i drink coffee like water and i still never know what to say;

I am in a mood. I am in a very moody mood, brought on by a plethora of random coincidences, such as work today was really hectic, and it will be the same way tomorrow; I am way behind on schoolwork and super worried about getting the classes I need for next semester. And everyone just seems to be SO DAMN HAPPY and I am just pissed and I feel like no one will understand what's really bothering me.

What's really bothering me is that I am having a self esteem crisis.
I honestly thought I was past this. I thought that after Stacy London taught me how to love myself, that I would be able to, and that it would last no matter what. But it is faltering now. I am back to like.. where I was when I was a child. I know who I am, but I hate what I see on the outside.
I feel fat and gross. I hate it. I hate trying on clothes and having to deal with it. I tried on dresses today and I didn't even want to look in the mirror.
I hate that you'll read this and want to help
I hate that my thoughts may break your heart
just stop reading this now.
I don't usually feel this way
in fact, I never feel this way.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

I wish Stacy London still accepted DMs on twitter..

its not meant to be like this;

1. Its weird. I feel like I don't really have many close friends anymore. Maybe its just because I'm so busy and I never get to see people... but I am just kind of floating through life right now with no one I can 100%, all the time rely on. I feel like I don't really have anyone to turn to. And I am more perplexed by that than distraught. Because just a couple months ago if you had asked me, I would have said that I have SO MANY best friends who I feel like I can always turn to... No I feel there are virtually none. I mean, you guys are going to read this and get all concerned. But please don't. I think its just me being busy and people getting closer to other people... out of sight out of mind perhaps. This is a weird feeling though. I have never felt like this before. Kind of like the only one (besides God of course and my parents) who is always going to be here for me, is me. Hm.

2. I went to a necklace sale at Charlotte Russe yesterday with Sarai and bought four sper cute necklaces. I luhh dem.

3. Lots of times I decide I am a fatass and I set dieting/working out goals for myself and stuff.. and then like two days later I decide that I really like to eat and I am confident in myself and don't need to be bothered with setting crazy expectations. And then I eat a sandwich.

4. The nights when I want nothing more than to go to bed early are ALWAYS the nights I have the most work to do.

5. I want to go to an Ashram in India.. and also I want to go to Italy and learn how to properly do nothing.. aka without having the internet in front of me all the time..and eat a LOT.

though scattered & divided, we are still its heart;

So I just found out that the class I skipped on Friday to sleep in DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN. Ohhhh how I win at life.

Also, I just want to say that I know who I am. I am happy with life. And I am extremely proud of the thought/reality that Stacy London knows who I am, and was happy to see me the other day. That means more to me than anyone probably realizes. Even though that probably sounds really vain.

And there is more I need to say, but this whole daylight savings thing is throwing me off and I feel like its bedtime now. lol

these streets will make you feel brand new;

I can't stop staring at the picture from yesterday of me & Stace. Is that weird and/or completely shallow?!

She's just so damn cool.
I love herrrrr.
Gah.

How about I move to NYC now and somehow become a personal stylist and Stacy and I can become bffs for REAL.

That would be nice.

no i mean it really shut up really;

