marry the night;

Disclaimer: That which you are about to read is a huge rambling series of paragraphs which are all things I have been thinking about lately. Buckle up.

I kind of wish that I had taken more challenging classes in college and NOT done the whole J-school thing.. it was a huge waste of time, and I feel like there are better things I could have done. Like take some crap that would have allowed me to go to law school... or even just taken stats & more psych classes so that I could really go to grad school for mental health counseling. BUH. I don't know anymore. I honestly just want to make something of myself. I want to have a job I love in a place that is awesome.. and I want to not have to worry about whether or not I can afford the things I need. Because all my life I have heard the worries & complaints from my parents about money.. and ever since I started working I have lived the most frugal life possible because I am DESPERATELY trying to save so that I will not end up broke. I have lately been trying to be more spontaneous and live to the fullest (hence the recent NYC trip and my upcoming European excursion) but that doesn't change the fact that I am so paranoid that I will have money problems for my whole life.
In 2 weeks I am moving out of this town (my college town) which I have lived in for over 4 years now. I am not even a little bit sad, and I do not think I will miss it. A friend at work asked me if I were going to have a going away party... and I really don't think that's necessary.. haha. Like, I don't know.. I just hate it when a big hoopla is happening because of me. I had that party at graduation because I wanted to mesh my work friends with my college friends, and it turned out to be rather awkward (albeit fun as well). I'm also trying to avoid making a big deal of this because I really don't think 3 months is that long. Its not like I'm trying to LIVE in Europe, like Erin is. I'll be gone for 3 months.. 4 TOPS. And then I will be hanging out with my parents (GUUUUH) until I can find a job I guess. I am going to apply to things via the internet during my last month in Europe and MAYBE POSSIBLY HOPEFULLY something will come of it. Because failure is unacceptable to me.
I was thinking the other day how my mother raised me to believe that anything below a slightly above average performance at something is a huge failure. I think she instilled this belief in me via encouraging me to do well in school and stay focused, etc. I was SO disciplined as a kid. In middle school when I started doing theatre it was my job to get my father out the door to take me to school and theatre stuff and my job to get my crap done.. and I always did it. I didn't see anything else as an option. That's why I did so well in high school. I didn't see an option for anything different.
I kind of wish I had worked my ass off more at acting/singing/dancing and not felt like I couldn't make it with that. I don't have a very marketable personality, but I really wish I had worked harder at that... maybe even tried to market my old youtube channel a little more. I would love to be on television; like maybe host a show of some kind.
Also, lately... while watching reruns of Full House (and hearing Judge Milian mention her family all the time and stuff) it kind of makes me want to get married.. is that weird? When I was little, getting married is something I just assumed would happen someday, but in the latter half of my college years as I became more of a 'woman of the world' so to speak and more confident and less.. I dunno.. less prudish perhaps? I decided that marriage was something that was not necessary to my life at all, ever. I never fully ruled it out, but I just decided not to chase after it. But my goodness. It really seems great. Maybe it seems great to me now because I am so alone all the time and I would really love to have one person in my life who is 100% there for me all the time and who loves me and thinks I am wonderful. Or maybe it seems great because its something that is actually part of my life's course/plan/journey. Who knows. I mean it doesn't even really matter at all right now as there is NO MAN IN MY LIFE AT ALL. NONE. ZILCH. NADA. (As you can see, ogling at John Stamos through a computer screen is great, but it becomes a bit frustrating when you'd love to make out with him and he is not on THIS side of the screen.)
Anyway,
in regard to what I was saying way earlier in this post.
I would like to maybe do something with some of my coworkers at some point before I leave. I just don't know what or when or how to arrange such a thing without being the most awkward turtle of all. It would basically have to be a dinner thing I guess.. or a weekend thing (and this weekend is right now and all that's left is next weekend). Its just hard to arrange something for these people because all our schedules are so ridiculous and demanding. buhhh what is my life.
What is this post even about.
There's nothing to hold on to here anymore. So its definitely time to move on. I am ready for that. I just wish I had more of a long term plan than I do.