doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone;

Yeah pretty sure I should update this thing now that I am not even in London anymore.. I am in Edinburgh, sitting on this dude's couch watching David Mitchell on tv.
I took the bus here, which was TEN HOURS of sitting and being pretty bored but it was okay because the whole way here we were looking at the English countryside out the windows! And THEN when we got to Scotland it was like HOLY CRAP SO GORGEOUS.. I took some pictures out the window but they were in motion and definitely did not do a justice to the stunning scenery. But I am staying in this dude's apartment which is mere FEET from the sea, which is PERFECT and the city center is only like 15mins away by bus. HOLLER. I am pretty stoked for exploring around tomorrow.

I feel like I should give a play by play of London, but my facebook album pretty much does that for me.. so go look at the pictures! It was a super fun time though. London is amazing. Its just such a multi-faceted city, which I love.. there is beautiful scenery, the West End, great art, music, food. Its got everything basically.

Anyway, yay for being in a new city. :)

i love the anonymity;

Well. I am no longer in Poland!!
That's right folks. Its goodbye to being an au pair and eating pierogi and stuff and hello to LONDON.
Although, getting here was a bit of a disaster.
My plane was supposed to leave at 6am. I got to the airport at like 4:45am, went though security, and then the dude who looks at passports was looking at mine and was like "where are the stamps?" and I was like well I was in Paris before I was here and the guy just looked at it and gave it back and didn't stamp it. Then when I got to Poland no one was even THERE to stamp anyone's passports. SO yeah. And then the guy was all annoyed because there was NO PROOF of how long I'd been there. BUH. SO he made me sit down to the side and called someone. Idk who it was. Maybe Barack Obama. AND then he was like ok its fine and let me go through. DUH ITS FINE I'M NO FOOL.
Anyway, then we boarded the plane on time, all was well, and we were about to take off when the captain said there were signs of a maintenance issue... so we had to go back and park and sit there while they looked at the plane.. TWICE. We sat there for over an hour. AND THEN they were like uhh the plane is broken everyone go back inside the airport. SO we did. About an hour later they announced the plane would be leaving at 2:30. I took a nap and was annoyed but it happens. THEN we got in line to board the plane for that, but then they were like uh nevermind its delayed again. Then bascally it was a huge hot mess of them not telling us anything and to make a long story short, we sat there until like 7:30.. then we all got in line to board again. AND WE STOOD THERE FOR OVER AN HOUR. WHY. And then we finally started boarding at like 9pm.
-____-
FIFTEEN HOUR DELAY.
RIDICULOUS.

When I got to London thank God Sara ended up coming to the airport to find me because all my money was Polish and the money changing place was closed and we had to take a weird train route because things were closed... we actually had to take a cab to her room from one of the train places. So yeah. Thank God she was there because I would have been SO LOST.

Yesterday we went to this outdoor market and to this giant mall at Canary Wharf and this gorgeous park in Greenwich (and ate ice cream cones!) and today I have seen the London Eye, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Tate Modern, and went to this outdoor food market thing where people sold different ethnic foods. All I got was an Italian bruschetta but if its a thing they do every day I might go back and try something else. I also went in some random stores and souvenir shops. And I also had a strawberry soda which was delicious. Right now I'm sitting in a Starbucks so I can have internet (because I don't have internet at Sara's) & trying to decide what to eat for dinner...

Anyway, I am having fun and it is awesome here.
All for now.

welcome to 23;

Well, I'm still battling it out with the job market, and so far I am losing.
Probably applied for about 200 jobs now. I am growing quite weary of this.

Alas. I will try to keep up the hope...

I have at last booked my hostel for Easter weekend in Ireland!! I am pretty excited about it, but to be honest all I can think about right now is: MUST. APPLY. FOR. JOBS.

However, right now I am too sleepy to keep packing and too lazy to apply for more jobs, so I am watching Mariska Hargitay in the movie "Welcome to 18" (lol) and doing this.

Can I just say though. Mariska Hargitay is the most adorable, talented, gorgeous, radiant, joyful, as close to perfect as they come, fucking amazing person ever. I just cannot deal with how UNREALISTICALLY beautiful her spirit is. Its cray.

In other news, tomorrow is my last real day in Poland which is crazy. Its gone by so fast, and I really am going to miss this family. They are too sweet.

I've also decided that even if I can't move to NYC right in May, I am going to keep applying for a million jobs a day until I get one, and even if I have to live alone in some sketchy ass neighborhood I will do that. I'll just get a little yappy dog also in hopes that the barking will deter predators.

And now here is something randomly philosophical.

