both is possible.
-If you like to cuddle.
yep
-Would you change anything about your life right now?
not necessarily. I just wish I had more motivation & a clearer direction for my life
-Where you see yourself in 40 years.
gosh I have no idea.. I hope that by then I will be successful and happy and have made a difference in the world, no matter how small.
-Something you miss.
performing
-Your favorite thing to do with your significant other outside of sex.
forever alone
-Your description and opinion of cheating.
i think its a bad idea.
-What was the best date you ever had?
Well, that one time I went to that Turkish restaurant was pretty fun.. not a huge fan of the food though. nothing amazing. One other time I went to that movie Red with some dude, not a huge fan of the guy but the movie was great! haha
-A recurring dream you have, or just one that has stuck with you.
nothing recurring. my dreams are always insane extensions of reality though.. like I am in a place I know with people I know and crazy stuff happens
-What you think when you look in the mirror.
basically just "oh well"
-The best advice you’ve ever been given.
lots. one thing that sticks out to me is something Stacy London said to me when I met her the first time.. "YOU can change your life." That's what Oprah always says too.. "you've always had the power" which is from the Wizard of Oz.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
SVU fanfic;
Alex sipped from her martini glass, letting out a contented sigh as she set it carefully onto the coaster in front of her. "I thought we'd never get him," she remarked. Olivia looked towards her, surprised, "Shows how much you trust us. Novak never doubted our work." Olivia grinned and took a sip of her drink.
"Oh come on Olivia," Alex turned towards her, "the case has been cold for three years because O'Donnell fled the state! We only got him because his job shipped him back to New York. It was pure dumb luck, and you know it."
"Alex I'm shocked. Three years ago we were inches away from closing this case until the confession got thrown out. That was the DA's fault, not ours."
"You mean not Elliot's. Olivia, I know you and he were close, I was just as much his friend as the rest of you, but you can't keep covering for him. He's gone. Its over."
"Why are you bringing this up?! Our perp is caught. He's spending the rest of his life in prison. And instead of being glad we caught him you're attacking Elliot because we didn't get this guy sooner."
There was a pause. Alex could see Olivia's worry and pain over Elliot's sudden disappearance from the precinct and her life. No one had ever told her why. Why did he leave?- they could have gotten through it. Would she see him again?
Alex could see she had stepped too far. "I'm sorry Olivia. I.. I know that I didn't get to know him as well as you did or even as well as Casey did. I'll just keep doing my job and you do yours." Olivia looked down at her drink. "Goodnight, Liv."
Olivia feigned a smile, "Goodnight Alex."
ADA Cabot grabbed her purse from the stool beside her and exited the bar. Olivia gulped her drink slowly, wishing she didn't have to spend the evening alone.
It was Christmas Eve.
"One more Charlie, then I'm out of here," the girl said as she sat down, leaving one stool at the bar between herself and Olivia.
She looked rather young, and Olivia wondered if she were of legal age. The girl saw Olivia's concern and let out a mused giggle. "Its okay. I'm 21. And anyway its club soda."
The bartender slid a glass towards her. "I'm cutting you off after this one Lor."
"Oh shut up Charlie you know I don't even drink. Plus I am so game for that exam tomorrow."
"You always are! I wish I had your brains."
"Yeah and I wish I had your cash flow!"
The two smiled and Charlie went back to work. Loren pulled the newspaper out from the pages of her spiral notebook and noticed the story on the front page. "Whoa," she turned to her left, "You're Olivia Benson, the detective! I read about you guys all the time in The Ledger!"
"Yes I am," she said, surprised, "Good to meet you." Olivia reached out her hand, and the girl shook it with a grin.
"I'm Loren. I'm a senior over at Hudson.. planning to go to law school next year at Columbia. I uh.. I admire you a lot.. you and everyone at SVU. You do amazing work. I've read about your close rates! Maybe someday I'll be your ADA."
"Maybe you will," Olivia smiled slightly and took a sip of her drink.
Loren could sense the awkwardness.. "Sorry.. I... sometimes I talk too much. I'll leave you alone." She began to leave.
"Wait," Olivia turned back towards her. "I'm sorry, its just been a long day. A long week actually. I'm not myself. Please, sit."
"Thanks," Loren smiled.
The two sat in silence for a moment. Olivia looked over at the young college student. "So, what makes you so interested in special victims unit? And more importantly, what is a college student like yourself doing in a bar alone on Christmas Eve?"
"I decided to stay in town for Christmas," she stated frankly.
"Parents far away?"
"Long Island.. but there's just.. not much to go home to. Anyway, you asked about my interest in SVU.. so do you want the long version or the short version?"
Olivia shrugged, "I'm in no hurry." She gazed at Loren sincerely, put down her glass and clasped her hands in front of her.
Loren placed her glass slowly onto the counter. "I left my mom's house on my 14th birthday.. two months after I.." She took a breath, unsure whether or not to continue, but the look in Olivia's eyes told her that it was okay to be frank. ".. after I was raped. My uncle spent a lot of time doing odd jobs at our house, but the minute I hit puberty his eyes left our leaky faucet and went straight to mine if you know what I mean."
Olivia's eyes widened. "Sorry," said Lor, "I uh.. tend to be pretty blunt about things."
"Its alright," Olivia replied, "go on."
"Well, I had some money saved up from birthdays and Christmas and stuff, so I applied for this boarding high school upstate. I also applied for a scholarship, and need based grants. Said nothing to mom about it. She didn't care what I did. So I used my savings to buy a train ticket upstate. Worked my ass off at the school- thank God all my expenses there were covered with my scholarships and grants. So anyway I got this job on campus as a math tutor. Used the money from that to buy clothes and food on weekends. Then, I got accepted to Hudson with a lot of financial aid- otherwise I never could have afforded it. And here I am. I.." she paused, her eyes began to well up. "I never told anyone why I left or what happened to me. My uncle was the mayor."
Olivia's jaw dropped. "The mayor... Edwin Silva?!"
Loren nodded. "No one ever would have believed me.. especially not my mother. She was a drunk.. always yelling. Never sober, never in the real world."
Olivia slowly placed her hand on Loren's. "My mother was also an alcoholic."
Loren looked at Olivia with awe. Before she knew it, Loren was hugging her. Olivia stared straight ahead as the young woman's arms wrapped around her neck. She empathized with the honest vulnerability of this girl who had gone through so much. Olivia could see a lot of herself in Loren.
--------------------------------------------------
Almost 2 months had passed. Though Olivia had slipped Loren her card before leaving the bar that night, she had not heard from her. Olivia had returned to the bar at least once a week since, with colleagues usually, but no sign of her. Charlie, the bartender, said he had not heard from her either. Apparently he had no idea about her life outside of her occasional visits in for a club soda. It was as if the girl had disappeared.
The squad room was quiet that morning. Olivia sat sipping a steaming hot coffee- her third- while finishing up paperwork from the case she had closed the day prior. Times like this were rare at SVU. It seemed as if when one case ended, another began moments later.
"Want to go grab a bite? Looks like a slow day." Amaro asked Olivia, grabbing his coat off the back of his chair.
"Why not," Olivia replied. She placed the coffee cup on her desk and stood.
Before she could take one step, her cell phone rang. "Benson."
The phone crackled and she heard heavy breathing. "I have the girl. She knows you. You have 72 hours, or she dies." More crackling and static, then a thud and a girl's scream. Silence.
Olivia's eyes widened as she slowly lowered the phone from her ear. "Amaro...we have a case."
"What is it?"
"I.." Olivia blinked, then turned to her partner, "I don't know."
"Who was on the phone?"
"A man. I didn't recognize the voice. But he said "'I have the girl. She knows you.'"
"So.. we don't know who the girl is either."
"No idea. It could be anyone."
Fin had overheard all this from across the room. "But the perp called your cell. Has to be someone close enough to you to have that number."
Olivia sat back down. "My cell number is on my business cards... those get circulated all over the place. I give one to every victim, sometimes their families too."
"Okay, so it could be any of them. Any female who still had your contact information," Amaro added.
Munch chimed in, "What if the perp knows you too? Maybe that was his reason to call."
Detective Nick Amaro walked over to the whiteboard. "So for starters all we have is a male perp, female victim... one or both of them connected to Liv somehow. So we're thinking past cases? Previous victims?"
Olivia tried to piece together the little information they had, "So it has to be someone who either had my card on her or in her home when the perp got to her."
"Yeah," Munch said, eating Chinese food, "but the perp had to know you were a detective.. maybe a family of a victim we've helped.. guy turns on girl.. not too uncommon."
"Or someone we tried to help," Olivia's eyes fell to her desk. "We only have 72 hours."
"72 hours?" Fin was perplexed.
"To find her.."
Amaro and Fin exchanged concerned glances. Fin walked towards the case archive.
"Alright," he practically threw a box at Munch, "we're going to go through all the cases Liv worked on in the past 2 years.. call everybody. Get whereabouts of the females. Whoever this girl is, we're going to find her. I'm going to get someone in here to trace that phone call."
---------------------------------
Four hours passed.
Every phone call the team had made was fruitless thus far. All female victims accounted for, and reported no problems or strange activity in their families. It was looking like a dead end.
Rollins hung up after another strike out. "Liv, anyone else who could have your card or your number? Maybe family, friends?"
Olivia thought for a moment. "I don't talk to any extended family.. so I doubt they'd have my cell."
"And friends?" she asked.
Olivia shook her head, "You're looking at them."
Rollins nodded knowingly and went back to his endless phone calls.
Moments later, Fin appeared with a man from computer crimes.
"Got anything on that phone call?" Munch asked.
"Let me guess," Olivia said, "disposable cell."
"True," said the man, "but I did get this. I was able to increase the volume of the background noise after cutting out your caller's voice. Listen to this:"
The detectives leaned in close to the computer and heard loud static. "Here it comes," he said. They leaned closer. Olivia held her breath. The sounds of breathing got louder, then a soft moan. "Don't," a girl's voice cried softly, "she didn't... she doesn't deserve this... I.." Then a slap. Whimpering. "Oh God.. why. Olivia." The voice trailed off and then there were sounds of soft crying. Then the thud, scream, and then it was over.
Olivia listened to all this wracking her brain for the possible identity of this poor girl. She turned quickly towards her partner. "I know that voice."
"Yeah?" Fin waited.
"I know I've heard that girl's voice. Did you hear how she said my name? Oh-livia."
"Yeah.. so?"
"Everyone else pronounces it Uh-livia. This girl.. I have spoken to her before.. I remember her. .. I just don't remember.. "
Olivia sat back at her desk, disappointed and frustrated with herself for not remembering.
Cragen walked out of his office holding a newspaper. The image on the front page caught Olivia's eye.. she could not look away. She leapt from her chair and grabbed the paper. "Where's the fire?" Cragen was surprised.
Olivia unfolded the paper to look at the cover story. "Former NYC Mayor Silva: facing charges for pedophilia." The case on Edwin Silva had closed two weeks prior by Brooklyn SVU. It was set to begin trial the next day. Silva had retired in Brooklyn and been convicted of molesting his maid's daughter after Mrs. Silva had caught him in the act.
Olivia speed read the story, her mind was racing. "The girl. I know who she is. Loren."
"Who's Loren? Silva was caught molesting Tiana Hernandez."
"No.. Silva is a repeat offender. Where is he now?! He has Loren. He is the one who called! He must be!"
Olivia's fellow detectives stared blankly at her, not knowing how to react. Olivia explained the whole thing.. how she had met Loren at the bar, how she looked so young but said she was 21.. how Silva had raped her when she was 13 and how she had left home and studied and worked and how was a student at Hudson hoping to be an attorney. The story made sense, "but its missing one thing," said Cragen. "Silva's set to start trial tomorrow.. why would he add fuel to the fire by committing another crime?"
"He knew he would be getting 25 to life.. why not? It makes sense. Maybe he saw that Loren had my card and thought she had tipped off the wife..? If she was his first victim, maybe he blames her."
Huang had been listening from the far corner of the room while sipping coffee calmly and quietly. "It does make sense. A lot actually. If he thought it was over for him anyway- ruined marriage, soiled reputation- then he may well have done something extreme."
Cragen looked to Olivia, "Bring him in."
-----------------------------------------------
Eight hours gone.
Olivia and Amarro sat on the couch in the pristine Silva residence. Olivia surveyed the area- looking at pictures on the walls, family photos, hoping to see something that would lead her to Loren.
Before she could snoop too much, Mrs. Silva walked into the room with a tea tray. "I don't know why you're looking for him here," Mrs. Silva said, "I haven't talked to the bastard since the day I caught him with that little girl."
"Mrs. Silva," Olivia began.
"Please, call me Noreen. I'm changing back to my maiden name anyway- McAllister."
"Is that Loren's last name?"
"Loren.. troubled young girl. Her mother, my sister, never knew what to do with her."
"Loren told me her mother was a drunk."
"Well," Noreen blushed slightly, "Sylvia did have her problems with the bottle now and then.. but I never saw any signs of abuse.."
"Being an alcoholic is all consuming. My mother was one. I know what its like."
Noreen placed her cup carefully on a coaster on the coffee table in front of her. "I'm sorry to hear that.. but Loren ran away from her mother when she was only 14. The girl had problems of her own that had nothing to do with my sister."
Olivia put her clasped hands on her knees and leaned closer to Noreen. "Noreen.. are you aware that Edwin raped Loren seven years ago?"
"Raped!" Noreen was shocked. "I had no idea! That was his niece. I always thought he was trying to help her- he'd talk about setting aside money for her college.. taking her to Paris with us.. he loved that little girl."
Olivia's gaze pierced into Noreen. "Or at least I thought he did.."
Olivia and Nick headed to the car.. "So no one knows where he is," Olivia stated.
"Only one who might is his lawyer, and we know she's not going to talk."
"No kidding," Olivia agreed, "So now where do we look?"
Nick's phone rang, "Amarro."
As soon as he hung up, Olivia spoke, "So?"
"That was Rollins. They found Mr. Silva."
--------------------------------------------
Back at the station, Munch and Fin grilled Silva.
Olivia and Amarro walked into the squad room and Olivia thrust her coat upon her chair without a pause. "Where'd you find him?"
Rollins walked towards her. "You'll never believe this. We got him at the Grand Hotel on 85th.. with a hooker. Couldn't have been older than 16."
"Wow.. get anything out of him yet?"
"He claims he hasn't seen Loren since her 14th birthday. We got him to admit to the rape, but without a complaining witness we won't have a case."
Olivia looked over at Cragen, who was observing Munch and Fin at work. "I want a crack at him."
Cragen could see that Olivia was not going to take no for an answer. "Go for it."
------------------------------------------
Three hours later, after close to 24 were lost, Silva had gotten them nowhere. He denied all allegations about Loren, and Huang was beginning to believe him.
Cragen pulled Olivia out of the grilling room. "Cut him loose," said the ADA.
"Why?! He is lying! He has to have Loren somewhere, and in 48 hours she's going to die."
"I don't think he does," Huang chimed in, "he has nothing left to lose at this point- he is facing other charges, he knows he's going to jail for the rest of his life. Sleeping with the prostitute at that hotel was his way of a last hurrah- I don't think he has Loren."
"Alright," Olivia conceded, "then who does?"
---------------------------------------
Any familial involvement had been eliminated from the case.
27 hours gone.
Amaro and Rollins had both caught about 2 hours of sleep in the crib, but Olivia was chugging coffee and pressing on. She would not rest until this case was closed.
She and Fin tracked down some friends of Loren's at Hudson, and were now searching her small dorm room. Olivia dug through desk drawers full of papers, pens, pencils, books, electronics. No organization whatsoever, and not even a hint of where she might be, or who might have her captive.
"What's going on here?" a girl walked in carrying a brown leather shoulder bag. Her blonde wavy hair hung to just below her shoulders, and her bright blue eyes stood out amid-st her pale complexion and a few light freckles around her nose.
"I'm Detective Benson this is Detective Tutuola- we're here investigating the disappearance of your roommate, Loren."
"Loren's gone?!"
Fin turned towards her from the closet, "She's your roommate. You didn't notice she was gone?"
"I never really see her.. she's never here on weekends or when I come back at night. She always comes back way late- seems like a hardcore partier but all she ever talks about is wanting to be a lawyer and help people. Weird. Now can I please have some privacy?!"
"Not until we find what we're looking for," Olivia stated flatly.
"So uh.. what ARE you looking for?"
Fin opened the closet door, "We'll know when we find it."
"Whatever." The girl tossed her bag onto the floor, kicked off her pink pumps, and sat at her desk.
Olivia looked over, "Do you have any idea where Loren was spending all her time?"
"I told you," she rolled her eyes, "Girl is a total skank. Always partying."
"How do you know she was partying?"
"We're in college.. where else does anyone go that late at night?"
"Fin look at this," Olivia gestured to a large posterboard tacked to the wall above Loren's desk.. newspaper clippings of cases SVU had closed.. articles about law- several mentioning former ADA Casey Novak, pictures of Paris, London, Rome, cut out words... "'Free,' 'compassion,' 'admire,' 'happiness', 'joy.' This doesn't seem to me like a girl who spends her nights out on the town. When I met her she seemed so innocent and sincere."
"Come on Liv," Fin replied, "she's in college. All kids party in college. Its natural."
Olivia shook her head and continued looking for something that might be of help.
Fin pushed all the hanging clothes to one side, and as he looked down, noticed a large blue tupperware container standing up on end, making it further concealed when clothes hung in front of it. He pulled it from the closet and opened the lid.. "Whoa," he said, picking up one item at a time.
"What is it?" Olivia walked towards him and knelt down.
The blonde turned sharply to see what was going on behind her, "Oh my God! I told you! A total skank."
Fin took out each item of barely-there cloting and pair of high heeled shoes and Olivia studied it with eyes wide. "This is not the wardrobe of a normal college girl..." she said, worried.
Fin replied, "Looks like Loren might be moonlighting as a hooker."
-------------------
That night, Munch, Fin and Amaro took to the streets, canvassing every well known prostitution area, showing Loren's picture to every working girl they came across.
After three hours, with 35 gone, the identity of Loren's pimp was discovered.
"Yeah her daddy is Mad Money Max. But you didn't hear that from me. Hangs out at the diner on 63rd and Broadway."
------------------------
Olivia walked into the diner with fire in her eyes. She had so only about 18 hours to find Loren, or... her mind would not let her think of that. She was going to find her. She had to.
"They call you Mad Money Max?" Fin approached the pimp, placing a firm hand on his shoulder.
Max puffed smoke from his cigar, and let out a small cough as he replied, "Depends on who's asking."
Olivia held up her badge, "Detective Olivia Benson."
Fin got straight to the point, "Where's Loren?!"
"Don't know any Loren."
Olivia immediately came closer and began putting Max in handcuffs, "Alright. Maxwell Atwood, you're under arrest for the kidnapping of Loren McAllister. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can & will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney- if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you."
-------------------------
Back at the station, Olivia walked into the interrogation room with confidence and anger in her eyes. She held the case file, and was not planning to leave the room until Max had told her EVERYTHING about Loren's whereabouts, and what he had done to her. Amaro entered following her, and stood against the wall as she sat in the chair across from their suspect.
"So.. Maxwell Atwood. I hear you're pretty big and bad on the streets. This one of your girls?" Olivia thrust the picture of Loren towards him.
