baby let's just dance;

1. Three things about your body you love?
uhh I like my eye color I guess.. I like that my feet are a normal size, and I like my shoulders & collar bone. lol

2. Three things about your body you hate?
my butt, my thighs, my stomach.

3. Three things about your personality?
-I charm people easily.
-I make myself laugh all the time.
-I will drop everything to be there for someone I love.

4. Three things about your room?
Its my sanctuary.. i love my closet.. and there are lots of pictures on the walls.

5. Three things about your love life?
I don't have one right now.. I am not really looking for one right now.. I basically just stare at John Stamos nowadays.

6. Three things about your family?
I am an only child.. I barely ever talk to my extended family members.. and I wish I was a Braverman (from the show Parenthood) because I envy big families who are so connected

7. Three things you love?
friends, the internet, Manhattan

8. Three things you hate?
ignorance, meanness, people with a sense of entitlement

9. Three things you can’t live without?
human contact, sleep, food

10. Three favorite people?
Judge Milian, Bernadette Peters, Stacy London

11. Three favorite Tumblr people?
Erin, Kayla, Erin Miller

12. Three favorite blogs?
dancemoms, travel-europe, jenaniston

13. Three favorite foods?
BURRITOS, quesadillas, ice cream

14 Three most hated foods?
those things that are vegetables but they look like potatoes.. you know?, overly greasy things, overly salty things

15. Three favorite bands?
How about singers instead...? Adele, Sara Bareilles, James Blake

16. Three favorite songs?
A Case of you (the James Blake cover version), Take it all (Adele) and uh.. idk.. Colors of the Wind

17. Three favorite lyrics?
"I remember the time you told me life was touching souls, and surely you touched mine cuz a part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time" ; "when I get older I will be stronger, they'll call me freedom, just like a waving flag" ; "I am not a word, I am not a line; I am not a girl that can ever be defined; I am not fly, I am levitation, I represent an entire generation"

18. Three favorite words?
fuck, radiant, glorious

19. Three favorite TV shows?
PARENTHOOD, THE PEOPLES COURT (LOL) AND DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES AND LOTS MORE

20. Three favorite books?
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Ragtime, The Lovely Bones

21. Three favorite movies?
I don't know.. I never watch movies really

22. Three favorite regular drinks?
DIET DR PEPPER, COFFEE and.. thats all

23. Three favorite alcoholic drinks?
uhh idk I barely ever drink

24. Three favorite sports to play?
EW NO

25. Three favorite sports to watch?
EW NO

26. Three favorite sports teams?
EW NO STOP IT

27. Three favorite things you love about the opposite sex?
uh they are sometimes hot, they are sometimes awesome, they are cool sometimes also

30. Three turn ons?
hottness, funnyness, sweetness

31. Three turn offs?
douchery, assholeyness, being annoying

32. Three hobbies?
watching things on the internet, blogging in ALL the ways, daydreaming

33. Three things no one knows about you?
uh.. nothing. there is at least one person who knows about EVERY aspect of my life.. i dont really keep things hidden

take 'em to court, our court, the people's court;

Can I just say that the plaintiff's daughter in this case has lived something that would be a DREAM for me. Its just too funny.
She went on the People's Court and tried on dresses so that Judge Milian could TOUCH HER ASS. Good Lord. Best evidence ever. Ass touching.



You better believe that if anyone ever screws me over I am taking them on that show..

delicious ambiguity;

Well, after my day of extensive research, I have discovered that grad school is basically impossible.

A) I did not take stats in undergrad
B)For most programs, I did not take ENOUGH psych classes
C) I do not have $80,000 to toss aside
D) I do not want to have insane amounts of student loans coming out my ears for the rest of my life

For the moment (and we all know how bad I am at committing to decisions) the grad school plan is going by the wayside.

So.. when the au pair thing is over, I will be applying for jobs 24/7... and hopefully something will work out.

I kind of just want to get an apartment in a big city and get a cat or small dog. Or both. I want a real life. I am tired of all this ambiguity.

to follow that star;

This was the 2nd most productive thing I did today.. make a gif.
The first most productive was that I bought my ticket from France to Poland... and the rest of the day was a huge fail because all I did was eat and drink coffee and watch Full House.

