you might think im losing my mind, but i will shy away from the specifics

that is pretty much the cutest thing ever. and SOOO TRUE.

in other news, my room is about as big a mess as my life is.. and today after spending 3 hours making cockroach costumes with Taylor and tearing my room apart looking for my blasted leg warmers, i looked at the MESS surrounding me & said, "things like this make me feel like I don't deserve to live" ..& then I LOLed my pants off in a laughing mental breakdown for like 10minutes.
such is life.

unraveled

I feel like everything in my life is spinning out of control all around me.
That every aspect of my life is a long ribbon stapled to my being and they're whipping in the sharp cold wind.
Unraveling.
Tangling me up.
Strangling me.
Nothing is under my control.
Everything is blowing in the breeze
and the moment I feel like I have one or two back
clutched between my bony fingers;
the hurricane comes.

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread;
that my entire life is a great cluster of helium balloons
and I'm grasping them with all my might
but my palms are starting to sweat
and they're slipping.
Some have already gone,
wriggling out of the bundle
floating away...

Fearing failure is no longer relevant because I am already failing.
And in some ways,
I don't care.

I don't like this
but I have accepted it
its happening.
I am gripping onto those balloons ...

I just wish that my effort to make things better would actually make something better.
I have to work my ass off for something you would call a disappointment.

this is all i've got.

at least ipods are normal sized.

How many songs total: 2517

How many hours or days of music: 6 days... (how is that correct?!)

Sort by song title

First song: ABC Cafe/Red & Black- Les Miserables
Last song: Zydrate Anatomy- Repo: The Genetic Opera

Sort by time

Shortest song: Transition: Tear Up Those Records- Anyone Can Whistle
Longest song: Simple: The Interrogation- Anyone Can Whistle.. how ironic?!?

Sort by album

First album: Abbey Road
Last album: 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling

Top five most played songs

1. Devil in Me- Kate Voegele
2. Somewhere only we know- Keane
3. Shattered- OAR
4. Where I Stood- Missy Higgins
5. Might Have Been- Kate Voegele

First song that comes up on shuffle-
Somebody to Love- Glee Cast

Search the following & state how many songs come up

Death - 8
Life - 37
Love - 129
Hate - 6
You - 375
Sex - 1

you carry your heavy heart with such grace;

i suck at academics.
for real...
i mean, i have clearly been procrastinating a lot this semester. but like, i do what i am supposed to do, and i always feel like i do it well.. and when i have to study, i do. and then i take a test and do crappily on it. i havent even been doing well on papers which it weird for me.
it sucks.
i am so stupid.
i am not smart enough for this school, or to be in the j-school, but at this point i have to keep on trudging because i am too far along to change my major... -_-

i just need to make it through so i can keep doing shows. this is my only purpose now. lol. i suck at lifeeeeeeee!! GUH.

thats all.

wooka wooka wooka

Here is why I love my hall...

Today after returning from dinner with my dear friend Taylor having consumed a ceasar salad & broccoli cheddar soup & 2 giant cups of dr pepper, I decided to work on props for a little while, and then Taylor & I thought we would make use of my four hula hoops by going in the hall and attempting to use them.
So we did.
And I was good at it for the first time IN MY LIFE.
And then Erin & Sarah O. joined us, and later Tara came, and it was delightful.

SO that went on for like an hour.

Then this Asian girl read my palm and told me I was going to have 3 kids- 2 boys & a girl. And also that I would have a good career but then in my 40s stop working and let the husband deal with the finances. Also she said that I'm not going to be healthy when I get older which is pretty terrifying. So then I ate 3 lenoir cookies because I don't care.

But she did say that time is in flux, and the lines on your hands change as you get older and make decisions that will impact your future. Its all quite interesting really.

I need to learn more about this.
:) lol.

