run away with me.

I am so pissed right now.

Coming home from college should be fun. Shouldn't it?

But it isn't.

It sucks.

Everyone else always has plans to go places & do things and then I get stuck in this stupid house, sitting around, waiting for someone to talk to me online because there is NOTHING to do.

On top of that, I have the burden hanging over my head of making these damn props for the show.. and I despise doing stuff like this, but I am stuck doing it because apparently no one else wants to/can. (Someone please remind me never to volunteer to make props ever ever again.)

THEN, when the opportunity finally comes around for me to go somewhere for new years, my parents drag their feet and don't give me a straight answer as to whether or not I can go.. so then I assume they're going to say no and don't plan to be gone for 2 days, but THEN they ask me THE DAY BEFORE if I "still plan on going." uhmm WTF.

GUESS NOT.

THANKS.

-_-

So basically that means this "break" is going to be shit all the way through.

Also, I would like to make it publicly known that I have watched ALL Doctor Who Episodes (about 4.5 seasons when you add in all the specials) plus David Tennant's video diaries for all 4 seasons, AND the Doctor Who special of "The Weakest Link".. all in about 10 days.

I have also decided that David Tennant is my favorite actor.

And that I love the British a lot a lot and would like to visit the UK for an extended period of time.. like spend a summer there or something. (Maybe after I graduate??)

Also, I ordered Billie Piper's autobiography today.

I don't care if any or all of that makes me a geek.

In other news, I have decided to spend the summer either in NYC doing an internship or studying abroad, or both, depending on the length of said commitments.

That would be amazinggg.

I need to start living life more like Rose Tyler.

When there is nothing left at home, go out and do something. Travel. Help people.

..sadly, there is no TARDIS or Doctor in sight. But hey, I can deal..

right?

lol.

ps everyone should go to youtube RIGHT NOW and watch David Tennant host 'Never Mind the Buzzocks' =]]

i love the british. :)

This is quite possibly the most wonderful DVD special feature ever- DAVID

TENNANT'S VIDEO DIARIES!! Whoever thought up this brilliant idea

should win a prize. I. LOVE. IT.

The best parts of that video up there are when they're hiding in the car during the

night shoot (starts about 4 minutes in)...

David Tennnant: The Doctor Who regulars hide in their burrow..

Catherine Tate: & sometimes they give us hot chocolate with the added protein of a

baked bean!!

Billie Piper: (referring to John Barrowman) I thought it was a terrorist!!!!

<3

wilf and the doctor.

Wilf: I'll watch out for you, sir.
Doctor: You can't ever tell her!
Wilf: No, no - but every night, Doctor, when it gets dark, and the stars come out, I'll look up on her behalf. I'll look up at the sky, and think of you.
Doctor: Thank you.

<3

the year is almost over. dude.

1.What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

uhh.. Rent? goodness idk. lots of things.. and yet really not a lot. i mean, i did meet stacy london.. that was new!

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

dont think i made any

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?:

nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?:

nope

5. What countries did you visit?:

no countries.. buh. i have NEVER been out of the country but i REALLYYYYY want to be able to go visit jamie in England over spring break!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?:

a man in my life. and more self control. aka no more procrastination.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:

i have no idea.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:

surviving the past 2 semesters. learning A LOT about myself. rearranging my priorities. and.. i finally am starting to get that whole self-esteem thing thanks to a certain miss stacy london :)

9. What was your biggest failure?:

not spending as much time on schoolwork as i should have, as always.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?:

WELL.. i dont think i was sick much in the winter/spring.. or summer.. but i definitely had a cold for like OVER a month this fall. and busted my leg on that damn phone thing from RENT.

11. What was the best thing you bought?:(was bought for you)

tickets to Next to Normal.. and to see Stacy. :)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?:

bahaha this is a ridiculous question. lots! the behaviors of people like NICKI always merit celebration when I finally see them after not seeing them for a long time! :D

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?:

a certain person who i thought was my friend.. and a certain other (2) people who used to be my friends and now are apparently not, which was not my choice by any means.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:

MEETING STACY LONDON AND SEEING BERNADETTE PETERS IN CONCERT and being in Children of Eden and stage managing Rent.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2009?:

Kate Voegele stuff, Katy Perry's 'Waking up in Vegas', Rent stuff..

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i) ...happier or sadder?:

i would say its about equal

ii) thinner or fatter?:

fatter, with my luck

iii) richer or poorer?:

poorer...

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?:

been true to myself.. ish.. like, believed in myself more and not blamed myself for the choices of others

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?:

uh.. less.. procrastinating, laziness.. less fear and more putting myself out there. i need to stop fearing change and learn to take risks.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?:

christmas was today!! & i spent it here with my parents.. and then renee & charles came over.. & then i went to jamie's for a bit.. now im watching Doctor Who :)

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?:

unfortunately not. i need a man. i spose i have fallen in love with the Mr. Rochester from the 2006 movie though. and DAVID TENNANT as the 10th doctor!! :D

23. How many one night stands?:

ZERO. i ain't no ho!!

24. What were your favourite TV programs?:

ones i have been addicted to this year... What not to Wear, The Facts of Life.. and most recently, DOCTOR WHO! OMG. <3>

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:

i dont hate people.

26. What was the best book you read?:

i dont even remember what i have read this year.. lol. havent had much time for leisure reading, i must say. over the summer i was trying to continue reading Candide & Son of A Witch though. both i like.. but the latter has yet to draw me in like the normal McGuire novels do.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?:

Kate Voegele, Imogen Heap... and Lady Gaga I guess?? OH and the Avetts. :D

28. What did you want and get?:

my NYC trip to meet Stacy & see N2N

29. What did you want and not get?:

a summer job or internship & a boyfriend. lol. that's pathetic.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?:

i have no idea. i havent seen enough to decide that.. although I will say "my sister's keeper" was not as good as it should've been.. "Julie & Julia" was great though!!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:

21... had class, homework, dinner with Jordi & Samantha, rehearsal, Coldstone with amazing people, and then I was up crazy late trying to study for an impossible test.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:

uhmmmmm if i had met mr rochester (or david tennant) & fallen madly in love and was swept off my feet to a storybook romance (or a tardis) ;]

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?:

uhmm wear what flatters you & is classy. :) STACY LONDON!

34. What kept you sane?:

Jesus!! & my lovely friends. :)

35.Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:

hm. Lisa Whelchel, Bernadette Peters, Stacy London, and DAVID TENNANT.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?:

i'm over it with politics. we will never save ourselves from ourselves (as Jamie would say)

37. Who did you miss?: Nicki, Kelsey, Catherine...

38. Who was the best new person you met?:

the lovely ladies of 2nd floor joyner!! & the lovely cast of Rent!! & the lovely cast of Children of Eden!! & the lovely miss Sarah Dempsey!! <3>

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

sometimes those tough choices you make, after you have failed everyone, turn out to be the best decisions in the end.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

basically all the lyrics to all the Kate Voegele songs.

41. What was your favourite moment of the year?

watching Sarah play WoW during Broadway Melodies, lenoir meals with Taylor, staying up super late on New Year's with Leigh & Erin (Ewin) & Jamie talking to Leslie & 'Petey2008' on blogtv. being a frog in Children of Eden with Todd. castle adventures over the summer with Ewin & Taylor & Jamie. carpet time with Leigh. sharing bagels with Jordi. Dinners with Jordi & Samantha. fouton bonding with Erin (not ewin). lots more. :)

42. What was your least favourite moment of the year?

uhmmm the stressful times. and the emo times.

43. Where were you when 2009 began?

my house.

44. Who were you with?

Leigh, Ewin, Jamie, parents.

45. Where will you be when 2009 ends?

Erin's house i hope??

46. Who will you be with when 2009 ends?

Erin, Leigh, Kat, Tara... whoever else comes.. if i can go.

47. What was your favourite month of 2009?

i tend not to choose favorite months

48. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2009?

not AT ALL. lol.

49. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2009?

none of the bad kind.

50. How many people did you sleep with in 2009?

again, not a ho.

51. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?

ummmmm.. no doubt. but i cant recall any specifics at the mo.

52. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2009?

lies with actions hurt worse than lies with words...

53. Did you treat somebody badly in 2009?

i tried not to

54. Did somebody treat you badly in 2009?

mhmmm. ps where is 55??

56. How much money did you spend in 2009?

far too much im sure

57. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2009 and change what?

idk.

58. What are your plans for 2010?

school, Cats, school, perhaps NYC for summer??????, then another semester.. and hopefully another show!

where's your spirit of adventure, eh?

