OH MY GOD I AM SO STRESSED.
The coming school year might just actually kill me.
Before the semester starts, I have to find a time to take bar tending classes, sign up for them and get that DONE (and then get a hopefully VERY part-time job), create my portfolio to become a personal stylist (and then put ads on craigslist and create business cards so that I can hopefully get some clients and make some extra money), get my car inspected and my oil changed, go visit my parents, go to Carowinds with my amazing friends, move out of this house and into my apartment, talk to my boss about my work schedule for the fall, and I really want to go ahead and start looking at NYC apartments and that sort of thing so that I can worry a bit LESS about it during the school year. I ALSO need to find out when Sarai and I can go to Europe to visit Erin next year and all that stuff. BAHHH.
Then, DURING the semester, I will be producing a musical, taking a class that requires me to spend time working in the shop for the on campus professional theatre company, working backstage for said theatre company for several weeks (because of another class), working a part-time job, hopefully being a personal stylist on weekends, and perhaps hopefully also being a bar tender sometimes, oh and choir as well. I will also be preparing to visit Erin in Paris and continuing preparations to move to NYC.
I am so so stressed. I don't even know how this is all going to get done.
Edit: Another thing I want to do during the school year- create a NEW blog in which I discuss theatre at my university and write reviews of shows. Thus, create writing samples so that I can attempt to perhaps become a theatre critic in NYC.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
before you, my life was a moonless night;
I have been feeling really alone lately.
I don't know what this stemmed from.. okay actually that's a lie. I totally do. But it doesn't matter anymore. It was stupid and emo.
And I wrote some stupid/emo blogs over the past couple days that I will not be posting because I am well aware that they are stupid & emo!
However, I am feeling a lot better now, a lot more whole, a lot more needed and loved and important.
Today was a fantastic day.
Anyway, Sarai, my adorable little summer roommate and amazing friend, wrote this blog post recently, and it PERFECTLY EXPLAINS the EXACT same insecurities that I have. Here it is:
"Sometimes I worry that I'll never be good enough or funny enough or awesome enough for some people and I wonder if people are bored with me or that I'm too emotional for them or that I'm not emotional enough or that I'm not interesting enough or that I don't care enough and sometimes I wish people would say these things to me because if there's one thing I hate more than anything it's not being told people's true feelings. And sometimes I wonder why I never seem to be the one that's loved the most or if it's all in my head or if all this really is real and I wonder why I'm never the first in anyone's life and why I'm never good enough and if it's just a mood swing or if it's me but then I worry I'll never know cause they'll never tell me because they don't care enough to tell me the truth and just want to keep me happy."
(I have bolded the parts that I most relate to.)
And she and I have the same personality type (ENFJ, but Sarai is actually borderline between ENFJ and ENTJ), so that explains why our inner workings are so similar.
ANYWAY, that is exactly how I've been feeling the past few days.
And I think part of it is due to my dad's health and me being worried about that.
(Speaking of which, my dad has an appointment at the fancy, out of town hospital for the beginning of August. Apparently that is the soonest they can get him in, but my mom is worried and wants to try and move up the appointment. Your continued prayers for that are immensely appreciated.)
And part of it is that most of my friends are geographically far away at the moment, and the ones who aren't are on completely different schedules than me and don't live near me so its difficult to find time to play.
I just miss everyone constantly.
And I haven't gotten to have a heart-to-heart conversation with anyone in a really long time about my life. I am really bad at those, and Taylor (God bless her)is one of the only people I will subject my venting fits to, because she is just that patient and I never worry that I'll bore her. So yeah. That has been missing from my life and causing me to take in all my feelings and inevitably over-analyze everything and its just basically a disaster when I can't talk to people about things like that.
So if you've been around me and I've seemed unstable or grumpy or quiet.. that's probably the reason.
See, the thing is, I am completely in love with my friends. COMPLETELY IN LOVE. You people have no idea how much I adore you.
Like little Sarai here. Basically everything she does is adorable just because its her. And she has become a staple in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
And my love Erin, who's (rough draft) novel I have just recently gotten around to reading, and it is EPIC MOFO GOOD. I am immensely proud of her (for that, and for many other reasons). And she is going to be the next J.K. Rowling/Stephanie Meyer/John Green. And children are going to write fanfic about her stories. And we are going to sit on our fire escape balcony and read it to our cats.
And Jamie, who is spending the summer where she goes to school, and is just having fun and hanging out with her boyfriend. I am really happy for her. He is a great guy and a great fit for her in terms of personality and such. They are a cute couple. :)
I could go on, but I'll spare you.
But because I love everyone so much, I get weird whenever I feel like my feelings are not reciprocated. Because each of my close friends leads me to places I cannot see on my own. They bring me joy and light and freedom. And they make me want to journey into the Great Perhaps and leave behind my minor life of monotonous certainty in search of grander maybes, and assure me that it will be okay.
You all have made me irretrievably different.
But then when no one is around, and its just me, I feel perhapsless. Purposeless. Like I have been left in the labyrinth of life with no one to hold on to..
So, when you go
if you go
(please don't go)
I'll be stuck in the labyrinth
and I'll never know if you took the straight & fast way out..
if you left me on purpose..
People have a tendency to come into my life and make me irretrievably different and change my moonless night into a sky brimming with stars,
and then they disappear
with no explanation.
