& I feel fine;

It is so weird to me to get on Facebook and find out that KIDS who I used to do theatre with are now married and having babies.
KIDS.

Granted, some are only like a year or two younger than me, but still. I remember when they were small and now they are grownups.

I am also amazed by the fact that 99% of my facebook friends from North Carolina still live in North Carolina, even after college. I know that odds (in the whole nation) are that if you grow up in a state you will likely remain there as an adult. But.. it just baffles me how many people CHOOSE to stay. You can go anywhere and do anything and you've chosen to stay in the place you know. Why.

I mean, I realize that I chose a different life path. I have been making my own life decisions since I was like 10 years old. My mom let me decide to change schools (or not) and what activities I wanted to do and when I wanted to get my drivers license and where I went to college and what I majored in and when I should or shouldn't come home and where I should work and that I would go to Europe and that I would move to NYC.

I am not looking for a relationship, I don't want to get married necessarily ever, and I don't want to have kids.
I am not like the majority of people in that way, and I am fine with that. I honestly enjoy being on the outside of those things, supporting the people who are doing them. I'll hang out with Jenn's kids on the weekends and buy them cotton candy at Coney Island, I'll hang out with Jamie's kids when I visit NC (or wherever she ends up) and take them on an adventure, I will support my friends through their relationships and be there for them for late night phone calls and facebook chats, I will be the maid of honor and do the heavy lifting to set up a lovely reception room. I will do all of those things because I really really love being there for people and have literally zero desire to get any of those things for myself.

Instead, I want to have a job that I can live off comfortably and when I am in my 40s, I want to become a foster parent. I want to adopt a dog and a cat. I want to travel the world and never slow down.
I am going to succeed because I have to keep believing that. I have to keep pushing myself and never go backwards. I will never work at the same job twice. (Hence why I decided to not get a job at Panera when I moved to NYC.)

I love to be doing things, I hate being idle. And as much as I hate living my life by an alarm clock, I HATE it when I am unemployed. Like now.

I have no idea where this blog post is going.
I just wanted to express the differences between myself and the 90% of the population who wants the traditional life experience.. haha.

In other news, here's what I am doing about my current unemployment situation:
applying to many administrative assistant jobs
applying to stage managing jobs
applying to nanny jobs
emailed the temp agency and will do so again when I get back to NYC
researching the possibility of going to grad school for a masters in social work with the goal of becoming a life coach

I am just mostly trying to remain calm, keep a positive attitude and not get burnt out. I can do this. I will succeed because, if nothing else, I refuse to fail.


Oh hey also happy 12/21/12! We survived, y'all.

awake my soul;

I am so over it with being directionless.

My temp job in the non-profit world ended today. We all knew this was going to happen, of course, hence the fact that it was a temp job.. but now I am unemployed again and about to start panicking AGAIN about what the hell to do with my life.

Theatre is the thing everyone thinks I should do, and truth be told, if I could make a living off JUST that, I would be thrilled.
But that's not how it works.
I'd have to be working full time PLUS doing shows all the time.. which I have already discovered is really difficult schedule-wise, and utterly exhausting because I'd be working 9am-10pm roughly five days a week.. and it pays next to nothing. So basically the cost kind of outweighs the benefit in a lot of cases. I still want to try & make it work though somehow.

I dunno man.

I partially feel like I am in denial or something for being so "meh" about this situation.. because I am literally unemployed right now. And instead of applying for jobs constantly, I am sitting on my ass and looking at a cat sweater on forever21.com.

But on the other hand, I feel like I kind of do need some time to decompress from the whirlwind of insanity that has been my life since.. uh.. LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME. Yes, I was in Europe for the first 3.5 months of 2012, but the part of that time that wasn't spent being an au pair was spent applying for jobs and finalizing travel plans. Then from the moment my plane landed at LaGuardia, its been a flipping crazy roller coaster ride.
I really need to slow down and figure out my shit.
Maybe I can do some nanny-ing or something. Idk. We shall see.

For now, its like 3am. Bedtime.

never let you go;

Have I mentioned lately how much I fucking love living in this city?

Seriously. I cannot imagine being anywhere else at this point in my life. I love those times when I can look behind me and be like.. hey... THAT'S WHY all that bullshit happened! Example being, if I had gotten to au pair in Italy I would have been in Europe until the end of July, and thus would never have been looking to sign a lease when I was, and Jenn and I would never have met.