Tomorrow I need to do something legit, like figure out if I for real want to go to grad school or not. Because I really don't know.

So yeah. Good times.

kid, don't sell your dreams so soon;

Things I am thankful for.

-I am thankful that I am in a more comfy place right now than I was one week ago today (the JFK airport watching the end of Top Model while wearing soaking wet shoes and clutching tightly to my bags of cheez-its and skittles)
-thankful that I had the opportunity to GO to NYC purely for pleasure, and that I got to see Jordi!!
-thankful that I got to see Judge Milian as well, and that she is such an inspiration to me
-thankful that my parents made amazing NACHOS for dinner and bought me dr pepper and trail mix
-thankful that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and that I get to eat my FAVORITE MEAL OF THE YEAR OM NOM NOM
-thankful that I have a great host family in Poland who I am really excited to meet in January
-thankful that I get to go see Erin for the new year in PARIS! :D
-thankful for my job and the job that I just left also
-thankful that I am no longer a student
-thankful that most of my problems are first world problems
-thankful that I grew up doing theatre and for the people I met there
-thankful that I went to a good college
-thankful for my far away friends: Jamie, Erin, Erin Mayfield, Nicki, Catherine, Linda, Leigh, Anna, Jordi!, and all the others
-..for my close by friends: Tyler, Cat, Samantha, Erin Miller.. etc
-and for the amazing people I work with!!
-thankful for the relaxation I receive from mindless television and the internet
-thankful for all the opportunities that lie ahead, and the lessons learned from the past

Happy Thanksgiving. :)

everybody's fine;

So.. I keep stressing out about my future- but the thing that did not occur to me until yesterday for some strange reason is this: I can't just jump into something. Having a plan is NOT going to help if it ends up not working out. I need to keep my options open.
Thus.
This is what's going to happen.
I definitely need to take the GRE before I leave the country, so that's happening. In so doing, I will do my grad school applications while I am in Poland. Also in Poland, I will attempt to find a host family in the UK or Ireland for April through June.
If it gets to a point where I don't think I will find that (perhaps early March) then I am going to pull out all the stops and apply for a million jobs all over the place. So basically, I am going to just apply for ALL the things and see what I get and take it from there.
One step at a time.
That is the plan.

so I'll leave for Manhattan;

NYC was amazing.