And the stars fade (just like that episode of Doctor Who).
So, now, I am constantly worried that it will happen again.
That is why I am so terrified that I am too boring for people.
Because I'm afraid they'll just walk away.
...
But I am happier now.
Today I decided to be happier
because it is not worth it to be anything other than happy and grateful.
And there is no way I'm going to be ready for my midterm on Tuesday, but whatever. Today has been fantastic.
Also, this was really long. So, you're amazing if you've made it through.
(& I hope SOMEONE recognized my 'Looking for Alaska' references ;D )
And I hope that if you read this, you are assured that A) I love you, B) I am a ridiculous mofo and C) I ramble a lot.
I don't know what this stemmed from.. okay actually that's a lie. I totally do. But it doesn't matter anymore. It was stupid and emo.
And I wrote some stupid/emo blogs over the past couple days that I will not be posting because I am well aware that they are stupid & emo!
However, I am feeling a lot better now, a lot more whole, a lot more needed and loved and important.
Today was a fantastic day.
Anyway, Sarai, my adorable little summer roommate and amazing friend, wrote this blog post recently, and it PERFECTLY EXPLAINS the EXACT same insecurities that I have. Here it is:
"Sometimes I worry that I'll never be good enough or funny enough or awesome enough for some people and I wonder if people are bored with me or that I'm too emotional for them or that I'm not emotional enough or that I'm not interesting enough or that I don't care enough and sometimes I wish people would say these things to me because if there's one thing I hate more than anything it's not being told people's true feelings. And sometimes I wonder why I never seem to be the one that's loved the most or if it's all in my head or if all this really is real and I wonder why I'm never the first in anyone's life and why I'm never good enough and if it's just a mood swing or if it's me but then I worry I'll never know cause they'll never tell me because they don't care enough to tell me the truth and just want to keep me happy."
(I have bolded the parts that I most relate to.)
And she and I have the same personality type (ENFJ, but Sarai is actually borderline between ENFJ and ENTJ), so that explains why our inner workings are so similar.
ANYWAY, that is exactly how I've been feeling the past few days.
And I think part of it is due to my dad's health and me being worried about that.
(Speaking of which, my dad has an appointment at the fancy, out of town hospital for the beginning of August. Apparently that is the soonest they can get him in, but my mom is worried and wants to try and move up the appointment. Your continued prayers for that are immensely appreciated.)
And part of it is that most of my friends are geographically far away at the moment, and the ones who aren't are on completely different schedules than me and don't live near me so its difficult to find time to play.
I just miss everyone constantly.
And I haven't gotten to have a heart-to-heart conversation with anyone in a really long time about my life. I am really bad at those, and Taylor (God bless her)is one of the only people I will subject my venting fits to, because she is just that patient and I never worry that I'll bore her. So yeah. That has been missing from my life and causing me to take in all my feelings and inevitably over-analyze everything and its just basically a disaster when I can't talk to people about things like that.
So if you've been around me and I've seemed unstable or grumpy or quiet.. that's probably the reason.
See, the thing is, I am completely in love with my friends. COMPLETELY IN LOVE. You people have no idea how much I adore you.
Like little Sarai here. Basically everything she does is adorable just because its her. And she has become a staple in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
And my love Erin, who's (rough draft) novel I have just recently gotten around to reading, and it is EPIC MOFO GOOD. I am immensely proud of her (for that, and for many other reasons). And she is going to be the next J.K. Rowling/Stephanie Meyer/John Green. And children are going to write fanfic about her stories. And we are going to sit on our fire escape balcony and read it to our cats.
And Jamie, who is spending the summer where she goes to school, and is just having fun and hanging out with her boyfriend. I am really happy for her. He is a great guy and a great fit for her in terms of personality and such. They are a cute couple. :)
I could go on, but I'll spare you.
But because I love everyone so much, I get weird whenever I feel like my feelings are not reciprocated. Because each of my close friends leads me to places I cannot see on my own. They bring me joy and light and freedom. And they make me want to journey into the Great Perhaps and leave behind my minor life of monotonous certainty in search of grander maybes, and assure me that it will be okay.
You all have made me irretrievably different.
But then when no one is around, and its just me, I feel perhapsless. Purposeless. Like I have been left in the labyrinth of life with no one to hold on to..
So, when you go
if you go
(please don't go)
I'll be stuck in the labyrinth
and I'll never know if you took the straight & fast way out..
if you left me on purpose..
People have a tendency to come into my life and make me irretrievably different and change my moonless night into a sky brimming with stars,
and then they disappear
with no explanation.
And the stars fade (just like that episode of Doctor Who).
So, now, I am constantly worried that it will happen again.
That is why I am so terrified that I am too boring for people.
Because I'm afraid they'll just walk away.
...
But I am happier now.
Today I decided to be happier
because it is not worth it to be anything other than happy and grateful.
And there is no way I'm going to be ready for my midterm on Tuesday, but whatever. Today has been fantastic.
Also, this was really long. So, you're amazing if you've made it through.
(& I hope SOMEONE recognized my 'Looking for Alaska' references ;D )
And I hope that if you read this, you are assured that A) I love you, B) I am a ridiculous mofo and C) I ramble a lot.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
hold on tight;
"It feels like you or the world will never change. But I've seen you change. Both of you."