"Yeah.. that's Loren. She's one of my finest.. Sexy little thing."
"Hey!" Olivia began to yell, but held back her rage.
"What, bitch?! She's legal."
Amaro approached rapidly, pulling Max's head back by grabbing a handful of his hair. "Listen, Max. We don't have time for your games. We just want to know where Loren is, and what you did to her."
"What're you talkin' about man?! I ain't done nothin' to her. I told you she brings in the dough. You think I'd do somethin' to change that?!"
"I think," Olivia spoke again, "you wanted her all to yourself. So you kidnapped her, raped her, tortured her.. anything to keep her in your grasp."
"That's bullshit!"
"Where were you yesterday morning around 11?"
"Asleep... Late nights, late mornings."
"Got anyone to confirm that?"
"Sure.." Max grinned, "got my girl Willow.. she was laying next to me."
Olivia sighed, "We're going to need Willow's phone number."
--------------------------------
When the two detectives walked out of the room, Rollins, who had been observing along with Cragen and Munch, decided to speak. "I don't think its him..."
"Neither do I. It doesn't make sense that he would give up the revenue Loren brings in on the streets.."
"Yeah," Cragen added, "but he's our only lead. Liv, what else have we got?"
"Well, we've cleared family.. we spoke to Loren's roommate and other acquaintances at Hudson, no one seems to have any ideas."
"No one knows about the double-life either..," said Amaro, "brilliant pre-law student by day.."
"..seedy hooker by night."
"It still doesn't make sense to me," Olivia leaned against the wall, "When I met Loren, she was just so sweet and sincere. Why would she be living a double life?"
"Maybe she didn't get as much scholarship money as she said," Rollins replied.
"Paying for college with street money," said Munch, "there's got to be an easier way."
Cragen noticed the time. Only 12 hours remained. "Is there anyone else who might know how to find this girl? Liv, think back through every step we've taken on this case.. anyone who interacted with her regularly is now a suspect."
"What did Loren do in her free time?" Rollins asked.
Olivia's eyes widened. "Charlie.."
Munch turned towards her, "Who's Charlie?"
"Charlie the bartender. He was there when I met Loren- he knew her. She called him by name. They were friendly. I've been back there since then, often.. He's been there every time but she hasn't."
"Maybe they had a falling out?" Amaro suggested.
"Or something more.." With that, Olivia was off. She grabbed her coat from her desk and headed towards the elevators.
Fin looked to the Captain, who nodded. "I'll get the car, Liv!" Fin pulled the keys from his pocket and walked quickly towards the back staircase of the precinct.
----------------------------------------
The squad car pulled up to the bar, and Olivia ran out, leaving Fin in the driver's seat. She anticipated that they would have to relocate quickly and did not want to waste any time.
Upon entrance, she noticed an unfamiliar face tending the bar.. "Where's Charlie?!" she demanded, leaning over the counter.
"Lady, have a seat. I'll be with you in a second."
"Hey pal," she held up her badge, "I'll ask one more time. Where the hell is Charlie?"
"He ain't working today. Probably at his apartment."
"I'm going to need his address... and a phone number."
As soon as she had gotten Charlie's information, Olivia raced out to the car and immediately called Amaro at the precinct. "Hey Nick, I'm texting you Charlie's cell number, I need you to call and trace it. We're on our way to his apartment, but I'm guessing he's going to be MIA."
"Got it," Amaro replied. "I'm ready with the tracing software. Calling the number now..." There was a short pause as the phone rang. Rollins was going to be acting as Charlie's caller. She heard him answer, short of breath, "Hello?"
Amanda spoke sweetly, "Hey. Is this Joshua's phone?"
"Uh no.. this is Charlie. And you are?"
Olivia's heartbeat quickened. Fin floored the gas pedal as the siren bellowed. Amaro typed furiously as the software tracked down the phone's location."
"Well that's close enough," Rollins sweet-talked him, "you looking for a good time too, Charlie?"
"I uh.."
"Oh come on baby, you know you want to say yes."
Amaro's eyes lit up, "Got it. He's in Jackson Heights. Sending you the address now."
"Got it, thanks." Olivia hung up the phone and saw the Queens address, "only 2 blocks from his apartment."
----------------------------------
The car skidded to a stop in front of the building. It was an old brownstone, now abandoned. Boards covered the windows, and a condemned notice was pasted on the front door. Blue and whites were already there, yielding guns, ready to back up Olivia and Fin. The partners exited the car, wearing bullet proof vests, and guns in hand. Fin turned to Olivia, "You ready?
Olivia nodded.. the two approached the door slowly and quietly. The blue & whites were instructed to stay back.
When they got to the door, Fin and Olivia looked at each other, and with one smooth kick, Olivia got the door wide open. They stealthily walked in the door, holding guns outstretched, checking around every corner for signs of life.
They parted ways, Olivia going right, through the kitchen, crawling with cockroaches, and Fin going left, through the living room with several rotten floor boards. Olivia got to the back of the house.. there was a locked door. She could hear something.. soft whimpering.. coming from the other side. She yelled, "Fin!"
He came running and immediately cut the lock open. The door swung open.
Loren.
She was sitting on the floor.. hands tied behind her back and a gag tied around her head, holding her mouth open. Her hair was matted.. her black halter top revealed cuts and bruises on her shoulders, and even more on her bare legs below her neon green skirt. Panties were on the floor, across the room. There was a dampness on her skirt, between her legs- she had been raped, again. Tears streamed down her face as she looked up at Olivia.
Fin untied her quickly, but Olivia was frozen.
Moments later, as Fin was helping Loren off the ground, a figure approached from the shadows behind Olivia. "Liv!" fin yelled, looking to the person behind her.
Olivia turned around instantly and saw Charlie standing directly behind her with a large kitchen knife. Olivia's gun was pointed directly at his chest.
"Put the knife down Charlie," Olivia coaxed him.
Loren clutched Fin's arm with terror in her eyes.
"No!" Charlie was impotent.
"Charlie listen to me. If you don't put down the knife, I'm going to pull the trigger. Now just put the knife down slowly, and we can all walk out of here alive." Charlie's hand shook.. he was caught. Suddenly, his knife wielding arm was being jerked behind him. Amaro placed the perp in handcuffs. Olivia looked to her new partner, "Get him out of here."
Amaro grabbed the knife from Charlie's hands, dropped it on the floor in front of him, and led the perp outside, "Charles Sutton, you're under arrest for the rape, assault and kidnapping of Loren McAllister. You have the right to remain silent..."
Olivia began to leave, but Loren's voice stopped her. "Olivia.. I'm sorry." The detective stopped for a moment, but never turned back, and continued towards the front door.
Loren's tears overtook her, she sobbed, resting her head on Fin's chest. "Let's go," he said softly.
--------------------------------------
Loren laid in her hospital bed, awake, but motionless. Her phone rang.
She sighed when she saw the caller ID, "Hey Max."
"Girl why the police all over me?! They were looking for you- where you at?!"
"I uh.. in the hospital now."
"STD?!"
"No!.. I got into a bad situation with this guy and.. whatever. I'm fine."
"When you coming back to work then?"
"I don't think I can, Max."
"What?!"
"I can't.. I'm not coming back. I'm going to find a real job."
"Yeah right.. you'll never make the dough you get wit' Mad Money!"
"I don't care Max. We're done." Loren hung up the phone and tossed it onto the chair beside her bed. She sighed, and continued staring out the window.
Loren closed her eyes, but just as she was falling asleep, there was a soft knock on the door. Loren rolled over to face the door. She rubbed her eyes, "Olivia."
"How you feeling?"
"Okay I guess. Thanks for saving me. I know I.."
"I'm just here to take your statement," Olivia said, getting out her pad & pencil, "Can you tell me what happened?"
Loren looked at the ceiling. "I was.. working.. Friday night. It was getting really late. I was going to do one more and then call it a night. I was walking down the street when suddenly someone grabbed me.. He covered my mouth and told me not to scream. He had a knife to my throat. He made me drink something... I must have blacked out because the next thing I remember is being in that room with him. He was touching me all over... all of a sudden he pulled my underwear off and hiked up my skirt. He raped me. I was screaming and crying and yelling for him to stop." She had been holding back tears, which finally overtook her. She wept. "He.. he was my friend! I.. I didn't want it to be ruined if he found out what I did.. I had to keep it a secret. But this is all my fault, I..."
"Loren, this is not your fault. You are the victim here," Olivia said softly. "Now, go on."
"After he raped me, he started hitting me.. with anything that was nearby; boards, my own shoes.. that's when he found out I had your business card. I kept it.. ever since you gave it to me. It fell out of my purse and he saw it. Thought it would be funny to send you on a wild goose chase I guess.. I begged him not to, the whole time.. that's when he pushed me back and slammed my head against the floor and I screamed ... And then he just left. I don't know how long he was gone. I didn't know if he was coming back at all, but he took my phone, and I didn't know... I thought maybe he was still in the house, that he could kill me if I tried to leave... So I waited. I was finally getting up the courage to try and escape when he came back. I was trying to get out the window when he came in. He pulled me back and shoved me onto the ground. Raped me again and hit me across the face for trying to escape. He left the room, locked the door... that's when I heard you guys get there."
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Back at the precinct, Fin and Rollins had Charlie in an interrogation room- his state appointed attorney sat beside him. Alex Cabot walked in the door, holding her briefcase, "I've got arraignment scheduled for 9am tomorrow. Our case is rock solid, you're going down Charlie."
"We want a deal!" the lawyer pleaded.
"The only thing close to a deal you'll get is the CHANCE of parole after serving the sentence for each charge consecutively- plead guilty. Sign a confession." She shoved paper and pen towards him.
Charlie looked towards the attorney, who nodded. They both knew it was the best they would get.
Charlie looked down, and began to speak, "Loren used to come to the bar all the time.. she'd sit there and study, drink her club soda. Occasionally she'd order fries or something. I liked her- she was so friendly, really cute.. funny. I asked her out one day. She said no; said she didn't have time to date because of school and stuff. I was upset, but I got it. Couple weeks later I was out with some friends, we went to a club.. stopped at a light and I noticed some girls- hookers- on the sidewalk. And there she was. Loren. Walking the streets, sleeping with any guy who walked her way. And I'm sitting there like a chump. I actually liked Loren- I wanted to be with her. And she tossed me aside so she'd have more time to screw these douche-bags on the street. I was pissed. Wanted to teach her a lesson..."
-----------------------------------------
It had been three days since Olivia took Loren's statement at the hospital. She was schedule to be released that night. No one from the precinct had talked to her since, so Rollins decided to stop by and see how she was feeling- and to let her know that Charlie would never hurt her or anyone else, ever again.
She walked into Loren's hospital room holding a chocolate bar and a get well card, the kind that sings when you open it.
The room was empty, a nurse walked in, with new linens to put on the bed.
"Where's Loren?" Rollins asked.
"Girl that was in here earlier- she checked herself out a few hours ago, early this morning! We wanted to hold her for until the evening for good measure, but she insisted. We couldn't make her stay."
"Any idea where she went?"
"She didn't say."
"Well, did anyone come get her?"
"She mentioned having to meet somebody.. Max? Thought maybe he was her boyfriend.."
"Thanks.." Rollins walked out the door, and immediately called Olivia.
"Benson," Olivia answered the phone.
"Hey Liv, I just went by to see Loren at the hospital."
"Yeah?"
"But she's not there. Checked herself out this morning."
"What?! Is she okay?"
"I hope so.. the nurse said she was going to see Max."
"Oh God," Olivia sighed, sitting at her desk.
"I know her case is closed now, so technically we're done here but.."
Olivia cut her off, "I'll find her."
"Thanks. I know that girl adores you."
Olivia smiled slightly, but was unsure how to feel, "Thanks."
------------------------------------
A few hours later, Olivia went to see Max. As she walked into the smokey hotel bar, he spotted her.
"Why Detective, didn't think you'd be back to see me! What can I do for you?"
"I'm looking for Loren," she said, standing above him.
He smoked a cigar, "Yeah.. she came to see me this morning. Gave me my cut."
"Where is she now?"
"Don't know.. we're done."
"What do you mean?"
"She broke off our business arrangement. Thinks she's going to find better work.. a 'real job'.."
Olivia's phone vibrated. It was a text from Fin, "Talked to the roommate.. no leads on where Loren is." Olivia needed to see her, "Do you have ANY idea where she would have gone?"
"Said she was going to think things over..." he said, putting out his cigar.
By the end of the day, there had been no sign of her. The precinct was quiet, and Craged exited his office. "Everybody go home, get some rest."
Amaro grabbed his coat, "Thanks Captain."
They all began to leave, slowly, when Rollins stopped Olivia. "Any word on Loren?"
"None.." Olivia was worried.
"I'm sure she'll turn up. Girl seems to have a good head on her shoulders."
Olivia nodded, "I hope so."
---------------------------------------
Instead of going straight home, Olivia decided to take a walk through Central Park. It was chilly, but not terribly cold, and the sunset was breathtaking in its haze of pinks and oranges and blues, all intermingled, bringing forth the night sky.
She held her Starbucks latte, sipping it slowly, strolling down the path and taking in the air. Olivia rarely got peaceful time alone like this, so she was breathing in every moment.
Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a figure sitting atop some large boulders in the distance.. She turned to face the person. The sun was almost entirely set, but the little bit of light still illuminating from it hit the figure's face as they turned to the side, grabbing the beverage from beside them. She knew that face. She approached, silently, until she was standing mere feet from the person.
"Nice night."
The person looked up, "Olivia!"
"Why'd you leave the hospital Loren?"
"I was fine.. and I needed to think."
"I heard you went to see Max," Olivia sat down beside her.
"Yeah. Gave him his money. Then deleted his number from my phone. I'm done with that life."
"I'm glad to hear that," Olivia sipped her latte.
"So what're you doing out here?"
Loren was wearing a light brown pea coat, and had a baby pink shaggy scarf wrapped around her neck. Her jeans were ripped, and Converse tennis shoes looked like they'd seen better days. She sipped her iced mocha. "I love it out here.. I always come out here to clear my head. Its the perfect view."
Loren gazed down upon the ice skating rink, and the bare trees. Above that, there was a skyline of buildings- their lights glittering out the windows.
"Its lovely," Olivia agreed.
They sat for a moment in silence. Loren spoke. "Olivia... I'm really sorry about everything. I know I made you think I was think awesome person when we met, and.. I really do want to be a lawyer. And I really look up to you. I always read these articles and its like.. you are the person who I want to be. But instead, I was a stupid whore. And now.. I don't know who I am."
Olivia turned to face Loren, "Loren, who do you think I am?"
Loren was unsure what to say at first. She thought... then shook her head. "Perfect. You catch the bad guys. You are a power house, you're kind, sincere.. and you saved my life. I just don't feel..."
"Worthy?" Olivia finished her sentence.
Loren looked at her and nodded. "I don't always feel worthy either. But it doesn't matter what happens to us, its how we respond to those things that matters."
Silence. Loren looked into the sunset.
"Loren, you were raped. Multiple times. You were betrayed by men in your life, men you trusted. You left home before most kids even know how to wash their own clothes! You're a survivor, and its a miracle you're still alive!" She paused. "You know. I can't imagine going through what you've gone through," Loren looked at her.
"I've been assaulted, but I've never been raped. And I've been slashed with a perp's knife, but never to the point where I was in the hospital for more than a night. Now all you have to do is decide what to do from here on out."
Tears began to fall from Loren's eyes. "I saw so much on the streets Olivia.. Awful things. I can't believe.."
Olivia stopped her, "That life is over for you now. You are more than that."
"How come you didn't talk to me after you guys found me?"
Olivia looked down at her cup.. "I guess I didn't know what to say. Loren, I've been at SVU for a long time. I guess.. when I found out you were a working girl, I was... disappointed and"
"I know," Loren said, "I misrepresented myself to you.. but no one knew. And nothing I told you was a lie."
Olivia nodded. "I know. And listen, if you ever need anything- anything at all," Olivia grabbed Loren's phone which was visible in her small purse, "I want you to call me," she said, entering her number into the phone.
"Thanks Olivia. I'm glad you found me."
Olivia grinned, "Me too."
The sky's pink and orange had faded into a purple, then the sun was gone and the crescent moon lit the sky. Silence.
"Oh come on Olivia," Alex turned towards her, "the case has been cold for three years because O'Donnell fled the state! We only got him because his job shipped him back to New York. It was pure dumb luck, and you know it."
"Alex I'm shocked. Three years ago we were inches away from closing this case until the confession got thrown out. That was the DA's fault, not ours."
"You mean not Elliot's. Olivia, I know you and he were close, I was just as much his friend as the rest of you, but you can't keep covering for him. He's gone. Its over."
"Why are you bringing this up?! Our perp is caught. He's spending the rest of his life in prison. And instead of being glad we caught him you're attacking Elliot because we didn't get this guy sooner."
There was a pause. Alex could see Olivia's worry and pain over Elliot's sudden disappearance from the precinct and her life. No one had ever told her why. Why did he leave?- they could have gotten through it. Would she see him again?
Alex could see she had stepped too far. "I'm sorry Olivia. I.. I know that I didn't get to know him as well as you did or even as well as Casey did. I'll just keep doing my job and you do yours." Olivia looked down at her drink. "Goodnight, Liv."
Olivia feigned a smile, "Goodnight Alex."
ADA Cabot grabbed her purse from the stool beside her and exited the bar. Olivia gulped her drink slowly, wishing she didn't have to spend the evening alone.
It was Christmas Eve.
"One more Charlie, then I'm out of here," the girl said as she sat down, leaving one stool at the bar between herself and Olivia.
She looked rather young, and Olivia wondered if she were of legal age. The girl saw Olivia's concern and let out a mused giggle. "Its okay. I'm 21. And anyway its club soda."
The bartender slid a glass towards her. "I'm cutting you off after this one Lor."
"Oh shut up Charlie you know I don't even drink. Plus I am so game for that exam tomorrow."
"You always are! I wish I had your brains."
"Yeah and I wish I had your cash flow!"
The two smiled and Charlie went back to work. Loren pulled the newspaper out from the pages of her spiral notebook and noticed the story on the front page. "Whoa," she turned to her left, "You're Olivia Benson, the detective! I read about you guys all the time in The Ledger!"
"Yes I am," she said, surprised, "Good to meet you." Olivia reached out her hand, and the girl shook it with a grin.
"I'm Loren. I'm a senior over at Hudson.. planning to go to law school next year at Columbia. I uh.. I admire you a lot.. you and everyone at SVU. You do amazing work. I've read about your close rates! Maybe someday I'll be your ADA."
"Maybe you will," Olivia smiled slightly and took a sip of her drink.
Loren could sense the awkwardness.. "Sorry.. I... sometimes I talk too much. I'll leave you alone." She began to leave.
"Wait," Olivia turned back towards her. "I'm sorry, its just been a long day. A long week actually. I'm not myself. Please, sit."
"Thanks," Loren smiled.
The two sat in silence for a moment. Olivia looked over at the young college student. "So, what makes you so interested in special victims unit? And more importantly, what is a college student like yourself doing in a bar alone on Christmas Eve?"
"I decided to stay in town for Christmas," she stated frankly.
"Parents far away?"
"Long Island.. but there's just.. not much to go home to. Anyway, you asked about my interest in SVU.. so do you want the long version or the short version?"
