go for it anyway;

Here are some items of business.

1. I got on that guest list for the People's Court, and I was told I could bring a buddy (though I may NOT wear white or tan (LOL TELEVISION AUDIENCE RULES)) so I am going to fucking NYC in a couple weeks whether my jobs or my checking account like it or not. I have asked Katherine to join me, and I hope she can because of course I would prefer to have a buddy, but I am going either way and I am pretty stoked about it!!
PLUS I GET TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS JUDGE MILIAN MY QUEEN I LOVE HER.

2. My last day at the retail job is the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.. Thus, I only have a couple more weeks until I am back to being a one-job lady. That will be a relief.

3. I am really disappointed that I won't get to be in Italy for more than 3 months, but I am rolling with it and back to the grind of trying to find a host family so I can go somewhere else after that. Poland is an option now- I've emailed back and forth a couple times with a Polish family that seems awesome- I think I would love them. I hope that, or something equally good, works out.

4. I am mildly considering applying to the University of Miami for a Masters in Mental Health Counseling & Therapy. It seems like a really cool program.. Miami culture seems AWESOME, and I mean.. I am not TOTALLY sure that this is my true calling, but it is definitely something I have been interested in for years, so I think I should at least apply and see what happens!

5. That said, I need to take the GRE... and I need to do it before I leave the country. Luckily, there are a LOT of dates & times available in December (I'm leaning towards December 20 at the moment) .. because my UM application has to be in by March I think.. so I'll have to do that from Verona. :) (MY LIFE IS GETTING COOL Y'ALL)
Anyway.. sometime this week I need to locate a book with which to study for the GRE which has apparently changed VERY recently, so I'll have to get a new book. But.. whatever. I will learn some shit I guess and take a test and then I will have that to submit in case I FOR REAL go to grad school. The risky part of this is, I need to kick the GRE's ass, because I only have time to take it once before this application is due.. Blargh.

Anyway, that's what's up. :)

sit back down where you belong;

I need to learn to live my life to the fullest while I have the chance. I learned that lesson even more so today than I had before..
Yesterday I basically gave up on making it to NYC before Christmas to see The People's Court.. and I am 100% sure that everyone reading this is like lol wtf who gives a shit about a court show. But its not the SHOW that I love, its the Judge. More about that later.
TODAY, I was laying around like always, and I got a call from a 212 number.. I was like uhh ok what is this so I answered it in a haze, as the phone had awoken me from a nap. It was a lady from People's Court, telling me that there are tickets available for the week of November 15.
Now, I emailed about tickets about a month and a half ago. WHO GETS A RESPONSE to anything after that long. I was pretty surprised that I did.
And this may sound silly to you, but I am taking this as a sign that I should take that trip. Yes its yet another financial strain I'm putting on myself, but I work really hard every day, and I think I can make this work.
I need to become more of a risk taker, and stop fearing the future. I need to live life to the fullest and follow my dreams NOW. Because if not, it may never happen.
That has been the lesson of the day.
Now, more about that judge I love..
Judge Marilyn Milian has been a massive inspiration in my life, as I have been watching her preside over her courtroom since I was in 5th grade. I saw how knowledgeable, clever, wise, compassionate, confident, and FIERCE she is, and I wanted to both BE HER and know her at the same time. And I still feel that way. I have always been easily inspired by/infatuated with people, but there are a few who have shaped me into who I am today, and one of those people is Marilyn Milian... (the others are Susan Powell (though she was a friend of mine), Stacy London, Oprah, and Jurga, my boss at work). But that is really all. I love a LOT of people, but these are the ones who have REALLY shaped me into who I am, whether they know it or not, and gave me strong role models who I can look up to and strive to be more like.

