this is my now

I don't know what I think about all this.. I mean, I thought I would just write the letter, send it & be open to seeing w/e happens.. but I don't know if I am. Like. ok. If I were her, I would probably be pretty devastated to get a letter like that. Not that there is anything mean in it, but it would just be extremely difficult for me to hear that I hurt someone like that.. I don't know. & like.. maybe I am afraid of what she'll say or think and maybe I'm fine with living in this fantasy world...
Do I dwell in the past too often?
Most likely.
Catherine's music is all too perfect for this. <3 As is Kate Voegele's. Tis vunderbar.

Goodness I want to write a story.. & this has been the case for like 3 weeks now but I am severely lacking inspiration. Like, there are ideas in my head but there is no rhyme or reason or useful sequence to them. Boo.

But I need to write it because I think my next piece is going to be non-fiction... o.O
yes, this is new-ish for me. Everything I write has characters & situations inspired by those in my life but I would never say that I've written an entirely non-fiction work.. except in english class when we had to.

So yes.
That's what's up.
Peace out.

gimme gimme

So, there are these necklaces at this place called Light Years on Franklin.. & they are just simple little flat neutral colored pendants with QUOTES FROM LITERATURE ON THEM. BUHH!
I need these.
Seriously.
They're like.. the best things ever.

:)

now you've just become like everything i'll never find again

"Gone are the golden days,
just a page in my diary...
Memories are following me like a shadow now.
I've seen your act
& I know all the facts.
I'm still in love with who I wish you were,
& I wish you were here."

This is a dead end, and there is no turning back.
Is it stupid of me to wonder about this? Am I living in the past?
Probably.

But when you know someone like that...
When your life is changed in four weeks...
When you finally get used to it...
and then its over,
& you just wanna hold on
as tight as you can
to a fleeting memory.

"Its been in the past for a while
I get a flash, & then I smile.
Am I crazy? I still miss you baby...
Where does the love go? I don't know
when its all said & done
How could I be losing you forever,
after all the time we spent together.
I have to know why I had to lose you.
Now you've just become like everything I'll never find again
at the bottom of the ocean.
In a dream you appeared, for a while you were here.
So I keep sleeping, just to keep you with me.
I'll draw a map, connect the dots
with all the memories that I've got;
what I'm missing, I'll keep reliving.
Where does the love go? I don't know
when its all said & done
How could I be losing you forever,
after all the time we spent together.
I have to know why I had to lose you.
Now you've just become like everything I'll never find again
at the bottom of the ocean...
You don't have to love me for me to ever understand.
Just know that of the time that we both had;
& I don't ever wanna see you sad- Be happy...
I'll be big enough for both of us to say,
'Be happy.'"

i am too lazy to blog

Before you walked into my life, I looked at everyone differently.
When you walked out of my life, I had learned not to judge- but to give each person a chance to show themselves to me, and to love them for whoever that is.

For that, I am eternally grateful.

You knew me when...

Novel idea.
Literally.
:)

the sensation of no Novacaine

A few weeks ago, I read entirely through the diary I started when I was in 10th grade.. towards the beginning of the school year. This diary was only written in when I was feeling an extreme emotion- be it sadness, anger, nerves, depression.. or the rarest to grace its pages- bliss.
Now, here is what I have noticed.
This is the continuity in my life.
Making friends who seem great at the time, but then for one reason or another they disappear. And it seems that they are quite the opposite of me.

I don't understand what it is with people who are like "oh you're amazing ... but.. you know, we'll keep in touch and MAYBE I'll see you sometime in the future..." but MAYBE NOT. And then what? We just never see each other again??!
I don't work that way.
That is fucking nonsense.

I love people.
I cherish every single friendship that I come across... I have grown to cherish them even more because there have been SO MANY who have lied.
So much betrayal..
But nevertheless, I seem to keep on going... I keep on trusting people. And then the show ends, the school year is over, we graduate high school, we go home for summer... and poof- gone.
I guess I just shouldn't be surprised.
Anyway, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this...
but I don't work that way.

When I tell you I love you, I mean it.
When I tell you that I want to see you, I do.
When I say I miss you, its probably a lot truer than you realize.

I can't just NOT see people I love. It doesn't work for me that way.
I mean, I don't need to see you every day, or even every week or month...
Maybe once every two months? Three?

