just be;

I think you and I have a lot in common.
In essence,
we are really looking for the same things.
We all are.
The question is what you do about it.
Searching for hands to hold
ears to listen
eyes to see
souls to comprehend what the eyes cannot.
It shouldn't be this complicated;
they shouldn't matter this much;
an alluding love just seems somehow
more appealing
the grass is always greener.
We want what we can't have.

But maybe
a perspective we haven't tried
is this:
maybe we do have it.
Maybe
just maybe
all that we long for is right before our very eyes
and we are preoccupied with the absence
missing what's there..
It may not be the best timing
It may not be the best way
but I think
that maybe
it might be there.

Somewhere.
Coming.
Here.

Whatever.

All I know is
when you turn around
I'll be there.

And the rest,
I'm just not sure about.

& the invisible girl;

I am being spread far too thin.
I am everywhere are once,
and simultaneous to doing everything,
I am doing nothing.
I can't give my all to all things,
it just isn't working.

I feel like crap.

I feel like I owe everyone
an apology,
because everything is getting compromised.

I hate this.

I always multi-task in class,
because my homework for another is never done.
I always do my homework in rehearsal,
because I never feel caught up.
I do things for rehearsal when I'm hanging out with friends,
because I feel bad for not BEING there at rehearsal.

I just feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions
and yet
here I am
wasting time.

What an idiot.

its over.

I have been broken too many times before to walk into your lies.
Different might be out there somewhere,
but you are not different.
You are just someone else who seems to like lying to me,
and I do not have the time
or the energy
to deal with it.
But I am stuck with you
stuck in this situation
so I think
after all I have done for you;
you could at least extend me the courtesy
of truth.

I can't do this again.

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.

last night, i had a dream;

I dreamed that I was sitting in a theatre somewhere.. and whatever show was going on I had something to do with.. perhaps I had stage managed it, I'm not sure. But I was sitting in the balcony, and I knew you were there, I knew you were coming.
And then there you were.
You didn't see me, so I called out your name.
You asked if I had just said your name.
I asked if you remembered me.
You didn't...You called me another name.
But you reached out your hand to me,
I took it for a moment,
disgust and annoyance filling me up.

Then there he was,
the one who never knew me,
staring straight at me,
remembering me,
empathizing.
But only for a second.

And then you both were gone,
as if I had never been there.

And I was left empty, and you were left full.


"Didn't I see this movie? And didn't I cry?...
I have seen this movie. And I walked out.
I'm walking..."

drunk with love

Quotes from Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz"---

"I sat on my bed and looked out at my tree, which by this time was gathering rain in applause. I didn't feel much like Napoleon that night. I didn't like being reminded about how self-absorbed I was. I wanted to be over this, done with this. I didn't want to live in a broken world or a broken me. I wasn't trying to weasel out of anything, I just wasn't in the mood to be on earth that night. I get like that sometimes when it rains, or when I see certain sad movies. I put on the new Wilco album, turned it up and went into the bathroom to wash my hands and face.
I know now, from experience, that the path to joy winds through this dark valley. I think every well-adjusted human being has dealt squarely with his or her own depravity. I realize this sounds very Christian, very fundamentalist and browbeating, but I want to tell you this part of what the Christians are saying is true. I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection. Nothing is going to change in the Congo until you and I figure out what is wrong with the person in the mirror."

"There is something quite beautiful about the Grand Canyon at night. There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what he is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committeed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her."

"'Don,' he said, 'If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus.'"

"I was watching BET one night, and they were interviewing a man about jazz music. He said jazz music was invented by the first generation out of slavery. I thought that was beautiful because, while it is music, it is very hard to put on paper; it is so much more a language of the soul. It is as if the soul is saying something, something about freedom. I think Christian spirituality is like jazz music. I think loving Jesus is something you feel. I think it is something very difficult to get on paper. But it is no less real, no less meaningful, no less beautiful.
The first generation out of slavery invented jazz music. It is a music birthed out of freedom. And that is the closest thing I know to Christian spirituality. A music birthed out of freedom. Everybody sings the song the way they feel it, everybody closes their eyes and lifts up their hands."

spelling it out: why I love Stacy London

I love Stacy London.
I love her because she has helped me believe in who I am.

