I had a dream

So I had this weird dream the night before last....

I was Laura Ingalls Wilder at about age 9 or 10 I would say... except I looked like me. I was with "ma" on the show, and we were in a wagon going somewhere. Ma was pregnant with like, triplets or something, not sure, but I know there was more than one baby involved. Then something happened, I'm not sure what, but we needed help. And there was nothing I could do. I think something happened to the wagon and we couldn't go anywhere and .. i dont know. but we had to just like, wait there for someone to come by so we could get help. Then, later, here comes Miss Beadle [from the show] who was ALSO pregnant, but she was in a wagon and I told her we needed help and she sped off to get help for us. Later, again, she comes back and she is holding this fold-up wagon [weird, i know, but all my dreams defy reality] and anyway, shes holding this huge folded up thing and she is coughing up blood and bile and she is pregnant.. ugh it was disgusting.
But in the dream, I knew what to do. I got the wagon set up and I put ma and miss beadle in it.. and off we went. I drove that wagon like an expert and we went SO FAST it was ridiculous. And at some point we went through the union.. weird. yes. So we finally got where we were going .. and i dont know who it was but when we got to this place someone was there and I was like "OH i hope theyre okay I came as fast as I could!" and I really thought i had saved the day.
But they were both dead.

Then I was me again, at age 10, and I was sitting in the back of my dad's old ford aerostar, that was attached to a u-haul or something. Dad was in the driver's seat, and mom and I were in the back seat. They told me we were moving, and off we went.
I cried.
And I couldn't stop crying.
Because they were dead, and it was my fault.
And then I had to wake up, because I couldn't let it go on any longer.

---------

Ok, so I know that was really weird and disturbing.

But I had another dream a couple nights before that, that was far less disturbing..
There was however, a bit of common ground.

In both dreams, I had to help someone I cared about.
I was the ONLY one who could do anything.
I was proud of myself for what I had done to help.
But in the end, my efforts failed.


Weird.

I could be anything you like.

There are a number of things I need to address in my blogging adventures for today. First of all- I got an adrenaline rush while I was looking over the IV leadership application today in Lenoir. I really want to be on the large group creative team. That would be amaze of ways. And I think I would be good at it... since I have drama experience [understatement, much!?] and I always have a stately opinion about large group.. lol.
Also, I will still be doing h2h next year.. that comes with committee, leading the drama team, all that fun stuff.
And I will try to work out [hollaback for zumba] at least twice a week, along with doing a bible study, going to church, seeing plays.. and...
PAUPER. I need to be more involved in campus theatre. And it needs to be musical theatre. And I need a leadership application please and thank you.

I am also considering dropping the PR major idea and downgrading to a minor. It'd be tons easier. But I'm not sure yet. I need to make an advising appointment reallyyyyyyy soon.


Going to make cool ringtones now.
More lata.

dig a tunna

I am currently listening to the playlist on my itunes entitled 'Jamie-ish Music' ... hence the Lion King 1.5 song.

I just wanna blog.
And stay up late.
And drink a lot of diet dr pepper and eat chocolate and think. I have done more than my fair share of that lately.

SO, life?

Let's update in a more concrete way than I have been lately.

1. I really appreciate zumba, as an activity. It is a work out, it is fun, and I always have MORE energy coming out than I do going in. This is positive. And Danielle, well, she is always an epic win. It is one of the FEW things I have been able to do with myself lately that causes me to not hate myself for. Also a positive.
2. I fail at existing. And talking. And friendship. And that sucks. And I am paranoid and emo. And its insanely shitty. And I need... something. But I'm not sure what. Maybe I just need to feel needed.
3. I need new ringtones... I am working on getting them. But my phone fails sometimes.
4. I had a dream last night that I was playing Lily in 'The Secret Garden' and I was only onstage like.. for two songs or something [which is not how the show is], but I was singing the real lyrics, and I had to stand on this really steep staircase that made me nervous and there were all these children I was supposed to be singing to... And my voice kept failing on the super high notes [commmme toooooooooo my gardennnnn] and then I finally got the notes but I couldn't breathe and I almost passed out. And then I woke up.
5. I feel like a bitch lately. And that is highly unfortunate, because I am really NOT a bitch at all. [lol that made me think of the wizard of oz "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" "I'm not a witch at all!"]
6. I might start taking voice lessons from Sarah. And that would make me INSANELY nervous, and she would laugh at me, but I might do it anyway. Just so I can see her more often. How desperate.
7. I need to redo my emo nail polish. I kinda wish my state of emo-ness would permeate itself more obviously in my life... maybe then someone would ask what's wrong... Not that I would know how to answer.
8. Its a problem that I have no idea what I am doing with myself this summer.
9. I just got a craving to perform a monologue. I miss my acting class. It was amahzing.
10. Its coming down to nothing more than apathy.

