“There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can’t know better until knowing better is useless.”
-John Green's 'Looking For Alaska'
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
365 thoughts (6)
Thinking about the past, sometimes I feel like going back there. In my mind I make it better, I block out the negative and remember when we were carefree and happy and up all night. But then I look at the evidence; a letter, a photo, a saved text; and I realize how much better we are now. The time we shared together was a season wrought with pain and heartache and stifled growth; it was a time when we were all so unsure and were too afraid to say anything that mattered. But now we have separated and grown and had a chance to come into ourselves away from each other and we are so much happier. Even though it may not always seem like it, this is better.
Where we are going is so much better than what we left behind.
Where we are going is so much better than what we left behind.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
365 thoughts (5)
In escaping to an imagined world, you & I found something real. Something unshakable and treasured and sacred.
But with you, in the real world, I found something false and fragile. Something so easily torn and shaken to its very core that I will not be surprised when the tide washes it away.
The change of seasons.
But with you, in the real world, I found something false and fragile. Something so easily torn and shaken to its very core that I will not be surprised when the tide washes it away.
The change of seasons.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
365 thoughts (4)
It really is all about loving people and being happy. Life is what you make it, and if you don't make it happy, you won't be happy. Its simple as that. So take your normal, monotonous, boring days and make them into days filled with adventure. Take some risks. Be spontaneous. Look around yourself and appreciate where you are. Make some moments for yourself. Fall back in love with life.
Monday, January 24, 2011
365 thoughts (3)
The brink, the cusp, is a strange place to be stand. You can see where you came from & where you're going, but you're not sure what you think about either. You know who you were & who you could be, but who you are is a constant question. This is the cusp of the real & the imagined. The future pulls you in while the past holds onto you, and your present feet waver under the pressure. But the more things change, the more the important things -- the depths of things, the truth of what things are under the cover of darkness and despite the overwhelming laughter and muddled cries of frustration, along with the love and laughter that is the essence of life -- they stay the same.
I'm standing on the cusp and wishing I were stronger, and knowing that I'm never going to change.
I'm standing on the cusp and wishing I were stronger, and knowing that I'm never going to change.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
365 thoughts (2)
(inspired by Sarah Dessen)
The truth is, forever really is happening right now. It used to be a moment far far away, off in the distance like the end of a tunnel to which the light is nowhere yet in sight. But yesterday, the beginning of forever was today, and when you were a kid, forever was when you grew up... and look, you've grown up. Forever is passing us by. Its zooming past us. We may be stuck in the tunnel, but forever is the train and soon it will have passed.
The truth is, forever really is happening right now. It used to be a moment far far away, off in the distance like the end of a tunnel to which the light is nowhere yet in sight. But yesterday, the beginning of forever was today, and when you were a kid, forever was when you grew up... and look, you've grown up. Forever is passing us by. Its zooming past us. We may be stuck in the tunnel, but forever is the train and soon it will have passed.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
365 thoughts (1)
(To preface this post, I have become inspired by 365words.tumblr.com, and would like to start doing a daily.. or.. maybe almost daily.. short post with just like.. current thoughts/feelings/prose/whatever. AND SO IT BEGINS!)
I'm tracing echoes of your fingerprints in things you once touched hoping to feel something or to remember that lost word, the missed glance, the stolen time. I can't sleep without the echoes, because they make me remember. I'm sitting here tracing echoes of your fingerprints, and I'm losing faith because there's so much less to me without you.
I'm tracing echoes of your fingerprints in things you once touched hoping to feel something or to remember that lost word, the missed glance, the stolen time. I can't sleep without the echoes, because they make me remember. I'm sitting here tracing echoes of your fingerprints, and I'm losing faith because there's so much less to me without you.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
search the ruins for trap doors, wonder what you're put here for;
Lots of times I find myself looking at the world through .. Kelley-colored glasses, and don't tend to notice rifts .. or "cracks" if you will that are disturbing the people around me. (I feel like I stated that very wrongly.) Allow me to give an example. I sometimes can get so wrapped up in like.. assuming that nothing is wrong and/or that old wounds have healed, that I don't notice when my friends are being plagued by old wounds or other such things like that. This has happened before. And I don't think there's a way for me to like.. change the fact that I assume the best and assume that everyone is going to get along with everyone because I get along with the said subset of 'everyone' to which I refer.