I was thinking the other day about the human need for validation. Its a funny thing. The thing is, no one is ever alone. No matter how bad things seem or how much you might think no one is there for you, someone always is. Except, when we're at our worst, we can't listen to just anyone.
We all have people who we respect more than others, or who we long for validation from more than others.. And in our worst times its those who we need to hear from. And that's silly because most of the time those people are like.. celebrities or people who have already shown us that they are NOT reliable enough to be there for us when we need them.
And I am speaking from both experience and observation here.
Its like we feel so alone that when people who are expected to be there (like old, reliable friends or our parents or people who we don't think are cool enough) are there, and encourage us, we shut them down.
Wouldn't it be easier just to listen and believe it when those people tell us we are amazing and we deserve to be happy??
But something makes us deny them.
There are several celebrities who I admire and am hugely inspired by. Obviously. I wrote about my adoration for Mariska Hargitay in this very post! But when I feel like shit, she is not going to be there for me. I can't talk to her on facebook or via text. She is not in my life.
So why is it that we need people who aren't even real parts of our lives to validate us?
Its strange. And it makes things a lot tougher. Because, if I were in a puddle of self-hatred, and I shut down my parents and my friends who encouraged me, and I waited for Mariska Hargitay to tell me I was worth it, I would be waiting one long damn time.
We chase the love that alludes us.

(This doesn't mean I wouldn't LOVE to meet Mariska.. if I did I would completely flip shit. I adore that woman and her mere existence makes me grin like a fool.)

I'm just saying... wondering.. why can't we accept the love that is right before our eyes? Why is it so easy to look right around that and pretend it doesn't exist?

Anyway.

And now here is something about what I want to do with my life (I think):

I am blessed and very fortunate that at this point in my life I have not been a victim of sexual assault or abuse, or any sort of violence. I am lucky that I am not a part of that 25% (that's one in four women) who are victims of these crimes.
And I honestly cannot imagine going through something like that.
I watch SVU all the time and I think about the victims.. because I know that the cases on that show are mirror images of things that happen every day in the real world. And I can't even fathom how I would react to something like that.. would I be able to fight back? Would I lose my self worth completely? Would I lose all sense of dignity? Would I be able to tell people about it?
To me, it is a miracle to still be standing after going through something so horrific.
I am in awe of the strength of women who are able to say yes, I was raped, abused, assaulted, violated.. and I am still here.
I want to honor them, because the fact that they can do even that is beautiful and miraculous.
I want to show these women that they are perfect, beautiful, and worthy of the utmost respect and sincerest love that the world has to offer.
I want to give them the gifts of creativity, music, poetry, spoken word, theatre, dance, art, travel... I want them to experience the finest things in life, because those are the things they deserve.
I think swimming with dolphins is a beautifully healing & metaphorical thing for survivors of abuse. Dolphins are such free, happy creatures... and yet in places like Japan dolphins are being slaughtered. And yet so few people know about it. Right in our own neighborhoods, our families, women are being raped and abused every single day and yet so few people discuss it. Its like swimming with other survivors. Both are strong, and neither give up, because no matter how bad things get, there is always something good coming along. Joy and love will be there to meet you, wherever you are.
I am a true believer in the Joyful Heart Foundation. I am amazed by how innovative it is in the way it deals with these horrific issues, and I want to be a part of that.

I have so many ideas for the JHF.. ideas on the grassroots level like doing flashmobs in malls throughout the country to raise money and awareness.. and ideas on a much grander scale like slowly expanding the foundation until it becomes global.

I believe in my ideas. I thought of these things months ago, but haven't mentioned them to anyone until now.

But this is what I want to do.. I want to be a part of this incredible foundation, and I want to help these survivors.

:)
All for now peeps. Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers that I will stay safe as I travel and that I will find a job soon!!

bright lights & lollipops;

“I relish life. Its a life of which I am fiercely protective. I have wrestled it back from madness and madness cannot take it from me again. I will not throw it away. So what if it isn’t a normal life? Its the one I have. Its difficult, beautiful, painful, full of laughter, passing strange. Whatever else it is, whatever it brings - its mine.” -Mariska Hargitay

Hot damn I love Mariska Hargitay. She is like too perfect to be a real human.

Ok.

SO.
I have literally applied to over 100 jobs. Probably close to 150 if not more.
And I am beginning to freak out.

I mean, out of all those, there has to be AT LEAST ONE who thinks I am a viable candidate.. right?!?! You'd think so.
But of course my brain is like NOPE YOU SUCK YOU WILL LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX AND NEVER FIND A REAL JOB.

So basically I am freaking out. Every time I check my email I'm hoping there will be a reply from one of my job applications, but no such luck thus far. I don't know what to do.
I won't move to NYC without a job offer, and couldn't even if I wanted to because there are salary requirements when you sign a lease. So yeah. A job is what I need right now, first and foremost.

