public service announcement.

I guess I should explain, post-emo mood, how I operate and whatnot, because I think I owe it to some amazing people who were magically able to deal with me throughout it.

First of all, if I am feeling emo, I normally do not just offer up why I am feeling emo unless asked. That is because I am afraid of boring people (and, ok, so, as an ENFJ I used to always listen to other people's problems and then basically carry burdens for them and feel like it was my responsibility to fix the problem, so when anyone confided in me I would get REALLY over-emotionally-involved in their problems and then I would be emo about things that weren't even my things to be emo about. SO THUS I hesitate to share my problems with people because I don't want them to feel the way I used to)... BUT, if someone does say 'HEY WHAT'S WRONG?!' THEN I will probably at least try to explain what's going on, or perhaps I will just express that I am in a bad mood and I don't want to talk about it. In either case, it means a lot to me when people ask me what's wrong and show they care rather than just wondering it or pretending nothing is wrong.
However, as I am a stupid mofo a lot of the time, sometimes I just need to be left in a bad mood for a while before I can escape from it.

ANYWAY, what I am trying to get at here are the reasons behind why I go emo at times. Basically, to give you the back story (which I respect anyone who has the patience to read), I have had several friends in my life who I have been REALLY close to and told everything to who have basically just disappeared from my life with no explanation, thus temporarily ruining my ability to trust people... so NOW no matter who you are, if you are my friend, I will at at least one point in our friendship, be terrified that you will abandon me. Its just how I operate now, unfortunately.

So at the slightest things I can immediately start feeling left out or ignored, or like I might soon be abandoned.. because it HAS happened before. SO ANYWAY, when whatever happens that triggers these feelings, I immediately go into this mode where I put walls up around myself so that nothing affects me and I don't let anyone in. And then I just keep imagining all these scenarios that I believe are true where I am being hatefully scorned by people I dearly love and it hurts like hell, and the reason it hurts so much (even if it is not true at all, which in the most recent case it clearly was irrational on my part) is because it has happened to me before, and
now thanks to those instances it feels like my greatest fear (losing people I love) is being realized.

Basically, what I am trying to say here is- sometimes I get really irrational, paranoid feelings about my friends because I am a ridiculous mofo, and your choice is to either let me get over it, ask me about it, or distract me with wonderful things like my 2 favorite doctors- DR PEPPER AND DOCTOR WHO- and thereby cheer me up.

On that note, I would like to extend a MAJOR thank you to Sarai and Erin Ruth Maness, who are ridiculously awesome and were able to distract me and thereby cheer me up with JUST THOSE THINGS!! :D

I owe them big for putting up with me in my stupid state.

As a matter of fact, I would say that I owe them participation in an activity I discovered when I googled "things to do when you're bored", which is to write out 20 things you love about a friend and then share it with them. :D
I SHALL BEGIN THAT NOW.

And, as a general motto, I tell my friends that if I cannot deal with them at their worst then I do not deserve them at their best, so I welcome any emo rants from them that may need to happen in the future.

(PS SARAI WITH AN I YOU ARE GORGEOUS SO GET OVER IT AND ENJOY YOUR BEAUTY. PEOPLE ENVY YOUR BODY TYPE AND HAIR COLOR AND EYE COLOR AND FACE. NEVER DENY YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW AND LOVE YOUR OWN TRUE BEAUTY.)

*contented sigh*

To close,
I love everyone.
And I apologize for not always showing it.

i was just wondering if you had a second. to talk about anything at all.

I miss everyone.

I feel so isolated, and I have so much I need to vent about
but no one to talk to..
I just wish people would start at least acting like they care
because I am so over this.
I have no support system.
This sucks.

And I don't care if you think this is emo.

Walk away;
it won't be the first time.

I would drown if I knew that meant you'd soar;

"I am nervous. I'm afraid. But I will stand here in the white hot heat of you. I will play Russian roulette with your playlists. I will tell jokes I'm not sure you'll find funny. I will hold on until there is no more reason to. And in the end, I will break the stars and resurrect the sun."

we will not grow old;

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself


This is a photo from Sarai's birthday party.. in the midst of our flour/water balloon fight. :)

