“The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, and never explained.”
This is a true statement.
“Before you, my life was a moonless night. very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason. Then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly, everything was on fire. There was brilliancy. There was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went back. Nothing had changed; but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”
This is a very nice metaphor.
But there is nothing I can do about that.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Kate Plus 8...and Jon Occasionally Visits?
Okay, I never take the time to actually blog about things like this... but I am so over it I have to.
First of all, where the hell does everyone think they get off BASHING Jon & Kate for getting divorced?! Yes, they are giving up on the relationship but... seriously? 50% of marriages end in divorce nowadays. Then try adding the EIGHT kids and the whole thrust into fame without preparation from the tv show thing.. it had to have been really difficult.
Then you think they're shallow for being on tv.. OK. Let's think of it this way.
You are a young mother/father with 2 kids. You want 1 more, so you try, and win! Pregnancy! But holy crap...there are six of them. Six. Daddy just has a regular average paying job and mommy will have to stay home with THIS many children... WE NEED MONEY.
*ring ring* TLC calls! They want to put you all on tv! The cameras will leave when you want them to, you won't have to do anything weird..just live your lives and they film it. Good money. A chance for maybe all eight of these kids to go to colllege!! WOW. Let's do it. Who wouldn't?!?!
The kids are precious.
Kate is an amazing mom and a BEAST when it comes to taking care of those kids.
And I think Jon just got caught up in the issues that SO MANY CELEBRITIES GO THROUGH when the paparazzi is EVERYWHERE you are. No one deserves to have their privacy invaded. Just sayin.
I'm done.
Just had to get this out there.
And before you judge this family, please try to put yourself in their shoes. :)
First of all, where the hell does everyone think they get off BASHING Jon & Kate for getting divorced?! Yes, they are giving up on the relationship but... seriously? 50% of marriages end in divorce nowadays. Then try adding the EIGHT kids and the whole thrust into fame without preparation from the tv show thing.. it had to have been really difficult.
Then you think they're shallow for being on tv.. OK. Let's think of it this way.
You are a young mother/father with 2 kids. You want 1 more, so you try, and win! Pregnancy! But holy crap...there are six of them. Six. Daddy just has a regular average paying job and mommy will have to stay home with THIS many children... WE NEED MONEY.
*ring ring* TLC calls! They want to put you all on tv! The cameras will leave when you want them to, you won't have to do anything weird..just live your lives and they film it. Good money. A chance for maybe all eight of these kids to go to colllege!! WOW. Let's do it. Who wouldn't?!?!
The kids are precious.
Kate is an amazing mom and a BEAST when it comes to taking care of those kids.
And I think Jon just got caught up in the issues that SO MANY CELEBRITIES GO THROUGH when the paparazzi is EVERYWHERE you are. No one deserves to have their privacy invaded. Just sayin.
I'm done.
Just had to get this out there.
And before you judge this family, please try to put yourself in their shoes. :)
Friday, June 19, 2009
swirling in the blue like jazz
I really don't like myself much right now.
I don't like where my life is, and I don't know where it's going, and I feel like I am pretty much worthless.
Why did I look so forward to summer?!
Why am I so stupid that I didn't make any plans?!
...I guess I was just expecting something would happen... but of course nothing has. Someone, please remind me to make plans way in advance next summer so this doesn't happen again.
I just feel like my life is going nowhere.
Like I'm at some sort of weird transition period where everyone at home/from high school/from the theatre doesn't need or miss me anymore.. like I have nothing much to come back to anymore.
And my college life.. is so fleeting, so temporary...
"I'm finding every reason to be gone. There's nothing here to hold on to...could I hold you?"
What am I reaching toward?
Where am I going?
I feel like my life story would go something like this:
Once upon a time I was a child who could never bear to leave her theatre family. I loved them and I belonged with them. Then I was yanked away to go be something, to make something of myself. And just as it seemed I belonged there, the realization hits that it will all be over before I know it. And then I will be nowhere. Lost.
Then what?
I feel like the two huge things I am lacking right now are continuity and purpose.
And we all know that the whole continuity thing is something people just yank away from me at a moment's notice. No word of warning, it's just gone. I don't know what it is that makes me need that connection so much, but I do.
And I don't believe people anymore, I really don't, and I hate that about myself, because obviously there are many people who deserve to be believed.
But my trust has been ground to dust, as Kate Voegele would say, and I am entirely unsure as to how to rebuild it. I guess it will take someone to prove me wrong. And that person, those people, whatever, may or may not exist.
I look at all these pictures in my room, these constant reminders of who I was... and I have no idea who I am now. Who the hell am I?! Where am I going with my life?! Where do I belong?!
Do I even matter?
I can't deal with looking at all these pictures. I hate the constant nostalgia. I don't know where I belong anymore. I don't belong anywhere anymore.
I hate what you've done to me because I've stopped trying with people.
I am broken.
We are broken.
The world is broken.