Anyway, my point in this is, I want people to feel comfortable talking to me. (Most of my close friends are I think, but this is something that's really important to me & it needs to be said.) If you have a problem of any sort, (especially if it involves me somehow) I want you to know that you can tell me. If you explain your feelings & they are sincere, I can take it. I am not going to hold a grudge against someone for getting their feelings out. Just so we're clear. :)
*Random: I am watching 'The Talk' right now, and they're talking about "Emotional Vampires" ... OHHH this is so appropriate for my current thought process. haha
But OHMY how I feel comforted by hearing this. This has happened to me. THIS IS SO TRUE YOU GUYS. I LOVE THE LADIES OF THE TALK.
Julie Chen is a badass. I love it.
------------------------
That was part A of this blog post, and here is part B.
The things that motivate people and make them tick FASCINATE ME. I actually kind of enjoy talking about like.. tough times/issues, because its so interesting me to see how people operate, and how those who have been victimized manage to work through it and overcome inner conflict and grow through those tough times. Also I really just like to learn about people. I feel like knowing someone's past (even if it may be a dark past) helps you understand where that person comes from and why they do what they do and how they respond to things. Its cool.
(Talks with Katherine are my favorite.)
------------
And from hence comes part C.
...
Oh you, you're the best. I can't say I'm sorry enough even though what I'm apologizing for is (hopefully possibly?) not even on your radar anymore. But even though I thought I was doing everything for you, I didn't stop to consider how you might be feeling or what you might be thinking and how much you were having to overcome while it was all happening. But I want you to know that I am all in, and I am on this theoretical boat with you. I never mind doing things for you because I feel light & free when I'm around you. Yes we've had our issues at times, but it happens, and we get through it, because without all the sideline drama, we are honestly close to perfect together. I don't mean WE are perfect, I mean that the dynamic between us is. On our best days, we lift each other up and laugh for hours and dance and sing and jovially pick on each other and hold hands. Its one of those things... Its rare and frolicsome and unsaleable and special and nothing can match it.
----------------
There is more to come, at a later time. Its late o'clock.
Anyway, my point in this is, I want people to feel comfortable talking to me. (Most of my close friends are I think, but this is something that's really important to me & it needs to be said.) If you have a problem of any sort, (especially if it involves me somehow) I want you to know that you can tell me. If you explain your feelings & they are sincere, I can take it. I am not going to hold a grudge against someone for getting their feelings out. Just so we're clear. :)
*Random: I am watching 'The Talk' right now, and they're talking about "Emotional Vampires" ... OHHH this is so appropriate for my current thought process. haha
But OHMY how I feel comforted by hearing this. This has happened to me. THIS IS SO TRUE YOU GUYS. I LOVE THE LADIES OF THE TALK.
Julie Chen is a badass. I love it.
------------------------
That was part A of this blog post, and here is part B.
The things that motivate people and make them tick FASCINATE ME. I actually kind of enjoy talking about like.. tough times/issues, because its so interesting me to see how people operate, and how those who have been victimized manage to work through it and overcome inner conflict and grow through those tough times. Also I really just like to learn about people. I feel like knowing someone's past (even if it may be a dark past) helps you understand where that person comes from and why they do what they do and how they respond to things. Its cool.
(Talks with Katherine are my favorite.)
------------
And from hence comes part C.
...