What a glorious day it was today.
I skipped my 8am class, which was probably a dumb decision, but sleeping was really feeling good and I just could not bear to get up.
So I got up at like 9:40, showered, and then Sarai came over and we got ready (after she COVERED my room in outfit options) and we picked out a cute outfit for her and I stole one of her cute shirts (THAT ACTUALLY FITS ME REALLY WELL) and we were off to the Tanger Outlets!
All was well, until we got to about half a mile BEFORE the exit off 40, and then realized there was a line of cars sitting on the side of the highway to get off the exit. It was ridic. We sat there in traffing jamming to Pink & Taio Cruz and stuff and tweeted at Stacy a LOT and then after about 40 minutes of sitting there, we finally made it out of the line and off the highway... and then I had to park IN A DITCH and then we had to walk like 3 blocks to get to the mall.. gah. lol. SO we got there, and went to this tent where we assumed Stacy was, and YES SHE WAS THERE.. A boring middle aged man had to talk about the outlets and stuff and then there was some more talking and then Stacy got to talk and then they exploded some confetti & such.. and then Sarai and I had to lurk about while Stacy talked to some important people onstage... and of course we crept up to the front of the tent/room and then as Stacy walked off the stage I tapped her and she turned around and was like "Kelley! You're here! I'm so glad you came!" And I was like "Of course I came- I HAD to!!" and then I introduced her to Sarai and we chatted for a moment and Stacy said that I looked gorgeous... :DD (AND Stacy explained to Mr. Tanger himsef, "This is one of my twitter girls! Kel & I go way back."), and then Stacy had to go do an interview but she said to stay put. So we did, and then she returned to us and asked if we were going to come see her "later this afternoon" and I said YES OF COURSE I HOPE and we discussed where she was going to be and such, and then we peaced out and Stace had to go to this VIP lunch thing. So Sarai and I were totes starving so we decided to go find food. HOWEVER, on our way to finding food, we found the line to meet Stacy which was already really long (40 minutes before the meet & greet), so Sarai went off to buy giant pretzels and I saved the spot in line.
Sarai returned with FOUR giant pretzels- a pizza one, an original, a cinnamon sugar and a jalepeno- and we ate them immediately, at lightning speed.
We waited in the line, and finally we got up there to see Stacy. She was signing SUPER cute headshots for everyone and when we got to the front of the line Stacy was VERY confused by how to spell the name "Sarai with an I" ..but she eventually understood. ALSO she said that she had checked twitter and seen our tweets, which caused her to write "Sorry for the traffic" on Sarai's picture.. lol. I asked if we could get pictures and Stacy explained to whoever may have been listening that she & I were twitter friends, and then Sarai got a photo with her, .. OH, I should also add that as Stacy came around to the front of the table to take photos with us, she saw my cup and said "What are you drinking?" I replied, very casually, "Cherry Coke. You want some?" She said "Aw I don't like cherry coke" WHICH WAS SO SAD BECAUSE I WAS THAT CLOSE TO HAVING HER DRINK OUT OF MY EFFING STRAW Y'ALL. (For the record, I don't like cherry coke either, but it was the only thing they had that was remotely good)
Anyway, we only got to talk to Stacy for a little while, but it was an AMAZING experience, of course, and a wonderful day, and I would not have changed one bit of it.. except maybe gotten there earlier to avoid traffic. lol.
It was wonderful.
I love Stacy London.

for you, a thousand times over;

One thing you need to understand about me is that I am done chasing people who aren't interested. Done. Be it a friend or a potential more-than-friend, I am not running after you. If you show no interest in me at all, don't expect me to hold up the entire relationship with one hand. It can't be done, and I refuse to try. Its not fair.
Also, don't try to walk all over me. I am done with that too.. In fact, I have been done with that for a WHILE. It is not going to work.

One other thing you need to understand about me is that I have been incredibly (and CONSTANTLY) overwhelmed with my life all semester. I work 20 hours a week at my part time job, I am in classes, I have homework, I am doing a show, and I work once a week in the scene shop... I have zero free time. I haven't even been to the GROCERY store since THE BEGINNING OF AUGUST. Its a little bit ridiculous. Anyway, because of all this, I feel like I have sort of lost touch with all my lovely friends. And for that I am very sorry. I hate always having to turn down spending time with people because I always have somewhere else I have to be. It sucks. But I mean, don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful for my busy life- especially my job. I adore everyone I work with and I really don't mind being there.. I just hate being sleep deprived and stuff.

NEVERTHELESS, I would like to apologize to anyone I have inadvertently blown off over the past few months. I am very scattered. Its not you, its me.

Also uhmm best conversational exchange EVER at work today between me & little cute hobbit man I adore:
Him: Sorry about that.
Me: Oh, you're fine!
Him: Thank you!
Me: Why you're welcome!

...*_*

<33333333

OK.
Anyway.
I want to get some Sarah Dessen books and read them, and also John Green's 'An Abundance of Katherines' ... ANNNDDD I GET TO SEE STACY LONDON TOMORROW.

Also, contrary to what the majority of this blog would have you believe, I am happy. And I look for the beauty in each day, and I find it. :) I hope all of you are able to say the same.

if you'll excuse an expression I use;

I'm as corny as Kansas in August
high as the flag on the fourth of July.
*_*


"Here's to all the places we went. And all the places we'll go. And here's to me, whispering again and again: I love you." -John Green, An Abundance of Katherines