That's really all I wanted to say. Now I'm going to watch Will & Grace bloopers on youtube and laugh my troubles away.

so shake him off;

I am getting kind of emotional right now..
This has come out of nowhere.

I've been corresponding with a friend from high school about being roommates in NYC starting in just a couple months. And I've been applying to jobs like a MOFO.

...And just now I started looking at apartment listings to get an idea of my budget.

And then I got terrified.

I honestly have no idea how people (my age people that is who haven't had super real jobs yet) are able to afford this crap. I mean, its one thing if you have 3 or 4 people living in a one bedroom, but like.. holy cow bro. I might as well just pitch a tent in Central Park because that will be all I can afford.
Its not like the prices there are news to me, I guess its just the fact that this is SO CLOSE to being real... up till this point it has been this distant dream. Now its happening. We are planning it for real.
I'm worried that I won't find a good job or that I'll get fired within one week or something and then I won't be able to afford anything and I really just want to live in fucking NYC for God's sake WHY IS THIS SO HARD.

Sigh.

I mean.
Ok.
Somehow I legitimately have to be able to afford like up to $1000 in rent EACH MONTH. That is a lot. That is 12,000 a year.

... maybe I should create some sort of projected budget.. like estimate what utilities will cost on top of that.. then what I'll be spending on other things.. then what I will need to be earning after taxes in order to not die or be homeless.

How do people do this right out of college?
My mind is blown.
And I am flipping terrified.

here we go around again;

“You can’t just make me different and then leave. You can’t. You can’t change me and make my whole life centered around you, then leave.”

... But everyone does, don't they?

That is a quote from Looking for Alaska. I ran across it the other day while looking through old tumblr posts.

Its something I've been thinking about lately- how in a lifetime you come in contact with a number of people impossible to count. Every day we walk in and out of each other's lives and rarely stop to think what we're leaving behind with any one person.

I have been left with bliss, laughter, joy, hope, sadness, worry, rage, melancholy... and I know that I have left people with a range of both negative and positive emotions in my wake.

I do not know why I am making this thought into a blog post.

I guess I'm just saying.. we should all be responsible for the energy we bring to other people. Pay attention to where you're leaving someone when you walk out of a room.

Things I miss about America: Dr Pepper, sushi, burritos.

its the beat of her heart..

..saying "Let me be your star"

Basically, SMASH is an amazingly kickass show which I have fallen in love with. Its as if someone looked into my soul and made a tv show out of it. Its about Julia played by Debra Messing who is LOVELY as always and this Tom dude who write musicals... and its about them putting together a musical about Marilyn Monroe. And its got all the SINGING AND DANCING AND BROADWAYNESS... and it has all the elements of like.. a normal/good show aka amazing writing and stuff. I LOVE IT.

Also, in Poland they call crepes pancakes. We had those for dinner today. Except they're not like crepes in France really. Here they put jam or cottage cheese on them. They are tasty but nothing beats crepes in the latin quarter of Paris with nutella inside. :)

That's all.

no longer invisible children;

In light of this whole Kony 2012 thing, I feel the need to shed some light on the other side of the issue..

I have no problem with what Invisible Children is trying to do as an organization. I think its great that they want to try to help.

But the way they're going about this makes no sense to me.

Just because the dude who runs Invisible Children had no knowledge of the LRA prior to going to Africa does not mean that everyone else is as unaware. I haven't been an adult for that long, yet I've known about the LRA and problems in other African countries since like 9th grade. Invisible Children is a bit too self-important for my taste.

I watched the video that Invisible Children made about the Kony 2012 movement. And there were several things about it that did not sit right with me.. but at first I thought, well, I guess its ME who just doesn't get it. I'm sure they know what they're talking about.
The fact that Invisible Children is good at making videos and using social media does NOT mean that they know anything at all about the way international relations work, nor do they know what is in the best interest of the people of Uganda.
Upon further research & reading, my suspicions were confirmed. There are a LOT of issues with this movement, and I urge everyone to LOOK INTO THIS THOROUGHLY before blindly supporting a cause just because they made a good video that played to your emotions.

In my opinion, the only good thing that has come out of this thus far is that lots of people in the US who were completely unaware of the LRA and such are now aware of it. I am all for spreading awareness, but I do not think it was done in a very good way in this case.

Here are some basic issues I have with Kony 2012.

1. The commercialization of it. Why the hell is getting an "action kit" and wearing a crappy bracelet going to do ANY GOOD?! It does nothing. Things like that work to generate funds and spread awareness. Invisible Children has enough funds as it is, most of which they use to make more videos, and awareness has been spread.
Contrary to what Invisible Children wants you to think, the US government has been aware of these issues for years, and there have been people who are REALLY trying to help for years as well.