Oh you, you're the best. I can't say I'm sorry enough even though what I'm apologizing for is (hopefully possibly?) not even on your radar anymore. But even though I thought I was doing everything for you, I didn't stop to consider how you might be feeling or what you might be thinking and how much you were having to overcome while it was all happening. But I want you to know that I am all in, and I am on this theoretical boat with you. I never mind doing things for you because I feel light & free when I'm around you. Yes we've had our issues at times, but it happens, and we get through it, because without all the sideline drama, we are honestly close to perfect together. I don't mean WE are perfect, I mean that the dynamic between us is. On our best days, we lift each other up and laugh for hours and dance and sing and jovially pick on each other and hold hands. Its one of those things... Its rare and frolicsome and unsaleable and special and nothing can match it.
----------------
There is more to come, at a later time. Its late o'clock.
Monday, January 17, 2011
a song for a lunatic;
The following video features me (as Florent Mothe), Erin (as herself), and Leigh (as Mikelangelo Loconte). This was a funny idea we had for an 'outtake' while making our THIRD Mozart l'Opera Rock music video parody.
(If you are someone I don't know in real life who happens to be reading this, google those names and you will find explanations to all your confusion.)
Gimme dat Flo
Yeah, it uh.. might be my favorite thing ever. :)
(If you are someone I don't know in real life who happens to be reading this, google those names and you will find explanations to all your confusion.)
Gimme dat Flo
Yeah, it uh.. might be my favorite thing ever. :)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
you are the best thing that's ever been mine;
You know, sometimes I am a really stupid idiot.
Sometimes I am a really really sucky friend.
Sometimes distance causes me to forget how much people mean to me.
Well, if I have anything to say about it, my sucky era ends now.
I want you to know how sorry I am for forgetting how much I love you.
I want you to know how sorry I am for forgetting how wise you were and how I was just maneuvering for my own personal gain and trying not to be a villain.
I want you to know how sorry I am for neglecting your interests and ignoring the things that meant most to you.
Here's what I know now.
I know that what we have is amazing. I know that you are the best thing that's ever been mine and I have screwed that up more than once and I hope with every fiber of my being that that never happens again. And even if the things you're interested aren't the things I am interested in, I owe you my support. If I don't care about your life and your interests, then I am failing you. I was selfish to want nothing to change. I am SO SO proud of you, and I am going to try to be the friend you TRULY deserve from now on.
I'm sorry I have failed you so often.
I love you more than life. You are basically the wisest person I know. You are incredibly gorgeous, inside and out, and I am so blessed to have you in my life.
You have no idea how much I admire everything you are, and how in awe I am when I take a moment to consider how lucky I am to have you as a friend.
I'm so much better when you're here.
You make me remember who I am,
and you take me to the places that alone I'd never find.
Making you laugh is my favorite.
I never want to make you anything but happy.
You're my bestest. <3
Sometimes I am a really really sucky friend.
Sometimes distance causes me to forget how much people mean to me.
Well, if I have anything to say about it, my sucky era ends now.
I want you to know how sorry I am for forgetting how much I love you.
I want you to know how sorry I am for forgetting how wise you were and how I was just maneuvering for my own personal gain and trying not to be a villain.
I want you to know how sorry I am for neglecting your interests and ignoring the things that meant most to you.
Here's what I know now.
I know that what we have is amazing. I know that you are the best thing that's ever been mine and I have screwed that up more than once and I hope with every fiber of my being that that never happens again. And even if the things you're interested aren't the things I am interested in, I owe you my support. If I don't care about your life and your interests, then I am failing you. I was selfish to want nothing to change. I am SO SO proud of you, and I am going to try to be the friend you TRULY deserve from now on.
I'm sorry I have failed you so often.
I love you more than life. You are basically the wisest person I know. You are incredibly gorgeous, inside and out, and I am so blessed to have you in my life.
You have no idea how much I admire everything you are, and how in awe I am when I take a moment to consider how lucky I am to have you as a friend.
I'm so much better when you're here.
You make me remember who I am,
and you take me to the places that alone I'd never find.
Making you laugh is my favorite.
I never want to make you anything but happy.
You're my bestest. <3
Monday, January 10, 2011
you jump, i jump, jack;
"I want to think again of dangerous & noble things. I want to be light & frolicsome. I want to be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings." -Mary Oliver
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2010- the year in review;
Ok, so I just read this OLD myspace blog post entitled "2007- the year in review".. and I was so amused by it and remembered so many funny things that otherwise would have been forgotten, that I've now become inspired to write one for 2010.