My plane landed Tuesday morning right as scheduled, and I trudged through the LONG corridors of JFK, until I reached the ground transportation area. I considered taking one of those airport shuttle buses into the city, but I would've had to wait a while on them, so I decided to just deal with spending the money and take a cab. It was a beautiful morning, and despite the traffic it was a good ride into the city. I also exchanged some texts with Jordi and we discussed the evening's plans and such. I had the cab driver take me straight to the Marriot so that I could get in line to get Follies tickets for that night.
When we got there, I found the box office and got in line- I was the 4th person. And its a good thing that I had my student ID, because to my surprise, I was in line for student rush tickets! haha. Anyway. It worked out quite well, and I got my 2 tickets (for me & Jordi) for $37 each!! Which is an AWESOME price. So I did that, and then went to the McDonalds that overlooks Times Square and had a tasty breakfast. Then I hung around the Time Square area for a bit.. went to the Forever 21 there which is amazing!! I love it.
From there, I walked in the direction of uptown and took lots of pictures until I ended up at Columbus circle & Central Park. I walked into the park and was taking some pictures when this dude walked towards me and said "What you need? You lose something?" I was like uhh.. no..?! And he was like "you know you're beautiful right?" I didn't say anything and he said "Can I talk to you for like 5 minutes?" and I was like oh no I've got to go, sorry. I mistakenly walked down a path where there was some sort of construction, so I had to turn around and go back to where that dude was so that I could get on another path. When I did that he was like "You coming back? Can I talk to you now?" And I just walked fast and said nothing. I stayed in the park for a good while, and I took LOTS of pictures. I love it there- so gorgeous. I also love seeing the horses and carriages looking all cool and old timey that people pay a lot of money for rides in. :) From there, I walked up 5th Avenue because I LOVE to go in all the stores there... Versace for H&M is TO DIE FOR. Gosh. I wanted so many clothes.. haaha. Also: the Forever 21 on 5th Avenue is EVEN MORE AMAZING than the one in Times Square. There was French pop playing in there.. Yelle to be exact. GAH. It was great times.
I took a Starbucks break and had an amazingly tasty caramel brulee frappuccino. Its a new flavor and I looooove it!!
Then I went over towards the place where The People's Court films.. I was supposed to be there by 2, and I was a few minutes early so I decided to hang out outside for a little while. Its funny because I was trying not to be awkward by being there early, but I ended up being MORE awkward by waiting... I was standing there, and there was a family about 6 feet down the sidewalk from me (a mom, a dad and a little girl who looked like she was about 7 or 8). So I'm standing there and all of a sudden (I had glanced down at this point) a couple exits the building hand in hand. The man was wearing suit pants, and the woman a tight black dress. I looked up at them, saw that unmistakable red hair, and my jaw dropped. My eyes widened as JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN who was off to get a quick lunch with her husband, LOOKED RIGHT AT ME. I am sure I looked like a complete fool, because it was SO CLEAR that I knew who she was and was amazed to see her out and about like that... She kept walking and said hello to the little girl before getting to the corner to cross the street. In my ridiculous awkwardness, I neglected to even snap a creeper picture of them from behind. What a fool am I. I wish I had at least SAID SOMETHING LIKE PERHAPS HELLO I LOVE YOU YOU ARE MY QUEEN. But alas. I did not. Although, she was two feet away from me for a brief moment, and I must say- she is even prettier in person than she is on television. Like, there is nothing fake about her at all. Her makeup is really not as heavy as you'd think it would be (she is 51!) and her hair - which in recent episodes has looked a goldish hue, is actually a brighter, slightly deeper & redder color than it appears under the tv lights. She is incredibly gorgeous.
I went in a few minutes later, and took the elevator up to the 8th floor where the People's Court is filmed. There was someone else on the elevator with me, and the doors opened on the 7th floor. I looked out, and there was a sign that said OWN- the Oprah Winfrey Network.. and some other wall decor which showed rather clearly that I was staring right into the offices at the studio where Gayle King films her talk show. What. How. Is this real life.
The green room was PACKED with people, many of whom seemed to know each other, and I sat in the back row (the room is basically a desk, a corridor, a water fountain and there are bathrooms through the doors at the far side of the room) next to some old ladies. I was basically very overwhelmed with the whole thing. After waiting a little while the lady in charge of the audience took us into the studio and arranged us in our seats. They seat you by basically putting those wearing the brighter colors closer to the front. I ended up in the 2nd row on the defendant's side of the room. It was a good seat.. After a little while Judge Milian, after her lunch, walked into the studio and out through a back door- she gave the audience a quick wave hello. Soon, it was time to film. Throughout all this, I was very distracted by trying to not make any weird faces and stuff, but the cases were hilarious and wonderful. Judge Milian made a heartfelt speech to a family, said a Spanish phrase, and yelled a little bit. It was pretty much awesome. :) We saw 3 cases, and afterwards Judge Milian came back out to the bench, read over some papers, and then re-said some things (which she had said in the cases that day that I guess didn't come out right.. like maybe she tripped over her words? Idk.) But she did that and then stepped off the bench to answer audience questions. Cameras were flashing all over the places, and she was so sweet and funny and very willing to be there. It was a wonderful experience. On the way out I asked the audience lady if I could come back the next morning- and she said that she had a group of 40 coming in and said I could come to the afternoon taping. I was like oh well I won't be here that late. She realized I was from out of town and was like "we can squeeze you in. Just get here by 10." Squee!