Anyway, I am NYC bound in just a couple weeks!! Eek!! :D

fierce girls are going places;

I have decided to create myself an "inspiration board" of sorts.. but without the board itself for the time being. I am dissatisfied with the person I am acting like lately, and the way I have been responding to the challenges life's been throwing at me.
I admire a lot of people, the majority of whom are amazing, powerful, fierce as hell women who I would love to be more like. Below, I am going to list each person ...or character... and then some qualities that I see in them that I would like to cultivate in myself. :)

Jurga! (my boss at work)
-FIERCE
-never afraid to speak her mind
-epitome of a great leader: supportive yet stern
-knows what she is doing
-works with enthusiasm and a smile, even when she is exhausted or having a bad day
-smart.. seems to know EVERYTHING
-confident!!
-not afraid to take a risk
-doesn't let things bother her for too long.. deals with it, and moves on
-flipping gorgeous

Judge Marilyn Milian (who presides over The People's Court)
-HOLY CRAP SO PRETTY
-perceptive
-wise
-brilliant
-super confident in herself.. never doubts herself
-clever & funny
-makes people comfortable
-STRONG. Has gotten through many rough situations and gotten even stronger because of it.
-supportive of people emotionally, but never biased
-FIERCE
-not afraid to let loose on people who have done something wrong

Stacy London
-beautiful inside and out! :D
-generous
-loving & kind
-confident & FIERCE
-invests in others
-genuine
-creative and bold in her style choices
-believes in a little self-indulgence.. :)

Bernadette Peters
-follows her passion no matter what
-gotten through rough times and is still thriving
-BEAUTIFUL
-talented as fuck
-funny/clever
-confident!
-sweet and caring of everyone she encounters
-stylish

Renee on Desperate Housewives (played by Vanessa Williams)
-sassy & FIERCE AS HELL
-SO confident
-hot
-fabulous personal style
-encouraging yet frank
-risk taker

Lorelai Gilmore on Gilmore Girls (played by Lauren Graham)
-outgoing
-hilarious
-gorgeous
-unique, and unafraid to be her true self!
-always there when she is needed

Lucille Ball
-talented
-gorgeous
-HILARIOUS
-never afraid to take a risk
-confident
-spoke her mind

River Song on Doctor Who (played by Alex Kingston)
-HOT
-adventurous
-FIERCE
-super confident & outgoing
-loving
-self-sacrificing

Gabrielle Soliz on Desperate Housewives (played by Eva Longoria)
-adorable
-gorgeous
-SO funny
-super stylish
-moves on from tragedy with grace and confidence
-believes in the good in the world
-strong

Oprah Winfrey
-wise
-strong
-caring & loving
-not afraid to give in ANY way she can
-believes in herself
-not afraid to dig deep and face problems at their core
-believes in her dreams, and the power within herself

this was just a moment in the woods;

Well. Things are a much more organized hot mess than they were when last I wrote.

Due to the fact that there is no visa I can get for Italy, I am (by the demand of my mother) limiting my trip there to 90 days. So, I am beginning the search now for a family in either France or Ireland, where I know I can get an au pair visa.
This way, I will come back to the US at the end of March, and hopefully only be here for as long as it takes to get a visa for wherever I'm going next. :)
I have already emailed the agency that Erin used to be an au pair in France, so I have that and the website I used to find my lovely Italian family. Hopefully I will be able to work something out.

I am just glad that the host family, and my mother are BOTH okay with this arrangement, and I am SO happy that I will get to be in Italy for a while! :D

All I did all weekend was eat shitty food and watch tv and movies online, so that did give me some time to recharge and relax, which was GREAT after having worked so many days consecutively without a day off. And this week looks like its going to be pretty lax, especially since I don't have to work at job #2 at all.. AND I am off again this coming weekend. So yay for that.

Oh, and another good thing about the shortening of the Italy trip: a much easier packing job! AND I will get to visit my work family when I get back in late spring. (I am trying to point out the positives here, but I am genuinely disappointed I won't be getting my full 7 months or 1 year there.)

ALSO, I might add that getting to be in France with Erin would be rather amazing! I miss my buddy!

Anyway, we shall see what happens.

Side note; I adore Vanessa Williams lately.. she is PERFECT on Desperate Housewives.

nowhere fast;

Disclaimer: Don't read this if you don't want to read something emo. I do not owe you an apology for my emotions.

I have been mulling over writing this all day.
I feel completely defeated and directionless and worthless right now.

