go for it anyway;

Here are some items of business.

1. I got on that guest list for the People's Court, and I was told I could bring a buddy (though I may NOT wear white or tan (LOL TELEVISION AUDIENCE RULES)) so I am going to fucking NYC in a couple weeks whether my jobs or my checking account like it or not. I have asked Katherine to join me, and I hope she can because of course I would prefer to have a buddy, but I am going either way and I am pretty stoked about it!!
PLUS I GET TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS JUDGE MILIAN MY QUEEN I LOVE HER.

2. My last day at the retail job is the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.. Thus, I only have a couple more weeks until I am back to being a one-job lady. That will be a relief.

3. I am really disappointed that I won't get to be in Italy for more than 3 months, but I am rolling with it and back to the grind of trying to find a host family so I can go somewhere else after that. Poland is an option now- I've emailed back and forth a couple times with a Polish family that seems awesome- I think I would love them. I hope that, or something equally good, works out.

4. I am mildly considering applying to the University of Miami for a Masters in Mental Health Counseling & Therapy. It seems like a really cool program.. Miami culture seems AWESOME, and I mean.. I am not TOTALLY sure that this is my true calling, but it is definitely something I have been interested in for years, so I think I should at least apply and see what happens!

5. That said, I need to take the GRE... and I need to do it before I leave the country. Luckily, there are a LOT of dates & times available in December (I'm leaning towards December 20 at the moment) .. because my UM application has to be in by March I think.. so I'll have to do that from Verona. :) (MY LIFE IS GETTING COOL Y'ALL)
Anyway.. sometime this week I need to locate a book with which to study for the GRE which has apparently changed VERY recently, so I'll have to get a new book. But.. whatever. I will learn some shit I guess and take a test and then I will have that to submit in case I FOR REAL go to grad school. The risky part of this is, I need to kick the GRE's ass, because I only have time to take it once before this application is due.. Blargh.

Anyway, that's what's up. :)

sit back down where you belong;

I need to learn to live my life to the fullest while I have the chance. I learned that lesson even more so today than I had before..
Yesterday I basically gave up on making it to NYC before Christmas to see The People's Court.. and I am 100% sure that everyone reading this is like lol wtf who gives a shit about a court show. But its not the SHOW that I love, its the Judge. More about that later.
TODAY, I was laying around like always, and I got a call from a 212 number.. I was like uhh ok what is this so I answered it in a haze, as the phone had awoken me from a nap. It was a lady from People's Court, telling me that there are tickets available for the week of November 15.
Now, I emailed about tickets about a month and a half ago. WHO GETS A RESPONSE to anything after that long. I was pretty surprised that I did.
And this may sound silly to you, but I am taking this as a sign that I should take that trip. Yes its yet another financial strain I'm putting on myself, but I work really hard every day, and I think I can make this work.
I need to become more of a risk taker, and stop fearing the future. I need to live life to the fullest and follow my dreams NOW. Because if not, it may never happen.
That has been the lesson of the day.
Now, more about that judge I love..
Judge Marilyn Milian has been a massive inspiration in my life, as I have been watching her preside over her courtroom since I was in 5th grade. I saw how knowledgeable, clever, wise, compassionate, confident, and FIERCE she is, and I wanted to both BE HER and know her at the same time. And I still feel that way. I have always been easily inspired by/infatuated with people, but there are a few who have shaped me into who I am today, and one of those people is Marilyn Milian... (the others are Susan Powell (though she was a friend of mine), Stacy London, Oprah, and Jurga, my boss at work). But that is really all. I love a LOT of people, but these are the ones who have REALLY shaped me into who I am, whether they know it or not, and gave me strong role models who I can look up to and strive to be more like.

Anyway, I am NYC bound in just a couple weeks!! Eek!! :D

fierce girls are going places;

I have decided to create myself an "inspiration board" of sorts.. but without the board itself for the time being. I am dissatisfied with the person I am acting like lately, and the way I have been responding to the challenges life's been throwing at me.
I admire a lot of people, the majority of whom are amazing, powerful, fierce as hell women who I would love to be more like. Below, I am going to list each person ...or character... and then some qualities that I see in them that I would like to cultivate in myself. :)

Jurga! (my boss at work)
-FIERCE
-never afraid to speak her mind
-epitome of a great leader: supportive yet stern
-knows what she is doing
-works with enthusiasm and a smile, even when she is exhausted or having a bad day
-smart.. seems to know EVERYTHING
-confident!!
-not afraid to take a risk
-doesn't let things bother her for too long.. deals with it, and moves on
-flipping gorgeous

Judge Marilyn Milian (who presides over The People's Court)
-HOLY CRAP SO PRETTY
-perceptive
-wise
-brilliant
-super confident in herself.. never doubts herself
-clever & funny
-makes people comfortable
-STRONG. Has gotten through many rough situations and gotten even stronger because of it.
-supportive of people emotionally, but never biased
-FIERCE
-not afraid to let loose on people who have done something wrong

