have my cake;

*If you don't want to deal with reading all my complaining and emo shit, I respect that. Don't read this.*

Today is my birthday.

To be honest, it was probably the worst one I've ever had. But I realize that I am an incredibly blessed person and I have many many things to be grateful for.

I am just in a really negative emotional place right now... It has faded away a tiny bit since this afternoon, but its still here.

I need to work to pull myself out of this though, because I have to be realistic. I cannot keep waiting for someone to break down the walls I put up to avoid inconveniencing people by sharing my feelings. I need to either pick someone to talk to, or just get over it. The latter is what I normally end up doing. People seem to give zero shits about me a lot of the time.

I go out of my way to be there for people emotionally and physically and mentally and I go out of my way to make people happy and make them feel like they are awesome because they are. But I have never really felt like anyone has gone to such lengths for me. Yes, of course I have friends to will listen to me, but.. most of the time these are the people who are never really around physically. I have just never (and especially not now) felt like I had a loving support system who would do anything to help me.
And honestly, I think I deserve an amazing support system. I think everyone deserves that. Its what keeps people sane.
The only things lately I have been able to take comfort in are tumblr and my favorite tv shows. And that is not real. That is just an escape.

I am frustrated with many things:
being alone constantly
having very few friends who live near by and the ones who do are as busy as I am
both my jobs.. one for the stress and exhaustion and the other for the frustration and annoyance
visa shit is stressful
I am worried about money
I am frustrated with humans
and then it was the day before my birthday and I had nothing to look forward to for my birthday.. that was just the icing on the cake. Its one of the most lonely feelings I have ever experienced. Because a birthday is like.. the day you're supposed to be like HELL YEAH TODAY IS MY DAY but instead mine was a very busy shift at work where I was already in this horrible mood.. literally holding back tears all day.. (I actually did cry a lot yesterday on the phone with my mom)...and then like.. no one at all did anything for me today except my parents. I know that sounds horrible. Its just like.. when all you get is an "Oh! Its your birthday? Happy Birthday!" its pretty clear that no one knew when your birthday was to begin with. I would be very happy with a "Omg hey happy birthday!!" in which its clear that the person knew beforehand and gave at least one shit. That's all I ask for. One shit.

I realize that this is all a teeny bit of an overstatement, but I am seriously feeling completely unwanted and forgotten right now and that is an honest feeling coming from a very emo place that I am in.

I did get a few legit, already-knew-it-was-your-birthday birthday wishes, which I do really REALLY appreciate. I am just really emo lately, and that's how it is.