although there's pain in my chest I still wish you the best;

BLAAAH I have no idea what to do with myself this spring/summer.

Here's the thing.
I am in this wedding that's happening in earlyish June.
And I am spending early early June in NYC with Erin looking at apartments and applying for jobs and whatnot.
Those are definites.

Now, other than that, here are some options:

A) go to another 92Y event in NYC with Stacy London in March (which would be a quick, 1-2 night trip)
B) go to this gala thing in May to see Stacy London (which would be an equally short trip, but more expensive than the former)
C) do neither of the above and go throughout Europe this summer
D) maybe do option A & visit the UK this summer
E) do neither A or B & visit the UK this summer
F) do none of the above and work at Chapel Hill Panera this summer, while paying rent & living up there in June & July
G) not pay rent, maybe do one trip, live at home this summer & work at Fayetteville Panera

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.
At this moment, I am actually leaning towards doing A or B, and saving Europe for when I am more financially stable, and living at home this summer & working.
PEOPLE, PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR OPINIONS ON ALL THIS. I suck at making decisions.

slip away to a day that'll never come;

Goals for 2011:
-be strong & motivated, and not disappoint myself
-If I make mistakes, don't beat myself up, but don't make excuses either! Get my shit together and make the next day count.
-start working out again.. if I feel like it. lol
-go to Europe
-Move to NYC
-channel the moxie of Rory Gilmore as I throw down with some professors and GET INTO THAT FLIPPIN CLASS I NEED TO GRADUATE
-graduate
-become a trainer at work
-get a real job when I move that I really like
-carry a book everywhere I go in case I get bored
-never let things hold me back- take risks & live to the fullest

UNC to do list:
-go out with Ewin on a semi-regular basis
-go stargazing in Kenan Stadium
-play in the fountain again
-throw a party
-go see Rocky Horror with Sarai
-hang out on campus more often
-go see a career services person
-make the most of every day :)

NYC to do list:
-work in an office type situation and dress fiercely every day
-go ice skating at Rockefeller Center
-watch the ball drop on New Years from a window above Times Square
-never need to go to Starbucks because I can make my own lattes & cappuccinos at home! :)
-make my feet more accustom to wearing heels, and wear them all the time
-start cooking again
-shop at Zabars
-spend an entire day shopping for amazing clothes & shoes
-have a coffee table with giant books on it for guests to pa-rouse
-go see shows ALL the time
-reinstate my 'Will & Grace'-esque relationship with Jacob
-find a really beautiful, old fashioned church to attend REGULARLY
-visit Coney Island
...there are more, but that's all for now :)

i just wanted to see what it would be like;

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

— Neil Gaiman

i dream days away but thats ok;

I never thought I would be feeling like this about something I thought was so unbreakable at one time. I don't know what to say or do anymore. Apparently what we had is gone and broken and it feels so wasted and I have no idea what to do about it.
We are scattered and divided and our collective heart is torn in two.
I have to just face the reality of this and grow up and go it alone. I have a life to lead. I can find others. I am strong and I can deal with this and I don't need you. I can't let myself need you.

no i can't take one more step towards you;

I know this is like.. totally immature of me
but I really want to just scream and yell and cry and curse
until it gets through your thick skull how I actually feel.

You make me feel like crap.
And worse, you make me feel like I never really knew you
and don't want to try.

Next time, the screening process will be more thorough.

i learned to live half a life & now you want me one more time;

My passion for theatre is waning. I mean, not REALLY, but for some reason I feel less enthused about participating in theatrical ventures. I feel like its a job now. An obligation. And I hate things like that, thus the waning passion.
Additionally, my life sucks because all I do is go to class & go to work.. and stuff. And I am DYYYINGGG to go to Europe and actually experience what its like to BE in Europe for real, not just as a tourist. So I am trying to get an internship in London this summer. There are several different programs I could do, but they're all super expensive.. So at this moment the ideal thing would be to find someone I can stay with in London and then get some sort of permit to work overseas..? I know nothing about such procedures, or if that's even possible without being in some internship placement program, but I'll look into it.
SPEAKING OF such things though, I have decided I would love to do fashion PR. This seems like a perfect thing for me since obvs I didn't go to school for fashion, so I'd never be able to get a real fashion job, and I kinda am studying PR. So yeah. Also I love fashion. So some such job like that would be great.

In other news, I am kind of a loner lately, which is fine but weird. And on top of such, I am totally over it with like.. people. Some of them. As I've said before- I will not chase after you and bend my interests to suit you. Come find me if you're interested. Otherwise, its whatevs. I am done dealing with people who can think of nothing but themselves.

ALSO I went to Carrburritos with Taylor today and it was DELISH. About the same price as Qdoba AND the burritos come w/ chips and salsa, ANDDD they have DIET dr pepper. This place might be my new favorite. :) It was also pretty awesome because Taylor & I basically never hang out anymore. So yay bonding time. :D

Anyway. That's really all. Except for my car is like.. dying. And I am going shopping tomorrow. The end.

shut up & let me go;

It really REALLY pisses me off when people don't respect the fact that I have a job. Which pays me. Which I do ON TOP OF SCHOOL and theatre shit.

I am so over it.

I just want this stupid week to be over.

where you lead, i will follow;

I feel like I either need a pet or a boyfriend to keep me occupied. All I've focused on is myself lately.. I mean, not in a vain way.. in a weird way. I find myself alone a lot more than I usually am. When I'm home all I want to do is be in my room & chill & watch tv shows online. And I like it. I like my alone time, which is weird, because I thrive on other people... idk. But I want a companion. And since a boyfriend isn't something that can just happen at the drop of a hat, I went in search of a pet.
I wanted a hedgehog originally, but the only place you can get them is from a breeder, and they're mofo expensive. Like $200. So uh.. no thanks. So then I hopped on craigslist and was looking for other low maintenance pets... and I ran across this bunny.
Now, if you know me, you know that I have always wanted a bunny. Like, always. And this one seemed PERFECT. It was rescued by this lady who recently lost her bunny she had for quite some time, and since this bunny reminds her of the one that died, she doesn't want to keep it. (From the emails this lady seems like a really sweet, loving pet owner.) Anyway, it is SO CUTE, it hops around the lady's house and doesn't chew on things, it COMES WHEN YOU CALL IT, and it has papilloma (in humans that's HPV (an STD) but obvs you can't get such a disease from a rabbit..) which doesn't require any extra care now, but if it gets worse it may in the future. ANYWAY I adore this bunny already and I really want it.
My only obstacle at this point is my lease. I need to find out what the pet fee is (or if there is one for a 'caged' animal even though it will only be caged like 35% of the time) and stuff like that. I am calling them tomorrow, fosho.

Please guys, if you think of it, pray that either I can get this bunny or that it can find the best home possible! It needs someone who will really care for it and is willing to deal with its potential health problems.

In other news, I've become re-addicted to The Gilmore Girls, and have decided to re-watch the entire series. I love that show because I LOVEE the Lorelai-Rory dynamic and Lauren Graham is just amazing. I have always wanted a Lorelai in my life. Its not that I want my mom to be like her, its I guess that I've always needed/wanted a big sister figure in my life. Someone older and wiser who would help me learn things without being a know it all about it, who I could trust with everything and who would eat junk food with me and watch movies with me all the time... Someone who I could call at 3am and they'd come right over with booze & chocolate & who would cuddle with me until I felt better. I've never had that, and to my own dismay I have looked for it in many of the wrong places. And much emotional trauma has resulted from this. ANYWAY, I love the Gilmores. LOVE them.
You know, I was watching this new talk show (called, appropriately, The Talk) over break and they were discussing their sister relationships. And I realized how much I would have loved having a big sister. I've never known what it feels like to be the young one who is looked out for.. I am always the older one who looks out for everyone else it seems. Anyway, that's my baggage..some of it that is. What's yours?

Oh, in other odd personal news, I've realized that I depend very little on my friends nowadays, and mostly just on myself. I hate asking people for help, so I just like.. get things taken care of on my own no matter what (even if I have to whine to my mom about it over the phone)... idk what that means for me. Its weird how I've kind of just.. let communication deplete with so many people. But I've gotten to the point where I just let go. I don't chase after people, so I will end up just kind of slipping away if I don't feel needed or wanted. I'm not close to very many people anymore. Its weird. I don't know what to think about it.

All the more reason to get a bunny.

This week is going to be very hectic and hellish and I will not get much of that alone time I've come to depend on so much.. guh.

i drink coffee like water and i still never know what to say;

I am in a mood. I am in a very moody mood, brought on by a plethora of random coincidences, such as work today was really hectic, and it will be the same way tomorrow; I am way behind on schoolwork and super worried about getting the classes I need for next semester. And everyone just seems to be SO DAMN HAPPY and I am just pissed and I feel like no one will understand what's really bothering me.