I was off from there, and went back to the Times Square area where I was to meet Jordi. I found her and we were happy and we walked around trying to decide where to get a quick meal. We went to this deli thing where there is a buffet, and they charge by weight of the food. I ate a hodge podge of mashed potatoes, pasta, fried rice and macaroni & cheese. It was tasty shit.
Then we went to the theatre- our seats were in the mezzanine, but they were surprisingly good. I could see Bernadette Peters quite well and the show was SPECTACULAR. Completely flawless. I don't even know what they could have done with it to make it once OUNCE better because it was fucking perfect. SO well cast, well danced, well sung, well acted. Just glorious. My favorite part was the top of act 2 where the 4 main characters are arguing... they walk downstage and a greyish flat curtain falls behind them. Then, in a SPLIT second, the curtain is GONE and we see this incredibly backdrop made of bright red flowers, showgirls and everything that embodied the Follies era. It was breathtaking. Then they did a series of big, showy numbers... after that, Bernadette Peters came out to center stage to sing the eleven o'clock number- Losing my Mind. And after ALL the high energy dancing and singing, Bernadette just STOOD THERE and EMOTED and SANG... and it was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Said so much about Sally's character in comparison to the others, and I just ate it up.. Amazing.
After the show, Jordi and I took the subway downtown to this restaurant (Max Brenner) where they are famous for CHOCOLATE. We ate mac & cheese (made with bacon and topped with tiny chopped tomatoes and marinara on the side) waffle fries with spicy cheese dip, and of course we both had dessert. I had this chocolate cake thing topped with strawberries, that came with a tiny chocolate shake thing and a salt and pepper shaker-looking thing in which there was melted chocolate to pour on the cake. Incredible.
Then we Subway-ed uptown to where Jordi lives.. Her apartment is adorable, and yes, small, but more than enough space for one person. I would be thrilled to live in a place like that! So cool. :) We hung out and Jordi serenaded me on the ukulele and then went to sleep. We woke up to an alarm at 7:30ish, but then decided to forego breakfast and sleep a bit more. We eventually got up and got ready, took the subway to midtown, and parted ways. I had to head straight to the studio to see the People's Court again, and Jordi headed off to work. I got to the studio and the green room was packed again. The group there was a high school government class from Long Island (and DUDE what an amazing field trip that was for them!!).. The lady took them all in first and seated them, and then returned to pick about 7-8 other people out of the remaining 10-15 in the green room, because there was limited space for seating in there. (The studio is a lot smaller than it appears on tv.) I was the 2nd person she picked out. At first she thought I was a wayward high school kid, but then she remembered me as being the out of towner from the day before. That day, I was seated AGAIN on the 2nd row, defendant's side.. just a little bit father towards the outside of the bench (away from the center) than where I had been the day before. It was the PERFECT seat.. the day before I was annoyed because the lady in front of me kept craning her neck to see the judge, so then I in turn could NOT see her at times at all. So annoying. That day, I had a GREAT view. The only time I couldn't see her was when the defendant had a witness standing next to them who was talking to the judge.. which, luckily, was only once or twice. We saw SIX cases that day!! I was worried that the high school kids were going to be boisterous and immature, but they seemed happy to be there and were very attentive. It made for a really fun crowd actually! They gave us mini-chocolate bars in the middle of all of it... it was a good time. The hallway guy hung out and spoke to the audience for a little while.. he is shorter than he appears on tv, and also looks a bit older than he does on tv!! He is an attractive fellow though, and very funny and nice. Judge Milian did a Q&A both days after the filming was over.. but that day, I was the ONLY person taking pictures.. lol.
It was fun though of course. I loved going there, because it became even MORE clear to me that Judge Milian is fucking amazing. The cases get edited down quite a bit- each one lasts about 30 minutes real time in the courtroom, but they are edited in order to fit into a 45 minute (because of commercials) show ... and they put 3 cases in each episode! So yeah. She DEFINITELY hears both sides very carefully, and is extremely fair. The woman knows her shit. It is a very legit system.
Anyway, after that I went to yet another McDonalds with one of those amazing soda machines that I love, and ate and sat for a little while. It was raining that day.. boo.
I walked from there and went to various places- more stores (another H&M), the M&M store, other random places like that which I had neglected the day before. It was fun, but I was getting progressively soaked, and water had soaked all the way through my shoes & socks, so I was basically walking in a swamp.
At around 5, I got a cab to head to the airport... traffic was absolutely horrendous. I gave myself ample time to get to the airport, but of course I was late for my check in time .... so... they had to rebook my flight, and I spent the night in JFK, sitting on a very uncomfortable bench being freezing cold. It could have been worse though. I got some snacks and paid for some internet so at least I was occupied. I flew out at about 7:45 the next morning, got home, and slept all day.