My whole life I have wondered what my purpose was and I have never even been close to finding it.
I feel like I have failed. My life is a failure. The only direction I had going into college was that I wanted to do theatre. I was sooooo into it. But it became very clear throughout college (even moreso than it was before) that I lacked the talent to pursue performing, and I lacked the wherewithal it would take to make a career out of stage managing. And as far as anything like directing or writing.. nope. No talent or passion for either of those.
I did the PR thing because I thought it might be fun and enjoyable... but it wasn't. I did not enjoy those classes really at all. I have no desire to do that as a career.

I always say that I would maybe enjoy psychology, but hell no I do not want to go back to school.

Growing up and making good grades and shit was find and dandy, but it puts a LOT of expectations on you. I feel like going to college was a waste because now here I am COMPLETELY directionless. I feel like I have failed everyone who told me I would do great things with my life. I have failed everyone.

I have always been afraid this would happen, but never REALLY thought it would. I thought I would move to NYC and something would fall into place.. but now I know so many people up there that I feel like it would be weird to also move there... I feel like it would almost be like me copying everyone else at this point.

So I chose to try out the Europe thing. I really REALLY do want to see the world.. but look where that has got me. Dreaming big has knocked me down. To be completely honest, I resent the fact that this has been and is so easy for other people, who have more opportunities and/or more funding than I will ever have to travel. I am COMPLETELY aware, obviously, that there are millions upon millions of people who are worse off than I am.. but when everyone around you gets these opportunities and you are the one fighting tooth and nail and working your ass off and getting ZERO payoff.. it is really hard.

I still don't know what's going to happen with that.

On the phone today my mom was like well why don't you just come home for a while and do some research and decide what you want to do... and I was like.. NO. To me that is the ULTIMATE failure- moving back home. That is the last thing I want. At least where I am now I can hide from people I knew growing up who expect all these big things out of me.

I feel like I have disappointed everyone and failed everyone and that I have no potential to do anything at all with my life.
I realize that I am a hot mess right now.. but really all I want out of anyone is to just BE THERE WITH ME through this. LET ME feel how I feel and sympathize with me. That is what I want from someone. I don't want the crap I've been hearing all damn day from everyone about how I am giving up because I honestly feel like I am on a dead end road.

don't think they'll be needing me anymore;

Today was supposed to be visa day.

I woke up and got ready and went and got gas and went to the fedex store to get yet another set of pre-paid envelopes, because apparently they prefer fedex instead of the normal post office.. and I just wanted to have it all be right.

So I drove all the way there.. got there earlier than I thought I would and found a Caribou. Sat there for a long time.. waiting.

Then it was like 3:25, so I went over to the visa office and got my shit together.. sat there a moment freaking out.

Then I went in there and I had all the shit and though it was going to be fine. So.. I went in there and they saw that I was applying for the 90 day visa (because even though I clearly WANTED to stay much longer) and started looking through my papers and checking things off..

*Side note: I was going to apply for a long term visa, but it seemed that there IS NO such thing as a tourist visa for more than 90 days, and the work visa which I also could have gotten takes over 6 months to get. -_-

So. Host dad told me just to get the 90 days one and we would go from there.

So that is what I tried to do.

They said that my health insurance info wasn't good enough, even though I USED THE FORM THAT THEIR WEBSITE SUPPLIED. What the fuck.

THEN they said that I would not be able to enter the country without a return trip ticket. EVEN THOUGH THE WEBSITE SAID PROOF THAT YOU CAN & WILL BUY ONE WOULD BE FINE. I had a notarized affidavit along with a form from the bank showing that I have ample funding to buy a plane ticket.

Apparently that wasn't good enough.

THEN they were like how long are you staying? And I was like uh I guess 90 days (because I thought that was all I COULD stay)

And they were like uh you don't need a visa for 90 days.

What


the


ever

living





FUCK.


So I was like okaaaaaaaaaaaay.. so what if I decide NOW that I want to stay more than that?? And they were like then you'd have to make another appointment. WHAT WHY. ALSO the asshole was like anyway you still would need a return trip ticket.

I don't believe that one bit.

No one buys a round trip with MONTHS between the flights. That is bullshit.

