summer is over;

I have a massive amount of shit staring me in the face this week.. stuff I have been putting off has gotten to the point where it has to happen, and stuff that needs to happen because I HAVE TO MOVE AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

The biggest annoyance here is that I haven't even gotten a chance to apply for any jobs lately because all this moving related crap is in the way.. guh. I want to get out of this job so bad and into something that suits me better (and that I at least remotely enjoy) I cannot even deal anymore, but at present the predominant priority is the move, because it is this weekend no matter what.

So before I move I have to: order bedding and a bed frame and make sure it can be delivered at my new place SATURDAY and no later, buy a mattress to have delivered, do laundry, buy a suitcase in which to move my clothing, buy a dresser, clothes hangers, anything else I'd need for a bedroom.. I also have to get my parents to mail me a bunch of stuff that I haven't had time to get from NC yet.

I definitely do want to make some time to apply for at least a few jobs this week though, and get up with the temp agency about what (if any) other options there are for me. Also fashion week is coming up very soon and I might try to get an internship for that week. A new guy at work said he was an intern last year at fashion week and then got several job offers after. Also, I can (if I scrounge) afford to be an intern for a short time such as that. So that's a plus. I really envy people who somehow have enough money to be an intern or a super low paid job in an industry they enjoy. It opens so many doors and gives so much networking potential.. whereas my job is getting me NOWHERE. Its just an obligation. So anyway maybe I can find something like that.. Another thought I had was to try and find a full time nanny job where I wouldn't work traditional business hours, and would be able to intern or volunteer somewhere during the day. I dunno. This whole job search thing is emotionally and physically exhausting. I really just need it to be DONE. Guh.

Anyway, that was a tangent.

There are a few other random things I need to get done this week (including the final touch ups and updates to a certain Birthday present which I have had since MAY but haven't gotten to give it..)... AND I definitely need to just suck it up and make a hair appointment, and pay for a person to put some sort of color in my hair. I haven't actually gotten a haircut in ... a LONG ass time. Like over a year I think. So I want a trim, some layers, and maybe some ombre-ish blonde highlights?? Not sure. I have posted a facebook status just now asking for opinions, so hopefully that will yield helpful results. :) I definitely want to do something color-related though. I am so bored with my hair color.

The goal on the hair is to have it done by Sept. 6 at the latest.. Fashion's Night Out. :D

That's about it I guess.

Oh wait.

One more thing.

Did I mention that me and Jenn and Rachel HAVE NOT EVEN BEEN APPROVED ON THE APARTMENT YET.

Yeah.

Hot fucking mess.

We sent in the application at the beginning of the week, had to clear up some shit with it and add some things a couple days later, and have heard nothing since. I am highly displeased with this and would really prefer NOT to be homeless in a week.

..WHY is it that every time I move I am on the verge of homelessness?

Being an adult sucks, because I am still a scared little girl inside.

I keep meaning to write a post about the oddities of living in NYC, so perhaps I will remember to do that at some point soon.

Ciao bellas.

so self conscious that you're angry;

I was an overweight child. Overweight and ridiculously tall to boot. I was close to 100lbs in 3rd grade and close to 5 feet tall in 4th.

The first time I realized I was "fat" was in kindergarten, when the zipper got stuck on my fluffy winter coat, and another kid told me it wouldn't zip because I was fat.
I'm not sure how I reacted at the time- probably said nothing- but I cried over it at home.

As I got older, I never liked the way I looked. I thought it was a given that I was just an unattractive person. I was never big on weighing myself though, thank God, or else I am sure my self esteem would have been much worse. And I have never legitimately had an eating disorder, but I have definitely struggled with ... something like that, which I will not elaborate on here. (If you do want to know more though, feel free to ask me privately.)

My point is I have felt utterly worthless, self-concious to the point of fury, and have wanted to literally just STOP EATING and be thin for once in my life.

Everyone has a different definition of the ideal body though. What's mine?

To me the ideal body is a small frame, of course, a teeny bit tall (maybe like 5'5'') and I guess a shape something like Jennifer Aniston, where they have the hour glass shape, but extremely toned hips/thighs/ass and very thin limbs and tiny waist.
I would give up my medium frame and pear shaped body for that any day.

But there are some people who would hate that type of body.
Everyone has different opinions & a different definition of beauty.

To some fool out there, maybe I already have the ideal body type! (Crazy thought, right?)

My point here is, you have to realize what your body is meant to look like. Find YOUR ideal, not the ideal of the media. Not everyone can be model thin.
Do you have wider set hip bones? Then guess what- you will never fit into a size zero jean. Its just not happening, even if your thighs are rail thin.
Big boobs? Always going to have to buy bigger shirts.

This is the body you were given, and you cannot healthily 'improve' it until you learn to appreciate it for what it is.

I believe in eating healthy and I applaud people who exercise regularly because Lord knows I am too lazy for that. Lately my "work out" is speed-walking up 6th Avenue trying to dart around tourists.
But you can only go so far.

When people say they are working towards bodily "perfection," that really bothers me.
Perfection is an unattainable ideal.
You will never get to it.
You will reach one goal and find something else to improve, and if you let this road continue too long you will end up in the hospital for over-exertion or under-nourishment.

Your body IS perfect, but you will never be able to see that.