Olivia shrugged, "I'm in no hurry." She gazed at Loren sincerely, put down her glass and clasped her hands in front of her.
Loren placed her glass slowly onto the counter. "I left my mom's house on my 14th birthday.. two months after I.." She took a breath, unsure whether or not to continue, but the look in Olivia's eyes told her that it was okay to be frank. ".. after I was raped. My uncle spent a lot of time doing odd jobs at our house, but the minute I hit puberty his eyes left our leaky faucet and went straight to mine if you know what I mean."
Olivia's eyes widened. "Sorry," said Lor, "I uh.. tend to be pretty blunt about things."
"Its alright," Olivia replied, "go on."
"Well, I had some money saved up from birthdays and Christmas and stuff, so I applied for this boarding high school upstate. I also applied for a scholarship, and need based grants. Said nothing to mom about it. She didn't care what I did. So I used my savings to buy a train ticket upstate. Worked my ass off at the school- thank God all my expenses there were covered with my scholarships and grants. So anyway I got this job on campus as a math tutor. Used the money from that to buy clothes and food on weekends. Then, I got accepted to Hudson with a lot of financial aid- otherwise I never could have afforded it. And here I am. I.." she paused, her eyes began to well up. "I never told anyone why I left or what happened to me. My uncle was the mayor."
Olivia's jaw dropped. "The mayor... Edwin Silva?!"
Loren nodded. "No one ever would have believed me.. especially not my mother. She was a drunk.. always yelling. Never sober, never in the real world."
Olivia slowly placed her hand on Loren's. "My mother was also an alcoholic."
Loren looked at Olivia with awe. Before she knew it, Loren was hugging her. Olivia stared straight ahead as the young woman's arms wrapped around her neck. She empathized with the honest vulnerability of this girl who had gone through so much. Olivia could see a lot of herself in Loren.
--------------------------------------------------
Almost 2 months had passed. Though Olivia had slipped Loren her card before leaving the bar that night, she had not heard from her. Olivia had returned to the bar at least once a week since, with colleagues usually, but no sign of her. Charlie, the bartender, said he had not heard from her either. Apparently he had no idea about her life outside of her occasional visits in for a club soda. It was as if the girl had disappeared.
The squad room was quiet that morning. Olivia sat sipping a steaming hot coffee- her third- while finishing up paperwork from the case she had closed the day prior. Times like this were rare at SVU. It seemed as if when one case ended, another began moments later.
"Want to go grab a bite? Looks like a slow day." Amaro asked Olivia, grabbing his coat off the back of his chair.
"Why not," Olivia replied. She placed the coffee cup on her desk and stood.
Before she could take one step, her cell phone rang. "Benson."
The phone crackled and she heard heavy breathing. "I have the girl. She knows you. You have 72 hours, or she dies." More crackling and static, then a thud and a girl's scream. Silence.
Olivia's eyes widened as she slowly lowered the phone from her ear. "Amaro...we have a case."
"What is it?"
"I.." Olivia blinked, then turned to her partner, "I don't know."
"Who was on the phone?"
"A man. I didn't recognize the voice. But he said "'I have the girl. She knows you.'"
"So.. we don't know who the girl is either."
"No idea. It could be anyone."
Fin had overheard all this from across the room. "But the perp called your cell. Has to be someone close enough to you to have that number."
Olivia sat back down. "My cell number is on my business cards... those get circulated all over the place. I give one to every victim, sometimes their families too."
"Okay, so it could be any of them. Any female who still had your contact information," Amaro added.
Munch chimed in, "What if the perp knows you too? Maybe that was his reason to call."
Detective Nick Amaro walked over to the whiteboard. "So for starters all we have is a male perp, female victim... one or both of them connected to Liv somehow. So we're thinking past cases? Previous victims?"
Olivia tried to piece together the little information they had, "So it has to be someone who either had my card on her or in her home when the perp got to her."
"Yeah," Munch said, eating Chinese food, "but the perp had to know you were a detective.. maybe a family of a victim we've helped.. guy turns on girl.. not too uncommon."
"Or someone we tried to help," Olivia's eyes fell to her desk. "We only have 72 hours."
"72 hours?" Fin was perplexed.
"To find her.."
Amaro and Fin exchanged concerned glances. Fin walked towards the case archive.
"Alright," he practically threw a box at Munch, "we're going to go through all the cases Liv worked on in the past 2 years.. call everybody. Get whereabouts of the females. Whoever this girl is, we're going to find her. I'm going to get someone in here to trace that phone call."
---------------------------------
Four hours passed.
Every phone call the team had made was fruitless thus far. All female victims accounted for, and reported no problems or strange activity in their families. It was looking like a dead end.
Rollins hung up after another strike out. "Liv, anyone else who could have your card or your number? Maybe family, friends?"
Olivia thought for a moment. "I don't talk to any extended family.. so I doubt they'd have my cell."
"And friends?" she asked.
Olivia shook her head, "You're looking at them."
Rollins nodded knowingly and went back to his endless phone calls.
Moments later, Fin appeared with a man from computer crimes.
"Got anything on that phone call?" Munch asked.
"Let me guess," Olivia said, "disposable cell."
"True," said the man, "but I did get this. I was able to increase the volume of the background noise after cutting out your caller's voice. Listen to this:"
The detectives leaned in close to the computer and heard loud static. "Here it comes," he said. They leaned closer. Olivia held her breath. The sounds of breathing got louder, then a soft moan. "Don't," a girl's voice cried softly, "she didn't... she doesn't deserve this... I.." Then a slap. Whimpering. "Oh God.. why. Olivia." The voice trailed off and then there were sounds of soft crying. Then the thud, scream, and then it was over.
Olivia listened to all this wracking her brain for the possible identity of this poor girl. She turned quickly towards her partner. "I know that voice."
"Yeah?" Fin waited.
"I know I've heard that girl's voice. Did you hear how she said my name? Oh-livia."
"Yeah.. so?"
"Everyone else pronounces it Uh-livia. This girl.. I have spoken to her before.. I remember her. .. I just don't remember.. "
Olivia sat back at her desk, disappointed and frustrated with herself for not remembering.
Cragen walked out of his office holding a newspaper. The image on the front page caught Olivia's eye.. she could not look away. She leapt from her chair and grabbed the paper. "Where's the fire?" Cragen was surprised.
Olivia unfolded the paper to look at the cover story. "Former NYC Mayor Silva: facing charges for pedophilia." The case on Edwin Silva had closed two weeks prior by Brooklyn SVU. It was set to begin trial the next day. Silva had retired in Brooklyn and been convicted of molesting his maid's daughter after Mrs. Silva had caught him in the act.
Olivia speed read the story, her mind was racing. "The girl. I know who she is. Loren."
"Who's Loren? Silva was caught molesting Tiana Hernandez."
"No.. Silva is a repeat offender. Where is he now?! He has Loren. He is the one who called! He must be!"
Olivia's fellow detectives stared blankly at her, not knowing how to react. Olivia explained the whole thing.. how she had met Loren at the bar, how she looked so young but said she was 21.. how Silva had raped her when she was 13 and how she had left home and studied and worked and how was a student at Hudson hoping to be an attorney. The story made sense, "but its missing one thing," said Cragen. "Silva's set to start trial tomorrow.. why would he add fuel to the fire by committing another crime?"
"He knew he would be getting 25 to life.. why not? It makes sense. Maybe he saw that Loren had my card and thought she had tipped off the wife..? If she was his first victim, maybe he blames her."
Huang had been listening from the far corner of the room while sipping coffee calmly and quietly. "It does make sense. A lot actually. If he thought it was over for him anyway- ruined marriage, soiled reputation- then he may well have done something extreme."
Cragen looked to Olivia, "Bring him in."
-----------------------------------------------
Eight hours gone.
Olivia and Amarro sat on the couch in the pristine Silva residence. Olivia surveyed the area- looking at pictures on the walls, family photos, hoping to see something that would lead her to Loren.
Before she could snoop too much, Mrs. Silva walked into the room with a tea tray. "I don't know why you're looking for him here," Mrs. Silva said, "I haven't talked to the bastard since the day I caught him with that little girl."
"Mrs. Silva," Olivia began.
"Please, call me Noreen. I'm changing back to my maiden name anyway- McAllister."
"Is that Loren's last name?"
"Loren.. troubled young girl. Her mother, my sister, never knew what to do with her."
"Loren told me her mother was a drunk."
"Well," Noreen blushed slightly, "Sylvia did have her problems with the bottle now and then.. but I never saw any signs of abuse.."
"Being an alcoholic is all consuming. My mother was one. I know what its like."
Noreen placed her cup carefully on a coaster on the coffee table in front of her. "I'm sorry to hear that.. but Loren ran away from her mother when she was only 14. The girl had problems of her own that had nothing to do with my sister."
Olivia put her clasped hands on her knees and leaned closer to Noreen. "Noreen.. are you aware that Edwin raped Loren seven years ago?"
"Raped!" Noreen was shocked. "I had no idea! That was his niece. I always thought he was trying to help her- he'd talk about setting aside money for her college.. taking her to Paris with us.. he loved that little girl."
Olivia's gaze pierced into Noreen. "Or at least I thought he did.."
Olivia and Nick headed to the car.. "So no one knows where he is," Olivia stated.
"Only one who might is his lawyer, and we know she's not going to talk."
"No kidding," Olivia agreed, "So now where do we look?"
Nick's phone rang, "Amarro."
As soon as he hung up, Olivia spoke, "So?"
"That was Rollins. They found Mr. Silva."
--------------------------------------------
Back at the station, Munch and Fin grilled Silva.
Olivia and Amarro walked into the squad room and Olivia thrust her coat upon her chair without a pause. "Where'd you find him?"
Rollins walked towards her. "You'll never believe this. We got him at the Grand Hotel on 85th.. with a hooker. Couldn't have been older than 16."
"Wow.. get anything out of him yet?"
"He claims he hasn't seen Loren since her 14th birthday. We got him to admit to the rape, but without a complaining witness we won't have a case."
Olivia looked over at Cragen, who was observing Munch and Fin at work. "I want a crack at him."
Cragen could see that Olivia was not going to take no for an answer. "Go for it."
------------------------------------------
Three hours later, after close to 24 were lost, Silva had gotten them nowhere. He denied all allegations about Loren, and Huang was beginning to believe him.
Cragen pulled Olivia out of the grilling room. "Cut him loose," said the ADA.
"Why?! He is lying! He has to have Loren somewhere, and in 48 hours she's going to die."
"I don't think he does," Huang chimed in, "he has nothing left to lose at this point- he is facing other charges, he knows he's going to jail for the rest of his life. Sleeping with the prostitute at that hotel was his way of a last hurrah- I don't think he has Loren."
"Alright," Olivia conceded, "then who does?"
---------------------------------------
Any familial involvement had been eliminated from the case.
27 hours gone.
Amaro and Rollins had both caught about 2 hours of sleep in the crib, but Olivia was chugging coffee and pressing on. She would not rest until this case was closed.
She and Fin tracked down some friends of Loren's at Hudson, and were now searching her small dorm room. Olivia dug through desk drawers full of papers, pens, pencils, books, electronics. No organization whatsoever, and not even a hint of where she might be, or who might have her captive.
"What's going on here?" a girl walked in carrying a brown leather shoulder bag. Her blonde wavy hair hung to just below her shoulders, and her bright blue eyes stood out amid-st her pale complexion and a few light freckles around her nose.
"I'm Detective Benson this is Detective Tutuola- we're here investigating the disappearance of your roommate, Loren."
"Loren's gone?!"
Fin turned towards her from the closet, "She's your roommate. You didn't notice she was gone?"
"I never really see her.. she's never here on weekends or when I come back at night. She always comes back way late- seems like a hardcore partier but all she ever talks about is wanting to be a lawyer and help people. Weird. Now can I please have some privacy?!"
"Not until we find what we're looking for," Olivia stated flatly.
"So uh.. what ARE you looking for?"
Fin opened the closet door, "We'll know when we find it."
"Whatever." The girl tossed her bag onto the floor, kicked off her pink pumps, and sat at her desk.
Olivia looked over, "Do you have any idea where Loren was spending all her time?"
"I told you," she rolled her eyes, "Girl is a total skank. Always partying."
"How do you know she was partying?"
"We're in college.. where else does anyone go that late at night?"
"Fin look at this," Olivia gestured to a large posterboard tacked to the wall above Loren's desk.. newspaper clippings of cases SVU had closed.. articles about law- several mentioning former ADA Casey Novak, pictures of Paris, London, Rome, cut out words... "'Free,' 'compassion,' 'admire,' 'happiness', 'joy.' This doesn't seem to me like a girl who spends her nights out on the town. When I met her she seemed so innocent and sincere."
"Come on Liv," Fin replied, "she's in college. All kids party in college. Its natural."
Olivia shook her head and continued looking for something that might be of help.
Fin pushed all the hanging clothes to one side, and as he looked down, noticed a large blue tupperware container standing up on end, making it further concealed when clothes hung in front of it. He pulled it from the closet and opened the lid.. "Whoa," he said, picking up one item at a time.
"What is it?" Olivia walked towards him and knelt down.
The blonde turned sharply to see what was going on behind her, "Oh my God! I told you! A total skank."
Fin took out each item of barely-there cloting and pair of high heeled shoes and Olivia studied it with eyes wide. "This is not the wardrobe of a normal college girl..." she said, worried.
Fin replied, "Looks like Loren might be moonlighting as a hooker."
-------------------
That night, Munch, Fin and Amaro took to the streets, canvassing every well known prostitution area, showing Loren's picture to every working girl they came across.
After three hours, with 35 gone, the identity of Loren's pimp was discovered.
"Yeah her daddy is Mad Money Max. But you didn't hear that from me. Hangs out at the diner on 63rd and Broadway."
------------------------
Olivia walked into the diner with fire in her eyes. She had so only about 18 hours to find Loren, or... her mind would not let her think of that. She was going to find her. She had to.
"They call you Mad Money Max?" Fin approached the pimp, placing a firm hand on his shoulder.
Max puffed smoke from his cigar, and let out a small cough as he replied, "Depends on who's asking."
Olivia held up her badge, "Detective Olivia Benson."
Fin got straight to the point, "Where's Loren?!"
"Don't know any Loren."
Olivia immediately came closer and began putting Max in handcuffs, "Alright. Maxwell Atwood, you're under arrest for the kidnapping of Loren McAllister. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can & will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney- if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you."
-------------------------
Back at the station, Olivia walked into the interrogation room with confidence and anger in her eyes. She held the case file, and was not planning to leave the room until Max had told her EVERYTHING about Loren's whereabouts, and what he had done to her. Amaro entered following her, and stood against the wall as she sat in the chair across from their suspect.
"So.. Maxwell Atwood. I hear you're pretty big and bad on the streets. This one of your girls?" Olivia thrust the picture of Loren towards him.
"Yeah.. that's Loren. She's one of my finest.. Sexy little thing."
"Hey!" Olivia began to yell, but held back her rage.
"What, bitch?! She's legal."
Amaro approached rapidly, pulling Max's head back by grabbing a handful of his hair. "Listen, Max. We don't have time for your games. We just want to know where Loren is, and what you did to her."
"What're you talkin' about man?! I ain't done nothin' to her. I told you she brings in the dough. You think I'd do somethin' to change that?!"
"I think," Olivia spoke again, "you wanted her all to yourself. So you kidnapped her, raped her, tortured her.. anything to keep her in your grasp."
"That's bullshit!"
"Where were you yesterday morning around 11?"
"Asleep... Late nights, late mornings."
"Got anyone to confirm that?"
"Sure.." Max grinned, "got my girl Willow.. she was laying next to me."
Olivia sighed, "We're going to need Willow's phone number."
--------------------------------
When the two detectives walked out of the room, Rollins, who had been observing along with Cragen and Munch, decided to speak. "I don't think its him..."
"Neither do I. It doesn't make sense that he would give up the revenue Loren brings in on the streets.."
"Yeah," Cragen added, "but he's our only lead. Liv, what else have we got?"
"Well, we've cleared family.. we spoke to Loren's roommate and other acquaintances at Hudson, no one seems to have any ideas."
"No one knows about the double-life either..," said Amaro, "brilliant pre-law student by day.."
"..seedy hooker by night."
"It still doesn't make sense to me," Olivia leaned against the wall, "When I met Loren, she was just so sweet and sincere. Why would she be living a double life?"
"Maybe she didn't get as much scholarship money as she said," Rollins replied.
"Paying for college with street money," said Munch, "there's got to be an easier way."
Cragen noticed the time. Only 12 hours remained. "Is there anyone else who might know how to find this girl? Liv, think back through every step we've taken on this case.. anyone who interacted with her regularly is now a suspect."
"What did Loren do in her free time?" Rollins asked.
Olivia's eyes widened. "Charlie.."
Munch turned towards her, "Who's Charlie?"
"Charlie the bartender. He was there when I met Loren- he knew her. She called him by name. They were friendly. I've been back there since then, often.. He's been there every time but she hasn't."
"Maybe they had a falling out?" Amaro suggested.
"Or something more.." With that, Olivia was off. She grabbed her coat from her desk and headed towards the elevators.
Fin looked to the Captain, who nodded. "I'll get the car, Liv!" Fin pulled the keys from his pocket and walked quickly towards the back staircase of the precinct.
----------------------------------------
The squad car pulled up to the bar, and Olivia ran out, leaving Fin in the driver's seat. She anticipated that they would have to relocate quickly and did not want to waste any time.
Upon entrance, she noticed an unfamiliar face tending the bar.. "Where's Charlie?!" she demanded, leaning over the counter.
"Lady, have a seat. I'll be with you in a second."
"Hey pal," she held up her badge, "I'll ask one more time. Where the hell is Charlie?"
"He ain't working today. Probably at his apartment."
"I'm going to need his address... and a phone number."
As soon as she had gotten Charlie's information, Olivia raced out to the car and immediately called Amaro at the precinct. "Hey Nick, I'm texting you Charlie's cell number, I need you to call and trace it. We're on our way to his apartment, but I'm guessing he's going to be MIA."
"Got it," Amaro replied. "I'm ready with the tracing software. Calling the number now..." There was a short pause as the phone rang. Rollins was going to be acting as Charlie's caller. She heard him answer, short of breath, "Hello?"
Amanda spoke sweetly, "Hey. Is this Joshua's phone?"
"Uh no.. this is Charlie. And you are?"
Olivia's heartbeat quickened. Fin floored the gas pedal as the siren bellowed. Amaro typed furiously as the software tracked down the phone's location."
"Well that's close enough," Rollins sweet-talked him, "you looking for a good time too, Charlie?"
"I uh.."
"Oh come on baby, you know you want to say yes."
Amaro's eyes lit up, "Got it. He's in Jackson Heights. Sending you the address now."
"Got it, thanks." Olivia hung up the phone and saw the Queens address, "only 2 blocks from his apartment."
----------------------------------
The car skidded to a stop in front of the building. It was an old brownstone, now abandoned. Boards covered the windows, and a condemned notice was pasted on the front door. Blue and whites were already there, yielding guns, ready to back up Olivia and Fin. The partners exited the car, wearing bullet proof vests, and guns in hand. Fin turned to Olivia, "You ready?
Olivia nodded.. the two approached the door slowly and quietly. The blue & whites were instructed to stay back.