And so it begins.
In 2010 I...
-rang in the new year at Erin's house in the midst of an EPIC Doctor Who marathon
-became obsessed with Doctor Who, David Tennant, and the British in general
-read John Green novels and wanted to change my own life
-had many mental breakdowns in the midst of attempting to make props for and stage manage the musical CATS. ..which got cancelled and all my work was for naught.
-laid on the futon a lot
-built a TARDIS
-met Lisa Whelchel with Sarai
-went on one very successful (and I don't mean that in a weird/dirty way) date with an attractive Turkish man, followed by 2 mediocre ones followed by nothing. which I did not mind.
-drove some awesome Joyner friends to the zoo and almost swerved into the side of a transfer truck
-executed a WONDERFUL surprise party for Erin (with Sarai)
-gotten TRULY ADDICTED to tumblr
-gotten a lot closer to Jordi, which has been amazing duh
-went to an 80s dorm dance party, followed immediately by an 80s cast party
-went to a pirates v. ninjas cast party
-discovered the Fruity Buddha, the best alcoholic beverage ever
-cuddled with Leigh and laughed non-stop for hours
-got a D in a class for the first time ever (never gotten below a C before or since)
-hula hooped in the hallway of Joyner for like 2 hours with Taylor, Tara & Erin
-had my palm read
-discovered the dumpy Asian ghost
-seen evidence that a ghost ripped Leigh's calendar off the wall
-BEEN ATTACKED BY CHEESE
-discovered Edarem with Erin
-become more of a sailor in my speech, if you will
-took Sarai home with me to see some kids perform a Les Mis concert
-discovered my deep, undying love for sushi
-spent Easter weekend with Erin & her family
-sneak attacked Leigh with silly string
-met a man named Starheart
-inadvertently worked at the Varsity a couple times
-watched all the Twilight movies.. o.O
-decided to move to NYC with Erin.. while simultaneously falling in love with her
-experienced the finale of Lost, and .. was EXTREMELY under-enthused
-watched all the LOTR movies in one day (and I had never seen them before)
-co-planned a rockin scavenger hunt birthday party for Sarai
-...that ended with a flour/water balloon fight
-had the Secret Diary of a Call Girl theme song endlessly stuck in my head
-donated 8inches of hair to Locks of Love
-got a speeding ticket -_-
-became addicted (and then un-addicted) to Frontierville
-wrestled with Erin at like 2am
-BOUGHT A TOP HAT
-haggled for pizza and succeeded!
-had coloring wars with Sarai
-showered with Erin (in bathing suits, GAH people)
-taken epic bubble baths with Sarai
-WENT TO CAROWINDS AND RODE ROLLERCOASTERS FOR THE FIRST TIME
-gotten really good at cooking
-made it through media law!!
-ran through my neighborhood in the middle of the night while pushing a rolly chair with Erin in it
-re-watched both Boy Meets World AND Gilmore Girls
-GOT A REAL PART TIME NON-THEATRE JOB
-sat in a hospital waiting for my fathers aortic valve surgery to be over.. (he was fine!!)
-played corn hole for the first time (I didn't even know the NAME of it previously)
-rode in a shopping cart throughout the CDA, pushed by Jordi.. after that, I pushed Rachel on it
-saw Sara Bareilles in concert & had her sign my bra
-lost my voice & then got a blood infection that caused me to go to urgent care
-LOLed for like half an hour at Sarai's chicken hat
-was given an AUTHENTIC BUZZ LIGHTYEAR DOLL FOR MY BIRTHDAY
-went to a Debutante Ball for miss Katherine
-got tipsy
-produced Aida
-hung out on the beach & in downtown Wilmington by myself
-was in a zombie walk w/ Catherine
-met Stacy London again at the Tanger Outlet opening!!!! :DDDD
-dressed as BIG BIRD for Halloween
-got dressed up as a French rock star and made a music video... and then went to dinner with a beard painted on my face
That's about all.. :)
And so it begins.
