I am finding life incredibly beautiful lately.
I'm trying not to get too bogged down by homework and class and stuff. I have really never been passionate about school. I am passionate about DOING things and sometimes I have even been known to do research on something random because I WANT to know about it. I just really am excited about being done with school. But I am trying to avoid thinking about what comes next. I mean, the thing is, moving to NYC is what I'm doing in the fall. This is a fact, unless of course something ridic happens and it falls through. In which case I'm sure it will be a delay rather than a cancellation. BUT either way, the moving to NYC is happening, and when it does, I will be completely wide open. I will have no connections to anything or anyone (I mean I do have a few friends up there but, its not like I'm super close to them). It'll just be me & Erin and a couple of cats when we get them. And for the first time, I am starting to get sad about leaving Chapel Hill. I was never sad before because I've always thought of college as just a temporary thing that everyone does temporarily, and everyone spends a few years here and then moves on. It doesn't really make me sad to leave people who I know are also going to leave .. you know? Like, its a temporary place for all of us. But then there's my amazing INCREDIBLE wonderful work friends who I love more & more with each passing shift. And for them, a lot of them anyway, Chapel Hill is home. When I leave them, I'll really be leaving them. And they'll be staying here and like.. raising families and stuff. And they will have children that I won't get to babysit or anything because I'll be in another state!!
I have always been notoriously bad at goodbyes. I hate them, I really do. And I always want a goodbye to be like.. sentimental and sweet and perfect, but it never really works out how I want and I never say the right things. GAH. This is why I type my feelings. Because I cannot speak them because I am the capital of awkward.
Like literally, at work the other day Jurga and I were talking about like.. going to Europe & stuff (she & I are ironically both planning trips that involve Paris & London this summer (but mine also involves NYC and hers involved a few other European cities)) and so I told her that my trip was going to end with some NYC apartment/job scavenging and she said, "So you're really going to move to New York?" And I was like "Yeeaahhhh..." in I swear to God the MOST REGRETFUL TONE WITH WHICH I HAVE EVER ANSWERED THAT QUESTION and I explained that it had been basically a lifelong dream of mine that I really wanted to act on... and then we just looked at each other. And it was that thing where you look at someone and you're both thinking the same thing (I hope) but neither of you wants to say it. That thing where you realize what you'll be saying goodbye to. Because like, gah. She is just one of those people who I want to be forever bffs with. I want to be around when she has kids because I know they're going to be ADORABLE and blonde and precious and bilingual and I just want to have her to see and talk to and that just won't be an option. I hate goodbyes. And that is just ONE of the horrible goodbyes in my future.
This is getting too emo.
I am really in a happy place right now. I love my job more than any normal person ever loved a part time job. I really don't mind waking up at insane o'clock to go to it and I don't mind getting bruises all the time and all the things that you're supposed to be bothered by at a job like this. I love it. I love it so much and I love everyone I work with. I think that's pretty clear at this point...
But I feel like its made me rediscover the core of who I am.
The core of who I am is a person who loves being part of a makeshift family. I like getting to know everyone and discovering each person's unique quirks and establishing a dynamic with people. I like getting comfortable with people. I like to tell people about themselves too. Because I find that a lot of times, people don't realize themselves. They forget how fantastic they are... being around oneself all the time can do that though I suppose. So I like to remind them of it. I like to make people smile and laugh and on those rare but precious moments, I like to make people cry with love and happiness. It gets me high. It fulfills me. And I'm not even giving them anything but knowledge of the wonder within themselves. But upon doing that, I feel an even deeper connection. And I know that they do too. It always works that way. If you connect with people at the core of themselves, where they are vulnerable and just really want to be remembered, recognized, and loved, you will make a REAL connection. Its magical.
I'm just happy. Its so easy to find the beauty in your own life when you're helping others see it in themselves. And that is the person I lost sight of I think, for a while. The me who is totally awkward and kinda shy, and just really wants to hug you. The me I was when I was 15 and loved writing notes to people. I lost sight of it in college and schoolwork and h2h and theatre and all the other things I do to keep myself busy. I forgot that all I needed was this- this type of connection. So I mean, even if it didn't work as well as it did, I would still feel great about it. Because I believe in making connections and telling people how you really feel and just showing that you are there to love them.
And I am.
I am here to love you.
I need you to know you can fall into me.
I love riding the bus with the windows open and listening to my ipod and taking naps and having great dreams and eating chocolate and burritos and going shopping and not really having that many obligations. This is new for me. And I like it.
Life is beautiful.
I'm just trying to focus on creating moments now. Because there's not much time.
Here are some things I need to do before I move to NYC:
-go stargazing with amazing people
-be Jurga's personal stylist for a day (WHICH SHE AGREED TO TODAY! :D )
-go to cookout late at night
-go to Rocky Horror in Raleigh
-go to Cosmic at 2am
-have a very girly sleepover night
-sing karaoke
-throw a party
-deepen my relationships with newer friends (esp work people)
-become a trainer at work
...there is more but I am not thinking that clearly right now. haha.
Just.
Be real.
That is one thing I wish people would do.
If you want someone in your life, you better KICK SOME ASS AND RIP DOWN SOME WALLS AND BE BRAVE AND PULL THEM IN. If you really want someone around, you have to fight. Nothing worth having comes easy. Don't assume that people will pursue you. You have to pursue them. Maybe they just don't know how to begin with you, or they're too shy or worried or scared. YOU be the one who shows interest. And then if they reject you, then oh well. Its fine. Because you should know that you are fucking awesome and when someone treats you like shit for no reason, its THEIR problem, not yours. Their loss. That's how you should feel. Whoever you are.
There is a lack of authenticity in the world. We're all so scared of saying things that really matter so we just talk about shit. Well. I am over it with that. I am making a comeback. I am being brave and loving on the tips of waves and taking risks and pulling people in. Because I want them there. And its worth it. SO worth it.
Getting close to people is a very simple thing if you just let them know that you want to know them. Really know them. And that you want them around. Because so often we feel like we're burdens on other people, but if you just let someone know that you love their presence, it really makes a world of difference.
I honestly just want everyone to know that I love them. When I say that I mean it. I have never given an empty compliment either, and I don't plan to start.
Anyway, this has gotten really long somehow.
Its bedtime. :)
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