but there will be noise;

IT HAS BEEN SO LONG.

Its about to be December for heaven's sake.

Here's the hot jams:

-My day job is almost over.. next Friday, perhaps. Before Christmas definitely, but unemployment is looming in my very near future. (This was a contract job, so I've known this was coming from the beginning and continue to do nothing about it.)

-I am stage managing a show that closes on Sunday!

-I am doing a weird freelance PR/production management gig which starts soon.. I'll be working on getting a show booked and then once it does money will happen. I'll also be SMing the show once it starts performing/touring/whatever.

-Jenn and I haggled with a Christmas tree salesman and lugged a tree to our apartment via the subway. It was incredibly graceful.

-All the roommates stayed around for Thanksgiving so we cooked and I sang songs and laughed and ate SOOO MUCH. It was really fun. We also went to the Macy's Parade where I proceeded to drop my phone on the damn sidewalk and the screen shattered. -___- Not sure how in hell I am going to pay to fix/replace it.

I really have many more things to say but this will have to be all for the moment.

Gotta go do a show.

the long way round;

I really shouldn't allow myself to become so frustrated by situations that are pretty much beyond my control at this point and are just.. fucking ridiculous, to be perfectly honest.

But I am bothered and I want to do something about it but I have no idea what to do.
I am an adult.
Shouldn't I know how to deal with bullshit yet?

I definitely feel like I am swimming in uncharted waters. Everything is a risk.
I don't miss the past but I desperately want the immediate future to be more resolved, so I am a wee bit uneasy in the present.

Whatever.

I am wearing leather skinny pants tomorrow so I guess I will go to bed now.

it sure would be prettier with you;

Life makes me happy lately. There's something about this time of year in the city that makes me want to frolic and love life.

The only problem at present is that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

(Deja vu, anyone?)

Yes, this is clearly something I have been questioning for quite some time now. But..

GUH.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS.

After doing the things I've done since moving here (and working in food, retail, and with kids before moving here)... I have a pretty lengthy list of things I do not want to spend my life doing.
But I have a VERY short list of things I can maybe see myself possibly doing perhaps if I can get into it somehow.

Going to Europe was a dream.
Moving to NYC was a dream.
And there have been dreams that popped up along the way that I didn't even know I had.
And it has been amazing.

But now I need to find out what my next dream is and really work towards pursuing it.

The things I want to do are either things that seem basically impossible to make a living doing or.. are things that seem impossible to break into. Like industries that seem to never be hiring new people such as myself who have no experience. I don't know. I just really don't want to be stuck at a desk my entire life dealing with dumb shit that I don't care about at all...... just.. guh. Like. I CARE about my present job, but the whole office scenario is what has made me feel like I don't want to be there forever (if that were even an option, which it isn't).

So now I am trying to explore the options and figure out what the hell is the best thing to do. The thing is, even if I like a job I can't ever see myself being thrilled to work in an enclosed area all day every day, which is basically what every job is... I need varying days. I need varying tasks. But stable employment would also be pretty awesome.
I am unsure how to reconcile this.

Whatever.
I'm just going to sit here and sip coffee until I can deal with this shit.

I'm so tired, I can't sleep;

Lots of things are happening right now.

Outside of the fact that it is election day, I am in the midst of applying for jobs AGAIN, my roommates and I are having a hair dying fiesta right now (only one of us' hair is being dyed, but its an inclusive process so we are all involved with it.. haha), Jenn and I did some major cleaning and organizing today...


And yesterday I found out that one of my beloved acting teachers, Brad Waters, passed away.

I took his acting class when I was in 9th grade, and was in the productions of BCPE and Good Times Review that he directed that year.
He was the first one to really push me out of my comfort zone as an actor. He was the first one to cast me as a character with a name in BCPE. He made me write a poem to be performed in Good Times (though it was a comedic poem)... and he pushed me WAY out when it came to my monologue in his acting class.
It was from the play Equus, and if you don't know the concept of that play (& happen to care) you can read it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equus_(play)
My monologue was Dora, the mother, and it was definitely the most emotionally raw thing I had ever done.. and I don't think I ever really wrapped my 14-year-old head around it. But the acting lessons I learned in that were some that I will always carry with me.

Brad was definitely a pivotal part of my life as an actor, and as a teenager growing up. I feel horrible that I didn't keep in closer contact with him after he moved on from CFRT... we emailed some until I was about a sophomore in college but after that .. nothing really.

I am truly in shock that he is gone and I will miss him dearly.

------------

That's really all.


Roommates and I are breaking out the champagne.
Obama is president again.
:)

i will wait for you;

I absolutely love living in NYC.

There is nothing more New York to me than walking through a park wearing adorable winter accessories and casually sipping a latte from a holiday Starbucks cup. There's something about the brisk fall air that makes me feel so alive and so happy to be here in the city of my dreams.

I've lived here for 5 and a half months now, and one one hand it seems like it has been forever.. but on the other it seems like that time has gone by in the blink of an eye.

I am trying to start to get my life together.. I am on a lease now which is quite good and I have a job but soon (very soon actually) I will need a new one. And I have some AMAZING people in my life.

I am so much happier here.

My last few months in NC I was pretty down in the dumps.. pretty bored, frankly. I didn't really have anyone to hang out with there outside of work... at least no one who was free on a regular basis. And then Europe was absolutely incredible.. but I was still pretty alone through all that. My Polish family was so kind but there was only so many ways in which they were able to support me and only so many things I could or would tell them.

When I first moved here I was pretty much a hot mess (and still am on many counts), but now I am just so much better. I am better at being a grown up, more mature, more zestful and thankful. Its just a good life. And now my goal is to figure out what the hell my career should really be and work on chasing after it. And just to keep growing, being present, and being thankful.

------------------------------------------------

"I’d known since I was 5, when my parents forced me to move to California, that I was going to live in New York eventually and that everything in between was just a horrible intermission. I’d spent those sixteen years imagining what New York was going to be like. I thought it was going to be the most exciting, magical, fraught-with-possibility place that you could ever live in; a place where if you really wanted something, you might be able to get it; a place where I’d be surrounded by people I was dying to be with. And I turned out to be right." -Nora Ephron