& yet i have hope

Yet I call this to mind & therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. -Lamentations 3:22-23

i think its important to note

Here are some aspects of my personality type that are particularly relevant to how I feel right now.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others.

these folks are predisposed to closure in matters pertaining to people, and especially on behalf of their beloved.

The ENFJ puts relationships and responsibilities before personal leisure. Their time can be imposed upon easily

ENFJs may find themselves feeling responsible for the feelings of others to an extent which places a burden on the relationship.

They are likely to be very concerned about the problems of those close to them

so basically..
I don't play.. let's remember that before you start fucking with my FRIENDS.
I will fight you.
And I will win.
You DO NOT mess with people I love.
No sir.

just high enough to get through

Just like those song lyrics,
you're on constant replay in my head.
I wonder if I will ever forget
or ever be able to think of that time
without thinking of you.
But without you,
I would not be who I am.
You built me up to tear me down.
And that will stay with me forever.


..

On a different note,
something I have come to a more concrete realization about myself is that I NEED one on one time with the people I love, or else I will feel extremely neglected. I also tend to become resentful of those who get in the way of this, even though they are completely unaware of it.

Also, the main reason why I am an extrovert is because the thing that keeps me sane is being with other people; having people to just BE with. Being alone, I tend to turn within myself and get really melancholy and self-loathing. When I'm with others, I focus on them, not me, which I think is better for everyone involved. ...

thats all.

valentine's day

dear best friend,
i love you more daily.
i wish you could see yourself the way i see you
& i wish you could love yourself the way i love you.
& above all, i wish your life is everything you deserve
because in my opinion,
you deserve the world.
i will stand by you forever.
my heart will always belong to you.
<3

last words.

I have been meaning to blog about the awesomeness of John Green's book, Looking for Alaska, for several days now.. and so now I will slap down some amazing quotes from it so you'll all be inspired to check it out yourself.

"You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present." -Alaska Young

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter

"It was not an eventful day. I should have done extraordinary things. I should have sucked the marrow out of life. But on that day, I slept 18 hours out of a possible 24." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter

"For she had embodied the Great Perhaps- she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. I could call everything the Colonel said & did 'fine.' I could try to pretend that I didn't care anymore, but it could never be true again. You can't just make yourself matter and then die, Alaska, because now I am irretrievably different, and I'm sorry I let you go, yes, but you made the choice. You left me Perhapsless, stuck in your goddamned labyrinth. And now I don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out, if you left me like this on purpose. And so I never knew you, did I? I can't remember, because I never knew." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter

"Don't ever do anything like that again.. But Lord, 'subverting the patriarchal paradigm'- its like she wrote the speech." -The Eagle

"I believe we must finally conclude that each brought a message of radical hope. To 17th century Arabia, Muhammed brought the promise that anyone could find fulfillment & everlasting life through allegiance to the one true God. The Buddha held out hope that suffering could be transcended. Jesus brought the message that the last shall be first, that even the tax collectors and lepers- the outcasts- had cause for hope. And so that is the question I leave you with in this final: 'What is your cause for
hope?" -Miles 'Pudge' Halter

"After all this time, it still seems to me like straight and fast is the only way out- but I chose the labyrinth. The labyrinth blows, but I choose it." -the Colonel

"He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth.... If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless. ... But not knowing would not keep me from caring, and I would always love Alaska Young, my crooked neighbor, with all my crooked heart... She deverved better friends." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter

"..she did not need to fold into herself and self-destruct. Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be... We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken... Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations... So I know she forgives me, just as I forgive her. Thomas Edison's last words were, 'Its very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is, but I believe its somewhere, and I hope its beautiful." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter

those magic changes.