Do yourself a favor and wake up every day with the knowledge that you are you and you are enough.

That's all.

if you will sing for me;

1. I am a bit frustrated with humans, and their inability to express what the eff is going on in their heads.

2. Job interview Monday that is exciting and UTTERLY TERRIFYING. Send me good thoughts/vibes/prayers/whatever you've got.

3. Still no friends really, but looking forward to living with Jenn and Rachel and Jenn's friend in September. This has good potential.

4. On that note, apartment hunting is utter hell and no one will fucking advise me about it when I've asked.

5. A "trailer" video for Stacy London's new book came out.. in this book you see, she chose 9 women to be personally styled and in a photoshoot.. and she took applications (which was just an email summary of what your deal is and a picture) last fall. I was in a REALLY bad emotional place then, but I submitted one. I'll never know if I would have been picked though because I said in the email I'd be out of the country for at least the first 3 months of 2012, and they did the photoshoot in early March I think. So yeah. If nothing else I was eliminated based on that fact. IF nothing else. But frankly, I am forever going to be jealous of those 9 women. Actually 8. I'm jealous of 8 of them because I know one was a cancer survivor so she deserves this book and much more. But those other 8.. dude. Not fair. Its basically a once in a lifetime opportunity that I'll never even know if it was just bad timing, or if I just wasn't picked because I wasn't deserving of it. I have literally wondered about this for months now. I can't wait to read this book, but when I do I'm going to be pissed at these women. Just sayin.

tie a knot;

I am pretty much in a constant state of depression/disappointment.

Why is it impossible for anything in my life to work out?
Every single thing that I view as a potential opportunity ends up falling through the cracks despite my persistence.

I can't deal with this for much longer.
What if it doesn't get better?

plenty of nothing;

So here's what's up. 

1. Tyler came to visit! We did a lot of things including wandering ALL over the place and seeing things that are interesting, got several Tyler approved coffees (and one random frappiccino from Starbucks.. that's right- that's Tyler's wild side), saw PORGY & BESS AND HOLY HELL IT WAS SO FRICKING AMAZING PLEASE LET ME MARRY NORM LEWIS IMMEDIATELY. And also we ate at Serendipity and had massive sundaes, I had a kickass omlette at Mercer Kitchen, we looked at clothing in Soho, hung out at Chelsea Piers and in Hoboken, I SAW MAURO from Cake Boss but didn't get to meet him because my life is hell, had drinks at this bar thing that was underground and kind of scary looking from the outside but very tasty, and we ate at Max Brenner and went to the Met and... all the things.

2. The job situation is shit still. Nothing new.

3. I have potentially good roommates for September, and am very much looking forward to having my own space.. Though I am completely dreading the expenses and the move itself. Moving in Manhattan is like ... something no one should ever have to deal with ever. Its not cute. But I am also looking forward to making my room cute and stuff. That will hopefully be enjoyable. 

4. I need a female bff who I can go have coffee with and vent about life. Like really yo. I miss having bffs. 

Yes, I literally just said "bffs" ... 

ALSO I really want to go to that damn carnival thing at Central Park while its still summer and I have SO many shows I need to go see and I want to go to effing Coney Island and also it would be nice to go to a beach of some sort as I have NOT BEEN IN A BATHING SUIT AT ALL THIS ENTIRE SUMMER. 

I remain in a very weird emotional place... I really want to be brimming with joy but I am just always so preoccupied with the amount of chaos in my life I just can't. I am also obsessing over stupid body image shit and the like. I won't get into all that now but.. guh. Can I please just hang out with Stacy London? Honestly it seems like that would do me a world of good right now. 

Things I need but cannot afford:

-a haircut

-more legit work appropriate clothing- the stuff I have right now is a complete hot mess. I look like a 17 year old trying to be an adult and failing

-vegetables

-meat

-fruit

-ingredients for making quesadillas

-Crest white strips

But really though I want to marry Norm Lewis. Everyone should go see that show immediately. It is immaculate. 

i could use some friends for a change;

I have managed to diagnose my recent case of hating everything as caused by a lack of human companionship. I have been in a major funk lately, because of my bleak prospects for a new place to live & new job, and my lack of friends was making it worse. 

Monday evening I hung out with my dear Kayla, who has been my twitter pal since 2009.. we met on twitter thanks to being mutual lovers of Stacy London, and we've kept in touch via email/tumblr/facebook as well as twitter ever since. She is a complete doll, and came to NYC with her friend Jazmine. I spent some time with them, and Kayla's friend Dylan, on Monday just wandering about the city and having dinner at the Mercer Kitchen in Soho (SO GOOD), and then Kayla & Jazmine stayed the night at my place. 

I really had a wonderful time with them!! To be honest I was worried it would be awkward since I view myself as a bit of an awkward person, but it felt really natural and I was outgoing and all smiles. I was happy. 

And that made me realize that, yes, my main problem in my life right now is that I have no fucking friends. Because GUESS WHAT. I am a social being. I am an extrovert, and being around people makes me feel better and more alive than I do when I'm alone. When I'm by myself I have nowhere to look but inwards and always end up getting depressed.

..Now I just have to deal with my friendlessness until Tyler gets here. One week from tomorrow!! 

Yeah.. I realize that this is pathetic. Don't remind me.