now you've just become like everything i'll never find again

"Gone are the golden days,
just a page in my diary...
Memories are following me like a shadow now.
I've seen your act
& I know all the facts.
I'm still in love with who I wish you were,
& I wish you were here."

This is a dead end, and there is no turning back.
Is it stupid of me to wonder about this? Am I living in the past?
Probably.

But when you know someone like that...
When your life is changed in four weeks...
When you finally get used to it...
and then its over,
& you just wanna hold on
as tight as you can
to a fleeting memory.

"Its been in the past for a while
I get a flash, & then I smile.
Am I crazy? I still miss you baby...
Where does the love go? I don't know
when its all said & done
How could I be losing you forever,
after all the time we spent together.
I have to know why I had to lose you.
Now you've just become like everything I'll never find again
at the bottom of the ocean.
In a dream you appeared, for a while you were here.
So I keep sleeping, just to keep you with me.
I'll draw a map, connect the dots
with all the memories that I've got;
what I'm missing, I'll keep reliving.
Where does the love go? I don't know
when its all said & done
How could I be losing you forever,
after all the time we spent together.
I have to know why I had to lose you.
Now you've just become like everything I'll never find again
at the bottom of the ocean...
You don't have to love me for me to ever understand.
Just know that of the time that we both had;
& I don't ever wanna see you sad- Be happy...
I'll be big enough for both of us to say,
'Be happy.'"

i am too lazy to blog

Before you walked into my life, I looked at everyone differently.
When you walked out of my life, I had learned not to judge- but to give each person a chance to show themselves to me, and to love them for whoever that is.

For that, I am eternally grateful.

You knew me when...

Novel idea.
Literally.
:)

the sensation of no Novacaine

A few weeks ago, I read entirely through the diary I started when I was in 10th grade.. towards the beginning of the school year. This diary was only written in when I was feeling an extreme emotion- be it sadness, anger, nerves, depression.. or the rarest to grace its pages- bliss.
Now, here is what I have noticed.
This is the continuity in my life.
Making friends who seem great at the time, but then for one reason or another they disappear. And it seems that they are quite the opposite of me.

I don't understand what it is with people who are like "oh you're amazing ... but.. you know, we'll keep in touch and MAYBE I'll see you sometime in the future..." but MAYBE NOT. And then what? We just never see each other again??!
I don't work that way.
That is fucking nonsense.

I love people.
I cherish every single friendship that I come across... I have grown to cherish them even more because there have been SO MANY who have lied.
So much betrayal..
But nevertheless, I seem to keep on going... I keep on trusting people. And then the show ends, the school year is over, we graduate high school, we go home for summer... and poof- gone.
I guess I just shouldn't be surprised.
Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this...
but I don't work that way.

When I tell you I love you, I mean it.
When I tell you that I want to see you, I do.
When I say I miss you, its probably a lot truer than you realize.

I can't just NOT see people I love. It doesn't work for me that way.
I mean, I don't need to see you every day, or even every week or month...
Maybe once every two months? Three?

But no.

People never seem to have that time for me.

And maybe they're busy.. Maybe.

Or maybe they just don't care enough.

And hey, that's FINE! Not everyone has to want to be my bff! Just TELL ME. Saying "no, I don't really feel like it" is a perfectly acceptable reason for not wanting to do something. It is purely a choice. But saying, no I'm busy, or no, I'm broke... or no, I have a lot going on...
Seriously?
I can see right through that.
I hate it.
Be honest.

Its like breaking up.
It hurts at the time, but it is better for both people in the end, because then they know how they really feel about each other.
And that's really all I am searching for.
How you really feel.

anthem

Far in the distance this is the view from the other side.
How did I let this pass me by?
Took me for granted, planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances? My hope has died.
Please have mercy, you've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain.
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.
Thinking it over, those were days dark as ebony nights.
The end of October felt like a lifetime
I had a suspicion, but didn't want to believe you a liar
You had a mission to prove me right.
You took my trust- Ground it to dust.
Found out I knew better.
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.
And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
And I'm so tired of explaining the sensation of no Novocain
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.
I don't have a prayer if there is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part.
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.

[kate voegele, devil in me]
-----
ps yesterday was my 1 year anniversary of Company.

i really shouldn't miss you; but i can't let you go

I don't know what to do.

I honestly have no idea.

Its possible... that I'm overreacting. That the "busy" claim reigns true. That you didn't recognize my picture. That you just didn't think. That you changed your email address. That you thought I didn't need you & moved on.
Maybe its just me.

Because this isn't you. I know it isn't.

This is the person you proved me you weren't when you held my face in your hands. You proved to me that you were not this person when you read my play, gave me advice, were happy to see me, looked out for me. That was you. That is the person I know.

I am going to write you a letter.
I have to.
I cannot just let this stew inside me forever.

Because I will continue to wonder. And ask myself, "Is there something I could have done to change this?"
"What did I do wrong?"
"Who are you?"
"Did I change, or did you?"

I really don't know if this is the right course of action to take, but I feel like it is something that has to be done for me. And I feel like if you ever cared about me at all, and I KNOW you did, then you deserve to know how I feel now.
How much you have put me through.
How you were the icing on the cake to being betrayed so many times.
How you made me BELIEVE that when people say "keep in touch" they never mean it. .... I guess if it has to be discussed, then deep down everyone knows it won't work.

You lifted me up.
And I was so happy. So happy to know you, to be in your presence, to have you love me, to have you call me your daughter, to hear you say you were proud of me...
But then you tore me down.
And the trust I had in you was destroyed.
And now... I just don't know.

oooooh HELL NAW

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

FUCK YOU!

Where the HELL do you think you get off DENYING MY FUCKING FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST.
Dear God.

I cannot even BELIEVE that after all I did for you. All the times I spent thinking about you. All the effort I put into doing things for you.
This is the thanks I get.

I get NO email responses.
NOTHING.

And you know what? I am DONE giving you the benefit of the doubt. DONE. I have been doing that for WAAAAAAAAAY too long now.
Maybe you ARE just a bitch.
Maybe you DON'T give a shit about me.
Maybe now that you don't NEED ME you think you can just forget I ever existed.

I know you have a lot better things to do. Obviously. Fucking beauty queens don't have time to associate with people like ME.

I only wish you had the foggiest of ideas of what you have put me through and how I feel right now. Because lady, you're are one HELL of a liar.

Now I am always going to wonder what I did wrong. If there was something I should have done differently. Who you really are... is it the person I know NOW or the person I knew then??

I can't believe this.
Sometimes I wish I could forget you.
But I know I never will.

Fuck you.

I just wish I knew where to go from here.