i am so sorry.

There are a few things that have been on my mind lately that I need to address.
First of all, I love Jesus. Yes, unless someone who totally does not know me is reading this, then you already knew that. Definitely not headline news. But it is a true fact. I believe that belief in Jesus is the way to salvation (from what you ask? from both the brokenness and hopelessness of the world and from living eternity in well...hell). Am I crazy? I don't think so.

I would like to apologize
I am so sorry my friends.
I am sorry that there are people
who claim to love Jesus
(a Jesus who IS GOD,
and a God who is LOVE,)
and these PEOPLE
think they are the gods.
They believe they will save us with their words
their lengthy prayers
their sermons of hellfire and brimstone
and they are terribly wrong.
I woud like to say I'm sorry
because I know you know these people
and it brings me to TEARS
yes, i am in tears,
over the fact that PEOPLE LIKE THEM
are the VERY ONES
PREVENTING YOU
FROM BELIEVING
IN JESUS
who hung out with whores
tax collectors
thieves
poor people
lepers
the ones the HIGH AND MIGHTY
PRIESTS
would not touch with a ten foot pole.

They were the liars and thieves,
and JESUS spoke a TRUTH OF LOVE.

And I am SO SORRY that your churches may not have emphasized this, because it is absolutely essential, and defines what a Christian life is supposed to be about.

(BTW, If you ARE someone who doesn't know me or even someone who does and you want to talk about my faith or ask me questions about it, please do so!!! I would love to talk to you.)
:)

ANYWAY.
On to my point.
I believe that the ONLY thing necessary for salvation is trust in Jesus Christ as Lord & Savior.
Nothing more.

I am a Christian, but I am not a stereotype.
I am pro gay marriage.
I believe that homosexuals have JUST AS MUCH ability or opportunity to go to heaven as anyone else.
(If ANY PERSON HAS EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU ARE GOING TO HELL, then they are WRONG. They are condemning you, and they have ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to EVER even THINK anything like that about ANYONE. I would like to apologize to whoever of you this has happened to, because you were badly wronged by someone who called themself a Christian, and I hope you can forgive them and see that they were not being a Christian in that circumstance.)
I am pro life, because tiny babies are people too and deserve their rights just as homosexuals and everyone else does.
I am pro-green agenda.
I am pro-gun control.
I am ANTI-capital punishment.
I don't care if you get divorced.
I am pro-stem cell research, but not when these stem cells come from aborted babies.
I don't care if you get artificially inseminated.
I would love it if homosexual couples could adopt children in every state and wouldn't have to constantly prove that they are worthy of raising kids.

I love people of all races.
I love people of all religions.
I love people who hate religion.

I don't care if you drink.
I don't care if you smoke.
I don't care if you get divorced and remarried eight times.
I don't care that you make mistakes or have a sordid past, because EVERYONE makes mistakes, and only He who is without sin has the right to condemn. And no human is that.
I don't care if your hair is bright purple and you are covered in tatoos and piercings.
...Because I love you anyway.
I am VERY slightly fiscally conservative, but hey, that's just me!
When it comes to social issues, I am straight down the middle of the political spectrum.
I am NOT a staunch conservative like many southern 'religious' people.
I am NOT judgmental.
I love everyone, because that my friends, is what Jesus teaches. I Peter 4:8 says "Above all, love one another deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
Also, Jesus said that the greatest commentment was to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.

I have been thinking about several of my friends and acquaintances lately who I know were damaged by judgmental southern churches they attended throughout childhood who judged them, and put POLITICS on the same level as religion.

I can't tell you how much I despise it
when people think that all Christians
are the pit preacher,
those who point fingers,
say you're going to hell,
quote old testament verses to you
WAY OUT OF CONTEXT
make their own assumptions
just so they can feel
like they're better.
But please know, friends,
they are not.
They are no better
but no worse
than you or I.
They need help
I need help
you need help...

we are broken...

and that is why we need Jesus.
He is our link to purity
and our opportunity
to live in love
and live FOREVER
in pure perfection.

[On a side note, though Christianity is not a religion, its a RELATIONSHIP, a personal relationship with Jesus that permeates itself in one's life, a life of LOVE and FORGIVENESS and HOPE.]

I am still in tears
and I am still so sorry
and in mourning
because I despise it
when people make YOU feel
like YOU are not worthy of heaven
BECAUSE YOU ARE.
And this is something
that I KNOW
for sure.

My dear friends,
you are beautiful. Yes, you make mistakes, but I do too. WE ALL DO! Christian or not, mistakes will always be a part of your life. That's just the way it is. But Jesus Christ is Lord, and he is a Lord of LOVE and this loves comes with it a TRUTH and a PEACE and a HOPE that will SET YOU FREE from the brokenness and judgment and harshness of the world.
Please talk to me if you have any questions or comments.
Please let me know especially if this made you mad.
I want to know what you think and how you feel.
My heart breaks for anyone who has been wronged by a church and people who profess to be believers in the God of love who is Jesus Christ.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I LOVE YOU more than you will ever know.

And because of this,

I wish I could save you.