And maybe we'd all do a little better if we held onto each other. But no one seems to believe that but me.
And then of course career prospects, or lack thereof, or indesicion within, is another source of daily grief.
Whatever.
I kind of despise myself.
That's all.
I don't like where my life is, and I don't know where it's going, and I feel like I am pretty much worthless.
Why did I look so forward to summer?!
Why am I so stupid that I didn't make any plans?!
...I guess I was just expecting something would happen... but of course nothing has. Someone, please remind me to make plans way in advance next summer so this doesn't happen again.
I just feel like my life is going nowhere.
Like I'm at some sort of weird transition period where everyone at home/from high school/from the theatre doesn't need or miss me anymore.. like I have nothing much to come back to anymore.
And my college life.. is so fleeting, so temporary...
"I'm finding every reason to be gone. There's nothing here to hold on to...could I hold you?"
What am I reaching toward?
Where am I going?
I feel like my life story would go something like this:
Once upon a time I was a child who could never bear to leave her theatre family. I loved them and I belonged with them. Then I was yanked away to go be something, to make something of myself. And just as it seemed I belonged there, the realization hits that it will all be over before I know it. And then I will be nowhere. Lost.
Then what?
I feel like the two huge things I am lacking right now are continuity and purpose.
And we all know that the whole continuity thing is something people just yank away from me at a moment's notice. No word of warning, it's just gone. I don't know what it is that makes me need that connection so much, but I do.
And I don't believe people anymore, I really don't, and I hate that about myself, because obviously there are many people who deserve to be believed.
But my trust has been ground to dust, as Kate Voegele would say, and I am entirely unsure as to how to rebuild it. I guess it will take someone to prove me wrong. And that person, those people, whatever, may or may not exist.
I look at all these pictures in my room, these constant reminders of who I was... and I have no idea who I am now. Who the hell am I?! Where am I going with my life?! Where do I belong?!
Do I even matter?
I can't deal with looking at all these pictures. I hate the constant nostalgia. I don't know where I belong anymore. I don't belong anywhere anymore.
I hate what you've done to me because I've stopped trying with people.
I am broken.
We are broken.
The world is broken.
And maybe we'd all do a little better if we held onto each other. But no one seems to believe that but me.
And then of course career prospects, or lack thereof, or indesicion within, is another source of daily grief.
Whatever.
I kind of despise myself.
That's all.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Rory- "I love you, mom." Lorelai- "Kid, you have no idea."
Gilmore Girls inspires me to write.. it makes me want to write so well that I can move people to want to know my characters and love them and care about them and feel like they know them...
It makes me wish my writing were more witty,
more individualist,
more.. sitting outside in leggings and an oversized tshirt while staring into space and eating cheerios & peanut butter,
..just more.
More engaging, detailed, worthy of being read.
I desperately need to get these DVDs.
It makes me wish my writing were more witty,
more individualist,
more.. sitting outside in leggings and an oversized tshirt while staring into space and eating cheerios & peanut butter,
..just more.
More engaging, detailed, worthy of being read.
I desperately need to get these DVDs.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
i'm alone with the present tense
Why is it that the things you want to focus on least are the ones that haunt you 24/7?
And why is it that you don't mind when they do?
Buh.
I kept telling myself this would just not be a big deal to me anymore.. I told myself you didn't matter... but it effing does. I really don't know what I could do to change the way I feel or the person you seem to have become...
This sucks.
Completely.
I'm a puppet on a string.. & you're holding onto me whether you know it or not.
And why is it that you don't mind when they do?
Buh.
I kept telling myself this would just not be a big deal to me anymore.. I told myself you didn't matter... but it effing does. I really don't know what I could do to change the way I feel or the person you seem to have become...
This sucks.
Completely.
I'm a puppet on a string.. & you're holding onto me whether you know it or not.
Friday, June 12, 2009
heaven in a bowl
I have never eaten anything worthy of blogging about..
Until today.
Ohmyword.
Perfectly seasoned sesame chicked with renegade broccoli over white rice....
*melt*
So. effing. good.
This makes me sound really fat.
BUT ITS OK!
Because I have been eating ramen and chick fil-a for the past 2 weeks. And today ... yes, heaven.
Until today.
Ohmyword.
Perfectly seasoned sesame chicked with renegade broccoli over white rice....
*melt*
So. effing. good.
This makes me sound really fat.
BUT ITS OK!
Because I have been eating ramen and chick fil-a for the past 2 weeks. And today ... yes, heaven.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
just thinking back to where we started & how we lost all that we are
"One runs the risk of weeping a little when one allows himself to be tamed."
Maybe I'm too tamed.
Because of you, I didn't believe her when she told me she'd keep in touch.
She said, "I promise."
I didn't believe it.
It wasn't true.
Because of you, I didn't even approach her.
But she approached me.
And I thought it would be different.
And it wasn't.
Because of you, I expect the worst from people's friendships.
And am right far too often.
Because of you, I don't even try much anymore.