Bucket List

1. read all those books on the huge list that Catherine made, as well as all the books I have sitting on my shelves that I have been meaning to read & never got around to.

2. Meet David Tennant.. and therein,

2.5. WORK WITH David Tennant (I can't even deal with how incredible his acting is, and I need to be present while the magic happens. at least once.) ..and therein,

3. Kiss/get kissed by David Tennant (just like on the cheek or something- DON'T JUDGE ME!!)

4. write a book

5. write a historical fiction piece about Madame de Pompadour

6. learn more about french history (& Russian history)

7. write fanfics for: Dr Who, Will & Grace, Friends, The Facts of Life, Gilmore Girls.

8. visit england, scotland, ireland, italy, france...

9. learn to play at least 1 legit song on the guitar and sing along with it

10. learn to play at least 1 legit (preferably classic/classical) song on the piano

11. Raise a child

12. fall in love, for real.

13. Teach Jordi's kids all the words to 'Party in the USA'

14. have enough money so that i no longer have to worry about it

15. eradicate my wardrobe of all crap clothes so that all i own is actually worthy of being worn.

16. acquire an outfit identical to the one worn by Rose Tyler in the series 2 Doctor Who finale- complete with light purple fingerless gloves. (also that black leather jacket she wears is ballin & i want one)

17. additionally, acquire a blue Rose Tyler leather jacket

18. meet Stacy London more than once more

19. meet everyone on me "who i'd like to meet list"

20. dye my hair

21. live in NYC

22. become more scientifically minded

23. get reading glasses

24. acquire a pair of plaid pajama pants

25. see one of my stories come to life

26. acquire a very long, soft, multi-colored scarf like the one worn by Rose Tyler on S1 Ep11 of DW. :)

27. get coffee with Billie Piper

28. live in London

29. acquire an EPIC photo collection from all over the world

30. become a hardcore "biblical scholar"

31. memorize all quotes I find awesome and then be able to recite them like a smart person

32. get all the people I love dearly into one room at some point. literally like, one room. of happy. :)

33. SWIM WITH DOLPHINS.

34. perfect my british accent

35. meet an elephant

36. send an inspiring message in a bottle

37. feel completely happy and free and beautiful in my own skin

38. see a huge waterfall

39. spontaneously kiss someone I find extremely attractive..just out of the blue...for fun ;)

40. ride in a hot air balloon

41. visit Jerusalem

42. spend some time with children in Africa

43. spend a day sailing

44. watch the sun set and then stay up all night to watch it rise

45. spend a day in Agloe, New York.

46. see the northern lights

47. take a midnight walk on the beach with someone amazing

48. re-enact (& film) all my favorite scenes from TV shows & monologues from plays

49. write a song

50. run away with someone I love (temporarily of course)

ok, this might be all, or i might add more. but yay.

<3

no day but today

I have been reading the blog of Steve Schalchlin for over three years now. He was supposed to die many years ago. He has aids. And he is surving it.

I just thought this was worth mentioning.

This guy inspires me. :)

his old blog is here:

http://www.bonusround.com/diarytoc.html

& new one is here:

http://bonusroundblog.blogspot.com/

that's all.

<3

get me out of here.

GUHHHHHH.

Woke up later today than I had planned,

got a late start on my english exam studying,

still haven't finished that,

which means I probably won't get to start my afam paper,

which means I won't get to work on my sound cues,

which means I will be stressed through the entire play this evening,

which means I will be even more stressed when I get back tonight/tomorrow....

BUH

why am i SO incapable of sticking to a plan & staying on task!??!

i hate this.

exam week sucks.

i love this. so true!

"A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
a youth she’s content to leave behind….
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age….
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …..
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who
lets her cry…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a feeling of control over her destiny…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t
take it personally…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…”

—	Pamela Redmond Satran

i'm a free bitch baby.

mehehehe. Lady Gaga is cool.

And part of me feels like I am blogging right now to appease my roommate, who was probably expecting me to do so. haha.

I am so over itttttt.

Not my roommate.

I love her a lot.

I'm over it, almost to the point of hilarity, with BITCHES.

I have been letting the curse words fly lately.

AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK. :D

Here is basically all I need to say:

to the person in question,

you are a fucking asshole, and contrary to the "talent" you display on camera, quite a good actress. i think it is pathetic and immature and downright stupid that you feel the need to avoid conflict so much so that you will be a completely different person around me than you evidently are around others. you are the stereotype- pretty girls are bitches- congrats. and i hope youre not like this to everyone because people who like you do not deserve to take your shit. grow some balls and just be who you wanna be.

get the fuck over yourself.

you aint that damn special.

ha.

was that too harsh?

whatev.

all i can say is.. well..thewillofdc says it best via twitter:

I can't control others words actions or emotions, only My own and at end of day I need to be proud of mine. And I am/will be.

<3

peace.

one and lonely

I would please like to complain for just a little while.

I have to write a paper,

and no, this is not the complaint.

Paper writing is like a constant thing around here.

But like..

I have to summarize an entire semester's worth of information in very little space and I do not even know where to begin. I am being such a lazy ass and using every way possible to procrastinate and then feeling guilty about it.

This sucks.

Also, since I live in a dorm community that requires me to attend events and I have not been able to attend enough thanks to REHEARSALS AND PERFORMANCES, I will probably be put on probation. guh. I don't even know what all that will mean but I'm sure it will not be too fun.

Additionally

people are weird.

I am weird.

And together that enlists failure wherever I go.

I feel like this might be one of those "i love you but i don't LIKE you'' type deals... guh. I hate that.

I think that people who don't like me should just go ahead and be bitches to me

this would make my life easier

because I would then, thus,

not have to deal with them directly.

that probably is nonsense.

whatever.

this is a blog and my layout is lady gaga and Lord knows she is nonsense.

buhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

perhaps i would just prefer to be INVITED to hang out and such instead of expected to have nothing better to do and follow you around everywhere.

i mean

i dont have anything better to do

but

...

i wasnt invited.

thanks for that.

alright, perhaps I will really attempt to work on this blasted paper now..

countdown

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now (don’t list names)

1. It is my love for you that makes me wish you saw me as more of an equal, and wish you liked me more... But I guess you kinda do love me. I just wish you'd be my friend for real. Can we just hold hands and hang out all the time... ?
2. You ruined me.
3. It hurts that you don't need me anymore.
4. How come you are so much cooler than me??
5. I am giving up on you. And as the one who said I was so easy to talk to, what makes it so easy to also blow me off so frequently?
6. YOU ARE HOT. DATE ME NOW.
7. I feel like I am not giving you all you deserve.. I suck.
8. I hate that I will never get back what we once had, because I think it could have been wonderful. ...But if that is true, why don't I miss you?
9. You are the best. I am very lucky to have you.
10. You make me want to be more talented.


Nine things that not many people know about you.
1. I am incredibly insecure about my personality. Thus, there are certain people who intimidate me and who I am very quiet around.
2. Stacy London completely changed my life. And now, I have self esteem and don't feel completely ugly.
3. Physical touch is my primary love language, so I like hugs and hand holding a lot.
4. I have an irrational fear of becoming an alcoholic.
5. I curse like a sailor, but try not to do so in public.
6. I want to date a black man.
7. I wish I were good at writing poems and songs.
8. I have a guitar that I just recently decided to learn to play.
9. I lie a lot.


Eight ways to win your heart.
1. be nice
2. love Jesus
3. pursue me
4. hold my hand
5. appreciate my passions.
6. really listen to me
7. text me randomly
8. think of me as often as i think of you


Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. buhhhhh
2. im tired
3. i want to play
4. im hungry
5. i love ___
6. *something theatre related*
7. i have to ___


Three things you wish you never did.
1. let you control me
2. stopped working out regularly
3. eaten that chocolate

Five turn offs.
1. stupidity
2. meanness
3. being obsessed with sports
4. not listening to me
5. not appreciating me

Four turn ons
1. hottness
2. accents
3. ethnicity
4. talent

Three smileys that describe your life.
1. :)
2. :D
3. ;)

where you lead; i will follow

I am so dumb... I keep following you around, literally and figuratively, and just letting myself walk into this ridiculous roller coaster relationship.

Don't act like an asshole to me
and then are surprised when I am slightly sarcastic to you.
Don't assume you're the only one
who is allowed to show some negative emotion.
When I invite you somewhere
don't take over and make it your thing.
Don't ask for my opinion
if it didn't matter to you at all.
Don't search for my approval
because obviously my opinion is moot.
Don't try to act all sweet after being an ass;
don't tell me you love me;
don't act like my friend;
becuase at this point,
your sincerity,
your love,
your truth...
its all up for debate.