"For she had embodied the Great Perhaps- she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. I could call everything the Colonel said & did 'fine.' I could try to pretend that I didn't care anymore, but it could never be true again. You can't just make yourself matter and then die, Alaska, because now I am irretrievably different, and I'm sorry I let you go, yes, but you made the choice. You left me Perhapsless, stuck in your goddamned labyrinth. And now I don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out, if you left me like this on purpose. And so I never knew you, did I? I can't remember, because I never knew." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter
"For she had embodied the Great Perhaps- she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. I could call everything the Colonel said & did 'fine.' I could try to pretend that I didn't care anymore, but it could never be true again. You can't just make yourself matter and then die, Alaska, because now I am irretrievably different, and I'm sorry I let you go, yes, but you made the choice. You left me Perhapsless, stuck in your goddamned labyrinth. And now I don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out, if you left me like this on purpose. And so I never knew you, did I? I can't remember, because I never knew." -Miles 'Pudge' Halter
Thursday, July 8, 2010
every rose has its thorn;
If you had 3 wishes but each took 3 years off your life, what would you wish for?
Well, first I would need to know how long I would live without these wishes... Because if I'm going to live to be like 97 then I could potentially afford such a thing, but if I'm going to die young then I would not take this offer. However, 3 wishes...
For my dad's health to get better.
To be financially stable and therefore not have to worry about money.
And to live the dream in NYC with Erin. (even though that's already definitely happening.)
What makes you happy?
my friends, being able to make someone smile, laughter, Doctor Who, David Tennant, accents, cute clothes, road trips, inside jokes, outings with friends... many things!
Living alone with tons of money or living with your soul mate in a shelter?
How about living with my BFF in a cardboard TARDIS under a bridge?! :D
Losing the love of your life, or never finding them at all?
I am inclined to say never finding them at all. But I feel like that's a stupid answer. So.. I have no idea.
Saying something you regret, or saying nothing and regretting it?
I've done both, but its probably better to say nothing and regret it.
Whats the hardest goodbye you've ever had to do?
I hate goodbyes. So, all of them? But one of the hardest was after I was in the musical 'Ragtime' in 10th grade and had to say goodbye to my bff/"mom" Susan.. because I knew that after that our friendship would never be the same. And she changed my life pretty drastically.
Who is the single most amazing person you have known?
There have been a lot. :) Each amazing in a different way.
Where do you want to be in 10 years time?
NYC. Where else?! I also hope that I have a pretty kickin' career... that would be helpful.
If you could go back and relive one year of your life, which would it be?
This past year. Knowing what I know now, there is a lot I would do differently.
Have you ever loved someone only for them not to love you?
Well yeah. Of course.
Do you feel that everyone is capable of feeling love?
I don't think everyone is capable of knowing or understanding the purest form of unconditional love, because I believe that you have to know and understand the love of Christ in order to show and feel that kind of love.
Name 5 things in your life that you are thankful for:
friends
family
love
passion
laughter
What is something in this world you feel is overrated?
Tanning. Fitting in. Overachieving. Marriage.
What can a person do to you that you will not forgive them for?
I forgive pretty easily. But it is hard for me to see someone in the same light I saw them before they did whatever was so upsetting.. if that makes sense. But anyway, so far, all is forgiven.
Pick a quote that you can relate to. Why can you relate with it?
"You are an end product of time. And time will always take its toll. Never regret the price you pay to become who you are." -IWTFY
..I think everyone can relate to that. We all have a story, and we all grow based on the choices we make and the people we meet.
Do you believe that any miracles have happend so far in your life? If so what were they?
I believe that every day is a miracle in itself. :)
And love, friendship, people... all miracles.
Do you think you have succeeded or failed so far in your life?
Succeeded I suppose. But there have of course been some epic fail moments.
If somebody were to look deep into your eyes, what would they feel/see?:
Faith, love, hope, compassion, empathy, curiosity
What personality trait has gotten you into the most trouble?
Hm. Good question. Depends how you define 'trouble' I suppose.. I'm not really sure.
What is the epitome of beauty in your eyes?
people who keep on fighting and smiling and remaining true to themselves despite extremely difficult circumstances.
What has been your greatest struggle?
Its a struggle every time my dad has to go to the hospital...
Do you cry when you get an injury?
haha I suppose it depends on the injury. But usually I suppress the pain and try not to.
If you could ask your partner any question, what would it be?
uhm.. I don't have a "partner"..
What is your most cherished possession? (PEOPLE aren't possessions.)
There are a lot. The pictures on my wall, my photo album, my shark hat, my wardrobe (because it would be quite difficult to replace)... I am probably too protective over material things. But I think that is probably because I know I would never have the money to replace any of it.
Do you fall in love easily or does it take a while?
I am quite intuitive and a really good judge of character. So it is usually a quick process.
When was the last time you talked to God
Yesterday
Live with ______ in your heart.
hope.
If you died tomorrow what would you want to happen today?
I would just want to be with my friends and be happy and laugh a lot.
Who has influenced you the most?
My theatre family, the Muffett family, a few special teachers, and my closest friends.
Whats your longest relationship been?
Well, Jamie and I have been friends since we were 8 months old... That's pretty significant, right?!
Whats one thing you'd never do?
Poop out the window of a moving vehicle.
