how far do I have to go to get to you;

Warning. Whiny things are to follow.
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I am so overwhelmed by the future. I have zero post-college prospects. I don't even know what I want to do as a career. I am so jealous of the people who have grad school plans and/or jobs secured already.
I don't know what I did wrong, or what I might do to fix it at this point. How do I get out of this abyss of uncertainty... ?
I just don't feel like I am qualified for ANY jobs. Every single job ad I've seen is like "3-5 years of ___ experience required." Clearly I have no experience. Except for theatre and the job I have now. And that doesn't even apply to anything.
I am so pissed about this. I wish I had done something differently. I don't know what, but something. Anything that would have prevented me from this... its like I'm coming towards the end of a road. The path just stops.
I have no idea where to go from here.

well God bless her;

This is about to be really random.

But I have decided that I have a lot of admiration for other women who eat whatever the hell they want. Like, ok, that may have come across incorrectly.

Let's rephrase.

I do not admire people who overeat/gorge themselves/have food addiction/etc.
Nor do I admire people who have eating disorders/starve themselves/overly exercise.

I DO admire women who are like okay I guess I should eat a relatively balanced diet so I guess I will but I'm not going to stress out about it.

I don't think its worth stressing out about.
I think that if you eat 3 donuts before noon, WHATEVER. It happens. That doesn't mean you should eat 10 more, but its not worth freaking out over if you've done it.

I don't even know why I have written this but I have so here it is.

365 thoughts (12)

Loving yourself is an extension of loving others.
You have to learn to embrace others and their flaws, perhaps even excuse their flaws altogether before you can accept and love yourself and your own flaws.
I know I have my issues, but I have grown up and I know how to handle them. And I know you have yours. And I am okay with it all.

Be okay.

Nothing is worth the weight you give it.

beyond the rain;

The sky is not the limit.
The limit does not exist.

Those are some words I should live by in the days & weeks to come.
Keeping the faith in times when everything is about to change has always been hard for me, but I am working on it.

365 thoughts (11)

I think all my negative feelings and memories are tied together by a long string that lies in the back of my mind. And whenever something new gets tied onto that string, it pulls all those old feelings and memories forward, allowing them all to circulate through my mind and consume my thoughts. And each time it becomes harder to let those memories fall back into the depths of me.
Sometimes I think about going away or doing something new, but I can't bring myself to do that either.
I don't know what I need, but I need something. At times like this, I'm not even in the mood to be happy.

lists

Things I love about my job:
the people
the opportunity to learn & grow
how I can sing while washing dishes and not care who hears me
mistake bagels
overdue souflees
the support system
the willingness of everyone to help everyone else
the fact that we are a family
the inside jokes
when people play fun music before we open or after we close
how there really are no stupid questions
how chill everyone is, but so awesome at getting things done
how when there is a line out the door, everyone just quietly goes into hyperspeed mode and everyone is served within just a few minutes
getting to help others
feeling happy to go there when I'm not working and hang out

Wishlist:
go to trainer training soon
find a way to reconcile relationships that seem rocky at the moment
get a ukulele case

Things in my bag:
Well, I usually carry my bookbag when I go to class or work, and my purse is inside it, so this is going to include the contents of both of those.
Laptop
Charger
keys
Ipod
Phone
planner
pen
razor
feminine products
random papers
usually a newspaper
wallet
feminine products
a notebook or 2
sunglasses
lotion
chapstick
other random crap that just ends up there..

Simple goals:
start some sort of exercise routine (my arms and legs have gotten even more muscular than they used to be, but my core needs work)
finish eating my way through the Panera menu (I'm almost there! haha)
practice the ukulele every day
continue being intentional with relationships and making an effort to hang out with people one on one

who i wish you were;

Lately I have been making a conscious effort every day to think positive, be in a good mood despite whatever is happening, and to be more open about saying kind things to people and be less inhibited.
It has been a success, if I do say so myself.

But like, sometimes random things will happen that make me doubt myself.
I don't get why this is the UMPTEENTH TIME that I have been in a state of complete adoration/admiration for someone who I respect a lot and would follow off the edge of a cliff blindfolded if they told me to, who seems to want nothing to do with me.
Why do I always chase the love that alludes me?

Why does it always seem like this one will be different?
Why isn't it different?

Something always happens. Some sort of a setback.
And it leaves me wondering why its happening again and what I could have done to cause it and am I annoying or stupid or a freak or just not good enough?!

What never ceases to baffle me is how each time, I get a new vibe, from the person, showing me that they are different... And then they aren't.

And I just keep loving and adoring and admiring them and hoping I guess that they don't think of me as the most annoying person alive.