What's really bothering me is that I am having a self esteem crisis.
I honestly thought I was past this. I thought that after Stacy London taught me how to love myself, that I would be able to, and that it would last no matter what. But it is faltering now. I am back to like.. where I was when I was a child. I know who I am, but I hate what I see on the outside.
I feel fat and gross. I hate it. I hate trying on clothes and having to deal with it. I tried on dresses today and I didn't even want to look in the mirror.
I hate that you'll read this and want to help
I hate that my thoughts may break your heart
just stop reading this now.
I don't usually feel this way
in fact, I never feel this way.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

I wish Stacy London still accepted DMs on twitter..

its not meant to be like this;

1. Its weird. I feel like I don't really have many close friends anymore. Maybe its just because I'm so busy and I never get to see people... but I am just kind of floating through life right now with no one I can 100%, all the time rely on. I feel like I don't really have anyone to turn to. And I am more perplexed by that than distraught. Because just a couple months ago if you had asked me, I would have said that I have SO MANY best friends who I feel like I can always turn to... No I feel there are virtually none. I mean, you guys are going to read this and get all concerned. But please don't. I think its just me being busy and people getting closer to other people... out of sight out of mind perhaps. This is a weird feeling though. I have never felt like this before. Kind of like the only one (besides God of course and my parents) who is always going to be here for me, is me. Hm.

2. I went to a necklace sale at Charlotte Russe yesterday with Sarai and bought four sper cute necklaces. I luhh dem.

3. Lots of times I decide I am a fatass and I set dieting/working out goals for myself and stuff.. and then like two days later I decide that I really like to eat and I am confident in myself and don't need to be bothered with setting crazy expectations. And then I eat a sandwich.

4. The nights when I want nothing more than to go to bed early are ALWAYS the nights I have the most work to do.

5. I want to go to an Ashram in India.. and also I want to go to Italy and learn how to properly do nothing.. aka without having the internet in front of me all the time..and eat a LOT.

though scattered & divided, we are still its heart;

So I just found out that the class I skipped on Friday to sleep in DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN. Ohhhh how I win at life.

Also, I just want to say that I know who I am. I am happy with life. And I am extremely proud of the thought/reality that Stacy London knows who I am, and was happy to see me the other day. That means more to me than anyone probably realizes. Even though that probably sounds really vain.

And there is more I need to say, but this whole daylight savings thing is throwing me off and I feel like its bedtime now. lol

these streets will make you feel brand new;

I can't stop staring at the picture from yesterday of me & Stace. Is that weird and/or completely shallow?!

She's just so damn cool.
I love herrrrr.
Gah.

How about I move to NYC now and somehow become a personal stylist and Stacy and I can become bffs for REAL.

That would be nice.

no i mean it really shut up really;

What a glorious day it was today.
I skipped my 8am class, which was probably a dumb decision, but sleeping was really feeling good and I just could not bear to get up.
So I got up at like 9:40, showered, and then Sarai came over and we got ready (after she COVERED my room in outfit options) and we picked out a cute outfit for her and I stole one of her cute shirts (THAT ACTUALLY FITS ME REALLY WELL) and we were off to the Tanger Outlets!
All was well, until we got to about half a mile BEFORE the exit off 40, and then realized there was a line of cars sitting on the side of the highway to get off the exit. It was ridic. We sat there in traffing jamming to Pink & Taio Cruz and stuff and tweeted at Stacy a LOT and then after about 40 minutes of sitting there, we finally made it out of the line and off the highway... and then I had to park IN A DITCH and then we had to walk like 3 blocks to get to the mall.. gah. lol. SO we got there, and went to this tent where we assumed Stacy was, and YES SHE WAS THERE.. A boring middle aged man had to talk about the outlets and stuff and then there was some more talking and then Stacy got to talk and then they exploded some confetti & such.. and then Sarai and I had to lurk about while Stacy talked to some important people onstage... and of course we crept up to the front of the tent/room and then as Stacy walked off the stage I tapped her and she turned around and was like "Kelley! You're here! I'm so glad you came!" And I was like "Of course I came- I HAD to!!" and then I introduced her to Sarai and we chatted for a moment and Stacy said that I looked gorgeous... :DD (AND Stacy explained to Mr. Tanger himsef, "This is one of my twitter girls! Kel & I go way back."), and then Stacy had to go do an interview but she said to stay put. So we did, and then she returned to us and asked if we were going to come see her "later this afternoon" and I said YES OF COURSE I HOPE and we discussed where she was going to be and such, and then we peaced out and Stace had to go to this VIP lunch thing. So Sarai and I were totes starving so we decided to go find food. HOWEVER, on our way to finding food, we found the line to meet Stacy which was already really long (40 minutes before the meet & greet), so Sarai went off to buy giant pretzels and I saved the spot in line.
Sarai returned with FOUR giant pretzels- a pizza one, an original, a cinnamon sugar and a jalepeno- and we ate them immediately, at lightning speed.
We waited in the line, and finally we got up there to see Stacy. She was signing SUPER cute headshots for everyone and when we got to the front of the line Stacy was VERY confused by how to spell the name "Sarai with an I" ..but she eventually understood. ALSO she said that she had checked twitter and seen our tweets, which caused her to write "Sorry for the traffic" on Sarai's picture.. lol. I asked if we could get pictures and Stacy explained to whoever may have been listening that she & I were twitter friends, and then Sarai got a photo with her, .. OH, I should also add that as Stacy came around to the front of the table to take photos with us, she saw my cup and said "What are you drinking?" I replied, very casually, "Cherry Coke. You want some?" She said "Aw I don't like cherry coke" WHICH WAS SO SAD BECAUSE I WAS THAT CLOSE TO HAVING HER DRINK OUT OF MY EFFING STRAW Y'ALL. (For the record, I don't like cherry coke either, but it was the only thing they had that was remotely good)
Anyway, we only got to talk to Stacy for a little while, but it was an AMAZING experience, of course, and a wonderful day, and I would not have changed one bit of it.. except maybe gotten there earlier to avoid traffic. lol.
It was wonderful.
I love Stacy London.

for you, a thousand times over;

One thing you need to understand about me is that I am done chasing people who aren't interested. Done. Be it a friend or a potential more-than-friend, I am not running after you. If you show no interest in me at all, don't expect me to hold up the entire relationship with one hand. It can't be done, and I refuse to try. Its not fair.
Also, don't try to walk all over me. I am done with that too.. In fact, I have been done with that for a WHILE. It is not going to work.

One other thing you need to understand about me is that I have been incredibly (and CONSTANTLY) overwhelmed with my life all semester. I work 20 hours a week at my part time job, I am in classes, I have homework, I am doing a show, and I work once a week in the scene shop... I have zero free time. I haven't even been to the GROCERY store since THE BEGINNING OF AUGUST. Its a little bit ridiculous. Anyway, because of all this, I feel like I have sort of lost touch with all my lovely friends. And for that I am very sorry. I hate always having to turn down spending time with people because I always have somewhere else I have to be. It sucks. But I mean, don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful for my busy life- especially my job. I adore everyone I work with and I really don't mind being there.. I just hate being sleep deprived and stuff.

NEVERTHELESS, I would like to apologize to anyone I have inadvertently blown off over the past few months. I am very scattered. Its not you, its me.

Also uhmm best conversational exchange EVER at work today between me & little cute hobbit man I adore:
Him: Sorry about that.
Me: Oh, you're fine!
Him: Thank you!
Me: Why you're welcome!

...*_*

<33333333

OK.
Anyway.
I want to get some Sarah Dessen books and read them, and also John Green's 'An Abundance of Katherines' ... ANNNDDD I GET TO SEE STACY LONDON TOMORROW.

Also, contrary to what the majority of this blog would have you believe, I am happy. And I look for the beauty in each day, and I find it. :) I hope all of you are able to say the same.

if you'll excuse an expression I use;

I'm as corny as Kansas in August
high as the flag on the fourth of July.
*_*


"Here's to all the places we went. And all the places we'll go. And here's to me, whispering again and again: I love you." -John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways;

I am in a really good place right now, emotionally and geographically. I am in love with the world and really pleased over all with my life and the people in it. I am sitting on my bed at my parents house after having spend a wonderful 24 hours in Wilmington with Jamie... It was absolutely beautiful there. We went to a snazzy fondue place with some of her friends, and then today I went to the beach and explored downtown by myself while she was in class. I went to a few really cute boutiques that were really expensive.. but I kind of wanted to buy everything. It was some really cool, couture inspired stuff. And honestly, I guess it was cheap for what it was. If it had been in NYC it would have been way more expensive. Nevertheless, I saved my monies. For dinner we had some amazing Japanese food, and then I came home soon after.
My father made both a pumpkin pie and a belated birthday cake for me.
Annnd I am going shopping at some point and going to see Catherine at some point which has not happened in FAR too long, and I am off work for the first time on a weekend since I got hired. AND LIFE IS JUST GOOD.
To add icing to the cake, Stacy London is coming to Greensboro in November and I AM MOST DEF GOING TO SEE HER! And Kayla might come! And Ashley is also trying to convince her parents to allow her to join! (I'm glad I don't have to ask permission for such things.. lol.)
And I just love all my friends a lot.
Life is so happy.