Even though I know
that I am a sucker
and probably a fool
who will continue dealing with it

in hopes that you will truly love me in the end.

i don't speak french.

I guess what is really bothering me right now, why I am not working on my essay that's due tomorrow, is because I genuinely do not understand what is going on... You say that this person is a flake, that they have taken advantage of you, you admit that they cannot be really trusted; but there you are
at this very moment
hanging out with them.
Really?
And I would only need about one guess as to what you're doing.
Stupid.

I don't get it.

You need to realize who really cares about you
and who is going to bail when you really need them.
You need to stop hanging out with people just because they are the ones who seem more "FUN" to hang out with in the moment.. because fun in the moment is a lot different from real love and fulfillment and joy.

Stop investing in the ones who won't give you anything back
I've been there
and perhaps I am there again with you
but it sucks
and you deserve better.

stop.

I have done a lot for you.
And I know you're not blind to that.
So stop acting like none of it matters.

you deserve better
& i wish i could give you the best.

------------------------------------------

& readers, if you're there, dont ask me who this is about. and don't try to guess.
i promise you don't know.

entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory

Life is ridiculous.
One moment you're here and this is the moment. This is what matters. There is no glancing ahead, no looking forward, just this; and you're sure it will last. And it will matter like this forever.

But then all of a sudden you remember where you are
and you look around
and everything you thought you knew is nowhere to be found.
But then you remember
that THIS is it.
NOW you are where you should be...

aren't you?

lacking faith in the present thanks to the loss of the past and holding no hope in the future thanks to the faithless present is no way to live.

"How did we get here?
How the hell?
Pan left- close on the steeple of the church.
How did I get here?
How the hell?
Christmas- Christmas Eve last year.
How could a night so frozed be so scalding hot?
How can a morning this mild be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory
when single frames
from one magic night
forever flicker in close-up
on the 3d Imax of my mind?!
that's poetic.
..that's pathetic.
Why did [mimi] knock on [roger's] door
& [collins] choose that [phone booth]
back where [angel] set up his [drums]
why did [maureen's] equipment break down
why am i the witness?
& when i capture it on film,
will it mean that its the end
& I'm alone?"

I had a dream about you last night. You're never leaving. I guess my biggest fear is that you've just forgotten...

I'm glad you are finally in my life almost as much as I want you to be.

I want to know you more.

Do you even still care? Because you are losing me day by day.

life is weird.
its crazy.

just because everythings changing
doesnt mean its never
been this way before.

yeah?

"I haven't slept in days; I look like a dog's dinner..."

The subject line there is a quote from Steel Magnolias. I think it suits me well right now.

And now, some observations about my current life:

-Having to stand outdoors in the cold under stage lights until after 2am makes one feel like their toes are FALLING OFF, back is breaking, and ribcage is collapsing.
-Roomies who bring coffee & bagels to such rehearsals are wondrous.
-I am working with a REALLY amazing cast & crew & prod staff right now.
-Random high guys who come to the outdoor theatre at 2am to "see what's going on" are quite terrifying... especially when we are 4 girls ALONE out there...
-Raking and sweeping are chores that I fosho hate.
-I want to get some of those half gloves-half mittens. They are cool, even though I doubt Stacy would approve.
-I need to wear more clothes to subsequent rehearsals.
-Also, I should probably bring something to eat & drink.
-Apparently I am very strong.
-Plans to nap, if your name is Kelley, will not ever work out.
-Eating is no longer a priority.
-..nor is sleep, obvs.
-My ENFJ "extraordinarily tolerant" personality type really shows when I have positive feelings for people who literally no one else likes... esp when I don't realize that no one else likes them.
-I have much lower expectations for everyone else than I have for myself.
-I think I am a pretty darn good stage manager, especially since no one ever trained me to do such work.
-I am not very easily intimidated by people.
-The show is going to be KICK ASS.
-...but right now it is a hot mess.

That is all.
I love everyone.
Happy wednesday.

just be;

I think you and I have a lot in common.
In essence,
we are really looking for the same things.
We all are.
The question is what you do about it.
Searching for hands to hold
ears to listen
eyes to see
souls to comprehend what the eyes cannot.
It shouldn't be this complicated;
they shouldn't matter this much;
an alluding love just seems somehow
more appealing
the grass is always greener.
We want what we can't have.

But maybe
a perspective we haven't tried
is this:
maybe we do have it.
Maybe
just maybe
all that we long for is right before our very eyes
and we are preoccupied with the absence
missing what's there..
It may not be the best timing
It may not be the best way
but I think
that maybe
it might be there.

Somewhere.
Coming.
Here.

Whatever.

All I know is
when you turn around
I'll be there.

And the rest,
I'm just not sure about.

& the invisible girl;

I am being spread far too thin.
I am everywhere are once,
and simultaneous to doing everything,
I am doing nothing.
I can't give my all to all things,
it just isn't working.

I feel like crap.

I feel like I owe everyone
an apology,
because everything is getting compromised.

I hate this.

I always multi-task in class,
because my homework for another is never done.
I always do my homework in rehearsal,
because I never feel caught up.
I do things for rehearsal when I'm hanging out with friends,
because I feel bad for not BEING there at rehearsal.

I just feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions
and yet
here I am
wasting time.

What an idiot.

its over.

I have been broken too many times before to walk into your lies.
Different might be out there somewhere,
but you are not different.
You are just someone else who seems to like lying to me,
and I do not have the time
or the energy
to deal with it.
But I am stuck with you
stuck in this situation
so I think
after all I have done for you;
you could at least extend me the courtesy
of truth.

I can't do this again.

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.

last night, i had a dream;

I dreamed that I was sitting in a theatre somewhere.. and whatever show was going on I had something to do with.. perhaps I had stage managed it, I'm not sure. But I was sitting in the balcony, and I knew you were there, I knew you were coming.
And then there you were.
You didn't see me, so I called out your name.
You asked if I had just said your name.
I asked if you remembered me.
You didn't...You called me another name.
But you reached out your hand to me,
I took it for a moment,
disgust and annoyance filling me up.

Then there he was,
the one who never knew me,
staring straight at me,
remembering me,
empathizing.
But only for a second.

And then you both were gone,
as if I had never been there.

And I was left empty, and you were left full.


"Didn't I see this movie? And didn't I cry?...
I have seen this movie. And I walked out.
I'm walking..."

drunk with love

Quotes from Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz"---

"I sat on my bed and looked out at my tree, which by this time was gathering rain in applause. I didn't feel much like Napoleon that night. I didn't like being reminded about how self-absorbed I was. I wanted to be over this, done with this. I didn't want to live in a broken world or a broken me. I wasn't trying to weasel out of anything, I just wasn't in the mood to be on earth that night. I get like that sometimes when it rains, or when I see certain sad movies. I put on the new Wilco album, turned it up and went into the bathroom to wash my hands and face.
I know now, from experience, that the path to joy winds through this dark valley. I think every well-adjusted human being has dealt squarely with his or her own depravity. I realize this sounds very Christian, very fundamentalist and browbeating, but I want to tell you this part of what the Christians are saying is true. I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection. Nothing is going to change in the Congo until you and I figure out what is wrong with the person in the mirror."

"There is something quite beautiful about the Grand Canyon at night. There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what he is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committeed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her."

"'Don,' he said, 'If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus.'"

"I was watching BET one night, and they were interviewing a man about jazz music. He said jazz music was invented by the first generation out of slavery. I thought that was beautiful because, while it is music, it is very hard to put on paper; it is so much more a language of the soul. It is as if the soul is saying something, something about freedom. I think Christian spirituality is like jazz music. I think loving Jesus is something you feel. I think it is something very difficult to get on paper. But it is no less real, no less meaningful, no less beautiful.
The first generation out of slavery invented jazz music. It is a music birthed out of freedom. And that is the closest thing I know to Christian spirituality. A music birthed out of freedom. Everybody sings the song the way they feel it, everybody closes their eyes and lifts up their hands."

spelling it out: why I love Stacy London

I love Stacy London.
I love her because she has helped me believe in who I am.

I have always believed in my abilities, but I have never believed in my personality, if you know what I mean.
I always knew I was capable of succeeding, but didn't always realize my self-worth.
This is what Stacy has helped me to change.

Stacy London is a wonderful person, and so beautiful inside and out.
But she is a REAL person.
She is down to earth despite her fame, and despite the fact that so many people look to her for advice, and even consider her like an older sister, a role model, or a friend...though they have never even met.
She identifies with us, the regular people.
She is open and honest and is not afraid to tell the truth, because really, people NEED to hear the truth in all circumstances, not just style.