And maybe that's wrong.
But I don't know anymore.
"A simple thing; where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you're gonna let me in; I'm getting tired & I need somewhere to begin.
& if you have a minute why don't we go
talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
so why don't we go somewhere only we know?"
Good pete-asaurus.
I'm so effing dramatic.
Maybe I'm too tamed.
Because of you, I didn't believe her when she told me she'd keep in touch.
She said, "I promise."
I didn't believe it.
It wasn't true.
Because of you, I didn't even approach her.
But she approached me.
And I thought it would be different.
And it wasn't.
Because of you, I expect the worst from people's friendships.
And am right far too often.
Because of you, I don't even try much anymore.
And maybe that's wrong.
But I don't know anymore.
"A simple thing; where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you're gonna let me in; I'm getting tired & I need somewhere to begin.
& if you have a minute why don't we go
talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
so why don't we go somewhere only we know?"
Good pete-asaurus.
I'm so effing dramatic.
at the very least
I will most probably be one of the few people in the United States who can look at the television and say, "Hey look everyone! There is the person who is responsible for a significant portion of that which is psychologically wrong with me!"
eh?
Well, I thought it was funny.
Anyway, that may be somewhat of an exaggeration.
The keyboard I'm currently using is ridiculously wobbly and I have ingeniusly stabilized it with ketchup packets.
I know. You wish you were me. :P
And with that, "the era of Ragtime had run out; as if history were no more than a tune on a player piano."
Get it.
eh?
Well, I thought it was funny.
Anyway, that may be somewhat of an exaggeration.
The keyboard I'm currently using is ridiculously wobbly and I have ingeniusly stabilized it with ketchup packets.
I know. You wish you were me. :P
And with that, "the era of Ragtime had run out; as if history were no more than a tune on a player piano."
Get it.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
somebody told me that's where dreamers should go
I don't know what it is about looking at the New York Times website, which I do every day when I get to news writing class, that makes me become suddenly inspired to look at real estate and job listings.
Its pretty nonsensical.
I have 2 more years of school left, so even if I find a great apartment and a great job online, its not like I can ask them to hold it for me for the next 2 years.
But it makes me wish I could.
I'm seriously starting to consider trying to get a job and just moving up there after I graduate.. maybe after spending some of the summer at home.
But I would need to spend all of senior year, basically, job searching so that I'll be financially secure. PLUS, I will need more money for like.. furniture & crap. Which means I'll have to work my ass off next summer.
This is potentially a workable plan, but a very idealistic one.
Perhaps I'll spend a year here in NC before I enact this, just for monetary purposes.
Or perhaps I'll find a man before then and not want to move at all.
Who knows.
But as far as the man thing goes, on a different note, I don't know why God hasn't provided me with one yet. Maybe I'm not quite ready.. or maybe I'm just not where He wants me to be.
I have always been attracted to older guys.. like, seriously. I have been in love with John Travolta and Michael J. Fox since I was like 11. And they're both old enough to be my father.
So maybe I'll end up with an older guy... Not ridiculously old, just maybe someone who is like..26 right now.. Someone too old for me to meet here at school. You get me.
And maybe I'll meet that person in NYC.
Or maybe this is all wrong and I'll meet the man of my dreams tomorrow as I walk past Kenan Stadium.
You never know.
Anyway, as far as the job thing goes, I am really starting to believe in myself. I think, I know, that I am determined and hard working, and would be able to do any number of things in several different fields.
Why not grad school, you ask?
Well, apparently, there are TWO grad schools for theatre... UNCG and something in CA. And no. No thank you.
I could go to grad school for journalism, but to be honest I really don't want to.
I want to live my life.
And I want to work towards my equity card when I am in NYC (if I'm in NYC) on the side of doing a normal job, in hopes of getting to work on a Broadway show someday.
My goals, since age 12, have remained the same.
Who knew.
But this is all subject to change.
If anyone has advice or thoughts, feel free to contribute.
Its pretty nonsensical.
I have 2 more years of school left, so even if I find a great apartment and a great job online, its not like I can ask them to hold it for me for the next 2 years.
But it makes me wish I could.
I'm seriously starting to consider trying to get a job and just moving up there after I graduate.. maybe after spending some of the summer at home.
But I would need to spend all of senior year, basically, job searching so that I'll be financially secure. PLUS, I will need more money for like.. furniture & crap. Which means I'll have to work my ass off next summer.
This is potentially a workable plan, but a very idealistic one.
Perhaps I'll spend a year here in NC before I enact this, just for monetary purposes.
Or perhaps I'll find a man before then and not want to move at all.
Who knows.
But as far as the man thing goes, on a different note, I don't know why God hasn't provided me with one yet. Maybe I'm not quite ready.. or maybe I'm just not where He wants me to be.
I have always been attracted to older guys.. like, seriously. I have been in love with John Travolta and Michael J. Fox since I was like 11. And they're both old enough to be my father.
