the sensation of no Novacaine

A few weeks ago, I read entirely through the diary I started when I was in 10th grade.. towards the beginning of the school year. This diary was only written in when I was feeling an extreme emotion- be it sadness, anger, nerves, depression.. or the rarest to grace its pages- bliss.
Now, here is what I have noticed.
This is the continuity in my life.
Making friends who seem great at the time, but then for one reason or another they disappear. And it seems that they are quite the opposite of me.

I don't understand what it is with people who are like "oh you're amazing ... but.. you know, we'll keep in touch and MAYBE I'll see you sometime in the future..." but MAYBE NOT. And then what? We just never see each other again??!
I don't work that way.
That is fucking nonsense.

I love people.
I cherish every single friendship that I come across... I have grown to cherish them even more because there have been SO MANY who have lied.
So much betrayal..
But nevertheless, I seem to keep on going... I keep on trusting people. And then the show ends, the school year is over, we graduate high school, we go home for summer... and poof- gone.
I guess I just shouldn't be surprised.
Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this...
but I don't work that way.

When I tell you I love you, I mean it.
When I tell you that I want to see you, I do.
When I say I miss you, its probably a lot truer than you realize.

I can't just NOT see people I love. It doesn't work for me that way.
I mean, I don't need to see you every day, or even every week or month...
Maybe once every two months? Three?

But no.

People never seem to have that time for me.

And maybe they're busy.. Maybe.

Or maybe they just don't care enough.

And hey, that's FINE! Not everyone has to want to be my bff! Just TELL ME. Saying "no, I don't really feel like it" is a perfectly acceptable reason for not wanting to do something. It is purely a choice. But saying, no I'm busy, or no, I'm broke... or no, I have a lot going on...
Seriously?
I can see right through that.
I hate it.
Be honest.

Its like breaking up.
It hurts at the time, but it is better for both people in the end, because then they know how they really feel about each other.
And that's really all I am searching for.
How you really feel.