i wanna know you

I am just generally frustrated with my life right now.
I feel like I am being either pushed out or just like.. unnoticed/neglected in every single form of community I am in. And I know this is whiny and immature, and you are probably thinking that I am being like.. some sort of angsty 12 year old.
But you know what?
This is my blog.
I will type what I like.

ANYWAY.
I feel like I am being ousted... This is the THIRD time a job/position has been basically TAKEN from me for no real reason and without any sort of warning to me in what we will refer to as student org. 1.
In student org. 2, I have NEVER really felt very welcome.. there are a total of oh.. two-ish people who reached out to me in this group, and one of them was basically just a 'yeah i know your name and will say hi when I see you' type deal. The other one: that's why I stayed. That's why I keep contributing. That's why I am happy every Tuesday and Thursday morning. But I love this group of people and what they're about. I want to stay there, but I want to feel like I am actually a part of it, and that people actually give a shit about me. I mean.. honestly. Who wouldn't want that?
Then there is #3. This is the one that, as of oh.. 24 hours ago, I was in love with. I still love it. I love what I do. I love the people. But I feel really LEFT OUT in it... like... my favorite part of this job is that I get to be with these amazing people, but my least favorite part is that they barely notice I'm even there.
I can take being left out to a certain extent.
But when other people who are like.. not IN the IN crowd get included and I don't, and am the only one who doesn't, then that becomes an issue. Most of the time, in most situations, I have a buddy. Someone who I am completely comfortable with, who I can just go up to and hang out with when I feel awkward or w/e.. but in this situation I don't. I hate that. I feel like such an asshole even saying this but its how I feel. I can't apologize for that.

I just want one place where I feel entirely appreciated, safe, accepted, wanted, known, loved... that's all.

Does a place like that exist?

Maybe not... maybe not for me...

I'm just so over it.
I'm tired of being all that I can be for everyone else and getting nothing back.
I wish people would just be STRAIGHT UP and HONEST with me. Because that is how you need to be with me to save me a lot of roller coaster emotions. Because I am very insecure, and very inhibited when I don't feel accepted. So yeah. Just tell me the truth. Be bold in your decisions to love or to hate me. It will make things a lot easier for everyone involved.

And you know what,
I want to be appreciated, but that doesn't mean you have to tell me I'm awesome all the time or anything... just acknowledge me.
I want to be loved, but that doesn't mean you have to hug me every day or tell me that all the time... just SHOW ME.
I want to be wanted, but that doesn't mean you have to invite me to hang out with you all the time... just don't blatantly talk about your plans in front of me.
And I want to be missed when I'm not around, but that doesn't mean you have to go over the top crazy when I'm not there or even tell me you miss me... just smile when you see me next.

I hate this.
I hate that I apparently have some huge sign on top of my head that reads "DOESNT MATTER" because that is the way I am treated.
I LOVE to do things for people but I WILL NOT TOLERATE being taken advantage of. I just can't deal with it. I will do the thankless job, but like.. at least show me some love while I'm doing it.
Whatever.

Life just sucks sometimes.
And right now is one of those times.

And if you're reading this, go ahead and assume that I'm not talking about you.
Because I'm not.