one and lonely

I would please like to complain for just a little while.

I have to write a paper,

and no, this is not the complaint.

Paper writing is like a constant thing around here.

But like..

I have to summarize an entire semester's worth of information in very little space and I do not even know where to begin. I am being such a lazy ass and using every way possible to procrastinate and then feeling guilty about it.

This sucks.

Also, since I live in a dorm community that requires me to attend events and I have not been able to attend enough thanks to REHEARSALS AND PERFORMANCES, I will probably be put on probation. guh. I don't even know what all that will mean but I'm sure it will not be too fun.

Additionally

people are weird.

I am weird.

And together that enlists failure wherever I go.

I feel like this might be one of those "i love you but i don't LIKE you'' type deals... guh. I hate that.

I think that people who don't like me should just go ahead and be bitches to me

this would make my life easier

because I would then, thus,

not have to deal with them directly.

that probably is nonsense.

whatever.

this is a blog and my layout is lady gaga and Lord knows she is nonsense.

buhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

perhaps i would just prefer to be INVITED to hang out and such instead of expected to have nothing better to do and follow you around everywhere.

i mean

i dont have anything better to do

but

...

i wasnt invited.

thanks for that.

alright, perhaps I will really attempt to work on this blasted paper now..

countdown

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now (don’t list names)

1. It is my love for you that makes me wish you saw me as more of an equal, and wish you liked me more... But I guess you kinda do love me. I just wish you'd be my friend for real. Can we just hold hands and hang out all the time... ?
2. You ruined me.
3. It hurts that you don't need me anymore.
4. How come you are so much cooler than me??
5. I am giving up on you. And as the one who said I was so easy to talk to, what makes it so easy to also blow me off so frequently?
6. YOU ARE HOT. DATE ME NOW.
7. I feel like I am not giving you all you deserve.. I suck.
8. I hate that I will never get back what we once had, because I think it could have been wonderful. ...But if that is true, why don't I miss you?
9. You are the best. I am very lucky to have you.
10. You make me want to be more talented.


Nine things that not many people know about you.
1. I am incredibly insecure about my personality. Thus, there are certain people who intimidate me and who I am very quiet around.
2. Stacy London completely changed my life. And now, I have self esteem and don't feel completely ugly.
3. Physical touch is my primary love language, so I like hugs and hand holding a lot.
4. I have an irrational fear of becoming an alcoholic.
5. I curse like a sailor, but try not to do so in public.
6. I want to date a black man.
7. I wish I were good at writing poems and songs.
8. I have a guitar that I just recently decided to learn to play.
9. I lie a lot.


Eight ways to win your heart.
1. be nice
2. love Jesus
3. pursue me
4. hold my hand
5. appreciate my passions.
6. really listen to me
7. text me randomly
8. think of me as often as i think of you


Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. buhhhhh
2. im tired
3. i want to play
4. im hungry
5. i love ___
6. *something theatre related*
7. i have to ___


Three things you wish you never did.
1. let you control me
2. stopped working out regularly
3. eaten that chocolate

Five turn offs.
1. stupidity
2. meanness
3. being obsessed with sports
4. not listening to me
5. not appreciating me

Four turn ons
1. hottness
2. accents
3. ethnicity
4. talent

Three smileys that describe your life.
1. :)
2. :D
3. ;)

where you lead; i will follow

I am so dumb... I keep following you around, literally and figuratively, and just letting myself walk into this ridiculous roller coaster relationship.

Don't act like an asshole to me
and then are surprised when I am slightly sarcastic to you.
Don't assume you're the only one
who is allowed to show some negative emotion.
When I invite you somewhere
don't take over and make it your thing.
Don't ask for my opinion
if it didn't matter to you at all.
Don't search for my approval
because obviously my opinion is moot.
Don't try to act all sweet after being an ass;
don't tell me you love me;
don't act like my friend;
becuase at this point,
your sincerity,
your love,
your truth...
its all up for debate.

