public service announcement.

I guess I should explain, post-emo mood, how I operate and whatnot, because I think I owe it to some amazing people who were magically able to deal with me throughout it.

First of all, if I am feeling emo, I normally do not just offer up why I am feeling emo unless asked. That is because I am afraid of boring people (and, ok, so, as an ENFJ I used to always listen to other people's problems and then basically carry burdens for them and feel like it was my responsibility to fix the problem, so when anyone confided in me I would get REALLY over-emotionally-involved in their problems and then I would be emo about things that weren't even my things to be emo about. SO THUS I hesitate to share my problems with people because I don't want them to feel the way I used to)... BUT, if someone does say 'HEY WHAT'S WRONG?!' THEN I will probably at least try to explain what's going on, or perhaps I will just express that I am in a bad mood and I don't want to talk about it. In either case, it means a lot to me when people ask me what's wrong and show they care rather than just wondering it or pretending nothing is wrong.
However, as I am a stupid mofo a lot of the time, sometimes I just need to be left in a bad mood for a while before I can escape from it.

ANYWAY, what I am trying to get at here are the reasons behind why I go emo at times. Basically, to give you the back story (which I respect anyone who has the patience to read), I have had several friends in my life who I have been REALLY close to and told everything to who have basically just disappeared from my life with no explanation, thus temporarily ruining my ability to trust people... so NOW no matter who you are, if you are my friend, I will at at least one point in our friendship, be terrified that you will abandon me. Its just how I operate now, unfortunately.

So at the slightest things I can immediately start feeling left out or ignored, or like I might soon be abandoned.. because it HAS happened before. SO ANYWAY, when whatever happens that triggers these feelings, I immediately go into this mode where I put walls up around myself so that nothing affects me and I don't let anyone in. And then I just keep imagining all these scenarios that I believe are true where I am being hatefully scorned by people I dearly love and it hurts like hell, and the reason it hurts so much (even if it is not true at all, which in the most recent case it clearly was irrational on my part) is because it has happened to me before, and
now thanks to those instances it feels like my greatest fear (losing people I love) is being realized.

Basically, what I am trying to say here is- sometimes I get really irrational, paranoid feelings about my friends because I am a ridiculous mofo, and your choice is to either let me get over it, ask me about it, or distract me with wonderful things like my 2 favorite doctors- DR PEPPER AND DOCTOR WHO- and thereby cheer me up.

On that note, I would like to extend a MAJOR thank you to Sarai and Erin Ruth Maness, who are ridiculously awesome and were able to distract me and thereby cheer me up with JUST THOSE THINGS!! :D

I owe them big for putting up with me in my stupid state.

As a matter of fact, I would say that I owe them participation in an activity I discovered when I googled "things to do when you're bored", which is to write out 20 things you love about a friend and then share it with them. :D
I SHALL BEGIN THAT NOW.

And, as a general motto, I tell my friends that if I cannot deal with them at their worst then I do not deserve them at their best, so I welcome any emo rants from them that may need to happen in the future.

(PS SARAI WITH AN I YOU ARE GORGEOUS SO GET OVER IT AND ENJOY YOUR BEAUTY. PEOPLE ENVY YOUR BODY TYPE AND HAIR COLOR AND EYE COLOR AND FACE. NEVER DENY YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW AND LOVE YOUR OWN TRUE BEAUTY.)

*contented sigh*

To close,
I love everyone.
And I apologize for not always showing it.