welcome to 23;

Well, I'm still battling it out with the job market, and so far I am losing.
Probably applied for about 200 jobs now. I am growing quite weary of this.

Alas. I will try to keep up the hope...

I have at last booked my hostel for Easter weekend in Ireland!! I am pretty excited about it, but to be honest all I can think about right now is: MUST. APPLY. FOR. JOBS.

However, right now I am too sleepy to keep packing and too lazy to apply for more jobs, so I am watching Mariska Hargitay in the movie "Welcome to 18" (lol) and doing this.

Can I just say though. Mariska Hargitay is the most adorable, talented, gorgeous, radiant, joyful, as close to perfect as they come, fucking amazing person ever. I just cannot deal with how UNREALISTICALLY beautiful her spirit is. Its cray.

In other news, tomorrow is my last real day in Poland which is crazy. Its gone by so fast, and I really am going to miss this family. They are too sweet.

I've also decided that even if I can't move to NYC right in May, I am going to keep applying for a million jobs a day until I get one, and even if I have to live alone in some sketchy ass neighborhood I will do that. I'll just get a little yappy dog also in hopes that the barking will deter predators.

And now here is something randomly philosophical.

I was thinking the other day about the human need for validation. Its a funny thing. The thing is, no one is ever alone. No matter how bad things seem or how much you might think no one is there for you, someone always is. Except, when we're at our worst, we can't listen to just anyone.
We all have people who we respect more than others, or who we long for validation from more than others.. And in our worst times its those who we need to hear from. And that's silly because most of the time those people are like.. celebrities or people who have already shown us that they are NOT reliable enough to be there for us when we need them.
And I am speaking from both experience and observation here.
Its like we feel so alone that when people who are expected to be there (like old, reliable friends or our parents or people who we don't think are cool enough) are there, and encourage us, we shut them down.
Wouldn't it be easier just to listen and believe it when those people tell us we are amazing and we deserve to be happy??
But something makes us deny them.
There are several celebrities who I admire and am hugely inspired by. Obviously. I wrote about my adoration for Mariska Hargitay in this very post! But when I feel like shit, she is not going to be there for me. I can't talk to her on facebook or via text. She is not in my life.
So why is it that we need people who aren't even real parts of our lives to validate us?
Its strange. And it makes things a lot tougher. Because, if I were in a puddle of self-hatred, and I shut down my parents and my friends who encouraged me, and I waited for Mariska Hargitay to tell me I was worth it, I would be waiting one long damn time.
We chase the love that alludes us.

(This doesn't mean I wouldn't LOVE to meet Mariska.. if I did I would completely flip shit. I adore that woman and her mere existence makes me grin like a fool.)

I'm just saying... wondering.. why can't we accept the love that is right before our eyes? Why is it so easy to look right around that and pretend it doesn't exist?

Anyway.

And now here is something about what I want to do with my life (I think):

I am blessed and very fortunate that at this point in my life I have not been a victim of sexual assault or abuse, or any sort of violence. I am lucky that I am not a part of that 25% (that's one in four women) who are victims of these crimes.
And I honestly cannot imagine going through something like that.
I watch SVU all the time and I think about the victims.. because I know that the cases on that show are mirror images of things that happen every day in the real world. And I can't even fathom how I would react to something like that.. would I be able to fight back? Would I lose my self worth completely? Would I lose all sense of dignity? Would I be able to tell people about it?
To me, it is a miracle to still be standing after going through something so horrific.
I am in awe of the strength of women who are able to say yes, I was raped, abused, assaulted, violated.. and I am still here.
I want to honor them, because the fact that they can do even that is beautiful and miraculous.
I want to show these women that they are perfect, beautiful, and worthy of the utmost respect and sincerest love that the world has to offer.
I want to give them the gifts of creativity, music, poetry, spoken word, theatre, dance, art, travel... I want them to experience the finest things in life, because those are the things they deserve.
I think swimming with dolphins is a beautifully healing & metaphorical thing for survivors of abuse. Dolphins are such free, happy creatures... and yet in places like Japan dolphins are being slaughtered. And yet so few people know about it. Right in our own neighborhoods, our families, women are being raped and abused every single day and yet so few people discuss it. Its like swimming with other survivors. Both are strong, and neither give up, because no matter how bad things get, there is always something good coming along. Joy and love will be there to meet you, wherever you are.
I am a true believer in the Joyful Heart Foundation. I am amazed by how innovative it is in the way it deals with these horrific issues, and I want to be a part of that.

I have so many ideas for the JHF.. ideas on the grassroots level like doing flashmobs in malls throughout the country to raise money and awareness.. and ideas on a much grander scale like slowly expanding the foundation until it becomes global.

I believe in my ideas. I thought of these things months ago, but haven't mentioned them to anyone until now.

But this is what I want to do.. I want to be a part of this incredible foundation, and I want to help these survivors.

:)
All for now peeps. Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers that I will stay safe as I travel and that I will find a job soon!!