SO they wont give me a visa.. and now I don't know what I'm going to do. I stormed out of there and probably shut the door behind me a bit too hard and they probably thought I was a horrible person. But.. fuck them. I called them more than 5 times and emailed more than 5 times and asked everyone I knew to ask about this shit and got ZERO answers.

I am so pissed and upset and I wasted SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY on this...

I don't know where to go from here.

I have nothing without this Italy thing.
My lease ends at the end of December, I have already told both my bosses I am leaving my jobs, I have no idea what sort of career I want to pursue in the real world. This was going to be MY time. MY payoff for working my ass off all these years. This was going to be the ONE risk I've ever taken.. the ONE thing I have ever tried to do 100%, throwing caution to the wind and following my heart.
And now its just a disaster.

I feel like my life is completely worthless, and I feel like I am just not even worth it as a person. Everything and everyone has slowly dissipated out of my life and now I have nothing and nowhere to go and.. I'm back to square one wondering what the fuck to do with myself now that this may not happen anymore.

Without a visa, I could still go to Italy for 3 months, but most people won't even take au pairs for such a short time.

I hate this.
Why doesn't anything I ever want go right.
Why is it that everyone else gets these amazing opportunities to travel but I have to fight tooth and nail to get to do anything, and then it doesn't even work out.

(Oh, and I even asked WHAT TYPE OF VISA WOULD I NEED if I wanted to re-apply to stay longer than 90 days... and the fucking dumbass woman didn't even have an answer for me. Thanks a lot bitch.)

I cried on the phone to my mom about it ... like BREAKDOWN cry... and the tears continued on and off the whole way home. And I would like to add that I got lost on the way home, so the drive was twice as long as it should have been. I hate everything today.


My life is a dead end.
Please get me out of here.

break till I shatter;

I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take.
This visa shit just keeps getting more and more complicated and I only ate a sandwich at 10am yesterday and didn't eat after that until 11:45am today and I had a bagel then and I haven't slept in about 3 days and no one is here to support me and I keep crying and yelling at the air because this SUCKS SO MUCH and everything is so damn stressful and ridiculous and work and GAHH THERE IS JUST NO TIME for anything at all. I can't do this.

dream on a star;

This is going to be some disjointed words:

I need a therapist. Or at least someone who will let me vent at them and cry on the phone to and get hugs from occasionally. Or perhaps both of those.

I am ready for this 'living in a town I don't like and working 2 jobs that I'm not happy with' to be over.

I am in love with River Song (from Doctor Who).

Judge Milian is such a badass.. I REALLY NEED TO GET MY ASS TO NYC AND SEE THE PEOPLE'S COURT.

I cannot wait to do nothing this weekend. Or maybe go to the fair if I can find someone to go with.

water just like air;

Maddie Ziegler, this performance was done when she was 8 years old.
Someone please make this child a star.

i want it;

Things I am passionate about:
theatre
music
dance
children
getting to the root of why people do what they do (basically amateur psychology)
the entertainment industry
television
talent
performers
travel
Europe
literature
personal style
Manhattan

..anyone want to tell me how to make a career out of one or more of those things?? lol.

hooked to a machine;

This is going to be a post about tv.

The shows I am watching this season, as well as my thoughts on them, are to follow.

First of all, Doctor Who, which recently had its season finale, was KICKASS. I ship the Doctor and River 100%.. gah. What an OTP. Anyway I am loving it. It keeps getting better and better and I wish River Song could be a permanent character... :(

Desperate Housewives is kickass. I am starting to love Renee, who I didn't like at all prior to this season. She is just honestly the only realistic character!!! NO ONE in the real world has a life like Bree or Gaby or Susan... Lynette is kind of realistic. But they all have too much drama! Renee has drama, but its like.. normal.. I like that. But of course I eat up all the drama on the show, just saying that its not realistic at all, but its not supposed to be. I love that show (where the hell has M.J. gone?!) and I am sad that this is their final season!

2 Broke Girls- new but amazing!! I LOVE IT. I love the bond between the 2 girls despite their opposite backgrounds. So funny, absolutely delightful. I just love it! Everyone should watch this so it can stay on for multiple seasons! :D

PARENTHOOD. I AM LOVING PARENTHOOD. All the characters are realistic and believable and just dramatic and quirky enough... I just love it. Adam is a hilarious character.. and Lauren Graham is perfect all the time. I love the kids on there too!! They are all so talented and real- AND they improv a lot of their lines and its so natural and just great. Beautiful ensemble cast.