Sometimes I wish I were brave enough to ask people what I REALLY want to ask them.
But I am not. And I just keep on ...

Why is it that we always chase the love that alludes us?
Satisfaction is something I am afraid I will only know in sparing moments.

And ps- I miss Kelsey. A lot.

you make me feel...

like a natural woman???

No.


Like shit.
Like a failure.
Like someone who doesn't matter.
Inconsequential.
Friendless.
Stupid.
Untalented.
Boring.
Invisible.
Scummy.
Ugly.
Like an idiot.
Like I felt when I was in fourth grade, and had no one to talk to.
Like I have felt so many times before.
Lost.
Like a bad person.
Like I have every reason to be gone.
Insecure.
Like my life is an emo Relient K song.
Like I'm fading away.


"I'm torn apart & you've had your fun
Do you suppose I earned it?"

"You'll never see what you're doing to me."

failblog.

As I have mentioned in previous mspace about me's, I completely fail at conversation. For example, if someone tells a story.. I am NEVER able to think of some witty 'related story' as people everywhere seem to be able to do. This is a problem. Because when I can out with a certain person A and person B, I become the third wheel.

I have nothing to say that would really relate to the conversation at hand, so I just wait for the proper moment of silence to launch in with a random tidbit of something that I find remotely interesting.. and then, boom. Story time again. Thanks person A.

That said, it is extremely important for me to build one-on-one relationships with people who are older than me... Select people, that is- like Leslie, Kelsey, Susan, Debra, and now, person B.

I LOVE person B... so much. She is the best ever. She and I are SO kindred its ridiculous. But she of course, would not know how kindred we are, because EVERY time we hang out person A has to delve into every detail of her oh-so-traumatizing&dramatic life.. and then person B has a rebuttle story, that kind of relates, and me? I've got nothin.

I feel like a horrible person. Because I LOVE person A a lot too!! But I realllyyyyyy do not enjoy hanging out with her & person B together. Because I fail at existing, and am the least interesting person ever, with absolutely nothing to say that would begin to trump the maddness of person A's life story.

Person B, however, really seems to enjoy hanging out with me and person A. Together.
Fail.

This leaves me wondering...
1. Does person B like person A better than me?
2. Would it be mean of me to start hanging out with them separately?
3. Is it wrong that I kinda want to keep them separate.. from each other?? [Yes.]
4. Am I one of person B's ''dont wanna hang out with JUST them'' people??
5. Am I as boring as I think I am?


Boo.

This is a fail.
failblog.

And in case you were wondering, this is just me being paranoid. And it will most likely be over by, say, tomorrow... but still.
Its an issue.
I have a paranoia problem.

i hope its alright if you're still mine when we're older

These lyrics are incredible-


"I hope you don't mind if I fall asleep on your shoulder now
turn off the lights and let the night begin;
I hope its alright if you're still mine when we're older
cuz I won't spend another day wonderin' what might have been."
-Kate Voegele, 'Might Have Been'
*** This song reminds me of me. And how there are some people who I just want to keep forever, who I could actually fall asleep on their shoulders and feel completely secure. It also reminds me of how I just go for it when I see someone I want to be friends with, I just am. And I hope they don't mind.

"Red letter day, and I'm in a blue mood
wishing that blue would just carry me away;
I've been talkin to God, don't know if its helpin or not
but surely somethin has got to, got to give,
cuz I can't keep waitin to live.
How far do I have to go to get to you?
Many the miles..."
-Sara Bareilles, 'Many the Miles'
***Sometimes I just want to disappear. And sometimes I feel like praying is not helping, even though I know God is there. And I just keep wishing, and hoping, and wondering when the sun will rise again, because I can't function normally [aka happily] when I am consumed with unhappy thoughts.. which are usually caused by separation [physical or emotional] from someone I love.

"Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
Because I'm tryin & tryin to walk away,
but I know this crush ain't goin away..."
-David Archuleta, 'Crush'
***Need I say more?

