swirling in the blue like jazz

I really don't like myself much right now.
I don't like where my life is, and I don't know where it's going, and I feel like I am pretty much worthless.
Why did I look so forward to summer?!
Why am I so stupid that I didn't make any plans?!

...I guess I was just expecting something would happen... but of course nothing has. Someone, please remind me to make plans way in advance next summer so this doesn't happen again.

I just feel like my life is going nowhere.
Like I'm at some sort of weird transition period where everyone at home/from high school/from the theatre doesn't need or miss me anymore.. like I have nothing much to come back to anymore.
And my college life.. is so fleeting, so temporary...

"I'm finding every reason to be gone. There's nothing here to hold on to...could I hold you?"

What am I reaching toward?
Where am I going?

I feel like my life story would go something like this:

Once upon a time I was a child who could never bear to leave her theatre family. I loved them and I belonged with them. Then I was yanked away to go be something, to make something of myself. And just as it seemed I belonged there, the realization hits that it will all be over before I know it. And then I will be nowhere. Lost.

Then what?

I feel like the two huge things I am lacking right now are continuity and purpose.
And we all know that the whole continuity thing is something people just yank away from me at a moment's notice. No word of warning, it's just gone. I don't know what it is that makes me need that connection so much, but I do.
And I don't believe people anymore, I really don't, and I hate that about myself, because obviously there are many people who deserve to be believed.

But my trust has been ground to dust, as Kate Voegele would say, and I am entirely unsure as to how to rebuild it. I guess it will take someone to prove me wrong. And that person, those people, whatever, may or may not exist.

I look at all these pictures in my room, these constant reminders of who I was... and I have no idea who I am now. Who the hell am I?! Where am I going with my life?! Where do I belong?!

Do I even matter?

I can't deal with looking at all these pictures. I hate the constant nostalgia. I don't know where I belong anymore. I don't belong anywhere anymore.

I hate what you've done to me because I've stopped trying with people.

I am broken.
We are broken.
The world is broken.
And maybe we'd all do a little better if we held onto each other. But no one seems to believe that but me.

And then of course career prospects, or lack thereof, or indesicion within, is another source of daily grief.

Whatever.

I kind of despise myself.
That's all.