Because if you're wrong about Christ
if you choose not to believe
and I'm right,
take a moment,
and imagine
just how grievous
how inexplicably terrible
that error would be.

I love you, and I want to hang out with you in heaven. So, please believe.
Please be there.

seasons of awesomeness.

Jordi: I think im gonna go pee.
Me: okay.
Jordi: mk love you.
Me: Love you too, have fun!

speeeeeeeeak.

You are constantly partially there for me,
is there anything I can pretend to do for you?
-Megan Mullally as Karen Walker, Will & Grace

emo.

I guess what it boils down to is
I wish
that for once in my life
someone would see through my fake smile
and ask me how I am.
And when I say okay,
they would say, no
I can tell something's wrong.

Because it is.

I love you for who you are;
so why is it,
why the hell is it,
that I never get that in return.

Oh, also,
thanks a lot.
You invite "us" to come
but if the other says no, I can't go,
then I am uninvited?
Maybe.
Ish.
Whateverthehelljusthappened.

At this point
I don't even know what I want.
I don't even care anymore.
I am so over it with my life.

i wanna know you

I am just generally frustrated with my life right now.
I feel like I am being either pushed out or just like.. unnoticed/neglected in every single form of community I am in. And I know this is whiny and immature, and you are probably thinking that I am being like.. some sort of angsty 12 year old.
But you know what?
This is my blog.
I will type what I like.

ANYWAY.
I feel like I am being ousted... This is the THIRD time a job/position has been basically TAKEN from me for no real reason and without any sort of warning to me in what we will refer to as student org. 1.
In student org. 2, I have NEVER really felt very welcome.. there are a total of oh.. two-ish people who reached out to me in this group, and one of them was basically just a 'yeah i know your name and will say hi when I see you' type deal. The other one: that's why I stayed. That's why I keep contributing. That's why I am happy every Tuesday and Thursday morning. But I love this group of people and what they're about. I want to stay there, but I want to feel like I am actually a part of it, and that people actually give a shit about me. I mean.. honestly. Who wouldn't want that?
Then there is #3. This is the one that, as of oh.. 24 hours ago, I was in love with. I still love it. I love what I do. I love the people. But I feel really LEFT OUT in it... like... my favorite part of this job is that I get to be with these amazing people, but my least favorite part is that they barely notice I'm even there.
I can take being left out to a certain extent.
But when other people who are like.. not IN the IN crowd get included and I don't, and am the only one who doesn't, then that becomes an issue. Most of the time, in most situations, I have a buddy. Someone who I am completely comfortable with, who I can just go up to and hang out with when I feel awkward or w/e.. but in this situation I don't. I hate that. I feel like such an asshole even saying this but its how I feel. I can't apologize for that.

I just want one place where I feel entirely appreciated, safe, accepted, wanted, known, loved... that's all.

Does a place like that exist?

Maybe not... maybe not for me...

I'm just so over it.
I'm tired of being all that I can be for everyone else and getting nothing back.
I wish people would just be STRAIGHT UP and HONEST with me. Because that is how you need to be with me to save me a lot of roller coaster emotions. Because I am very insecure, and very inhibited when I don't feel accepted. So yeah. Just tell me the truth. Be bold in your decisions to love or to hate me. It will make things a lot easier for everyone involved.

And you know what,
I want to be appreciated, but that doesn't mean you have to tell me I'm awesome all the time or anything... just acknowledge me.
I want to be loved, but that doesn't mean you have to hug me every day or tell me that all the time... just SHOW ME.
I want to be wanted, but that doesn't mean you have to invite me to hang out with you all the time... just don't blatantly talk about your plans in front of me.
And I want to be missed when I'm not around, but that doesn't mean you have to go over the top crazy when I'm not there or even tell me you miss me... just smile when you see me next.

I hate this.
I hate that I apparently have some huge sign on top of my head that reads "DOESNT MATTER" because that is the way I am treated.
I LOVE to do things for people but I WILL NOT TOLERATE being taken advantage of. I just can't deal with it. I will do the thankless job, but like.. at least show me some love while I'm doing it.
Whatever.

Life just sucks sometimes.
And right now is one of those times.

And if you're reading this, go ahead and assume that I'm not talking about you.
Because I'm not.

& i wish you were here.

So, after a day of good things, and a moment of crap things that can turn my entire day upside down and put me in a crappy mood, I am very very thankful to have people in my life who can cheer me up.
Leigh
Anna
Rachel
Samantha
Jordi
Cat
Leslie
Erin
Jamie
..they are awesome people. And they were all there for me last night, even the ones who had no idea I was pissed off, and they made me happy.
<3

I have a lot more to say about other things but this will come later. :)

Staceyann Chin- Feminist or Womanist.

The truth is
I am afraid to draw black lines around me
I’m not always pale in the middle
I come in too many flavors for one fucking spoon
I am never one thing or the other
At night I am everything I fear
Tears and sorrows, black windows and muffled screams
In the morning I am all I ever want to be
Rain and laughter, bare footprints and invisible seams
Always without breath or definition
I claim every single dawn
For yesterday is simply what I was
And tomorrow
Even that will be gone.