But no.

People never seem to have that time for me.

And maybe they're busy.. Maybe.

Or maybe they just don't care enough.

And hey, that's FINE! Not everyone has to want to be my bff! Just TELL ME. Saying "no, I don't really feel like it" is a perfectly acceptable reason for not wanting to do something. It is purely a choice. But saying, no I'm busy, or no, I'm broke... or no, I have a lot going on...
Seriously?
I can see right through that.
I hate it.
Be honest.

Its like breaking up.
It hurts at the time, but it is better for both people in the end, because then they know how they really feel about each other.
And that's really all I am searching for.
How you really feel.

anthem

Far in the distance this is the view from the other side.
How did I let this pass me by?
Took me for granted, planted thorns in this garden of mine
What are the chances? My hope has died.
Please have mercy, you've unnerved me
I don't deserve this pain.
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.
Thinking it over, those were days dark as ebony nights.
The end of October felt like a lifetime
I had a suspicion, but didn't want to believe you a liar
You had a mission to prove me right.
You took my trust- Ground it to dust.
Found out I knew better.
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.
And I don't wanna feel the pain
And I don't want another day shackled to your ball and chain
You're entirely to blame
And I'm so tired of explaining the sensation of no Novocain
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.
I don't have a prayer if there is no charity in your heart
Couldn't you spare me?
I've done my part.
So don't break my heart, I ain't never done nothing to deserve this
I'm torn apart. You've had your fun,
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm begging on my knees?
Don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me.

[kate voegele, devil in me]
-----
ps yesterday was my 1 year anniversary of Company.

i really shouldn't miss you; but i can't let you go

I don't know what to do.

I honestly have no idea.

Its possible... that I'm overreacting. That the "busy" claim reigns true. That you didn't recognize my picture. That you just didn't think. That you changed your email address. That you thought I didn't need you & moved on.
Maybe its just me.

Because this isn't you. I know it isn't.

This is the person you proved me you weren't when you held my face in your hands. You proved to me that you were not this person when you read my play, gave me advice, were happy to see me, looked out for me. That was you. That is the person I know.

I am going to write you a letter.
I have to.
I cannot just let this stew inside me forever.

Because I will continue to wonder. And ask myself, "Is there something I could have done to change this?"
"What did I do wrong?"
"Who are you?"
"Did I change, or did you?"

I really don't know if this is the right course of action to take, but I feel like it is something that has to be done for me. And I feel like if you ever cared about me at all, and I KNOW you did, then you deserve to know how I feel now.
How much you have put me through.
How you were the icing on the cake to being betrayed so many times.
How you made me BELIEVE that when people say "keep in touch" they never mean it. .... I guess if it has to be discussed, then deep down everyone knows it won't work.

You lifted me up.
And I was so happy. So happy to know you, to be in your presence, to have you love me, to have you call me your daughter, to hear you say you were proud of me...
But then you tore me down.
And the trust I had in you was destroyed.
And now... I just don't know.

oooooh HELL NAW

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

FUCK YOU!

Where the HELL do you think you get off DENYING MY FUCKING FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST.
Dear God.

I cannot even BELIEVE that after all I did for you. All the times I spent thinking about you. All the effort I put into doing things for you.
This is the thanks I get.

I get NO email responses.
NOTHING.

And you know what? I am DONE giving you the benefit of the doubt. DONE. I have been doing that for WAAAAAAAAAY too long now.
Maybe you ARE just a bitch.
Maybe you DON'T give a shit about me.
Maybe now that you don't NEED ME you think you can just forget I ever existed.

I know you have a lot better things to do. Obviously. Fucking beauty queens don't have time to associate with people like ME.

I only wish you had the foggiest of ideas of what you have put me through and how I feel right now. Because lady, you're are one HELL of a liar.

Now I am always going to wonder what I did wrong. If there was something I should have done differently. Who you really are... is it the person I know NOW or the person I knew then??

I can't believe this.
Sometimes I wish I could forget you.
But I know I never will.

Fuck you.

I just wish I knew where to go from here.

like an indian summer in the middle of winter

So, how bout a real blog for once, eh?

Ok.