It was a great trip. :)

so many doubts;

New York was amazing.
Poland is SET for January through the end of March.. after that (if I can't find another au pair gig in the UK or Ireland) I would like to spend about a week or 2 in that area and just travel and explore.
Perhaps I can spend a few weekends in Italy during the Poland thing, and I get to do Paris for New Years with Erin.. so at least that way I will get to see the places I most want to see.

I will eventually write a more detailed post about NYC, but right now I am yet again unsure what the hell I want to do with my life.
I was pretty set on this grad school thing until today. I was watching My Extreme Animal Phobia today, on which Dr. Robin Zasio is the therapist, and I was watching her deal with these people who were being complete bitches to her and yelling at her. And she was just like ... being all sweet and stuff.. and like, I am just not sure that I could do as good a job at stuff like that as Dr. Zasio does. I am a person who basically MAKES myself be good at the things I do.. so if I think I am not going to be good at something, I either put it off or do something else or whatnot. I don't know. Part of me just wants to escape to NYC.. but nothing about moving there would be an escape. Costs of living are high there so I mean.. it would be a huge challenge, and I would not want to get up there and then either not be able to find a job or find a job that I end up hating.. I just don't know.

Why do I never know what to do with myself.

Anyone reading this want to tell me what to do with my life??

I just want Judge Milian to preside over my life and tell me what to do. That would be great.

i saw the sign;

I am apparently a libra sun sign, virgo moon, and libra rising.

Someone I follow on tumblr recently started like.. letting people send her their birthday days/times/places and somehow from that this information is gathered.

Anyway, this fascinates me because I am fascinated by digging deeper as far as personalities.. and like.. its cool that the stuff it says is so true of me!

Like this:
Libra Sun Sign--

Motto: "To every action there is an opposite and equal reaction."
Greatest Strength: Your grace and charm when helping others
Possible Weakness: Forgetting to take care of your own needs

The Scales are the only zodiac symbol that's neither animal nor human -- but surely that doesn't make you any less human. In fact, you are among the most sociable of the signs. As scales of old were really "balances," so to do you seek balance in all that you do. You respond to situations with grace as you attempt to put others at ease. Artistically, you try to balance form, content, colors and elements, and for this reason can be drawn toward creative endeavors.

Virgo Moon---
Motto: "I feel like I can do better."
Greatest Strength: Your ability to analyze your emotions
Possible Weakness: The tendency to be too self-critical

The Virgin is highly discriminating, but not necessarily as prudish at some might believe. In ancient times, a Virgin was a woman who was not the property of man, and therefore had the legal right to just say "no." Now, in modern times, you Virgos are known for your ability to be highly discriminating. When you are ready, however, to say yes, the laser-like focus of your passion is anything but prudish. Generally, you have a great deal of common sense. But you tend to be tough on yourself, finding flaws that others might overlook. Learning to overlook the small stuff now and then can be good for you.

Libra Rising---
Motto: "Is everybody happy?"
Greatest Strength: Bringing harmony to your environment
Possible Weakness: Unwillingness to deal with confrontation

Libra Rising is a sign of social skill, charm and grace. You approach the world with a distinct sense of harmony, seeking to create an environment in which others feel welcome. Your manner is likely to be quite attractive with a natural sense of style. You often put others first, setting aside own needs until theirs are met. While this is a delightful habit that most people appreciate, it can make it harder to stand up for yourself. Battling for others, for justice and fairness comes easily, but fighting for your own interests may be more difficult.

This stuff is kind of cool!! :)

its like summer;

There is no one on the internet right now to talk to so I am going to talk to this blog.

