i fucked up;

I cannot even explain how annoyed I am with my past self. If I had a TARDIS, I would go back and change the past. I know what it feels like to think you're being pushed away from people you love or to be left out. I know what its like to feel like the odd one out.

I am so infuriated with myself over that situation.
I never wanted to be the one to cause all that negativity and sadness and anger.

Honestly like what the fuck is wrong with me.

I've been trying to go through past thought processes and series of events and figure all this out, and here's what I've come up with.

So I moved to NYC on my own with 4 days' worth of clothing and nothing else. I struggled to get a job, was about 8 hours away from homelessness when my 2 week Cobble Hill sublet ended, then moved into another sublet with people who ate my food and used my body wash who I was SO intimidated by and just basically did not ever speak to, I had one friend in the city at the time (Jordi) and we did hang out but not often enough for me not to feel alone, and my job was awful. I basically felt very alone and unsure of myself and unsure of what I was trying to do with my life. I was very unhappy and basically spent evenings listening to Some Nights on repeat.

Then I found some people on Facebook who were looking to sign a lease, and we joined forces hoping to get along and find a great apartment.
Though the road to lease signing was long & turbulent, we finally got a place. It was nowhere near what I'd hoped, I was happy to be there. I finally (since graduating college) felt like I'd found some sense of stability & permanence. I was in a major NYC Honeymoon phase, and that phase lasted from about October until January.

Let's take a step back for a minute.

I grew up in theatre, and I grew up making friends with adults when I was like 15 years old who meant everything in the world  to me until they would leave North Carolina, and eventually they'd stop answering my emails. I had felt left behind. And even though I hated that about those friendships (that they disappeared into thin air), I grew up and inadvertently became a person who had to feel okay with letting things go. I did not want to be the vulnerable one anymore. Because of my childhood wounds, I suppressed my need to pull people closer who were far away. That is where my trouble started.

Now returning to what I was saying.

Because of all that and the Honeymoon phase, I kind of lost sight of things that were right in front of me. I completely romanticized my apartment, my job, my friendships (the ones in the vicinity).. everything. I took everything outside of that for granted and then was confused and hurt when my new outlook wasn't wholeheartedly embraced by everyone else.

I'm trying to say a lot of things here, most of which I doubt are coming across clearly.

But more than anything I want to say I'm sorry. I wasn't myself. I lost sight of who I was and I got caught up in me. I didn't fight for you. I thought what I did was fine and not a big deal at the time but in retrospect I am so infuriated with myself and if there's anything in my entire life I could change, it would be that.

I love you.
I cannot say I'm sorry enough.
I would do anything for you.
I love you.
It won't happen again.
Did I mention I love you?