But you know, it saddens me that not all of my lovely friends are as happy with the world as I have become. I feel like I am really mature, and have always been ahead of the maturing curve in a lot of ways, but like, it really saddens me to see someone I adore so upset about something that is clearly not even a problem.
It takes a lot for me to back off and not try to step in and be the hero in another person's battle. But I think I've learned to do it.
Because honestly, there comes a point when people just need one specific thing to get over their problem. One. For me, my problem with confidence was overcome with Stacy London. And a few years ago when I was terrified of getting my license, I had to just make the decision to get over that myself. Nothing anyone said or did was helping me.

Anyway, what I'm saying here is, I like to help, I really do. But there comes a point when I know as well as the other person that nothing I am going to say is going to help them.
There comes a point when you just have to let things happen as they will.
There comes a point when you just have to start believing in yourself.

Well, that probably made a lot less sense than I wanted it to, but oh well.

Here is a photo from the beach today!


:) Life is glorious.

Also, this is a random quote that I kind of like
"Now I know the things I know, I do the things I do, and if you do not like me so, then to hell, my love, with you."

Its an odd quote, but I like it.

I can't decide if I should watch another Mary Kate & Ashley movie, or just go to bed...

<3

my strongest suit;

Today my voice was still lost, so Jordi had to do a lot of speaking for me, but scene shop was not agonizing at all!
I got to cut wood like a boss, and go up on the grid and take things down and stuff, and then Jordi & I got to cut metal and be really bad-ass. It was cool.
And hey, Aida is starting as we speak.
Its going to be AWESOME.
I love watching theatre magic happen. :)

compare where you are to where you wanna be & you'll get nowhere;

Two posts in one day!
I guess having lost my voice, I am using this as a means by which to communicate with the world. lol.

Anyway!
Things I need to do:

1. Start eating better. I feel fat. And since I don't have time to exercise, I need to at least try my best to cut down on food consumption. Although honestly, I usually only eat 1-2 meals a day..almost never have snacks. I don't get it. But whatever. Eating better. I need to do it I guess.

2. Grow my hair out longer (let it happen more than add it to the to-do list. But I want it longer, and then I want to get some more layers in it.. and I want to make it be wavy more often.

3. Start writing more often.

4. Learn to play the guitar. It has been sitting in my room at my parents house for years. I want to bring it back over fall break and maybe actually use it sometimes.

5. Learn to step out of my comfort zone & take risks.

i have hope inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope;

It has been far too long since I've blogged.
Thus, a life update.

'As you Like it' has been over for one week now. It ate my life, as most of you know, but it was a really fun & fulfilling experience that allowed me to meet some awesome people, re-realize how passionate I am about theatre, and gave me some serious bonding time with Jordi. :) She is one of the best people I know, and definitely one of the best friends I have. Loveee her!

School is ridic. Luckily I don't have a ton of work outside of class, because if I did I'd be failing ALL my classes. But that presents a problem in itself because I find myself having no idea what's actually going on in any of my classes... Thus, when I do have to do homework and/or study, I find myself completely lost and it takes a lot longer than it should.

Work is going well! They want to make me a trainer at some point (soon I hope) which would involve a new name-tag and a tiny raise.. the self-satisfaction of it is the only thing that matters to me about it really. I am kind of competitive when it comes to things like that, so I am working my ass off to prove to the managers that I am a kick-ass employee. Which I think I am! lol. :)

In other work related news, I am very very attracted to one of the managers.. He looks like Elijah Wood, is probably only a couple years older than me, is absolutely delightful, loves the live music scene, is ALWAYS in a really good mood, is sweet/helpful/kind/not a douchebag about being in charge, smells really good.. is hilarious and fun. I just adore him.
Is this even like.. appropriate?? I don't know whether it would be or not. But he is absolutely precious and I would DEFINITELY date him if he showed interest.. just sayin.
Advice, y'all??

ALSO! The best news yet!
I WENT TO SEE EFFING SARA BAREILLES IN CONCERT ON FRIDAY. It was so incredible. I ADORE her.
Pre-show, Taylor and I went to get some yummy foods at The Loop, and then I had to return some movies at Blockbuster, and then we were off to Cat's Cradle.
We got there about an hour before the doors were supposed to open, and we stood there (sans jackets because together we ALWAYS forget jackets) until a bit after 7, when they finally opened the doors. We were both quite eager to get inside because not only was it cold, but we were both wearing heels. However, we get inside and LO AND BEHOLD- STANDING ROOM ONLY. So I had Taylor save us a spot while I went to the bathroom, and then we switched places. The crowd was MASSIVE. We were standing about 4 rows back, which was great, but my feet were KILLING me and I was SOOOO TIRED.. When Sara finally got onstage, I was thrilled, but then I was like oh yeah, she's going to introduce her opening act and then peace out. Although, to my delight, her opening act had an opening act, and that act was an adorable new singer/songwriter named Holly Conlan. Look out for her because I think she's going to be really big. She is super cute, super talented, and kind of a fusion of Sara, Regina Spektor, Ingrid Michaelson and Lenka. Fierce girl is going places. Anyway, she was great. I've already downloaded several of her songs and plan to download the rest soon.
ANYWAY, the actual opening act was Greg Laswell. He was uh.. fine... but not great. Not super entertaining. I was less than amused. And my feet were in even more pain by this point and I was even more sleepy and yeah.. it was not cute. (ALSO they let him play like a million songs and Holly only got to play like FOUR. WHAT.)
After that, the dudes had to reset the ENTIRE FREAKING STAGE for like half an hour (literally, maybe more) while we all STOOD THERE IN PAIN AGONY AND EXHAUSTION waiting for Sara to perform. I was pissed and SO over it. lol. I realize I was being immature and stupid and should have just sucked it up, but I honestly thought I was going to pass out. It was a bad time.
HOWEVER, when Sara FINALLY graced the stage, life became good again. I decided to take my shoes off, which was a definite risk of tetanus, but it was worth it. I felt alive again once my feet touched the ground, flat. (Men have no idea the agony women go through to look good, for real.) Anyway, I was VERY impressed with the awesomeness of the concert. Lighting effects were SUPER COOL. I had no idea Cat's Cradle had such good tech abilites! And Sara is an INCREDIBLE performer. She makes the audience feel really involved and keeps the energy way up the whole time. SO entertaining. Just a wonderful time, over all. Oh, and the woman is hilarious. And she curses like a sailor, which I kind of adore. I like it when people curse in a funny/classy way. Because not many of us can pull it off. lol. Anyway, THE SHOW WAS SO SO GOOD. I took about a million photos.
Afterwards, Taylor and I stood outside for a really long time in the really cold weather still without jackets to wait to meet Sara... We met Holly, who was super sweet & humble... very quiet & demure. We both took photos with her. She is quite stylish too! The Stacy London in me was proud. Anyway, we were outside for a like a year. And then it became like 12:15am and Taylor decided to give up and wait for me in the car. Upon her departure, I made friends with a delightful Asian couple and almost got hit by the sketchy white van in which some of Sara's band's equipment travels. If I had gotten hit, it would have been a much better story.
APPROXIMATELY A HUNDRED HOURS LATER, SARA CAME OUTSIDE. I had decided by this point that due to my lack of anything for her to sign, I was going to ask her to sign my bra. I realize this was a risky thing to ask, and my plan was to give her no pressure to say yes, SO anyway.. The Asians got pics/autographs before me, so I took the pictures for them. AND then it was my turn. I was like "So, I don't have anything for you to sign..." Sara interrupted and said, "That's ok because you've got a SUPER cute bow!" (referring to my giant purple flower) I thanked her and then the Asian yelled something at me, and I was like, "..so uh, I was wondering, would you sign my bra?! You don't have to say yes. Its fine." She said, "How about the strap of it? Does it HAVE a strap?!" (I liked the way she emphasized that second question.) I said "Yeah it does but its very thin!" She said something like, "its ok its going to be so cute!" as I dug out my bra strap and she signed it (The Asian girl yelled GO KELLEY) and Sara threatened to track us down if any footage of this moment ended up on youtube. I assured her that no such thing would happen, and she smiled (very sincerely actually) and then we took our photo together, and I thanked her and told her she was amazing or something like that, and I was off.
It was SUCH a wonderful experience.

I love meeting people I admire.
And I am seeing more and more my weird need to have some unique/absurd story after meeting such a person... (Brendan James signed my pants and practically molested me in the process, Stacy London gave me a beer in front of 500 people, and Sara signed my bra...) I like to make an impression I guess.

I am a strange bird.
But I like it that way.

Uhmm also thanks to that lovely concert experience, I have lost my voice. COMPLETELY. I had coffee with honey and hot tea with honey at work today, and cough drops, and tomato soup... nothing is helping and I am getting quite bothered by being a mute! lol

Fall break is soon, also. I am pretty stoked about that. I am in desperate need of a vacation.

it can only change shape;

"I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is indestructible."
-John Steinbeck

piling up tomorrows;

LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE.

Name: Kelley

Birth Date: October 7th which is SOON GAH I'M SO OLD.