I have always believed in my abilities, but I have never believed in my personality, if you know what I mean.
I always knew I was capable of succeeding, but didn't always realize my self-worth.
This is what Stacy has helped me to change.

Stacy London is a wonderful person, and so beautiful inside and out.
But she is a REAL person.
She is down to earth despite her fame, and despite the fact that so many people look to her for advice, and even consider her like an older sister, a role model, or a friend...though they have never even met.
She identifies with us, the regular people.
She is open and honest and is not afraid to tell the truth, because really, people NEED to hear the truth in all circumstances, not just style.

Stacy is one of the most giving, sweet and supportive people I have ever come across.
She makes time to respond to endless tweets, and uses her life to help others, like me, feel better about themselves.

Because of Stacy London, I like who I am.
I am no longer obsessive over my wide nose, fat thighs, ghetto booty (if you will) or any of those other "flaws." I am okay with my body. It doesn't matter the number on the tag. I was not molded by a cookie cutter... I am a person- I am unique. And thanks to Ms. London, I can embrace that. :)
Because of Stacy London, I no longer hate my birthday.
I have hated my birthday since the year I turned 13... I was never really sure why, but I think now it was because I didn't like the attention it brought. I didn't want people to make a fuss over me, because I didn't believe I was worth it.
Now, I am happy about my birthday. I am very excited that tomorrow, people will wish me happy birthday via facebook, and that I will get to hang out with amazing friends and have cupcakes and lattes.
I am embracing who I am and where I am in my life, and that is something I have never been able to do this easily.

When I met Stacy on Sunday, I told her she had changed my life.
And she really has.
When I got back from NYC Monday morning, I was completely overwhelmed with school work, preparation for the week of rehearsals, events, crazy college-ness... everything. But I was happy with ME. I sat there at in my room, took things one by one, and thought to myself, "I could not be happier."
Because of Stacy London, I am happy with who I am.
And I know that I am worth friendship and love.
And I am not limited by what others might think.
And I am more open with my personality among others.
And I realize that I am a person worth knowing.

Thank you Stacy.
You really have changed my life.
And I hope you realize how much I appreciate all you have done for me.

You are a truly incredible person, and meeting you was a moment I will never forget, and will treasure for the rest of my life.

You are someone I aspire to be more like.
You inspire me.
I really cannot explain properly how much you have helped me, but I just wanted to say thank you.

It means more than you know.
<3

shut the front door.

So.. in case you live in a bubble or something.. or just don't know me, I went to NYC yesterday.. around 7ish am. Then came back today around 6am.

And it. was. amazing.

As the plane landed over the beautiful city, we could see Manhattan 'from the sky' on SUCH a beautiful day.. and it was JUST like what you see in pictures. I love it. The feeling I get whenever I see that amazing sight is like no other.. its this build up of joy, excitement, anticipation, and belonging.. bliss.

We arrived at the hotel close to 10am and checked in. Very cute little place, and very fancy! :) Then I changed into my classy Stacy London worthy outfit and we were off.

We walked like.. way too many blocks for me to be wearing those platform ankle boots. lol. But we went to the Times Square area, and got lunch and coffee (YES!) and then hit up awesome touristy places like Toys R Us, the M&M store, and many cute little shops that sell my favorite, BROADWAY MEMORABILIA! squee. And in the meanwhile, I spotted not one but two of those crazy 'naked cowboy' people and a couple getting wedding photos taken IN TIMES SQUARE. Jealous much!?!?! BUH. lol.
Anyway, then it was time to head over to SHUBERT ALLEY. One of my favorite places in Manhattan. We got a quick Starbucks to keep the energy up.. lol. Then we entered the Booth Theatre to see "Next to Normal"!!! And holy poo. IT WAS SOOOOOO GOOD. Alice Ripley, though she is totes cray, is a phenomenon onstage. For real. I was in awe the entire time. Also, the guy who played her son... HOT. And probably my favorite male actor I have ever seen live on Broadway. I've gotta say.
Guh it was so good. Afterwards I hung out at the stage door HOPING Alice would come out but OFCOURSESHEDIDNT. Oh well. I did get to meet 3 hot guys and the girl from Spring Awakening!! squee. :)
So, then we caught a cab back to the hotel to freshen up, ran down the block to get a pizza, ate half of it, and then caught yet another cab to 92Y where my fav ever STACY LONDON was to be speaking!!!!!

