look how they shine for you;

There really is magic. Even here.
There is beauty in everything & everyone.
And there is always hope;
always a reason to smile.

Those are the philosophies by which I am trying to live my life at the moment. But its really not even hard. I am madly in love with my work peeps, as per usual. Today was EPIC. We had such a great team there today... and even though it was a bit chaotic, it was ORGANIZED chaos, which is my favorite kind. And it was a good day.
(Even though I saw Angels in America part 2 last night which is a MOFO long play and thus went to bed later than I would have liked to.)
And after work it was such a wonderful day that I decided I should do something with it, so I went to the mall to buy more pants for work, which I needed. And I rode all the way there with the windows down and the radio blasting and I was belting along with it and DIDN'T EVEN CARE. :)
AND it was SOOOOO NICE OUT that I wore my SHORTS (the one pair of shorts I own), my Little Miss Sunshine tshirt, and my yellow cardigan and sandals and I was loving it.
And I got some pants. And I also really wanted a black cardigan and some black skinny jeans, but there were none to be found. Buh. Anyway, it was fine. I did enjoy a nice conversation with a mall cop about where I might buy a ukulele though.
You see, I've wanted a ukulele for like a year now. And so now I've actually decided to pursue that desire for real. SO, I ordered one online when I got home. I'm stoked.

Here are some songs I want to learn on it:
-Yellow, Coldplay
-Manchester, Brendan James
-F*ckin Perfect, Pink
-Fergalicious, Fergie (for.. purposes which shall remain unspecified at this moment)
-Make you feel my love, Bob Dylan (more so the Adele version though)
-You & I, Ingrid Michaelson

AND THERE WILL BE MORE.
I AM SO PUMPED.

This week is about to be crazy.
But, life is good. :)
<3

just a spoon full of sugar;

I would just like to take a moment to reflect on my ridiculous eating habits.
Case in point;
today for breakfast I had a peanut butter sandwich, some cheez-its, a cupcake, and iced coffee
during class I had coffee again
for lunch I had yogurt topped with gummy bears
then I went to Panera and foolishly, instead of eating something legit, I had a sierra mist/hawaiian punch blend
then for dinner I had a small helping of leftover enchilada casserole, 2 spoonfulls of cookie dough, and apple juice.

I feel like that's a little bit ridiculous. haha

365 thoughts (10)

Knowing you're free is one thing, but acting on it is another. Its easy to feel safe in one place, but it takes something else, something from deep within, to push oneself out of the realm of safety into the vastness of the world where everything is at risk.
I know the world is my oyster.
I just don't know if I know how to make the most of it.

you burn so brightly in the dark;

The thing is, I don't know what I want to do with my life. And as a college senior, I am freaking out about it.
You know what I really want to do?
I want to make people feel good about themselves.
I want to work with cool people and get paid enough to not worry so much.
I want to have a job that I don't hate.
That's really all.

I don't have time right now to think about insurance or RETIREMENT for goodness sake because I feel like I have some time before those things need to be my TOP priority. Guh. This is so stressful.

I just want a rough plan. Its not like I need a guarantee of anything. I just need a plan. But in order for that to happen, I need to make some decisions as to where I want to be and what I want to do. Its just so frustrating. Things are way too up in the air and I don't like it.

I need someone older and wiser to just tell me straight up what they think I should do. I like to get other people's opinions on things. SO HEY GUYS GIVE ME SOME OPINIONS.
Right now there has been a motion to postpone the move to NYC to the very beginning of January as opposed to mid-August (of this year).
I just don't know what the better decision is. Or if there is a better decision.

This is me freaking out.