-an exerpt from a poem by Staceyann Chin, "Feminist or Womanist"

music monday

There will always be magic in my mind that only your spirit can bring.
I look at you and I remember all the good times and forget how broken I became.
I see your face and think of your love.

Guh.

That is all I can say about that.

NYC IN 13 DAYS. :D

This blog has been brought to you by 'Rent' rehearsal in a room we're not allowed to be in because we snuck in here because they double booked the room we reserved.
Good night and good luck.
<3

stand by.

So, yesterday I was offered a possible stage managing job for next semester... again. Now, I would love to do this, of course. But stage managing for this amazingly wonderful director is a big time committment. And this would mean that I would not have the chance to do anyyyy shows next semester. And would still only be able to go to choir once a week. =/ And would always have to miss IV... I'm not sure about this. Like, I know I would really enjoy it and it would look better on a resume for me than being in a show... but I'm not sure I can give up everything else yet again.
Although, my first instinct was to reply with a resounding YES to the offer.
If you have thoughts for me on this, PLEASE TELL ME. I need opinions.
Even though in the end I will probably just do what I want, I want you to tell me what you think I should do. Because I don't KNOW what I want to do...yet.
kthanksbye. <3

its all a blur

I'm not sure about this.
My life right now.
I am so jaded towards everything- class, choir, IV, even the show...I'm not sure why.
Towards the end of last semester I was STOKED for this year... then a lot of stupid drama happened, but I was still excited. But now, nope. I'm not. I am over it.
Maybe its because this is junior year? Freshman year you're getting into your niche, finding new opportunities, meeting people, getting acclimated...Then sophomore year you feel better about your life because you know how to DEAL with it all and you're doing everything you want to do and all that. Junior year they say is the hardest academically..which so far is not true. I think LAST semester was as hard as its going to get for me *knockonwood* BUT I haven't really heard much else about what its supposed to be like. Are we the jaded juniors? Or is it just me?? Who knows.

I think I just need some time with God so He can help me get re-energized about all this STUFF.
----------------

It doesn't help that suddenly I think of you and a little twinge of pain and regret shoots up my spine.
Its getting better, but it may never heal.
I don't forget.
I can't.
And every so often there you'll be ... and I'll try not to notice, but...
you're there.
A living mirage.
-------------------

You disappear from my life.
But then at some random moment,
you come back.
The cycle continues like this.
You pretend like you're here for me
so I make an effort
and then
you refuse to return the effort
because you MIGHT have other plans
that have not come up yet
but perhaps MIGHT.
Thanks a lot.
That really makes me feel like you care.
Eff.
---------------------------

Also, the coffee I made today was especially good. I was happy about that.
And I get to go home this weekend, and I am very happy about that.

memories fade.

Amazing fb bumper sticker quote:

I want you to hug me one more time, because the only thing in this world that scares me is that I'll never feel that safe ever again.

Amazing song:

http://www.imeem.com/markypoo/music/_VY0fahu/trey-lockerbie-somehow/

anddd that is all. because it is 11:48pm.

this is weird.

For the first time since I was oh...12, I am actually looking forward to my birthday.
This is weird.
This does not happen to me.

Maybe its because I'm meeting Stacy London and seeing a Broadway show (I'm thinking either 'Next to Normal' or 'In the Heights') the weekend before... or maybe its because I am hopefully going to see my bff Kelsey in 'The Pajama Game' the weekend after... or maybe its because I decided to have a late night Sugarland gathering either on my bday or the day after and me and friends will be drinking vanilla lattes and eating cupcakes.

But nevertheless, I am looking forward to it.
I'm not sure what to make of this.

Anyway, life is pretty decent otherwise. Classes are okay. IV is going really well and it feels good to finally be a real part of it this year. 'Rent' will officially start eating my life on Tuesday when we start rehearsals. I am ogling at yet another cute boy (how old am I? 12?! lol). My to-do list is about a mile long...
So, everything is pretty normal!

Umm.. so. I need instant film. Feel free to buy some for me as a gift for said birthday. ;) jkjk. But I DO need some.

PS- is it possible to upload videos on blogger? Becuase like, dude. I need to make use of this technology.

And also, it would be wonderful if I had a car on campus. Can this happen soon please? I'm starting to think that maybe even the super far away PR lot would be better than nothing. Because then I would not have to beg everyone to give me rides everywhere, and I could have gone home this weekend.. or something.

All for now.
<3

should've never left you broken.

God is working.
He is always working in our lives, and then sometimes when we realize it, it hits us like a ton of bricks and brings out all this emotion we never knew we had.
I love that.
But it brings out our struggles too.. struggles that he wants us to face head on.

Just thoughts..

It must be remembered though, that love penetrates borders, tears down walls, and shines through even the darkest of nights.

Love wins in the end.

Although, sometimes we have to sift through the flourescent lights to find the true Son.
And sometimes it hurts.

But I made it through..
and I believe in you. You can do it too. <3

Sometimes, we just have to take what we've gained, and that little piece of us that we give away at the wrong time, leave a little light, and walk away.

This is what I know for sure... part of it anyway.

Time to wash the pineapple juice out of my hair.
Have a lovely evening, all.
<3