Now, the best part. =]]

We were sitting in the house right side section of seats,.. about 5th or 6th row from the front. Very good view. And I was pretty much freaking out... for no reason. I was just SO nervous because I was about to be in the same room with Stacy London..and approx. 500 other people. haha..
So, after what seemed like far too long, it began. However, before Stacy came out, two boring people had to talk and introduce things or whatever and I was bursting with BUHness. haha. (If you know me, I think you can imagine me in this situation.) Anyway, the talk was going swimmingly, Stacy was being so funny and so brilliant and of course it was great. Then the lady who was asking the questions (it was interview style) asked something that made Stacy mention twitter... I did a small "woo!" to myself, and the next thing I know, Stacy goes, "..which, speaking of, Kelley are you here?" and is looking out into the audience. I immediately raised my arm and yelled, "I'm here!!" and Stacy says, "Oh my God, I got you a beer for your 21st birthday!!" I was like.. shrieking with thankfulness and WHOAness at this point, and she motioned for me to come and get it from her.. At this point the entire audience is like laughing out of amusement and applauding... And I joggged down to the side of the stage where she was kneeling. She handed me the Coors light, skillfully packaged in the classic sketchy brown paper bag, remarked "Oh I love the outfit!" and squeezed my right hand with a smile. I returned to my seat, and several random people looked at me and said sweet things like "That was great!" or "Happy Birthday!"... :D
I turned to my mother and whispered excitedly, "I can't believe that just happened."
Probably one of the best moments ever, I'd say.
AFTER the talk, I was standing in the lobby with a new twitter friend, and Zooey, Stacy's assisstant came out from where a private reception was going on, noticed my mother holding the beer, and asked "Did your daughter...?" At that moment, I walked over, and Zooey said, "You're Kelley?" "Yes," I said. She introduced herself (but oh of course I knew who she was before) and said that Stacy wanted me to come back to the reception. I said something along the lines of "Ooh yay!!!" and followed her back there. Stacy was surrounded by people, so I told my mom we could just chill and wait a while. No need to be impatient. :) So we creeped around and watched Stacy critique, SO wonderfully, some woman's VERY LIGHT WASH mom jeans. It was hilar. We moseyed closer to her eventually, as the crowd began to die down, and then she looks over at us, noticed it was me, and said, "Hi..Oh good she got you back here! And you must be mom?? How are you?" My mother replied of course.. and blah blah. SO then Stacy had to tend to other people, and eventually, it was my turn. We took a smiley photo, and then spoke for a few moments, she was like "How are you? You okay?" Me: I'm great! Stacy: So, you're the kellster!! Me: haha YES I am! I don't remember what Stacy said next exactly.. BUT anyway then I was like "We need to take a funny picture!" Her: What kind of funny face should I make? Me: Oh uh..how bout.. just gimme a ghetto face. So then we posed for our FABULOUS ghetto photo, and she goes "Oh I know that's going on twitter!" I'm not sure where the segue came in, but the next thing I remember chronologically is holding Stacy's hand and being like "Thank you so much. You are amazing and wonderful and you have changed my life, you really have. You have no idea." Stacy replied, in her sweet Stacy-ish way, "You know, YOU can change your life" and then went on sweetly like that.. She gave me like.. the longest hug ever. She is SO SO AMAZING. Everyone should have someone in their life like her. There are really not enough people like that, especially in the fashion industry.
She is even better in real life. :)