So I am sitting here in philosophy class, and all of a sudden this song pops into my head.. "c, c, c, c, c, c, a, a, a, a minor, f, f, f, f, f, f, g, g, g, g7... what's that playing on the radio? why do i start swaying to and fro? i have never heard that song before, but if i dont hear it anymore, its still familiar to me, sends a thrill right through me cuz those quotes remind me of the night that i first fell in love to.. those magic changes, my heart arranges a melody thats never the same, a melody thats calling my name & begs you please come back to me. please return to me, dont go away again, or make them play again the music i wanna hear is once again- you whisper in my ear oh my darlin ah ahhh, WHEE OOO EEE OOO OO OOOOO. ill be waiting by the radio, youll come back to me someday i know. been so long s-since our last goodbye, but im singing as i CRY-Y-Y. while the bass is sounding, while the drums are pounding, beatings of my broken heart will rise the first place of the charts...oh my heart arranges, oh those magic changes .. "

omg.
i need to see Grease onstage again asap.

this is ridic.

shafted

The choir has screwed me over again.

I am being an emo bitch right now but I really don't care because this is my blog and I will do what I want.

Anyway
-first I got leadership and then it was basically taken from me when I said I would have to have a co-leader who understood that because of my other commitments I would have to split the work 40/60 instead of 50/50..since when does that mean "no i dont want to be a leader" ?!
-then the drama leader position was taken from me without me being there or having a say in anything
-then i was somehow dissolved from committee and became an "alternate" ..again, without me being there or having a say
-then when i try to get some closure for people based on a new stupid situation, it becomes an attack on me

...

I think I might just quit, because honestly, I cannot take this anymore because clearly I am of no value to the choir and nothing I say or do matters to anyone in it.
I don't know what God wants me to do...
any input on this from you peeps or prayers would be greatly appreciated.

& you shall love your crooked neighbor, with your crooked heart.

Its 2:11am on a Thursday night, so basically its Friday. I'm sharing a purple futon with two of my favorite hall-mates.
Tonight brought upon a crisis situation in the lovely choir I am a part of, and it reminded me yet again of my ability to keep calm and productive under pressure. Thrive actually. Like, even if I am extremely emotionally involved, I can still work. I can still focus.
Hence the fact that I am not sure at all if we made the right decisions last spring.. and by we, I mean everyone in the choir.

Also, here are the celebrities i MIGHT look like. lol.



I think I look mildly like a couple of them, but it seems that some people are meant to have a doppleganger and others are not.
ah well..

onward.

I am very very annoyed with being blown off lately. It is no fun. No fun at all.
It wouldn't matter so much if I didn't have to be subservient all the time.
All I really ask is that I, as someone who is literally willing to do anything for you, receive some respect and thanks, and perhaps a little love every once in a while.

never enough

One thing that really annoys me about the human condition is our unrelenting propensity to want what we can't have.
(Did I use the word propensity correctly?? lol)

Thus, we chase the love that alludes us.
Parents, siblings, peers... its everywhere.
I think its so dumb that we do this.
Why do we go after people who clearly have no interest in us and in turn neglect the ones who love us unconditionally??

How about just LOVE who you are
LOVE the people who love you
LOVE the people who don't.. but don't try to change how they feel.
it never works.

<3

relax a while

I have decided that the most dangerous and painful thing you can do to a person is judge them and decide you don't like them before you even meet them.

Also I guess I should make it known that I went out with a guy last weekend.. as in, the weekend before this past one. And it went well, and we're going out again perhaps this weekend.
If you want to know more, I am an open book upon request. :)

Also
roomie and I totally cuddled for AN HOUR yesterday afternoon, which was way more important to me than studying, even if I am going to fail these 2 quizzes I have today.
The world will still turn & the love always remains.

In class as we speak, and going to study for my quiz now. ;) I love everyone.

i love london. i love the anonymity.

I have been in the mood to write for the past day or so, but I have not a lot to write about.
Currently I am sitting in philosophy class wearing a cute outfit and wanting to be asleep. It took me like 40 minutes to decide to actually get out of bed this morning.. I was going to skip class, but then Leigh got up so I did too.
I really like my new blog layout so if you're reading this via google reader, please go look at it.
This class is almost over.
peace, kids. <3