i just have so many feelings;

I've come to a point in my life where I want to be in a relationship.

Growing up, I always assumed that someday I would get married and have kids and do the traditional family thing, because I never really thought there was another option. Oddly, when I was about 8 years old, I specifically recall fantasizing about being an adult driving a pink convertible (like my Barbie doll had), working as a veterinarian (which obviously is no longer a desire), and DIVORCED. I have no idea why this was part of the fantasy, but I think I just always saw myself as independent. I never imagined myself being in a relationship with someone forever.

I am sure there are a plethora of ways to dig into that and rip apart my psyche, but let's not do that right now.

Anyway, time went on, and in college I began realizing the other options. I don't want to get married, so why should I? I have ZERO desire to have children, so maybe I'll just not?

I dated in college of course, but for the past couple years (maybe 3 years actually) I've considered myself "single by choice." Now don't get me wrong, if I had happened to meet someone who I clicked with and felt attracted to who happened to be attracted to me then hey, let's date. But I have never been the type to really pursue a relationship. I am awful at meeting new people, absolutely awful at it. If I go to a bar, no matter who talks to me, I give them the bitch face. I guess I just really don't respond well to people when I KNOW that the only reason they're talking to me is because we are in a bar and they are looking to get laid.

I suppose that's not the case with EVERYONE, but its the case that comes to mind.

The thing is, I really don't like all the games that come with 'playing the field' and stuff.. Like.. its honestly just exhausting to think about dating, especially in NYC where its like ok.. If I have a date that means I go there straight from work, don't get out of it until MAYBE 9pm, then am home at 10 and have to squeeze in a workout, a shower, cooking lunch for the next day, etc. And the fact that I would have to do this many times to find someone who I actually really liked? UGH. Just too much. I don't get why it has to be so hard.

I just want to like have someone who is a friend first, who I can talk to and who enjoys talking to me. I really need that friendship base with someone. I want it to feel organic and like one of those situations where you just have this impenetrable connection with someone that just sticks with you.

Anyway, that is how I've been feeling and I just wanted to express it.