So maybe I'll end up with an older guy... Not ridiculously old, just maybe someone who is like..26 right now.. Someone too old for me to meet here at school. You get me.
And maybe I'll meet that person in NYC.
Or maybe this is all wrong and I'll meet the man of my dreams tomorrow as I walk past Kenan Stadium.
You never know.
Anyway, as far as the job thing goes, I am really starting to believe in myself. I think, I know, that I am determined and hard working, and would be able to do any number of things in several different fields.
Why not grad school, you ask?
Well, apparently, there are TWO grad schools for theatre... UNCG and something in CA. And no. No thank you.
I could go to grad school for journalism, but to be honest I really don't want to.
I want to live my life.
And I want to work towards my equity card when I am in NYC (if I'm in NYC) on the side of doing a normal job, in hopes of getting to work on a Broadway show someday.
My goals, since age 12, have remained the same.
Who knew.
But this is all subject to change.
If anyone has advice or thoughts, feel free to contribute.
Monday, June 8, 2009
things that are annoying
1. walking up seemingly endless flights of stairs while carrying a bookbag and a purse, listening to an ipod, and talking on the phone
2. people who walk ridiculously slowly in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk
3. having to spend money, in general
4. people who don't respect good theatre, and think some show like Rock of Ages is actually worth seeing
5. the fact that it is $1 extra to get guacamole on your effing burrito at Qdoba
6. CONSTRUCTION THAT NEVER ENDS.
7. when the fountain is not turned on
8. when I'm trying to film in the arboretum and some weirdo is staring at a flower and won't walk away
9. the fact that the ear buds I paid like $9 for now DO NOT WORK. GUH.
10. people who don't respect great lyrics/music
11. people who aren't in love with Mr. Rochester
12. when people fart and don't fess up
13. when my phone rings at 2 a.m. and wakes me up
14. when my phone freezes
15. when people don't effing text me back
16. people who don't EVER email me *COUGH COUGH*
17. when people don't seem to give a shit
18. when people don't find random celebrities as hilarious and wonderful as Jamie and I do
19. people who don't like Sondheim or his musicals (seriously people. Company?! Passion?!? BRILLIANCE!)
20. when we have to go over the same choreography like 50 times becuase people forget it
21. inefficiency
22. the fact that CFRT is 1.5 hours from CH
23. the fact that effing youku.com takes FOREVER to load movies
24. tlc.com and its lack of shows I want to watch!!
25. youtube's copyright restrictions
26. people who are overly consumed with "online friends"
27. cliquey people
28. people who seem to get whatever they want and never have to work for it
29. long lines
30. having parents who don't like to travel
31. people who expect me to solve all their problems and never ask if I have any
32. calling people
33. having no idea how I will make any money this summer
34. psychology "in class assignments"
35. the length of time per day we have to spend in class in summer school... and not really needing to
36. when people confuse "your" and "you're"
37. the RIDICULOUSLY noisy rolling bookshelf things at Davis
38. people who are insanely loud in the hallway at midnight
39. when people get stressed about non-stressful situations
40. UNC's insanely loud weather alerts on tv
41. being broke and running extremely low on food
42. the above, while being forced to smell the delicious things being made in the kitchen about 15 feet from my room
43. sports
44. those who are overly conservative or overly judgmental about "liberalism"
45. those who think the military is FRICKIN AWESOME. blargh.
46. missing out on things that would mean a lot to me
47. the imposition it is to not have a car.. or a jet pack.. or unlimited funds
48. THE DMV! GUUUHHHH!
49. when people are disrespectful to good professors
50. improv
51. people who underestimate me
52. stepping in gum
53. my own inhibitions
54. missing a tv show I really want to watch
55. studying
56. being bored
57. being woken up
58. when people think they can sing but clearly cannot
59. when people who I ask advice from have no idea how to relate to what I'm talking about
60. tourists
2. people who walk ridiculously slowly in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk
3. having to spend money, in general
4. people who don't respect good theatre, and think some show like Rock of Ages is actually worth seeing
5. the fact that it is $1 extra to get guacamole on your effing burrito at Qdoba
6. CONSTRUCTION THAT NEVER ENDS.
7. when the fountain is not turned on
8. when I'm trying to film in the arboretum and some weirdo is staring at a flower and won't walk away
9. the fact that the ear buds I paid like $9 for now DO NOT WORK. GUH.
10. people who don't respect great lyrics/music
11. people who aren't in love with Mr. Rochester
12. when people fart and don't fess up
13. when my phone rings at 2 a.m. and wakes me up
14. when my phone freezes
15. when people don't effing text me back
16. people who don't EVER email me *COUGH COUGH*
17. when people don't seem to give a shit
18. when people don't find random celebrities as hilarious and wonderful as Jamie and I do
19. people who don't like Sondheim or his musicals (seriously people. Company?! Passion?!? BRILLIANCE!)