Stacy is one of the most giving, sweet and supportive people I have ever come across.
She makes time to respond to endless tweets, and uses her life to help others, like me, feel better about themselves.

Because of Stacy London, I like who I am.
I am no longer obsessive over my wide nose, fat thighs, ghetto booty (if you will) or any of those other "flaws." I am okay with my body. It doesn't matter the number on the tag. I was not molded by a cookie cutter... I am a person- I am unique. And thanks to Ms. London, I can embrace that. :)
Because of Stacy London, I no longer hate my birthday.
I have hated my birthday since the year I turned 13... I was never really sure why, but I think now it was because I didn't like the attention it brought. I didn't want people to make a fuss over me, because I didn't believe I was worth it.
Now, I am happy about my birthday. I am very excited that tomorrow, people will wish me happy birthday via facebook, and that I will get to hang out with amazing friends and have cupcakes and lattes.
I am embracing who I am and where I am in my life, and that is something I have never been able to do this easily.

When I met Stacy on Sunday, I told her she had changed my life.
And she really has.
When I got back from NYC Monday morning, I was completely overwhelmed with school work, preparation for the week of rehearsals, events, crazy college-ness... everything. But I was happy with ME. I sat there at in my room, took things one by one, and thought to myself, "I could not be happier."
Because of Stacy London, I am happy with who I am.
And I know that I am worth friendship and love.
And I am not limited by what others might think.
And I am more open with my personality among others.
And I realize that I am a person worth knowing.

Thank you Stacy.
You really have changed my life.
And I hope you realize how much I appreciate all you have done for me.

You are a truly incredible person, and meeting you was a moment I will never forget, and will treasure for the rest of my life.

You are someone I aspire to be more like.
You inspire me.
I really cannot explain properly how much you have helped me, but I just wanted to say thank you.

It means more than you know.
<3

shut the front door.

So.. in case you live in a bubble or something.. or just don't know me, I went to NYC yesterday.. around 7ish am. Then came back today around 6am.

And it. was. amazing.

As the plane landed over the beautiful city, we could see Manhattan 'from the sky' on SUCH a beautiful day.. and it was JUST like what you see in pictures. I love it. The feeling I get whenever I see that amazing sight is like no other.. its this build up of joy, excitement, anticipation, and belonging.. bliss.

We arrived at the hotel close to 10am and checked in. Very cute little place, and very fancy! :) Then I changed into my classy Stacy London worthy outfit and we were off.

We walked like.. way too many blocks for me to be wearing those platform ankle boots. lol. But we went to the Times Square area, and got lunch and coffee (YES!) and then hit up awesome touristy places like Toys R Us, the M&M store, and many cute little shops that sell my favorite, BROADWAY MEMORABILIA! squee. And in the meanwhile, I spotted not one but two of those crazy 'naked cowboy' people and a couple getting wedding photos taken IN TIMES SQUARE. Jealous much!?!?! BUH. lol.
Anyway, then it was time to head over to SHUBERT ALLEY. One of my favorite places in Manhattan. We got a quick Starbucks to keep the energy up.. lol. Then we entered the Booth Theatre to see "Next to Normal"!!! And holy poo. IT WAS SOOOOOO GOOD. Alice Ripley, though she is totes cray, is a phenomenon onstage. For real. I was in awe the entire time. Also, the guy who played her son... HOT. And probably my favorite male actor I have ever seen live on Broadway. I've gotta say.
Guh it was so good. Afterwards I hung out at the stage door HOPING Alice would come out but OFCOURSESHEDIDNT. Oh well. I did get to meet 3 hot guys and the girl from Spring Awakening!! squee. :)
So, then we caught a cab back to the hotel to freshen up, ran down the block to get a pizza, ate half of it, and then caught yet another cab to 92Y where my fav ever STACY LONDON was to be speaking!!!!!

Now, the best part. =]]

We were sitting in the house right side section of seats,.. about 5th or 6th row from the front. Very good view. And I was pretty much freaking out... for no reason. I was just SO nervous because I was about to be in the same room with Stacy London..and approx. 500 other people. haha..
So, after what seemed like far too long, it began. However, before Stacy came out, two boring people had to talk and introduce things or whatever and I was bursting with BUHness. haha. (If you know me, I think you can imagine me in this situation.) Anyway, the talk was going swimmingly, Stacy was being so funny and so brilliant and of course it was great. Then the lady who was asking the questions (it was interview style) asked something that made Stacy mention twitter... I did a small "woo!" to myself, and the next thing I know, Stacy goes, "..which, speaking of, Kelley are you here?" and is looking out into the audience. I immediately raised my arm and yelled, "I'm here!!" and Stacy says, "Oh my God, I got you a beer for your 21st birthday!!" I was like.. shrieking with thankfulness and WHOAness at this point, and she motioned for me to come and get it from her.. At this point the entire audience is like laughing out of amusement and applauding... And I joggged down to the side of the stage where she was kneeling. She handed me the Coors light, skillfully packaged in the classic sketchy brown paper bag, remarked "Oh I love the outfit!" and squeezed my right hand with a smile. I returned to my seat, and several random people looked at me and said sweet things like "That was great!" or "Happy Birthday!"... :D
I turned to my mother and whispered excitedly, "I can't believe that just happened."
Probably one of the best moments ever, I'd say.
AFTER the talk, I was standing in the lobby with a new twitter friend, and Zooey, Stacy's assisstant came out from where a private reception was going on, noticed my mother holding the beer, and asked "Did your daughter...?" At that moment, I walked over, and Zooey said, "You're Kelley?" "Yes," I said. She introduced herself (but oh of course I knew who she was before) and said that Stacy wanted me to come back to the reception. I said something along the lines of "Ooh yay!!!" and followed her back there. Stacy was surrounded by people, so I told my mom we could just chill and wait a while. No need to be impatient. :) So we creeped around and watched Stacy critique, SO wonderfully, some woman's VERY LIGHT WASH mom jeans. It was hilar. We moseyed closer to her eventually, as the crowd began to die down, and then she looks over at us, noticed it was me, and said, "Hi..Oh good she got you back here! And you must be mom?? How are you?" My mother replied of course.. and blah blah. SO then Stacy had to tend to other people, and eventually, it was my turn. We took a smiley photo, and then spoke for a few moments, she was like "How are you? You okay?" Me: I'm great! Stacy: So, you're the kellster!! Me: haha YES I am! I don't remember what Stacy said next exactly.. BUT anyway then I was like "We need to take a funny picture!" Her: What kind of funny face should I make? Me: Oh uh..how bout.. just gimme a ghetto face. So then we posed for our FABULOUS ghetto photo, and she goes "Oh I know that's going on twitter!" I'm not sure where the segue came in, but the next thing I remember chronologically is holding Stacy's hand and being like "Thank you so much. You are amazing and wonderful and you have changed my life, you really have. You have no idea." Stacy replied, in her sweet Stacy-ish way, "You know, YOU can change your life" and then went on sweetly like that.. She gave me like.. the longest hug ever. She is SO SO AMAZING. Everyone should have someone in their life like her. There are really not enough people like that, especially in the fashion industry.
She is even better in real life. :)

i am so sorry.

There are a few things that have been on my mind lately that I need to address.
First of all, I love Jesus. Yes, unless someone who totally does not know me is reading this, then you already knew that. Definitely not headline news. But it is a true fact. I believe that belief in Jesus is the way to salvation (from what you ask? from both the brokenness and hopelessness of the world and from living eternity in well...hell). Am I crazy? I don't think so.

I would like to apologize
I am so sorry my friends.
I am sorry that there are people
who claim to love Jesus
(a Jesus who IS GOD,
and a God who is LOVE,)
and these PEOPLE
think they are the gods.
They believe they will save us with their words
their lengthy prayers
their sermons of hellfire and brimstone
and they are terribly wrong.
I woud like to say I'm sorry
because I know you know these people
and it brings me to TEARS
yes, i am in tears,
over the fact that PEOPLE LIKE THEM
are the VERY ONES
PREVENTING YOU
FROM BELIEVING
IN JESUS
who hung out with whores
tax collectors
thieves
poor people
lepers
the ones the HIGH AND MIGHTY
PRIESTS
would not touch with a ten foot pole.

They were the liars and thieves,
and JESUS spoke a TRUTH OF LOVE.

And I am SO SORRY that your churches may not have emphasized this, because it is absolutely essential, and defines what a Christian life is supposed to be about.

