but i will hold on hope;

Holy shit its December.

Its December and on the 28th that will mean that it will be a year since I left for Europe and in that year my life has changed so much I can't even fully explain where I was before this all happened.

I have learned more about myself in this year than I ever have ever before.. and I have grown into a person I can truly say that I like.

But I have also learned what kind of expectations I have for people.. and like.. being around new people  has shown me that.

Its weird. I've learned that the expectations I had/have of people are effected in both directions by the experiences I've had and the people I've been around. I've learned that I am a steel magnolia, and I am a person who can easily be described as fiercely independent. I've learned that I really really suck at asking for help, and that maybe its possible for people to find me interesting and actually want to know things about my thoughts and my life.

Its really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that any person would want to know a random story from my childhood or who my favorite teacher was in high school or.. anything like that. Its hard for me to understand that some people really do care. People have always found me "easy to talk to" and divulged things to me that they wouldn't always tell anyone, but I have never been that way with much of anyone. I mean, there are a couple things that, prior to knowing Jenn, that no one knew about me at all.
And I am really thankful that I met her and know that she will listen to me and be there for me.. there's something so reassuring about meeting someone so amazing at a hugely transitional point in your life and that person validates you in a way that no one else has been able to before. Not that there aren't other super amazing people in my life.. its just.. there's something to be said for the person who walks in out of nowhere and was able to, without intending it, to be the reason New York really does feel like home to me now.

Over the summer, I was feeling really kind of lost. Pretty depressed most of the time, and like.. considering just escaping to somewhere else and trying to delay becoming at all settled because I didn't feel ready for it. I didn't feel like I had any reason to be anywhere at any time, and then I had someone there who was exactly the person I needed.

I am endlessly grateful for that.

Also, just in general, living in NYC is flipping amazing and I cannot imagine living anywhere else. It is all its cracked up to be for sure.
Its hard not to get wrapped up in the speedy haze that everyone walks around in.. I need to remember to slow down and look up and be present.

This post kind of went in a lot of weird directions but what can I say.. that's what my brain does.

Peace.