2. The lack of facts. We are not stupid. Tell us the whole story.

3. If Kony sees this media crusade, as an evil man, he will probably want to reinforce his power by INCREASING his murders and child abductions. He is not going to run away just because he's getting attention. The real way to catch him is to work from the bottom up.. get to his closest followers first, and get them to flip on his whereabouts or something. Invisible Children wants us to think that the US can just strut in and take him. But that is not how it works. Catching a perp is not an easy thing to do, especially one who is this confident in his influence. THINK IT THROUGH YO.

4. Wouldn't it be better to kind of ban together with the US, the UK, and countries in Europe to do something LEGIT to help the people of Africa?? I mean, Kony (when and if they catch him) would be prosecuted in the international criminal court.. and that is clearly not in the US so why does Invisible Children focus so individually on US government involvement in this?? We should be involved, no doubt, but it might work out a bit better if this were actually a worldwide thing.

5. Why Uganda?? There are lots of countries in Africa who are in great need. And Kony has kind of moved on from Uganda...

6. WHY NOW. What the hell is the significance of 2012 in all this?!? What happens if Kony is not caught THIS YEAR. Remember how long it took to get Bin Laden? A long time. Things like this are NOT as easy as Invisible Children wants you to think and it would be great if Kony was caught this year, but if he's not like.. what is going to happen then? I think its really ridiculous to put a timeline on this. Especially when it has been going on for YEARS and WE HAVE TRIED TO GET HIM BEFORE and failed.

I realize that most people reading this are going to want to smack me, but I urge you all to educate yourself fully on this issue before buying into the emotionally charged media that Invisible Children creates.
I have always been passionate about Africa, and its been my dream since age 14 to go to Africa and do something to help the children living in war & poverty have a better life.

I am in no way an expert on anything relating to this, but I am not alone in my views. After initially having negative feelings about the Kony 2012 movement, I saw these on tumblr.
PLEASE READ THEM. Get educated. See both sides of something before supporting it!!
http://w-omen.tumblr.com/post/18941964689/kony-2012-causing-more-harm-than-good
http://visiblechildren.tumblr.com/post/18890947431/we-got-trouble

Oh, and just so that I can take my own advice and look at both sides, here are Invisible Children's explanations for some of the criticism they have received.
http://s3.amazonaws.com/www.invisiblechildren.com/critiques.html

don't wait in line;

Here's the thing that is terrifying about my future.

My entire life, I have been expected to be above average. In school, I had to make all As, in band- first chair, in choir- loud & enthusiastic, in theatre- please everyone NEVER mess up and help other people with their parts, as a stage manager- a PRISTINE notebook and flawless shows, at work- never mess up anything ever ever ever. Even when I meet celebrities I have to be super memorable- need I reference the time Stacy London called me up in front of about 500 people to give me a beer? haha

I have a much more competitive nature than I let on. I am easily envious and I hate feeling like I am one step behind everyone else.

What I'm saying here is, I basically give myself SUPER high expectations. I don't have to just get a job- I have to become someone important. I want to be significant, influential, inspiring. I want to be awesome, basically.

I am also highly unsure what type of awesome I am looking for, but I am kind of hoping that will just come together on its own.

This whole like.. searching for a future thing is really frustrating and daunting and yeah. BUH.

PS. My host mom bought me jewelry today!! She is so so sweet. And those museums today were not as boring as I anticipated, and the kids were a lot happier than I anticipated them being, so it went fine. I am pretty exhausted now.

PSS. Someone remind me to send this host family a package when I get back to the US as a thank you!!

something about this place;

Well hello. I was given a "formal request" from my dear friend Taylor to update this thing more often, so here we go.

I have a little less than 3 weeks left here, so I have begun applying for jobs and planning more and more for my UK traveling.
Basically, I am going to apply to every job I can in NYC and my ultimate goal is to have moved there and have a job by my birthday at the LATEST. (Preferably though, I would like this to have happened by like June.)

I was thinking today that as much as a risk this portion of my life has been/is (the frolicking through Europe part), the next part is going to be even more of one.
What I really want is some stability.. because uncertainty is all I have at the moment.

Nothing interesting is happening, really.. We went to see an opera on Saturday about Marie Curie.. it was fine. Nothing too wonderful. Then Sunday we went to the zoo.. It was good but I always feel so awkward when the host family brings friends. Everyone speaks Polish of course so I just kind of chill and am quiet.

(Just now found out that host mom is making the kids and in turn, me, go to museums tomorrow. GUH. Do not want. Not at all. The kids are off school so the girls and I were talking about fun stuff we could do and now I find out that host mom is not working so therefore the day is going to be shitty and educational and boring as crap. Face it, I am a kid at heart and I would much prefer taking the kids to a playground than going to a museum.)

That's really all. My life is uneventful and Polish.