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
life is a maze, and love is a riddle,
I don't know where to go,
can't do it alone- I've tried,
and I don't know why.
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment,
I'm so scared that I don't show it
I cant figure out, its bringin me down I know.
I've got to let it go, and just enjoy the show."
-Lenka, 'The Show'
***Life is so effing complicated. I just feel like it is this roller coaster ride of highs and lows and there is no way to escape. I need people, and they don't need me; and that is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. Then I just keep all these feelings bottled inside, only to reveal them to like.. the 4 people on earth I trust most. It is never-ending confusion over SOMETHING, and then I get all emo.. but I just need to remember to chill and enjoy the friends I do have.

"Don't break my heart,
I ain't never done nothin to deserve this
I'm torn apart & you've had your fun
do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I'm beggin on my knees;
now don't speak, don't breathe,
you bring out the devil in me."
-Kate Voegele, 'Devil in Me'
***This pretty much explains itself. Sometimes it feels like the world is out to get you... and it sucks.

"I wanna come to the base of a statue built
before they counted the years,
and there I'll fall with my face in my hands & cry
& feel their hope in my tears."
-Brendan James, 'All I Can See'
***This is just a beautiful lyric. And I love it.

"And I won't be far from where you are
if ever you should call.
You meant more to me than anyone
I've ever loved at all;
you taught me how to trust myself
and so I say to you, that this is what I have to do...
Cuz I don't know who I am,
who I am without you;
all I know is that I should..."
-Missy Higgins, 'Where I Stood'
***Its true.

more lata.

for the record

I am happy.

Last night was amazing.
Leslie made it so, as did Sarah [i can has!] and a certain Mr. Bill Cosby.
Life is good.

& I just thought you should know.

Positive Psychology in action

So, Barbara Fredrickson, my positive psychology professor from fall freshman year said that a gratitude journal was an actual help in making people think more positively about their lives. Thus, I kinda bs-ed my way through one to do my end of semester 15page paper, and I've gotta say, even a bs gratitude journal is kinda nice. :)
So, let's give this a shot.
Here are some things that happened this week that were GOOD.

1. Monday- I skipped class to go shopping and to starbucks with Erin. We had super amounts of fun & saw two random Asian men sitting on the lovers bench.

2. Also Monday- I had a real dinner for the first time in a long time with Taylor & Caroline & saw pretty much everyone I know at Lenoir.

3. Monday still- we had a show. It was amazingly fun, of course. Sarah fixed my hair. I talked to Sarah backstage like always, John ate the bear onstage, the set went swimmingly. Then, backstage, we watched MY youtube videos, and the video of that kid high from the dentist, and then played WOW. :)

4. Monday after the show- Hugs. Though the goodbyes were devastating, the hugs were great. Play by play: I was talking to Katherine, her 2 friends, Tyler, Leigh, Nick & others. Sarah came over to us and I gave her my sad face as she said she had to leave. There was a hug, and I said "I loves you," which she repeated, "Loves you." Then she told Katherine goodbye and said we would all have to have lunch sometime, and left. I continued to whine about the show being over and how Sarah was no longer in my life, which Tyler thought was absurd of course. But then Sarah came back into the cabaret and I got happy again. Then as she was about to leave I grabbed her hand & said, "Sarah! Don't go!" And as she hugged me, again, she explained how her 5page paper was due the next morning, and how she did indeed need to go. I held back the tears, but I felt the love. We let go of the embrace and she looked at me, and without saying anything, held me in her arms again. I guess she knew I needed it. We let go again, and she looked at me and not said, but asked, "Have a good night?" almost as if to make sure I was ready for her to go. I nodded a regretful yes, but it was clear that I would or could never be ready to let go of her. But her presence, that is the positive.

5. Tuesday- easy classes, and yay for getting some work done during lunch.

6. Tuesday night- I went to b-skis with Cat, Leigh, & Erin and we sang a very odd rendition of Hakuna Matata. "Its our problem smmmmm philosophy, hakuna matata!"

7. Wednesday- studying outside/in the union with Taylor, Caroline, Erin, Erica & Natalie. Good times. Very productive. Yay. Alpine dinner was pretty good as well!

8. More Wednesday- H2H was a win. And I get to sing the cue notes all alone! That is the wootfulness! I think it will get better if we keep doing what we did then.

9. Thursday- I actually kinda followed what was going on in 283. Kinda.

10. Later Thursday- musicals class was SO fun. Rachel was a complete happy spaz, which rubbed off on me I must say. She made me LOL. We watched some amazing performances, and the best was when we watched Jennifer Holiday sing "And I am Telling you I'm not Going" and I turned to Rachel, who was making her appalled face, and I CRACKED UP and go, "Rachel! You look scared!!" It was sooooo funneh.