1. I hate surprises because I hate being the center of attention. Thus, I have never been enthusiastic about celebrating my birthday.
2. I watched the movie 'Whip It' about a week ago, and have since really bought into the catch phrase "Be your own hero." I am more determined than ever to create the best possible life for myself. And I intend for it to work out fabulously.
3. I like Buzz Lightyear a lot because he conveys a message of radical hope. And he believes in himself, that he is stronger and bigger than he actually is, and because of this, he is able to achieve great things in the end.
4. My grandma always used to pat me under my chin on my neck and because of that I hate it when people touch my neck now.
5. I am on the internet way too often, so I guess I'm basically addicted.
6. I have a major phobia of getting pink eye, so if you have it, I will NOT be going within 30 feet of you. This all started because I had a cat with pink eye once.
7. As much as I love David Tennant, there is nothing I wouldn't give for a night of passion with 90s John Stamos. He is WELL sexy. And Mr. Tennant belongs to Erin anyway. :P
8. When I look back on my high school life, it all seems really surreal, and I can't believe I did all the things I did then.
9. It is very obvious to me that God has guided my life's choices... He has led me exactly where I need to be, and it blesses me that I can see that. :)
10. My dream role in a musical is Clara in 'The Light in the Piazza' but I am basically TOTALLY NOT talented enough for it.
11. I get to know people really quickly, almost as quickly as I memorize song lyrics. :)
12. I absolutely despise going to the doctor or the dentist.
13. It gives me great fulfillment when my friends who are completely different and would never otherwise have met can meet; I feel like it makes them understand me better. Is that weird?
14. I don't want to get married.
15. I consider myself basically the most boring person ever so I doubt any of these facts were interesting.

Day 02 - The meaning behind your LiveJournal name

My my, how did you know I have a livejournal?! Well, lemme tell ya. I created that account in like 8th grade when I was first obsessed with Bernadette Peters and the musical Gypsy, that she was in at the time. My lj name, 'whenisitmyturn' comes from the lyrics to the song "Rose's Turn".. she sings, "Well someone tell me when is it my turn? Don't I get a dream for myself? Starting now its gonna be my turn, gang way world get off'a my runway..." etc. It doesn't really apply to my life at all.. but it is a great song and a great musical. So yay. Also, at the time, Jamie was very active on lj and made me a moving Bernadette Peters icon that went swimmingly with my username. It was quite the cool thing at the time. :P

Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends

FRIENDS?!


I had to use two because I can't pick just one. My friends are incredible.

Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Picking at my cuticles. Being awkward.. (is that a habit?). Procrastinating. Being annoying.. (again, is that a habit?).

Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

I've been to NYC. That is a place.


Day 06 - Favorite superhero and why

I have never really been that enthused about super heroes. I am however, a huge fan of time lords, and therefore will say that the DOCTOR is basically a super hero and definitely the best one. :)

Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

There are SO many different things I could use for this.. but in this case I am choosing this photo:

..to represent the whole theatre experience I had in middle school & high school, and how it has shaped me into the person you know me as today. When I was a little kid, I was an extremely shy tomboy who loved to play imaginary games outside with the neighborhood kids.. but I was very romantically minded and was always waiting for something epic to happen. Doing theatre, through the shows I participated in and the people I met, I learned about love and how POINTLESS it is to judge others.. I developed independence and a strong work ethic. I made amazing friends who made me happy and brought me the beautiful tragedies that life is all about. And I became myself.

Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why

Hm.. Let's see. In the next 30 days I will finish media law and hopefully do okay in it.. I need to sign up for bartending school, and I will start work soon at my part-time job and move out of this house and into my apartment and get ready for the mofo semester to start and ... lots of things. For obvious reasons. lol

Day 09 - Something you’re proud of in the past few days

uh.. I don't know. Nothing in particular.

Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, and mad

I have playlists that I go to for different moods. When I study I listen to Pandora. When I am hyped I usually go to my playlists entitled "Partayyy!" and "Allons-y!" (which have dance type music and popular songs).. when I am mad or sad I usually listen to my girly playlist (with stuff like Sara Bareilles, Kate Voegele, David Archuleta, Adele, Brendan James, Ingrid Michaelson).. when I am just normal happy I listen to my Erin-ish playlist (which contains Mozart l'Opera Rock and Take That and The Ark and other delightful things) or my Allons-y playlist or the one I originally made for car ride purposes called 'Rollin' (with stuff like Imogen Heap).

Day 11 - Another picture of you and your friends


I like this photo a lot. :)

Day 12 - How you found out about LiveJournal and why you made one

It was middle school. Everyone was doing it. lol. Jamie got me into it.

Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

I don't feel like doing this. I'm not harboring any pain at the moment. lol

Day 14 - A picture of you and your family


From last summer when I went to Emerald Isle with my parents. :)

Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

1. Silly Boy- Rihanna ft. Lady Gaga
2. He Shall Feed His Flock..- Handel's Messiah
3. Fall into me- Emerson Drive
4. Stranger to the Rain- Children of Eden the musical
5. Yellow- Coldplay
6. Strong enough- Cher
7. Chai Tea Latte- Angel Taylor
8. Dancing Through Life- Wicked the musical
9. I'm Alive- Next to Normal the musical
10. Brave Enough for Love- Jane Eyre the musical

Day 16 - Another picture of yourself


This thing wants me to post a lot of photos. SO GET A LOAD OF THIS RIDIC ONE! :P

Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Bernadette Peters. To see what it feels like to be on Broadway.

Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have

Move to NYC with Erin, get our cats and fulfill all the insane things we've talked about. Be happy. Love.

Day 19 - Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Kellephant Anderbear- Yeah... coined by Katherine I believe, and now she and Erin and Sarai call me this.
Kellery- Erin Miller calls me this.
Kellephant- Erin Miller started calling me this long before the Joynerites began doing so.
Kellster- What Nicki and Linda call me, and now my screen name on many sites.
Kel- What my mother calls me.
Kewwey- What Sarai calls me.

Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Erin and I are going to have a common law/platonic marriage. And we are going to be happy as clams.

Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy


These people make me happy. :)

Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else

I am extremely genuine and sincere, and and I believe that everyone is good until proven otherwise. But occasionally that comes back to bite me in the ass, if you will.

Day 23 - Something you crave a lot

Lately, quesadillas. And frappuccino. AND COOKIES & DR PEPPER.

Day 24 - A letter to your parents

Dear parents,
Take care of each other. And try not to worry too much about me.
Love, Kelley

Day 25 - What I would find in your bag

phone, wallet, pen, ipod, particulate matter, ketchup packets, change, camera perhaps, sunglasses, keys..

Day 26 - What you think about your friends

I adore them! Duh.

Day 27 - Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN BUT IT TOOK FOREVER GAH

Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

IM NOT DOING THIS I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH THIS STUPID BLOG POST
but lemme tell ya, the past year has been incredible, and in it I have met/gotten to know some of my best friends ever.

Day 29 - In this past month, what have you learned

That media law isn't as horrible as they say.

Day 30 - Who are you

I am too many flavors for one spoon.

pressure;

OH MY GOD I AM SO STRESSED.

The coming school year might just actually kill me.

Before the semester starts, I have to find a time to take bar tending classes, sign up for them and get that DONE (and then get a hopefully VERY part-time job), create my portfolio to become a personal stylist (and then put ads on craigslist and create business cards so that I can hopefully get some clients and make some extra money), get my car inspected and my oil changed, go visit my parents, go to Carowinds with my amazing friends, move out of this house and into my apartment, talk to my boss about my work schedule for the fall, and I really want to go ahead and start looking at NYC apartments and that sort of thing so that I can worry a bit LESS about it during the school year. I ALSO need to find out when Sarai and I can go to Europe to visit Erin next year and all that stuff. BAHHH.

Then, DURING the semester, I will be producing a musical, taking a class that requires me to spend time working in the shop for the on campus professional theatre company, working backstage for said theatre company for several weeks (because of another class), working a part-time job, hopefully being a personal stylist on weekends, and perhaps hopefully also being a bar tender sometimes, oh and choir as well. I will also be preparing to visit Erin in Paris and continuing preparations to move to NYC.

I am so so stressed. I don't even know how this is all going to get done.

Edit: Another thing I want to do during the school year- create a NEW blog in which I discuss theatre at my university and write reviews of shows. Thus, create writing samples so that I can attempt to perhaps become a theatre critic in NYC.

before you, my life was a moonless night;

I have been feeling really alone lately.

I don't know what this stemmed from.. okay actually that's a lie. I totally do. But it doesn't matter anymore. It was stupid and emo.
And I wrote some stupid/emo blogs over the past couple days that I will not be posting because I am well aware that they are stupid & emo!

However, I am feeling a lot better now, a lot more whole, a lot more needed and loved and important.
Today was a fantastic day.