20. when we have to go over the same choreography like 50 times becuase people forget it
21. inefficiency
22. the fact that CFRT is 1.5 hours from CH
23. the fact that effing youku.com takes FOREVER to load movies
24. tlc.com and its lack of shows I want to watch!!
25. youtube's copyright restrictions
26. people who are overly consumed with "online friends"
27. cliquey people
28. people who seem to get whatever they want and never have to work for it
29. long lines
30. having parents who don't like to travel
31. people who expect me to solve all their problems and never ask if I have any
32. calling people
33. having no idea how I will make any money this summer
34. psychology "in class assignments"
35. the length of time per day we have to spend in class in summer school... and not really needing to
36. when people confuse "your" and "you're"
37. the RIDICULOUSLY noisy rolling bookshelf things at Davis
38. people who are insanely loud in the hallway at midnight
39. when people get stressed about non-stressful situations
40. UNC's insanely loud weather alerts on tv
41. being broke and running extremely low on food
42. the above, while being forced to smell the delicious things being made in the kitchen about 15 feet from my room
43. sports
44. those who are overly conservative or overly judgmental about "liberalism"
45. those who think the military is FRICKIN AWESOME. blargh.
46. missing out on things that would mean a lot to me
47. the imposition it is to not have a car.. or a jet pack.. or unlimited funds
48. THE DMV! GUUUHHHH!
49. when people are disrespectful to good professors
50. improv
51. people who underestimate me
52. stepping in gum
53. my own inhibitions
54. missing a tv show I really want to watch
55. studying
56. being bored
57. being woken up
58. when people think they can sing but clearly cannot
59. when people who I ask advice from have no idea how to relate to what I'm talking about
60. tourists
Sunday, June 7, 2009
making the grade
Inspired by facebook, here is the Kelley quiz. Let's see what you know about me. Answers will be at the bottom. Don't cheat yo! :P
1. Which of these shows have I not seen on Broadway?
a. Les Miserables b. Gypsy
c. The Lion King d. Thoroughly Modern Millie
2. Why did I first start making youtube videos?
a. I was bored b. I wanted to make youtube partner
c. I wanted to be in Michael Buckley's 'pull shapes' video d. I wanted to self-reflect by vlogging
3. Which of these occupations have I NOT met someone from?
a. television producer b. cruise ship performer
c. Broadway dancer d. soap opera actor
4. Which of these instruments have I never played?
a. clarinet b. flute
c. trumpet d. french horn
5. My #1 dream role is....?
a. Clara in Light in the Piazza b. Eve in Children of Eden
c. Joanne in Company d. Margaret in Light in the Piazza
6. Which of these things have I never done onstage?
a. played drunk b. cursed
c. been tackled d. kissed
7. Which of these is most played on my ipod?
a. Sara Bareilles b. showtunes
c. Kate Voegele d. zumba songs!
8. Which of these activities do I like best?
a. painting b. decoupage
c. writing poems/songs d. shopping
9. Which of these places have I never visited?
a. the Outer Banks b. Sea World
c. the Biltmore House d. Disney World
10. Which of these TLC shows have I never seen?
a. Top Model b. Toddlers & Tiaras
c. What Not to Wear d. Jon & Kate Plus 8
Answers!
1. C- Even though my little bff Halle was in The Lion King AND I visited NYC during the time she was in the show, I never actually got too see it. Tickets were far too expensive.
2. A- It was pure boredom last summer. It was the 1st week of July, and I had 2 weeks off from theatre stuff so I just started filming!
3. D- There have been many soap opera people at CFRT, but I never worked with any of them. Poo on me.
4. B- I played the clarinet in band from 5th grade to senior year, and taught myself to play the trumpet & french horn.
5. A- Though I would love to play the others, this is #1.
6. D- I sang a love duet with this guy & we were close to kissing at the end, but then were stereotypically interrupted by an adult.
7. C- I am addicted.
8. B- I love it!!
9. A- I fail at NC life.
10. B- I really want to see it sometime though.. lol is that weird?
1. Which of these shows have I not seen on Broadway?
a. Les Miserables b. Gypsy
c. The Lion King d. Thoroughly Modern Millie
2. Why did I first start making youtube videos?
a. I was bored b. I wanted to make youtube partner
c. I wanted to be in Michael Buckley's 'pull shapes' video d. I wanted to self-reflect by vlogging
3. Which of these occupations have I NOT met someone from?
a. television producer b. cruise ship performer
c. Broadway dancer d. soap opera actor
4. Which of these instruments have I never played?
a. clarinet b. flute
c. trumpet d. french horn
5. My #1 dream role is....?
a. Clara in Light in the Piazza b. Eve in Children of Eden
c. Joanne in Company d. Margaret in Light in the Piazza
6. Which of these things have I never done onstage?
a. played drunk b. cursed
c. been tackled d. kissed
7. Which of these is most played on my ipod?
a. Sara Bareilles b. showtunes
c. Kate Voegele d. zumba songs!