If you could represent one deadly sin, what would it be?
I have no idea. I just googled them because I couldn't remember what they are.. and I don't know. I would prefer not to represent any of them!
What is the overall personal quality you look for in a potential mate?
Ohhh uh. Hm. Niceness, hottness, David Tennant-ness... haha.
What is the number one problem you have with yourself?
I'm not good at verbalizing my thoughts or feelings.
What are you looking for in life?
Love, happiness... nothing too complicated.
If you could be anywhere right now with one person, who would it be and where?
At Tiny Dog's house with Erin & Sarai. Those mofos. Watching Doctor Who all day and I am stuck here attempting (& failing) to do homework.
Whats the one moment in your life that you think had the biggest impact? Positively? Negatively?
Positive - Too many. I can't pinpoint anything.
Negative - Uh. There have been a few. I don't know.
Have you ever felt like just giving up on everything?
Yeah.
How far would you go to protect the people you care about?
pretty mofo far!
Would you die for another person if it saved their life?
Absolutely.
What is the best way to get rid of an enemy?
I don't know, but the way to avoid acquiring them is to love everyone, but then if they turn out to be a poo face, just walk away before they destroy you.
Have you ever known someone who commited suicide?
no
What can make you smile no matter what?
Erin Ruth Maness!!
And finally is there any last words you wanna say to anyone?
Uh.. ? I don't know! HI! :D
Well, first I would need to know how long I would live without these wishes... Because if I'm going to live to be like 97 then I could potentially afford such a thing, but if I'm going to die young then I would not take this offer. However, 3 wishes...
For my dad's health to get better.
To be financially stable and therefore not have to worry about money.
And to live the dream in NYC with Erin. (even though that's already definitely happening.)
What makes you happy?
my friends, being able to make someone smile, laughter, Doctor Who, David Tennant, accents, cute clothes, road trips, inside jokes, outings with friends... many things!
Living alone with tons of money or living with your soul mate in a shelter?
How about living with my BFF in a cardboard TARDIS under a bridge?! :D
Losing the love of your life, or never finding them at all?
I am inclined to say never finding them at all. But I feel like that's a stupid answer. So.. I have no idea.
Saying something you regret, or saying nothing and regretting it?
I've done both, but its probably better to say nothing and regret it.
Whats the hardest goodbye you've ever had to do?
I hate goodbyes. So, all of them? But one of the hardest was after I was in the musical 'Ragtime' in 10th grade and had to say goodbye to my bff/"mom" Susan.. because I knew that after that our friendship would never be the same. And she changed my life pretty drastically.
Who is the single most amazing person you have known?
There have been a lot. :) Each amazing in a different way.
Where do you want to be in 10 years time?
NYC. Where else?! I also hope that I have a pretty kickin' career... that would be helpful.
If you could go back and relive one year of your life, which would it be?
This past year. Knowing what I know now, there is a lot I would do differently.
Have you ever loved someone only for them not to love you?
Well yeah. Of course.
Do you feel that everyone is capable of feeling love?
I don't think everyone is capable of knowing or understanding the purest form of unconditional love, because I believe that you have to know and understand the love of Christ in order to show and feel that kind of love.
Name 5 things in your life that you are thankful for:
friends
family
love
passion
laughter
What is something in this world you feel is overrated?
Tanning. Fitting in. Overachieving. Marriage.
What can a person do to you that you will not forgive them for?
I forgive pretty easily. But it is hard for me to see someone in the same light I saw them before they did whatever was so upsetting.. if that makes sense. But anyway, so far, all is forgiven.
Pick a quote that you can relate to. Why can you relate with it?
"You are an end product of time. And time will always take its toll. Never regret the price you pay to become who you are." -IWTFY
..I think everyone can relate to that. We all have a story, and we all grow based on the choices we make and the people we meet.
Do you believe that any miracles have happend so far in your life? If so what were they?
I believe that every day is a miracle in itself. :)
And love, friendship, people... all miracles.
Do you think you have succeeded or failed so far in your life?
Succeeded I suppose. But there have of course been some epic fail moments.
If somebody were to look deep into your eyes, what would they feel/see?:
Faith, love, hope, compassion, empathy, curiosity
What personality trait has gotten you into the most trouble?
Hm. Good question. Depends how you define 'trouble' I suppose.. I'm not really sure.
What is the epitome of beauty in your eyes?
people who keep on fighting and smiling and remaining true to themselves despite extremely difficult circumstances.
What has been your greatest struggle?
Its a struggle every time my dad has to go to the hospital...
Do you cry when you get an injury?
haha I suppose it depends on the injury. But usually I suppress the pain and try not to.
If you could ask your partner any question, what would it be?
uhm.. I don't have a "partner"..
What is your most cherished possession? (PEOPLE aren't possessions.)
There are a lot. The pictures on my wall, my photo album, my shark hat, my wardrobe (because it would be quite difficult to replace)... I am probably too protective over material things. But I think that is probably because I know I would never have the money to replace any of it.
Do you fall in love easily or does it take a while?
I am quite intuitive and a really good judge of character. So it is usually a quick process.
When was the last time you talked to God
Yesterday
Live with ______ in your heart.
hope.
If you died tomorrow what would you want to happen today?
I would just want to be with my friends and be happy and laugh a lot.
Who has influenced you the most?