I am in summer school, taking news writing & child development.. because I am a glutton for punishment... buh. But it is going well so far. & my roomie is my dearest ewin. ;D so yes. loveleh.

thats all.
this is why i always write complex theoretical blogs.

which i have plans for.. but am not quite inspired to write yet. i listened to amazing music tonight hoping to GET inspired but it was a fail.. perhaps tomorrow when i am sitting here, again, not being studious.

concerto

Thinking of You- Katy Perry
Manhattan from the Sky-Kate Voegele
Lift me Up- Kate Voegele
Without You- Catherine Duke
Chasing Pavements- Adele
You Found Me- The Fray
Vienna- The Fray
Somewhere only we know- Keane
Where I Stood- Missy Higgins
Shattered- OAR
City- Sara Bareilles
Vulnerable- Secondhand Serenade
I'd Lie- Taylor Swift
Green- Brendan James
Manchester- Brendan James
Barriers- David Archuleta
A Little too Not Over You- David Archuleta
Might Have Been- Kate Voegele
Devil in me- Kate Voegele
Many the Miles- Sara Bareilles

without you

You walked into my life.
I said hello.
You held me.
I loved you.
I had your back.
You helped me.
We laughed.
I smiled for you.
You took care of me.
You held my hand.
We hugged.
I loved you.
You loved me.
We said goodbye.
You drove away.
---
I followed you.
You thanked me.
I reached out.
You answered.
We reunited.
We spoke.
We laughed.
You smiled.
I loved it.
I had to go.
We hugged.
You loved me.
I loved you.
We said goodbye.
I drove away.
---
I reached out.
You didn't answer.
---
why?

vulnerable

Share with me the blankets that you're wrapped in
because its cold outside cold outside
Share with me the secrets that you kept in
because its cold inside
And your slow, shaking fingertips
show that you're scared like me
so let's pretend we're alone;
and I know you may be scared
and I know were unprepared
but I don't care.
Tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure.
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable.
Impossible.
I was born to tell you I love you-
isn't that a song already?
I get a B in originality.
& it's true I cant go on without you;
your smile makes me see clearer.
If you could only see in the mirror what I see.
...I promise I can be what you need.

Good work there Secondhand Serenade. You speak to my heart. :)

how could i ever know

I am just like you.

Part of me hates that I was even capable of that... but it was unavoidable. The distance took me away. buh.

It is my fault.
And your fault, from my view.
Holy shit.

I can't believe I never knew...

tell me that you need me, then you go & cut me down

-I feel weird telling people I know you. Like it is a lie now. But then I see you in some interview or something and I am so happy! Because I DO know you, I know you better than a lot of people do; because I know the vulnerable you, the one who needed me, the one who needs just as much love and encouragement as the rest of us. "There was a time our happiness seemed never ending, I was so sure that where we were heading was right. Life was a road, so certain and straight and unbending; our little road, with never a crossroad in sight... There was a time when you were the person in motion; I was your [friend]- it never occurred to want more. You were my sky, my moon and my stars and my ocean. We can never go back to before." You treated me like a daughter, you were there for me... and then you weren't. I don't know how to feel anymore. I know you. I know who you really are. I know that you speak your mind, but you will be friends with anyone and everyone, you loved me- I could see it in your eyes, we had laughs and inside jokes and we knew how to treat each other. I miss that. And there is nothing to replace it. And I am going to do my damndest to get it back- even though you may have already let go.

-I miss you a lot more than you realize. Becoming friends with you was fulfilling a dream for me- I always wished it would happen, and when it did- wow. The smile you give me is like no other. I just wish you needed me like I need you.