8. Which of these activities do I like best?
a. painting b. decoupage
c. writing poems/songs d. shopping
9. Which of these places have I never visited?
a. the Outer Banks b. Sea World
c. the Biltmore House d. Disney World
10. Which of these TLC shows have I never seen?
a. Top Model b. Toddlers & Tiaras
c. What Not to Wear d. Jon & Kate Plus 8
Answers!
1. C- Even though my little bff Halle was in The Lion King AND I visited NYC during the time she was in the show, I never actually got too see it. Tickets were far too expensive.
2. A- It was pure boredom last summer. It was the 1st week of July, and I had 2 weeks off from theatre stuff so I just started filming!
3. D- There have been many soap opera people at CFRT, but I never worked with any of them. Poo on me.
4. B- I played the clarinet in band from 5th grade to senior year, and taught myself to play the trumpet & french horn.
5. A- Though I would love to play the others, this is #1.
6. D- I sang a love duet with this guy & we were close to kissing at the end, but then were stereotypically interrupted by an adult.
7. C- I am addicted.
8. B- I love it!!
9. A- I fail at NC life.
10. B- I really want to see it sometime though.. lol is that weird?
one step closer to heaven
One step closer to you.
This, however small, was a step in the right direction.
It shows me that you still kinda maybe care.
You thought of me, if only for a fleeting moment.
This is good.
& giving up? not in my vocabulary.
This, however small, was a step in the right direction.
It shows me that you still kinda maybe care.
You thought of me, if only for a fleeting moment.
This is good.
& giving up? not in my vocabulary.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
twenty-five
I got inspired to do another 25 things when I read Kelsey's on facebook yesterday. So here I go.
1. I love learning about most all subjects (psychology, journalism, english/literature, biology, some aspects of history, theatre of course.. just not politics) but I despise studying. I do not have the patience to sit and read stuff over and over until I know it. I do better with more interactive tactics like writing.
2. I am madly in love with 90s John Stamos (get it Uncle Jessie. Get. It.) and Charles Shaughnessy (the hot British dad on 'The Nanny'). <3
3. I have a lot of confidence in what I am capable of, I just never voice it. But I have very little confidence in my self-worth.
4. Someday, I will have written an entire novel. Hopefully more than one. I have 2 in the works right now.
5. I find that oftentimes the people who make you feel the best about yourself have the same ability to make you feel the worst about yourself. It all depends on the admiration you have for them, you give them the power to influence your self-esteem. I need to stop that.
6. If given the opportunity to live my life over again with what I know now, I would not have to think twice before agreeing to it. I would change a few things, most definitely, but those changes would change a LOT. Why don't I live in the world of "Its a Wonderful Life"??
7. I don't give up on people. And am battling with that very issue right now.
8. I sometimes think that I was deprived of my "wild teenage years" because I was always so busy. I didn't want to grow up either. So like.. I had the responsibilities of an adult and the mentality of a child. And now those things are equalizing, and I am giving it my all to live each day to the fullest before I REALLY have to grow up.
9. Red hair is my favorite. But unfortunately, I think I would look terrible with red/auburn hair, and will forever remain too scared to dye it. Though, I have always wanted to put a temporary streak of some random color in my hair- blue, pink, purple.. something along those lines. And I don't think I would chicken out.
10. There were countless times throughout my childhood when I seriously considered running away from home, but I never did because I was far too rational. I knew that I could not survive out in the world alone, and if I went to anyone's house, they would send me home eventually. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, eh?
11. I want glasses. But my vision is close to perfect. Fail.
13. Sentimental "Winnie the Pooh" quotes speak to my soul. Like these:
"Promise me you'll never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave."
"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind, 'Pooh,' he whispered. 'Yes, Piglet?' 'Nothing,' said Piglet, 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'"
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."
"Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the forest, a little boy and his bear will always be playing."
14. I kept a diary throughout highschool but only wrote in it when I was feeling very strong emotions- positive or negative. I always find it interesting to look back through and see whose names grace the pages, how often, and why.
15. One day at recess in 2nd grade this dumb kid threw a huge stick up in the air and it hit me on the head. (I was not involved with the child's antics, and didn't even see when it was thrown.) But of course I bursted into tears and was rescued by my teacher, Mrs. Borror. Today, she is my friend on facebook. Don't you just love the circle of life?
16. When asked, I usually tell people that I don't like certain foods (hotdogs, movie theater buttered popcorn, regular pop-it-yourself popcorn, etc). This is a lie. I like these things very much, but just don't support the idea of them. Therefore, I seldom allow myself to "like" or eat them.
17. I will love you forever if you love me for a day. And I swear I am not exaggerating. Even people who have hurt me, betrayed me, left me... I know they loved me once upon a time and I would take a bullet for any one of them without hesitation.
18. I get to know people extremely quickly and LOVE it when people talk to me about their lives, but I often forget that I have told them nothing about me! Or sometimes I just disregard it. I am far more interested in my relationships with other people than I am in myself.