When they got to the door, Fin and Olivia looked at each other, and with one smooth kick, Olivia got the door wide open. They stealthily walked in the door, holding guns outstretched, checking around every corner for signs of life.
They parted ways, Olivia going right, through the kitchen, crawling with cockroaches, and Fin going left, through the living room with several rotten floor boards. Olivia got to the back of the house.. there was a locked door. She could hear something.. soft whimpering.. coming from the other side. She yelled, "Fin!"
He came running and immediately cut the lock open. The door swung open.
Loren.
She was sitting on the floor.. hands tied behind her back and a gag tied around her head, holding her mouth open. Her hair was matted.. her black halter top revealed cuts and bruises on her shoulders, and even more on her bare legs below her neon green skirt. Panties were on the floor, across the room. There was a dampness on her skirt, between her legs- she had been raped, again. Tears streamed down her face as she looked up at Olivia.
Fin untied her quickly, but Olivia was frozen.
Moments later, as Fin was helping Loren off the ground, a figure approached from the shadows behind Olivia. "Liv!" fin yelled, looking to the person behind her.
Olivia turned around instantly and saw Charlie standing directly behind her with a large kitchen knife. Olivia's gun was pointed directly at his chest.
"Put the knife down Charlie," Olivia coaxed him.
Loren clutched Fin's arm with terror in her eyes.
"No!" Charlie was impotent.
"Charlie listen to me. If you don't put down the knife, I'm going to pull the trigger. Now just put the knife down slowly, and we can all walk out of here alive." Charlie's hand shook.. he was caught. Suddenly, his knife wielding arm was being jerked behind him. Amaro placed the perp in handcuffs. Olivia looked to her new partner, "Get him out of here."
Amaro grabbed the knife from Charlie's hands, dropped it on the floor in front of him, and led the perp outside, "Charles Sutton, you're under arrest for the rape, assault and kidnapping of Loren McAllister. You have the right to remain silent..."
Olivia began to leave, but Loren's voice stopped her. "Olivia.. I'm sorry." The detective stopped for a moment, but never turned back, and continued towards the front door.
Loren's tears overtook her, she sobbed, resting her head on Fin's chest. "Let's go," he said softly.
--------------------------------------
Loren laid in her hospital bed, awake, but motionless. Her phone rang.
She sighed when she saw the caller ID, "Hey Max."
"Girl why the police all over me?! They were looking for you- where you at?!"
"I uh.. in the hospital now."
"STD?!"
"No!.. I got into a bad situation with this guy and.. whatever. I'm fine."
"When you coming back to work then?"
"I don't think I can, Max."
"What?!"
"I can't.. I'm not coming back. I'm going to find a real job."
"Yeah right.. you'll never make the dough you get wit' Mad Money!"
"I don't care Max. We're done." Loren hung up the phone and tossed it onto the chair beside her bed. She sighed, and continued staring out the window.
Loren closed her eyes, but just as she was falling asleep, there was a soft knock on the door. Loren rolled over to face the door. She rubbed her eyes, "Olivia."
"How you feeling?"
"Okay I guess. Thanks for saving me. I know I.."
"I'm just here to take your statement," Olivia said, getting out her pad & pencil, "Can you tell me what happened?"
Loren looked at the ceiling. "I was.. working.. Friday night. It was getting really late. I was going to do one more and then call it a night. I was walking down the street when suddenly someone grabbed me.. He covered my mouth and told me not to scream. He had a knife to my throat. He made me drink something... I must have blacked out because the next thing I remember is being in that room with him. He was touching me all over... all of a sudden he pulled my underwear off and hiked up my skirt. He raped me. I was screaming and crying and yelling for him to stop." She had been holding back tears, which finally overtook her. She wept. "He.. he was my friend! I.. I didn't want it to be ruined if he found out what I did.. I had to keep it a secret. But this is all my fault, I..."
"Loren, this is not your fault. You are the victim here," Olivia said softly. "Now, go on."
"After he raped me, he started hitting me.. with anything that was nearby; boards, my own shoes.. that's when he found out I had your business card. I kept it.. ever since you gave it to me. It fell out of my purse and he saw it. Thought it would be funny to send you on a wild goose chase I guess.. I begged him not to, the whole time.. that's when he pushed me back and slammed my head against the floor and I screamed ... And then he just left. I don't know how long he was gone. I didn't know if he was coming back at all, but he took my phone, and I didn't know... I thought maybe he was still in the house, that he could kill me if I tried to leave... So I waited. I was finally getting up the courage to try and escape when he came back. I was trying to get out the window when he came in. He pulled me back and shoved me onto the ground. Raped me again and hit me across the face for trying to escape. He left the room, locked the door... that's when I heard you guys get there."
---------------------------------------
Back at the precinct, Fin and Rollins had Charlie in an interrogation room- his state appointed attorney sat beside him. Alex Cabot walked in the door, holding her briefcase, "I've got arraignment scheduled for 9am tomorrow. Our case is rock solid, you're going down Charlie."
"We want a deal!" the lawyer pleaded.
"The only thing close to a deal you'll get is the CHANCE of parole after serving the sentence for each charge consecutively- plead guilty. Sign a confession." She shoved paper and pen towards him.
Charlie looked towards the attorney, who nodded. They both knew it was the best they would get.
Charlie looked down, and began to speak, "Loren used to come to the bar all the time.. she'd sit there and study, drink her club soda. Occasionally she'd order fries or something. I liked her- she was so friendly, really cute.. funny. I asked her out one day. She said no; said she didn't have time to date because of school and stuff. I was upset, but I got it. Couple weeks later I was out with some friends, we went to a club.. stopped at a light and I noticed some girls- hookers- on the sidewalk. And there she was. Loren. Walking the streets, sleeping with any guy who walked her way. And I'm sitting there like a chump. I actually liked Loren- I wanted to be with her. And she tossed me aside so she'd have more time to screw these douche-bags on the street. I was pissed. Wanted to teach her a lesson..."
-----------------------------------------
It had been three days since Olivia took Loren's statement at the hospital. She was schedule to be released that night. No one from the precinct had talked to her since, so Rollins decided to stop by and see how she was feeling- and to let her know that Charlie would never hurt her or anyone else, ever again.
She walked into Loren's hospital room holding a chocolate bar and a get well card, the kind that sings when you open it.
The room was empty, a nurse walked in, with new linens to put on the bed.
"Where's Loren?" Rollins asked.
"Girl that was in here earlier- she checked herself out a few hours ago, early this morning! We wanted to hold her for until the evening for good measure, but she insisted. We couldn't make her stay."
"Any idea where she went?"
"She didn't say."
"Well, did anyone come get her?"
"She mentioned having to meet somebody.. Max? Thought maybe he was her boyfriend.."
"Thanks.." Rollins walked out the door, and immediately called Olivia.
"Benson," Olivia answered the phone.
"Hey Liv, I just went by to see Loren at the hospital."
"Yeah?"
"But she's not there. Checked herself out this morning."
"What?! Is she okay?"
"I hope so.. the nurse said she was going to see Max."
"Oh God," Olivia sighed, sitting at her desk.
"I know her case is closed now, so technically we're done here but.."
Olivia cut her off, "I'll find her."
"Thanks. I know that girl adores you."
Olivia smiled slightly, but was unsure how to feel, "Thanks."
------------------------------------
A few hours later, Olivia went to see Max. As she walked into the smokey hotel bar, he spotted her.
"Why Detective, didn't think you'd be back to see me! What can I do for you?"
"I'm looking for Loren," she said, standing above him.
He smoked a cigar, "Yeah.. she came to see me this morning. Gave me my cut."
"Where is she now?"
"Don't know.. we're done."
"What do you mean?"
"She broke off our business arrangement. Thinks she's going to find better work.. a 'real job'.."
Olivia's phone vibrated. It was a text from Fin, "Talked to the roommate.. no leads on where Loren is." Olivia needed to see her, "Do you have ANY idea where she would have gone?"
"Said she was going to think things over..." he said, putting out his cigar.
By the end of the day, there had been no sign of her. The precinct was quiet, and Craged exited his office. "Everybody go home, get some rest."
Amaro grabbed his coat, "Thanks Captain."
They all began to leave, slowly, when Rollins stopped Olivia. "Any word on Loren?"
"None.." Olivia was worried.
"I'm sure she'll turn up. Girl seems to have a good head on her shoulders."
Olivia nodded, "I hope so."
---------------------------------------
Instead of going straight home, Olivia decided to take a walk through Central Park. It was chilly, but not terribly cold, and the sunset was breathtaking in its haze of pinks and oranges and blues, all intermingled, bringing forth the night sky.
She held her Starbucks latte, sipping it slowly, strolling down the path and taking in the air. Olivia rarely got peaceful time alone like this, so she was breathing in every moment.
Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a figure sitting atop some large boulders in the distance.. She turned to face the person. The sun was almost entirely set, but the little bit of light still illuminating from it hit the figure's face as they turned to the side, grabbing the beverage from beside them. She knew that face. She approached, silently, until she was standing mere feet from the person.
"Nice night."
The person looked up, "Olivia!"
"Why'd you leave the hospital Loren?"
"I was fine.. and I needed to think."
"I heard you went to see Max," Olivia sat down beside her.
"Yeah. Gave him his money. Then deleted his number from my phone. I'm done with that life."
"I'm glad to hear that," Olivia sipped her latte.
"So what're you doing out here?"
Loren was wearing a light brown pea coat, and had a baby pink shaggy scarf wrapped around her neck. Her jeans were ripped, and Converse tennis shoes looked like they'd seen better days. She sipped her iced mocha. "I love it out here.. I always come out here to clear my head. Its the perfect view."
Loren gazed down upon the ice skating rink, and the bare trees. Above that, there was a skyline of buildings- their lights glittering out the windows.
"Its lovely," Olivia agreed.
They sat for a moment in silence. Loren spoke. "Olivia... I'm really sorry about everything. I know I made you think I was think awesome person when we met, and.. I really do want to be a lawyer. And I really look up to you. I always read these articles and its like.. you are the person who I want to be. But instead, I was a stupid whore. And now.. I don't know who I am."
Olivia turned to face Loren, "Loren, who do you think I am?"
Loren was unsure what to say at first. She thought... then shook her head. "Perfect. You catch the bad guys. You are a power house, you're kind, sincere.. and you saved my life. I just don't feel..."
"Worthy?" Olivia finished her sentence.
Loren looked at her and nodded. "I don't always feel worthy either. But it doesn't matter what happens to us, its how we respond to those things that matters."
Silence. Loren looked into the sunset.
"Loren, you were raped. Multiple times. You were betrayed by men in your life, men you trusted. You left home before most kids even know how to wash their own clothes! You're a survivor, and its a miracle you're still alive!" She paused. "You know. I can't imagine going through what you've gone through," Loren looked at her.
"I've been assaulted, but I've never been raped. And I've been slashed with a perp's knife, but never to the point where I was in the hospital for more than a night. Now all you have to do is decide what to do from here on out."
Tears began to fall from Loren's eyes. "I saw so much on the streets Olivia.. Awful things. I can't believe.."
Olivia stopped her, "That life is over for you now. You are more than that."
"How come you didn't talk to me after you guys found me?"
Olivia looked down at her cup.. "I guess I didn't know what to say. Loren, I've been at SVU for a long time. I guess.. when I found out you were a working girl, I was... disappointed and"
"I know," Loren said, "I misrepresented myself to you.. but no one knew. And nothing I told you was a lie."
Olivia nodded. "I know. And listen, if you ever need anything- anything at all," Olivia grabbed Loren's phone which was visible in her small purse, "I want you to call me," she said, entering her number into the phone.
"Thanks Olivia. I'm glad you found me."
Olivia grinned, "Me too."
The sky's pink and orange had faded into a purple, then the sun was gone and the crescent moon lit the sky. Silence.
relish life;
I feel like I am kind of in denial right now. haha. Like, I spent the entire week last week procrastinating about packing to move out of my apartment and doing nothing in my free time but watching SVU... Its like I was having trouble convincing myself that I was indeed moving out and that this Europe thing is going to happen. I guess its just been something so far off all this time, that now that its only a week away, I am having trouble believing it.
Its extremely intimidating. Europe that is. Like, I am sure that once I get there I will like it and it will be cool and stuff... but I am also scared and worried and not sure if any of it is a good idea. But like, I am sure it is though. The sensible side of me is sure of that. Its going to broaden my horizons and force me to deal with things I've never dealt with before. I do consider myself an independent person now, but this will force me to be even more independent and grow up more and stuff.
I have so many things I need to do before I leave as well.. Like, pack and stuff. I am just so overwhelmed by my whole life. Nothing makes any sense.
I am not sure that I know how to fit in with other people anymore.. I have folded up inside myself a lot. And its like there is this whirlwind of ambition and desire held up inside me begging to be let out, but it has no idea where to go so its just stuck in there.
Well. Time for more SVU and Dr Pepper.
Its extremely intimidating. Europe that is. Like, I am sure that once I get there I will like it and it will be cool and stuff... but I am also scared and worried and not sure if any of it is a good idea. But like, I am sure it is though. The sensible side of me is sure of that. Its going to broaden my horizons and force me to deal with things I've never dealt with before. I do consider myself an independent person now, but this will force me to be even more independent and grow up more and stuff.
I have so many things I need to do before I leave as well.. Like, pack and stuff. I am just so overwhelmed by my whole life. Nothing makes any sense.
I am not sure that I know how to fit in with other people anymore.. I have folded up inside myself a lot. And its like there is this whirlwind of ambition and desire held up inside me begging to be let out, but it has no idea where to go so its just stuck in there.
Well. Time for more SVU and Dr Pepper.
Monday, December 12, 2011
like a domino;
I am such a hot mess... All I did all weekend was watch SVU and discover the AWESOME that is Olivia Benson (played by Mariska Hargitay). If only she were real. She and Judge Milian could rule the world. haha. But Mariska is pretty awesome herself. She owns the Joyful Heart Foundation, which is an advocacy group for victims of sexual assault. I would like to work for a group like that, because if more rape kits were run in a TIMELY fashion, then a lot more perps would get caught for rape. In SO many cities across the US, they run a rape kit on a victim, then just let it sit around for ages while the DNA deteriorates, its a HUGE backlog issue. Once the thing is finally run, the DNA is too far gone to recover anyone's identity.
(A rape kit is a thing that tests victims of rape and is a tool used to get DNA of perpetrators off of them.. then they run the DNA through a system, which can identify who it belongs to if the attacker has been in custody before. And in MANY cases, they have. ANYWAY.)
I would love to advocate for something like that. That would be badass.
If I had the money to go to grad school, I would do psychology (hoping to move to psychiatry and then maybe be a psychiatrist who works with detectives... OR one who works with children and adolescents).
Anyway.
All I do outside of work is waste time and watch television and I have so much shit to do this week because I am moving out of here this weekend. BUH. Whatever. Look at all the fucks I give. I am guessing that if I work my ass off in packing, I can do it all in one afternoon, and cleaning.. one other afternoon (probably Friday). Other than that, I guess I'm good. I do need to donate all these clothes though.. that have been chillin in my bins (my big plastic bins that I use when I move) since September.
I guess I'll do that.. maybe Wednesday or Thursday. Idk yo. Maybe Wednesday actually. This is me typing as I think.
Alright. Well The People's Court is over.. time for more SVU. :)
(A rape kit is a thing that tests victims of rape and is a tool used to get DNA of perpetrators off of them.. then they run the DNA through a system, which can identify who it belongs to if the attacker has been in custody before. And in MANY cases, they have. ANYWAY.)
I would love to advocate for something like that. That would be badass.
If I had the money to go to grad school, I would do psychology (hoping to move to psychiatry and then maybe be a psychiatrist who works with detectives... OR one who works with children and adolescents).
Anyway.
All I do outside of work is waste time and watch television and I have so much shit to do this week because I am moving out of here this weekend. BUH. Whatever. Look at all the fucks I give. I am guessing that if I work my ass off in packing, I can do it all in one afternoon, and cleaning.. one other afternoon (probably Friday). Other than that, I guess I'm good. I do need to donate all these clothes though.. that have been chillin in my bins (my big plastic bins that I use when I move) since September.
I guess I'll do that.. maybe Wednesday or Thursday. Idk yo. Maybe Wednesday actually. This is me typing as I think.
Alright. Well The People's Court is over.. time for more SVU. :)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
brand new key;
THE INTERNET IS DEAD RIGHT NOW. No one is online. My tumblr dash is dead. BUH. First world problems.
What do people think they're doing on this fine Tuesday night?! My goodness.
So here's this.
1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
My closet door is always open because I have this coat hanger thing on it which doesnt allow it to close all the way.. so its always all the way open, and the coats hang on the inside of the door (which faces me, since the door is open)
2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Sure sometimes. Its not a QUEST of mine or anything, but its fun to at times, esp like.. from Disney World or somewhere there is a cute motif.
3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
usually out
4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
nope
5: Do you like to use post-it notes?
all the damn time. mostly at work though.
6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
I don't even cut them out because I know I would forget to use them. the last thing I need is more random shit to deal with.
7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
haha uhh. probably bees, because I love bears and I think we should be friends.
8: Do you have freckles?
not really
9: Do you always smile for pictures?
either smile or make some sort of silly face
10: What is your biggest pet peeve?
people who are judgmental/hateful/ignorant
11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
haha no not really
12: Have you ever peed in the woods?
Lord no.
13: What about pooped in the woods?
LORD NO
14: Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?
uh.. i guess i have before. not on a regular basis though.
15: Do you chew your pens and pencils?
not "chew" really.. sometimes i just hold them in my mouth though.
16: How many people have you slept with this week?
none.. haha.
17: What size is your bed?
twin.
18: What is your Song of the week?
Marry the Night- Lady Gaga. Its my jam.
19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
sure!
20: Do you still watch cartoons?
not really
21: Whats your least favorite movie?
hmm I'm not sure.. I rarely watch movies, and I usually just stop watching if I don't like it. Christmas with the Kranks was pretty bad though.
22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
I would probably put it in a safe in a bank or something. haha.
23: What do you drink with dinner?
diet dr pepper .. or water or coffee
24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
no dip, thanks anyway
25: What is your favorite food?
burritos and/or quesadillas
26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
One time I watched Never Been Kissed and Fever Pitch about a million times .. I still like them
27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?
probably my mother because I'm awesome
28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
no, but I did sell cookies with Allie
29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
HA NO
30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Yesterday but it was a card.. I wrote a legit letter like 2 weeks ago
31: Can you change the oil on a car?
CHANGE the oil, no. but i can CHECK it and add some if needed.
32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
yes, once.. it was a bad day
33: Ever ran out of gas?
no
34: Favorite kind of sandwich?
frontega chicken panini or asiago roast beef at Panera :)
35: Best thing to eat for breakfast?
nothing
36: What is your usual bedtime?
for getting up at 4am for work: around 9:30.. in general, after midnight, but before 2
37: Are you lazy?
haha I definitely can be at times
38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
a pumpkin, a cat, a fairy, a pirate, and Rizzo from Grease
39: What is your Chinese astrological sign?
the Chinese signs aren't astrological are they..!? but its a dragon
40: How many languages can you speak?
mostly just the one.. but I know enough Spanish to speak to my coworkers who speak very little English
41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
no
42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
uhh. neither.
