this is my now

I don't know what I think about all this.. I mean, I thought I would just write the letter, send it & be open to seeing w/e happens.. but I don't know if I am. Like. ok. If I were her, I would probably be pretty devastated to get a letter like that. Not that there is anything mean in it, but it would just be extremely difficult for me to hear that I hurt someone like that.. I don't know. & like.. maybe I am afraid of what she'll say or think and maybe I'm fine with living in this fantasy world...
Do I dwell in the past too often?
Most likely.
Catherine's music is all too perfect for this. <3 As is Kate Voegele's. Tis vunderbar.

Goodness I want to write a story.. & this has been the case for like 3 weeks now but I am severely lacking inspiration. Like, there are ideas in my head but there is no rhyme or reason or useful sequence to them. Boo.

But I need to write it because I think my next piece is going to be non-fiction... o.O
yes, this is new-ish for me. Everything I write has characters & situations inspired by those in my life but I would never say that I've written an entirely non-fiction work.. except in english class when we had to.

So yes.
That's what's up.
Peace out.

gimme gimme

So, there are these necklaces at this place called Light Years on Franklin.. & they are just simple little flat neutral colored pendants with QUOTES FROM LITERATURE ON THEM. BUHH!
I need these.
Seriously.
They're like.. the best things ever.

:)

now you've just become like everything i'll never find again

"Gone are the golden days,
just a page in my diary...
Memories are following me like a shadow now.
I've seen your act
& I know all the facts.
I'm still in love with who I wish you were,
& I wish you were here."

This is a dead end, and there is no turning back.
Is it stupid of me to wonder about this? Am I living in the past?
Probably.

But when you know someone like that...
When your life is changed in four weeks...
When you finally get used to it...
and then its over,
& you just wanna hold on
as tight as you can
to a fleeting memory.

"Its been in the past for a while
I get a flash, & then I smile.
Am I crazy? I still miss you baby...
Where does the love go? I don't know
when its all said & done
How could I be losing you forever,
after all the time we spent together.
I have to know why I had to lose you.
Now you've just become like everything I'll never find again
at the bottom of the ocean.
In a dream you appeared, for a while you were here.
So I keep sleeping, just to keep you with me.
I'll draw a map, connect the dots
with all the memories that I've got;
what I'm missing, I'll keep reliving.
Where does the love go? I don't know
when its all said & done
How could I be losing you forever,
after all the time we spent together.
I have to know why I had to lose you.
Now you've just become like everything I'll never find again
at the bottom of the ocean...
You don't have to love me for me to ever understand.
Just know that of the time that we both had;
& I don't ever wanna see you sad- Be happy...
I'll be big enough for both of us to say,
'Be happy.'"

i am too lazy to blog

Before you walked into my life, I looked at everyone differently.
When you walked out of my life, I had learned not to judge- but to give each person a chance to show themselves to me, and to love them for whoever that is.

For that, I am eternally grateful.

You knew me when...

Novel idea.
Literally.
:)

the sensation of no Novacaine

A few weeks ago, I read entirely through the diary I started when I was in 10th grade.. towards the beginning of the school year. This diary was only written in when I was feeling an extreme emotion- be it sadness, anger, nerves, depression.. or the rarest to grace its pages- bliss.
Now, here is what I have noticed.
This is the continuity in my life.
Making friends who seem great at the time, but then for one reason or another they disappear. And it seems that they are quite the opposite of me.

I don't understand what it is with people who are like "oh you're amazing ... but.. you know, we'll keep in touch and MAYBE I'll see you sometime in the future..." but MAYBE NOT. And then what? We just never see each other again??!
I don't work that way.
That is fucking nonsense.

I love people.
I cherish every single friendship that I come across... I have grown to cherish them even more because there have been SO MANY who have lied.
So much betrayal..
But nevertheless, I seem to keep on going... I keep on trusting people. And then the show ends, the school year is over, we graduate high school, we go home for summer... and poof- gone.
I guess I just shouldn't be surprised.
Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this...
but I don't work that way.

When I tell you I love you, I mean it.
When I tell you that I want to see you, I do.
When I say I miss you, its probably a lot truer than you realize.

I can't just NOT see people I love. It doesn't work for me that way.
I mean, I don't need to see you every day, or even every week or month...
Maybe once every two months? Three?

But no.

People never seem to have that time for me.

And maybe they're busy.. Maybe.

Or maybe they just don't care enough.

And hey, that's FINE! Not everyone has to want to be my bff! Just TELL ME. Saying "no, I don't really feel like it" is a perfectly acceptable reason for not wanting to do something. It is purely a choice. But saying, no I'm busy, or no, I'm broke... or no, I have a lot going on...
Seriously?
I can see right through that.
I hate it.
Be honest.

Its like breaking up.
It hurts at the time, but it is better for both people in the end, because then they know how they really feel about each other.
And that's really all I am searching for.
How you really feel.

anthem

Far in the distance this is the view from the other side.
How did I let this pass me by?
Took me for granted, planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances? My hope has died.
Please have mercy, you've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain.
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.
Thinking it over, those were days dark as ebony nights.
The end of October felt like a lifetime
I had a suspicion, but didn't want to believe you a liar
You had a mission to prove me right.
You took my trust- Ground it to dust.
Found out I knew better.
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.
And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
And I'm so tired of explaining the sensation of no Novocain
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.
I don't have a prayer if there is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part.
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.

[kate voegele, devil in me]
-----
ps yesterday was my 1 year anniversary of Company.