19. I have far too many inside jokes with myself, and have always been able to make myself laugh. A good ability for an only child I guess.
20. I have always had an incredible memory for music, namely showtunes, tv theme songs, and commercial jingles. Just ask me to sing one.. I even know the Batteries Plus song. lol.
21. For me- living on the edge is taking pictures in places where photography is not allowed (Broadway theatres, the Biltmore house, etc) and saving my lenoir cup so that I can get continuous refills instead of paying for another drink.
22. I despise my nose, my arm hair, my butt & thighs, and my eyebrows.
23. After being in Ragtime rehearsals and performances for 6 weeks, a girl who was IN THE SHOW and KNEW ME asked me, as I was leaving the final night cast party with Susan Powell (who was going to drop me off at my house 1 block away), if Susan was my mother. .... uhm.... yes.
24. My vocabulary includes phrases like "buh," "like a mofo," "holy mother of _____," "poop," "poo face," "stoked," "baller," and other wonderful words.
25. My childhood tv routine included The Rosie O'Donnell Show, Oprah, The Simpsons, Friends, and many other things that were wildly inappropriate for a 7 year old. But I think I turned out better for it.
1. I love learning about most all subjects (psychology, journalism, english/literature, biology, some aspects of history, theatre of course.. just not politics) but I despise studying. I do not have the patience to sit and read stuff over and over until I know it. I do better with more interactive tactics like writing.
2. I am madly in love with 90s John Stamos (get it Uncle Jessie. Get. It.) and Charles Shaughnessy (the hot British dad on 'The Nanny'). <3
3. I have a lot of confidence in what I am capable of, I just never voice it. But I have very little confidence in my self-worth.
4. Someday, I will have written an entire novel. Hopefully more than one. I have 2 in the works right now.
5. I find that oftentimes the people who make you feel the best about yourself have the same ability to make you feel the worst about yourself. It all depends on the admiration you have for them, you give them the power to influence your self-esteem. I need to stop that.
6. If given the opportunity to live my life over again with what I know now, I would not have to think twice before agreeing to it. I would change a few things, most definitely, but those changes would change a LOT. Why don't I live in the world of "Its a Wonderful Life"??
7. I don't give up on people. And am battling with that very issue right now.
8. I sometimes think that I was deprived of my "wild teenage years" because I was always so busy. I didn't want to grow up either. So like.. I had the responsibilities of an adult and the mentality of a child. And now those things are equalizing, and I am giving it my all to live each day to the fullest before I REALLY have to grow up.
9. Red hair is my favorite. But unfortunately, I think I would look terrible with red/auburn hair, and will forever remain too scared to dye it. Though, I have always wanted to put a temporary streak of some random color in my hair- blue, pink, purple.. something along those lines. And I don't think I would chicken out.
10. There were countless times throughout my childhood when I seriously considered running away from home, but I never did because I was far too rational. I knew that I could not survive out in the world alone, and if I went to anyone's house, they would send me home eventually. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, eh?
11. I want glasses. But my vision is close to perfect. Fail.
13. Sentimental "Winnie the Pooh" quotes speak to my soul. Like these:
"Promise me you'll never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave."
"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind, 'Pooh,' he whispered. 'Yes, Piglet?' 'Nothing,' said Piglet, 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'"
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."
"Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the forest, a little boy and his bear will always be playing."
14. I kept a diary throughout highschool but only wrote in it when I was feeling very strong emotions- positive or negative. I always find it interesting to look back through and see whose names grace the pages, how often, and why.
15. One day at recess in 2nd grade this dumb kid threw a huge stick up in the air and it hit me on the head. (I was not involved with the child's antics, and didn't even see when it was thrown.) But of course I bursted into tears and was rescued by my teacher, Mrs. Borror. Today, she is my friend on facebook. Don't you just love the circle of life?
16. When asked, I usually tell people that I don't like certain foods (hotdogs, movie theater buttered popcorn, regular pop-it-yourself popcorn, etc). This is a lie. I like these things very much, but just don't support the idea of them. Therefore, I seldom allow myself to "like" or eat them.
17. I will love you forever if you love me for a day. And I swear I am not exaggerating. Even people who have hurt me, betrayed me, left me... I know they loved me once upon a time and I would take a bullet for any one of them without hesitation.
18. I get to know people extremely quickly and LOVE it when people talk to me about their lives, but I often forget that I have told them nothing about me! Or sometimes I just disregard it. I am far more interested in my relationships with other people than I am in myself.
19. I have far too many inside jokes with myself, and have always been able to make myself laugh. A good ability for an only child I guess.
20. I have always had an incredible memory for music, namely showtunes, tv theme songs, and commercial jingles. Just ask me to sing one.. I even know the Batteries Plus song. lol.
21. For me- living on the edge is taking pictures in places where photography is not allowed (Broadway theatres, the Biltmore house, etc) and saving my lenoir cup so that I can get continuous refills instead of paying for another drink.