43: Are you stubborn?
at times
44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
I'd usually just pick the one who has more interesting guests on
45: Ever watch soap operas?
I watched All my Children for a while because of Kelly Ripa
46: Are you afraid of heights?
intimidated, but not afraid
47: Do you sing in the car?
hell yeah
48: Do you sing in the shower?
occasionally
49: Do you dance in the car?
yes
50: Ever used a gun?
no
51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
lol my senior pictures (in high school)
52: Do you think musicals are cheesy?
NO I LOOOVE MUSICALS THEY ARE MY LIFE
53: Is Christmas stressful?
haha no!
54: Ever eat a pierogi?
im sorry what?
55: Favorite type of fruit pie?
cherry
56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
movie star, actress, life coach, president, veterinarian...
57: Do you believe in ghosts?
kind of yes actually..
58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
yes
59: Take a vitamin daily?
yeah
60: Wear slippers?
no
61: Wear a bath robe?
only if I am super cold when I'm in my room in my pjs.. it gets super freezing in my parents' house
62: What do you wear to bed?
pajama pants and a tshirt
63: First concert?
uh.. Brendan James
64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
TARGET
65: Nike or Adidas?
Chuck Taylors
66: Cheetos Or Fritos?
neither
67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
trail mix
68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
no
69: Ever take dance lessons?
yes
70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
uhh.. no
71: Can you curl your tongue?
yes
72: Ever won a spelling bee?
2nd place.. so damn close
73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
no
74: Own any record albums?
no
75: Own a record player?
no
76: Regularly burn incense?
no
77: Ever been in love?
i don't think so
78: Who would you like to see in concert?
Adele
79: What was the last concert you saw?
Sara Bareilles
80: Hot tea or cold tea?
hot
81: Tea or coffee?
COFFEE
82: Sugar or snickerdoodles?
uh what?
83: Can you swim well?
I haven't drowned yet
84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
yes
85: Are you patient?
yes
86: DJ or band, at a wedding?
I personally would pick a DJ most likely
87: Ever won a contest?
uhm.. idk
88: Ever have plastic surgery?
no
89: Which are better black or green olives?
GREEN SO TASTY
90: Can you knit or crochet?
no
91: Best room for a fireplace?
living room
92: Do you want to get married?
I'm not going to rule it out
93: If married, how long have you been married?
not
94: Who was your HS crush?
various men from the theatre, and a guy who was a year older than me at school and super hot
95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
haha uhh no
96: Do you have kids?
lol no
97: Do you want kids?
not naturally, I might adopt though.. idk
98: Whats your favorite color?
purple
99: Do you miss anyone right now?
meh kinda yes
What do people think they're doing on this fine Tuesday night?! My goodness.
So here's this.
1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
My closet door is always open because I have this coat hanger thing on it which doesnt allow it to close all the way.. so its always all the way open, and the coats hang on the inside of the door (which faces me, since the door is open)
2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Sure sometimes. Its not a QUEST of mine or anything, but its fun to at times, esp like.. from Disney World or somewhere there is a cute motif.
3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
usually out
4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
nope
5: Do you like to use post-it notes?
all the damn time. mostly at work though.
6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
I don't even cut them out because I know I would forget to use them. the last thing I need is more random shit to deal with.
7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
haha uhh. probably bees, because I love bears and I think we should be friends.
8: Do you have freckles?
not really
9: Do you always smile for pictures?
either smile or make some sort of silly face
10: What is your biggest pet peeve?
people who are judgmental/hateful/ignorant
11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
haha no not really
12: Have you ever peed in the woods?
Lord no.
13: What about pooped in the woods?
LORD NO
14: Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?
uh.. i guess i have before. not on a regular basis though.
15: Do you chew your pens and pencils?
not "chew" really.. sometimes i just hold them in my mouth though.
16: How many people have you slept with this week?
none.. haha.
17: What size is your bed?
twin.
18: What is your Song of the week?
Marry the Night- Lady Gaga. Its my jam.
19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
sure!
20: Do you still watch cartoons?
not really
21: Whats your least favorite movie?
hmm I'm not sure.. I rarely watch movies, and I usually just stop watching if I don't like it. Christmas with the Kranks was pretty bad though.
22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
I would probably put it in a safe in a bank or something. haha.
23: What do you drink with dinner?
diet dr pepper .. or water or coffee
24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
no dip, thanks anyway
25: What is your favorite food?
burritos and/or quesadillas
26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
One time I watched Never Been Kissed and Fever Pitch about a million times .. I still like them
27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?
probably my mother because I'm awesome
28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
no, but I did sell cookies with Allie
29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
HA NO
30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Yesterday but it was a card.. I wrote a legit letter like 2 weeks ago
31: Can you change the oil on a car?
CHANGE the oil, no. but i can CHECK it and add some if needed.
32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
yes, once.. it was a bad day
33: Ever ran out of gas?
no
34: Favorite kind of sandwich?
frontega chicken panini or asiago roast beef at Panera :)
35: Best thing to eat for breakfast?
nothing
36: What is your usual bedtime?
for getting up at 4am for work: around 9:30.. in general, after midnight, but before 2
37: Are you lazy?
haha I definitely can be at times
38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
a pumpkin, a cat, a fairy, a pirate, and Rizzo from Grease
39: What is your Chinese astrological sign?
the Chinese signs aren't astrological are they..!? but its a dragon
40: How many languages can you speak?
mostly just the one.. but I know enough Spanish to speak to my coworkers who speak very little English
41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
no
42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
uhh. neither.
43: Are you stubborn?
at times
44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
I'd usually just pick the one who has more interesting guests on
45: Ever watch soap operas?
I watched All my Children for a while because of Kelly Ripa
46: Are you afraid of heights?
intimidated, but not afraid
47: Do you sing in the car?
hell yeah
48: Do you sing in the shower?
occasionally
49: Do you dance in the car?
yes
50: Ever used a gun?
no
51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
lol my senior pictures (in high school)
52: Do you think musicals are cheesy?
NO I LOOOVE MUSICALS THEY ARE MY LIFE
53: Is Christmas stressful?
haha no!
54: Ever eat a pierogi?
im sorry what?
55: Favorite type of fruit pie?
cherry
56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
movie star, actress, life coach, president, veterinarian...
57: Do you believe in ghosts?
kind of yes actually..
58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
yes
59: Take a vitamin daily?
yeah
60: Wear slippers?
no
61: Wear a bath robe?
only if I am super cold when I'm in my room in my pjs.. it gets super freezing in my parents' house
62: What do you wear to bed?
pajama pants and a tshirt
63: First concert?
uh.. Brendan James
64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
TARGET
65: Nike or Adidas?
Chuck Taylors
66: Cheetos Or Fritos?
neither
67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
trail mix
68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
no
69: Ever take dance lessons?
yes
70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
uhh.. no
71: Can you curl your tongue?
yes
72: Ever won a spelling bee?
2nd place.. so damn close
73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
no
74: Own any record albums?
no
75: Own a record player?
no
76: Regularly burn incense?
no
77: Ever been in love?
i don't think so
78: Who would you like to see in concert?
Adele
79: What was the last concert you saw?
Sara Bareilles
80: Hot tea or cold tea?
hot
81: Tea or coffee?
COFFEE
82: Sugar or snickerdoodles?
uh what?
83: Can you swim well?
I haven't drowned yet
84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
yes
85: Are you patient?
yes
86: DJ or band, at a wedding?
I personally would pick a DJ most likely
87: Ever won a contest?
uhm.. idk
88: Ever have plastic surgery?
no
89: Which are better black or green olives?
GREEN SO TASTY
90: Can you knit or crochet?
no
91: Best room for a fireplace?
living room
92: Do you want to get married?
I'm not going to rule it out
93: If married, how long have you been married?
not
94: Who was your HS crush?
various men from the theatre, and a guy who was a year older than me at school and super hot
95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
haha uhh no
96: Do you have kids?
lol no
97: Do you want kids?
not naturally, I might adopt though.. idk
98: Whats your favorite color?
purple
99: Do you miss anyone right now?
meh kinda yes
Sunday, December 4, 2011
boy you got my heartbeat running away;
Right now I am completely bored out of my mind and super restless yet not wanting to do anything enough to actually do it. I don't really know what I WANT to do actually.
I did figure out today though that I'll be leaving Poland on March 23 or 24.. going to London for a few days, then Edinburgh for a few days, then Dublin for a few days.
From there I'll be flying back to NYC and staying there for a few days. Perhaps applying for some jobs and definitely doing some People's Court stalking. :P
Then I will return to NC.. hopefully for a not too long amount of time.
I have so much to do before I leave the country.. yet none of it is stuff that really makes sense to be done RIGHT NOW TODAY. I just need to relax and enjoy this day off. After today, next weekend is the last relaxing time I have as an independent person living in my apartment.
I have 2 more weeks.
This week I need to buy a plane ticket from Poland to London, and another one from Dublin to NYC.. The littler ones can be purchased later.
I also need to finish buying things on the list of things I need to buy.
AND I need to go to a thrift store or something to donate all this crap that I no longer need or want.
Oh and I also need to like.. cancel my cable and shit like that. Call the utility places. Joyous.
This weekend I will do nothing.
Then next week can be devoted to cleaning, packing and organizing and stuff.
The following weekend I move out of here.
Then that Monday is Jamie's birthday, then hopefully I'm getting together with Taylor sometime that week.. then Christmas... then a couple days of final packing..
AND THEN I LEAVE.
GAH.
I feel like I am running a very slow marathon.
I did figure out today though that I'll be leaving Poland on March 23 or 24.. going to London for a few days, then Edinburgh for a few days, then Dublin for a few days.
From there I'll be flying back to NYC and staying there for a few days. Perhaps applying for some jobs and definitely doing some People's Court stalking. :P
Then I will return to NC.. hopefully for a not too long amount of time.
I have so much to do before I leave the country.. yet none of it is stuff that really makes sense to be done RIGHT NOW TODAY. I just need to relax and enjoy this day off. After today, next weekend is the last relaxing time I have as an independent person living in my apartment.
I have 2 more weeks.
This week I need to buy a plane ticket from Poland to London, and another one from Dublin to NYC.. The littler ones can be purchased later.
I also need to finish buying things on the list of things I need to buy.
AND I need to go to a thrift store or something to donate all this crap that I no longer need or want.
Oh and I also need to like.. cancel my cable and shit like that. Call the utility places. Joyous.
This weekend I will do nothing.
Then next week can be devoted to cleaning, packing and organizing and stuff.
The following weekend I move out of here.
Then that Monday is Jamie's birthday, then hopefully I'm getting together with Taylor sometime that week.. then Christmas... then a couple days of final packing..
AND THEN I LEAVE.
GAH.
I feel like I am running a very slow marathon.
Friday, December 2, 2011
marry the night;
Disclaimer: That which you are about to read is a huge rambling series of paragraphs which are all things I have been thinking about lately. Buckle up.
I kind of wish that I had taken more challenging classes in college and NOT done the whole J-school thing.. it was a huge waste of time, and I feel like there are better things I could have done. Like take some crap that would have allowed me to go to law school... or even just taken stats & more psych classes so that I could really go to grad school for mental health counseling. BUH. I don't know anymore. I honestly just want to make something of myself. I want to have a job I love in a place that is awesome.. and I want to not have to worry about whether or not I can afford the things I need. Because all my life I have heard the worries & complaints from my parents about money.. and ever since I started working I have lived the most frugal life possible because I am DESPERATELY trying to save so that I will not end up broke. I have lately been trying to be more spontaneous and live to the fullest (hence the recent NYC trip and my upcoming European excursion) but that doesn't change the fact that I am so paranoid that I will have money problems for my whole life.
In 2 weeks I am moving out of this town (my college town) which I have lived in for over 4 years now. I am not even a little bit sad, and I do not think I will miss it. A friend at work asked me if I were going to have a going away party... and I really don't think that's necessary.. haha. Like, I don't know.. I just hate it when a big hoopla is happening because of me. I had that party at graduation because I wanted to mesh my work friends with my college friends, and it turned out to be rather awkward (albeit fun as well). I'm also trying to avoid making a big deal of this because I really don't think 3 months is that long. Its not like I'm trying to LIVE in Europe, like Erin is. I'll be gone for 3 months.. 4 TOPS. And then I will be hanging out with my parents (GUUUUH) until I can find a job I guess. I am going to apply to things via the internet during my last month in Europe and MAYBE POSSIBLY HOPEFULLY something will come of it. Because failure is unacceptable to me.
I was thinking the other day how my mother raised me to believe that anything below a slightly above average performance at something is a huge failure. I think she instilled this belief in me via encouraging me to do well in school and stay focused, etc. I was SO disciplined as a kid. In middle school when I started doing theatre it was my job to get my father out the door to take me to school and theatre stuff and my job to get my crap done.. and I always did it. I didn't see anything else as an option. That's why I did so well in high school. I didn't see an option for anything different.
I kind of wish I had worked my ass off more at acting/singing/dancing and not felt like I couldn't make it with that. I don't have a very marketable personality, but I really wish I had worked harder at that... maybe even tried to market my old youtube channel a little more. I would love to be on television; like maybe host a show of some kind.
Also, lately... while watching reruns of Full House (and hearing Judge Milian mention her family all the time and stuff) it kind of makes me want to get married.. is that weird? When I was little, getting married is something I just assumed would happen someday, but in the latter half of my college years as I became more of a 'woman of the world' so to speak and more confident and less.. I dunno.. less prudish perhaps? I decided that marriage was something that was not necessary to my life at all, ever. I never fully ruled it out, but I just decided not to chase after it. But my goodness. It really seems great. Maybe it seems great to me now because I am so alone all the time and I would really love to have one person in my life who is 100% there for me all the time and who loves me and thinks I am wonderful. Or maybe it seems great because its something that is actually part of my life's course/plan/journey. Who knows. I mean it doesn't even really matter at all right now as there is NO MAN IN MY LIFE AT ALL. NONE. ZILCH. NADA. (As you can see, ogling at John Stamos through a computer screen is great, but it becomes a bit frustrating when you'd love to make out with him and he is not on THIS side of the screen.)
Anyway,
in regard to what I was saying way earlier in this post.
I would like to maybe do something with some of my coworkers at some point before I leave. I just don't know what or when or how to arrange such a thing without being the most awkward turtle of all. It would basically have to be a dinner thing I guess.. or a weekend thing (and this weekend is right now and all that's left is next weekend). Its just hard to arrange something for these people because all our schedules are so ridiculous and demanding. buhhh what is my life.
What is this post even about.
There's nothing to hold on to here anymore. So its definitely time to move on. I am ready for that. I just wish I had more of a long term plan than I do.
I kind of wish that I had taken more challenging classes in college and NOT done the whole J-school thing.. it was a huge waste of time, and I feel like there are better things I could have done. Like take some crap that would have allowed me to go to law school... or even just taken stats & more psych classes so that I could really go to grad school for mental health counseling. BUH. I don't know anymore. I honestly just want to make something of myself. I want to have a job I love in a place that is awesome.. and I want to not have to worry about whether or not I can afford the things I need. Because all my life I have heard the worries & complaints from my parents about money.. and ever since I started working I have lived the most frugal life possible because I am DESPERATELY trying to save so that I will not end up broke. I have lately been trying to be more spontaneous and live to the fullest (hence the recent NYC trip and my upcoming European excursion) but that doesn't change the fact that I am so paranoid that I will have money problems for my whole life.
In 2 weeks I am moving out of this town (my college town) which I have lived in for over 4 years now. I am not even a little bit sad, and I do not think I will miss it. A friend at work asked me if I were going to have a going away party... and I really don't think that's necessary.. haha. Like, I don't know.. I just hate it when a big hoopla is happening because of me. I had that party at graduation because I wanted to mesh my work friends with my college friends, and it turned out to be rather awkward (albeit fun as well). I'm also trying to avoid making a big deal of this because I really don't think 3 months is that long. Its not like I'm trying to LIVE in Europe, like Erin is. I'll be gone for 3 months.. 4 TOPS. And then I will be hanging out with my parents (GUUUUH) until I can find a job I guess. I am going to apply to things via the internet during my last month in Europe and MAYBE POSSIBLY HOPEFULLY something will come of it. Because failure is unacceptable to me.
I was thinking the other day how my mother raised me to believe that anything below a slightly above average performance at something is a huge failure. I think she instilled this belief in me via encouraging me to do well in school and stay focused, etc. I was SO disciplined as a kid. In middle school when I started doing theatre it was my job to get my father out the door to take me to school and theatre stuff and my job to get my crap done.. and I always did it. I didn't see anything else as an option. That's why I did so well in high school. I didn't see an option for anything different.
I kind of wish I had worked my ass off more at acting/singing/dancing and not felt like I couldn't make it with that. I don't have a very marketable personality, but I really wish I had worked harder at that... maybe even tried to market my old youtube channel a little more. I would love to be on television; like maybe host a show of some kind.
Also, lately... while watching reruns of Full House (and hearing Judge Milian mention her family all the time and stuff) it kind of makes me want to get married.. is that weird? When I was little, getting married is something I just assumed would happen someday, but in the latter half of my college years as I became more of a 'woman of the world' so to speak and more confident and less.. I dunno.. less prudish perhaps? I decided that marriage was something that was not necessary to my life at all, ever. I never fully ruled it out, but I just decided not to chase after it. But my goodness. It really seems great. Maybe it seems great to me now because I am so alone all the time and I would really love to have one person in my life who is 100% there for me all the time and who loves me and thinks I am wonderful. Or maybe it seems great because its something that is actually part of my life's course/plan/journey. Who knows. I mean it doesn't even really matter at all right now as there is NO MAN IN MY LIFE AT ALL. NONE. ZILCH. NADA. (As you can see, ogling at John Stamos through a computer screen is great, but it becomes a bit frustrating when you'd love to make out with him and he is not on THIS side of the screen.)
Anyway,
in regard to what I was saying way earlier in this post.
I would like to maybe do something with some of my coworkers at some point before I leave. I just don't know what or when or how to arrange such a thing without being the most awkward turtle of all. It would basically have to be a dinner thing I guess.. or a weekend thing (and this weekend is right now and all that's left is next weekend). Its just hard to arrange something for these people because all our schedules are so ridiculous and demanding. buhhh what is my life.
What is this post even about.
There's nothing to hold on to here anymore. So its definitely time to move on. I am ready for that. I just wish I had more of a long term plan than I do.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
seriously;
I feel like I am a really mature person.
And I feel like I know a lot about how to carry myself in life and I also feel like I know how things/relationships with humans/life works.
And sometimes I feel like my peers are like.. going through things I went through when I was like 14 and 15 and I really honestly do not get that at all.
And sometimes I just want to be like.. GROW UP PLZ.
-___-
That is all... my small rant of the day. I'm just a little bit annoyed lately and like, I don't know. I hope this post is not super bitchy. Because I LOVE the people in my life, and I want to see them happy. But my goodness. Sometimes a dose of reality is necessary.
And I feel like I know a lot about how to carry myself in life and I also feel like I know how things/relationships with humans/life works.
And sometimes I feel like my peers are like.. going through things I went through when I was like 14 and 15 and I really honestly do not get that at all.
And sometimes I just want to be like.. GROW UP PLZ.