In 2010 I...
-rang in the new year at Erin's house in the midst of an EPIC Doctor Who marathon
-became obsessed with Doctor Who, David Tennant, and the British in general
-read John Green novels and wanted to change my own life
-had many mental breakdowns in the midst of attempting to make props for and stage manage the musical CATS. ..which got cancelled and all my work was for naught.
-laid on the futon a lot
-built a TARDIS
-met Lisa Whelchel with Sarai
-went on one very successful (and I don't mean that in a weird/dirty way) date with an attractive Turkish man, followed by 2 mediocre ones followed by nothing. which I did not mind.
-drove some awesome Joyner friends to the zoo and almost swerved into the side of a transfer truck
-executed a WONDERFUL surprise party for Erin (with Sarai)
-gotten TRULY ADDICTED to tumblr
-gotten a lot closer to Jordi, which has been amazing duh
-went to an 80s dorm dance party, followed immediately by an 80s cast party
-went to a pirates v. ninjas cast party
-discovered the Fruity Buddha, the best alcoholic beverage ever
-cuddled with Leigh and laughed non-stop for hours
-got a D in a class for the first time ever (never gotten below a C before or since)
-hula hooped in the hallway of Joyner for like 2 hours with Taylor, Tara & Erin
-had my palm read
-discovered the dumpy Asian ghost
-seen evidence that a ghost ripped Leigh's calendar off the wall
-BEEN ATTACKED BY CHEESE
-discovered Edarem with Erin
-become more of a sailor in my speech, if you will
-took Sarai home with me to see some kids perform a Les Mis concert
-discovered my deep, undying love for sushi
-spent Easter weekend with Erin & her family
-sneak attacked Leigh with silly string
-met a man named Starheart
-inadvertently worked at the Varsity a couple times
-watched all the Twilight movies.. o.O
-decided to move to NYC with Erin.. while simultaneously falling in love with her
-experienced the finale of Lost, and .. was EXTREMELY under-enthused
-watched all the LOTR movies in one day (and I had never seen them before)
-co-planned a rockin scavenger hunt birthday party for Sarai
-...that ended with a flour/water balloon fight
-had the Secret Diary of a Call Girl theme song endlessly stuck in my head
-donated 8inches of hair to Locks of Love
-got a speeding ticket -_-
-became addicted (and then un-addicted) to Frontierville
-wrestled with Erin at like 2am
-BOUGHT A TOP HAT
-haggled for pizza and succeeded!
-had coloring wars with Sarai
-showered with Erin (in bathing suits, GAH people)
-taken epic bubble baths with Sarai
-WENT TO CAROWINDS AND RODE ROLLERCOASTERS FOR THE FIRST TIME
-gotten really good at cooking
-made it through media law!!
-ran through my neighborhood in the middle of the night while pushing a rolly chair with Erin in it
-re-watched both Boy Meets World AND Gilmore Girls
-GOT A REAL PART TIME NON-THEATRE JOB
-sat in a hospital waiting for my fathers aortic valve surgery to be over.. (he was fine!!)
-played corn hole for the first time (I didn't even know the NAME of it previously)
-rode in a shopping cart throughout the CDA, pushed by Jordi.. after that, I pushed Rachel on it
-saw Sara Bareilles in concert & had her sign my bra
-lost my voice & then got a blood infection that caused me to go to urgent care
-LOLed for like half an hour at Sarai's chicken hat
-was given an AUTHENTIC BUZZ LIGHTYEAR DOLL FOR MY BIRTHDAY
-went to a Debutante Ball for miss Katherine
-got tipsy
-produced Aida
-hung out on the beach & in downtown Wilmington by myself
-was in a zombie walk w/ Catherine
-met Stacy London again at the Tanger Outlet opening!!!! :DDDD
-dressed as BIG BIRD for Halloween
-got dressed up as a French rock star and made a music video... and then went to dinner with a beard painted on my face
That's about all.. :)
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