Stacy London
-beautiful inside and out! :D
-generous
-loving & kind
-confident & FIERCE
-invests in others
-genuine
-creative and bold in her style choices
-believes in a little self-indulgence.. :)

Bernadette Peters
-follows her passion no matter what
-gotten through rough times and is still thriving
-BEAUTIFUL
-talented as fuck
-funny/clever
-confident!
-sweet and caring of everyone she encounters
-stylish

Renee on Desperate Housewives (played by Vanessa Williams)
-sassy & FIERCE AS HELL
-SO confident
-hot
-fabulous personal style
-encouraging yet frank
-risk taker

Lorelai Gilmore on Gilmore Girls (played by Lauren Graham)
-outgoing
-hilarious
-gorgeous
-unique, and unafraid to be her true self!
-always there when she is needed

Lucille Ball
-talented
-gorgeous
-HILARIOUS
-never afraid to take a risk
-confident
-spoke her mind

River Song on Doctor Who (played by Alex Kingston)
-HOT
-adventurous
-FIERCE
-super confident & outgoing
-loving
-self-sacrificing

Gabrielle Soliz on Desperate Housewives (played by Eva Longoria)
-adorable
-gorgeous
-SO funny
-super stylish
-moves on from tragedy with grace and confidence
-believes in the good in the world
-strong

Oprah Winfrey
-wise
-strong
-caring & loving
-not afraid to give in ANY way she can
-believes in herself
-not afraid to dig deep and face problems at their core
-believes in her dreams, and the power within herself

this was just a moment in the woods;

Well. Things are a much more organized hot mess than they were when last I wrote.

Due to the fact that there is no visa I can get for Italy, I am (by the demand of my mother) limiting my trip there to 90 days. So, I am beginning the search now for a family in either France or Ireland, where I know I can get an au pair visa.
This way, I will come back to the US at the end of March, and hopefully only be here for as long as it takes to get a visa for wherever I'm going next. :)
I have already emailed the agency that Erin used to be an au pair in France, so I have that and the website I used to find my lovely Italian family. Hopefully I will be able to work something out.

I am just glad that the host family, and my mother are BOTH okay with this arrangement, and I am SO happy that I will get to be in Italy for a while! :D

All I did all weekend was eat shitty food and watch tv and movies online, so that did give me some time to recharge and relax, which was GREAT after having worked so many days consecutively without a day off. And this week looks like its going to be pretty lax, especially since I don't have to work at job #2 at all.. AND I am off again this coming weekend. So yay for that.

Oh, and another good thing about the shortening of the Italy trip: a much easier packing job! AND I will get to visit my work family when I get back in late spring. (I am trying to point out the positives here, but I am genuinely disappointed I won't be getting my full 7 months or 1 year there.)

ALSO, I might add that getting to be in France with Erin would be rather amazing! I miss my buddy!

Anyway, we shall see what happens.

Side note; I adore Vanessa Williams lately.. she is PERFECT on Desperate Housewives.

nowhere fast;

Disclaimer: Don't read this if you don't want to read something emo. I do not owe you an apology for my emotions.

I have been mulling over writing this all day.
I feel completely defeated and directionless and worthless right now.

My whole life I have wondered what my purpose was and I have never even been close to finding it.
I feel like I have failed. My life is a failure. The only direction I had going into college was that I wanted to do theatre. I was sooooo into it. But it became very clear throughout college (even moreso than it was before) that I lacked the talent to pursue performing, and I lacked the wherewithal it would take to make a career out of stage managing. And as far as anything like directing or writing.. nope. No talent or passion for either of those.
I did the PR thing because I thought it might be fun and enjoyable... but it wasn't. I did not enjoy those classes really at all. I have no desire to do that as a career.

I always say that I would maybe enjoy psychology, but hell no I do not want to go back to school.

Growing up and making good grades and shit was find and dandy, but it puts a LOT of expectations on you. I feel like going to college was a waste because now here I am COMPLETELY directionless. I feel like I have failed everyone who told me I would do great things with my life. I have failed everyone.

I have always been afraid this would happen, but never REALLY thought it would. I thought I would move to NYC and something would fall into place.. but now I know so many people up there that I feel like it would be weird to also move there... I feel like it would almost be like me copying everyone else at this point.

So I chose to try out the Europe thing. I really REALLY do want to see the world.. but look where that has got me. Dreaming big has knocked me down. To be completely honest, I resent the fact that this has been and is so easy for other people, who have more opportunities and/or more funding than I will ever have to travel. I am COMPLETELY aware, obviously, that there are millions upon millions of people who are worse off than I am.. but when everyone around you gets these opportunities and you are the one fighting tooth and nail and working your ass off and getting ZERO payoff.. it is really hard.