Current Location: backstage

Hair Color: brown

Righty/Lefty: lefty like Oprah

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.

Your fear: failure, hair removal creams, ticks, crime, car problems, etc

Your dream of the perfect date: (Let's make the setting NYC) ..something cute/fun like eating Chinese take-out in the park and then maybe going to see a bad play we could talk through or going to like.. the wax museum. somewhere silly. and then we would leave and be walking down the street when it would start to rain and then we would have to run down into the subway and we would ride back to one of our apartments and make some coffee and sit on the balcony and drink it and talk about something interesting. I just made that all up.

Goals you’d like to achieve: there are a lot. the biggest priorities at this point being go to Paris, finish senior year successfully, become a grown-up successfully, and be a person who has COME ALIVE. (aka live happily and fully)

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.

Your thoughts first waking up: GAHHHH NOOO

Your best physical feature: uhm I have no idea.

Your bed time: I love staying up late and sleeping late but I NEVER get to anymore because I always have to wake up early.. so I go to bed at like 11:30 or 12.

Your most missed memory: CFRT in general

LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.

Pepsi or Coke: DR PEPPER

McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonalds.. love their coffee

Single or Group Dates: single

Adidas or Nike: neither

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate

Cappuccino or Coffee: I'll take either!

LAYER 5: DO YOU.

Smoke: noooooo

Cuss: occasionally, but only in the company of myself or my mother

Take showers: duh

Have a crush: haha yeah sure. Rider Strong, come away with me.

Like(d) school: ish

Believe in yourself: in some ways.

Believe what goes around comes around: ... it depends I guess..?

Believe everything happens for a reason: i suppose

Think you’re a health freak: nah

LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTHs.

Gone to the mall: Yes.

Been on stage: does backstage count? I do that every day!

Eaten sushi: yes!

Been hurt: ohhhyes

Dyed your hair: no

LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.

Played a stripping game: No.

Kissed the same sex: No.

Changed who you were to fit in: I don't think so

LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.

Age you’re hoping to be married by: maybe never

Number of kids you’re planning on having: I MIGHT adopt wayyyyyyy in the future but I don't want kids naturally

LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.

Best eye color: Whichever.

Best hair color: Whichever.

Short or long hair: not too long

Fat or fit: normal I guess?

Looks or personality: both are nice

Fun or serious: balance

LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.

1 MINUTE AGO: this

1 HOUR AGO: a quick change with my...cub.

1 WEEK AGO: this show

1 YEAR AGO: rehearsing for Rent

LAYER 11: FINISH THIS SENTENCE

I FEEL: sleepy.

I HATE: hate

I HIDE: (..I can't think of anything)

I NEED: money

I LOVE: love

if you miss the boat, you ain't sailin;

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” -Maya Angelou

Love this quote.
I need to start living by it more often.

unusual & tragic & alive;

I think I am sort of having a midway-to-mid-life crisis.
Maybe.

I am lime jello and I am STUCK there.
And if people were rain, I'd be drizzle & you'd be a hurricane.
And back up the train because you went too fast and made me leave myself behind.

I think I have given away too much of myself to too many people. But I don't really know if I know for sure what that means or how to fix it.

I need to remember how to be who I want to be and stop giving a shit about what other people think I should do. I guess. I don't even know.

I just kind of want to retire from everything.

all dressed up & no place to go;

I am really frustrated with myself.
I act like I am so confident and so fine without a man in my life
but the truth, suddenly, I'm not.
I'm sick of being single and I'm sick of being that one girl who is NEVER in a relationship, the girl who clearly is not attractive enough or clever enough or socially adroit enough to have such an honor bestowed upon her.

I don't know the first thing about all of it.
I mean, I know how to be IN a relationship,
I think I'd be good at it,
I just don't know how to get there.

I just don't feel good enough.

Cinderella was still just a servant girl at the end of the night
even though she put on her black ankle boots
and her big black flower fascinator
and her black & green dress with the gold shimmers.

Sometimes, I just think that no matter what I do
there are still a lot of places I just won't fit.

Because unlike Cinderella, I won't stand out despite my lack of importance,
and the prince will pass me by.

..one of the crowd.

lying in the gutter, staring at the stars;

I am a hot mess lately. Of epic proportions.
But that's alright.

I always almost miss the bus and I never get enough sleep and my stuff is always strewn about my apartment or backstage or whatever classroom I happen to be in and I take naps and forget what day it is and sometimes I just can't stop laughing.

I never have time for anything.

But its alright.

Because my nails are painted yellow and the word LOVE is written across my knuckles and I am experiencing the magic of theatre and okay with where I am and feeling very free to be who I am around the people I am around.

I have a lot to say though.
A lot of thoughts I'm holding back because I really don't know what I want for my future... doing this show though, has made me realize yet again how much I adore theatre and theatre people, and how I need to make that a way of life somehow.
Its just beautiful.

See look, I don't even have time to write this. I have to get ready and go pick up Rachel and go to the show. :)
Later.
More later.

3.14159...

"Let's make love like pi
irrational
& never ending."

I lied when I told you I forgot;

Its a miracle that we're still standing.

And I think that sometimes,
with everything that's happening
If I really let it sink in,
if I slowed down enough and let that happen,
I might just collapse.


I really try to focus on the things that matter,
but sometimes those things are too real or too scary to deal with.

I just sit here and escape from it all and watch effing Boy Meets World.
I don't even know what to think.

-------------------------------------------

Anyway, if you want to know what this is REALLY about, I am already as stressed as a mofo. And now my dad is in the hospital and they're trying to figure out whether or not to go ahead and do the surgery to replace his aortic valve on Monday. They're looking at his lung functioning and his kidneys and I don't even know what else but that's whats happening.
Thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

one two three four, tell me that you love me more;

1. I talk to myself a LOT when I am home alone for lots of hours. And most of the time, I talk to myself in silly voices. I don't even know.

2. My goal this afternoon was to take a nap for about 2 hours.. 4:50-6:30. Then I was going to be GOOD and get up and make myself some chicken and a salad for dinner. Because I have gotten really inconsistent about cooking lately.. It just seems to take SO LONG and I am really bad at estimating portion size when its just me and it just seems like tis more trouble than its worth for just one person. Anyway, despite that, I was going to do it tonight. SO I SET AN ALARM ON MY PHONE AND EVERYTHING for 6:30pm. (You see, I was napping because I got very little sleep last night because Caroline's birthday shindig was happening. I escaped from it early (at like 11:30) so I could get sleep, and then didn't really end up getting sleep because of the loudness. BUT IT WAS FINE. She TOTES deserved to have her happy Birthday times :D).. Anyway, my alarm went off and I groggily turned it off and then apparently very quickly fell back asleep, and THEN TWO HOURS LATER, I JOLTED awake and freaked out because I had absolutely no idea what time it was or whatever, and then looked at my phone and it was 8:30pm. I was appalled. So then I ended up having chips & dip for dinner, with a side of leftover gummy bears that were soaked in vodka and then frozen (the work of Taylor, the idea of Caroline).. BUT DON'T JUDGE ME. I am of age and I only ate like.. 5. And they were gummy bears. So 5 is not a lot at all. ... And then I watched like 7 episodes of Boy Meets World. And I have to sleep again soon actually because I have to work at mofo o'clock tomorrow.

3. Annnd life is really really confusing. And the more I try to sort it out in my head the more complicated it feels. I don't want to disappoint anyone. I don't want to feel like a sell out. I don't want to betray anyone's confidences. But I just don't know.

4. Oh and my dad goes back to the hospital early this week (Tuesday I think) to get a cathidorization and to get his aortic valve looked at and to look at the bypass surgery he had done and see whether or not its still holding up.. Depending on what they see, they may decide to keep him there. Thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated.

5. And! Another thing. So, most of you who read this probably already know about my class this semester that requires me to work on a show and spend all my waking hours in the drama building. Well. I found out today that I got the show I want (As You Like It) which starts tech on the 17th I think, AND I am going to be wardrobe crew!! Which means dealing with awesome Shakespearian clothing. Yay. AND my buddy Jordi will be doing it with me, as well as Rachel. Its just the 3 of us on wardrobe. It will be a lot of fun I'm sure, but mostly because I will be in good company. :D

6. I have decided that I really want some boots. And some skinny jeans to wear with said boots. I am itching to go shopping. So, if you want to come. Tell me within the next 14 or so hours, as I would like to go tomorrow or Monday. ;)

the little things you do together;

Last night I played corn-hole in our tiny back yard with Taylor, Caroline, Mark and Adrian, and then me & Taylor sat in a giant box and pretended it was a boat.
Life is good.

the perfection of nothing;

Okay, so I guess I should clarify some things.

A) Life is not as crappy as I made it out to be in my previous post. Love actually IS all around.
B) God has a plan. And my main issue right now is that I don't know what His plan for me is... because
C) I need some things/people to get real with me. Decide where you want me in your life and who you want to be to me and if you want me there or not and then we can work it out. But don't toss me aside the moment something better comes along.
But in all seriousness.
It is okay.
I am okay.
Perhapsless for a while, but okay.
Taking things one at a time.
Floating along on the river of life for a while. Trying not to worry too much.
I love you all for your concern. But I promise I am okay!!