(BTW, If you ARE someone who doesn't know me or even someone who does and you want to talk about my faith or ask me questions about it, please do so!!! I would love to talk to you.)
:)

ANYWAY.
On to my point.
I believe that the ONLY thing necessary for salvation is trust in Jesus Christ as Lord & Savior.
Nothing more.

I am a Christian, but I am not a stereotype.
I am pro gay marriage.
I believe that homosexuals have JUST AS MUCH ability or opportunity to go to heaven as anyone else.
(If ANY PERSON HAS EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU ARE GOING TO HELL, then they are WRONG. They are condemning you, and they have ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to EVER even THINK anything like that about ANYONE. I would like to apologize to whoever of you this has happened to, because you were badly wronged by someone who called themself a Christian, and I hope you can forgive them and see that they were not being a Christian in that circumstance.)
I am pro life, because tiny babies are people too and deserve their rights just as homosexuals and everyone else does.
I am pro-green agenda.
I am pro-gun control.
I am ANTI-capital punishment.
I don't care if you get divorced.
I am pro-stem cell research, but not when these stem cells come from aborted babies.
I don't care if you get artificially inseminated.
I would love it if homosexual couples could adopt children in every state and wouldn't have to constantly prove that they are worthy of raising kids.

I love people of all races.
I love people of all religions.
I love people who hate religion.

I don't care if you drink.
I don't care if you smoke.
I don't care if you get divorced and remarried eight times.
I don't care that you make mistakes or have a sordid past, because EVERYONE makes mistakes, and only He who is without sin has the right to condemn. And no human is that.
I don't care if your hair is bright purple and you are covered in tatoos and piercings.
...Because I love you anyway.
I am VERY slightly fiscally conservative, but hey, that's just me!
When it comes to social issues, I am straight down the middle of the political spectrum.
I am NOT a staunch conservative like many southern 'religious' people.
I am NOT judgmental.
I love everyone, because that my friends, is what Jesus teaches. I Peter 4:8 says "Above all, love one another deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
Also, Jesus said that the greatest commentment was to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.

I have been thinking about several of my friends and acquaintances lately who I know were damaged by judgmental southern churches they attended throughout childhood who judged them, and put POLITICS on the same level as religion.

I can't tell you how much I despise it
when people think that all Christians
are the pit preacher,
those who point fingers,
say you're going to hell,
quote old testament verses to you
WAY OUT OF CONTEXT
make their own assumptions
just so they can feel
like they're better.
But please know, friends,
they are not.
They are no better
but no worse
than you or I.
They need help
I need help
you need help...

we are broken...

and that is why we need Jesus.
He is our link to purity
and our opportunity
to live in love
and live FOREVER
in pure perfection.

[On a side note, though Christianity is not a religion, its a RELATIONSHIP, a personal relationship with Jesus that permeates itself in one's life, a life of LOVE and FORGIVENESS and HOPE.]

I am still in tears
and I am still so sorry
and in mourning
because I despise it
when people make YOU feel
like YOU are not worthy of heaven
BECAUSE YOU ARE.
And this is something
that I KNOW
for sure.

My dear friends,
you are beautiful. Yes, you make mistakes, but I do too. WE ALL DO! Christian or not, mistakes will always be a part of your life. That's just the way it is. But Jesus Christ is Lord, and he is a Lord of LOVE and this loves comes with it a TRUTH and a PEACE and a HOPE that will SET YOU FREE from the brokenness and judgment and harshness of the world.
Please talk to me if you have any questions or comments.
Please let me know especially if this made you mad.
I want to know what you think and how you feel.
My heart breaks for anyone who has been wronged by a church and people who profess to be believers in the God of love who is Jesus Christ.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I LOVE YOU more than you will ever know.

And because of this,

I wish I could save you.

Because if you're wrong about Christ
if you choose not to believe
and I'm right,
take a moment,
and imagine
just how grievous
how inexplicably terrible
that error would be.

I love you, and I want to hang out with you in heaven. So, please believe.
Please be there.

seasons of awesomeness.

Jordi: I think im gonna go pee.
Me: okay.
Jordi: mk love you.
Me: Love you too, have fun!

speeeeeeeeak.

You are constantly partially there for me,
is there anything I can pretend to do for you?
-Megan Mullally as Karen Walker, Will & Grace

emo.

I guess what it boils down to is
I wish
that for once in my life
someone would see through my fake smile
and ask me how I am.
And when I say okay,
they would say, no
I can tell something's wrong.

Because it is.

I love you for who you are;
so why is it,
why the hell is it,
that I never get that in return.

Oh, also,
thanks a lot.
You invite "us" to come
but if the other says no, I can't go,
then I am uninvited?
Maybe.
Ish.
Whateverthehelljusthappened.

At this point
I don't even know what I want.
I don't even care anymore.
I am so over it with my life.

i wanna know you

I am just generally frustrated with my life right now.
I feel like I am being either pushed out or just like.. unnoticed/neglected in every single form of community I am in. And I know this is whiny and immature, and you are probably thinking that I am being like.. some sort of angsty 12 year old.
But you know what?
This is my blog.
I will type what I like.

ANYWAY.
I feel like I am being ousted... This is the THIRD time a job/position has been basically TAKEN from me for no real reason and without any sort of warning to me in what we will refer to as student org. 1.
In student org. 2, I have NEVER really felt very welcome.. there are a total of oh.. two-ish people who reached out to me in this group, and one of them was basically just a 'yeah i know your name and will say hi when I see you' type deal. The other one: that's why I stayed. That's why I keep contributing. That's why I am happy every Tuesday and Thursday morning. But I love this group of people and what they're about. I want to stay there, but I want to feel like I am actually a part of it, and that people actually give a shit about me. I mean.. honestly. Who wouldn't want that?
Then there is #3. This is the one that, as of oh.. 24 hours ago, I was in love with. I still love it. I love what I do. I love the people. But I feel really LEFT OUT in it... like... my favorite part of this job is that I get to be with these amazing people, but my least favorite part is that they barely notice I'm even there.
I can take being left out to a certain extent.
But when other people who are like.. not IN the IN crowd get included and I don't, and am the only one who doesn't, then that becomes an issue. Most of the time, in most situations, I have a buddy. Someone who I am completely comfortable with, who I can just go up to and hang out with when I feel awkward or w/e.. but in this situation I don't. I hate that. I feel like such an asshole even saying this but its how I feel. I can't apologize for that.

I just want one place where I feel entirely appreciated, safe, accepted, wanted, known, loved... that's all.

Does a place like that exist?

Maybe not... maybe not for me...

I'm just so over it.
I'm tired of being all that I can be for everyone else and getting nothing back.
I wish people would just be STRAIGHT UP and HONEST with me. Because that is how you need to be with me to save me a lot of roller coaster emotions. Because I am very insecure, and very inhibited when I don't feel accepted. So yeah. Just tell me the truth. Be bold in your decisions to love or to hate me. It will make things a lot easier for everyone involved.

And you know what,
I want to be appreciated, but that doesn't mean you have to tell me I'm awesome all the time or anything... just acknowledge me.
I want to be loved, but that doesn't mean you have to hug me every day or tell me that all the time... just SHOW ME.
I want to be wanted, but that doesn't mean you have to invite me to hang out with you all the time... just don't blatantly talk about your plans in front of me.
And I want to be missed when I'm not around, but that doesn't mean you have to go over the top crazy when I'm not there or even tell me you miss me... just smile when you see me next.

I hate this.
I hate that I apparently have some huge sign on top of my head that reads "DOESNT MATTER" because that is the way I am treated.
I LOVE to do things for people but I WILL NOT TOLERATE being taken advantage of. I just can't deal with it. I will do the thankless job, but like.. at least show me some love while I'm doing it.
Whatever.

Life just sucks sometimes.
And right now is one of those times.

And if you're reading this, go ahead and assume that I'm not talking about you.
Because I'm not.

& i wish you were here.

So, after a day of good things, and a moment of crap things that can turn my entire day upside down and put me in a crappy mood, I am very very thankful to have people in my life who can cheer me up.
Leigh
Anna
Rachel
Samantha
Jordi
Cat
Leslie
Erin
Jamie
..they are awesome people. And they were all there for me last night, even the ones who had no idea I was pissed off, and they made me happy.
<3

I have a lot more to say about other things but this will come later. :)

Staceyann Chin- Feminist or Womanist.