-___-
That is all... my small rant of the day. I'm just a little bit annoyed lately and like, I don't know. I hope this post is not super bitchy. Because I LOVE the people in my life, and I want to see them happy. But my goodness. Sometimes a dose of reality is necessary.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
baby let's just dance;
1. Three things about your body you love?
uhh I like my eye color I guess.. I like that my feet are a normal size, and I like my shoulders & collar bone. lol
2. Three things about your body you hate?
my butt, my thighs, my stomach.
3. Three things about your personality?
-I charm people easily.
-I make myself laugh all the time.
-I will drop everything to be there for someone I love.
4. Three things about your room?
Its my sanctuary.. i love my closet.. and there are lots of pictures on the walls.
5. Three things about your love life?
I don't have one right now.. I am not really looking for one right now.. I basically just stare at John Stamos nowadays.
6. Three things about your family?
I am an only child.. I barely ever talk to my extended family members.. and I wish I was a Braverman (from the show Parenthood) because I envy big families who are so connected
7. Three things you love?
friends, the internet, Manhattan
8. Three things you hate?
ignorance, meanness, people with a sense of entitlement
9. Three things you can’t live without?
human contact, sleep, food
10. Three favorite people?
Judge Milian, Bernadette Peters, Stacy London
11. Three favorite Tumblr people?
Erin, Kayla, Erin Miller
12. Three favorite blogs?
dancemoms, travel-europe, jenaniston
13. Three favorite foods?
BURRITOS, quesadillas, ice cream
14 Three most hated foods?
those things that are vegetables but they look like potatoes.. you know?, overly greasy things, overly salty things
15. Three favorite bands?
How about singers instead...? Adele, Sara Bareilles, James Blake
16. Three favorite songs?
A Case of you (the James Blake cover version), Take it all (Adele) and uh.. idk.. Colors of the Wind
17. Three favorite lyrics?
"I remember the time you told me life was touching souls, and surely you touched mine cuz a part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time" ; "when I get older I will be stronger, they'll call me freedom, just like a waving flag" ; "I am not a word, I am not a line; I am not a girl that can ever be defined; I am not fly, I am levitation, I represent an entire generation"
18. Three favorite words?
fuck, radiant, glorious
19. Three favorite TV shows?
PARENTHOOD, THE PEOPLES COURT (LOL) AND DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES AND LOTS MORE
20. Three favorite books?
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Ragtime, The Lovely Bones
21. Three favorite movies?
I don't know.. I never watch movies really
22. Three favorite regular drinks?
DIET DR PEPPER, COFFEE and.. thats all
23. Three favorite alcoholic drinks?
uhh idk I barely ever drink
24. Three favorite sports to play?
EW NO
25. Three favorite sports to watch?
EW NO
26. Three favorite sports teams?
EW NO STOP IT
27. Three favorite things you love about the opposite sex?
uh they are sometimes hot, they are sometimes awesome, they are cool sometimes also
30. Three turn ons?
hottness, funnyness, sweetness
31. Three turn offs?
douchery, assholeyness, being annoying
32. Three hobbies?
watching things on the internet, blogging in ALL the ways, daydreaming
33. Three things no one knows about you?
uh.. nothing. there is at least one person who knows about EVERY aspect of my life.. i dont really keep things hidden
uhh I like my eye color I guess.. I like that my feet are a normal size, and I like my shoulders & collar bone. lol
2. Three things about your body you hate?
my butt, my thighs, my stomach.
3. Three things about your personality?
-I charm people easily.
-I make myself laugh all the time.
-I will drop everything to be there for someone I love.
4. Three things about your room?
Its my sanctuary.. i love my closet.. and there are lots of pictures on the walls.
5. Three things about your love life?
I don't have one right now.. I am not really looking for one right now.. I basically just stare at John Stamos nowadays.
6. Three things about your family?
I am an only child.. I barely ever talk to my extended family members.. and I wish I was a Braverman (from the show Parenthood) because I envy big families who are so connected
7. Three things you love?
friends, the internet, Manhattan
8. Three things you hate?
ignorance, meanness, people with a sense of entitlement
9. Three things you can’t live without?
human contact, sleep, food
10. Three favorite people?
Judge Milian, Bernadette Peters, Stacy London
11. Three favorite Tumblr people?
Erin, Kayla, Erin Miller
12. Three favorite blogs?
dancemoms, travel-europe, jenaniston
13. Three favorite foods?
BURRITOS, quesadillas, ice cream
14 Three most hated foods?
those things that are vegetables but they look like potatoes.. you know?, overly greasy things, overly salty things
15. Three favorite bands?
How about singers instead...? Adele, Sara Bareilles, James Blake
16. Three favorite songs?
A Case of you (the James Blake cover version), Take it all (Adele) and uh.. idk.. Colors of the Wind
17. Three favorite lyrics?
"I remember the time you told me life was touching souls, and surely you touched mine cuz a part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time" ; "when I get older I will be stronger, they'll call me freedom, just like a waving flag" ; "I am not a word, I am not a line; I am not a girl that can ever be defined; I am not fly, I am levitation, I represent an entire generation"
18. Three favorite words?
fuck, radiant, glorious
19. Three favorite TV shows?
PARENTHOOD, THE PEOPLES COURT (LOL) AND DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES AND LOTS MORE
20. Three favorite books?
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Ragtime, The Lovely Bones
21. Three favorite movies?
I don't know.. I never watch movies really
22. Three favorite regular drinks?
DIET DR PEPPER, COFFEE and.. thats all
23. Three favorite alcoholic drinks?
uhh idk I barely ever drink
24. Three favorite sports to play?
EW NO
25. Three favorite sports to watch?
EW NO
26. Three favorite sports teams?
EW NO STOP IT
27. Three favorite things you love about the opposite sex?
uh they are sometimes hot, they are sometimes awesome, they are cool sometimes also
30. Three turn ons?
hottness, funnyness, sweetness
31. Three turn offs?
douchery, assholeyness, being annoying
32. Three hobbies?
watching things on the internet, blogging in ALL the ways, daydreaming
33. Three things no one knows about you?
uh.. nothing. there is at least one person who knows about EVERY aspect of my life.. i dont really keep things hidden
Monday, November 28, 2011
take 'em to court, our court, the people's court;
Can I just say that the plaintiff's daughter in this case has lived something that would be a DREAM for me. Its just too funny.
She went on the People's Court and tried on dresses so that Judge Milian could TOUCH HER ASS. Good Lord. Best evidence ever. Ass touching.
You better believe that if anyone ever screws me over I am taking them on that show..
She went on the People's Court and tried on dresses so that Judge Milian could TOUCH HER ASS. Good Lord. Best evidence ever. Ass touching.
You better believe that if anyone ever screws me over I am taking them on that show..
Sunday, November 27, 2011
delicious ambiguity;
Well, after my day of extensive research, I have discovered that grad school is basically impossible.
A) I did not take stats in undergrad
B)For most programs, I did not take ENOUGH psych classes
C) I do not have $80,000 to toss aside
D) I do not want to have insane amounts of student loans coming out my ears for the rest of my life
For the moment (and we all know how bad I am at committing to decisions) the grad school plan is going by the wayside.
So.. when the au pair thing is over, I will be applying for jobs 24/7... and hopefully something will work out.
I kind of just want to get an apartment in a big city and get a cat or small dog. Or both. I want a real life. I am tired of all this ambiguity.
A) I did not take stats in undergrad
B)For most programs, I did not take ENOUGH psych classes
C) I do not have $80,000 to toss aside
D) I do not want to have insane amounts of student loans coming out my ears for the rest of my life
For the moment (and we all know how bad I am at committing to decisions) the grad school plan is going by the wayside.
So.. when the au pair thing is over, I will be applying for jobs 24/7... and hopefully something will work out.
I kind of just want to get an apartment in a big city and get a cat or small dog. Or both. I want a real life. I am tired of all this ambiguity.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
to follow that star;
This was the 2nd most productive thing I did today.. make a gif.
The first most productive was that I bought my ticket from France to Poland... and the rest of the day was a huge fail because all I did was eat and drink coffee and watch Full House.
Tomorrow I need to do something legit, like figure out if I for real want to go to grad school or not. Because I really don't know.
So yeah. Good times.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
kid, don't sell your dreams so soon;
Things I am thankful for.
-I am thankful that I am in a more comfy place right now than I was one week ago today (the JFK airport watching the end of Top Model while wearing soaking wet shoes and clutching tightly to my bags of cheez-its and skittles)
-thankful that I had the opportunity to GO to NYC purely for pleasure, and that I got to see Jordi!!
-thankful that I got to see Judge Milian as well, and that she is such an inspiration to me
-thankful that my parents made amazing NACHOS for dinner and bought me dr pepper and trail mix
-thankful that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that I get to eat my FAVORITE MEAL OF THE YEAR OM NOM NOM
-thankful that I have a great host family in Poland who I am really excited to meet in January
-thankful that I get to go see Erin for the new year in PARIS! :D
-thankful for my job and the job that I just left also
-thankful that I am no longer a student
-thankful that most of my problems are first world problems
-thankful that I grew up doing theatre and for the people I met there
-thankful that I went to a good college
-thankful for my far away friends: Jamie, Erin, Erin Mayfield, Nicki, Catherine, Linda, Leigh, Anna, Jordi!, and all the others
-..for my close by friends: Tyler, Cat, Samantha, Erin Miller.. etc
-and for the amazing people I work with!!
-thankful for the relaxation I receive from mindless television and the internet
-thankful for all the opportunities that lie ahead, and the lessons learned from the past
Happy Thanksgiving. :)
-I am thankful that I am in a more comfy place right now than I was one week ago today (the JFK airport watching the end of Top Model while wearing soaking wet shoes and clutching tightly to my bags of cheez-its and skittles)
-thankful that I had the opportunity to GO to NYC purely for pleasure, and that I got to see Jordi!!
-thankful that I got to see Judge Milian as well, and that she is such an inspiration to me
-thankful that my parents made amazing NACHOS for dinner and bought me dr pepper and trail mix
-thankful that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that I get to eat my FAVORITE MEAL OF THE YEAR OM NOM NOM
-thankful that I have a great host family in Poland who I am really excited to meet in January
-thankful that I get to go see Erin for the new year in PARIS! :D
-thankful for my job and the job that I just left also
-thankful that I am no longer a student
-thankful that most of my problems are first world problems
-thankful that I grew up doing theatre and for the people I met there
-thankful that I went to a good college
-thankful for my far away friends: Jamie, Erin, Erin Mayfield, Nicki, Catherine, Linda, Leigh, Anna, Jordi!, and all the others
-..for my close by friends: Tyler, Cat, Samantha, Erin Miller.. etc
-and for the amazing people I work with!!
-thankful for the relaxation I receive from mindless television and the internet
-thankful for all the opportunities that lie ahead, and the lessons learned from the past
Happy Thanksgiving. :)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
everybody's fine;
So.. I keep stressing out about my future- but the thing that did not occur to me until yesterday for some strange reason is this: I can't just jump into something. Having a plan is NOT going to help if it ends up not working out. I need to keep my options open.
Thus.
This is what's going to happen.
I definitely need to take the GRE before I leave the country, so that's happening. In so doing, I will do my grad school applications while I am in Poland. Also in Poland, I will attempt to find a host family in the UK or Ireland for April through June.
If it gets to a point where I don't think I will find that (perhaps early March) then I am going to pull out all the stops and apply for a million jobs all over the place. So basically, I am going to just apply for ALL the things and see what I get and take it from there.
One step at a time.
That is the plan.
Thus.
This is what's going to happen.
I definitely need to take the GRE before I leave the country, so that's happening. In so doing, I will do my grad school applications while I am in Poland. Also in Poland, I will attempt to find a host family in the UK or Ireland for April through June.
If it gets to a point where I don't think I will find that (perhaps early March) then I am going to pull out all the stops and apply for a million jobs all over the place. So basically, I am going to just apply for ALL the things and see what I get and take it from there.
One step at a time.
That is the plan.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
so I'll leave for Manhattan;
NYC was amazing.
My plane landed Tuesday morning right as scheduled, and I trudged through the LONG corridors of JFK, until I reached the ground transportation area. I considered taking one of those airport shuttle buses into the city, but I would've had to wait a while on them, so I decided to just deal with spending the money and take a cab. It was a beautiful morning, and despite the traffic it was a good ride into the city. I also exchanged some texts with Jordi and we discussed the evening's plans and such. I had the cab driver take me straight to the Marriot so that I could get in line to get Follies tickets for that night.
When we got there, I found the box office and got in line- I was the 4th person. And its a good thing that I had my student ID, because to my surprise, I was in line for student rush tickets! haha. Anyway. It worked out quite well, and I got my 2 tickets (for me & Jordi) for $37 each!! Which is an AWESOME price. So I did that, and then went to the McDonalds that overlooks Times Square and had a tasty breakfast. Then I hung around the Time Square area for a bit.. went to the Forever 21 there which is amazing!! I love it.
From there, I walked in the direction of uptown and took lots of pictures until I ended up at Columbus circle & Central Park. I walked into the park and was taking some pictures when this dude walked towards me and said "What you need? You lose something?" I was like uhh.. no..?! And he was like "you know you're beautiful right?" I didn't say anything and he said "Can I talk to you for like 5 minutes?" and I was like oh no I've got to go, sorry. I mistakenly walked down a path where there was some sort of construction, so I had to turn around and go back to where that dude was so that I could get on another path. When I did that he was like "You coming back? Can I talk to you now?" And I just walked fast and said nothing. I stayed in the park for a good while, and I took LOTS of pictures. I love it there- so gorgeous. I also love seeing the horses and carriages looking all cool and old timey that people pay a lot of money for rides in. :) From there, I walked up 5th Avenue because I LOVE to go in all the stores there... Versace for H&M is TO DIE FOR. Gosh. I wanted so many clothes.. haaha. Also: the Forever 21 on 5th Avenue is EVEN MORE AMAZING than the one in Times Square. There was French pop playing in there.. Yelle to be exact. GAH. It was great times.
I took a Starbucks break and had an amazingly tasty caramel brulee frappuccino. Its a new flavor and I looooove it!!
Then I went over towards the place where The People's Court films.. I was supposed to be there by 2, and I was a few minutes early so I decided to hang out outside for a little while. Its funny because I was trying not to be awkward by being there early, but I ended up being MORE awkward by waiting... I was standing there, and there was a family about 6 feet down the sidewalk from me (a mom, a dad and a little girl who looked like she was about 7 or 8). So I'm standing there and all of a sudden (I had glanced down at this point) a couple exits the building hand in hand. The man was wearing suit pants, and the woman a tight black dress. I looked up at them, saw that unmistakable red hair, and my jaw dropped. My eyes widened as JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN who was off to get a quick lunch with her husband, LOOKED RIGHT AT ME. I am sure I looked like a complete fool, because it was SO CLEAR that I knew who she was and was amazed to see her out and about like that... She kept walking and said hello to the little girl before getting to the corner to cross the street. In my ridiculous awkwardness, I neglected to even snap a creeper picture of them from behind. What a fool am I. I wish I had at least SAID SOMETHING LIKE PERHAPS HELLO I LOVE YOU YOU ARE MY QUEEN. But alas. I did not. Although, she was two feet away from me for a brief moment, and I must say- she is even prettier in person than she is on television. Like, there is nothing fake about her at all. Her makeup is really not as heavy as you'd think it would be (she is 51!) and her hair - which in recent episodes has looked a goldish hue, is actually a brighter, slightly deeper & redder color than it appears under the tv lights. She is incredibly gorgeous.
I went in a few minutes later, and took the elevator up to the 8th floor where the People's Court is filmed. There was someone else on the elevator with me, and the doors opened on the 7th floor. I looked out, and there was a sign that said OWN- the Oprah Winfrey Network.. and some other wall decor which showed rather clearly that I was staring right into the offices at the studio where Gayle King films her talk show. What. How. Is this real life.
The green room was PACKED with people, many of whom seemed to know each other, and I sat in the back row (the room is basically a desk, a corridor, a water fountain and there are bathrooms through the doors at the far side of the room) next to some old ladies. I was basically very overwhelmed with the whole thing. After waiting a little while the lady in charge of the audience took us into the studio and arranged us in our seats. They seat you by basically putting those wearing the brighter colors closer to the front. I ended up in the 2nd row on the defendant's side of the room. It was a good seat.. After a little while Judge Milian, after her lunch, walked into the studio and out through a back door- she gave the audience a quick wave hello. Soon, it was time to film. Throughout all this, I was very distracted by trying to not make any weird faces and stuff, but the cases were hilarious and wonderful. Judge Milian made a heartfelt speech to a family, said a Spanish phrase, and yelled a little bit. It was pretty much awesome. :) We saw 3 cases, and afterwards Judge Milian came back out to the bench, read over some papers, and then re-said some things (which she had said in the cases that day that I guess didn't come out right.. like maybe she tripped over her words? Idk.) But she did that and then stepped off the bench to answer audience questions. Cameras were flashing all over the places, and she was so sweet and funny and very willing to be there. It was a wonderful experience. On the way out I asked the audience lady if I could come back the next morning- and she said that she had a group of 40 coming in and said I could come to the afternoon taping. I was like oh well I won't be here that late. She realized I was from out of town and was like "we can squeeze you in. Just get here by 10." Squee!
I was off from there, and went back to the Times Square area where I was to meet Jordi. I found her and we were happy and we walked around trying to decide where to get a quick meal. We went to this deli thing where there is a buffet, and they charge by weight of the food. I ate a hodge podge of mashed potatoes, pasta, fried rice and macaroni & cheese. It was tasty shit.
Then we went to the theatre- our seats were in the mezzanine, but they were surprisingly good. I could see Bernadette Peters quite well and the show was SPECTACULAR. Completely flawless. I don't even know what they could have done with it to make it once OUNCE better because it was fucking perfect. SO well cast, well danced, well sung, well acted. Just glorious. My favorite part was the top of act 2 where the 4 main characters are arguing... they walk downstage and a greyish flat curtain falls behind them. Then, in a SPLIT second, the curtain is GONE and we see this incredibly backdrop made of bright red flowers, showgirls and everything that embodied the Follies era. It was breathtaking. Then they did a series of big, showy numbers... after that, Bernadette Peters came out to center stage to sing the eleven o'clock number- Losing my Mind. And after ALL the high energy dancing and singing, Bernadette just STOOD THERE and EMOTED and SANG... and it was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Said so much about Sally's character in comparison to the others, and I just ate it up.. Amazing.
After the show, Jordi and I took the subway downtown to this restaurant (Max Brenner) where they are famous for CHOCOLATE. We ate mac & cheese (made with bacon and topped with tiny chopped tomatoes and marinara on the side) waffle fries with spicy cheese dip, and of course we both had dessert. I had this chocolate cake thing topped with strawberries, that came with a tiny chocolate shake thing and a salt and pepper shaker-looking thing in which there was melted chocolate to pour on the cake. Incredible.