If you need to be convinced otherwise, the most wonderful thing you can do is get in my life. I am always happy to have a dinner/coffee/shopping/cuddle buddy. ;)

the responsibility to not remain silent;

I'm kind of frustrated.

I feel like the place I am in right now, emotionally/mentally, is exactly where I told myself I wasn't going to be at this point in time. Like, I thought it was possible, but I convinced myself it wouldn't be this way. I thought I was stronger.

This time last year, I was living in a dorm where everyone was already bffs with everyone else. I felt completely alone, completely overwhelmed, completely terrified. But at the same time, I was really confident. I knew who I was and I had my own things to do, so I wasn't about to worry about what anyone there thought of me.

But as time went on, not only did I retain my confidence and grow a lot as a person, but I also made some of the best friends I will ever have in that dorm. It was perfect. We were perfect. It was cloud 9 there for a while.

Then something happened.
I don't know what it was or where it started.
But it was like a little fly was buzzing around my head. And I tried to swat it away, but no matter what I did, it would never go away. And it spawned some baby flies that grew bigger than the mother fly could ever have grown. And these flies were infectious. And they buzzed around the ears of the people around me, driving them crazy and making them angry and annoyed and sad and overwhelmed. And the flies grew and grew until they were able to move things and rearrange lives.
And they rearranged my life to the point where I lost my confidence. I did not know who I was anymore; I had lost myself somewhere along the way. The flies had bitten me and each of them had taken a piece of me with them.
Together, somehow, the flies silenced me.
They made me powerless without me even realizing it.

I thought I was okay.
My feigned happiness fooled even myself.

I looked in the mirror and suddenly I was no one.

I was gone.

I left everyone else to fight against the army of flies and I didn't even realize it was happening.

And now, I think they are all gone.
There might be one or two left buzzing about, trying to stir up trouble.
But for the most part the war is over.

And I have been left to sort through the debris and try to find out who I was and where I got lost and try to put myself back together again. Alone.

My confidence is coming back.
But there is still a lot of work that needs to be done.

To anyone who has been emotionally injured in the wake of this infestation of sorts, I take full responsibility and I apologize.

To anyone who is just confused by this post, no need to be so. Disregard it.

The road map is not making much sense anymore, and even looking back I am not sure I know which path I took to get here.
And there are houses on either side of the path, all the way down, with windows with bright yellow light that helps illuminate my way. I want to knock on a door and find rest in someone's living room. But I am too afraid to knock. Because sometimes, when I finally get up the courage to step up to the door and do so, the door opens and I get laughed at or pushed away.

I still don't know what the flies were.

am I too wholesome, am I too loathesome, guess I'm a little bit shy;

This is the way my mind works.

I get really excited about people I like a lot being online
but they never are
and then all of a sudden finally they are
and then I get too scared to talk to them
because I'm afraid nothing I have to say is interesting enough for them
and I don't want to bother them, because they are surely doing something really fun or interesting over there on the other side of the internet, which I would not want to interrupt.

But then
I am proven wrong.
Because even though
If people were rain
I'd be drizzle and you'd be a hurricane
you still love me
my bff. :)

i'm never as good as when you're here;

I feel the need to write a blog post about the fact that my bff/person I am going to live with presumably for my entire life starting in June(ish) has left to study abroad in Paris for the ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR.

I went to her house last night (since I couldn't come say goodbye at the airport because of work) to give us some final time to just hang out and be in the same room.

Erin was really flustered, but we watched a silent DVD of a musical revue she was in in high school and ate pizza and her mother sang 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon' while we held hands, stared at the ceiling and walked around in circles. It was kind of amazing.

I decided at about 8:30 that I needed to leave "soon," but then basically didn't end up leaving till.. ohhh, about 2 hours later. Maybe a bit more.

I hate goodbyes, but I am the type of person who, if a goodbye is going to happen, I want it to be a GOOD ONE DANGIT.
And this one was pretty epic, in a horrifically devastating way.

We sang Total Eclipse of the Heart and Tatoue Moi and Vivir en Crever at each other and after clutching each other for a long time started resigning ourselves to take one step at a time away from each other...

At the end, I was standing right by my car door and she was standing by her garage, and then I was like "How about I just leave really quickly like a bandaid?"
Erin replied, "I think we missed out on the bandaid approach..."

So then I was like, "Ok well what if I run over there and give you ONE MORE HUG and then run back and leave immediately??!"
Erin was skeptical that this plan would work, but I had confidence in it.
So, she set an ALARM on her phone for one minute later (yes, this is how in love we are) and I ran over there and we hugged some more and Erin was like "Are you SURE you can't come with me to France?"
I sighed. "That would mess up all the stuff in my life... except for the important parts."

At that moment it became shockingly clear to me that everything important in life can be found in friendship and love and happiness and togetherness. Everything else is just what we do so that we can maintain things we WANT.. material things.
So, I feel like, in order to balance out the mundane, we have to have the love and the friendship and the togetherness. That is what puts the magic in gridlock and loneliness. Best friends. The best of best friends- so much that we can basically just gaze at each other and know what the other person is thinking, and how great it would be if we could just STAY like that forever. Together.
(And someday we will.)

Anyway, the alarm went off and we both let out disappointed exclamatory remarks, and I left.

I cried like a MOFO on the way home. And nothing on the radio was satisfying my need to EMOTE. So I just turned the crap off and cried in silence and talked to myself like an insane person. And then eventually I turned the radio back on and sang some sad songs with it and kept crying...

And right now, Erin is on her way to France.

I think... No, I KNOW we will be okay. We have an unbreakable bond. We are going to live together forever when she gets back and its going to be GREAT. This year, though I will miss her like its my job, will be a good year. She is going to explore and grow and have a spectacular time abroad, and I am going to learn and grow and become more independent here.

It will be good. We will be fantastic independently, and then, when she gets back, we will be fantastic together.

I am incredibly proud of Erin. She is an impeccably beautiful person. :)

I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night;

I believe that sometimes, we need to go through crappy situations. Sometimes going through things that make us suffer and struggle and scream and cry can make us appreciate the good times more.
It helps us put things into perspective.
Only in the deepest darkness do the stars shine bright.
We just have to remember in the darkness to look up at the stars.
To find the way out of our problems by looking towards the countless glimmers of light that surround us.

I don't want to be a paper girl in a paper town.
I want to be real, sincere, authentic, genuine...

I want to be someone who focuses on and talks about things that MATTER.

And there is nothing like going through a crappy situation that will help you realize the things that really do matter; the things you have to be incredibly grateful for; and the things that you need to equip yourself to back away from.

Its not easy, but that's life.

The labyrinth blows, but I chose it.

And no matter what we think,
there is magic.
Even here.

“There is magic even here; in gridlock, in loneliness, in too much work, in late nights gone too long, in shopping trolleys with broken wheels, in boredom, in tax returns, the same magic that made a man write about a princess that slept until she was kissed, long golden hair draped over a balcony and fingers pricked with needles. There is magic even here; in potholes along back-country roads, in not having the right change (you pat your pockets), arriving late and missing the last train home, the same magic that caused a woman in France to think God spoke to her, that made another sit down at the front of a bus and refuse to move, that lead a man to think that maybe the world wasn’t flat and the moon could be walked upon by human feet. There is magic. Even here.” –IWTFY

the first of the lasts;

So classes start tomorrow.
And I have just realized that I have done no preparation whatsoever for this nonsense. I don't even know what time I have to get on the bus to go to campus. I haven't looked at the stupid syllabus I'm supposed to print out.
Nor have I showered.
That is something I definitely need to do.

Senior year... my my. It feels good. I think I'm ready. I am looking forward to making more memories, and honestly, am thankful that it is going to pass so quickly. (It always does.)

I am producing Once on this Island and Hair this semester.. and other than that, I am cutting out extracurriculars. That will take up enough time as it is, plus the fact that I am going to hopefully work 20 hours a week will probably keep me QUITE busy enough thank you!

Life is weird.
That's all. :)

i made that bargain long ago;

I want to become a better person.
Sometimes I just feel like I do really stupid immature things that I know are stupid and immature, and then I feel like a complete mofo because I knew all along what the better choice was to make.
But then other times I find myself in situations where I have no idea what to do or how to respond.
And then I feel equally as mofo-ish because I think that as much as I proclaim the fact that love is my motto and I claim that I am an understanding person who loves to give advice, I feel like I SHOULD KNOW what to do in these situations.

I feel like I have been working really hard all my life to emotionally/spiritually grow up. And I just get really frustrated when I find myself reverting to childlike behavior in those areas.

So, yeah. That's really all I have to say at the moment.
If you see me acting a fool, please whip me into shape (in a respectful way).
I will appreciate it.

My goal is to be happy, drama free, ridiculously mature, socially wise, and 100% unconditionally loving.
I want to know when to say things to other people and when not to, and when to get involved and when not to.
I don't want to be a stupid mofo.