One huge debacle, leading to one incredibly wonderful payoff.

That's how life tends to work out.

I really do believe no matter what that God is there and he has an eye on me.. things do happen for a reason, you just have to work through the rough times. I don't believe that anyone is given more than they can handle in life. Yeah, you may have to reach out and ask for help, but that's just how it goes sometimes.

This is what I keep trying to remember as I go through my constant worry about employment... blargh.
It never ends.

But hey, I know what its like to work somewhere shitty, and I know I can handle it.

Here are the good things:
-I have the most incredible bff in the universe.
-I live in the most kickass city in the world.
-My bedroom looks really cute.
-Christmas.
-And lots more things but those are my main ones at this present moment.



As a random note, I have been doing WAYY TOO MUCH online shopping lately. Like. Whadda hell bro. Why is this happening. None of it is a good idea. Especially with my impending unemployment and subsequent financial doom. My current hope is that my parents will bestow some funds upon me for Christmas, which will hold me over until I get back to the city and hopefully get another effing temp job..
Annnnd we all know how much I love that.

-___-

BUT OK LIKE I SAID LET'S BE POSITIVE, YES?

Yes.

Life is good.

this might be fun.

• 1: What eye color do you find sexiest?
  
  depends on the person I guess.. anything can work

• 2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
  
  never milk.. but between dark or white, depends on my mood
• 3: If you could get a Sharpie tattoo on your back, what would it be?
  
  I have NO idea. Some snip-it of a quote.
• 4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
  
  Large in population kind of but small in terms of interesting things to see and do. I was not a fan.
• 5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
  
  There were a ton. My next door neighbor, Betsy, was near the top of the list, along with my 5th grade teacher. 
• 6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
  
  Strawberry banana.
• 7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
  
  uhmmm.. idk. Once I had to eat an Oreo in front of my 4th grade class and then guess what it was (I was blindfolded.. I have no idea why the fuck we were doing it but.. whatever) and like sometimes I bite something and then my spit glands or whatever they are activate weirdly and so a tiny Oreo crumb was projected from my mouth via that.. idk. That is hard to explain. 
• 8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
  
  Uhhhhhmmmm.. idk. That time my period leaked through my pants. Not cute. Luckily I had a giant school uniform sweater to tie around my waist and cover it up. Also no one saw it ever so.. yeah I guess it really wasn't a huge deal. 
• 9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
  
  Idk. Maybe the time my clarinet decided to squeak during my solo at the Christmas concert.. 
• 10: Pirates or ninjas? Why?
  
  PIRATES I think because they are cool
• 11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?
  
  Yes
• 12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
  
  YES AND YES
• 13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?
  
  An elephant and a puppy and a bunny and a kitten
• 14: What's your most favorite part of your body?
  
  my collarbones

15. What's your most favorite part of your personality? 

    my sincerity/love for other people

    

• 16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?
  
  Based on music alone, Gaga. Personality-wise I'm pretty over it with both. 
• 17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
  
  Its been on in rooms I have been in but its not like I actually WATCH it
• 18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk?
  
  lol I have never been drunk and I hate sports. 
• 19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?
  
  Oh God there are so many. Gofry in Poland, pierogi in Poland, that pizza in Paris, nutella crepes, Chipotle burritos, that omelette from Mercer Kitchen.. 
• 20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
  
  Margarine all the way. Actually I use Smart Balance light now because I am scared of butter. 
• 21: Whole, skim, 1%, or 2% milk? (Did you know they make 1 1/2% milk?)
  
  lactose free
• 22: Which continents have you been on?
  
  Just North America and Europe
• 23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?
  
  Nope and nope
• 24: Backpacks or satchels?
  
  Satchels are more grown up. 
• 25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?
  
  no, yes but that color is not good on me, no
• 26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?
  
  Recess
• 27: If you had to have a cow or a pig, which would you take? Why?
  
  I'd prefer a horse if we're in the market for a farm animal
• 28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?
  
  NEW FUCKING YORK 
• 29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?
  
  NYC-->Paris. Not even that long really.
• 30: The latest you've ever slept?
  