Anyway, Sarai, my adorable little summer roommate and amazing friend, wrote this blog post recently, and it PERFECTLY EXPLAINS the EXACT same insecurities that I have. Here it is:

"Sometimes I worry that I'll never be good enough or funny enough or awesome enough for some people and I wonder if people are bored with me or that I'm too emotional for them or that I'm not emotional enough or that I'm not interesting enough or that I don't care enough and sometimes I wish people would say these things to me because if there's one thing I hate more than anything it's not being told people's true feelings. And sometimes I wonder why I never seem to be the one that's loved the most or if it's all in my head or if all this really is real and I wonder why I'm never the first in anyone's life and why I'm never good enough and if it's just a mood swing or if it's me but then I worry I'll never know cause they'll never tell me because they don't care enough to tell me the truth and just want to keep me happy."

(I have bolded the parts that I most relate to.)
And she and I have the same personality type (ENFJ, but Sarai is actually borderline between ENFJ and ENTJ), so that explains why our inner workings are so similar.
ANYWAY, that is exactly how I've been feeling the past few days.

And I think part of it is due to my dad's health and me being worried about that.
(Speaking of which, my dad has an appointment at the fancy, out of town hospital for the beginning of August. Apparently that is the soonest they can get him in, but my mom is worried and wants to try and move up the appointment. Your continued prayers for that are immensely appreciated.)

And part of it is that most of my friends are geographically far away at the moment, and the ones who aren't are on completely different schedules than me and don't live near me so its difficult to find time to play.

I just miss everyone constantly.

And I haven't gotten to have a heart-to-heart conversation with anyone in a really long time about my life. I am really bad at those, and Taylor (God bless her)is one of the only people I will subject my venting fits to, because she is just that patient and I never worry that I'll bore her. So yeah. That has been missing from my life and causing me to take in all my feelings and inevitably over-analyze everything and its just basically a disaster when I can't talk to people about things like that.

So if you've been around me and I've seemed unstable or grumpy or quiet.. that's probably the reason.

See, the thing is, I am completely in love with my friends. COMPLETELY IN LOVE. You people have no idea how much I adore you.

Like little Sarai here. Basically everything she does is adorable just because its her. And she has become a staple in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And my love Erin, who's (rough draft) novel I have just recently gotten around to reading, and it is EPIC MOFO GOOD. I am immensely proud of her (for that, and for many other reasons). And she is going to be the next J.K. Rowling/Stephanie Meyer/John Green. And children are going to write fanfic about her stories. And we are going to sit on our fire escape balcony and read it to our cats.

And Jamie, who is spending the summer where she goes to school, and is just having fun and hanging out with her boyfriend. I am really happy for her. He is a great guy and a great fit for her in terms of personality and such. They are a cute couple. :)

I could go on, but I'll spare you.

But because I love everyone so much, I get weird whenever I feel like my feelings are not reciprocated. Because each of my close friends leads me to places I cannot see on my own. They bring me joy and light and freedom. And they make me want to journey into the Great Perhaps and leave behind my minor life of monotonous certainty in search of grander maybes, and assure me that it will be okay.

You all have made me irretrievably different.

But then when no one is around, and its just me, I feel perhapsless. Purposeless. Like I have been left in the labyrinth of life with no one to hold on to..

So, when you go
if you go
(please don't go)
I'll be stuck in the labyrinth
and I'll never know if you took the straight & fast way out..
if you left me on purpose..

People have a tendency to come into my life and make me irretrievably different and change my moonless night into a sky brimming with stars,
and then they disappear
with no explanation.
And the stars fade (just like that episode of Doctor Who).

So, now, I am constantly worried that it will happen again.
That is why I am so terrified that I am too boring for people.
Because I'm afraid they'll just walk away.

...

But I am happier now.
Today I decided to be happier
because it is not worth it to be anything other than happy and grateful.

And there is no way I'm going to be ready for my midterm on Tuesday, but whatever. Today has been fantastic.

Also, this was really long. So, you're amazing if you've made it through.
(& I hope SOMEONE recognized my 'Looking for Alaska' references ;D )

And I hope that if you read this, you are assured that A) I love you, B) I am a ridiculous mofo and C) I ramble a lot.

hold on tight;

"It feels like you or the world will never change. But I've seen you change. Both of you."

"For she had embodied the Great Perhaps- she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. I could call everything the Colonel said & did 'fine.' I could try to pretend that I didn't care anymore, but it could never be true again. You can't just make yourself matter and then die, Alaska, because now I am irretrievably different, and I'm sorry I let you go, yes, but you made the choice. You left me Perhapsless, stuck in your goddamned labyrinth. And now I don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out, if you left me like this on purpose. And so I never knew you, did I? I can't remember, because I never knew." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter