nostalgia

I would say that I am a very nostalgic person. I like looking back on fond memories, and it actually dominates the conversation when I am with people who knew me 'back then.' However, sometimes I feel like I am a little too into the whole remember-when thing..
Sometimes, I think its okay because a lot of what I am nostalgic about is still a part of my life... like the people at CFRT who I miss, and enjoy reuniting with when I'm at home.
Then there is the type of nostalgia where I look back on some event, like a show, and never tire of re-living all the hilarious, stressful, and touching moments that made it so wonderful in the end.
And then sometimes the nostalgia is centered around something, or someone, that maybe I do need to just let go of. But where is the line between looking back lovingly and living in the past? I am not the type of person to forget... I can't forget someone who changed my life. I refuse to. But the question remains- do you sit back and let them forget you? Or do you keep trying, and make sure they at least know how you feel before they let you go?
I am not sure.
But I do know that I am unable, physically & mentally, to let myself say or do anything that may even slightly hurt you.
But this hurts me.
Should I let you know? Or should I just approach this from a naive, I miss you perspective?
God this sucks. If you weren't so effing complicated, then this would be so much easier.
Why am I not friends with more people my age? That is so much simpler. Because being the bigger person is extremely challenging when the other person is 29 years older.
Something has to be done though.
Because what if, one day, you reappear in my life.. or in the lives of people I love? Or what if, one day, I appear in your life unexpectedly?
And whenever I think about the shows, whenever I read my diary, or look through my photo album, whenever I sort through old emails, or watch certain things on television, or go the places we went, I am going to think of you. I can't help it.
You're lucky. You won't see me in the media all the time, and images of me will not haunt your imagination... I did not change your life, I just changed your experience in one show. Four, five weeks.
But me? I cannot avoid you. No matter what, I will never be able to forget you, unless of course I change my life, stop watching television, never go to CFRT again, stop using facebook & myspace..basically put myself in a bubble. And clearly, I will not do that- its stupid. Its worse when I'm home. Evidence of you is everywhere. And I wish you knew what you're doing to me, but you never will, I'll never tell you. I can't hurt you.
So here I am at a crossroads.
Wondering where to go from here.
And praying that whatever I do is the right thing.