Dance Moms. Sweet mother of God I love that show. Season 1 is over sadly, but I cannot wait for season 2. There was a lot of drama, but those kids are SO incredible and I respect them. So much talent and drive!! Maddie is my favorite.. I think she is the most talented because she WORKS HER LITTLE ASS OFF and just has a level of determination that the others don't have.. She is also super mature (was EIGHT YEARS OLD throughout the season, but has had a birthday since) and she is just emotionally very strong, despite the fact that it seems like her mom is kind of a flake and her dad is .. weird. That kid is going places, and I really hope that she achieves her dreams. Chloe is my 2nd favorite. She is just precious and very talented as well. She would be a fabulous Rockette. :)
PS Abby Lee Miller is FUCKING INCREDIBLE. GOD that choreography is good!!

Big Bang Theory. Ok.. can Leonard please break up with Priya. I love Amy & Penny's friendship though, and I love that Sheldon's character is a little more loose than it used to be. It shows that he is growing as a character and I like that. Funny show, definitely worth watching.

Community. I love that show.. its hilarious, but I have to admit that I liked the previous seasons better than this one so far... Its still quirky and funny, but I just wish there was more of a plot. There is no story arc anymore.. Buh. I am definitely still watching though. Its a good show.

Project Runway! GAHH THEY'RE ABOUT TO GO TO FASHION WEEK. I like Anya, but I LOVE Josh... I want him to win because he is super unique, super skilled, and super sassy. But I honestly hope that he, Anya and Victor all have amazing careers in fashion (and also Laura) because they are amazing. I am really not a fan of Kimberly, and I thought she should have gone home (along with Laura, not instead of). BUT I LOVE BERT a lot. And I miss him. He was clearly not the best and didn't deserve to get to fashion week, but he started out so mean and became so nice and I love that. He is a wonderful guy and I hope he achieves whatever he wishes. :)

...that might be all. :) What do you guys think?? What are you watching this fall?

you will go to the paper towns;

I am so overwhelmed with everything.

Shit is getting REAL on this visa... like.. who dude. It pleases me to realize how quickly time is passing, since I cannot wait to get out of here, but this has really snuck up on me. AND since my second job has scheduled me for a marathon of shifts this weekend through the first half of next week, I really only have today, tomorrow & Friday... and next Wednesday to get this shit together. Next Friday is my appointment. Next Thursday, all I want to have to do is look through everything and make sure my ducks are in a row. Next Wednesday is the day I will need to make copies of all the shit... SO BASICALLY that means I need to get this all done by the end of this week.
I also need to get this bank letter which like.. BUH. WHAT. Its so complicated and I am completely on my own trying to figure it out. I feel like there should be discussion forums for shit like this.. and trust me, I have searched for them! The only stuff I found were a few words from like 2008. Not relevant dude. I need some assistance here and after relentlessly trying to contact the consulate, I have yet to speak to a human. -__-

Anyway, it is a hot mess, but I am trying to take it one step at a time and deal with it.

In other news, I need to start realizing that my feelings are just as important as everyone else's.
Also, I really regret that I didn't start dancing/acting/singing when I was really little. I don't know that I would have ended up equipped to have a career in performing, but at least I would have had a shot at it.

And.. I am very frustrated in situations where I am clearly being overlooked because people ALWAYS want to talk about themselves and don't even bother to REALLY try and see what is going on with me.

'I've lived here all my life and I've never met anyone who wants to talk about anything that matters.'

sunshine & santa claus;

It looks like my pending NYC trip for November may be a no-go. The dilemma is that I am trying to spend as little money as possible and also have the most efficient trip possible. Planes and trains are too expensive (upwards of $160)... I can get there on a bus for less than $50 and I would save on cab fare from the airport that way as well. However, it takes a long time to get there on a bus. Its just a mess trying to coordinate the bus and then actually being able to be there enough time to do things and then get back and miss as little work as possible.
Also, as it happens, there are no discount tickets available for any of the shows I want to see, so I would have to use TKTS, which is never a guarantee... BUH.