And now I'm going to listen to some French music and maybe try to write this dang paper that's due tomorrow.... SIGH.

we just wanna make the world dance;

I am finding life incredibly beautiful lately.
I'm trying not to get too bogged down by homework and class and stuff. I have really never been passionate about school. I am passionate about DOING things and sometimes I have even been known to do research on something random because I WANT to know about it. I just really am excited about being done with school. But I am trying to avoid thinking about what comes next. I mean, the thing is, moving to NYC is what I'm doing in the fall. This is a fact, unless of course something ridic happens and it falls through. In which case I'm sure it will be a delay rather than a cancellation. BUT either way, the moving to NYC is happening, and when it does, I will be completely wide open. I will have no connections to anything or anyone (I mean I do have a few friends up there but, its not like I'm super close to them). It'll just be me & Erin and a couple of cats when we get them. And for the first time, I am starting to get sad about leaving Chapel Hill. I was never sad before because I've always thought of college as just a temporary thing that everyone does temporarily, and everyone spends a few years here and then moves on. It doesn't really make me sad to leave people who I know are also going to leave .. you know? Like, its a temporary place for all of us. But then there's my amazing INCREDIBLE wonderful work friends who I love more & more with each passing shift. And for them, a lot of them anyway, Chapel Hill is home. When I leave them, I'll really be leaving them. And they'll be staying here and like.. raising families and stuff. And they will have children that I won't get to babysit or anything because I'll be in another state!!
I have always been notoriously bad at goodbyes. I hate them, I really do. And I always want a goodbye to be like.. sentimental and sweet and perfect, but it never really works out how I want and I never say the right things. GAH. This is why I type my feelings. Because I cannot speak them because I am the capital of awkward.
Like literally, at work the other day Jurga and I were talking about like.. going to Europe & stuff (she & I are ironically both planning trips that involve Paris & London this summer (but mine also involves NYC and hers involved a few other European cities)) and so I told her that my trip was going to end with some NYC apartment/job scavenging and she said, "So you're really going to move to New York?" And I was like "Yeeaahhhh..." in I swear to God the MOST REGRETFUL TONE WITH WHICH I HAVE EVER ANSWERED THAT QUESTION and I explained that it had been basically a lifelong dream of mine that I really wanted to act on... and then we just looked at each other. And it was that thing where you look at someone and you're both thinking the same thing (I hope) but neither of you wants to say it. That thing where you realize what you'll be saying goodbye to. Because like, gah. She is just one of those people who I want to be forever bffs with. I want to be around when she has kids because I know they're going to be ADORABLE and blonde and precious and bilingual and I just want to have her to see and talk to and that just won't be an option. I hate goodbyes. And that is just ONE of the horrible goodbyes in my future.

This is getting too emo.

I am really in a happy place right now. I love my job more than any normal person ever loved a part time job. I really don't mind waking up at insane o'clock to go to it and I don't mind getting bruises all the time and all the things that you're supposed to be bothered by at a job like this. I love it. I love it so much and I love everyone I work with. I think that's pretty clear at this point...

But I feel like its made me rediscover the core of who I am.
The core of who I am is a person who loves being part of a makeshift family. I like getting to know everyone and discovering each person's unique quirks and establishing a dynamic with people. I like getting comfortable with people. I like to tell people about themselves too. Because I find that a lot of times, people don't realize themselves. They forget how fantastic they are... being around oneself all the time can do that though I suppose. So I like to remind them of it. I like to make people smile and laugh and on those rare but precious moments, I like to make people cry with love and happiness. It gets me high. It fulfills me. And I'm not even giving them anything but knowledge of the wonder within themselves. But upon doing that, I feel an even deeper connection. And I know that they do too. It always works that way. If you connect with people at the core of themselves, where they are vulnerable and just really want to be remembered, recognized, and loved, you will make a REAL connection. Its magical.

I'm just happy. Its so easy to find the beauty in your own life when you're helping others see it in themselves. And that is the person I lost sight of I think, for a while. The me who is totally awkward and kinda shy, and just really wants to hug you. The me I was when I was 15 and loved writing notes to people. I lost sight of it in college and schoolwork and h2h and theatre and all the other things I do to keep myself busy. I forgot that all I needed was this- this type of connection. So I mean, even if it didn't work as well as it did, I would still feel great about it. Because I believe in making connections and telling people how you really feel and just showing that you are there to love them.
And I am.
I am here to love you.

I need you to know you can fall into me.

I love riding the bus with the windows open and listening to my ipod and taking naps and having great dreams and eating chocolate and burritos and going shopping and not really having that many obligations. This is new for me. And I like it.
Life is beautiful.
I'm just trying to focus on creating moments now. Because there's not much time.

