nowhere fast;

Disclaimer: Don't read this if you don't want to read something emo. I do not owe you an apology for my emotions.

I have been mulling over writing this all day.
I feel completely defeated and directionless and worthless right now.

My whole life I have wondered what my purpose was and I have never even been close to finding it.
I feel like I have failed. My life is a failure. The only direction I had going into college was that I wanted to do theatre. I was sooooo into it. But it became very clear throughout college (even moreso than it was before) that I lacked the talent to pursue performing, and I lacked the wherewithal it would take to make a career out of stage managing. And as far as anything like directing or writing.. nope. No talent or passion for either of those.
I did the PR thing because I thought it might be fun and enjoyable... but it wasn't. I did not enjoy those classes really at all. I have no desire to do that as a career.

I always say that I would maybe enjoy psychology, but hell no I do not want to go back to school.

Growing up and making good grades and shit was find and dandy, but it puts a LOT of expectations on you. I feel like going to college was a waste because now here I am COMPLETELY directionless. I feel like I have failed everyone who told me I would do great things with my life. I have failed everyone.

I have always been afraid this would happen, but never REALLY thought it would. I thought I would move to NYC and something would fall into place.. but now I know so many people up there that I feel like it would be weird to also move there... I feel like it would almost be like me copying everyone else at this point.

So I chose to try out the Europe thing. I really REALLY do want to see the world.. but look where that has got me. Dreaming big has knocked me down. To be completely honest, I resent the fact that this has been and is so easy for other people, who have more opportunities and/or more funding than I will ever have to travel. I am COMPLETELY aware, obviously, that there are millions upon millions of people who are worse off than I am.. but when everyone around you gets these opportunities and you are the one fighting tooth and nail and working your ass off and getting ZERO payoff.. it is really hard.

I still don't know what's going to happen with that.

On the phone today my mom was like well why don't you just come home for a while and do some research and decide what you want to do... and I was like.. NO. To me that is the ULTIMATE failure- moving back home. That is the last thing I want. At least where I am now I can hide from people I knew growing up who expect all these big things out of me.

I feel like I have disappointed everyone and failed everyone and that I have no potential to do anything at all with my life.
I realize that I am a hot mess right now.. but really all I want out of anyone is to just BE THERE WITH ME through this. LET ME feel how I feel and sympathize with me. That is what I want from someone. I don't want the crap I've been hearing all damn day from everyone about how I am giving up because I honestly feel like I am on a dead end road.