I am having trouble deciding how long in total I would like to be in Europe/au pair-ing... I think that between my 2 options for January, I would fit in better with Poland family than England family. From there, I have that definite Italy offer for April through the end of June.

At that point, if I get into UMiami and decide to go, then I will have to come back to the US so I can like move to Miami and get a job and somewhere to live and stuff.. BUT, the more likely thing is that I will not get into UMiami. Frankly, I don't know if I will get into ANY of the grad schools I'm applying to.
I think that I have pretty much decided however, to apply to start in January 2013 at the other schools.. I would do the same for UMiami, but they make you start in the fall for that program.

If I start grad school in January, then I will have time for a 3rd (and maybe a 4th if someone allows a 2 month commitment which is rare but not impossible) au pair experience. In that case, if I have already gone to Poland and Italy by that point, I would like to go to the UK or Ireland.. or France.

Its just hard I guess because now that I kind of have a potential idea of what I want to do with my life, I feel like I should not waste a lot of time galavanting through Europe.. BUT at the same time I know that this is the perfect time for me to travel because I am not yet tied down to anything. At all.

I really am in love with the Miami area though.. I might move down there whether I get into school down there or not.

Who knows.

i have a heart like the sea;

This week is going to be lame and filled with work at both places far too often.
But then..
November 12: my last Bread Bash
November 15: NYC
November 17: Erin comes to visit from Georgia??
November 22: last day at retail job
November 24: THANKSGIVING.
December __: last day at catering job
December 18: move out of apartment
December 20: taking the GRE
December 25: Christmas
December 28: fly to PARIS
This is what is happening with the rest of my year. This is good.

Now, as far as January, it looks like I'll be going to either England or Poland.
I am going to make this shit work.
It could be either: England 3 months, Italy 3 months (Milan, NOT Verona), ambiguity.
Or: Poland 3 months, Italy 3 months, ambiiguity.
Or: England 3 months, Poland 2 months, ambiguity.

Goodness.
This stuff is complicated but.. I can deal.
Both Polish families seem AMAZING.. It is going to be really hard for me to make this decision, but I am very blessed that I have a decision to make and that I am not going to be stuck in NC anymore. lol
I really like the Milan, Italy family.. they have 2 little adorable girls. And my desire to go to Italy remains, despite the negative experience I had with my previous Italian family (aka my post from Friday). Also, this whole grad school thing is causing me to kind of be in a pickle.. like.. I don't know whether or not I need to bank on going to grad school in the fall or not. I am considering applying to start 2nd semester (January) everywhere except UMiami.. That way, I would have time to go to 3 countries as an au pair, and then have some extra time to scope out places to live in Florida (because I am completely enamored with Miami all of a sudden.. Tampa is my 2nd choice) and jobs and the like. Who knows.
Life is complicated.

a million dreams are in me;

Here's what I want for the next few years: Europe (England, Poland, Italy, Ireland).. and then I want to move to Miami, dye my hair red, get a Masters, and swim with dolphins. After that: who knows.

Here's what I want right now: sleep.

sick of everything;

Will someone please tell me why it is that every other day something incredibly shitty happens and I end up crying to my mother about it because there is no one else to talk to.

My "host family" has apparently magically found some girl who can au pair for them for a full year (illegally I presume? Because apparently for them breaking laws is JUST FINE) and want to have her come instead of me.

To that I say: Fuck you.

But at the same time, I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO AT ALL IF I DO NOT TO GO FUCKING ITALY. THIS IS NOT AN OKAY SITUATION.
I will have NO job NO apartment NO NOTHING. No prospects whatsoever.

My life is such a worthless pile of shit.

you're saying a lot of words but I'm still not understanding;

LOL I am watching a case on the People's Court right now about this woman who did PR for an outdoor show and its SO RIDICULOUS. Ohmygoodness PR is the bigglest load of crap sometimes.. its just a lot of frilly words that mean very little. Judge Milian is like seriously woman wtf is this crap it means nothing. I am so amused. Why did I major in PR???!?!?! -____-