The truth is
I am afraid to draw black lines around me
I’m not always pale in the middle
I come in too many flavors for one fucking spoon
I am never one thing or the other
At night I am everything I fear
Tears and sorrows, black windows and muffled screams
In the morning I am all I ever want to be
Rain and laughter, bare footprints and invisible seams
Always without breath or definition
I claim every single dawn
For yesterday is simply what I was
And tomorrow
Even that will be gone.

-an exerpt from a poem by Staceyann Chin, "Feminist or Womanist"

music monday

There will always be magic in my mind that only your spirit can bring.
I look at you and I remember all the good times and forget how broken I became.
I see your face and think of your love.

Guh.

That is all I can say about that.

NYC IN 13 DAYS. :D

This blog has been brought to you by 'Rent' rehearsal in a room we're not allowed to be in because we snuck in here because they double booked the room we reserved.
Good night and good luck.
<3

stand by.

So, yesterday I was offered a possible stage managing job for next semester... again. Now, I would love to do this, of course. But stage managing for this amazingly wonderful director is a big time committment. And this would mean that I would not have the chance to do anyyyy shows next semester. And would still only be able to go to choir once a week. =/ And would always have to miss IV... I'm not sure about this. Like, I know I would really enjoy it and it would look better on a resume for me than being in a show... but I'm not sure I can give up everything else yet again.
Although, my first instinct was to reply with a resounding YES to the offer.
If you have thoughts for me on this, PLEASE TELL ME. I need opinions.
Even though in the end I will probably just do what I want, I want you to tell me what you think I should do. Because I don't KNOW what I want to do...yet.
kthanksbye. <3

its all a blur

I'm not sure about this.
My life right now.
I am so jaded towards everything- class, choir, IV, even the show...I'm not sure why.
Towards the end of last semester I was STOKED for this year... then a lot of stupid drama happened, but I was still excited. But now, nope. I'm not. I am over it.
Maybe its because this is junior year? Freshman year you're getting into your niche, finding new opportunities, meeting people, getting acclimated...Then sophomore year you feel better about your life because you know how to DEAL with it all and you're doing everything you want to do and all that. Junior year they say is the hardest academically..which so far is not true. I think LAST semester was as hard as its going to get for me *knockonwood* BUT I haven't really heard much else about what its supposed to be like. Are we the jaded juniors? Or is it just me?? Who knows.

I think I just need some time with God so He can help me get re-energized about all this STUFF.
----------------

It doesn't help that suddenly I think of you and a little twinge of pain and regret shoots up my spine.
Its getting better, but it may never heal.
I don't forget.
I can't.
And every so often there you'll be ... and I'll try not to notice, but...
you're there.
A living mirage.
-------------------

You disappear from my life.
But then at some random moment,
you come back.
The cycle continues like this.
You pretend like you're here for me
so I make an effort
and then
you refuse to return the effort
because you MIGHT have other plans
that have not come up yet
but perhaps MIGHT.
Thanks a lot.
That really makes me feel like you care.
Eff.
---------------------------

Also, the coffee I made today was especially good. I was happy about that.
And I get to go home this weekend, and I am very happy about that.

memories fade.

Amazing fb bumper sticker quote:

I want you to hug me one more time, because the only thing in this world that scares me is that I'll never feel that safe ever again.

Amazing song:

http://www.imeem.com/markypoo/music/_VY0fahu/trey-lockerbie-somehow/

anddd that is all. because it is 11:48pm.

this is weird.

For the first time since I was oh...12, I am actually looking forward to my birthday.
This is weird.
This does not happen to me.

Maybe its because I'm meeting Stacy London and seeing a Broadway show (I'm thinking either 'Next to Normal' or 'In the Heights') the weekend before... or maybe its because I am hopefully going to see my bff Kelsey in 'The Pajama Game' the weekend after... or maybe its because I decided to have a late night Sugarland gathering either on my bday or the day after and me and friends will be drinking vanilla lattes and eating cupcakes.

But nevertheless, I am looking forward to it.
I'm not sure what to make of this.

Anyway, life is pretty decent otherwise. Classes are okay. IV is going really well and it feels good to finally be a real part of it this year. 'Rent' will officially start eating my life on Tuesday when we start rehearsals. I am ogling at yet another cute boy (how old am I? 12?! lol). My to-do list is about a mile long...
So, everything is pretty normal!

Umm.. so. I need instant film. Feel free to buy some for me as a gift for said birthday. ;) jkjk. But I DO need some.

PS- is it possible to upload videos on blogger? Becuase like, dude. I need to make use of this technology.

And also, it would be wonderful if I had a car on campus. Can this happen soon please? I'm starting to think that maybe even the super far away PR lot would be better than nothing. Because then I would not have to beg everyone to give me rides everywhere, and I could have gone home this weekend.. or something.

All for now.
<3

should've never left you broken.

God is working.
He is always working in our lives, and then sometimes when we realize it, it hits us like a ton of bricks and brings out all this emotion we never knew we had.
I love that.
But it brings out our struggles too.. struggles that he wants us to face head on.

Just thoughts..

It must be remembered though, that love penetrates borders, tears down walls, and shines through even the darkest of nights.

Love wins in the end.

Although, sometimes we have to sift through the flourescent lights to find the true Son.
And sometimes it hurts.

But I made it through..
and I believe in you. You can do it too. <3

Sometimes, we just have to take what we've gained, and that little piece of us that we give away at the wrong time, leave a little light, and walk away.

This is what I know for sure... part of it anyway.

Time to wash the pineapple juice out of my hair.
Have a lovely evening, all.
<3

life is good.

WHADDUP!?!??!


Life is good.
Classes started this week.. they are fine. Normal. You know how it is.
Friends are amazing.
I'll get back to that point later.


BUT. I AM GOING TO EFFING NYC THE WEEKEND BEFORE MY BDAY (which is the weekend of Oct. 4) to see my fav ever STACY LONDON!!! BUHHHHH!!!
I'm just so FRICKIN excited!!! lol.
I reallyyyyy hope I get to legit meet her and stuff... maybe get a photo... We shall try. And there will most def be a blog post summarizing that adventure when its through.


Also, I am going to Charlotte on Oct. 30 to see BERNADETTE PETERS IN CONCERT!!! She is my other fav. I met her once already, when I was in NYC as a high school freshman & saw her in 'Gypsy.' Waited at the stage door for like 45mins but it was SO worth it. Got autographs on my program & souvenir brochure and a pic! Annndddd needless to say, I will do my best to replicate that experience.


My goal, however, is to get 2 pics with both of them. One goofy and one normal & smiley. Idk how they will feel about this though... haha. Oh well. A girl can dream. :P


And now, its time for another round of semi-anonymous words for people who are amazing.


To the one who hates sweat,
You have absolutely no idea how much I appreciate our friendship. YOUR friendship. You are such a huge blessing to me. You inspire me literally every day. I admire your attitude of love for everyone and constant positivity. Plus, you love the Lord in such an incredible way. Its like He is so tangible to you ALL the time, and the spirit of God shines in you SO SO brightly. It makes me want to do better, and be better.
Hanging out with you makes me feel like I am worth something. Even though that is a ridiculous thing to say.
But nevertheless, thanks for always being ready to listen.
Love. <3


To the one who is back where she belongs,
I am so happy for and proud of you. You are SO SO amazing & talented. And I am extremely grateful to have you semi-back in my life!! You make me happy in a way that no one else really can. I need to see you soon. :) Love love love.

To the one who.. well.. hi there!
Uhm so yeah.. this is amazing. :) Glad you're here.

To the one who is far too far away from me this year,
Thanks for not REALLY leaving.. :)
<3

I don't really have anything more to say, but life is good, God is great, and well, let's just keep sailing.
Love to all.

letting go.

As a child, you played,
never losing your faith,
running and gliding in the wind.
Not a care in the world.
You wished and you waited,
you wondered what you could be.
Then you grow, you explore
but the world tells you no,
and it feels like a one way street.
You're lost, confused,
slowly getting bruised.
Wanting the future to brighten before you.
But there, you see,
the light comes ahead.
A glimmer of hope lies with leaving the nest.
You leave, you cry,
you look back behind,
but the way to your home is gone.
And all you can see,
is a dark moonlit sky,
so you walk on straight ahead.
And you hear what they tell you,
but you were told something else,
and you never know what to believe.
Trying everything, waiting patiently,
you look in the mirror and cry.
But suddenly you find what's been there all along,
and you start to hear all that they say.
You see yourself on the screen,
and you hardly believe,
but the truth is setting you free.
Then, there, you see,
everything you can be,
and the sunlight shines again.
And finally you know
it was there all the time,
the power was inside of you;
you just have to let go.
So you wake up with a smile,
and have faith in your best,
the potential just building,
you're as good as the rest.
The dream lies ahead,
you believe all they've said,
and you walk outside and you're proud.
The future shines bright,
and you know it will work,
so you reach for the stars,
and accept what seemed wrong,
and you finally find out that you're here,
you're where you belong.