11. And Thursday again- Valentines dinner in Lenoir. Always a memorable event.

12. Friday- Despite the fact that I didn't study for the econ quiz, I did okay on it. Also, we did nothing in PR & then got out early. woot!

13. It was Friday the 13th! I GOT TICKETS TO PATTI LUPONE! And even if I don't get to see Sarah before then, I know she will be there. Plus, I am going with Leigh, Tyler & Katherine which is a major win.

That's it. But its a lot. It matters.
I'm hoping it will help a bit.

I need to blog more often, as I have done the past couple days.

I'm not over it

So, I was wondering today... what is it that has made this week so depressing and last week so glorious??
Last week I was extremely sleep deprived, struggling to get all my work done, running around from place to place, unable to even eat on a regular schedule...
This week has been slightly more normal. Still lots of work, but nutrition and sleep have crept back into my life which is definitely a positive.


But I am an ENFJ. I get my energy and attitude from the people around me. I carry others' burdens, and I idealize relationships to the extreme. Basically, I am very choosy about who I get attached to, but those who I choose to latch onto are people who I am unable to let go of. I invest so much of who I am into them, because I care too deeply.


Sometimes I think that's why God hasn't provided me with a man yet. Maybe I need to reconcile these issues with myself before I can have THAT deep of a relationship. Because I fall hard & fast.
But I digress...


So when people who I care this deeply about are suddenly out of my life, I need them even more than before.
Therefore, I talk to them.
They don't answer/aren't available/whatever.
I start getting paranoid; Do they hate me? Were they lying the whole time? Why did they hang out me all that time if I was/am so annoying? What is wrong with me?


Then there is someone else.
Lather, rinse, repeat.


It is ridiculous.
It needs to stop.
I need to learn to A) Calm down and B) Move on.
Not that its a problem getting attached to people, I just think I need to become comfortable enough with who I am as a person not to need them to the point where I invest all my happiness in them.


I know damn well that they enjoyed my company at least to a small extent while it was happening. And that is the best I can do for now.


But even so, though I know this, I doubt much will ever change.


In other news, I EFFING LIKE HIM OKAY.
Jeez.
You'd think this were some bad sitcom the way everyone is reacting to it.. The sweet naive friend who supports it, and then the ones who know me better just laugh.
Its not funny. When I think rationally about it, I cannot see us getting along at all. We have completely different ideas about stuff... not like, theological/political stuff, but like.. theatre. And we are both so passionate about it, in opposite ways. He is so serious [how ironic], and I am not. He is straight laced, and I am sentimental. He is short, I am tall. He is ridiculously talented and smart, and I am rather mediocre in comparison.
It would never work.
But then there he is.
And I'm not going to lie, I swoon a little bit.

I hope this is just a crush.

The last one was.

Life needs to stop being so damn complicated.

But until then-
When you see my face, I hope it gives you hell. Because truth be told, I miss you...

And-
If you asked me if I love him, I'd lie.

Truth be told I miss you. Truth be told I'm lying.

I have not been genuinely happy at all this week... after around 10pm Monday that is. It sucks.

What is wrong with me?

I like him. Not the him I have referred to previously, but the him who keeps turning up in my life... The him who I said I would never fall for. I don't want to like him, but I do. I hate it. I just want someone to want me for once.

I miss her. As I wrote about last night. I am seriously sad about this... and it is ridiculous of me, but it's true.

Friends.
I'm not sure who they are in many cases.

I want my life back... and I wish I knew when it disappeared.

my life sucks without you.

I want you back.

I don't know why the termination of this tiny segment of life meant so much to me. Honestly. I never foresaw the fact that on Monday night I would be holding back tears over this. I just couldn't, and still can't, let go.
Maybe it was because I have admired you since long before I knew you.
Maybe it was because you never judged me.
Maybe it was because you were so friendly from the beginning.
Maybe it was because you never even implied that you were 10 times more talented than me, when we both know you are.
Maybe it was because you listened; and you shared.
...................
Or maybe it was just because your love alludes me, and that makes me want it all the more.
...................
All I know is, you made it onto the list of people that I never want to let go of... and there is a hole in my heart until I see you again.
...................
You reassured me. You said not to worry. You said you'd never leave.

I pray that was not a lie.

I pray you don't fall into the trap of good intentions, and then forget my name. I hate it.

I cannot let this happen again.

Be the exception, please.

I love you more than you will ever know.