That's all!
I love everyone.
<3

my missing puzzle piece;

"You & I will be young forever
you make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream...
Let's run away and don't ever look back...
I found you, my missing puzzle piece,
I'm complete.."
-Katy Perry, Teenage Dream.

I can't stop listening to it.

we might not have any money, but we've got our love to pay the bills;

So, I am successfully moved out of my lovely summer home and into the apartment I will be in for the school year. :)

My new room is pretty small, but SUPER CUTE. I have spruced it up and put all my wonderful things on the walls and so it feels pretty homey even though we have NOTHING in our living room yet and Taylor hasn't even moved in yet.. Oh, and I don't have a bed yet.
Luckily, it is coming tomorrow.

Oh, and our internet isn't installed yet. A fact that never ceases to frustrate me. I just feel so disconnected from the world when I don't have internet!! Its bizarre. But the man is coming to fix that on Tuesday afternoon, hallelujah.

Needless to say, I have been watching a LOT of Facts of Life DVDs. :P

AND I am super pumped because CAROWINDS is Monday. :DDD

And, work is going pretty great. I did the closing duties for dining room allll by myself last night (with a bit of answered questions by my trainer) and I did it all right!! Yay me. AND my trainer, who is a lovely little man who talks really fast, made me take all the orders from customers that came in last night and my fear of cash registers is being overcome!! :D I am getting a lot better at it, and the way he trains me is SUPER helpful because he just lets me do stuff and then critiques as I go along. There are still a lot of things I don't know how to do (like order modification type stuff) and I need to get to know the menu a lot better so I can answer question from customers and increase my speed, but I am certainly getting the hang of it!! And I am also starting to get to know the people at work and that makes life a lot happier. :)

Today has been slightly amazing and hilarious.

I woke up at like 11:30 to a zillion text messages and a phone call from the maintenance man, who wanted to let me know when he is coming to install our washer and dryer. And then I was about to take a shower (my first shower in the new place) when I realized that I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE THE SHOWER BE A SHOWER AND NOT A BATH. It was so bothersome. I was just walking around the house with no pants on all disgruntled. But I texted Caroline about it and she was able to help me out. :) HOWEVER! I then realized that I HAD NO SHOWER CURTAIN. BAH. So, I was just like SCREW IT and I showered without one.
Then, I got dressed and ready and went to Caribou for like 3 hours and spent some time with the internet and coffee, which is NEVER a bad combination. AND OMG while I was there this guy who looks JUST LIKE the guy who plays Carlos on Desperate Housewives came in and SAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME and my heart was all a-flutter. It was delightful. And he was on his phone for a while SPEAKING SPANISH GAHHHHHHH. Good times indeed.

Then, I went to Lowes to get some screws to put this giant shelf thing together that my dad made for me freshman year. (We have to take it apart to transport it because its so big, but I lost the mofo screws this time.. buh.) And anyway, that worked out and then I went to Walmart to get groceries and a shower curtain but then I got really pissed off upon getting there because that Walmart is SO disorganized I could not even handle it.
SO then I went across town to Target. Got everything I needed, spent way too much money.
Then I went home and put away the groceries and put up the shower curtain and then Caroline got home and we chatted for a bit, and I got out the power drill and began putting together my giant shelf. Caroline heard the noise, came in my room, and her jaw dropped at the sight of me (wearing this giant purple flower on my head) holding a power drill and putting together a giant shelf. Her only words were, "GET IT!"

Then she peaced out and I finished organizing my room, ate some leftover Wendys fries and went BACK to Caribou.. because I just really like the internet.

Life is happy.
I love everyone.

"Hold our cell phones up in the air
& just be glad that we made it here alive;
on a spinning ball in the middle of space,
I love you from your toes to your face."

<3

spin like a record;

*discussion happens about Erin's potential wedding to a boy*
Me: Can I live in your attic?
Erin: You can live in my HOUSE. I've already married you. [Boy] is going to be my second wife.

<3

public service announcement.

I guess I should explain, post-emo mood, how I operate and whatnot, because I think I owe it to some amazing people who were magically able to deal with me throughout it.

First of all, if I am feeling emo, I normally do not just offer up why I am feeling emo unless asked. That is because I am afraid of boring people (and, ok, so, as an ENFJ I used to always listen to other people's problems and then basically carry burdens for them and feel like it was my responsibility to fix the problem, so when anyone confided in me I would get REALLY over-emotionally-involved in their problems and then I would be emo about things that weren't even my things to be emo about. SO THUS I hesitate to share my problems with people because I don't want them to feel the way I used to)... BUT, if someone does say 'HEY WHAT'S WRONG?!' THEN I will probably at least try to explain what's going on, or perhaps I will just express that I am in a bad mood and I don't want to talk about it. In either case, it means a lot to me when people ask me what's wrong and show they care rather than just wondering it or pretending nothing is wrong.
However, as I am a stupid mofo a lot of the time, sometimes I just need to be left in a bad mood for a while before I can escape from it.

ANYWAY, what I am trying to get at here are the reasons behind why I go emo at times. Basically, to give you the back story (which I respect anyone who has the patience to read), I have had several friends in my life who I have been REALLY close to and told everything to who have basically just disappeared from my life with no explanation, thus temporarily ruining my ability to trust people... so NOW no matter who you are, if you are my friend, I will at at least one point in our friendship, be terrified that you will abandon me. Its just how I operate now, unfortunately.

So at the slightest things I can immediately start feeling left out or ignored, or like I might soon be abandoned.. because it HAS happened before. SO ANYWAY, when whatever happens that triggers these feelings, I immediately go into this mode where I put walls up around myself so that nothing affects me and I don't let anyone in. And then I just keep imagining all these scenarios that I believe are true where I am being hatefully scorned by people I dearly love and it hurts like hell, and the reason it hurts so much (even if it is not true at all, which in the most recent case it clearly was irrational on my part) is because it has happened to me before, and
now thanks to those instances it feels like my greatest fear (losing people I love) is being realized.

Basically, what I am trying to say here is- sometimes I get really irrational, paranoid feelings about my friends because I am a ridiculous mofo, and your choice is to either let me get over it, ask me about it, or distract me with wonderful things like my 2 favorite doctors- DR PEPPER AND DOCTOR WHO- and thereby cheer me up.

On that note, I would like to extend a MAJOR thank you to Sarai and Erin Ruth Maness, who are ridiculously awesome and were able to distract me and thereby cheer me up with JUST THOSE THINGS!! :D

I owe them big for putting up with me in my stupid state.

As a matter of fact, I would say that I owe them participation in an activity I discovered when I googled "things to do when you're bored", which is to write out 20 things you love about a friend and then share it with them. :D
I SHALL BEGIN THAT NOW.

And, as a general motto, I tell my friends that if I cannot deal with them at their worst then I do not deserve them at their best, so I welcome any emo rants from them that may need to happen in the future.

(PS SARAI WITH AN I YOU ARE GORGEOUS SO GET OVER IT AND ENJOY YOUR BEAUTY. PEOPLE ENVY YOUR BODY TYPE AND HAIR COLOR AND EYE COLOR AND FACE. NEVER DENY YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW AND LOVE YOUR OWN TRUE BEAUTY.)

*contented sigh*

To close,
I love everyone.
And I apologize for not always showing it.

i was just wondering if you had a second. to talk about anything at all.

I miss everyone.

I feel so isolated, and I have so much I need to vent about
but no one to talk to..
I just wish people would start at least acting like they care
because I am so over this.
I have no support system.
This sucks.

And I don't care if you think this is emo.

Walk away;
it won't be the first time.

I would drown if I knew that meant you'd soar;

"I am nervous. I'm afraid. But I will stand here in the white hot heat of you. I will play Russian roulette with your playlists. I will tell jokes I'm not sure you'll find funny. I will hold on until there is no more reason to. And in the end, I will break the stars and resurrect the sun."

we will not grow old;

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself


This is a photo from Sarai's birthday party.. in the midst of our flour/water balloon fight. :)

1. I hate surprises because I hate being the center of attention. Thus, I have never been enthusiastic about celebrating my birthday.
2. I watched the movie 'Whip It' about a week ago, and have since really bought into the catch phrase "Be your own hero." I am more determined than ever to create the best possible life for myself. And I intend for it to work out fabulously.
3. I like Buzz Lightyear a lot because he conveys a message of radical hope. And he believes in himself, that he is stronger and bigger than he actually is, and because of this, he is able to achieve great things in the end.
4. My grandma always used to pat me under my chin on my neck and because of that I hate it when people touch my neck now.
5. I am on the internet way too often, so I guess I'm basically addicted.
6. I have a major phobia of getting pink eye, so if you have it, I will NOT be going within 30 feet of you. This all started because I had a cat with pink eye once.
7. As much as I love David Tennant, there is nothing I wouldn't give for a night of passion with 90s John Stamos. He is WELL sexy. And Mr. Tennant belongs to Erin anyway. :P
8. When I look back on my high school life, it all seems really surreal, and I can't believe I did all the things I did then.
9. It is very obvious to me that God has guided my life's choices... He has led me exactly where I need to be, and it blesses me that I can see that. :)
10. My dream role in a musical is Clara in 'The Light in the Piazza' but I am basically TOTALLY NOT talented enough for it.
11. I get to know people really quickly, almost as quickly as I memorize song lyrics. :)
12. I absolutely despise going to the doctor or the dentist.
13. It gives me great fulfillment when my friends who are completely different and would never otherwise have met can meet; I feel like it makes them understand me better. Is that weird?
14. I don't want to get married.
15. I consider myself basically the most boring person ever so I doubt any of these facts were interesting.