"Its time to let go of whatever you were and take hold of what you are." -Stacy London.
<3

[That poem thing was inspired by the quote below, and originally it wasn't going to be about me but somehow it became slightly autobiographical. That is all.]

party in the usa

Just because everything's changing
doesn't mean its never been this way before.

True that.

Its like the state of being in flux has become so familiar that its normal.

Just an observation. :)

Also, to be a complete subject jumper, this quote I found on someone's blog today is HILAR.
"Clinton Kelly was cool and all, but we all know its all about Stacy London!"

True that!

Twitter is my bff. Because you can make connections with people SO easily on twitter. It is incredible. I appreciate whoever invented that site.

So anyway, here I go.
Jumping into the insanity.

..& the DJ plays my song & I feel alright.. :)

EEEEK!!!

OK THIS JUST IN!
STACY LONDON REPLIED AGAIN!!

IT WENT AS FOLLOWS:
me: @stacylondonsays just want you to know that i admire you SO MUCH. you change peoples lives every day from the outside in & (cont.)
@stacylondonsays (cont) you make them believe in their own potential. & because of you, i believe in mine. :) <3<3<3
her: @luvthekellster You GO GIRL! Believe in who you are!

I love her.
This vlog thing is looking better...

shut-up!

So, Stacy London twittered at me. I am just a genuis at this whole celebrity twitter thing.. lol. You have to pick the random celebs though, cuz you all know that Miley sho ain't about to be replying to all those 12year old tweeters!!! lol.

Nevertheless, it went as follows:
me: @stacylondonsays does not tweet enough but she is the goddess of all that is classy & fashionable so you should all follow her too. :)
her: @luvthekellster It's hard to tweet on vaca! Promise to try and tweet more!
me: @StacyLondonSays haha its alright. twitter will survive. :) you just HAVE FUN & continue being awesome.
So, def not a big deal but, she is amazing. And I said more to her that I will share with you all when/if she replies again... it was a completely different thing. buh. anyway.

This blog is weird...
I move back in at school THURSDAY BUHHH! And I spent the entire day yesterday packing, then today chillin with my biffle Catherine and then cleaning, and will spend tomorrow doing laundry, getting lunch with LINDA&TERRY who are amazing, then running some errands... good Lord. The lack of rest I am getting this week is going to carry over into next week when classes start and then, as always, my brain is going to explode.
Ah, normalcy.

In other news, I am considering.. somewhat considering... making vlogs again. Nothing has been posted on my youtube channel in MONTHS and even though this would be like.. for a very immature/selfish/ridiculous reason (to be revealed later), I think I might do it anyway. Maybe I'll just film something and then see how I feel about posting it or not.

we shall see.

I kinda have more on my mind but I wanna stop because my brain is no longer functioning. lol.
GIVE ME FEEDBACK ON THE WHOLE 'TO VLOG OR NOT TO VLOG' THING!!

the girl i mean to be;

The person I want to be is so close and yet so far from who I am. The image of that stong, indepent Manhattan woman has always been who I want to be. She is financially indepent, loves her job, has a ton of amazing friends, goes to tons of glamorous parties, hob-nobs with B list celebrities, all that great stuff.
But am I ever going to be that person? Who ever knows.

In the meanwhile...
I know where I am going and I know where I've been.
I have dreams and goals and aspirations that I will do anything to see met.

ANYWAY, let's move on to the fact that I have had this blog for about 8months and have just now exposed it to so many more people... well.
I don't really know why that is.. I guess, at that time, I needed a specific little place that was just my own that no one knew about, so that I could sort out my own thoughts. But, now, I think I am ready to let the world in. Even though in this case "world" probably refers to like.. the five of you who are my bffs irl. ;D But hey, for what its worth, my blog has gone public.

Feel free, & actually, if you're bored, I would love for you to go back into the blog's archives, read some past entries & post a comment in the TAG BOARD!!! :D
I love getting people's thoughts on my writing... & my life.

Oh, & if you think you know who/what I'm talking about in some of the entries where I'm trying to be discrete, don't EVEN think you're right. Because you are so not.
You don't know me like you think you do. Unless your name is Jamie Muffett.

That is all.
<3

fabulous people, fabulous;

Can we just talk about Stacy London?! Yes? OK LETS TALK ABOUT HER. This woman is flippin amazing. First of all, everyone already knows that she is hilarious and a fashion guru. BUT, she also has that incredible NATURAL grey streak in her hair that she got when she was 11 years old. The good Lord clearly prepared her early to be incredibly awesome & sophistocated. She suffered from psoriasis when she was a kid too, which I can relate too... as I had some WEIRD skin problems when I was like 11-12 that my ass-hole doctor was very much unable to help with.. and then of course there was the hellish acne. BUH. ANYWAY, Stacy London. Win. ALSO, she has been basically every size from zero to SIXTEEN!! Personally, I cannot imagine this woman as overweight at all, but it is SO amazing that, according to her, she was able to love her body at every size. I want self-esteem like that.

Personal goal that will most likely never happen; work for/with Stacy London someday. Anyone from TLC out there? Need a 'What not to Wear' intern?? Personal assistant for Ms. London??



Then there is this hot piece of work.

The amazing & beautiful Mr. Clinton Kelly. He is the ONLY arrogant person in the universe that is able to delight me. I really despise people who think highly of themselves, but this man, for some reason, is able to remain so charming whilst doing so. I guess its because he loves himself, but he also loves everyone else, and believes in the beauty of every woman. That is one of my favorite things about gay men. Just sayin. Anyway, I need to read his book RIGHT NOW. :)

That's all folks. Just had to get you on the same page with the recent LOVESOFMYLIFE.

&btw,
Shirley Temple=most precious child that ever happened. :)

these lights are killing me;

In short, this summer has been an epic fail. Not enough traveling, not enough productivity, not enough fun, too much eating, too much internet, too much tv, too much being a COMPLETEANDUTTERIMBECILE.

That said; school this semester will be, I hope, the complete opposite. Stage managing a show, doing IV stuff, trying to still be in H2H, classes/homework, wanting to get a job, not having a meal plan, being determined to raise my GPA. All of those things will hopefully work out.

I have also failed at blogging lately.

The person I was & experiences I had (many of them, anyway) seem so surreal now. Its funny how memories fade as time goes by. I kind of hate it actually.
I guess for me, when it comes down to it, even if the memory is killing me, it is better than having nothing to hold on to.
I hate letting go of the people who made me who I am.

I feel like this is the song in your heart:
"I don't remember you, I don't remember you;
I don't recall a single thing we used to say or do.
What dancing the park? What laughter in the dark?
What smoldering fire place that lit your face with every spark?
& if I left you once before, somehow I can't recall it anymore.
That was another girl, you're not at all like her;
though for an instant when you touched me I believed you were.
But I was wrong, this moment is new,
because I can't, I won't,
I don't remember you."

& this is the song in mine:
"Sometimes a day goes by,
one whole entire day when I don't think of [you].
24 hours pass,
I look around & find that I haven't thought of [you].
Not even when I'm somewhere we used to go,
not even if that someone we used to know.
Its hardly every day, its most unusual; in fact,
I can't remember when, but
sometimes a day goes by
when I don't think of [you] till morning comes
& then,
there [you are] again."

ish anyway.
2 great songs btw.


"nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy."
thanks dr so&so on scrubs.
but i think kate voegele says it better
"& everything that's worth having comes with trials worth withstanding"

for the most part, life is decent.
but I am determined to make it better.
I want to become someone.
I just want one moment in time, or better still; I just want TIME, when I'm more than I thought I could be.

so how does freedom feel?

You are free.
I refuse to put myself through this any longer.
You don't own me.. I'm not one of your many toys.
It's over. This is it.
Let go.
Inhale;
exhale.
---
Allow me to plagiarize for a moment and slightly paraphrase this quote by someone named Sarah Logan:

I am letting you go because I have to, because it hurts too much. I need to be able to look at you and still see this great person who was trustworthy and understanding. I need to be able to look at you & see an old friend, not just another person who let me down. I've moved on, yes; but that doesn't mean I've forgotten. And that doesn't mean I won't be here if you ever want to come back.

So that's that.

I'm done... and I guess I feel better.
I mean.
It sucks that friendships can just end like this.. like nothing ever mattered... like I never existed. But that's life, as Mr. Frank Sinatra would say...