Even though I know
that I am a sucker
and probably a fool
who will continue dealing with it

in hopes that you will truly love me in the end.

i don't speak french.

I guess what is really bothering me right now, why I am not working on my essay that's due tomorrow, is because I genuinely do not understand what is going on... You say that this person is a flake, that they have taken advantage of you, you admit that they cannot be really trusted; but there you are
at this very moment
hanging out with them.
Really?
And I would only need about one guess as to what you're doing.
Stupid.

I don't get it.

You need to realize who really cares about you
and who is going to bail when you really need them.
You need to stop hanging out with people just because they are the ones who seem more "FUN" to hang out with in the moment.. because fun in the moment is a lot different from real love and fulfillment and joy.

Stop investing in the ones who won't give you anything back
I've been there
and perhaps I am there again with you
but it sucks
and you deserve better.

stop.

I have done a lot for you.
And I know you're not blind to that.
So stop acting like none of it matters.

you deserve better
& i wish i could give you the best.

------------------------------------------

& readers, if you're there, dont ask me who this is about. and don't try to guess.
i promise you don't know.

entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory

Life is ridiculous.
One moment you're here and this is the moment. This is what matters. There is no glancing ahead, no looking forward, just this; and you're sure it will last. And it will matter like this forever.

But then all of a sudden you remember where you are
and you look around
and everything you thought you knew is nowhere to be found.
But then you remember
that THIS is it.
NOW you are where you should be...

aren't you?

lacking faith in the present thanks to the loss of the past and holding no hope in the future thanks to the faithless present is no way to live.

"How did we get here?
How the hell?
Pan left- close on the steeple of the church.
How did I get here?
How the hell?
Christmas- Christmas Eve last year.
How could a night so frozed be so scalding hot?
How can a morning this mild be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory
when single frames
from one magic night
forever flicker in close-up
on the 3d Imax of my mind?!
that's poetic.
..that's pathetic.
Why did [mimi] knock on [roger's] door
& [collins] choose that [phone booth]
back where [angel] set up his [drums]
why did [maureen's] equipment break down
why am i the witness?
& when i capture it on film,
will it mean that its the end
& I'm alone?"

I had a dream about you last night. You're never leaving. I guess my biggest fear is that you've just forgotten...

I'm glad you are finally in my life almost as much as I want you to be.

I want to know you more.

Do you even still care? Because you are losing me day by day.

life is weird.
its crazy.

just because everythings changing
doesnt mean its never
been this way before.

yeah?

"I haven't slept in days; I look like a dog's dinner..."

The subject line there is a quote from Steel Magnolias. I think it suits me well right now.

And now, some observations about my current life:

-Having to stand outdoors in the cold under stage lights until after 2am makes one feel like their toes are FALLING OFF, back is breaking, and ribcage is collapsing.
-Roomies who bring coffee & bagels to such rehearsals are wondrous.
-I am working with a REALLY amazing cast & crew & prod staff right now.
-Random high guys who come to the outdoor theatre at 2am to "see what's going on" are quite terrifying... especially when we are 4 girls ALONE out there...
-Raking and sweeping are chores that I fosho hate.
-I want to get some of those half gloves-half mittens. They are cool, even though I doubt Stacy would approve.
-I need to wear more clothes to subsequent rehearsals.
-Also, I should probably bring something to eat & drink.
-Apparently I am very strong.
-Plans to nap, if your name is Kelley, will not ever work out.
-Eating is no longer a priority.
-..nor is sleep, obvs.
-My ENFJ "extraordinarily tolerant" personality type really shows when I have positive feelings for people who literally no one else likes... esp when I don't realize that no one else likes them.
-I have much lower expectations for everyone else than I have for myself.
-I think I am a pretty darn good stage manager, especially since no one ever trained me to do such work.
-I am not very easily intimidated by people.
-The show is going to be KICK ASS.
-...but right now it is a hot mess.

That is all.
I love everyone.
Happy wednesday.