am I too wholesome, am I too loathesome, guess I'm a little bit shy;

This is the way my mind works.

I get really excited about people I like a lot being online
but they never are
and then all of a sudden finally they are
and then I get too scared to talk to them
because I'm afraid nothing I have to say is interesting enough for them
and I don't want to bother them, because they are surely doing something really fun or interesting over there on the other side of the internet, which I would not want to interrupt.

But then
I am proven wrong.
Because even though
If people were rain
I'd be drizzle and you'd be a hurricane
you still love me
my bff. :)

i'm never as good as when you're here;

I feel the need to write a blog post about the fact that my bff/person I am going to live with presumably for my entire life starting in June(ish) has left to study abroad in Paris for the ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR.

I went to her house last night (since I couldn't come say goodbye at the airport because of work) to give us some final time to just hang out and be in the same room.

Erin was really flustered, but we watched a silent DVD of a musical revue she was in in high school and ate pizza and her mother sang 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon' while we held hands, stared at the ceiling and walked around in circles. It was kind of amazing.

I decided at about 8:30 that I needed to leave "soon," but then basically didn't end up leaving till.. ohhh, about 2 hours later. Maybe a bit more.

I hate goodbyes, but I am the type of person who, if a goodbye is going to happen, I want it to be a GOOD ONE DANGIT.
And this one was pretty epic, in a horrifically devastating way.

We sang Total Eclipse of the Heart and Tatoue Moi and Vivir en Crever at each other and after clutching each other for a long time started resigning ourselves to take one step at a time away from each other...

At the end, I was standing right by my car door and she was standing by her garage, and then I was like "How about I just leave really quickly like a bandaid?"
Erin replied, "I think we missed out on the bandaid approach..."

So then I was like, "Ok well what if I run over there and give you ONE MORE HUG and then run back and leave immediately??!"
Erin was skeptical that this plan would work, but I had confidence in it.
So, she set an ALARM on her phone for one minute later (yes, this is how in love we are) and I ran over there and we hugged some more and Erin was like "Are you SURE you can't come with me to France?"
I sighed. "That would mess up all the stuff in my life... except for the important parts."

At that moment it became shockingly clear to me that everything important in life can be found in friendship and love and happiness and togetherness. Everything else is just what we do so that we can maintain things we WANT.. material things.
So, I feel like, in order to balance out the mundane, we have to have the love and the friendship and the togetherness. That is what puts the magic in gridlock and loneliness. Best friends. The best of best friends- so much that we can basically just gaze at each other and know what the other person is thinking, and how great it would be if we could just STAY like that forever. Together.
(And someday we will.)

Anyway, the alarm went off and we both let out disappointed exclamatory remarks, and I left.

I cried like a MOFO on the way home. And nothing on the radio was satisfying my need to EMOTE. So I just turned the crap off and cried in silence and talked to myself like an insane person. And then eventually I turned the radio back on and sang some sad songs with it and kept crying...

And right now, Erin is on her way to France.

I think... No, I KNOW we will be okay. We have an unbreakable bond. We are going to live together forever when she gets back and its going to be GREAT. This year, though I will miss her like its my job, will be a good year. She is going to explore and grow and have a spectacular time abroad, and I am going to learn and grow and become more independent here.

It will be good. We will be fantastic independently, and then, when she gets back, we will be fantastic together.

I am incredibly proud of Erin. She is an impeccably beautiful person. :)

I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night;

I believe that sometimes, we need to go through crappy situations. Sometimes going through things that make us suffer and struggle and scream and cry can make us appreciate the good times more.
It helps us put things into perspective.
Only in the deepest darkness do the stars shine bright.
We just have to remember in the darkness to look up at the stars.
To find the way out of our problems by looking towards the countless glimmers of light that surround us.

I don't want to be a paper girl in a paper town.
I want to be real, sincere, authentic, genuine...

I want to be someone who focuses on and talks about things that MATTER.

And there is nothing like going through a crappy situation that will help you realize the things that really do matter; the things you have to be incredibly grateful for; and the things that you need to equip yourself to back away from.

Its not easy, but that's life.

The labyrinth blows, but I chose it.

And no matter what we think,
there is magic.
Even here.

“There is magic even here; in gridlock, in loneliness, in too much work, in late nights gone too long, in shopping trolleys with broken wheels, in boredom, in tax returns, the same magic that made a man write about a princess that slept until she was kissed, long golden hair draped over a balcony and fingers pricked with needles. There is magic even here; in potholes along back-country roads, in not having the right change (you pat your pockets), arriving late and missing the last train home, the same magic that caused a woman in France to think God spoke to her, that made another sit down at the front of a bus and refuse to move, that lead a man to think that maybe the world wasn’t flat and the moon could be walked upon by human feet. There is magic. Even here.” –IWTFY

the first of the lasts;

So classes start tomorrow.
And I have just realized that I have done no preparation whatsoever for this nonsense. I don't even know what time I have to get on the bus to go to campus. I haven't looked at the stupid syllabus I'm supposed to print out.
Nor have I showered.
That is something I definitely need to do.

Senior year... my my. It feels good. I think I'm ready. I am looking forward to making more memories, and honestly, am thankful that it is going to pass so quickly. (It always does.)