My theatre family, the Muffett family, a few special teachers, and my closest friends.
Whats your longest relationship been?
Well, Jamie and I have been friends since we were 8 months old... That's pretty significant, right?!
Whats one thing you'd never do?
Poop out the window of a moving vehicle.
If you could represent one deadly sin, what would it be?
I have no idea. I just googled them because I couldn't remember what they are.. and I don't know. I would prefer not to represent any of them!
What is the overall personal quality you look for in a potential mate?
Ohhh uh. Hm. Niceness, hottness, David Tennant-ness... haha.
What is the number one problem you have with yourself?
I'm not good at verbalizing my thoughts or feelings.
What are you looking for in life?
Love, happiness... nothing too complicated.
If you could be anywhere right now with one person, who would it be and where?
At Tiny Dog's house with Erin & Sarai. Those mofos. Watching Doctor Who all day and I am stuck here attempting (& failing) to do homework.
Whats the one moment in your life that you think had the biggest impact? Positively? Negatively?
Positive - Too many. I can't pinpoint anything.
Negative - Uh. There have been a few. I don't know.
Have you ever felt like just giving up on everything?
Yeah.
How far would you go to protect the people you care about?
pretty mofo far!
Would you die for another person if it saved their life?
Absolutely.
What is the best way to get rid of an enemy?
I don't know, but the way to avoid acquiring them is to love everyone, but then if they turn out to be a poo face, just walk away before they destroy you.
Have you ever known someone who commited suicide?
no
What can make you smile no matter what?
Erin Ruth Maness!!
And finally is there any last words you wanna say to anyone?
Uh.. ? I don't know! HI! :D
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
paper heart;
I am basically a nervous wreck.
I found out today that my father has congestive heart failure and has to go to a fancier hospital to get it checked out and he also has to get his aortic valve replaced. GAH.
This is scary.
He has been through similar things before... When I was in 3rd grade he had a triple bypass, and then freshman year of college (over Thanksgiving break) he had a stroke, and was then diagnosed with diabetes.
Since then, he has been eating better but not exercising like he should, and now this is happening.
Its just basically really terrifying.
Its really weird.
Because I go home now and my father has no energy and can't do much of anything without shortness of breath.
I'm scared.
And meanwhile, I am dealing with my own stupid life and EFFING MEDIA LAW and not having a job and needing to get my car looked at... And those are all dumb, trivial things.. but they are things that need to be dealt with either way.
And I am a nervous wreck.
As I said.
Prayers are very much appreciated.
<3
I found out today that my father has congestive heart failure and has to go to a fancier hospital to get it checked out and he also has to get his aortic valve replaced. GAH.
This is scary.
He has been through similar things before... When I was in 3rd grade he had a triple bypass, and then freshman year of college (over Thanksgiving break) he had a stroke, and was then diagnosed with diabetes.
Since then, he has been eating better but not exercising like he should, and now this is happening.
Its just basically really terrifying.
Its really weird.
Because I go home now and my father has no energy and can't do much of anything without shortness of breath.
I'm scared.
And meanwhile, I am dealing with my own stupid life and EFFING MEDIA LAW and not having a job and needing to get my car looked at... And those are all dumb, trivial things.. but they are things that need to be dealt with either way.
And I am a nervous wreck.
As I said.
Prayers are very much appreciated.
<3
Sunday, July 4, 2010
you don't get to get me back
"No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms"
-Christina Perri, 'Jar of Hearts'
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms"
-Christina Perri, 'Jar of Hearts'
I did this in an hour. Not 30 days.
I love these... a 30 day meme!!
Day 01 - A fun fact about yourself that no one would ever guess.
I feel like I am really predictable and most of my friends would probably not be surprised by anything about me... uh... I guess, since I just said that, my fact is going to be something kind of contradictory to that- which is, Jamie is basically the only one of my friends who knows anything about my pre-college life. I just never really talk about stuff because A) I think its boring and B) I would really rather hear my friends talk than talk about stuff that won't matter to them at all.
Day 02 - Something that inspires you.
Amazing quotes and song lyrics.. I am basically a quote whore. Namely, pleasefindthis.blogspot.com brings me inspiration 5 days a week! Also, my friends inspire me. :)
Day 03 - The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why.
Is this even possible to answer?!? Gah! Uhm.. at this moment, the 5 I would most like would be:
-King of Anything by Sara Bareilles
-Bulletproof by LaRoux (the dance mix)
-We'll Be a Dream by We the Kings and Demi Lovato
-Hometown Glory by Adele
-Superboy and the Invisible Girl from the musical Next to Normal
...but I love music too much to not have a constant variety.. so.. I'm not sure how well this would work out.
Day 04 - What you imagine paradise to be like.
This may sound stupid, but I kind of think of it somewhat like it was presented in the novel, "The Lovely Bones" where each person has their own perfect little place and sees everything how they would want it to be. Like, I would have a city-ish place... and then someone who really liked the beach would have a beach, and stuff like that. I just think it is completely personal. And stuff. And I really want to believe that you will remember your family and friends and get to see them there.
Day 05 - A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life.