Here are some things I need to do before I move to NYC:

-go stargazing with amazing people
-be Jurga's personal stylist for a day (WHICH SHE AGREED TO TODAY! :D )
-go to cookout late at night
-go to Rocky Horror in Raleigh
-go to Cosmic at 2am
-have a very girly sleepover night
-sing karaoke
-throw a party
-deepen my relationships with newer friends (esp work people)
-become a trainer at work
...there is more but I am not thinking that clearly right now. haha.

Just.
Be real.
That is one thing I wish people would do.
If you want someone in your life, you better KICK SOME ASS AND RIP DOWN SOME WALLS AND BE BRAVE AND PULL THEM IN. If you really want someone around, you have to fight. Nothing worth having comes easy. Don't assume that people will pursue you. You have to pursue them. Maybe they just don't know how to begin with you, or they're too shy or worried or scared. YOU be the one who shows interest. And then if they reject you, then oh well. Its fine. Because you should know that you are fucking awesome and when someone treats you like shit for no reason, its THEIR problem, not yours. Their loss. That's how you should feel. Whoever you are.
There is a lack of authenticity in the world. We're all so scared of saying things that really matter so we just talk about shit. Well. I am over it with that. I am making a comeback. I am being brave and loving on the tips of waves and taking risks and pulling people in. Because I want them there. And its worth it. SO worth it.
Getting close to people is a very simple thing if you just let them know that you want to know them. Really know them. And that you want them around. Because so often we feel like we're burdens on other people, but if you just let someone know that you love their presence, it really makes a world of difference.


I honestly just want everyone to know that I love them. When I say that I mean it. I have never given an empty compliment either, and I don't plan to start.

Anyway, this has gotten really long somehow.
Its bedtime. :)

365 thoughts (9)

One thing I know for sure is that everyone is searching for real connection underneath whatever exterior masks they wear. I look at people through that, to the vulnerable little souls they are wandering through life looking for something to hold on to. And I know that if you relate to people on that level, you cannot fail. It changes things.

& in that moment I swear we were infinite;

You have no idea how happy I am that I make you happy.
It was one of those moments where everything was so right & I knew I was where I was for reason.
I hugged you sweetly and timidly and you held on so tight I almost thought you'd never let go. We were close. We were finally a we. I can't tell you when I last felt contact so real, so immeasurably intertwined that our souls met for a moment. It was as if we had been reaching all this time and then finally we caught hold of one another. And in that moment, I swear we were perfect... We were infinite.

"valentine's day goof-ball"

The people I work with are the best people in the world.
I delivered my valentines like the VDay elf that I am, and they were all SO HAPPY and sweet and it made me SO SO THRILLED. I love making people smile! :D Its how I get high. lol.
And my general manager, who I adore SO FLIPPING MUCH and want to be when I grow up, basically cried. I love that. It was precious and today is a wonderful day.
And most importantly, there was a great hug, a great bagel & pastry, and a great conversation involved. :D
Amazing, gorgeous day.

sidenote;

I think I should make public record of it somewhere that John Edwards came to dine at my place of employment the other day.
I laughed at the sight of him.
I was just so taken aback that here was this ridiculous and controversial political figure, sitting in the dining room of my workplace.
It was an epic moment.
/random encounter.

there wouldn't be lights bright enough;

This is the song I only sing when you're sleeping. These are the words I say when you can't hear me. This is the way I look when you can't see me. And you will never know. -iwrotethisforyou

..At this point, even though I DO know who I am, I don't know if its even worth trying to prove it to you..
But you don't know me.
You never did.

I just don't get this at all.

But, I guess I never really did.

365 thoughts (8)

My days are running together. In the mornings my alarm goes off and all that surrounds me is the dark and the quiet and I lay there trying to remember what day it is and what I have to get up and get ready for.
I never know what day it is and I'm living hour by hour.
I've lost sight of the long haul and I'm waiting for you to bring it back to me.

i want to be magnetic;

I think I like you so much because you're so reminiscent of those who came before you.
You are everything I want to be while simultaneous to being everything that intimidates me. I want to know everything about you. I want to know what is behind the walls you put up. I want you to be someone I can text when I'm bored and have it turn into a wonderful conversation.
I just want to pull you in while I still have time because soon I'll be gone and you'll be here and I will have lost my chance.