Day 02 - The meaning behind your LiveJournal name

My my, how did you know I have a livejournal?! Well, lemme tell ya. I created that account in like 8th grade when I was first obsessed with Bernadette Peters and the musical Gypsy, that she was in at the time. My lj name, 'whenisitmyturn' comes from the lyrics to the song "Rose's Turn".. she sings, "Well someone tell me when is it my turn? Don't I get a dream for myself? Starting now its gonna be my turn, gang way world get off'a my runway..." etc. It doesn't really apply to my life at all.. but it is a great song and a great musical. So yay. Also, at the time, Jamie was very active on lj and made me a moving Bernadette Peters icon that went swimmingly with my username. It was quite the cool thing at the time. :P

Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends

FRIENDS?!


I had to use two because I can't pick just one. My friends are incredible.

Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Picking at my cuticles. Being awkward.. (is that a habit?). Procrastinating. Being annoying.. (again, is that a habit?).

Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

I've been to NYC. That is a place.


Day 06 - Favorite superhero and why

I have never really been that enthused about super heroes. I am however, a huge fan of time lords, and therefore will say that the DOCTOR is basically a super hero and definitely the best one. :)

Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

There are SO many different things I could use for this.. but in this case I am choosing this photo:

..to represent the whole theatre experience I had in middle school & high school, and how it has shaped me into the person you know me as today. When I was a little kid, I was an extremely shy tomboy who loved to play imaginary games outside with the neighborhood kids.. but I was very romantically minded and was always waiting for something epic to happen. Doing theatre, through the shows I participated in and the people I met, I learned about love and how POINTLESS it is to judge others.. I developed independence and a strong work ethic. I made amazing friends who made me happy and brought me the beautiful tragedies that life is all about. And I became myself.

Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why

Hm.. Let's see. In the next 30 days I will finish media law and hopefully do okay in it.. I need to sign up for bartending school, and I will start work soon at my part-time job and move out of this house and into my apartment and get ready for the mofo semester to start and ... lots of things. For obvious reasons. lol

Day 09 - Something you’re proud of in the past few days

uh.. I don't know. Nothing in particular.

Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, and mad

I have playlists that I go to for different moods. When I study I listen to Pandora. When I am hyped I usually go to my playlists entitled "Partayyy!" and "Allons-y!" (which have dance type music and popular songs).. when I am mad or sad I usually listen to my girly playlist (with stuff like Sara Bareilles, Kate Voegele, David Archuleta, Adele, Brendan James, Ingrid Michaelson).. when I am just normal happy I listen to my Erin-ish playlist (which contains Mozart l'Opera Rock and Take That and The Ark and other delightful things) or my Allons-y playlist or the one I originally made for car ride purposes called 'Rollin' (with stuff like Imogen Heap).

Day 11 - Another picture of you and your friends


I like this photo a lot. :)

Day 12 - How you found out about LiveJournal and why you made one

It was middle school. Everyone was doing it. lol. Jamie got me into it.

Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

I don't feel like doing this. I'm not harboring any pain at the moment. lol

Day 14 - A picture of you and your family


From last summer when I went to Emerald Isle with my parents. :)

Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

1. Silly Boy- Rihanna ft. Lady Gaga
2. He Shall Feed His Flock..- Handel's Messiah
3. Fall into me- Emerson Drive
4. Stranger to the Rain- Children of Eden the musical
5. Yellow- Coldplay
6. Strong enough- Cher
7. Chai Tea Latte- Angel Taylor
8. Dancing Through Life- Wicked the musical
9. I'm Alive- Next to Normal the musical
10. Brave Enough for Love- Jane Eyre the musical

Day 16 - Another picture of yourself


This thing wants me to post a lot of photos. SO GET A LOAD OF THIS RIDIC ONE! :P

Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Bernadette Peters. To see what it feels like to be on Broadway.

Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have

Move to NYC with Erin, get our cats and fulfill all the insane things we've talked about. Be happy. Love.

Day 19 - Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Kellephant Anderbear- Yeah... coined by Katherine I believe, and now she and Erin and Sarai call me this.
Kellery- Erin Miller calls me this.
Kellephant- Erin Miller started calling me this long before the Joynerites began doing so.
Kellster- What Nicki and Linda call me, and now my screen name on many sites.
Kel- What my mother calls me.
Kewwey- What Sarai calls me.

Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Erin and I are going to have a common law/platonic marriage. And we are going to be happy as clams.

Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy


These people make me happy. :)

Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else

I am extremely genuine and sincere, and and I believe that everyone is good until proven otherwise. But occasionally that comes back to bite me in the ass, if you will.

Day 23 - Something you crave a lot

Lately, quesadillas. And frappuccino. AND COOKIES & DR PEPPER.

Day 24 - A letter to your parents

Dear parents,
Take care of each other. And try not to worry too much about me.
Love, Kelley

Day 25 - What I would find in your bag

phone, wallet, pen, ipod, particulate matter, ketchup packets, change, camera perhaps, sunglasses, keys..

Day 26 - What you think about your friends

I adore them! Duh.

Day 27 - Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN BUT IT TOOK FOREVER GAH

Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

IM NOT DOING THIS I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH THIS STUPID BLOG POST
but lemme tell ya, the past year has been incredible, and in it I have met/gotten to know some of my best friends ever.

Day 29 - In this past month, what have you learned

That media law isn't as horrible as they say.

Day 30 - Who are you

I am too many flavors for one spoon.

pressure;

OH MY GOD I AM SO STRESSED.

The coming school year might just actually kill me.

Before the semester starts, I have to find a time to take bar tending classes, sign up for them and get that DONE (and then get a hopefully VERY part-time job), create my portfolio to become a personal stylist (and then put ads on craigslist and create business cards so that I can hopefully get some clients and make some extra money), get my car inspected and my oil changed, go visit my parents, go to Carowinds with my amazing friends, move out of this house and into my apartment, talk to my boss about my work schedule for the fall, and I really want to go ahead and start looking at NYC apartments and that sort of thing so that I can worry a bit LESS about it during the school year. I ALSO need to find out when Sarai and I can go to Europe to visit Erin next year and all that stuff. BAHHH.

Then, DURING the semester, I will be producing a musical, taking a class that requires me to spend time working in the shop for the on campus professional theatre company, working backstage for said theatre company for several weeks (because of another class), working a part-time job, hopefully being a personal stylist on weekends, and perhaps hopefully also being a bar tender sometimes, oh and choir as well. I will also be preparing to visit Erin in Paris and continuing preparations to move to NYC.

I am so so stressed. I don't even know how this is all going to get done.

Edit: Another thing I want to do during the school year- create a NEW blog in which I discuss theatre at my university and write reviews of shows. Thus, create writing samples so that I can attempt to perhaps become a theatre critic in NYC.

before you, my life was a moonless night;

I have been feeling really alone lately.

I don't know what this stemmed from.. okay actually that's a lie. I totally do. But it doesn't matter anymore. It was stupid and emo.
And I wrote some stupid/emo blogs over the past couple days that I will not be posting because I am well aware that they are stupid & emo!

However, I am feeling a lot better now, a lot more whole, a lot more needed and loved and important.
Today was a fantastic day.

Anyway, Sarai, my adorable little summer roommate and amazing friend, wrote this blog post recently, and it PERFECTLY EXPLAINS the EXACT same insecurities that I have. Here it is:

"Sometimes I worry that I'll never be good enough or funny enough or awesome enough for some people and I wonder if people are bored with me or that I'm too emotional for them or that I'm not emotional enough or that I'm not interesting enough or that I don't care enough and sometimes I wish people would say these things to me because if there's one thing I hate more than anything it's not being told people's true feelings. And sometimes I wonder why I never seem to be the one that's loved the most or if it's all in my head or if all this really is real and I wonder why I'm never the first in anyone's life and why I'm never good enough and if it's just a mood swing or if it's me but then I worry I'll never know cause they'll never tell me because they don't care enough to tell me the truth and just want to keep me happy."

(I have bolded the parts that I most relate to.)
And she and I have the same personality type (ENFJ, but Sarai is actually borderline between ENFJ and ENTJ), so that explains why our inner workings are so similar.
ANYWAY, that is exactly how I've been feeling the past few days.

And I think part of it is due to my dad's health and me being worried about that.
(Speaking of which, my dad has an appointment at the fancy, out of town hospital for the beginning of August. Apparently that is the soonest they can get him in, but my mom is worried and wants to try and move up the appointment. Your continued prayers for that are immensely appreciated.)