Dear you,
I hope and pray that I bring you as much happiness as you bring me every single day. If I had to describe you in one word and one word only, it would be 'beautiful,' because I believe that you carry your heavy heart with such grace. You exemplify a mature and loving heart when you are able to get through very awkward and rough situations in a manner I just do not have the couth, or the emotional strength, for. I admire you more than you know. I know you have been through some horrible times, and I wish that you would confide in me more, because I consider myself a safe and trustworthy person and I would love to help you if you would let me in. You bring me so much laughter, and it never fails to make me both very pleased and very proud when I can make you laugh too. Your hugs are my favorite and I love how you take life in such stride. Thank you for dealing with me, because I know that its not always easy. Never deny yourself the opportunity to walk tall in the knowledge of your own true beauty. I love you, and I wish you knew how beautiful you are- inside and out.
xo, me
Day 06 - Earliest thing you can remember.
I never have good answers for this... My 4th birthday? Sometime in pre-school when I was like 3? I have no idea.
Day 07 - Favorite cover of your favorite song.
OH SNAP so I don't have a favorite song per se, but this cover (done by a group at my school) is FLIPPIN FANTASTIC.
Day 08 - Someone you think would make a good president.
I have no idea. Maybe Oprah. haha.
Day 09 - Five things you want to see change.
1. Some of my current friendship dynamics that cause me to have to walk on eggshells. Its annoying and unnecessary.
2. I would like to be less sleepy and thirsty than I am now.
3. I would like it if people would stop being mean to any and all of my friends. Its getting a little bit ridiculous, and there is only so many times we can have the same effing drama over and over.
4. I would like there to be less hate in the world.
5. I would like more people to be sincere & genuine.
Day 10 - A dream you had this past week described in detail.
I described that John Barrowman dream a few posts ago. Go look. :)
Day 11 - Favorite picture ever taken of yourself.
I am not 100% sure that's my fav, but it is definitely one of the best. This is the dress I wore senior year of high school when I was in the ensemble of Cinderella at CFRT. Catherine and I named it my 1983-Belle-Gone-Wrong dress. :)
Day 12 - An inside joke.
CAKES & BABIES.
Day 13 - A memory that never fails to make you laugh.
Uhmm basically all the memories of antics and road trips and improv games and classic times with Jamie Muffett will never ever fail to make me laugh, ever.
Day 14 - Best mashup you’ve ever heard.
I am pretty sure my favorite mashup is the top 25 of 2009, which is this:
HOWEVER, I want the 2010 one to be better.. and I think it will be.
Day 15 - A moment, phrase, or song that has changed your life the most.
There have been way too many. But 2 things that have stuck with me for a really long time are the following:
1. When I was watching some episode of Oprah one day when I was like 14 or 15 and I think it was about some addiction (drugs, alcohol, heck it may have been a food addiction) but Oprah said something about how all sorts of addictions have this commonality, and for example, a shopping addict cannot look at a drug addict and say, "At least I'm not like THOSE people!" because they are exactly the same. Both addictions are harmful, and both people are struggling with coping through it.
This was a big moment for me, and since then I have never referred to any group negatively and separated them from myself like that. We are all a lot more alike than we are different.
2. When I was in 'To Kill a Mockingbird' in 9th grade, the last lines of the play were Scout saying something about how the enigmatic and seemingly creepy Boo Radley was actually really nice, and Atticus says, "Most people are, Scout, once you finally see them."
That play/book is absolutely beautiful, and really helped me become A) extremely interested in African American history, and B) it taught me never to judge others.
Day 16 - Something that you want to do within the next five years.
Move to NYC with my BFF Erin. Fall 2011. Stoked.
Day 17 - What you want to remembered for.
I want to be remembered for the love I showed other people, and the smiles I hopefully put on their faces. I want people to remember the good times they had with me, and to hopefully look at photos of us or notes I have written them and laugh because of some ridiculous inside joke or adventure we had. I want to be remembered as an advocate for radical love and hope.
Day 18 - A picture that makes you feel inspired.
This: http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l3kuhrl13W1qzu9iro1_1280.png?AWSAccessKeyId=0RYTHV9YYQ4W5Q3HQMG2&Expires=1278310664&Signature=uY%2BMiHu6TIjfZzR5ExWEQFVa%2Bi0%3D
Its a photo montage thing of an episode of Doctor Who. I wasn't the biggest fan of the actual episode, but the concept was great, and the fact that Starry Night is my favorite painting of all time made me really empathize with Van Gogh, and it was really inspiring to see that even someone who had no hope that his memory would live on after his passing was going to be remembered as one of the greatest artists of all time. It was a great 'What If' concept, which is something I tend to wonder about a lot.
Day 19 - A passage from a book that has touched you.
This is from Looking for Alaska by John Green. It gives me chills every single time.
"He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth.... If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless. ... But not knowing would not keep me from caring, and I would always love Alaska Young, my crooked neighbor, with all my crooked heart... She deverved better friends. ... she did not need to fold into herself and self-destruct. Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be... We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken... Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations... So I know she forgives me, just as I forgive her. Thomas Edison's last words were, 'Its very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is, but I believe its somewhere, and I hope its beautiful."
Day 20 - A band that you immediately liked and the song that made you like them.
The Avett Brothers. I & Love & You.
Day 21 - Your favorite medium of art.
Photography is great, as are paintings.
Day 22 - Someone you would give your life up for without question.
Any and all of my wonderful friends.