Its just a hot mess.
I am slightly disappointed.

I just really need a break.

have my cake;

*If you don't want to deal with reading all my complaining and emo shit, I respect that. Don't read this.*

Today is my birthday.

To be honest, it was probably the worst one I've ever had. But I realize that I am an incredibly blessed person and I have many many things to be grateful for.

I am just in a really negative emotional place right now... It has faded away a tiny bit since this afternoon, but its still here.

I need to work to pull myself out of this though, because I have to be realistic. I cannot keep waiting for someone to break down the walls I put up to avoid inconveniencing people by sharing my feelings. I need to either pick someone to talk to, or just get over it. The latter is what I normally end up doing. People seem to give zero shits about me a lot of the time.

I go out of my way to be there for people emotionally and physically and mentally and I go out of my way to make people happy and make them feel like they are awesome because they are. But I have never really felt like anyone has gone to such lengths for me. Yes, of course I have friends to will listen to me, but.. most of the time these are the people who are never really around physically. I have just never (and especially not now) felt like I had a loving support system who would do anything to help me.
And honestly, I think I deserve an amazing support system. I think everyone deserves that. Its what keeps people sane.
The only things lately I have been able to take comfort in are tumblr and my favorite tv shows. And that is not real. That is just an escape.

I am frustrated with many things:
being alone constantly
having very few friends who live near by and the ones who do are as busy as I am
both my jobs.. one for the stress and exhaustion and the other for the frustration and annoyance
visa shit is stressful
I am worried about money
I am frustrated with humans
and then it was the day before my birthday and I had nothing to look forward to for my birthday.. that was just the icing on the cake. Its one of the most lonely feelings I have ever experienced. Because a birthday is like.. the day you're supposed to be like HELL YEAH TODAY IS MY DAY but instead mine was a very busy shift at work where I was already in this horrible mood.. literally holding back tears all day.. (I actually did cry a lot yesterday on the phone with my mom)...and then like.. no one at all did anything for me today except my parents. I know that sounds horrible. Its just like.. when all you get is an "Oh! Its your birthday? Happy Birthday!" its pretty clear that no one knew when your birthday was to begin with. I would be very happy with a "Omg hey happy birthday!!" in which its clear that the person knew beforehand and gave at least one shit. That's all I ask for. One shit.

I realize that this is all a teeny bit of an overstatement, but I am seriously feeling completely unwanted and forgotten right now and that is an honest feeling coming from a very emo place that I am in.

I did get a few legit, already-knew-it-was-your-birthday birthday wishes, which I do really REALLY appreciate. I am just really emo lately, and that's how it is.

sick and tired;

I am tired of pretending like everything is okay.
And I am tired of being afraid to express my feelings because of what others will think of me.
And I am tired of not ever being good enough.

the good times are killin me;

I am on the verge of tears right now and I never cry.

I am so stressed and overworked and overwhelmed and upset and alone and I hate this.

Tomorrow is my fucking birthday and instead of getting to do anything fun or even relax and sleep, I have to get to work at 4:30 in the morning.

After I get off work, my celebration will include hanging out with no one and doing nothing. Sounds so fun. -_______-

I am just completely feeling like a doormat right now having to deal with the whims of both these jobs and I am at the end of my rope and my endurance is running out and I am going to have an emotional breakdown.

I just feel like I have no support system whatsoever and no one to talk to and no sympathy from anyone and I can never catch a break.

Someone please get me out of here.

if I can wait;

Today was stupid and lame.
I am very very frustrated (still) with trying to work at 2 different places which require such ridiculous hours of me. I have set my availability at job #2 in a way such that I should have NO PROBLEMS with this, but apparently there is a disconnect between what I set as my availability and the schedule that gets made EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Its not fair at all, yet I keep putting up with it because I am a chicken about confronting people about things.

This problem would never have happened if I had just talked to people at job #1 WAY BACK IN JUNE about my hours getting decreased... I feel like they would have taken care of that for me, but no.. I was too scared to do that because I hate seeming ungrateful for the position I have been given. Why am I so stupid.

