the responsibility to not remain silent;

I'm kind of frustrated.

I feel like the place I am in right now, emotionally/mentally, is exactly where I told myself I wasn't going to be at this point in time. Like, I thought it was possible, but I convinced myself it wouldn't be this way. I thought I was stronger.

This time last year, I was living in a dorm where everyone was already bffs with everyone else. I felt completely alone, completely overwhelmed, completely terrified. But at the same time, I was really confident. I knew who I was and I had my own things to do, so I wasn't about to worry about what anyone there thought of me.

But as time went on, not only did I retain my confidence and grow a lot as a person, but I also made some of the best friends I will ever have in that dorm. It was perfect. We were perfect. It was cloud 9 there for a while.

Then something happened.
I don't know what it was or where it started.
But it was like a little fly was buzzing around my head. And I tried to swat it away, but no matter what I did, it would never go away. And it spawned some baby flies that grew bigger than the mother fly could ever have grown. And these flies were infectious. And they buzzed around the ears of the people around me, driving them crazy and making them angry and annoyed and sad and overwhelmed. And the flies grew and grew until they were able to move things and rearrange lives.
And they rearranged my life to the point where I lost my confidence. I did not know who I was anymore; I had lost myself somewhere along the way. The flies had bitten me and each of them had taken a piece of me with them.
Together, somehow, the flies silenced me.
They made me powerless without me even realizing it.

I thought I was okay.
My feigned happiness fooled even myself.

I looked in the mirror and suddenly I was no one.

I was gone.

I left everyone else to fight against the army of flies and I didn't even realize it was happening.

And now, I think they are all gone.
There might be one or two left buzzing about, trying to stir up trouble.
But for the most part the war is over.

And I have been left to sort through the debris and try to find out who I was and where I got lost and try to put myself back together again. Alone.

My confidence is coming back.
But there is still a lot of work that needs to be done.

To anyone who has been emotionally injured in the wake of this infestation of sorts, I take full responsibility and I apologize.

To anyone who is just confused by this post, no need to be so. Disregard it.

The road map is not making much sense anymore, and even looking back I am not sure I know which path I took to get here.
And there are houses on either side of the path, all the way down, with windows with bright yellow light that helps illuminate my way. I want to knock on a door and find rest in someone's living room. But I am too afraid to knock. Because sometimes, when I finally get up the courage to step up to the door and do so, the door opens and I get laughed at or pushed away.

I still don't know what the flies were.