Then we Subway-ed uptown to where Jordi lives.. Her apartment is adorable, and yes, small, but more than enough space for one person. I would be thrilled to live in a place like that! So cool. :) We hung out and Jordi serenaded me on the ukulele and then went to sleep. We woke up to an alarm at 7:30ish, but then decided to forego breakfast and sleep a bit more. We eventually got up and got ready, took the subway to midtown, and parted ways. I had to head straight to the studio to see the People's Court again, and Jordi headed off to work. I got to the studio and the green room was packed again. The group there was a high school government class from Long Island (and DUDE what an amazing field trip that was for them!!).. The lady took them all in first and seated them, and then returned to pick about 7-8 other people out of the remaining 10-15 in the green room, because there was limited space for seating in there. (The studio is a lot smaller than it appears on tv.) I was the 2nd person she picked out. At first she thought I was a wayward high school kid, but then she remembered me as being the out of towner from the day before. That day, I was seated AGAIN on the 2nd row, defendant's side.. just a little bit father towards the outside of the bench (away from the center) than where I had been the day before. It was the PERFECT seat.. the day before I was annoyed because the lady in front of me kept craning her neck to see the judge, so then I in turn could NOT see her at times at all. So annoying. That day, I had a GREAT view. The only time I couldn't see her was when the defendant had a witness standing next to them who was talking to the judge.. which, luckily, was only once or twice. We saw SIX cases that day!! I was worried that the high school kids were going to be boisterous and immature, but they seemed happy to be there and were very attentive. It made for a really fun crowd actually! They gave us mini-chocolate bars in the middle of all of it... it was a good time. The hallway guy hung out and spoke to the audience for a little while.. he is shorter than he appears on tv, and also looks a bit older than he does on tv!! He is an attractive fellow though, and very funny and nice. Judge Milian did a Q&A both days after the filming was over.. but that day, I was the ONLY person taking pictures.. lol.
It was fun though of course. I loved going there, because it became even MORE clear to me that Judge Milian is fucking amazing. The cases get edited down quite a bit- each one lasts about 30 minutes real time in the courtroom, but they are edited in order to fit into a 45 minute (because of commercials) show ... and they put 3 cases in each episode! So yeah. She DEFINITELY hears both sides very carefully, and is extremely fair. The woman knows her shit. It is a very legit system.
Anyway, after that I went to yet another McDonalds with one of those amazing soda machines that I love, and ate and sat for a little while. It was raining that day.. boo.
I walked from there and went to various places- more stores (another H&M), the M&M store, other random places like that which I had neglected the day before. It was fun, but I was getting progressively soaked, and water had soaked all the way through my shoes & socks, so I was basically walking in a swamp.
At around 5, I got a cab to head to the airport... traffic was absolutely horrendous. I gave myself ample time to get to the airport, but of course I was late for my check in time .... so... they had to rebook my flight, and I spent the night in JFK, sitting on a very uncomfortable bench being freezing cold. It could have been worse though. I got some snacks and paid for some internet so at least I was occupied. I flew out at about 7:45 the next morning, got home, and slept all day.
It was a great trip. :)
My plane landed Tuesday morning right as scheduled, and I trudged through the LONG corridors of JFK, until I reached the ground transportation area. I considered taking one of those airport shuttle buses into the city, but I would've had to wait a while on them, so I decided to just deal with spending the money and take a cab. It was a beautiful morning, and despite the traffic it was a good ride into the city. I also exchanged some texts with Jordi and we discussed the evening's plans and such. I had the cab driver take me straight to the Marriot so that I could get in line to get Follies tickets for that night.
When we got there, I found the box office and got in line- I was the 4th person. And its a good thing that I had my student ID, because to my surprise, I was in line for student rush tickets! haha. Anyway. It worked out quite well, and I got my 2 tickets (for me & Jordi) for $37 each!! Which is an AWESOME price. So I did that, and then went to the McDonalds that overlooks Times Square and had a tasty breakfast. Then I hung around the Time Square area for a bit.. went to the Forever 21 there which is amazing!! I love it.
From there, I walked in the direction of uptown and took lots of pictures until I ended up at Columbus circle & Central Park. I walked into the park and was taking some pictures when this dude walked towards me and said "What you need? You lose something?" I was like uhh.. no..?! And he was like "you know you're beautiful right?" I didn't say anything and he said "Can I talk to you for like 5 minutes?" and I was like oh no I've got to go, sorry. I mistakenly walked down a path where there was some sort of construction, so I had to turn around and go back to where that dude was so that I could get on another path. When I did that he was like "You coming back? Can I talk to you now?" And I just walked fast and said nothing. I stayed in the park for a good while, and I took LOTS of pictures. I love it there- so gorgeous. I also love seeing the horses and carriages looking all cool and old timey that people pay a lot of money for rides in. :) From there, I walked up 5th Avenue because I LOVE to go in all the stores there... Versace for H&M is TO DIE FOR. Gosh. I wanted so many clothes.. haaha. Also: the Forever 21 on 5th Avenue is EVEN MORE AMAZING than the one in Times Square. There was French pop playing in there.. Yelle to be exact. GAH. It was great times.
I took a Starbucks break and had an amazingly tasty caramel brulee frappuccino. Its a new flavor and I looooove it!!
Then I went over towards the place where The People's Court films.. I was supposed to be there by 2, and I was a few minutes early so I decided to hang out outside for a little while. Its funny because I was trying not to be awkward by being there early, but I ended up being MORE awkward by waiting... I was standing there, and there was a family about 6 feet down the sidewalk from me (a mom, a dad and a little girl who looked like she was about 7 or 8). So I'm standing there and all of a sudden (I had glanced down at this point) a couple exits the building hand in hand. The man was wearing suit pants, and the woman a tight black dress. I looked up at them, saw that unmistakable red hair, and my jaw dropped. My eyes widened as JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN who was off to get a quick lunch with her husband, LOOKED RIGHT AT ME. I am sure I looked like a complete fool, because it was SO CLEAR that I knew who she was and was amazed to see her out and about like that... She kept walking and said hello to the little girl before getting to the corner to cross the street. In my ridiculous awkwardness, I neglected to even snap a creeper picture of them from behind. What a fool am I. I wish I had at least SAID SOMETHING LIKE PERHAPS HELLO I LOVE YOU YOU ARE MY QUEEN. But alas. I did not. Although, she was two feet away from me for a brief moment, and I must say- she is even prettier in person than she is on television. Like, there is nothing fake about her at all. Her makeup is really not as heavy as you'd think it would be (she is 51!) and her hair - which in recent episodes has looked a goldish hue, is actually a brighter, slightly deeper & redder color than it appears under the tv lights. She is incredibly gorgeous.
I went in a few minutes later, and took the elevator up to the 8th floor where the People's Court is filmed. There was someone else on the elevator with me, and the doors opened on the 7th floor. I looked out, and there was a sign that said OWN- the Oprah Winfrey Network.. and some other wall decor which showed rather clearly that I was staring right into the offices at the studio where Gayle King films her talk show. What. How. Is this real life.
The green room was PACKED with people, many of whom seemed to know each other, and I sat in the back row (the room is basically a desk, a corridor, a water fountain and there are bathrooms through the doors at the far side of the room) next to some old ladies. I was basically very overwhelmed with the whole thing. After waiting a little while the lady in charge of the audience took us into the studio and arranged us in our seats. They seat you by basically putting those wearing the brighter colors closer to the front. I ended up in the 2nd row on the defendant's side of the room. It was a good seat.. After a little while Judge Milian, after her lunch, walked into the studio and out through a back door- she gave the audience a quick wave hello. Soon, it was time to film. Throughout all this, I was very distracted by trying to not make any weird faces and stuff, but the cases were hilarious and wonderful. Judge Milian made a heartfelt speech to a family, said a Spanish phrase, and yelled a little bit. It was pretty much awesome. :) We saw 3 cases, and afterwards Judge Milian came back out to the bench, read over some papers, and then re-said some things (which she had said in the cases that day that I guess didn't come out right.. like maybe she tripped over her words? Idk.) But she did that and then stepped off the bench to answer audience questions. Cameras were flashing all over the places, and she was so sweet and funny and very willing to be there. It was a wonderful experience. On the way out I asked the audience lady if I could come back the next morning- and she said that she had a group of 40 coming in and said I could come to the afternoon taping. I was like oh well I won't be here that late. She realized I was from out of town and was like "we can squeeze you in. Just get here by 10." Squee!
I was off from there, and went back to the Times Square area where I was to meet Jordi. I found her and we were happy and we walked around trying to decide where to get a quick meal. We went to this deli thing where there is a buffet, and they charge by weight of the food. I ate a hodge podge of mashed potatoes, pasta, fried rice and macaroni & cheese. It was tasty shit.
Then we went to the theatre- our seats were in the mezzanine, but they were surprisingly good. I could see Bernadette Peters quite well and the show was SPECTACULAR. Completely flawless. I don't even know what they could have done with it to make it once OUNCE better because it was fucking perfect. SO well cast, well danced, well sung, well acted. Just glorious. My favorite part was the top of act 2 where the 4 main characters are arguing... they walk downstage and a greyish flat curtain falls behind them. Then, in a SPLIT second, the curtain is GONE and we see this incredibly backdrop made of bright red flowers, showgirls and everything that embodied the Follies era. It was breathtaking. Then they did a series of big, showy numbers... after that, Bernadette Peters came out to center stage to sing the eleven o'clock number- Losing my Mind. And after ALL the high energy dancing and singing, Bernadette just STOOD THERE and EMOTED and SANG... and it was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Said so much about Sally's character in comparison to the others, and I just ate it up.. Amazing.
After the show, Jordi and I took the subway downtown to this restaurant (Max Brenner) where they are famous for CHOCOLATE. We ate mac & cheese (made with bacon and topped with tiny chopped tomatoes and marinara on the side) waffle fries with spicy cheese dip, and of course we both had dessert. I had this chocolate cake thing topped with strawberries, that came with a tiny chocolate shake thing and a salt and pepper shaker-looking thing in which there was melted chocolate to pour on the cake. Incredible.
Then we Subway-ed uptown to where Jordi lives.. Her apartment is adorable, and yes, small, but more than enough space for one person. I would be thrilled to live in a place like that! So cool. :) We hung out and Jordi serenaded me on the ukulele and then went to sleep. We woke up to an alarm at 7:30ish, but then decided to forego breakfast and sleep a bit more. We eventually got up and got ready, took the subway to midtown, and parted ways. I had to head straight to the studio to see the People's Court again, and Jordi headed off to work. I got to the studio and the green room was packed again. The group there was a high school government class from Long Island (and DUDE what an amazing field trip that was for them!!).. The lady took them all in first and seated them, and then returned to pick about 7-8 other people out of the remaining 10-15 in the green room, because there was limited space for seating in there. (The studio is a lot smaller than it appears on tv.) I was the 2nd person she picked out. At first she thought I was a wayward high school kid, but then she remembered me as being the out of towner from the day before. That day, I was seated AGAIN on the 2nd row, defendant's side.. just a little bit father towards the outside of the bench (away from the center) than where I had been the day before. It was the PERFECT seat.. the day before I was annoyed because the lady in front of me kept craning her neck to see the judge, so then I in turn could NOT see her at times at all. So annoying. That day, I had a GREAT view. The only time I couldn't see her was when the defendant had a witness standing next to them who was talking to the judge.. which, luckily, was only once or twice. We saw SIX cases that day!! I was worried that the high school kids were going to be boisterous and immature, but they seemed happy to be there and were very attentive. It made for a really fun crowd actually! They gave us mini-chocolate bars in the middle of all of it... it was a good time. The hallway guy hung out and spoke to the audience for a little while.. he is shorter than he appears on tv, and also looks a bit older than he does on tv!! He is an attractive fellow though, and very funny and nice. Judge Milian did a Q&A both days after the filming was over.. but that day, I was the ONLY person taking pictures.. lol.
It was fun though of course. I loved going there, because it became even MORE clear to me that Judge Milian is fucking amazing. The cases get edited down quite a bit- each one lasts about 30 minutes real time in the courtroom, but they are edited in order to fit into a 45 minute (because of commercials) show ... and they put 3 cases in each episode! So yeah. She DEFINITELY hears both sides very carefully, and is extremely fair. The woman knows her shit. It is a very legit system.
Anyway, after that I went to yet another McDonalds with one of those amazing soda machines that I love, and ate and sat for a little while. It was raining that day.. boo.
I walked from there and went to various places- more stores (another H&M), the M&M store, other random places like that which I had neglected the day before. It was fun, but I was getting progressively soaked, and water had soaked all the way through my shoes & socks, so I was basically walking in a swamp.
At around 5, I got a cab to head to the airport... traffic was absolutely horrendous. I gave myself ample time to get to the airport, but of course I was late for my check in time .... so... they had to rebook my flight, and I spent the night in JFK, sitting on a very uncomfortable bench being freezing cold. It could have been worse though. I got some snacks and paid for some internet so at least I was occupied. I flew out at about 7:45 the next morning, got home, and slept all day.
It was a great trip. :)
Friday, November 18, 2011
so many doubts;
New York was amazing.
Poland is SET for January through the end of March.. after that (if I can't find another au pair gig in the UK or Ireland) I would like to spend about a week or 2 in that area and just travel and explore.
Perhaps I can spend a few weekends in Italy during the Poland thing, and I get to do Paris for New Years with Erin.. so at least that way I will get to see the places I most want to see.
I will eventually write a more detailed post about NYC, but right now I am yet again unsure what the hell I want to do with my life.
I was pretty set on this grad school thing until today. I was watching My Extreme Animal Phobia today, on which Dr. Robin Zasio is the therapist, and I was watching her deal with these people who were being complete bitches to her and yelling at her. And she was just like ... being all sweet and stuff.. and like, I am just not sure that I could do as good a job at stuff like that as Dr. Zasio does. I am a person who basically MAKES myself be good at the things I do.. so if I think I am not going to be good at something, I either put it off or do something else or whatnot. I don't know. Part of me just wants to escape to NYC.. but nothing about moving there would be an escape. Costs of living are high there so I mean.. it would be a huge challenge, and I would not want to get up there and then either not be able to find a job or find a job that I end up hating.. I just don't know.
Why do I never know what to do with myself.
Anyone reading this want to tell me what to do with my life??
I just want Judge Milian to preside over my life and tell me what to do. That would be great.
Poland is SET for January through the end of March.. after that (if I can't find another au pair gig in the UK or Ireland) I would like to spend about a week or 2 in that area and just travel and explore.
Perhaps I can spend a few weekends in Italy during the Poland thing, and I get to do Paris for New Years with Erin.. so at least that way I will get to see the places I most want to see.
I will eventually write a more detailed post about NYC, but right now I am yet again unsure what the hell I want to do with my life.
I was pretty set on this grad school thing until today. I was watching My Extreme Animal Phobia today, on which Dr. Robin Zasio is the therapist, and I was watching her deal with these people who were being complete bitches to her and yelling at her. And she was just like ... being all sweet and stuff.. and like, I am just not sure that I could do as good a job at stuff like that as Dr. Zasio does. I am a person who basically MAKES myself be good at the things I do.. so if I think I am not going to be good at something, I either put it off or do something else or whatnot. I don't know. Part of me just wants to escape to NYC.. but nothing about moving there would be an escape. Costs of living are high there so I mean.. it would be a huge challenge, and I would not want to get up there and then either not be able to find a job or find a job that I end up hating.. I just don't know.
Why do I never know what to do with myself.
Anyone reading this want to tell me what to do with my life??
I just want Judge Milian to preside over my life and tell me what to do. That would be great.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
i saw the sign;
I am apparently a libra sun sign, virgo moon, and libra rising.
Someone I follow on tumblr recently started like.. letting people send her their birthday days/times/places and somehow from that this information is gathered.
Anyway, this fascinates me because I am fascinated by digging deeper as far as personalities.. and like.. its cool that the stuff it says is so true of me!
Like this:
Libra Sun Sign--
Motto: "To every action there is an opposite and equal reaction."
Greatest Strength: Your grace and charm when helping others
Possible Weakness: Forgetting to take care of your own needs
The Scales are the only zodiac symbol that's neither animal nor human -- but surely that doesn't make you any less human. In fact, you are among the most sociable of the signs. As scales of old were really "balances," so to do you seek balance in all that you do. You respond to situations with grace as you attempt to put others at ease. Artistically, you try to balance form, content, colors and elements, and for this reason can be drawn toward creative endeavors.
Virgo Moon---
Motto: "I feel like I can do better."
Greatest Strength: Your ability to analyze your emotions
Possible Weakness: The tendency to be too self-critical
The Virgin is highly discriminating, but not necessarily as prudish at some might believe. In ancient times, a Virgin was a woman who was not the property of man, and therefore had the legal right to just say "no." Now, in modern times, you Virgos are known for your ability to be highly discriminating. When you are ready, however, to say yes, the laser-like focus of your passion is anything but prudish. Generally, you have a great deal of common sense. But you tend to be tough on yourself, finding flaws that others might overlook. Learning to overlook the small stuff now and then can be good for you.
Libra Rising---
Motto: "Is everybody happy?"
Greatest Strength: Bringing harmony to your environment
Possible Weakness: Unwillingness to deal with confrontation
Libra Rising is a sign of social skill, charm and grace. You approach the world with a distinct sense of harmony, seeking to create an environment in which others feel welcome. Your manner is likely to be quite attractive with a natural sense of style. You often put others first, setting aside own needs until theirs are met. While this is a delightful habit that most people appreciate, it can make it harder to stand up for yourself. Battling for others, for justice and fairness comes easily, but fighting for your own interests may be more difficult.
This stuff is kind of cool!! :)
Someone I follow on tumblr recently started like.. letting people send her their birthday days/times/places and somehow from that this information is gathered.
Anyway, this fascinates me because I am fascinated by digging deeper as far as personalities.. and like.. its cool that the stuff it says is so true of me!
Like this:
Libra Sun Sign--
Motto: "To every action there is an opposite and equal reaction."
Greatest Strength: Your grace and charm when helping others
Possible Weakness: Forgetting to take care of your own needs
The Scales are the only zodiac symbol that's neither animal nor human -- but surely that doesn't make you any less human. In fact, you are among the most sociable of the signs. As scales of old were really "balances," so to do you seek balance in all that you do. You respond to situations with grace as you attempt to put others at ease. Artistically, you try to balance form, content, colors and elements, and for this reason can be drawn toward creative endeavors.
Virgo Moon---
Motto: "I feel like I can do better."
Greatest Strength: Your ability to analyze your emotions
Possible Weakness: The tendency to be too self-critical
The Virgin is highly discriminating, but not necessarily as prudish at some might believe. In ancient times, a Virgin was a woman who was not the property of man, and therefore had the legal right to just say "no." Now, in modern times, you Virgos are known for your ability to be highly discriminating. When you are ready, however, to say yes, the laser-like focus of your passion is anything but prudish. Generally, you have a great deal of common sense. But you tend to be tough on yourself, finding flaws that others might overlook. Learning to overlook the small stuff now and then can be good for you.
Libra Rising---
Motto: "Is everybody happy?"
Greatest Strength: Bringing harmony to your environment
Possible Weakness: Unwillingness to deal with confrontation
Libra Rising is a sign of social skill, charm and grace. You approach the world with a distinct sense of harmony, seeking to create an environment in which others feel welcome. Your manner is likely to be quite attractive with a natural sense of style. You often put others first, setting aside own needs until theirs are met. While this is a delightful habit that most people appreciate, it can make it harder to stand up for yourself. Battling for others, for justice and fairness comes easily, but fighting for your own interests may be more difficult.
This stuff is kind of cool!! :)
Monday, November 7, 2011
its like summer;
There is no one on the internet right now to talk to so I am going to talk to this blog.
