Staceyann Chin- Feminist or Womanist.

The truth is
I am afraid to draw black lines around me
I’m not always pale in the middle
I come in too many flavors for one fucking spoon
I am never one thing or the other
At night I am everything I fear
Tears and sorrows, black windows and muffled screams
In the morning I am all I ever want to be
Rain and laughter, bare footprints and invisible seams
Always without breath or definition
I claim every single dawn
For yesterday is simply what I was
And tomorrow
Even that will be gone.

-an exerpt from a poem by Staceyann Chin, "Feminist or Womanist"

music monday

There will always be magic in my mind that only your spirit can bring.
I look at you and I remember all the good times and forget how broken I became.
I see your face and think of your love.

Guh.

That is all I can say about that.

NYC IN 13 DAYS. :D

This blog has been brought to you by 'Rent' rehearsal in a room we're not allowed to be in because we snuck in here because they double booked the room we reserved.
Good night and good luck.
<3

stand by.

So, yesterday I was offered a possible stage managing job for next semester... again. Now, I would love to do this, of course. But stage managing for this amazingly wonderful director is a big time committment. And this would mean that I would not have the chance to do anyyyy shows next semester. And would still only be able to go to choir once a week. =/ And would always have to miss IV... I'm not sure about this. Like, I know I would really enjoy it and it would look better on a resume for me than being in a show... but I'm not sure I can give up everything else yet again.
Although, my first instinct was to reply with a resounding YES to the offer.
If you have thoughts for me on this, PLEASE TELL ME. I need opinions.
Even though in the end I will probably just do what I want, I want you to tell me what you think I should do. Because I don't KNOW what I want to do...yet.
kthanksbye. <3

its all a blur

I'm not sure about this.
My life right now.
I am so jaded towards everything- class, choir, IV, even the show...I'm not sure why.
Towards the end of last semester I was STOKED for this year... then a lot of stupid drama happened, but I was still excited. But now, nope. I'm not. I am over it.
Maybe its because this is junior year? Freshman year you're getting into your niche, finding new opportunities, meeting people, getting acclimated...Then sophomore year you feel better about your life because you know how to DEAL with it all and you're doing everything you want to do and all that. Junior year they say is the hardest academically..which so far is not true. I think LAST semester was as hard as its going to get for me *knockonwood* BUT I haven't really heard much else about what its supposed to be like. Are we the jaded juniors? Or is it just me?? Who knows.

I think I just need some time with God so He can help me get re-energized about all this STUFF.
----------------

It doesn't help that suddenly I think of you and a little twinge of pain and regret shoots up my spine.
Its getting better, but it may never heal.
I don't forget.
I can't.
And every so often there you'll be ... and I'll try not to notice, but...
you're there.
A living mirage.
-------------------

You disappear from my life.
But then at some random moment,
you come back.
The cycle continues like this.
You pretend like you're here for me
so I make an effort
and then
you refuse to return the effort
because you MIGHT have other plans
that have not come up yet
but perhaps MIGHT.
Thanks a lot.
That really makes me feel like you care.
Eff.
---------------------------

Also, the coffee I made today was especially good. I was happy about that.
And I get to go home this weekend, and I am very happy about that.

memories fade.

Amazing fb bumper sticker quote:

I want you to hug me one more time, because the only thing in this world that scares me is that I'll never feel that safe ever again.

Amazing song:

http://www.imeem.com/markypoo/music/_VY0fahu/trey-lockerbie-somehow/

anddd that is all. because it is 11:48pm.

this is weird.

For the first time since I was oh...12, I am actually looking forward to my birthday.
This is weird.
This does not happen to me.

Maybe its because I'm meeting Stacy London and seeing a Broadway show (I'm thinking either 'Next to Normal' or 'In the Heights') the weekend before... or maybe its because I am hopefully going to see my bff Kelsey in 'The Pajama Game' the weekend after... or maybe its because I decided to have a late night Sugarland gathering either on my bday or the day after and me and friends will be drinking vanilla lattes and eating cupcakes.

But nevertheless, I am looking forward to it.
I'm not sure what to make of this.

Anyway, life is pretty decent otherwise. Classes are okay. IV is going really well and it feels good to finally be a real part of it this year. 'Rent' will officially start eating my life on Tuesday when we start rehearsals. I am ogling at yet another cute boy (how old am I? 12?! lol). My to-do list is about a mile long...
So, everything is pretty normal!

Umm.. so. I need instant film. Feel free to buy some for me as a gift for said birthday. ;) jkjk. But I DO need some.

PS- is it possible to upload videos on blogger? Becuase like, dude. I need to make use of this technology.

And also, it would be wonderful if I had a car on campus. Can this happen soon please? I'm starting to think that maybe even the super far away PR lot would be better than nothing. Because then I would not have to beg everyone to give me rides everywhere, and I could have gone home this weekend.. or something.

All for now.
<3

should've never left you broken.

God is working.
He is always working in our lives, and then sometimes when we realize it, it hits us like a ton of bricks and brings out all this emotion we never knew we had.
I love that.
But it brings out our struggles too.. struggles that he wants us to face head on.

Just thoughts..

It must be remembered though, that love penetrates borders, tears down walls, and shines through even the darkest of nights.

Love wins in the end.

Although, sometimes we have to sift through the flourescent lights to find the true Son.
And sometimes it hurts.

But I made it through..
and I believe in you. You can do it too. <3

Sometimes, we just have to take what we've gained, and that little piece of us that we give away at the wrong time, leave a little light, and walk away.

This is what I know for sure... part of it anyway.

Time to wash the pineapple juice out of my hair.
Have a lovely evening, all.
<3