I am producing Once on this Island and Hair this semester.. and other than that, I am cutting out extracurriculars. That will take up enough time as it is, plus the fact that I am going to hopefully work 20 hours a week will probably keep me QUITE busy enough thank you!

Life is weird.
That's all. :)

i made that bargain long ago;

I want to become a better person.
Sometimes I just feel like I do really stupid immature things that I know are stupid and immature, and then I feel like a complete mofo because I knew all along what the better choice was to make.
But then other times I find myself in situations where I have no idea what to do or how to respond.
And then I feel equally as mofo-ish because I think that as much as I proclaim the fact that love is my motto and I claim that I am an understanding person who loves to give advice, I feel like I SHOULD KNOW what to do in these situations.

I feel like I have been working really hard all my life to emotionally/spiritually grow up. And I just get really frustrated when I find myself reverting to childlike behavior in those areas.

So, yeah. That's really all I have to say at the moment.
If you see me acting a fool, please whip me into shape (in a respectful way).
I will appreciate it.

My goal is to be happy, drama free, ridiculously mature, socially wise, and 100% unconditionally loving.
I want to know when to say things to other people and when not to, and when to get involved and when not to.
I don't want to be a stupid mofo.

That's all!
I love everyone.
<3

my missing puzzle piece;

"You & I will be young forever
you make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream...
Let's run away and don't ever look back...
I found you, my missing puzzle piece,
I'm complete.."
-Katy Perry, Teenage Dream.

I can't stop listening to it.

we might not have any money, but we've got our love to pay the bills;

So, I am successfully moved out of my lovely summer home and into the apartment I will be in for the school year. :)

My new room is pretty small, but SUPER CUTE. I have spruced it up and put all my wonderful things on the walls and so it feels pretty homey even though we have NOTHING in our living room yet and Taylor hasn't even moved in yet.. Oh, and I don't have a bed yet.
Luckily, it is coming tomorrow.

Oh, and our internet isn't installed yet. A fact that never ceases to frustrate me. I just feel so disconnected from the world when I don't have internet!! Its bizarre. But the man is coming to fix that on Tuesday afternoon, hallelujah.

Needless to say, I have been watching a LOT of Facts of Life DVDs. :P

AND I am super pumped because CAROWINDS is Monday. :DDD

And, work is going pretty great. I did the closing duties for dining room allll by myself last night (with a bit of answered questions by my trainer) and I did it all right!! Yay me. AND my trainer, who is a lovely little man who talks really fast, made me take all the orders from customers that came in last night and my fear of cash registers is being overcome!! :D I am getting a lot better at it, and the way he trains me is SUPER helpful because he just lets me do stuff and then critiques as I go along. There are still a lot of things I don't know how to do (like order modification type stuff) and I need to get to know the menu a lot better so I can answer question from customers and increase my speed, but I am certainly getting the hang of it!! And I am also starting to get to know the people at work and that makes life a lot happier. :)

Today has been slightly amazing and hilarious.

I woke up at like 11:30 to a zillion text messages and a phone call from the maintenance man, who wanted to let me know when he is coming to install our washer and dryer. And then I was about to take a shower (my first shower in the new place) when I realized that I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE THE SHOWER BE A SHOWER AND NOT A BATH. It was so bothersome. I was just walking around the house with no pants on all disgruntled. But I texted Caroline about it and she was able to help me out. :) HOWEVER! I then realized that I HAD NO SHOWER CURTAIN. BAH. So, I was just like SCREW IT and I showered without one.
Then, I got dressed and ready and went to Caribou for like 3 hours and spent some time with the internet and coffee, which is NEVER a bad combination. AND OMG while I was there this guy who looks JUST LIKE the guy who plays Carlos on Desperate Housewives came in and SAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME and my heart was all a-flutter. It was delightful. And he was on his phone for a while SPEAKING SPANISH GAHHHHHHH. Good times indeed.

Then, I went to Lowes to get some screws to put this giant shelf thing together that my dad made for me freshman year. (We have to take it apart to transport it because its so big, but I lost the mofo screws this time.. buh.) And anyway, that worked out and then I went to Walmart to get groceries and a shower curtain but then I got really pissed off upon getting there because that Walmart is SO disorganized I could not even handle it.
SO then I went across town to Target. Got everything I needed, spent way too much money.
Then I went home and put away the groceries and put up the shower curtain and then Caroline got home and we chatted for a bit, and I got out the power drill and began putting together my giant shelf. Caroline heard the noise, came in my room, and her jaw dropped at the sight of me (wearing this giant purple flower on my head) holding a power drill and putting together a giant shelf. Her only words were, "GET IT!"

Then she peaced out and I finished organizing my room, ate some leftover Wendys fries and went BACK to Caribou.. because I just really like the internet.

Life is happy.
I love everyone.

"Hold our cell phones up in the air
& just be glad that we made it here alive;
on a spinning ball in the middle of space,
I love you from your toes to your face."

<3

spin like a record;

*discussion happens about Erin's potential wedding to a boy*
Me: Can I live in your attic?
Erin: You can live in my HOUSE. I've already married you. [Boy] is going to be my second wife.

<3