I am having trouble deciding how long in total I would like to be in Europe/au pair-ing... I think that between my 2 options for January, I would fit in better with Poland family than England family. From there, I have that definite Italy offer for April through the end of June.
At that point, if I get into UMiami and decide to go, then I will have to come back to the US so I can like move to Miami and get a job and somewhere to live and stuff.. BUT, the more likely thing is that I will not get into UMiami. Frankly, I don't know if I will get into ANY of the grad schools I'm applying to.
I think that I have pretty much decided however, to apply to start in January 2013 at the other schools.. I would do the same for UMiami, but they make you start in the fall for that program.
If I start grad school in January, then I will have time for a 3rd (and maybe a 4th if someone allows a 2 month commitment which is rare but not impossible) au pair experience. In that case, if I have already gone to Poland and Italy by that point, I would like to go to the UK or Ireland.. or France.
Its just hard I guess because now that I kind of have a potential idea of what I want to do with my life, I feel like I should not waste a lot of time galavanting through Europe.. BUT at the same time I know that this is the perfect time for me to travel because I am not yet tied down to anything. At all.
I really am in love with the Miami area though.. I might move down there whether I get into school down there or not.
Who knows.
I am having trouble deciding how long in total I would like to be in Europe/au pair-ing... I think that between my 2 options for January, I would fit in better with Poland family than England family. From there, I have that definite Italy offer for April through the end of June.
At that point, if I get into UMiami and decide to go, then I will have to come back to the US so I can like move to Miami and get a job and somewhere to live and stuff.. BUT, the more likely thing is that I will not get into UMiami. Frankly, I don't know if I will get into ANY of the grad schools I'm applying to.
I think that I have pretty much decided however, to apply to start in January 2013 at the other schools.. I would do the same for UMiami, but they make you start in the fall for that program.
If I start grad school in January, then I will have time for a 3rd (and maybe a 4th if someone allows a 2 month commitment which is rare but not impossible) au pair experience. In that case, if I have already gone to Poland and Italy by that point, I would like to go to the UK or Ireland.. or France.
Its just hard I guess because now that I kind of have a potential idea of what I want to do with my life, I feel like I should not waste a lot of time galavanting through Europe.. BUT at the same time I know that this is the perfect time for me to travel because I am not yet tied down to anything. At all.
I really am in love with the Miami area though.. I might move down there whether I get into school down there or not.
Who knows.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
i have a heart like the sea;
This week is going to be lame and filled with work at both places far too often.
But then..
November 12: my last Bread Bash
November 15: NYC
November 17: Erin comes to visit from Georgia??
November 22: last day at retail job
November 24: THANKSGIVING.
December __: last day at catering job
December 18: move out of apartment
December 20: taking the GRE
December 25: Christmas
December 28: fly to PARIS
This is what is happening with the rest of my year. This is good.
Now, as far as January, it looks like I'll be going to either England or Poland.
I am going to make this shit work.
It could be either: England 3 months, Italy 3 months (Milan, NOT Verona), ambiguity.
Or: Poland 3 months, Italy 3 months, ambiiguity.
Or: England 3 months, Poland 2 months, ambiguity.
Goodness.
This stuff is complicated but.. I can deal.
Both Polish families seem AMAZING.. It is going to be really hard for me to make this decision, but I am very blessed that I have a decision to make and that I am not going to be stuck in NC anymore. lol
I really like the Milan, Italy family.. they have 2 little adorable girls. And my desire to go to Italy remains, despite the negative experience I had with my previous Italian family (aka my post from Friday). Also, this whole grad school thing is causing me to kind of be in a pickle.. like.. I don't know whether or not I need to bank on going to grad school in the fall or not. I am considering applying to start 2nd semester (January) everywhere except UMiami.. That way, I would have time to go to 3 countries as an au pair, and then have some extra time to scope out places to live in Florida (because I am completely enamored with Miami all of a sudden.. Tampa is my 2nd choice) and jobs and the like. Who knows.
Life is complicated.
But then..
November 12: my last Bread Bash
November 15: NYC
November 17: Erin comes to visit from Georgia??
November 22: last day at retail job
November 24: THANKSGIVING.
December __: last day at catering job
December 18: move out of apartment
December 20: taking the GRE
December 25: Christmas
December 28: fly to PARIS
This is what is happening with the rest of my year. This is good.
Now, as far as January, it looks like I'll be going to either England or Poland.
I am going to make this shit work.
It could be either: England 3 months, Italy 3 months (Milan, NOT Verona), ambiguity.
Or: Poland 3 months, Italy 3 months, ambiiguity.
Or: England 3 months, Poland 2 months, ambiguity.
Goodness.
This stuff is complicated but.. I can deal.
Both Polish families seem AMAZING.. It is going to be really hard for me to make this decision, but I am very blessed that I have a decision to make and that I am not going to be stuck in NC anymore. lol
I really like the Milan, Italy family.. they have 2 little adorable girls. And my desire to go to Italy remains, despite the negative experience I had with my previous Italian family (aka my post from Friday). Also, this whole grad school thing is causing me to kind of be in a pickle.. like.. I don't know whether or not I need to bank on going to grad school in the fall or not. I am considering applying to start 2nd semester (January) everywhere except UMiami.. That way, I would have time to go to 3 countries as an au pair, and then have some extra time to scope out places to live in Florida (because I am completely enamored with Miami all of a sudden.. Tampa is my 2nd choice) and jobs and the like. Who knows.
Life is complicated.
a million dreams are in me;
Here's what I want for the next few years: Europe (England, Poland, Italy, Ireland).. and then I want to move to Miami, dye my hair red, get a Masters, and swim with dolphins. After that: who knows.
Here's what I want right now: sleep.
Here's what I want right now: sleep.
Friday, November 4, 2011
sick of everything;
Will someone please tell me why it is that every other day something incredibly shitty happens and I end up crying to my mother about it because there is no one else to talk to.
My "host family" has apparently magically found some girl who can au pair for them for a full year (illegally I presume? Because apparently for them breaking laws is JUST FINE) and want to have her come instead of me.
To that I say: Fuck you.
But at the same time, I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO AT ALL IF I DO NOT TO GO FUCKING ITALY. THIS IS NOT AN OKAY SITUATION.
I will have NO job NO apartment NO NOTHING. No prospects whatsoever.
My life is such a worthless pile of shit.
My "host family" has apparently magically found some girl who can au pair for them for a full year (illegally I presume? Because apparently for them breaking laws is JUST FINE) and want to have her come instead of me.
To that I say: Fuck you.
But at the same time, I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO AT ALL IF I DO NOT TO GO FUCKING ITALY. THIS IS NOT AN OKAY SITUATION.
I will have NO job NO apartment NO NOTHING. No prospects whatsoever.
My life is such a worthless pile of shit.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
you're saying a lot of words but I'm still not understanding;
LOL I am watching a case on the People's Court right now about this woman who did PR for an outdoor show and its SO RIDICULOUS. Ohmygoodness PR is the bigglest load of crap sometimes.. its just a lot of frilly words that mean very little. Judge Milian is like seriously woman wtf is this crap it means nothing. I am so amused. Why did I major in PR???!?!?! -____-
Monday, October 31, 2011
go for it anyway;
Here are some items of business.
1. I got on that guest list for the People's Court, and I was told I could bring a buddy (though I may NOT wear white or tan (LOL TELEVISION AUDIENCE RULES)) so I am going to fucking NYC in a couple weeks whether my jobs or my checking account like it or not. I have asked Katherine to join me, and I hope she can because of course I would prefer to have a buddy, but I am going either way and I am pretty stoked about it!!
PLUS I GET TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS JUDGE MILIAN MY QUEEN I LOVE HER.
2. My last day at the retail job is the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.. Thus, I only have a couple more weeks until I am back to being a one-job lady. That will be a relief.
3. I am really disappointed that I won't get to be in Italy for more than 3 months, but I am rolling with it and back to the grind of trying to find a host family so I can go somewhere else after that. Poland is an option now- I've emailed back and forth a couple times with a Polish family that seems awesome- I think I would love them. I hope that, or something equally good, works out.
4. I am mildly considering applying to the University of Miami for a Masters in Mental Health Counseling & Therapy. It seems like a really cool program.. Miami culture seems AWESOME, and I mean.. I am not TOTALLY sure that this is my true calling, but it is definitely something I have been interested in for years, so I think I should at least apply and see what happens!
5. That said, I need to take the GRE... and I need to do it before I leave the country. Luckily, there are a LOT of dates & times available in December (I'm leaning towards December 20 at the moment) .. because my UM application has to be in by March I think.. so I'll have to do that from Verona. :) (MY LIFE IS GETTING COOL Y'ALL)
Anyway.. sometime this week I need to locate a book with which to study for the GRE which has apparently changed VERY recently, so I'll have to get a new book. But.. whatever. I will learn some shit I guess and take a test and then I will have that to submit in case I FOR REAL go to grad school. The risky part of this is, I need to kick the GRE's ass, because I only have time to take it once before this application is due.. Blargh.
Anyway, that's what's up. :)
1. I got on that guest list for the People's Court, and I was told I could bring a buddy (though I may NOT wear white or tan (LOL TELEVISION AUDIENCE RULES)) so I am going to fucking NYC in a couple weeks whether my jobs or my checking account like it or not. I have asked Katherine to join me, and I hope she can because of course I would prefer to have a buddy, but I am going either way and I am pretty stoked about it!!
PLUS I GET TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS JUDGE MILIAN MY QUEEN I LOVE HER.
2. My last day at the retail job is the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.. Thus, I only have a couple more weeks until I am back to being a one-job lady. That will be a relief.
3. I am really disappointed that I won't get to be in Italy for more than 3 months, but I am rolling with it and back to the grind of trying to find a host family so I can go somewhere else after that. Poland is an option now- I've emailed back and forth a couple times with a Polish family that seems awesome- I think I would love them. I hope that, or something equally good, works out.
4. I am mildly considering applying to the University of Miami for a Masters in Mental Health Counseling & Therapy. It seems like a really cool program.. Miami culture seems AWESOME, and I mean.. I am not TOTALLY sure that this is my true calling, but it is definitely something I have been interested in for years, so I think I should at least apply and see what happens!
5. That said, I need to take the GRE... and I need to do it before I leave the country. Luckily, there are a LOT of dates & times available in December (I'm leaning towards December 20 at the moment) .. because my UM application has to be in by March I think.. so I'll have to do that from Verona. :) (MY LIFE IS GETTING COOL Y'ALL)
Anyway.. sometime this week I need to locate a book with which to study for the GRE which has apparently changed VERY recently, so I'll have to get a new book. But.. whatever. I will learn some shit I guess and take a test and then I will have that to submit in case I FOR REAL go to grad school. The risky part of this is, I need to kick the GRE's ass, because I only have time to take it once before this application is due.. Blargh.
Anyway, that's what's up. :)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
sit back down where you belong;
I need to learn to live my life to the fullest while I have the chance. I learned that lesson even more so today than I had before..
Yesterday I basically gave up on making it to NYC before Christmas to see The People's Court.. and I am 100% sure that everyone reading this is like lol wtf who gives a shit about a court show. But its not the SHOW that I love, its the Judge. More about that later.
TODAY, I was laying around like always, and I got a call from a 212 number.. I was like uhh ok what is this so I answered it in a haze, as the phone had awoken me from a nap. It was a lady from People's Court, telling me that there are tickets available for the week of November 15.
Now, I emailed about tickets about a month and a half ago. WHO GETS A RESPONSE to anything after that long. I was pretty surprised that I did.
And this may sound silly to you, but I am taking this as a sign that I should take that trip. Yes its yet another financial strain I'm putting on myself, but I work really hard every day, and I think I can make this work.
I need to become more of a risk taker, and stop fearing the future. I need to live life to the fullest and follow my dreams NOW. Because if not, it may never happen.
That has been the lesson of the day.
Now, more about that judge I love..
Judge Marilyn Milian has been a massive inspiration in my life, as I have been watching her preside over her courtroom since I was in 5th grade. I saw how knowledgeable, clever, wise, compassionate, confident, and FIERCE she is, and I wanted to both BE HER and know her at the same time. And I still feel that way. I have always been easily inspired by/infatuated with people, but there are a few who have shaped me into who I am today, and one of those people is Marilyn Milian... (the others are Susan Powell (though she was a friend of mine), Stacy London, Oprah, and Jurga, my boss at work). But that is really all. I love a LOT of people, but these are the ones who have REALLY shaped me into who I am, whether they know it or not, and gave me strong role models who I can look up to and strive to be more like.
Anyway, I am NYC bound in just a couple weeks!! Eek!! :D
Yesterday I basically gave up on making it to NYC before Christmas to see The People's Court.. and I am 100% sure that everyone reading this is like lol wtf who gives a shit about a court show. But its not the SHOW that I love, its the Judge. More about that later.
TODAY, I was laying around like always, and I got a call from a 212 number.. I was like uhh ok what is this so I answered it in a haze, as the phone had awoken me from a nap. It was a lady from People's Court, telling me that there are tickets available for the week of November 15.
Now, I emailed about tickets about a month and a half ago. WHO GETS A RESPONSE to anything after that long. I was pretty surprised that I did.
And this may sound silly to you, but I am taking this as a sign that I should take that trip. Yes its yet another financial strain I'm putting on myself, but I work really hard every day, and I think I can make this work.
I need to become more of a risk taker, and stop fearing the future. I need to live life to the fullest and follow my dreams NOW. Because if not, it may never happen.
That has been the lesson of the day.
Now, more about that judge I love..
Judge Marilyn Milian has been a massive inspiration in my life, as I have been watching her preside over her courtroom since I was in 5th grade. I saw how knowledgeable, clever, wise, compassionate, confident, and FIERCE she is, and I wanted to both BE HER and know her at the same time. And I still feel that way. I have always been easily inspired by/infatuated with people, but there are a few who have shaped me into who I am today, and one of those people is Marilyn Milian... (the others are Susan Powell (though she was a friend of mine), Stacy London, Oprah, and Jurga, my boss at work). But that is really all. I love a LOT of people, but these are the ones who have REALLY shaped me into who I am, whether they know it or not, and gave me strong role models who I can look up to and strive to be more like.
Anyway, I am NYC bound in just a couple weeks!! Eek!! :D
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
fierce girls are going places;
I have decided to create myself an "inspiration board" of sorts.. but without the board itself for the time being. I am dissatisfied with the person I am acting like lately, and the way I have been responding to the challenges life's been throwing at me.
I admire a lot of people, the majority of whom are amazing, powerful, fierce as hell women who I would love to be more like. Below, I am going to list each person ...or character... and then some qualities that I see in them that I would like to cultivate in myself. :)
Jurga! (my boss at work)
-FIERCE
-never afraid to speak her mind
-epitome of a great leader: supportive yet stern
-knows what she is doing
-works with enthusiasm and a smile, even when she is exhausted or having a bad day
-smart.. seems to know EVERYTHING
-confident!!
-not afraid to take a risk
-doesn't let things bother her for too long.. deals with it, and moves on
-flipping gorgeous
Judge Marilyn Milian (who presides over The People's Court)
-HOLY CRAP SO PRETTY
-perceptive
-wise
-brilliant
-super confident in herself.. never doubts herself
-clever & funny
-makes people comfortable
-STRONG. Has gotten through many rough situations and gotten even stronger because of it.
-supportive of people emotionally, but never biased
-FIERCE
-not afraid to let loose on people who have done something wrong
Stacy London
-beautiful inside and out! :D
-generous
-loving & kind
-confident & FIERCE
-invests in others
-genuine
-creative and bold in her style choices
-believes in a little self-indulgence.. :)
Bernadette Peters
-follows her passion no matter what
-gotten through rough times and is still thriving
-BEAUTIFUL
-talented as fuck
-funny/clever
-confident!
-sweet and caring of everyone she encounters
-stylish
Renee on Desperate Housewives (played by Vanessa Williams)
-sassy & FIERCE AS HELL
-SO confident
-hot
-fabulous personal style
-encouraging yet frank
-risk taker
Lorelai Gilmore on Gilmore Girls (played by Lauren Graham)
-outgoing
-hilarious
-gorgeous
-unique, and unafraid to be her true self!
-always there when she is needed
Lucille Ball
-talented
-gorgeous
-HILARIOUS
-never afraid to take a risk
-confident
-spoke her mind
River Song on Doctor Who (played by Alex Kingston)
-HOT
-adventurous
-FIERCE
-super confident & outgoing
-loving
-self-sacrificing
Gabrielle Soliz on Desperate Housewives (played by Eva Longoria)
-adorable
-gorgeous
-SO funny
-super stylish
-moves on from tragedy with grace and confidence
-believes in the good in the world
-strong
Oprah Winfrey
-wise
-strong
-caring & loving
-not afraid to give in ANY way she can
-believes in herself
-not afraid to dig deep and face problems at their core
-believes in her dreams, and the power within herself
I admire a lot of people, the majority of whom are amazing, powerful, fierce as hell women who I would love to be more like. Below, I am going to list each person ...or character... and then some qualities that I see in them that I would like to cultivate in myself. :)
Jurga! (my boss at work)
-FIERCE
-never afraid to speak her mind
-epitome of a great leader: supportive yet stern
-knows what she is doing
-works with enthusiasm and a smile, even when she is exhausted or having a bad day
-smart.. seems to know EVERYTHING
-confident!!
-not afraid to take a risk
-doesn't let things bother her for too long.. deals with it, and moves on
-flipping gorgeous
Judge Marilyn Milian (who presides over The People's Court)
-HOLY CRAP SO PRETTY
-perceptive
-wise
-brilliant
-super confident in herself.. never doubts herself
-clever & funny
-makes people comfortable
-STRONG. Has gotten through many rough situations and gotten even stronger because of it.
-supportive of people emotionally, but never biased
-FIERCE
-not afraid to let loose on people who have done something wrong
Stacy London
-beautiful inside and out! :D
-generous
-loving & kind
-confident & FIERCE
-invests in others
-genuine
-creative and bold in her style choices
-believes in a little self-indulgence.. :)
Bernadette Peters
-follows her passion no matter what
-gotten through rough times and is still thriving
-BEAUTIFUL
-talented as fuck
-funny/clever
-confident!
-sweet and caring of everyone she encounters
-stylish
Renee on Desperate Housewives (played by Vanessa Williams)
-sassy & FIERCE AS HELL
-SO confident
-hot
-fabulous personal style
-encouraging yet frank
-risk taker
Lorelai Gilmore on Gilmore Girls (played by Lauren Graham)
-outgoing
-hilarious
-gorgeous
-unique, and unafraid to be her true self!
-always there when she is needed
Lucille Ball
-talented
-gorgeous
-HILARIOUS
-never afraid to take a risk
-confident
-spoke her mind
River Song on Doctor Who (played by Alex Kingston)
-HOT
-adventurous
-FIERCE
-super confident & outgoing
-loving
-self-sacrificing
Gabrielle Soliz on Desperate Housewives (played by Eva Longoria)
-adorable
-gorgeous
-SO funny
-super stylish
-moves on from tragedy with grace and confidence
-believes in the good in the world
-strong
Oprah Winfrey
-wise
-strong
-caring & loving
-not afraid to give in ANY way she can
-believes in herself
-not afraid to dig deep and face problems at their core
-believes in her dreams, and the power within herself
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