365 thoughts (7)

I wish I let myself go sometimes. Just shed my inhibitions and be as me as I can be around everyone. I wish I wasn't so easily intimidated by people. I wish I didn't have reason to be. I wish I were able to shed my inhibitions so I could be myself from the beginning and get to know everyone I love from afar.
I feel like there are way too many people in my life who I will never get close to because I won't let myself.
Sometimes I wish I were different.

i've been there before & you've been there before but together we can be alright;

Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and DID NOT CARE THAT I WAS LAME.
Tonight is one of those nights where I feel like I could stay up until like 4am and still be happy tomorrow even though I have to get up at 6 for work. Whatever. I'm sure I'll go to bed in like an hour anyway because I am overly responsible (aka, lame) when it comes to days I have to work at early o'clock.
I don't know what this blog is trying to be about.
I think I prepare more for Valentine's Day than I do for any other holiday. Its a little bit random, as someone who has never been PROPERLY in love, but whatever y'all.
Are journalism majors allowed to become psychologists?
.. Or personal stylists?
..! Maybe I should be a life coach for women who focuses on self esteem through style and overcoming your troubled past.
Is that too specific?
Or.. too NOT A THING?

I really like my sex & gender class even though I never take notes and always play Sudoku in there. I do pay attention. It might turn me into a feminist.. or a Jordi more so.. haha. ;)

OHMYGOD I MISS ERIN.
And I randomly (tonight) started missing people I haven't seen or talked too in a really long time, like theatre people from days gone by.
But honestly like, I feel like they made me into who I am so I guess letting go of something that strong and influential is difficult, especially since I haven't gotten to see a CFRT show in so long or anything..

Also, I am rewatching Friends, and it is making me remember how much I loved Jennifer Aniston when I was a child. She was probably the first mainstream actress I ever looked up to.

OMG Y'ALL I JUST LEARNED HOW TO SAY FUCK IN FRENCH.
:DD

Clearly my mind is a bit scattered this evening. I'll stop this maddness now.
Work tomorrow followed by amazing retail therapy. :)

love like pi

Piers Morgan asked Oprah on his show, "How many times have you been properly in love?"
and the more I think about it
the more I realize I have no idea how I would answer this question...

I need to know that these people exist;

Here is why today was a great day.

I had to get up at mofo o'clock today for work.. and I had to do dining room, which is not my favorite. But awesome people like Jackie were there today. It really makes me feel good when I'm working with an awesome team like that. Anyway, I got to eat and expired souflee and part of a Valentine cookie. So that was tasty. And I had coffee and soda and fruit punch and got hyped up on sugar and caffiene, which made me super awake.
Also I got called "muscles" several times at work today, which is very amusing and delights me each time.

Then when I got home I put on a cute outfit and went to class and my ipod was BANGIN on the way there because my new playlist, entitled- FLOBSESSED (which has very few MOR songs, and then other songs I am obsessed with) was happening.
And I saw this dude... and I texted Jordi this:
Me- I JUST SAW THAT CREEPY GUY FROM OUR ACTING CLASS AND HE HAS A REALLY LONG BEARD LIKE SANTA OR A HERMIT.
Jordi- Thank God you're alive.
...I enjoyed that. :)
Class was boring as per always, but he let us out 15 minutes early and LO AND BEHOLD I FINISHED THE SUDOKU.
And then I went home and ate a PB&J, some cheez-its and some ice cream.. and I drank some diet dr pepper.
Its a good life.

In other news, I applied to go on a networking trip to NYC with the J-school (PLEASE GOD LET ME GET IT) and also I am currently reading 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' by Stephen Chbosky, which I just had to get my hands on after seeing & LOVING all the quotes from it people post on tumblr.. and next I am reading 'An Abundance of Katherines' because John Green is amazing.
These books are both in my presence right now and I am quite pleased about it.

I'm really tired. Like, my head is spinning. Buhhhhh.