Day 23 - Most awkward first impression you feel you’ve ever given.
hahaha!! WELL today when Erin, Tyler, Cat and I hid under my bed from Sarai and her uncle and grandparents.. That was probably at least a ridiculously awkward first impression!
Day 24 - Something you did as a child that other people remember you for.
My friend Lydia remembers me for teaching her to swim. I had completely forgotten about this, but when I fb friended her a few months ago she reminded me of it. :) She was 2 or 3 years younger than me and I believe I taught her to swim when I was in 3rd grade.
Day 25 - Something you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail.
Star on Broadway. (If by "wouldn't fail" you mean "were talented")
Day 26 - Your definition of love.
No one says it better than Jesus- Greater love hath no man than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends.
Here is a good quote about it:
“Love is a temporary madness; you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”
-Louis de Bernieres
Day 27 - Your definition of the meaning of life.
Life is about finding those people who you cannot ever conceivably part from and being happy and bringing joy and the hope and love of Christ to those around you. Life is about taking a journey through a thick forest where nothing makes sense until you slowly find people with flash lights, and moving closer to each other to see each other in the dark.
Life is about growth and connection, and making a melody out of chaos.
Day 28 - A moment you remember being completely happy.
One night at the beginning of the summer when Erin was over and we were sitting on the floor in Sarai's room and Erin & I had just been wrestling (aka I was being thrown around and sat upon) and I was of course in some sort of pain so I whined about it to Erin and I put my arm around her back, and she did the same and was scratching my back, and she does.
Basically any hug-like situations are bliss for me.
Day 29 - What you live for.
Jesus, friends, family, adventure, joy, experience, emotion, discovery... Lots of things.
Day 30 - Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days.
I have become more independent I think. Slightly less passive. More realistic about my impending transition to adulthood and financial independence. And more in touch with who I am and who my friends are.
Day 01 - A fun fact about yourself that no one would ever guess.
I feel like I am really predictable and most of my friends would probably not be surprised by anything about me... uh... I guess, since I just said that, my fact is going to be something kind of contradictory to that- which is, Jamie is basically the only one of my friends who knows anything about my pre-college life. I just never really talk about stuff because A) I think its boring and B) I would really rather hear my friends talk than talk about stuff that won't matter to them at all.
Day 02 - Something that inspires you.
Amazing quotes and song lyrics.. I am basically a quote whore. Namely, pleasefindthis.blogspot.com brings me inspiration 5 days a week! Also, my friends inspire me. :)
Day 03 - The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why.
Is this even possible to answer?!? Gah! Uhm.. at this moment, the 5 I would most like would be:
-King of Anything by Sara Bareilles
-Bulletproof by LaRoux (the dance mix)
-We'll Be a Dream by We the Kings and Demi Lovato
-Hometown Glory by Adele
-Superboy and the Invisible Girl from the musical Next to Normal
...but I love music too much to not have a constant variety.. so.. I'm not sure how well this would work out.
Day 04 - What you imagine paradise to be like.
This may sound stupid, but I kind of think of it somewhat like it was presented in the novel, "The Lovely Bones" where each person has their own perfect little place and sees everything how they would want it to be. Like, I would have a city-ish place... and then someone who really liked the beach would have a beach, and stuff like that. I just think it is completely personal. And stuff. And I really want to believe that you will remember your family and friends and get to see them there.
Day 05 - A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life.
Dear you,
I hope and pray that I bring you as much happiness as you bring me every single day. If I had to describe you in one word and one word only, it would be 'beautiful,' because I believe that you carry your heavy heart with such grace. You exemplify a mature and loving heart when you are able to get through very awkward and rough situations in a manner I just do not have the couth, or the emotional strength, for. I admire you more than you know. I know you have been through some horrible times, and I wish that you would confide in me more, because I consider myself a safe and trustworthy person and I would love to help you if you would let me in. You bring me so much laughter, and it never fails to make me both very pleased and very proud when I can make you laugh too. Your hugs are my favorite and I love how you take life in such stride. Thank you for dealing with me, because I know that its not always easy. Never deny yourself the opportunity to walk tall in the knowledge of your own true beauty. I love you, and I wish you knew how beautiful you are- inside and out.
xo, me
Day 06 - Earliest thing you can remember.
I never have good answers for this... My 4th birthday? Sometime in pre-school when I was like 3? I have no idea.
Day 07 - Favorite cover of your favorite song.
OH SNAP so I don't have a favorite song per se, but this cover (done by a group at my school) is FLIPPIN FANTASTIC.
Day 08 - Someone you think would make a good president.
I have no idea. Maybe Oprah. haha.
Day 09 - Five things you want to see change.
1. Some of my current friendship dynamics that cause me to have to walk on eggshells. Its annoying and unnecessary.
2. I would like to be less sleepy and thirsty than I am now.
3. I would like it if people would stop being mean to any and all of my friends. Its getting a little bit ridiculous, and there is only so many times we can have the same effing drama over and over.
4. I would like there to be less hate in the world.
5. I would like more people to be sincere & genuine.
Day 10 - A dream you had this past week described in detail.
I described that John Barrowman dream a few posts ago. Go look. :)
Day 11 - Favorite picture ever taken of yourself.
I am not 100% sure that's my fav, but it is definitely one of the best. This is the dress I wore senior year of high school when I was in the ensemble of Cinderella at CFRT. Catherine and I named it my 1983-Belle-Gone-Wrong dress. :)
Day 12 - An inside joke.