And part of it is that most of my friends are geographically far away at the moment, and the ones who aren't are on completely different schedules than me and don't live near me so its difficult to find time to play.

I just miss everyone constantly.

And I haven't gotten to have a heart-to-heart conversation with anyone in a really long time about my life. I am really bad at those, and Taylor (God bless her)is one of the only people I will subject my venting fits to, because she is just that patient and I never worry that I'll bore her. So yeah. That has been missing from my life and causing me to take in all my feelings and inevitably over-analyze everything and its just basically a disaster when I can't talk to people about things like that.

So if you've been around me and I've seemed unstable or grumpy or quiet.. that's probably the reason.

See, the thing is, I am completely in love with my friends. COMPLETELY IN LOVE. You people have no idea how much I adore you.

Like little Sarai here. Basically everything she does is adorable just because its her. And she has become a staple in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And my love Erin, who's (rough draft) novel I have just recently gotten around to reading, and it is EPIC MOFO GOOD. I am immensely proud of her (for that, and for many other reasons). And she is going to be the next J.K. Rowling/Stephanie Meyer/John Green. And children are going to write fanfic about her stories. And we are going to sit on our fire escape balcony and read it to our cats.

And Jamie, who is spending the summer where she goes to school, and is just having fun and hanging out with her boyfriend. I am really happy for her. He is a great guy and a great fit for her in terms of personality and such. They are a cute couple. :)

I could go on, but I'll spare you.

But because I love everyone so much, I get weird whenever I feel like my feelings are not reciprocated. Because each of my close friends leads me to places I cannot see on my own. They bring me joy and light and freedom. And they make me want to journey into the Great Perhaps and leave behind my minor life of monotonous certainty in search of grander maybes, and assure me that it will be okay.

You all have made me irretrievably different.

But then when no one is around, and its just me, I feel perhapsless. Purposeless. Like I have been left in the labyrinth of life with no one to hold on to..

So, when you go
if you go
(please don't go)
I'll be stuck in the labyrinth
and I'll never know if you took the straight & fast way out..
if you left me on purpose..

People have a tendency to come into my life and make me irretrievably different and change my moonless night into a sky brimming with stars,
and then they disappear
with no explanation.
And the stars fade (just like that episode of Doctor Who).

So, now, I am constantly worried that it will happen again.
That is why I am so terrified that I am too boring for people.
Because I'm afraid they'll just walk away.

...

But I am happier now.
Today I decided to be happier
because it is not worth it to be anything other than happy and grateful.

And there is no way I'm going to be ready for my midterm on Tuesday, but whatever. Today has been fantastic.

Also, this was really long. So, you're amazing if you've made it through.
(& I hope SOMEONE recognized my 'Looking for Alaska' references ;D )

And I hope that if you read this, you are assured that A) I love you, B) I am a ridiculous mofo and C) I ramble a lot.

hold on tight;

"It feels like you or the world will never change. But I've seen you change. Both of you."

"For she had embodied the Great Perhaps- she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. I could call everything the Colonel said & did 'fine.' I could try to pretend that I didn't care anymore, but it could never be true again. You can't just make yourself matter and then die, Alaska, because now I am irretrievably different, and I'm sorry I let you go, yes, but you made the choice. You left me Perhapsless, stuck in your goddamned labyrinth. And now I don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out, if you left me like this on purpose. And so I never knew you, did I? I can't remember, because I never knew." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter

every rose has its thorn;

If you had 3 wishes but each took 3 years off your life, what would you wish for?
Well, first I would need to know how long I would live without these wishes... Because if I'm going to live to be like 97 then I could potentially afford such a thing, but if I'm going to die young then I would not take this offer. However, 3 wishes...
For my dad's health to get better.
To be financially stable and therefore not have to worry about money.
And to live the dream in NYC with Erin. (even though that's already definitely happening.)

What makes you happy?
my friends, being able to make someone smile, laughter, Doctor Who, David Tennant, accents, cute clothes, road trips, inside jokes, outings with friends... many things!

Living alone with tons of money or living with your soul mate in a shelter?
How about living with my BFF in a cardboard TARDIS under a bridge?! :D

Losing the love of your life, or never finding them at all?
I am inclined to say never finding them at all. But I feel like that's a stupid answer. So.. I have no idea.

Saying something you regret, or saying nothing and regretting it?
I've done both, but its probably better to say nothing and regret it.

Whats the hardest goodbye you've ever had to do?
I hate goodbyes. So, all of them? But one of the hardest was after I was in the musical 'Ragtime' in 10th grade and had to say goodbye to my bff/"mom" Susan.. because I knew that after that our friendship would never be the same. And she changed my life pretty drastically.

Who is the single most amazing person you have known?
There have been a lot. :) Each amazing in a different way.

Where do you want to be in 10 years time?
NYC. Where else?! I also hope that I have a pretty kickin' career... that would be helpful.

If you could go back and relive one year of your life, which would it be?
This past year. Knowing what I know now, there is a lot I would do differently.

Have you ever loved someone only for them not to love you?
Well yeah. Of course.

Do you feel that everyone is capable of feeling love?
I don't think everyone is capable of knowing or understanding the purest form of unconditional love, because I believe that you have to know and understand the love of Christ in order to show and feel that kind of love.

Name 5 things in your life that you are thankful for:
friends
family
love
passion
laughter

What is something in this world you feel is overrated?
Tanning. Fitting in. Overachieving. Marriage.

What can a person do to you that you will not forgive them for?
I forgive pretty easily. But it is hard for me to see someone in the same light I saw them before they did whatever was so upsetting.. if that makes sense. But anyway, so far, all is forgiven.

Pick a quote that you can relate to. Why can you relate with it?
"You are an end product of time. And time will always take its toll. Never regret the price you pay to become who you are." -IWTFY
..I think everyone can relate to that. We all have a story, and we all grow based on the choices we make and the people we meet.

Do you believe that any miracles have happend so far in your life? If so what were they?
I believe that every day is a miracle in itself. :)
And love, friendship, people... all miracles.

Do you think you have succeeded or failed so far in your life?
Succeeded I suppose. But there have of course been some epic fail moments.

If somebody were to look deep into your eyes, what would they feel/see?:
Faith, love, hope, compassion, empathy, curiosity

What personality trait has gotten you into the most trouble?
Hm. Good question. Depends how you define 'trouble' I suppose.. I'm not really sure.

What is the epitome of beauty in your eyes?
people who keep on fighting and smiling and remaining true to themselves despite extremely difficult circumstances.

What has been your greatest struggle?
Its a struggle every time my dad has to go to the hospital...

Do you cry when you get an injury?
haha I suppose it depends on the injury. But usually I suppress the pain and try not to.

If you could ask your partner any question, what would it be?
uhm.. I don't have a "partner"..

What is your most cherished possession? (PEOPLE aren't possessions.)
There are a lot. The pictures on my wall, my photo album, my shark hat, my wardrobe (because it would be quite difficult to replace)... I am probably too protective over material things. But I think that is probably because I know I would never have the money to replace any of it.

Do you fall in love easily or does it take a while?
I am quite intuitive and a really good judge of character. So it is usually a quick process.

When was the last time you talked to God
Yesterday

Live with ______ in your heart.
hope.

If you died tomorrow what would you want to happen today?
I would just want to be with my friends and be happy and laugh a lot.

Who has influenced you the most?
My theatre family, the Muffett family, a few special teachers, and my closest friends.

Whats your longest relationship been?
Well, Jamie and I have been friends since we were 8 months old... That's pretty significant, right?!

Whats one thing you'd never do?
Poop out the window of a moving vehicle.

If you could represent one deadly sin, what would it be?
I have no idea. I just googled them because I couldn't remember what they are.. and I don't know. I would prefer not to represent any of them!

What is the overall personal quality you look for in a potential mate?
Ohhh uh. Hm. Niceness, hottness, David Tennant-ness... haha.

What is the number one problem you have with yourself?
I'm not good at verbalizing my thoughts or feelings.

What are you looking for in life?
Love, happiness... nothing too complicated.

If you could be anywhere right now with one person, who would it be and where?
At Tiny Dog's house with Erin & Sarai. Those mofos. Watching Doctor Who all day and I am stuck here attempting (& failing) to do homework.

Whats the one moment in your life that you think had the biggest impact? Positively? Negatively?
Positive - Too many. I can't pinpoint anything.
Negative - Uh. There have been a few. I don't know.

Have you ever felt like just giving up on everything?
Yeah.

How far would you go to protect the people you care about?
pretty mofo far!

Would you die for another person if it saved their life?
Absolutely.

What is the best way to get rid of an enemy?
I don't know, but the way to avoid acquiring them is to love everyone, but then if they turn out to be a poo face, just walk away before they destroy you.

Have you ever known someone who commited suicide?
no

What can make you smile no matter what?
Erin Ruth Maness!!

And finally is there any last words you wanna say to anyone?
Uh.. ? I don't know! HI! :D