I might write more about this later.
But there's really not much to it.

life win!!

I twittered:

i think my temporary goal in life is to get myself to nyc this summer..& get @lisawhelchel to tweet at me. lol. :)

THEN SHE SAID:

@luvthekellster Now, just save your money for NYC and have a great time! Tweet. Tweet. From me.

WIN!!!! AHHHHH!!! Seriously. This is one of my all time favorite moments ever.
It needed to be blogged.

& in case you're unaware of the wonder that is Lisa Whelchel.. she played Blair Warner on 'The Facts of Life' (google it, fools) and now she is an author and speaker and awesome person who loves the Lord and represents His love & unending joy in her life.. even on twitter. :)

one brief shining moment

“I won’t call again, I promise, but I need to see you face to face… because I’m never as good as when you’re there…and I can see myself the way you look at me. And I’m sorry. If we could just get together and find some time to talk. Lets say all the things we never said.”
-Almost Famous

This speaks to my soul...

And I wish we could.. just once more..

Sit and look me in the eyes.
And just try.
Tell me what I did to deserve this.
And then I'll tell you...

Let's say all the things
we will never get to say.

Ever
again.

complacent

I am complacent in my self-loathing.
I spend time on stupid things like this and ignore what's really important.
I worry almost constantly about other people but never worry about my relationship with God.
I resist the things I need to do but indulge in the frivilous.
I tell myself to be healthy, I even exercise on occasion, but then I go back inside and eat ice cream... and then I hate myself for it.
I tell myself I am happy where I am but the truth is I am never content.
The present tense is killing me.

The golden days are over.
There is no more time to flit around without a care.
I miss the days of school where I could goof off with friends and still make 'A's, go to the theatre in the afternoon and rehearse or perform or dance or sing with wonderful friends, I could meet people I admired and had every hope that we would be friends forever, I could spend an entire weekend writing and drawing and listening to music, I only got on the computer twice a week to check email and manipulate photos, I had opportunities to learn and didn't have to worry that it would take away from my study time, I grew every day (on the inside) and even if I had a bad day at school or got into an argument with my parents, there would always be someone at the theatre to cheer me up.
Sure I had my moments of grief, periods of pain and trials with low self esteem.

But it always ended quickly.
Because people were there.
People who I knew I could always depend on... But I made mistakes.
The ones I depended on most are the ones who ultimately let me down the most.
And the ones I underestimated are the ones who have gone on to prove that they have really been there for me all along.
So.. where does that leave me?

Well. Here I am.
Everything is under my control now. I can't depend on anyone else to do things for me, but it also seems like I have no control at all. No power to change my own life.
And the people, some of them of course- not all, who I once reffered to as my best friends are seemingly invisible. I have to worry constantly about doing well in school so that I can get into an NYC grad school so that I don't end up living in a cardboard box in Hope Mills.
My resistance to change and denial to grow up is showing itself more and more now that growing has to happen in order for survival.
I try and try every day to make myself satisfied... I think of different ways to occupy myself, just another distraction from the me I don't want to face.

I keep telling myself that I will scrape out of this rut tomorrow.
And tomorrow never comes.

I'm sure it will end eventually.. but when? How?

When I was younger, I knew exactly who I was. I had hope. The world was my oyster.

But here I am smashed in the clostrophobic closet of reality, and let me tell you, it's almost impossible to escape.

all we can do is keep breathing;

The way you held my hand;
the smile that it seemed only I could give you;
the words of wisdom that meant so much coming from you;
your watchful eye;
your interest and concern....
You told me, "Do good," whenever I had a test.
You told me he wasn't worthy of me,
You told me I was destined for great things,
You told me, "I shall miss you."
You said you were proud of me,
when I fell, you picked me up
and when my spirits were low, I knew you could lift them..

You loved me.
And now you don't.

What are you supposed to do when the person you would go to for advice is the one who has betrayed you?

Tears fall so slowly now...

I'm not ready to let go.
I doubt I will ever be.

We are lost..who we were is gone forever.
You lifted me up and shattered me. After all I ever did was lift you up.

“The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, and never explained."

I hate looking back on all this love and seeing it as a lie. I can't stand thinking of you every day, but it happens.

"Not a day goes by, not a single day, but you're somewhere a part of my life and it looks like you'll stay. As the days go by, I keep thinking 'When does it end? Where's the day I'll have started forgetting?' But I just go on thinking and sweating and cursing and crying and turning and reaching and waking and dying; and no, not a day goes by, not a blessed day, but you're still somehow part of my life, and you won't go away. So, there's hell to pay, and until I die, I'll die day after day after day after day after day after day after day..till the days go by."

Every day a little death.

Oh, and the chronic nature of these types of problems sure doesn't help.

Good night.

the stars that used to shine are that much dimmer

“The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, and never explained.”

This is a true statement.

“Before you, my life was a moonless night. very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason. Then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly, everything was on fire. There was brilliancy. There was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went back. Nothing had changed; but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”

This is a very nice metaphor.

But there is nothing I can do about that.

Kate Plus 8...and Jon Occasionally Visits?

Okay, I never take the time to actually blog about things like this... but I am so over it I have to.

First of all, where the hell does everyone think they get off BASHING Jon & Kate for getting divorced?! Yes, they are giving up on the relationship but... seriously? 50% of marriages end in divorce nowadays. Then try adding the EIGHT kids and the whole thrust into fame without preparation from the tv show thing.. it had to have been really difficult.

Then you think they're shallow for being on tv.. OK. Let's think of it this way.
You are a young mother/father with 2 kids. You want 1 more, so you try, and win! Pregnancy! But holy crap...there are six of them. Six. Daddy just has a regular average paying job and mommy will have to stay home with THIS many children... WE NEED MONEY.
*ring ring* TLC calls! They want to put you all on tv! The cameras will leave when you want them to, you won't have to do anything weird..just live your lives and they film it. Good money. A chance for maybe all eight of these kids to go to colllege!! WOW. Let's do it. Who wouldn't?!?!

The kids are precious.
Kate is an amazing mom and a BEAST when it comes to taking care of those kids.
And I think Jon just got caught up in the issues that SO MANY CELEBRITIES GO THROUGH when the paparazzi is EVERYWHERE you are. No one deserves to have their privacy invaded. Just sayin.

I'm done.
Just had to get this out there.
And before you judge this family, please try to put yourself in their shoes. :)

swirling in the blue like jazz

I really don't like myself much right now.
I don't like where my life is, and I don't know where it's going, and I feel like I am pretty much worthless.
Why did I look so forward to summer?!
Why am I so stupid that I didn't make any plans?!

...I guess I was just expecting something would happen... but of course nothing has. Someone, please remind me to make plans way in advance next summer so this doesn't happen again.

I just feel like my life is going nowhere.
Like I'm at some sort of weird transition period where everyone at home/from high school/from the theatre doesn't need or miss me anymore.. like I have nothing much to come back to anymore.
And my college life.. is so fleeting, so temporary...

"I'm finding every reason to be gone. There's nothing here to hold on to...could I hold you?"

What am I reaching toward?
Where am I going?

I feel like my life story would go something like this:

Once upon a time I was a child who could never bear to leave her theatre family. I loved them and I belonged with them. Then I was yanked away to go be something, to make something of myself. And just as it seemed I belonged there, the realization hits that it will all be over before I know it. And then I will be nowhere. Lost.

Then what?

I feel like the two huge things I am lacking right now are continuity and purpose.
And we all know that the whole continuity thing is something people just yank away from me at a moment's notice. No word of warning, it's just gone. I don't know what it is that makes me need that connection so much, but I do.
And I don't believe people anymore, I really don't, and I hate that about myself, because obviously there are many people who deserve to be believed.

But my trust has been ground to dust, as Kate Voegele would say, and I am entirely unsure as to how to rebuild it. I guess it will take someone to prove me wrong. And that person, those people, whatever, may or may not exist.

I look at all these pictures in my room, these constant reminders of who I was... and I have no idea who I am now. Who the hell am I?! Where am I going with my life?! Where do I belong?!

Do I even matter?

I can't deal with looking at all these pictures. I hate the constant nostalgia. I don't know where I belong anymore. I don't belong anywhere anymore.

I hate what you've done to me because I've stopped trying with people.

I am broken.
We are broken.
The world is broken.
And maybe we'd all do a little better if we held onto each other. But no one seems to believe that but me.

And then of course career prospects, or lack thereof, or indesicion within, is another source of daily grief.

Whatever.

I kind of despise myself.
That's all.