22. I despise my nose, my arm hair, my butt & thighs, and my eyebrows.
23. After being in Ragtime rehearsals and performances for 6 weeks, a girl who was IN THE SHOW and KNEW ME asked me, as I was leaving the final night cast party with Susan Powell (who was going to drop me off at my house 1 block away), if Susan was my mother. .... uhm.... yes.
24. My vocabulary includes phrases like "buh," "like a mofo," "holy mother of _____," "poop," "poo face," "stoked," "baller," and other wonderful words.
25. My childhood tv routine included The Rosie O'Donnell Show, Oprah, The Simpsons, Friends, and many other things that were wildly inappropriate for a 7 year old. But I think I turned out better for it.
Monday, June 1, 2009
nostalgia
I would say that I am a very nostalgic person. I like looking back on fond memories, and it actually dominates the conversation when I am with people who knew me 'back then.' However, sometimes I feel like I am a little too into the whole remember-when thing..
Sometimes, I think its okay because a lot of what I am nostalgic about is still a part of my life... like the people at CFRT who I miss, and enjoy reuniting with when I'm at home.
Then there is the type of nostalgia where I look back on some event, like a show, and never tire of re-living all the hilarious, stressful, and touching moments that made it so wonderful in the end.
And then sometimes the nostalgia is centered around something, or someone, that maybe I do need to just let go of. But where is the line between looking back lovingly and living in the past? I am not the type of person to forget... I can't forget someone who changed my life. I refuse to. But the question remains- do you sit back and let them forget you? Or do you keep trying, and make sure they at least know how you feel before they let you go?
I am not sure.
But I do know that I am unable, physically & mentally, to let myself say or do anything that may even slightly hurt you.
But this hurts me.
Should I let you know? Or should I just approach this from a naive, I miss you perspective?
God this sucks. If you weren't so effing complicated, then this would be so much easier.
Why am I not friends with more people my age? That is so much simpler. Because being the bigger person is extremely challenging when the other person is 29 years older.
Something has to be done though.
Because what if, one day, you reappear in my life.. or in the lives of people I love? Or what if, one day, I appear in your life unexpectedly?
And whenever I think about the shows, whenever I read my diary, or look through my photo album, whenever I sort through old emails, or watch certain things on television, or go the places we went, I am going to think of you. I can't help it.
You're lucky. You won't see me in the media all the time, and images of me will not haunt your imagination... I did not change your life, I just changed your experience in one show. Four, five weeks.
But me? I cannot avoid you. No matter what, I will never be able to forget you, unless of course I change my life, stop watching television, never go to CFRT again, stop using facebook & myspace..basically put myself in a bubble. And clearly, I will not do that- its stupid. Its worse when I'm home. Evidence of you is everywhere. And I wish you knew what you're doing to me, but you never will, I'll never tell you. I can't hurt you.
So here I am at a crossroads.
Wondering where to go from here.
And praying that whatever I do is the right thing.
Sometimes, I think its okay because a lot of what I am nostalgic about is still a part of my life... like the people at CFRT who I miss, and enjoy reuniting with when I'm at home.
Then there is the type of nostalgia where I look back on some event, like a show, and never tire of re-living all the hilarious, stressful, and touching moments that made it so wonderful in the end.
And then sometimes the nostalgia is centered around something, or someone, that maybe I do need to just let go of. But where is the line between looking back lovingly and living in the past? I am not the type of person to forget... I can't forget someone who changed my life. I refuse to. But the question remains- do you sit back and let them forget you? Or do you keep trying, and make sure they at least know how you feel before they let you go?
I am not sure.
But I do know that I am unable, physically & mentally, to let myself say or do anything that may even slightly hurt you.
But this hurts me.
Should I let you know? Or should I just approach this from a naive, I miss you perspective?
God this sucks. If you weren't so effing complicated, then this would be so much easier.
Why am I not friends with more people my age? That is so much simpler. Because being the bigger person is extremely challenging when the other person is 29 years older.
Something has to be done though.
Because what if, one day, you reappear in my life.. or in the lives of people I love? Or what if, one day, I appear in your life unexpectedly?
And whenever I think about the shows, whenever I read my diary, or look through my photo album, whenever I sort through old emails, or watch certain things on television, or go the places we went, I am going to think of you. I can't help it.
You're lucky. You won't see me in the media all the time, and images of me will not haunt your imagination... I did not change your life, I just changed your experience in one show. Four, five weeks.
But me? I cannot avoid you. No matter what, I will never be able to forget you, unless of course I change my life, stop watching television, never go to CFRT again, stop using facebook & myspace..basically put myself in a bubble. And clearly, I will not do that- its stupid. Its worse when I'm home. Evidence of you is everywhere. And I wish you knew what you're doing to me, but you never will, I'll never tell you. I can't hurt you.
So here I am at a crossroads.
Wondering where to go from here.
And praying that whatever I do is the right thing.
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