i'd like to propose a toast

I posted this on my myspace blog like a year ago.. re-read it the other day & decided I still like it- which is rare for me. Raise your glasses, I'd like to propose a toast.
-----------
Here's to pretending like everything is okay; when we all know it isn't. To the cracks in the foundations of the relationships we attempt to create. To staying up late and sleeping half the day away. To wondering when you'll see him next. To wishing for that person to call, and checking your phone every ten minutes to see if they have. To sitting for hours and listening to loud music, hoping it will make everything go away. To wanting to be wanted. To the paper thin walls of a home where you wonder when the yelling will stop. To always knowing you are more perceptive than they think you are. To wishing for a fairy tale ending, but believing in a lonely one. To holding back tears when you think you may never see them again. To smiling to encourage someone else, even when you are devastated inside. To those few fleeting moments when all is right with the world. To wishing you had more to offer. To feeling like you are loved; even when it doesn't last very long. To talking on the phone until 3 in the morning. To wondering who would cry at your funeral. To trying not to cry at others'. To empty bottles of wine and wilted roses. To feeling like you should have been born somewhere else. To trying to reach someone with what you create, and never succeeding. To wishing that you could just say something right. To being there whenever you are needed, but being afraid to call on them when you need something. To the one who makes you weak at the knees. To always dreaming of more than you know you will ever get. To looking forward to seeing that person all day, and then not knowing what to say when you see them. To the family you wish you had. To letting your mind waste away on pointless comedy sitcoms. To wondering if anyone ever wishes you would get online, just so they could talk to you. To saving things that are useless, just because they remind you of happier times. To dreaming of a brighter day. To the moments we share together, making connections, and hoping that the person you dream of will someday love you back. To candlelit dinners, and moonlit walks. To staying up all night; just to see the sunrise. To those girls who change who they are to try and fit in. To always chasing the love that eludes you, and taking for granted the love that is right in front of you. To painful goodbyes and happy hellos. To a bouquet of flowers that wither away next to a gravestone. To the moments when you can forget everything and are truly blissful. To forgiveness. To the emotional walls we build for ourselves, and to the people who care enough to tear them down. To facing the hours, day after day. To letting someone in. To staying angry for no reason, just so you have something to feel. To conventionality, and standing up against it. To believing in reform. And to that day, when you finally get up the courage to tell him you love him and he asks what took you so long.

britches

The girl sat there, wracked with emotion. Summer usually meant spending nights on the beach, days by the pool, and the occasional afternoon working at the Baskin Robbins a few blocks north of her home. This summer was different. This summer, the girl sat on her antique twin bed, adorned with its mismatching sheets that were in desperate need of a wash, her stringy chesnut brown hair hung just below her shoulders, and in her hand she held a photo. This photo was the girls only present reminder of the previous summer,... Pictured was the girl herself, standing beside an woman, probably about seven years older than the girl. This woman had the prefect milky skintone that resembled porcelin, her deep brown eyes sparkled, and her shiny auburn hair was piled atop her head in a complex up do. The two had their arms wrapped around each other in a joyful embrace. But now things were different. The girl gazed at this photo almost scornfully. She longed for the acceptance and love she had felt the moment it was taken, and tossed it onto the floor of her bedroom.
"Meow." A cat entered the room with its whiny greeting and sat right on top of the photo.
"Tasha! No!" The girl leapt off her bed and the cat scurried away. The girl picked the photo up off the ground and noticed the pair of black denim pants lying there as well. She picked them up and read the tag- "100% cotton." They had shrunk since the previous summer, and now those pants that once belonged to the woman in the photo no longer fit the girl. Her inability to wear the pants reminded her of the exit of the woman in the photo from her life. "So close and yet so far" was a completely accurate description of their relationship.
Just then the girl's small pink cell phone exploded with noise and rapid vibration. She leaned over to pick it up. "Hey."
"Hey Addi what's up?" a boy's voice permeated through the phone and could have been heard four feet away.
"Not much... How're you?"
"I'm chill. Just wondering if you wanna come jam with me and some guys tonight."
"Oh.. well, I..."
"Its gonna be awesome- seriously, you should come."
"Okay. Fine. I'll come."
"Sweet see you later."
"Bye."
Addison's relationship with this boy, Jason, had begun the day after the photo, now lying on the floor of her room, had been taken. They met as Addison lugged box after box up and down the stairs of her dorm on move-in day, and Jason was immediately intrigued with her ability to wear silver dangly earrings and a dress while lifting heavy objects and trudging up and down four flights of stairs all day.

here's what i like

-When you smell like someone after you hug them.
-Frolicking in the warm spring rain.
-Hugs.
-Sitting in the grass.
-The arboretum; I am looking forward to spending a lot of time there this summer.
-Mcdonalds; they have coffee and its CHEAP.
-Gay guys. Yes. They are wondrous.
-Pajama pants.
-Riding in cars with people; its a great way to get to know someone.
-not done. more to come. :)