Instead I ASSUMED that it would be wrong of me to ask about getting more hours, so I had to go out and get a SECOND JOB. WHYYYYYYYY.

Things I have learned from this:
1. NEVER BE AFRAID TO ASK TO WORK MORE AT A JOB YOU HAVE WHERE THE PEOPLE CLEARLY LIKE YOU.
2. Never get a second job if you like sleeping.
3. Emotional breakdowns suck.

Because of the 2 job thing, I now have only about 7 days to get ALL THE THINGS together for my visa. This has snuck on me super fast, and I am totally freaking out about it. (You see, there are about 15 days until my appointment, but about half of those will be spent working at BOTH places, and thus there is no hope on those days of getting anything productive done at all.)

I am worried.

Also, Friday is my birthday. And I have no plans. Well, actually, my plan is to do NOTHING and RELAX and buy things on the internet and then Saturday I think Taylor is coming and I guess we will go shopping and go out to eat and stuff like that. ALSO my parents are coming by for a little while Friday with a CAKE in hand. So that will be lovely. I just really want to have a nice, relaxing weekend. And I only have 2 more shifts of work before it begins. Hallelujah.

I am just generally stressed as hell right now.
I need some zen time.

memories are fresh;

I feel like i have done the right thing here.

I do not have the time right now or the emotional energy to deal with the possible consequences of what this would have caused. I don't want this on the front page of the newspaper, so that means I am not ready yet to have it happen in my life. Sure it could have been amazing... but I feel like I was pushing myself into thinking that based on nothing. Who knows really.

I really like to tell Erin all the things though. We got really close.. like closer than we were before over the summer because we were just more candid with each other. And I didn't want to tell her about this, so that tells me that I might should just stop it before it starts.

It probably sounds like I am writing about something awful right now. I am really not. Its just something that would have been a lot to deal with when I am a person who is trying to leave the country at the end of December.

Anyway. Its my birthday week. I want to try and get a few productive things done while still being chill.. and I work at both jobs a lot so yeah. Good times.

i heard that your dreams came true;

Life is a big bag of confusion. And the times where you really want something to happen but you're not totally sure if its right for you and you don't know who to talk to about it because very few people would understand... Those are confusing times. Like, part of me thinks this is ridiculous and I am just making this decision based on nothing. But the other part of me is like duh.. this is so obvious and has been staring you in the face all your life and at last its being seen. I guess its all just really intimidating.. and I feel so young and unsure of things but at the same time so.. pleased with the potential here. My brain is like.. constantly spinning about based on this topic. I just wish it wasn't such a big deal!! I mean.. I guess I am making it a big deal but I feel like most other people would too.. idk. Its weird.

But it excites me.

I guess its just something I will have to give a shot at and see what happens. It might be the best thing ever, but it might end up being something I regret a lot.

Time will tell yo.

/weird confusion-based rant.

You're not supposed to know what that is about, and if you ask I will not tell you. I'm just trying to figure out some things right now...and its really confusing.

And on top of that confusion, I am also trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I am pretty sure at this point that if I like the au pair thing, I will definitely do it in at least one other city than Verona. Possibly Paris, if I end up loving Paris when I go there for New Years. But I really want to spend some time in London as well.

Lately I have been tossing around the idea of going to grad school.. my interest in law is kind of resurfacing lately (watching too much People's Court I guess) but I have always been interested in psychology.. but the more I think about it the more I think that television would be an ideal career for me. Like, I have always been in love with tv. As Erin would say, I was raised by a television. Which is not true at all. I did watch a lot of tv as a kid though, and watch a lot (although its online) to this day. I would love to be like.. a producer or an actor or a host of some kind... who knows. I would not know AT ALL how to get started in such a field though. I feel like that's the kind of thing you have to jump into when you're young or else you'll never get where you want to be. And with me leaving the country, its not like I could pursue it NOW.. especially since I have no idea when I will be back for good.

Bag of confusion. And its not even a normal bag.. its one of those Mary Poppins bags where finally you get to the end of one thing, and as soon as you stick your hand back in there, you find something else ridiculous.