CAKES & BABIES.
Day 13 - A memory that never fails to make you laugh.
Uhmm basically all the memories of antics and road trips and improv games and classic times with Jamie Muffett will never ever fail to make me laugh, ever.
Day 14 - Best mashup you’ve ever heard.
I am pretty sure my favorite mashup is the top 25 of 2009, which is this:
HOWEVER, I want the 2010 one to be better.. and I think it will be.
Day 15 - A moment, phrase, or song that has changed your life the most.
There have been way too many. But 2 things that have stuck with me for a really long time are the following:
1. When I was watching some episode of Oprah one day when I was like 14 or 15 and I think it was about some addiction (drugs, alcohol, heck it may have been a food addiction) but Oprah said something about how all sorts of addictions have this commonality, and for example, a shopping addict cannot look at a drug addict and say, "At least I'm not like THOSE people!" because they are exactly the same. Both addictions are harmful, and both people are struggling with coping through it.
This was a big moment for me, and since then I have never referred to any group negatively and separated them from myself like that. We are all a lot more alike than we are different.
2. When I was in 'To Kill a Mockingbird' in 9th grade, the last lines of the play were Scout saying something about how the enigmatic and seemingly creepy Boo Radley was actually really nice, and Atticus says, "Most people are, Scout, once you finally see them."
That play/book is absolutely beautiful, and really helped me become A) extremely interested in African American history, and B) it taught me never to judge others.
Day 16 - Something that you want to do within the next five years.
Move to NYC with my BFF Erin. Fall 2011. Stoked.
Day 17 - What you want to remembered for.
I want to be remembered for the love I showed other people, and the smiles I hopefully put on their faces. I want people to remember the good times they had with me, and to hopefully look at photos of us or notes I have written them and laugh because of some ridiculous inside joke or adventure we had. I want to be remembered as an advocate for radical love and hope.
Day 18 - A picture that makes you feel inspired.
This: http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l3kuhrl13W1qzu9iro1_1280.png?AWSAccessKeyId=0RYTHV9YYQ4W5Q3HQMG2&Expires=1278310664&Signature=uY%2BMiHu6TIjfZzR5ExWEQFVa%2Bi0%3D
Its a photo montage thing of an episode of Doctor Who. I wasn't the biggest fan of the actual episode, but the concept was great, and the fact that Starry Night is my favorite painting of all time made me really empathize with Van Gogh, and it was really inspiring to see that even someone who had no hope that his memory would live on after his passing was going to be remembered as one of the greatest artists of all time. It was a great 'What If' concept, which is something I tend to wonder about a lot.
Day 19 - A passage from a book that has touched you.
This is from Looking for Alaska by John Green. It gives me chills every single time.
"He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realized: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth.... If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless. ... But not knowing would not keep me from caring, and I would always love Alaska Young, my crooked neighbor, with all my crooked heart... She deverved better friends. ... she did not need to fold into herself and self-destruct. Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be... We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken... Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations... So I know she forgives me, just as I forgive her. Thomas Edison's last words were, 'Its very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is, but I believe its somewhere, and I hope its beautiful."
Day 20 - A band that you immediately liked and the song that made you like them.
The Avett Brothers. I & Love & You.
Day 21 - Your favorite medium of art.
Photography is great, as are paintings.
Day 22 - Someone you would give your life up for without question.
Any and all of my wonderful friends.
Day 23 - Most awkward first impression you feel you’ve ever given.
hahaha!! WELL today when Erin, Tyler, Cat and I hid under my bed from Sarai and her uncle and grandparents.. That was probably at least a ridiculously awkward first impression!
Day 24 - Something you did as a child that other people remember you for.
My friend Lydia remembers me for teaching her to swim. I had completely forgotten about this, but when I fb friended her a few months ago she reminded me of it. :) She was 2 or 3 years younger than me and I believe I taught her to swim when I was in 3rd grade.
Day 25 - Something you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail.
Star on Broadway. (If by "wouldn't fail" you mean "were talented")
Day 26 - Your definition of love.
No one says it better than Jesus- Greater love hath no man than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends.
Here is a good quote about it:
“Love is a temporary madness; you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”
-Louis de Bernieres
Day 27 - Your definition of the meaning of life.
Life is about finding those people who you cannot ever conceivably part from and being happy and bringing joy and the hope and love of Christ to those around you. Life is about taking a journey through a thick forest where nothing makes sense until you slowly find people with flash lights, and moving closer to each other to see each other in the dark.
Life is about growth and connection, and making a melody out of chaos.
Day 28 - A moment you remember being completely happy.
One night at the beginning of the summer when Erin was over and we were sitting on the floor in Sarai's room and Erin & I had just been wrestling (aka I was being thrown around and sat upon) and I was of course in some sort of pain so I whined about it to Erin and I put my arm around her back, and she did the same and was scratching my back, and she does.
Basically any hug-like situations are bliss for me.
Day 29 - What you live for.
Jesus, friends, family, adventure, joy, experience, emotion, discovery... Lots of things.
Day 30 - Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days.
I have become more independent I think. Slightly less passive. More realistic about my impending transition to adulthood and financial independence. And more in touch with who I am and who my friends are.
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