  2pm
• 31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?
  
  haha no.. and only if I could find a way to make it look snazzy
• 32: Do you pick at scabs?
  
  no
• 33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?
  
  black
• 34: How far can you throw a baseball?
  
  not super far.. idk
• 35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
  
  idk.. I adore so many European countries. England would be the easiest though. haha
• 36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?
  
  no, yes, yes, no. GOOD.
• 37: Small, liberal arts school or public university? Why?
  
  I went to a public ivy and loved it. The big school experience was amazing- so much happening all the time. I recommend it. 
• 38: A relationship with love or one with sex?
  
  Love
• 39: Do you eat enough vegetables?
  
  nope.. 
• 40: Do you like horror movies? How about thrillers?
  
  some, some
• 41: Would you scratch a crotch itch in public?
  
  HAHA. If I could hide it, probably.
• 42: Do you swear in front of your parents?
  
  Yep. They give no shits.
• 43: Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?
  
  a unicorn.. peace (of the duo peace & quiet), big bird, Lucille Ball as Harpo Marx.. I enjoy halloween costumes. :) 
• 44: If you could change your natural hair color, would you? To what?
  
  Either auburn or a more unique shade of brown
• 45: Do you want to get married? Have kids?
  
  No, and no.. but I would like to be a foster parent. Just not give birth.
• 46: Do you use a reusable water bottle? If not, you should.
  
  I don't carry water with me so.. yeah
• 47: City or nature person?
  
  CITYYYYY
• 48: Have you ever used something other than "makeup" as makeup? (Like paint? Markers?)
  
  uh no.. ??
• 49: Can you walk well in high heels? Even if you're a guy?
  
  Yep. But I am female.
• 50: Post 5 awesome things about yourself. BRAG AWAY!
  
  haha! uhm ok.
  1. I can do this: http://youtu.be/SQmr7QDQTas
  2. I am freakishly strong for a girl.
  3. I can memorize song lyrics after hearing a song like twice.
  4. I am really good at understanding other people's body types and helping them pick clothes that work. I am also good at estimating clothing sizes on people.
  5. I am very open in showing people that I love them- I compliment my friends ALL the time, but I have never in my life given anyone a compliment that wasn't 100% sincere.

but i will hold on hope;

Holy shit its December.

Its December and on the 28th that will mean that it will be a year since I left for Europe and in that year my life has changed so much I can't even fully explain where I was before this all happened.

I have learned more about myself in this year than I ever have ever before.. and I have grown into a person I can truly say that I like.

But I have also learned what kind of expectations I have for people.. and like.. being around new people  has shown me that.

Its weird. I've learned that the expectations I had/have of people are effected in both directions by the experiences I've had and the people I've been around. I've learned that I am a steel magnolia, and I am a person who can easily be described as fiercely independent. I've learned that I really really suck at asking for help, and that maybe its possible for people to find me interesting and actually want to know things about my thoughts and my life.

Its really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that any person would want to know a random story from my childhood or who my favorite teacher was in high school or.. anything like that. Its hard for me to understand that some people really do care. People have always found me "easy to talk to" and divulged things to me that they wouldn't always tell anyone, but I have never been that way with much of anyone. I mean, there are a couple things that, prior to knowing Jenn, that no one knew about me at all.
And I am really thankful that I met her and know that she will listen to me and be there for me.. there's something so reassuring about meeting someone so amazing at a hugely transitional point in your life and that person validates you in a way that no one else has been able to before. Not that there aren't other super amazing people in my life.. its just.. there's something to be said for the person who walks in out of nowhere and was able to, without intending it, to be the reason New York really does feel like home to me now.

Over the summer, I was feeling really kind of lost. Pretty depressed most of the time, and like.. considering just escaping to somewhere else and trying to delay becoming at all settled because I didn't feel ready for it. I didn't feel like I had any reason to be anywhere at any time, and then I had someone there who was exactly the person I needed.

I am endlessly grateful for that.

Also, just in general, living in NYC is flipping amazing and I cannot imagine living anywhere else. It is all its cracked up to be for sure.
Its hard not to get wrapped up in the speedy haze that everyone walks around in.. I need to remember to slow down and look up and be present.

This post kind of went in a lot of weird directions but what can I say.. that's what my brain does.

Peace.