I still don't know what's going to happen with that.

On the phone today my mom was like well why don't you just come home for a while and do some research and decide what you want to do... and I was like.. NO. To me that is the ULTIMATE failure- moving back home. That is the last thing I want. At least where I am now I can hide from people I knew growing up who expect all these big things out of me.

I feel like I have disappointed everyone and failed everyone and that I have no potential to do anything at all with my life.
I realize that I am a hot mess right now.. but really all I want out of anyone is to just BE THERE WITH ME through this. LET ME feel how I feel and sympathize with me. That is what I want from someone. I don't want the crap I've been hearing all damn day from everyone about how I am giving up because I honestly feel like I am on a dead end road.

don't think they'll be needing me anymore;

Today was supposed to be visa day.

I woke up and got ready and went and got gas and went to the fedex store to get yet another set of pre-paid envelopes, because apparently they prefer fedex instead of the normal post office.. and I just wanted to have it all be right.

So I drove all the way there.. got there earlier than I thought I would and found a Caribou. Sat there for a long time.. waiting.

Then it was like 3:25, so I went over to the visa office and got my shit together.. sat there a moment freaking out.

Then I went in there and I had all the shit and though it was going to be fine. So.. I went in there and they saw that I was applying for the 90 day visa (because even though I clearly WANTED to stay much longer) and started looking through my papers and checking things off..

*Side note: I was going to apply for a long term visa, but it seemed that there IS NO such thing as a tourist visa for more than 90 days, and the work visa which I also could have gotten takes over 6 months to get. -_-

So. Host dad told me just to get the 90 days one and we would go from there.

So that is what I tried to do.

They said that my health insurance info wasn't good enough, even though I USED THE FORM THAT THEIR WEBSITE SUPPLIED. What the fuck.

THEN they said that I would not be able to enter the country without a return trip ticket. EVEN THOUGH THE WEBSITE SAID PROOF THAT YOU CAN & WILL BUY ONE WOULD BE FINE. I had a notarized affidavit along with a form from the bank showing that I have ample funding to buy a plane ticket.

Apparently that wasn't good enough.

THEN they were like how long are you staying? And I was like uh I guess 90 days (because I thought that was all I COULD stay)

And they were like uh you don't need a visa for 90 days.

What


the


ever

living





FUCK.


So I was like okaaaaaaaaaaaay.. so what if I decide NOW that I want to stay more than that?? And they were like then you'd have to make another appointment. WHAT WHY. ALSO the asshole was like anyway you still would need a return trip ticket.

I don't believe that one bit.

No one buys a round trip with MONTHS between the flights. That is bullshit.

SO they wont give me a visa.. and now I don't know what I'm going to do. I stormed out of there and probably shut the door behind me a bit too hard and they probably thought I was a horrible person. But.. fuck them. I called them more than 5 times and emailed more than 5 times and asked everyone I knew to ask about this shit and got ZERO answers.

I am so pissed and upset and I wasted SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY on this...

I don't know where to go from here.

I have nothing without this Italy thing.
My lease ends at the end of December, I have already told both my bosses I am leaving my jobs, I have no idea what sort of career I want to pursue in the real world. This was going to be MY time. MY payoff for working my ass off all these years. This was going to be the ONE risk I've ever taken.. the ONE thing I have ever tried to do 100%, throwing caution to the wind and following my heart.
And now its just a disaster.

I feel like my life is completely worthless, and I feel like I am just not even worth it as a person. Everything and everyone has slowly dissipated out of my life and now I have nothing and nowhere to go and.. I'm back to square one wondering what the fuck to do with myself now that this may not happen anymore.

Without a visa, I could still go to Italy for 3 months, but most people won't even take au pairs for such a short time.

I hate this.
Why doesn't anything I ever want go right.
Why is it that everyone else gets these amazing opportunities to travel but I have to fight tooth and nail to get to do anything, and then it doesn't even work out.

(Oh, and I even asked WHAT TYPE OF VISA WOULD I NEED if I wanted to re-apply to stay longer than 90 days... and the fucking dumbass woman didn't even have an answer for me. Thanks a lot bitch.)

I cried on the phone to my mom about it ... like BREAKDOWN cry... and the tears continued on and off the whole way home. And I would like to add that I got lost on the way home, so the drive was twice as long as it should have been. I hate everything today.


My life is a dead end.
Please get me out of here.

break till I shatter;

I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take.
This visa shit just keeps getting more and more complicated and I only ate a sandwich at 10am yesterday and didn't eat after that until 11:45am today and I had a bagel then and I haven't slept in about 3 days and no one is here to support me and I keep crying and yelling at the air because this SUCKS SO MUCH and everything is so damn stressful and ridiculous and work and GAHH THERE IS JUST NO TIME for anything at all. I can't do this.